#LIKE DID U FR JUST BRING UR BF TO BATTLE???

[sadstonershawty]

getting so much better at keeping shit to myself lmao

not even in an emo, “i’m so alone” way hahaha. jus in the way that i’m better at picking n choosing my battles. knowing what’s necessary to bring up/comment or call someone out on , and what isnt .

i like for him to know i know though. i don’t need to tell him i know what he’s lying abt . because he knows hahahha

it’s fr not even a big deal. it’s the fact that u lied to me abt it....without me even asking. i don’t own u, u don’t owe me shit like that. especially at this juncture. u didn’t even have to bring it up; but u did and u unnecessarily lied to me abt it. i guess thinking i wouldn’t notice, or like louisville isn’t small as hell?

we aren’t even anything but i can tell u feel this sense of “obligation” to me (that sounds like such a negative context so that’s prolly not the best word to use,, but i know what i mean hahah) . maybe it’s just a sense of consciousness because you don’t wanna hurt my feelings. i’ll take it that way instead to avoid resentment hahaha. but it’s just annoying.

ever since pablo and i broke up it feels a lot easier to pinpoint red flags. and i’d say lying to me abt having a girl blocked that didn’t reciprocate your love is a pretty big one. not even unblocked; but CURRENTLY FOLLOWING lmao. it’s seriously not even the fact that he’s following her. i don’t care abt that, i know he’s not over her like that. it just , in my opinion, says a lot to me abt where u are. where u think u are in ur head with me and you. maybe even says something abt where u think u are too.

i did request to follow her , but after thinking for a minute i realized there’s very literally zero reason for me to see her and her page. it does nothing for me and would probably honestly just get in my head abt it. so i’m glad that i did that for myself . because truly, it doesn’t hurt me like that to see he follows her. it’s like, how could i possibly be upset at him for that when i cried last night after he fell asleep when me and him had sex for the first time? because of pablo. more probably because of my feelings or shit in my head w pablo tho. not “because of him”. i’m not over pablo either. but i’m also not following my ex anymore lmao. we’re not together tho, he can seriously do what he wants i really don’t wanna restrict him in any way; it’s just a red flag. which is kind of disappointing to see . because it’s a pretty big one and if i keep seeing ones like that *im going to have to cut this off*. i can’t fall for someone that’s not over their ex again smfh hahaha

and as i said before, i’m not over my ex either. but i can admit that. he can’t. to me anyways. i don’t wanna rush into anything and even as it stands i don’t have feelings for him like that . i really enjoy him, his company, and getting to know him. but i’m not emotionally available completely either. i don’t think he really knows me at all. i think i know more abt him than he does abt me. which isn’t me pointing fingers because i know i could be more open.

idk it’s just crazy feeling mainly rational abt something for the first time. like for once i’m really thinking and seeing if i ACTUALLY like this person myself before i want mutual desire to be together; the opposite fr to what ive done so much in the past. i don’t feel pressed. i enjoy him. but i know i don’t need him. and i have faith and believe in myself and my ability to leave a situation that i deem bad for myself. i’m no longer allowing myself to be the one who seeks approval just to have it. to know i want someone to be with me.

don’t you remember zoe? when you first started dating pablo fr and y’all were really connecting even you were asking yourself “is this really what i wanted?” . i did want to be with him. but what i think deep down i don’t really care abt is relationships. it’s not the title. it’s not being bf and gf or gf and gf. i think it’s the feeling of being chosen by someone. the feeling of being THE ONE that someone wants.