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takingastroll · 1 year

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How do you get to JFK?

My take on how this airport scene is going to go. Read on AO3.

As her parents bicker about their delayed flight ahead of her, she feels her eyes being drawn to the rapid movement of a crumpled black suit moving briskly through the crowd below the walkway. Midge falls behind as she follows the figure trying to get a better look, It can’t be. It’s been a month since she last saw him, since he had yelled at her about tanking her career. Though it was a thoroughly embarrassing dressing down, she can now admit she needed it.

The sight of his teary eyes as he told her that she would break his fucking heart had lit a fire within her and she had been working and hustling like a madman ever since. She’d still been working at the Wolford; it was a stage where she was free to speak her truth and people came to see her, but she was also paying her dues like every other comic trying to make it. Working shitty gigs surrounded by male comics and asshole bookers who just didn’t get it. And by some mad stroke of luck of Ford himself seeing her act at the Wolford and Susie’s hard work, she was joining the writing team at the Gordon Ford show come next week. Without his kick up the ass she wouldn’t have this, she’d still be hiding. The problem was that he had disappeared after Carnegie so she couldn’t even thank him. She’d heard no word of gigs, or tv appearances, he wasn’t even in the press all that much, besides the reviews of the Carnegie performance and a couple mentions of arrests. She had hoped that he would have sought her out by now, maybe even called asking for her to bail him out - and god did it hurt that he hadn’t.

Fate however, as it is wont to do when it concerns them, deemed it necessary to intervene because how else do you explain both she and Lenny being at JFK on the same day at the same time? She reckons it’s her turn for a sneak attack, she can’t let this opportunity pass her by not knowing when she’ll catch him next. “Hey I’ll catch up with you at the gate, I’m going to go ask the information desk for an update on our flight.” She calls to her parents, turning on her heel and heading towards the stairs after him. God, why does he always walk so fast? She's talented in heels but even she has her limits. She sees him head for the tunnel and decides to try and cut him off by entering from the side nearer to her. When she gets there she looks to the right, spotting him emerging into the corridor. He looks a bit out of it, dark bags under his eyes, his suit wrinkled like he slept in it. She notices he’s wearing the same tie as he did in Miami. Does he only own like three ties? One of them is still at her apartment so maybe two now.

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this” she calls out and watches in amusement as his head whips round to find her and his eyes blow wide a little at the unexpected sight of her.

“The universe seems to keep throwing us together. Guess that’s what happens when you don’t call..” she trails off a little accusatory as she walks up slowly to him. She stops a few feet away, suddenly unsure of an appropriate distance.

“Midge? What are you doing here?”

“Headed to a funeral in Oklahoma with my parents.” Waving her hand as she speaks

“Oh shit, I’m sorry”, tilting his head in concern.

“It’s okay, thank you, it's a distant family on my mothers side.”

He nods at that. “Oh Hey congratulations on booking the Ford gig by the way, you’ll be running the place in no time” he says, so surely that even she believes it a little. “Hell, play your cards right, you might even become his in-house comic.” Wagging his finger at her with a smirk.

“Yeah maybe” she smiles, feeling suddenly shy under his praise.“It feels good to be working again. Plus it comes with the added bonus of not breaking your heart.”

He smirks up at that and tilts his head slightly, in a way that is so Lenny, “Ah yes thank you for that. Us Jewish men don’t have the best track record when it comes to heart conditions so we need all the help we can get.”

She lets out a chuckle, before getting serious, “Really Lenny, thank you for what you said at Carnegie. You were right, I was hiding, I was afraid of getting burned again. I’m sorry that I turned down the Bennett gig, and I’m sorry for any damage it caused on your end sticking your neck out for me like that. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.” She can feel herself starting to ramble but she needs to get this out “I wasn’t thinking, that’s the truth of it. I thought I had missed my shot with getting kicked off Shy's tour and I just wanted a steady gig, one that paid, one I didn’t have to censor myself for. I thought I was being smart, protecting myself, but you were right. I was giving up. I could no longer see myself making it big anymore, I thought, this is all I get” gesturing her hands to the side and letting them fall to her side.

Lenny pauses, and smirks, “And now?”

She smiles at him softly “Now I can see it again, the vision I had when I started this mad career choice. I can see myself headlining the Copa, wearing a beaded white cocktail dress. I can see me on the stage of Carnegie, pink dress this time.”

Lenny snorts at her inclusion of what she’s wearing in her fantasies.

“You’ll get there Midge, you’re destined for it, you’re just too damn good, sometimes I forget that you’ve only been at this for a couple years.”

Midge feels herself tearing up a little at his words

“I’m sorry I yelled by the way, got a little carried away.” he adds.

Midge shifts awkwardly, unsure of what to say to that. Their silence is broken by the laughter of a passing couple, as the voice over the tannoy announces the next flight to board.

“So, you heading out of town for some gigs?” Taking note of the bag clutched under his arm.

Lenny scratches his ear a little nervously, a look she hasn’t seen on him before “Er I’m actually moving out of town for a little while, to LA.”

“Oh-” she breathes, a silence passing between them as she lets the news sink in, her brow scrunching in confusion. “How long will you be gone?”

“I’m not sure” Lenny admits, almost sheepishly. Another drawn out silence passes between them.

“Wait so you were just going to leave without saying goodbye?” That comes out shakier then she intended.

“Midge-”

“You could have called for Christ’s sake”

He doesn’t have an answer to that.

“So that’s it? That's all we get? One incredible night and a fight on the stage of Carnegie Hall?”

Midge feels like the ground is opening up beneath her, “Tell me, have I been reading things wrong?” Gesturing her hand between them. Lenny takes a step towards her, shaking his head. “This feels like the goddamn Sadie Hawkins dance all over again.” She mutters, more to herself than him.

She looks back up at him, stepping into his space “That night we shared felt like it was a long time coming. It felt like it might have been the start of something. Was I wrong?” her voice rising.

Fuck why are her eyes welling again, she doesn’t want to cry in front of him.

“Hell, maybe I should have realised I was reading into things when you didn’t contact me for a month, Christ I’m an idiot.”

“You’re not an idiot midge-” to his credit he looks just as pained as she feels.

“Tell me something, what was that night to you? Because all the flirting, the favours, the sneak attacks - fuck Lenny was that all just in effort to fucking sleep with me?!”

“Jesus Christ, of course not Midge!” He says, stepping away gesturing a little wildly. A passing mother shields her child's ears, ushering them through the tunnel quickly. “I was telling the truth - I did not plan that night. I didn’t expect it either.”

“So what, it was just a spur of the moment kind of thing to you?”

“No midge. It was-” he exhales, deflated, and looks skyward ‘fuck, I mean - Midge it was more than I could have ever dreamt.”

She stops at that, her eyes locking onto his.

“Look, I didn’t dare to hope I got more than just that one night with you.”

“Why the hell would you think that?”

“Because I’m a fucking mess Midge, it would never work out between us. I can’t give you what you deserve and I would only end up hurting you.”

She scoffs at his reply, crossing her arms, “And you get to decide that all on your own and leave me high and dry. Fucking hell Lenny I thought we were friends. First and foremost. I felt like I finally got onto the same page with you and now you’re fucking off to LA?”

He stops at this, tears in his eyes.

“I’m sorry Midge. I just - I can’t be here anymore. My kid is in LA, the state of New York is gunning for me, the arrests are getting more serious and frequent, and - to be honest - nothing good can come of you being seen with me.”

“You saw what was in the bag Midge” he adds quieter sounding ashamed and not meeting her eyes.

Midge is at a loss of what to say, her mouth opening and closing multiple times trying to reply - she feels the fight leave her.

“Please don’t leave Lenny.” She says in a quiet and teary voice, “What am I supposed to do without you? You’re my only friend in this goddamn industry. Who’s going to bring their umbrella to my shows? Who’s going to be there to pull my head out of my ass?”

He gives her a sad smile.

“You don’t need me, Midge. You never did.”

She feels a tear escape and roll down her cheek as he turns to leave.

“Knock ‘em dead” he adds before he heads out through the tunnel towards his gate.

___________________________________

He’s a goddamn coward is all he can think as he joins the line to board his flight.

He turns when he hears his name shouted from behind him, suddenly a blurry pink figure is rushing towards him. He drops his suitcase and coat on instinct as Midge launches herself at him and kisses him. Lenny’s arms wrap around her instantly gathering her close, unable to resist as she devours him. It’s a kiss that verges on indecent especially given they are surrounded by people waiting to board the plane. She pulls back for a moment, their foreheads pressed together.

“I may not need you, but I want you Lenny Bruce”

She kisses him again softer this time drawing out the taste - it feels like goodbye.

She takes his hand and places a crumpled piece of paper into it

“For when you’re ready” as she closes his fingers over it.

She kisses him once more briefly then parting, missing her soft lips already “Look after yourself Lenny” she whispers and with that she turns and walks away not looking back. He finds himself stuck, feet routed to the floor as he watches her leave. He unfolds the note she handed him revealing her address and phone number along with a note scrawled in a rush:

Someday we’ll stop walking away from one another.

He feels the tears build in his eyes as he watches her disappear into the crowd and he tucks the note into his pocket turning to board the plane. Someday he thinks to himself. Someday.

#tmmm #tmmm fanfic #tmmmfic #midge x lenny #midgelenny #the marvelous mrs. maisel #mrs maisel #tmmm season 5 predictions #midgexlenny #ff #tmmmff

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wonderlandleighleigh · 2 years

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5 times lenny wanted to punch joel + the one time he still didn't but he wanted to punch him even more than normal

(Let me see what I can do here...)

"Whelp. I guess this makes us Eskimo brothers," Joel says, obviously trying to joke.

Lenny's eye just twitches and he takes a long, slow sip of his whiskey.

Lenny finishes up his set and lingers at the bar at the Button Club. Midge is working late at Gordon Ford, so there's not much reason to head home. He sighs and orders another drink.

"Lemme guess," Joel says, leaning over the bar. "Midge has a headache tonight? She used to pull that shit on me all the time."

Lenny's eye twitches, and he turns to the bartender. "Can you please make that a double?"

"I just don't see what the big deal is," Joel admits.

Midge pinches the bridge of her nose. "Ethan punched someone in the face, Joel."

"Kid probably deserved it," Joel argues.

"That's not the point."

"It's good that he knows how to fight!" Joel cries. "God knows Lenny's not gonna teach him."

Lenny's eye twitches and he slips out of the kitchen to go fix both he and Midge a pitcher of martinis to be enjoyed when Joel finally fucking leaves.

"Can I tell you something?" Joel asks him. He's pretty drunk after a full day of fasting an then a big dinner and a lot of wine with said dinner.

"Please don't," Lenny requests.

It doesn't work.

"Even after having having two kids, Midge was still tighter than Penny," Joel admits.

Lenny squeezes both eyes shut. "Moishe, is there any more wine?"

"Still can't believe she picked a fucking junkie over me," Joel mutters under his breath. Obviously he believed that he'd be quiet enough not to be heard.

He was wrong.

Lenny takes a breath and turns to Midge. "I have a joint. You have a fire escape. I say we go make use of both."

She nods. "Lead the way."

And one time he reeeallllyyyy wanted to punch Joel...

It had been a particularly brutal fight. Joel had really let Midge have it, standing there in the foyer of her apartment, kids waiting patiently, though uncomfortably to leave with their father.

"If you're so in love with your fucking comedy job, maybe you shouldn't have the kids anymore," Joel says. "Since they're taking second seat to your shiny career - or hell, third, considering Lenny is always around."

Lenny takes a breath and lets it out slow, as he watches Midge step back. She's hurt, that's clear. And angry, but not quite sure what to do about it, with her children and Lenny standing right there.

"Joel, it's time to go," Lenny says evenly, his calm voice masking his anger.

"You don't get to tell me what to do," Joel snaps.

"Go cool off," Lenny snaps back. "Come back for the kids tomorrow."

"You can't keep me away-"

"No one wants to be around you when you act like an asshole," Lenny cuts him off. "Least of all your small children who have no clue what the hell is going on. No go home."

Joel glowers at Lenny, and then Midge, before turns around and storming out, slamming the door behind him.

Midge jumps, and lets out a breath, giving Lenny a grateful look before going to hug the kids.

Lenny locks the front door.

#fic #au #tmmm #Midge x Lenny #Midge/Lenny #and Joel

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mostlysignssomeportents · 3 years

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Ontario's drug-dealer premier is shockingly bad at distributing vaccines

Ontario politics are a wild ride, but they rarely escape the province, or, at most, the nation. Which is weird, because Ontario has been a leading indicator of neoliberalism's cruelty, paranoia, and surrealism since (at least) the mid-nineties.

Start with the 1995 election of Conservative Premier Mike Harris, a bland, dead-eyed sociopath whose "Common Sense Revolution" slashed Ontario's excellent public services and implemented a forced-labor program for poor people, AKA "workfare."

Harris was a Romneyish sort of fellow: a personality-free, interchangeable suit who didn't raise anyone's pulse but excelled at administration. His major achievement was the amalgamation of Toronto: a forced merger of the City of Toronto with its heretofore separate suburbs.

This was an incredible power-move. The old City of Toronto is the province's economic engine and the seat of its parliament. It is far, far to the left of the suburbs, and has entirely different priorities from them.

Dissolving the City of Toronto let Harris depose the popular left-leaning Mayor Barbara Hall. The election that followed saw the clownish crook Mel Lastman - who long ruled over my birth-suburb of North York - promoted to the big league, as the megacity's first mayor.

Lastman was a shitshow. He was known for his discount appliance store TV ads and for a string of scandals, from fathering and abandoning a secret child with one of his employees to covering up his wife's shoplifting arrest by threatening to murder a reporter.

He also pioneered a lot of the performative, own-the-libs culture-war bullshit that dominates our politics today, with idiotic stunts like ordering the free weekly Now Magazine removed from City Hall over its personal ads.

When the residents of old Toronto had Lastman forced on them by their suburban neighbours, it set the tone for Toronto/Ontario politics for decades, as Harris's masterstroke of disenfranchisement ensured Torontonians would never again get a say in their governance.

In electoral map after electoral map, you can see mayors and premiers coming to office despite the overwhelming disapproval of City of Toronto voters. This 2010 map by Torontoist's Marc Lostracco is pretty typical.

https://torontoist.com/2010/10/which_wards_voted_for_who_for_mayor/

Amazingly, Mel Lastman was the *least* clownish champion of Toronto's suburban voters. These voters quickly converged on the uh, colourful Ford brothers, Doug and Rob.

You remember Rob, right? The crack-smoking mayor who brought sex workers to City Hall, engaged in routine public racism and homophobia, and made demeaning cunnilingus jokes when asked about his marital infidelity?

He and his (marginally smarter) brother Doug ended up in city government thanks to their father - Doug Sr, a Tory MPP who made a fortune with his label-printing business - and their Rush Limbaugh-style talk radio show.

This was the show that featured their paid stooges, who'd call up pretending to be outraged Ontarians who'd rail at socialism or whatever and praise the Fords for their excellence.

https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/rob-ford-s-friend-dave-made-calls-to-mayor-s-radio-show-1.1405251

But that revelation did nothing to cool suburban Toronto's ardour for the failsons of a label-making kingpin. For these low-information voters, a steady output of xenophobia, cruelty, and racism trumped any scandal. And I do mean ANY scandal.

In 2013, the Globe and Mail's Shannon Kari and Greg McArthur broke a *huge* Ford story, detailing Doug's career as a major hashish dealer and his brother Randy's involvement in a drug-related kidnapping.

https://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/toronto/globe-investigation-the-ford-familys-history-with-drug-dealing/article12153014/

And then there was his sister Kathy and her circle of violent racist cronies. Kathy was once shot in the face by a hash dealer, who remained in the Fords' good books, appearing with his family in videos and pictures, hanging out with Doug at an election-night party.

But nothing stuck. After Rob Ford died of cancer, Doug Ford - incredibly - became leader of the Ontario Conservative Party and won an election through the most laughable, corrupt politics imaginable.

For example, he refused most press interviews, and instead hired a "journalist" to ask him softball questions for his own Youtube channel (ladies and gentlemen, I give you the 'personal responsibility' movement!).

https://www.thestar.com/opinion/editorials/2018/05/06/doug-ford-evades-real-scrutiny-by-hiring-his-own-reporter.html

The Fords were Canada's Trumps, and Doug's 2018 election campaign shamelessly stole from the Trump playbook, right down to the paid actors going nuts at his rallies:

https://www.thestar.com/news/gta/2018/05/08/doug-ford-campaign-confirms-actors-were-hired-to-play-the-part-of-pc-supporters-at-mondays-debate-rally.html

Despite all this, the suburban voters continued to support him, even after Rob Ford's widow accused Doug of stealing her children's inheritance, misappropriating millions of dollars from Rob's estate:

https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/doug-ford-faces-multimillion-dollar-lawsuit-1.4691378

Doug Ford really proved that millions of selfish assholes will vote for rotting roadkill if it promises them $0.25 off their tax bill, blended with gratuitous cruelty. Doug's GOOD at cruelty, vicious stuff like eliminating sedation for colonoscopies:

https://www.thestar.com/news/gta/2018/05/08/doug-ford-campaign-confirms-actors-were-hired-to-play-the-part-of-pc-supporters-at-mondays-debate-rally.html

But Doug is a Trump, not a Romney. He is good at performative culture-war bullshit, but he sucks at making deep structural changes. When the national government levied a carbon tax on gas, Ford ordered stickers on every pump decrying the tax.

But in you-can't-make-this-up failson fashion, these labels - ordered by the son of Ontario's most successful label-making kingpin - all fell off the pumps thanks to their defective adhesive.

https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/anit-carbon-tax-stickers-falling-off-1.5287869

Of course, none of this matters to the roadkill-and-tax-cuts Ford base who continued to support him through a series of blunders...until the pandemic. Turns out you can't defeat a public health scourge with racist jokes and paeans to personal responsibility.

Toronto is heading back into lockdown (again). From nursing homes to First Nations reservations, the province has been scoured by covid on Ford's watch. And Ontario's vaccinations are an utter shitshow.

https://www.thestar.com/news/city_hall/2021/03/30/tight-lockdown-coming-for-toronto-predicts-member-of-ontarios-science-advisory-table.html

As ever, this crisis has awakened the best in political satirists, notably The Beaverton's Luke Gordon Field, whose "Drug dealer shockingly bad at getting people drugs" deserves a place in the gallows humour hall of fame.

https://www.thebeaverton.com/2021/03/drug-dealer-shockingly-bad-at-getting-people-drugs/

> “Electing a guy whose only work experience was ‘drug dealing’, ‘running the family business into ground’ and ‘doing a weight loss challenge with his more popular brother’ was always going to be a risk,” said Political analyst Keith Burns. “But we thought the one thing he is well-suited for would be distributing powerful drugs in an efficient and organized manner.”

> Ford denied that he was failing his “customers. I mean taxpayers. I mean citizens.” He made it clear that if anyone has any issues, the fault lay entirely with his supplier JT.

For a more serious - and ongoing - take on Doug Ford, tune into Canadaland's excellent "Wag the Doug" podcast, wherein Jonathan Goldsbie and Allison Smith document the rampant bumblefuckery of the Ford regime.

https://www.canadaland.com/shows/wag-the-doug/

#pluralistic

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dinoalexander · 5 years

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Your Moment of Zen: The Gourmet Academy’s Semi-Quotable 2019 Quotedown Quotetacular

Ladies and gentlemen and non-binary conforming life forms across seven star systems... the Gourmet Academy’s World Famous Get Down Like a Hound Party ‘til You Puke Semi-Quotable 2019 Quotedown Quotetacular... is ON! === “Time to play everybody’s favorite game show, Fireworks or Gunshots?” -BFG

“Goddamnit. I have to be the adult, don’t I?” -Gordon

“You can copy the format, you can copy the look, but you can’t copy culture!” -UBA

“Gentlemen, I wash my hands of this craziness.” -Kimberly

“Starting a petition to have Barbara Walters do the ball drop next New Years just to hear her say, ‘I’m Barbara Walters and this is 2020.’” -Chelsea

“Hello, Antonio Brown's Shiny Helmet Emporium, how can I help you? What's your pleasure?” -Carl

“Watch me whip out my Shenehneh.” -Gordon

“I feel like I’m watching one of my movies, because this whole damn thing sucks.” -John Cena

“I giggled.” -Michael

“I’m not saying BH90210 is the worst thing in the history of all recorded media, but if somebody had the theory that Luke Perry faked his own death to avoid any and all association with it, I would be willing to entertain that theory.” -Kevin

“Any day the key card works is a win.” -Joe Ovies

“She played a fiddle in an Irish band...” -Ed Sheeran “No she didn’t.” (Click) -Chico

“CBS was callin’, I’m Black Monty Hallin’.” -Wayne Brady

“Richard Quest on CNN! He's gonna ask the rest of the 500 questions!” -Klaussie

“Work. What is this work bullshit?” -Gordon

“Verizon and Tegna, when the carriage agreement ended.” -MD

“I got my words! I got my friends! I got my words WITH my friends!” -Megan

“Thoughts and prayers to the Love Boat, who had her on so frequently her name probably appeared higher up on the call sheet than Isaac or Doc.” -Kevin

“Another fine product from Assmung.” -Carl

“Remember how I thought Adam Gase was a total piece of crap? I have been proven right. Fuck Adam Gase and the horse that rode in on him.” -Cyndi

“Walls? Where we’re going, we don’t need walls.” -Laura

“I’m a person who wants to be productive trapped inside a person who wants to sleep all day.” -Cortney

“Tommy Chong is a THC-list celebrity.” -JB

“Hey did you know that Francesa met Secretariat?” -Greg

“In a year when Black Panther told a story of a black superhero in a futuristic world struggling with real questions about how to deal with racial oppression, and BlacKkKlansman told a story of racial wounds in America that continue to this day and the need for allies to put themselves on the line, Best Picture went to Green Book, the story of a brilliant black musician as told through the white guy who drove him around. Okay.” -Kristin

“Advice: avoid sugar, Oregon Trail diseases, & women named in Mambo No. 5.” -Austin

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but so will my poor eating habits and bad decisions.” -Sarah Pribis

“She was prepared to kill a cockroach with a baseball bat.” -me on overzealous providers

“I am the crocodonkey.” -Klauss

“Aaaaaand we just lost Quisla.” -C

“Can Scaramucci last longer than a Scaramucci?” -...I don’t know, somebody.

“I want dysentery! ... wait what?” -Kyle

“My boobs are not real.” -Gordon

“I want to stop this show and take 10% of you outside, right now!" -Chris Harrison

“OMG Parallel Universe me, stop it!” -C

“I figured out who should host the Oscars ... Colin Kaepernick! Dude still needs a job, right? Also, he’s like two or three times the size of Kevin Hart. I bet we could pay him the same amount, so it’s like getting a bargain! Of course, I’ll want a modest consulting fee from the Academy. Problem solved. You’re welcome.” -Clint

“How the hell am I supposed to put this thing together? Are there instructions or am I just supposed to wing it?” -C “Even IKEA gives me instructions in a foreign language and a tiny ass tool.” -Q

"The only place you see Success before Work is in the Dictionary: -Mauro Ranallo NXT Takeover Phoenix

“A bold statement from a guy dressed as a hippo on a talent show.” -Klauss

“If you wanted the chicken fingers that badly, you could have asked for one instead of taking the whole plate of food.” -Gordon

“Time to play “Sexy or Sleepy”?” -C

“... that means ‘Eff you, you, you, and you’.” -Jason “That’s my autobiography right there.” -Gordon

“The magic thing about home is it feels good to leave but it feels better to come back.” -Emily “Home is a bit like that.” -C

“Thoughts and prayers to Ryan Stiles, who has lost his go-to celebrity impression.” -BB

“Hey, the Lord works in mysterious ways, but you don’t have to, USE YOUR TURN SIGNAL, ASSHOLE!” -Q

“What, you think people do coke once?” -Greg

“I can read off a TelePrompTer like a motherfucker.” -Kristen Bell

“‘Thank God we will be able to see more Pat Buchanan on TV’ said no one ever. I mean, for fuck’s sake, the last thing that is needed is another show featuring a panel of bloviating pundits. I get it. It’s cheap and easy to produce. But so is p*rn.” -Kevin, on The McLaughlin Group

“After watching HQ Words you wonder why Anna Roisman hasn't hit the big time yet. After watching HQ After Dark, you can completely understand why.” -Gordon

“If I die tonight, I want two of the Woodpeckers, two of the Football Tar Heels, and two of the Panthers to serve as my pallbearers so they can all let me down one more time.” -C, on Bad Sports Week 2019

“The first time is flattery, the second time is a lie.” -Michael

“I went to the mall with my pops. I saw something driving to there that truly shocked me. Someone had an orange Ford F650 extended cab pick up truck… With duallies… A rolling coal smokestack… And hubcaps with spikes on each of the nuts. And my only thought was… “My God… It must be MICROSCOPIC!” -Brian

“Would’ve expected to see “Employees must wash hands before returning to work”, posted in the restroom, but alright NOLA, still good looking out I guess...” -Casey

“Because....um.....going from a 40 to a 33 waist apparently makes people want to bed you.” -Gordon

“Breaking news: Idiot talks to idiot on a channel watched by idiots.” -Kevin

“Screaming tree maraca!” -Dahlia

“Looks like I fell down on the job. Metaphorically, because literally would make me Oprah Rich and I'd be full of imported cheese right now.” -Laura

“In another decade or so, somebody is going to make a documentary on Ken Burns documentaries. The TRT will be 152 years.” -Kevin

“May your 2019 be filled with happiness, prosperity, great cocktails, laughter, and Waffle House when you need it most.” -Rick Wilson

“There are sober people in England... No there’s not!” -Mike the CD

“Oh... oh.... oh....” -Q “IT’S MAGIC!” -C

“And finally, some of y’all still out here begging (I’m mean, pure, unadulterated BEGGING) for attention (I’m talking ANY attention) and validation. Lord Jesus put that sadness away. Just put it away.” - Michael

“I’m thinking of a number. The number is 10. You go first.” -JD

“Also, I would take tasteful pics of me making pizza naked. I'm only 30 and I'm only gonna look like this once.” -Kimberly D

“I have ADD. You wanna ride a bike? I’m gonna drink some water. Rooooooam if you want to... This coffee’s really delicious. I’m a sucker for you.” -Q

“Matthew Judon... Body built by Taco Bell.” -Matthew Judon, professional football player

“YEAH!!!! 1943, BITCH!” -my response to Q’s retelling of the events leading up to the Battle of Midway.

“Depending upon the inflection (Bless your heart) can mean anything from “oh you poor thing” to “would you lend me your brain?, I’m building an idiot”.” -Brian

“Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.” -LiyaZee

“That is a giant banana!” -Chris Ahearn, re: a giant banana “Why thank you!” -JB

“Betty White the Happy Homehooker.” -C

“I'll only have a hamberder if I can have it with covfefe.” -The Governess

“I will never forget when you surprised my ass in Atlantic City. That was the weekend of the Press Your Luck Prime Rib.” -JB “That was my first taste of the juice.” -Chico “And you been on the corner... ever since... looking for a fix.” -JB

“Sounds like a generic dude who owns the Ford dealership in every single city in America.” -BFG’s response to “Who is Tom Steyer?”

“Time to switch to Channel 7...” -Cyndi, getting ready to launch a Dallas recap style recap

“The only difference I've noticed this year is that now I get told, "OK Boomer", when I complain about holiday creep.” -Trey

“A 21st Century Koan... If a vegan that sold essential oils begin doing CrossFit… Which would they tell you about first?” -Brian

“Sorry I shoved my hair in your face.” -Christina

“You are turning into a Burberry wearing, wine drinking, charcoal mask wearing kinda guy... AND I COULDN’T BE PROUDER!” -Q

“Instead of airing new Love Island episodes, something tells me CBS is better off rerunning “The Mentalist”. -Doug “CBS is better off running Secret Talents of thr Stars.” -Gordon

“How far along are you?” -some guy “Oh, about six burritos and about a dozen cupcakes.” -Kimberly

“Answers and bribes go into the Corona Extra bucket.” -Michael

“Dear God, Please watch over Cole Anthony’s shoes.” -C

“What’s that scent you’re wearing? Oh, a little something I call washing your ass.” -Q

“You ever just wish there was a coffee delivery service? .... I do.” -Kathleen

“I’m just another brother with a game show.” -BFG

“(Unintelligible) ... Thicke of the niiiight.” -Greg’s impersonation of Gilbert Gottfried’s impersonation of Alan Thicke

“Antonio Brown doesn’t need football - ‘They’re going to play by my rules.’ A bold statement from a guy dressed as a hippo on a talent show.” -Klaussie

“You keep your head high and your middle finger higher.” -Alex

“There has to be a more scientific name for the penis. ... Intermittent organ?” —Gordon “That sounds pretentious enough to be scientific.” -C

“Zooey is saved for awkward sexy stories. Jeff Zucker is someone I don't want associated with "sexy stories".” -Dane

“Ryan is as Canadian as it gets. I think he bleeds maple syrup.” -C

“Turns out Gillette doesn’t work well with sensitive skin after all.” -Ben Rejmer

“Are you drinking something funny there, sunshine?” -Statboy

“It's so cold out here on the east coast that Jim Dolan, the brilliant genius that he is, decided to warm the citizens of Manhattan up and turn MSG into a giant dumpster fire.” -Gordon

“Ziggy is my spirit animal.” -C

“It may sound bougie, but.. you look good, you play good. You play good... they PAY good.” -Cam Newton

“We could be flying Pan Am Clippers to Venus. But MTV stopped playing music, legalized weed, and elected Donald Trump.” -C

“I get it. Tom Brady = deflated balls. Alex Guerrero = "inflates them". Hookers like Tom Brady. Damn, Alex Guerrero is better than Viagra.” -Klaussie

“I think I found the pony under the pile of shit." -Kimberly

“Skype sucks ass.” -Gordon

“In this troubled times, I like to put my hand over the kidney in my heart, stare at the moon of Mars contemplating how the wheel is older than the wall, the great things Frederick Douglas is doing & just being thankful I have ID to buy cereal, thankful for George Washington Airport victories & I don't have Windmill cancer.” -Trent Capelli...Twitter

“Sugar isn't "worse than cocaine." You're not killing yourself by ingesting sugars either in foods or in your coffee. People who are selling you weightloss programs want to tell you that you're killing yourself but there is no scientific evidence that sugar kills humans. Thank you for attending my TEDtalk.” - Shrub

“I found a love...” -Ed Sheeran “No you didn’t.” (Click) -Chico

“Many of you are wondering about my mental state after the Vols game last night. I assure you last night I slept like a baby. Sleep two hours, wake up and cry, sleep two hours, wake up and cry...” -Brian

“If you paid $7 for a Jack & Coke, you got jacked.” -Klaussie “... and Coked.” -C

“Rich Eisen getting triggered by an f’n commercial for 9-1-1 because it featured a fictional situation in a place where his kid goes to is the most white guy thing ever.” -Greg

“And now that your reagent is all nice and mixed and all the chemicals have gotten to know each other, gently put the reagent cartridge onto the instrument. Gently... GENTLY, YOU IDIOT!” -C, to himself

“... goddamned hula shirt.” -Q

“The person who wrote the article needs to be taken in the back and have their writing license revoked. And then shot. And then never be allowed to touch a keyboard again. And then have their hands chopped off.” -Gordon

“They got Bowzer next to Barbi Benton, the lucky son of a bitch.” -C

“Here's what gets me every time I see the trailer for the Cats movie...these are all successful actors. Like...nobody in this movie actually needs to do this.” -Lana

“I made Chico donate $24 to Extra Life.” -Gordon

“You guys are compact cars like I’m a gay, wasted white girl.” -Q

“HQ is like the divorced dad with a much younger, hippy dippy, girlfriend-- and the kids don't want to visit.” -Amberlee

“Suck down your coffee like you own it!” -Hollie

“DRUM SOLO!!!” -Weird Al

“You know when you’re a podcaster you need a good vocabulary. I did always have one. When I was young I mixed up Jacuzzi and Yakuza. And for a while I was in hot water with the Japanese mafia.” -Brian

“It’s game of thrones, but I’m much less Jon Snow and much more Johnny Mudstorm.” -Gordon

“Skype is being a ho.” -Jason

“It's a less-sensitive Soul Man, in a time we need no such shit.” -Klauss

“I thought you were gonna get a room.” -Chapel Hill Phil “I thought you were gonna mind your business.” -Chico “.... that’s fair.” -CHP

“For those of you who are upset about being single on Valentines Day, remember this... 99% of my socks are single but you don’t see them crying about it!” -Connor

“They are selling CBD oil at Bed Bath and Beyond?! I’m sure that’s quality stuff. Honky, please!” -Christina

“She is twisted. If she swallowed a nail, she’d shit out a corkscrew.” -Q

“Oh Taylor Swift. Patron saint of Pride Month. Thank God for straight white girls.” -Michael

“Apollo’s Chariot: “I’m the biggest baddest hypercoaster on the eastern seaboard.” Intimidator 305: “... Bless your heart.” Fury: “Both of you can hold my sweet tea.”” -C

“I don't know you and I sure as heck don't know your sister.” -Klaussie

“Nothing makes you stronger than having no choice in the matter. You’re strong because you have to be.” -Christina’s dad

“Apparently people have mistaken my professional courtesy with genuine interest.” -Michael

“Jon Bauman, you dingleberry!” -Chico a la James May

“Bad enough it’s Scott but it’s Comic Sans, so that makes it even worse.” -Nick “Gentlemen... start your whacking!” -Cyndi “PHRASING!” -Jay, Chico, JVG

“As Robert Downey Jr. once said...” -Cindy

“Whenever I see a married couple with a joint Facebook page, I never, ever have any thought other than "I wonder which one of 'em cheated."” -Adam

“Why is Dan Orlovsky talking football and why should I take anything Safetyman says seriously?” -Cyndi

“Okay, you're a billionaire and can easily afford top-of-the-line call girls at $5,000 to $10,000 an hour and you go to a sleazy massage parlor where the women smell like lavender and shame (so I've heard).” -Steve

“My floor is occupied with eggs.” -Gordon

“Quis, your thing is making noise. Can you make it... not make noise?” -C

“I’ve been waiting at the phone for 29 years hoping someone can win this cruise!” -Klaussie

“If you wanted the chicken fingers that badly, you could have asked for one instead of taking the whole plate of food. #WelcomeBackToLeague #BowlerCityThievery #CheckingTheCamerasAfterLeague.” -Gordon

“I'm proud to say I only cried five times. Admittedly, once was during the opening credits...” -Prof. O

“Phone calls in the mor-NING!” -C, describing his job as a radio jingle

“Okay, the shirt I was wearing when Liza gave me a slimy hug...I wanted to keep wearing it but I also loved the way the slime stains looked on it, so I waited six weeks to wash it so the slime stains would be totally set in. I just did laundry and there’s not a slime stain to be found anywhere on this shirt. On the one hand, mildly disappointed, but on the other hand, holy crap, Tide just made a customer for life out of me.” -Adam

"Really, you don't go back to the crazy ex-girlfriend. You leave her in the insane asylum." -Rafael Siegel, former Cash Show host

“Don't slap Charlotte in her boobs, you're just making her ANGRY!” -Brian

“Is it bigger than a Bird Box?” -Adam Nedeff’s take on What’s My Line?/Bird Box

“That song Birthday Sex is depressing when it’s your birthday and you have no sex.” -Red

“Politics politics politics Sean Spicer politics politics politics DWTS politics politics politics shimmy shimmy shimmy politics politics politics *tea sip*” -Kimberly

“We may need to add Brie Larson to the "How big is Batista's dick?" question list.” -Dane

“Chico and I not only know that we;re going to Hell, we requested a nice suite, complete with kitchen, spa and bidet, Aaron is coming also. We should have room in the suite for more if you want to join us.” -Gordon

“If Bill Cosby is telling you to get out, get out. Else, you'll get a dinner drink with a special surprise.” -Klauss

“Hey, what’s coming out this May?” -Q “(Incoherent slurring)” -C “Really? Who’s in it?” -Q “Ryan Reynolds, I dunno.” -C

“I feel like Neville Longbottom with a remembrall.” -Amberlee

“Comically oversized shit sells. It's America, bigger is better.” -Jessica

“You’ve heard of salt in a wound or lemon juice on a paper cut... but have you heard of Oxi Clean powder on a fingernail you cut too short? Pro tip: avoid that.” -Coby

“I have an idea.” -Q “OH NO!!!! NOT AN IDEA!!!!” -C

“Truck contains political promises.” -actual septic truck

“Uhh... framing?” -C

“It’s very easy to get friends on these apps if you say you’re a hot chick.” -Gordon

“Woodstock 50 cancelled after organizers determined they can’t make it as hilarious as Fyre Fest.” -Adam

“Age and wisdom divorced decades ago. Stupid people get old too.” -Austin

“They put some extra claps in this.” -C, re: CS2019 theme

“I hope she’s dreaming the biggest, bestest dreams... and I hope she never stops.” -Kathleen, on her new little girl.

“You think it’s awkward buying condoms, try returning them!” -Q

“If Mississippi State wins the Outback Bowl, we all get free Bloomin' Onions. If Iowa wins, we all get free Coconut Shrimp. If that's not reason enough to root for Iowa, I don't know what to tell you.” -Matty

“Full hearts, full stomachs, can’t poop.” -Evil Travis

“That's it. Officially referring to my boobs as my "small turkeys".” -LiyaZee

“More phone calls in the mor-NING!” -C, describing his job as a radio jingle

“Tried watching pre-debate coverage, but the phrase "brutal Darwinian logic of winnowing" sent me back to Press Your Luck.” -Heather

“...if we hold up a painting of Hurricane Dorian, will it die?” -Amberlee

“Hey Cindy... you married that.” -C

“Literatively? Okay.” -Gordon

“I plan on going with Chef from South Park's line on that one -- "There's a time and a place for everything, and it's called college."” - Kristin, on “Break Up With Your Girlfriend (Because I’m Bored)”

“Allegiant Stadium. Much like the Raiders... A WORK IN PROGRESS.” -C

“Nobody could sing like Milli Vanilli… But let’s be fair neither could they.” -Brian

“Gar-a-giola, Gar-a-giola, STRIIIIIIKE IT RICH! Gar-a-giola, Gar-a-giola, STRIIIIIIKE IT RICH! Strike! It! Riiiiich! Strike! It! Riiiiich! Gar-a-giola, Gar-a-giola, STRIIIIIIKE IT RICH!” -Nedeff’s lyrics to the love theme from “Strike It Richl by Hal Hidey

“In God we trust, all others must provide research-based, peer-reviewed data.” -Aryn

“Go-gurt™: because fuck spoons and decency.” -Sarah Ann

“Like I said ESPN is to the Patriots what FOX News is to the Republican Party.” -Greg

“That is like walking hepatitis.” -Tim DeLaGhetto

“Will there be any trivia questions on your trivia question show?” -Erskine

“I’m a journalism major, so I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” -BFG

“That’s Right is the Adam Gase of trivia apps.” -Greg

“And yes, Bill Maher does in fact molest collies, and goats...and sheep...and Chicago Bears. 😜” -JVG

“In the words of my dear uncle Paul, ‘Google it, bitch! I’m not here to educate you!’” -Nikki

“You know what they call the guy who graduates last in medical school?” -Megan “A doctor!” -C

“You can never win an argument with an idiot or an asshole. Idiots don’t know they’re wrong, and assholes won’t even consider the possibility that they could be wrong. You can’t help it if you’re an idiot sometimes, but don’t be an asshole. Just something to think about going into 2019.” -Clint

“No Ganos is good Ganos with Graham Gano.” -Tim

“Enough loonies to fill up the Bank of Montreal.” -Klauss

“In the age of auto correct no less, it makes me shudder when I see the leader of the free world making fifth grade grammar mistakes.” -Q

“You look like who did it and why.” -Mary

“Ow, my check! ... I mean, ow, my neck!” -Big Rick

“This woman on Wheel of Fortune has two grandchildren named Kennedy and Nixon, and I have questions.” -Melanie

“You’re the President of the United States and getting dragged by fucking Burger King. It’s just... wonderful.” -Shannon

“Classy, Like a White House Big Mac.” -Actual team trivia name

“Sex is a mistake 9 out of 10 times.” -Michael

“Who signs the cat?” -Carl

“This feels like an SNL sketch. Where’s Bill Hader?” -Greg

“Yeah! And uh...I played HQ with one of them in a hotel room. Wait, that sounds creepy.” -BFG “More than that. (No, THAT sounds creepy.) You have played online trivia with one of them. Surely you ran into or at least saw others in Vegas.” -Klaussie

the subject: The Jeopardy! All-Stars

“Step 1: Go to McDonald's. Step 2: Order a Shamrock Shake. There, now you don't have to read the article.” -Prof. O via Evil Travis. The question: “How to order a Shamrock Shake.”

Lunch lady: “Hey Dino! Get me a grape soda! I’m thirsty!” C, after an insane amount of giggling: “You said it, not me.”

“Some bitch decided she wanted to be a bitch.” -C

AP headline on Twitter: "Tim Tebow struggling in Triple-A; still a work in progress." GSNN: "Funny -- so was 'Million Dollar Mile'."

“The Bosa brothers = MAGA Gronk. Don't @ me.” -Klauss

“... BASSOON SOLO!!!!!” -Weird Al

Greg: “Crying Game Cereal. A surprise in every box.” (Everyone dies for, like, five minutes) Chico: “... I’m going to HQ.... YOU NEED TO GO TO CHURCH!”

“Aunt Becky has some stupid kids.” -Austin Rogers

“I wanna be 21 again and ruin my life differently... I have new ideas.” -Sarah Pribis

“Mannnn listen!! It's time to just throw the whole R. Kelly away!!” -Bruce

“By the time all is said and done, I will have been awake for 24 hours.” -C “Rookie.” -G

“Instead of airing new LI episodes, something tells me CBS is better off rerunning “The Mentalist”. -Doug

“Well they went over as well as a ham sandwich at a kosher deli.” -Q

“Drop it and get out of here!” -Carl’s boss

“The call is coming from inside the wheelhouse.” -Ullsperger

“I am the Marquis de Asshole.” -Gordon

“Elizabeth Banks’ ass is America’s ass.” -C, with apologies to Paul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, and Bill Carruthers

“Don't have an iPhone or iPad? Maybe you can beg at the boots of your betters, proletariat scum!” -Megan

“Tom Brady and Bob Kraft shaking hands and whispering into each other’s ear... ‘Hail Hydra’.” -C

Jason (discussing the Masked Singer): “The Hippo was ANTONIOOOOOOOO Brown!” Brian H: So THAT'S how the Madden Curse happened this year.

“Manish Mehta is on 92.3 The Fan right now. My first thought after hearing him for 5 seconds: He sounds like Aziz Ansari as The Bookworm on that SNL GSN show parody a few years ago.” -Klaussie

“Look at me, I’m Sandra Bullock.” -Nick

"That's Britain for you. Tea solves everything. You're a bit cold? Tea. Your boyfriend has just left you? Tea. Coordinated terrorist attack on the transport network bringing the city to a grinding halt? TEA DAMMIT!" — LiveJournal user jslayeruk

“Temporary emotions lead to permanent mistakes!” -C

“Tuesday night wasn’t just biscuits. Roy Williams went ahead and got the dirty rice to go with it.” -Adam Lucas after Carolina made State humble, 113-96

“Shaka... when the paywalls fell.” -Kevin

“Barbi Benton... ROLL TIDE!” -Greg

“I love when you ask for recommendations for establishments, services, recipes, products, etc., and people respond with, "Did you Google it?" Like, Thanks, Karen! I hadn't thought to use the easily-accessible, number one search engine in the world before! I'm totally not looking for recommendations based on actual experience from personal friends who will give me honest feedback, so I'm glad you directed me to Google!” -Cindy

SWSNBN: “Can your cover for me while I eat my sandwich?” C: “Go eat your sandwich.” SWSNBN: “I’ve got nothing going on.” C: “You’ve doomed us all. Go eat your sandwich.”

“If life gives you lemons remember: life was very honest about how many people it'd been with.” -Austin

“Two hours after lunch is still after lunch! BOOK SAY SO!” -C

“Remember, two wrongs don’t make a right, three rights make a left, and I’m Kyle Serra, quiz responsibly.” -Kyle

Q: “The answer fell into the pizza!” C: “Well now not only is it correct, it’s delicious.”

“Tom Brady just got the sixth stone. Half the NFL is about to vanish.” -Nikki

“I’m Max Essodus and I’m leaving!” -Klauss

“Chuck Todd is a bowl of Jello with a bad goatee and a shitty hair cut.” - @PhillyLocalGuy

“Leonard Frey! Leonard Frey! Anytime you call, Leonard will take care of you! Winter, Spring and Fall!” -Chico

“I THINK I’M BREAKING EVERY FCC RULE IN THE BOOK!” -Kevin Harlan calling two NFL games at the same time

“Horrible news to report, Baby Yoda has died after Myles Garrett beat the shit out of him with a helmet.” -Barry McCockiner

“The Yankees are like Roman Reigns: they’re good, everybody still hates them, and they always kick out of your finisher shm” -Mike Janela

“My nightmare is being stuck working for a guy that looks like Chris Cillizza” -@ChadShartman

“Mel Gibson/Rothschild casting is most inspired decision since Richard Spencer was chosen to write the screenplay for the new Frederick Douglas parody bio pic.” – Josh Marshall

“OOOOH! A LITTLE BIT OF THE BUBBLY!” - Chris Jericho

“Minecraft? HELL NO!” -Amberlee at RewardTheFan on Minecraft RewardTheFan

“109876543210, Happy New Year!” – Kyle @ Trivia Crack

“LYDIA CORNELL IS NOT A BIMBO!” -Mike

Tony Stark: “Hey, you said one out of fourteen million, we'd win, yeah? Tell me this is it.” Doctor Strange: “If I tell you what happens, it won't happen.”

America, let me just tell you something, do not commit crimes with checks.” –Charles Barkley

“I bet George Halas and Pop Warner are up there now coaching Angels in the Heaven Bowl.” –Cord Hosenbeck

“The director saw Green Book and was inspired to make a bigger disaster of a movie about race.” –From the IMDb Trivia Page for Loqueesha

“Drew Brees and Harry Styles fighting over a Pepsi is Peak 2010s.” -Chico

“The aging app? I didn’t know there was an app that helped Mike Maccagnan make his freaking draft picks!!!” -@DAitken90

“For all the notes and stats FOX gave out, they missed that this was the very first post-season game in history where two wife-beater closers gave up two-run home runs in the 9th.” -Ken Levine

Chico: “Man, Bowzer ruined this!” Mike: “Just like the second half of the show Bowzer ruined this!”

“Amazon Suggestion for David Pecker: Because you considered “Blackmailing the Richest Man Who Ever Lived,” we recommend you “Get an Orange Jumpsuit.” –Stephen Colbert

“When in doubt, choose Helium!” –Megan

“They should make a Mistress Pac-Man. Ghosts chasin’ her around the apartment Pac-Man rents for her, eatin’ all the strawberries and chocolates he sends and whatnot. Then the last level Ms. Pac-Man is after her ass like “Oh HELL no that’s MY round yellow man!!!” –George Wallace

“God is a woman and her name is Hailee Steinfeld” -@dakotalanthimos

“I stopped by the Statue of Liberty today, thinking about freedom, and the ability to go for it all.” –Bill Walton at the Pac-12 Tournament in Las Vegas talking about being at the NY-NY Casino

“today marks LaGuardia Airport’s first positive contribution to America.” –Jack Holmes on the end of the Late 2018-Early 2019 Government Shutdown

“BEAT THAT GHOST DICK!” -Matt Richards

Greg: “What if the Monster on The Masked Singer is Michael Cohen?” Mike: “If it is that will almost guarantee there won’t be a second season of The Masked Singer.”

“Roger Clemens tried to smash Mike Piazza’s head with a baseball bat and was still less of an asshole than Curt Schilling.” -@[email protected]

“I love all the diversity in Star Wars. There’s brown people and someone with a Boston accent” -Dani Fernandez

“I don’t care that Brock Lesnar won Money In The Bank, I want to know if Brett Somers won Money In The (BLANK)” -Mike

“Woodrow Wilson even with a stroke was sharper than Donald Trump is today.” –David Frum

“THE JABRONI OF THE JABRONI MOVIE FOR THE HOLLYWOOD BLONDE JABRONI NEED TO HAVE THE MOST EXCELLENT LEADING HEAL TO MAKE THE IRON SHEIK LOOK LIKE THE LEGEND. PROBLEM NOBODY HEAL ENOUGH TO BE THE LEGEND. THIS WAY ONLY PERSON THAT TAKE THE CHRIS HEMSWORTHLESS LOOK LIKE HE THE REAL BABYFACE IS THE LEGEND IRON SHEIK. OTHERWISE THIS MOVIE WORSE THAN THE NOTEBOOK AND WORSE THEN THE JABRONI BETTE MIDLER BEACHES” –The Iron Sheik

“As far as I’m concerned, that’s America’s ass!” - Scott Lang “That is America’s Ass.” - Steve Rogers “America’s Ass? Are you talking about Tom Villard?” - Mike

“Oh Jesus, it’s Jimmie Walker’s turn!” –Chico

“Where’s the Robert Kraft spa video? I’d rather watch a video of my own funeral.” –Gerard Mulligan

“So, does Jeff Zucker have to completely cause CNN to lose money and get devalued so badly it gets bought out by Comcast for him to replace Vince Russo as “worst Turner Broadcasting hire ever?” -Dane

“I was just researching Mark Russell as a "Whatever happened to...?" He's still alive.” –Matt Jones

“And all of ESPN and FS1’s morning shows are just the worst. People who watch them actually come away dumber for doing so. I don’t understand the appeal of watching idiots on either network yell biased opinions at each other...many of which are lacking context or facts beyond what they see on a caption of a social media post. It’s like going to a comment section and watching arguments.” -Dylan White on the Awful Annoucing Facebook comments section

“Hunter, Kiss my ass.” –Dave Bautista

“The fact that the CEO of twitter can have his account hacked is a blinding indictment of twitter’s security policies. The fact that no one could tell the difference is a blinding indictment of jack himself.” -@ChrisSmith_RSB

“I don’t know anybody who loves or even likes Trey Wingo.” -@SlicedBrett

“A Madea Star Wars” must now be a thing…” –Amberlee

“People are like "the New York Post is bad for that cover, subscribe to the Daily News instead!" as if the Daily News didn't run a screencap of a woman being murdered on it a few years back. They're both pure trash. Neither are better.” -Craig Calcaterra

“Tim Burton’s Dumbo brings out Michael Buffer TWICE to say “Let’s get rrready…for Dumbo!” and I laugh again every time I think about it.” –Ken Jennings

“Who the hell is Dr. Lee Franz?” –Jason H.

“I was in the theater and that moment was revealed and the audience was “OOOOH!” and I just was laughing so hard!” –Ron Burgundy remembering the ending of “The Crying Game”

“Ladies and Gentleman… whatever legitimacy pro wrestling has left literally crawled under the ring.” –Chico critiquing the workrate of Colin Jost

“BANODLES, ARE YOU READY TO GO SHOPPING, YOU SON OF A BITCH?” -MIKE

“Can y'all imagine if the Gremlins and Jason Vorhees both attacked at the same time that would be some difficult shit to deal with anyway talk to you later” -George Wallace

“Trump getting impeached over the Ukraine is a little like Scorsese getting the Oscar for The Departed, but hey recognition is recognition.” -John Ross Bowie

“Alex Trebek is a fixture in the American firmament and we're all behind him. What a great man, so kind to my family and so warm to all of us contestants. Send him your love.” -Austin Rogers

“Rather than bore you with my expansive knowledge of British politics, allow me to comment on more pressing matters: drunken Chris Jericho getting his belt stolen” -Mike Tunison (@xmasape)

“Only ESPN would do a feature on Robert Kraft taking former players to Jerusalem — while he awaits trial for soliciting prostitution in a sex trafficking ring.” -@willgcopeland

“Looking forward to the “In Memory of Jim Cornette’s Career” graphic that will be starting Dynamite.” - Trevor Dame

“Tom Steyer sounds like a guy who airs MLK and Columbus Day ads, where you can get a new Mustang or Fusion for up to $6,000 off MSRP” - BFG

“Eh, what’s her name? Her name Barry Lonson. She’s in da, she won Oscar for the movie “Stuck In The Basement”. Also, she’s in the movie “Kink Kong: He Got Love With Her” but how he make sex with her, she’s young, she’s small and he big. I don’t know?” -Yehya reviewing Captain Marvel

“To this day nobody knows who Ann Risley is.” -Chico

“Heartbreaking: there is apparently no video I can find of this moment, where a robot named "Mr. Scraps" delivered a ball to James Doohan (Scotty from Star Trek), who had just arrived in a dry-ice-and-laser-bathed Delorean to throw out the first pitch in "The Biodome". Please enjoy this real quote from the Mariners former VP of marketing: "We named the robot Mr. Scraps, because it looked like a garbage can on wheels. Not exactly what we were expecting, but it served its purpose." [email protected]

MC Cool Cloud: “No union better mess with my family!” Cloud 9 Employee in Training Video: “Oh, MC Cool Cloud, (pats stomach) you’re gonna be the best dad.” Garrett: “I’m sorry, did MC Cool Cloud just impregnate a human?” Mateo: “I think he did.” “I’m in shock, Gene. I just talked to my accountant and I found out this guy made 30 grand and I’m working for minimum scale.” -Marty Cohen on MG-HSH Episode #12 “It would be kind of weird for a person named Tammy to be played by Tim Dunigan.” -Mike

“Chico's brain only has so much memory. It's either the capital of Botswana, or something you rambled at 3AM while white-girl wasted. Only one of those nuggets of wisdom is a panty-dropper, and I think we all know which.” -Laura

“So, the audience for SNL seems to be comprised of easily offended Catholics, YouTube “influencers”, and Trump. But Lorne Michaels still thinks he shouldn’t retire? Because if I learned those people watched something I produced, I’d eschew all technology forever and go live in one of those Unabomber log cabins.” -Kevin

“Morning report: The "Fuck Your Feelings" crowd sure gets triggered easily.” -Rick Wilson

“ZIPPERS?!” -Klauss

“We’s considerin’ buddies.” -C

“Automan’s naked and wearing a belt? I don’t get this!” -Klaussie

“You were standing in his crotch!” -Anna

“I am utterly surprised there were no traces of Batman cereal yet Greg's dad made at least 2 appearances.” -Klaussie

“Next time, can you pick a gas station that ISN’T in the middle of nowhere?” -C

“Did Isaac ever deliver cold hard cash direct to your PayPal account? No!” -Greg

“Too many phone calls in the mor-NING!” -C, describing his job as a radio jingle

“Semi-Quotable of the 2010s--Hundreds of quips enter, Adam Nedeff wins because he's funny and he has half of Hollywood under his thumb.” -Klaussie

“You’re not you when you’re thirsty.” -Q, the Double Entendre of the Year

“Nobody ever robbed a convenience store to get sugar money.” -Brandon

“If you're mad at rich peoples kids for getting special acceptance/treatment at college and you aren't mad about all the athletes that get the same thing you're a hypocrite. Ya'll leave Aunt Becky alone.” -Stephanie

“Damn it! I used too much stick.” /Ethan

“And her tights say two cents a dance.” -Kimberly

“Go home, That’s Right. You’re clearly on meth.” -Evil Travis

“I paid $700 for THAT?!” -Klaussie

“Florida is now under a Jim Cantore watch.” -Braden

“Good Brother, but Bad Mother!” -Gordon

“Dude. Even Nike hates Duke!” -D

“For 15 points, Will Smith’s arrogant cousin Hillary appeared in an episode of NBC’s hit sitcom Blossom. Another episode of blossom featured Don Novello playing the role of Father Guido Sarducci, and Father Guido Sarducci also popped up on an episode of Married...With children. Stay with me here. David Faustino’s character Bud Bundy also popped up all the Fox network sitcom Parker Lewis Can’t Lose. In another episode of Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, Parker crosses paths with grown-up Eddie Haskell, who of course,We all remember from Leave It to Beaver. His next-door neighbors, June, Wally, and Beaver Cleaver were all characters in an episode of the Love Boat. Now there is this other episode of the Love Boat where all of Charlie’s Angels are on board. In an episode of Charlie’s Angels, Dan Tanna shows up from Vega$. But that’s not important right now. Remember when I said Parker Lewis had crossed paths with Eddie Haskell? Well Eddie also popped up on an episode of Hi Honey I’m Home. So did Gale Gordon‘s character Mr. Mooney, who you might remember from the Lucy Show. There’s an episode of the Lucy Show where Lucy crosses paths with Private Gomer Pyle, USMC, who, of course originally appeared on the Andy Griffith show, which was a spinoff of Make Room for Daddy. On an episode of Make Room for Daddy, Danny encounters Buddy Sorrell, one of Alan Brady’s writers on The Dick Van Dyke Show. Alan Brady later appeared on Mad About You, where Ursula was the twin sister of Phoebe from Friends, and Phoebe’s friend Chandler Bing showed up on Caroline and the City, where Caroline draws a popular comic strip that is read and enjoyed by Daphne Moon, the caretaker for Dr. Frasier Crane’s disabled father. Dr. Crane used to hang out at a Boston bar called Cheers, where Norm, Cliff, and Carla encounter Drs. Auschlander & Westphall, but on a landmark 1988 broadcast, we learn that Drs. Auschlander & Westphall never existed and that all of the shows I mentioned in this question are logically the figments of the imagination of Tommy Westphall, Who is the only character who demonstrably existed on what beloved medical drama?” -Adam

“Snapchat Catch Phrase!” -Will & Erinn

“#1800235DEAD!” -...damn near everybody

“Charles Stiles, Mystery Diners.” -Charles Stiles, Mystery Diners

“This tea is delicious.” -Kimberly === Here’s to 2019... Come together, just think of tomorrow.

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wonderlandleighleigh · 2 years

Note

Oh man I did not see that Susie/Gordon convo coming. It was so good!! Please continue

(Thanks!)

123 here

No one is surprised when Midge brings Lenny back to New York with her, but the trepidation upon their arrival back at her apartment is palpable, but clears up once her parents realize just how with it he is after two months getting clean in the middle of nowhere with Midge to care for him.

"I'm very glad you're back," Abe admits as they sit in the living room as the women prepare dinner in the kitchen. "Things have been difficult for Miriam since you left town."

"I know," Lenny admits, looking guilty. "I should never have left, I just- didn't know how to stay then."

"And now?"

He takes a breath. "Now I've been clean for two months and I know that I can't go back. I can't go back to the dope, because i can't hurt Midge like that again, and I can't-" he shifts, uncomfortably. "I can't hurt me like that again."

Abe nods slowly. "It's going to be harder this time, you know. Joel's second wife left him, and he's been attempting to woo Miriam. to say nothing of the former fiance who called off their engagement in front of an entire restaurant full of people, who doesn't seem to be over it yet."

"I heard about that," Lenny comments, grimacing a little. "I suppose I should thank him for breaking it off...but I felt terrible when Midge explained what had happened...she was happy with Gordon. Could have stayed happy with him..."

"She didn't love him," Abe sighs. "But she cared for him. Was willing to make it work. To try and grow to love him."

"I knew Ford was an asshole, I just didn't know how big of one."

"I never cared for him," Abe grouses. "Terrible taste in literature."

Lenny chuckles softly. "Not everyone can keep up with your book collection, Abe."

"And not everyone can keep up with Miriam," Abe points out. "In fact, I'm fairly certain you're the only man who's truly managed it."

"I'm in love with her," Lenny says quietly. "Should have fucking married her when I had the chance, and now I don't know if she'll ever truly trust me enough for that. But I'm damn well going to try."

"Stay clean, and you have my blessing," Abe tells him.

"And the legal drama?"

"Oh, please. As if I've never been arrested," Abe rolls his eyes. "It's not as if you killed a man or burned a building down. You said things people don't want to here. You're back in New York, we'll get Kessler on your legal team. He can help you."

Lenny takes a breath and nods. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right."

"Yes, I am," Abe agrees. "You've let Miriam help you. You know that this family comes as a package. Albeit a strange one, but Rose and I can help you as well. We've always liked you."

"Rose has not always liked you."

"Fine, it took a little time for Rose to warm up," Abe concedes. "But I have always liked you. Let us help."

It takes him a moment, but Lenny nods.

#fic #au #tmmm #Midge/Lenny #Midge x Lenny #Abe Weissman

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wonderlandleighleigh · 2 years

Text

1 fic per Billy Joel song

#1 C'etait Toi (you Were The One)

“You look like shit.”

Lenny chuckles darkly as he nurses a glass of whiskey at the bar. “You really know how to make a girl feel special, Gordon.”

Gordon Ford grins a little, taking his own drink from the bartender. “Penny for your thoughts?”

“They’re not worth that much.”

“Oh, come on, things cannot be that bad,” Gordon says.

“Arrested again two nights ago. Going through withdrawal again. And I scared Midge off. So yeah. Things are pretty awful.”

Gordon looks confused. “That woman is not easily frightened. What the hell did you do?”

“Ah, I yelled at her,” Lenny mutters quietly. “Said some very cruel things that should never have left my stupid mouth.” He shakes his head sadly. “I can’t seem to stop pushing her away. Because she’s the one. She really is, you know? And I cannot get my shit together enough to stop hurting her.”

Gordon regards him quietly, sipping his drink. He knows Lenny wouldn’t be saying these things if he weren’t a little drunk, but it’s good to know that this is what Midge has been dealing with; why she’s been a little on edge when they’re not on the air.

“Can I give you some advice?” Gordon asks.

“I suppose that depends,” Lenny says, lifting an eyebrow.

“Get over yourself,” Gordon says simply.

“Okay, no more advice.”

“No, really,” Gordon says. “Get over yourself, Lenny. You’re not special. You’re not different than any other asshole out there who falls in love and doesn’t know how to handle it. Get over yourself. Get your shit together. Midge deserves better than you swinging from sad sack to pissed off piece of shit. Pull your head out of your ass. Get over yourself. Fake being what she needs until you actually are.”

Lenny stays quiet, not looking at him.

Gordon finishes his drink and sets his glass on the bar. “Finish your whiskey and go tell her you’re an idiot and that you love her. Let her feed you and put you to bed and stop running away. You don’t run away from anything else. The obscenity charges. The bad press. You’re not afraid of any of it. So stop running from her.”

Still, he gets no response from the other man, so he leaves money for both of their drinks, and heads out.

#fic #au #tmmm #Gordon and Lenny #Midge x Lenny #MIdge/Lenny #am I cribbing from Theycallme-TheJackal and her Tswift songs?#yep

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wonderlandleighleigh · 2 years

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Can we have more of Gordon Ford being an asshole (to whatever degree you want to write?) I'd like to cement this negative characterization in the fandom's brain before we see literally anything significant from him.

I actually just wrote this the other day. It's a long one because I'm hoping it'll be a bigger story, but here ya go!

Jealousy isn’t something Lenny is too acquainted with these days. Obviously as a concept, he knows it. He’s felt it before (he married a stripper, after all. It happens), but these days, in his thirties, he generally doesn’t get head up about it.

He thought.

But seeing Gordon fucking Ford wrap an arm around Midge brings on that old, long-forgotten feeling of boiling blood and gritted teeth.

He plays it cool, obviously. Lighting a cigarette and taking a slow puff as he chats with some reporters. Doing Gordon Ford’s show is a matter of course these days, to hype any project, and he’s got a run of big-ticket shows here in New York coming up.

Midge is the house comedian. And Ford apparently thinks that makes her his girlfriend.

Midge’s face says otherwise; that she’s trying to extricate herself without making a scene; that she does not want that man touching her. That she just wants to get this round of interviews over with so Lenny can take her out for a late dinner and then take a walk on a nice April night.

“And what do you think of Midge Maisel?” the reporter asks.

Lenny grins. “Other than being one of the funniest women out there right now, she’s also one of the kindest, and she’s drop dead gorgeous.”

The reporter looks surprised. “Are you two an item?”

Lenny’s grin widens. “Ask me tomorrow.”

*****

“I have an idea,” he tells her as they sit down to dinner. He’d picked somewhere a little more public; a little more trendy, and Midge looks excited, taking in the place. It’s certainly not one of their usual haunts.

“Okay,” she says, turning to look at him.

Lenny smiles and takes her hand. “You fucking hate when Gordon Ford decides to get handsy.”

Her smile falls. “It’s getting a little aggressive,” she admits. “When I started it was an arm graze - which - whatever. Then it wrapped around my shoulder. Okay, maybe he’s friendly. But now it keeps snaking around my waist, and it’s been getting closer and closer to my ass. And look, I have a great ass, but he could at least buy me a drink first.”

“Or,” Lenny smirks.

“Or what?” she asks, tilting her head. “That look is a naughty look, Mr. Bruce.”

“Or, Mr. Bruce and Mrs. Maisel could make things official,” he says. “And let the whole world know that we are an actual, honest-to-god, goes out to dinner, puts the kids to bed together couple, and Gordon Ford can fuck off.”

Midge smiles slowly. “You want to be a real couple.”

“It’s probably about time,” he shrugs. “We’ve been sneaking around since January.”

“You’re jealous,” she surmises.

“I most certainly am not.”

She keeps smiling at him. It’s an infuriating smile. He loves it. He hates it. Ugh.

“You’re jealous that I work on Gordon’s show and he’s around all the time,” Midge says.

“...I don’t like the way he looks at you,” Lenny admits. “And you don’t like it either, may I point out. This would solve both our problems.”

She raises an eyebrow. “Are you ready for that level of public scrutiny? They’re gonna label us a ‘comedy power couple,’ they’re gonna follow us around with cameras, they’re gonna make up crazy stories about us.”

“Ah, I’ve been outta the papers too long,” he jokes. “I’ve been too good a boy.”

“Our managers are both going to lose their minds,” Midge reminds him. “Susie was happy to keep this quiet.”

“Fuck ‘em,” Lenny waves a hand. “I’d rather kiss you in public and watch Ford wriggle like a worm on the hook.”

Midge smirks as she looks past him at the door. “You’re in luck.”

He lifts an eyebrow. “Oh, am I?”

“Mhm. He just walked in with his buddies.”

“A fortuitous turn of events.”

She grins, leaning in. Her eyes are shifting between his own and behind him, where Ford and his asshole friends are. “How do you wanna play this?”

“What?”

“Light kiss? Slow? Steamy? What’s the tacti-”

The kiss is slow and soft, and tender. Like they’ve been doing this for three months.

Which they have.

He vaguely registers some chatter around them, but he likes focusing on Midge much more. He doesn’t care how red Ford’s face is, or if there are reporters fumbling for paper and pen.

There’s just Midge.

He ends it by shifting his lips to her cheek. “How’s that for tactics?” he asks softly.

“Hm?” she asks dreamily, blinking at him.

Lenny grins. “How’s our friend doing?”

“Oh,” Midge sits up, clearing her throat. “He looks pretty unhappy.”

“Perfect. You hungry?”

“Starving.”

*****

“Tell me what this is.”

Midge blinks down at the photo of her and Lenny kissing in the newspaper. “Just enough tongue to be indecent but not enough to get us thrown out of the restaurant.”

“Miriam!” Susie cries. “I thought you two weren’t gonna make your relationship a bid deal!”

“Well, things changed,” Midge tells her. “And once my sandwich gets here, I will explain.”

“Explain now.”

“Susie, I promise it’s gonna be fine. Nothing is different.”

“Except that the entire world thinks you got where you are by fucking Lenny Bruce,” Susie grouses.

“They already thought that.”

“You didn’t have to give ‘em confirmation!”

Midge takes a deep breath. “We found it inconvenient to keep sneaking around.”

“Inconvenient how?” Susie demands. “Your parents already know. His mother knows. I know, and his manager knows. Why do this?”

“To get Gordon Ford to back off,” Midge tells her.

Susie goes quiet.

“Susie-”

“I’ll kill him,” she says simply. “I’ll rip his balls out through his throat.”

“Nothing happened,” she assures her. “But…it was starting to head in that direction, so Lenny and I…decided to make things a little more overt.”

“A little?!” Susie grabs the paper. “Miriam. This is not a little.”

“Everyone who’s seen me on Gordon’s show knows I’m talented,” Midge argues. “Dating Lenny publicly doesn’t change that.”

Susie groans. “Fine. Fine. Okay. Fine. You’re public. Fine. Great. We’ll just- hope this doesn’t bite us in the ass.”

*****

David Fidel is a good manager. Understanding. Very patient. Lenny is lucky to have him. But he can be a pain in the ass.

“This is…actually great,” Dave nods. “This is the most innocuous thing you’ve ever been in the papers for. It’s downright fucking adorable, to be honest.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“I mean, kissing the girl you’ve been seeing for months in public can’t get you arrested or blacklisted from a club. I will take it.”

“You’re too excited.”

“Hey! You’ve got that gig next week in Harlem. Let’s get her a reserved table.”

“Dave-”

“And I’ll schedule a late breakfast for the two of you for the next day!”

“Oh, jesus.”

“This is gonna be the most adorable thing you’ve ever done,” Dave promises. “Or I’ll die trying to make it be.”

“God, I hate you.”

Dave picks up the phone. “Bonnie! Make sure there’s a reserved table for Midge Maisel at Lenny’s next show, and make sure there’s a rose settled there.”

“Fuck you, Dave.”

Dave grins at him. “Her favorite color is pink, right? Bonnie! Make it a pink rose.”

Lenny rubs his eyes and wishes he could throw himself out the window.

*****

Midge gets ready for the show the next night, turning around and coming face-to-face with Gordon.

“Whoa!” she yelps. “Hi, Gordon. Ready to break a leg tonight?”

“Sure,” he says, watching her as she turns back to the mirror to fix her makeup. “I uh…saw the whole thing with Lenny Bruce.”

She smiles, mostly to herself.

“How long has that been going on?” Ford asks awkwardly.

“Well, we danced around it for a long time,” she shrugs. “Years, actually. But we officially started dating at New Years, and we decided to keep it quiet. You know how the press can be. But…” she sighs heavily for effect. “We’ve been getting tired of the sneaking around.”

“Oh. Well. Good for you. I guess.”

#fic #tmmm #Midge/Lenny #Midge x Lenny #au #Let's make Gordon Ford an asshole

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