#Love workin' on these kindsa colors!

[skyplayssplatoon3]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO @doggyg !! His OC Lila (he/him) and Harmony being cute!!

[bluecollardumbass]

It ain’t that I’m a dumbass.  I did OK in school ... I just fuckin hated it.  Day after day sittin in the same desk in the same row under the same buzzing lights with the same teacher’s voices buzzing like flies on a corpse.  

I graduated HS ok, too.  Wasn't like, class prez or nothin, but I passed with flying Cs.  Didn’t have much of a social life.  Kind of a loner.  Watched a lot of TV.  Never really got into reading books, mostly cuz my stepdad who was a REAL redneck burned em all one time when I pissed him off.  To get back at him, I never read another book again.  I got real into cars for awhile.  Still love Jeeps and big fuckin trucks.  Then I started smokin weed.  Aw, fuck man, that shit changed everything.  Suddenly my life was awesome.  Alls I needed to worry about was running out, and it seemed like that was impossible - weed was everywhere.  It was the piece I was missin the thing I needed to be totally chill.  And once I found it it was like awesome.  I was a stoner.  Still am, actually.  This aint a story about how I changed or nothin.  

But I’m not a dumbass.  I mighta hated school n shit but like I learn shit fast.  And the 1st thing I learned was that I don't like being kept inside.  I fuckin love being outside.  I love being in the sun and I love being in the rain.  Aint nothin like a good thunderstorm.  Cold don't even bother me too much, unless its like fuckin below zero, then that shit gets old real fast.  So when I had my options to be like, a guy with a job n shit, I was workin for a supermarket and I was divvied up between doing the shit on register and pushing carts n the parking lot.  Obviously you can figure out which one I liked more, so I was happy doing that for awhile.  But then the manger found out that I was getting high on the job - I mean come on, romeing around in the parking lot, blissed out on some mad trip sativa bro, you can't fuckin falt me for that, rite?  I guess sum fuckin soccer mom in her minivan narced on me.  Didn't want her little boy learnin bad shit.  Well sweetie, its a fucked up world and your only doin your kid a bad one by hiding him from it.  You playing a losing game, darlin.  Besides, whats so bad about weed?

So yea, lost that job.  I kinda bummed around my moms for awhile, got unemployment, but got all kindsa antsy n shit.  It was around then I took up smoking butts, probably cuz I was bored, probably cuz I had nothin else to do but smoke butts on the porch n drink Coors Lite.  Man those were sum great days, Ill tell ya, but they didn't last cuz my mom got pissed (whys everybody always getting so fuckin pissed for?) an kicked me out.  Didn't really have nowhere else to go, so I kinda slept around outside in the back of my F-150 for awhile.  Fuckin love that truck, its a ‘92, with the single cab.  I figured I could bum around for awhile.  Sleep in the truck.  It was summertime after all and I had a lil bit of cash.  So I did that, drove around in the woods in places.  Ran into this guy who lived down the street from me when I was a kid, told me his roommate just up n left, and he needed somebody to move in.

So I drove the truck down further south then I ever been, and I moved all my shit (mostly just clothes n crap, all in trash bags) into Erik’s trailer.  We hit it right off - he was a bro, real chill, 420 friendly.  His fridge was stocked with Coors Lite and he had a ready supply of Jager.  He told me he worked on this site with this group of dudes and he'd just gone from job to job and site to site with em, all getting payed under the table.  We stayed up late drinkin and smokin and laughin like fuckin teenagers until the fire was ash and our packs were empty.  Somewhere around past 3 in the mornin, Erik told me he could probably get me a job on the site, too, if I wanted.  It was good money - he had enuf to buy his own trailer and a truck, too!

I aint never worked construction before.  And like I said, I aint a dumbass.  I know what kinda work that is - hard fuckin work, sometimes bone-breaking work.  But it was sumthin about the way Erik said it, or maybe cuz I was so fuckin hammered and wasted, that I agreed to go with him on Monday.  He talked about it for awhile, but I was drifting in and out, didnt really hear what he said.  I was floating on all kindsa colors of clouds, and the stars above were all winking at me, like they knew somethin I didn't.  

I’m not gonna say either that I’m like Mr Muscles or whatever.  I was never skinny, but closer to wiry.  Weird looking, if you ask me, but whatever.  I don't waste my time on mirrors n shit.  Just throw on whatever and hit the door.  But I gotta say, after some paperwork and a handshake or two, I was kind of enjoying the way it felt.  All day, I was in a sort of haze, lifting some shit here and carrying some shit there.  I wasn't any skilled laborer or nothin.  I didn't know how to do jack shit.  But Im a quick learner.  And I had Erik with me as like a sorta guide for the day, to like show me whats gotta be done.  I saw him talkin with the foreman, the only guy here wearin a shirt n tie, and the foreman was listenin real hard, so Erik’s gotta be some kinda bigshot around here.  Before I knew it, the end of the day showed up and I was wipin my brow making faces cuz I had dust in my teeth.

And everybody on the site was cool, and I liked bein outside.  I could get high if I wanted to before I went to work, which was fuckin cool as fuck.... I could smoke butts all day, and everything was mad chill.  So thats how I became a construction guy.  Don't feel like much of a story, but somebody gotta do it, right?  Turns out that somebody is me.  And maybe I am a little slow on the uptake, turns out.  Some of the guys on the site call me dumbass, but I don't mind.  Its just kinda like a joke, because I do dumb things sometimes.  And I don't talk so good, I get words mixed up.  But doesn't mean I’m a dumbass.  I know Im good at what Im good at - or something.  I aint that good at communicating, they said in HS, an I guess thats true.  But fuck it, cuz I got some fuckin dank weed to smoke with Erik tonite and we gonna get fucked up on Jager n listen to this new album he got of this like metal band.  The last album they did we listened to was all like weird whispery shit n like backward talking, it was cool but weird.  Man I smoked so many butts that nite.  Don't remember much of it, but thats what happens when I hit the Jager, haha.  Just make sure I got a Monster for the morning after, gonna need at least two!!

So yea maybe this is like a story about how I got happy, or whatever, haha.  Turns out school aint for everyone and you don't need to be inside all ur fuckin life an u can do what u want and think how u want.  There’s this big election comin up too, an like, usually I don't get into that shit, but I was talking to Erik an he was like yea man, u should vote the way u feel, u know.  Nothin gets done unless u take action, and that was like, so fuckin deep n shit.  But who would I vote for?  Erik shrugged and said that he thought I should vote how I felt, the one I liked the most.  So I did.  And he won!  How cool is that.  Erik even got me a red hat with his name on it to celebrate.  Sometimes I listen to him speakin and I agree with what he says and does.  Erik says he voted for him, too, and sometimes he talks about politics n shit, and I kinda have to tune it out.  He just keeps talking an talking and I kinda blank out for awhile.  But then I need anuther beer, and so I kinda like, come out of it.  

Man, Erik will say, laughing.  Politics really puts u to sleep, huh.  

Yea, I say.  Crack another Monster, I need a lil pick me up, haha

And UFC is on tonite, can't wait to see who ends up in the Octagon this time.  Got a cool UFC shirt coming in the mail.  It’s funny, I actually had this dream that a guy was wearing that, and I thought it was cool, so I bought it.  Sometimes I have these dreams about all these photographs of these dudes who kinda look like me but like not like me at the same time.  We wearing the same clothes, anyway.  Erik’s helped with that, too.  He knows that I usually just grab whatever, but when I have to decide, I get all stalled out.  He’s helping me by just picking em out for me, and thats awesome, Im thankfull for that.   

Ok thats all for now.  Maybe Ill write more later.

[flippinoptimist]

> Vel / Sawbones, pt 1

[fae-fucker]

Throne of Glass: Chapter 47-49

Chapter 47 

The chapter opens with Kaltain, who’s waiting for the final duels to start.

It was strange to think of this woman as an assassin, but seeing her now, all of her oddities and faults made sense.

And what in-universe flaws and oddities are those? Go on, I’ll wait. Actually, I won’t, because I want this hell to end. Kaltain doesn’t really know Sardines at all, and they dislike each other because they want the same man (but for different reasons). 

This book is just so feminist!

Kaltain poisons the wine that Sardines is supposed to drink and we’re back with Sardines.

Kaltain stood behind Perrington, wearing a beautiful red cloak lined with white fur. Their eyes met, and Celaena wondered why the woman smiled at her.

FEMINISM. 

Everyone stands around and the entire chapter is just about people standing around, waiting for the duels to start. Riveting. I guess this is supposed to build tension for the climax? Ain’t workin’ too well.

For a heartbeat, she saw the king with stark clarity. He was just a man—a man with too much power. And in that one heartbeat, she didn’t fear him. I will not be afraid, she vowed, wrapping the familiar words around her heart.

Yeah those familiar words that she supposedly repeats to herself ... She’d done it what, once? Twice? 

Doesn’t mean shit.

The king babbles on about some rules and how they’re not allowed o kill each other, for some reason. Cain and Renault go first.

Across the ring, Grave smiled at her as he wrapped a hand around the hilt of his sword. She bit down on her grimace at the sight of his teeth. Of course, she’d have to duel the grotesque one. At least Renault had been clean looking.

W-what? What does ... What does that have to do with anything? What the hell?

Sardines has a dirt-fetish confirmed.

Chaol offers her his sword. It’s very symbolic. 

She blinked at the blade, and slowly raised her face to look at him. She found the rolling earthen hills of the north in his eyes. It was a sense of loyalty to his country that went beyond the man seated at the table. Far inside of her, she found a golden chain that bound them together. 

Uh. Sure. 

Jesus Christ, what? What exactly made them friends, aside from the physical attraction? Most of the time they were bickering at each other, and not in a cutesy charming way.

And we gotta make sure the metaphorical chain is gold, because how else would you signify importance if not through arbitrary symbols of wealth?

And obviously, since Chaol and Sardines are both dumbasses and Smaas doesn’t research for shit, it’s not like this sword was probably custom-made and Sardines would have to get used to its size and balance before she could wield it properly, if she could do it at all. But Sardines is a master of every weapon, and all swords, even ornamental ones, are the same, right?

But despite this wanking over how super deep and amazing their friendship is, Mehemia waltzes up to Sardines too and offers her a SUPER SYMBOLIC STAFF.

And ... Just read this:

Nehemia leaned in to whisper in Celaena’s ear. “Let it be with an Eyllwe weapon that you take them down.” Her voice hitched. “Let wood from the forests of Eyllwe defeat steel from Adarlan. Let the King’s Champion be someone who understands how the innocents suffer.”

This is so dumb. Is this supposedly the start of Sardines’s journey to becoming a good person? Color me unimpressed.

She knew what the princess was asking of her. As the King’s Champion, she might find ways to save countless lives—ways to undermine the king’s authority.

N-no. Smaas. Honey. This isn’t how that works. Sardines isn’t nearly smart enough to do politics, and she’s already expressed disgust for people who are.

How else would she undermine the king’s authority? Being his champion means to fight for him. If she doesn’t do that, he’ll just replace her. She doesn’t actually have any power. She’s just a meat shield, a soldier. 

This is all so fucking dumb. 

“No matter what happens,” she said quietly, “I want to thank you.” Chaol tilted his head to the side. “For what?” Her eyes stung, but she blamed it on the fierce wind and blinked away the dampness. “For making my freedom mean something.”

I sure wish it meant something to the reader, too, because I have no idea what the fuck you’re supposed to be saying here.

Anyway, Cain beats Renault and it’s time for Sardines and Grave to fight. 

Chaol squeezed her hand, his skin warm in the frigid air. “Give him hell,” he said.

So is Christianity a thing in this universe? Or does the concept of hell just exist on its own?

Chapter 48

Sardines beats Grave super easily. As if we expected anything else. 

“How long did that take?” she asked. She found Nehemia beaming at her, and Celaena lifted her staff a little in salute.

“Two minutes.”

She grinned at the captain. She was hardly winded.

[rocking back and forth] The concept of a Mary Sue is inherently misogynistic. The concept of a Mary Sue is inherently misogynistic.  The concept of a Mary Sue is ...

Anyway, Sardines chugs the posioned wine. Some assassin she is for not realizing it’s poison, but whatever. OH BUT IT’S THE POISON SHE COULDN’T IDENTIFY THAT TIME THEY WERE DOING A TEST ON PISONS!!! you screech.

Yeah. Which is even worse. You’d think she’d realize this was a weakness of hers and find out how to deal with it and learn to identify it.

“Out of good faith, and honor to the Great Goddess,” Kaltain said in a dramatic voice. Celaena wanted to punch her. 

Idk what the fuck Kaltain did wrong since she was probably ordered to do this. Ah yes, her mistake was being an ambitious woman who wanted to use the protag’s fake love interest to further her own (very unclear) goals, so her crime is being female and having dreams of rising above her station. What a bitch.

FEMINISM.

“Ready yourselves,” the king ordered. “And begin on my mark.”

Celaena looked to Chaol. Wasn’t she to be allowed a moment to rest?

Lmao the narration just said you were barely winded. Suck it up, princess.

Sardines is getting all dizzy and shit and starts feeling ill. 

Why were things slowing down?

She attacked—faster and faster, stronger and stronger.

I’m getting all kindsa whiplash from this narration.

He knocked aside her blow as if it was nothing, and she retreated while he rose. And that’s when she heard the laugh—soft, feminine, and vicious. Kaltain.

SOFT. FEMININE. VICIOUS. ALL BAD THINGS (unless they’re applied to Sardines when observed through male eyes). 

WHAT A!!! SASSSY!!! STRONK!!! FEMINISTT!!!! CREATURE!!!!!

SMAAS HAS WON FEMINISM!!!

*deep breath*

Cain beats the ever-loving crap out of her and I’m here like a fucking child during Christmas Eve. This is some good shit. This is all I’ve ever wished for.

Doriass is watching this unfold and is super sad. Chaol is watching this unfold and is super sad. 

Cain is taunting Sardines about her dead parents. Her dead royal parents. Ya know. Cuz she’s a princess. But Smaas isn’t merciful enough to drop the charade yet, so Cain doesn’t actually say that.

Cain smashes her head against a wall (yay!) and she start tripping the fuck out.

It was a man, his skin pale and rotting. His eyes burned red, and he pointed at her in a broken, stiff way. His teeth were all sharp and so long they barely fit into his mouth.

FORESHADOWING.

Cain had said things he couldn’t possibly know—he’d seen it in her eyes. And if he knew about her past . . . She whimpered, hating herself for it, and for the tears that began sliding down her face, across the bridge of her nose and onto the floor. It was all over.

So the only reason we were in Chaol’s POV when Cain was taunting her is so that we don’t see Sardines’s flashbacks to her childhood and find out that she’s a princess before we’re “ready”.

Cheap. You’re not that good, Smaas.

Also, I’m incredibly happy over seeing Sardines all beaten and miserable. 

NOT A GOOD THING FOR A PROTAG THAT WE’RE SUPPOSED TO SYMPATHIZE WITH.

Cain smashes her head a second time and she sees a bunch of creepy monsters and it’s all very mysterious. Or would be, if I didn’t know where this was all going and actually cared. 

Cain rips off the Eye of Elena (the amulet that protected her from evil) and ...

They came for her.

Nah.

Chapter 49

We’re back with Dorian, because Smaas loves breaking up the action with pointless POV switches, and he realizes that Sardines has given up and is waiting for Cain to kill her! :’’’((( He doesn’t really ... do anything about it but whatever.

We’re back with Sardines. She’s really fucked up. 

Light and darkness. Life and death. Where do I fit in?

I dunno darlin’ but I’d recommend death in your particular case.

She’d find a way—she could find a way to survive. I will not be afraid. She’d whispered that every morning in Endovier; but what good were those words now?

This must be really riveting for fans of the book. Seeing your intrepid, sassy feminist creature for a heroine being so determined and strong! 

I’m just here hoping reality will somehow break and put me in a world where the book ends with her dying and Smaas going “y’all got trolled” in the epilogue.

But when things look most dire:

But then something extraordinary happened. Doors, doors, doors all burst open. Doors of wood, doors of iron, doors of air and magic. And from another world, Elena swept down, cloaked in golden light. The ancient queen’s hair glittered like a shooting star as she plummeted into Erilea.

Literal. Deus. Ex. Machina. Swoops down from the sky. To save her ass.

“I cannot protect you,” whispered the queen, her skin glowing. Her face was different, too—sharper, more beautiful. Her Fae heritage. “I cannot give you my strength.” She traced her fingers across Celaena’s brow. “But I can remove this poison from your body.”

But you just. Protected her? This is bullshit. And she keeps protecting Sardines, by battling Cain and the evil monsters that threaten Sardines.

(Also, I really love the super dumb and useless “Her Fae heritage” here. Like. Ok. What’s the point of this? Who cares about her heritage? Sardines is dying. Priorities? No? You just love your stupid Fae so goddamn much that you gotta remind us that the Fae Queen is indeed a Fae?)

Elena removes the poison from Sardines’s body and casts a debuff spell on Cain to impose vulnerability to melee attacks from bullshit assassins.

You think I’m trying to be funny, but this literally reads like Smaas played fucking Dragon Age and thought rewriting a cutscene would be a good idea. 

“Stand,” Elena whispered again, and was gone. The world appeared.

Cain was close, not a trace of shadow around him. Celaena lifted the jagged remnant of the staff in her hand. Her gaze cleared.

And so, struggling and shaking, Celaena stood.

How inspiring.

I don’t care.

I hope y’all enjoyed Sardines getting the snot beaten out of her while it lasted. Time to get back to the usual wank.