#Only the girlie that have watched Heather's before will really understand but maybe it could lean toward how the game goes as well?

[clownboymcchucklefuck]

YALL REMEMBER HOW RITZA SAID SETH WAS BASED OFF MEANT TO BE YOURS?

[angrylizardjacket]

i’ve learned to lose, you can’t afford to

Run to Paradise ‘verse

Summary: Tommy’s marrying Heather, and Lola refuses to go to the wedding. 

A/N: HEAVILY ANGSTY, WARNINGS FOR HEAVY DRUG USE (HEROIN INJECTION), AND THE MENTION OF TRACK MARKS AND BRUISES AND INJECTION SITES. IM FUCKING BIG SAD FAM. MADE MYSELF ACTUALLY CRY. HAVE AT. lola/nikki & past lola/tommy

Nikki can't remember how he got to the fancy mansion-looking place Tommy's hired out to marry Heather, but at least he made it. That's better than Lola.

"Get- Lo get up, it's- Lola, fuck," Nikki shoved at her, still in bed, earlier that morning, but Lola's barely coherent, strung out and basically catatonic. All she can do is groan, curling up on her side.

"Lo, Lola he'll want you there-"

"Nah," the word spills sticky and hazy, like honey from her lips, and she smiles like nothing bothers her but it’s involuntary, it’s the sweet relief of the morphine coursing through her veins rather than the topic at hand, “nah.” Her eyes flutter closed. Nikki gives her a harder shove, but she just goes with it, lets him shove her but doesn’t budge from the bed.

“He- Lola get out of fucking bed, there’s a car honking for us, we gotta go.” It’s the hardest he’s tried to convince her of something in a long while, and finally she rolls over onto her back.

“What’s happening today?” She asks lazily, and Nikki groans, and gives up trying to get her up, succumbing to his own sitting himself on the edge of the bed. It’s expected and automatic, the way Lola wraps herself around him, high and needy and warm and inviting and he’s fighting a losing battle. Tommy’s getting married in a few hours; he and Lola need to leave soon to get ready, but she’s pulling him back into bed, and he doesn’t have the strength to fight it.

“Tommy‘d want us there, babe.”

“Where?” Lola asks, before laughing brighter than she had in a long while, sitting up, drawing her knees up to her chest. As the sound begins to die in her throat, her gaze goes glassy, expression falling as indecipherable thoughts play out in her mind, “nah,” she breathes, going limp and laying back on the bed.

She’s worse off than even Nikki, and he knows that she’d shot up just after waking up, usually she’d wait at least a little bit, but Nikki had heard the ragged way she’s drawn breath, the soft swears she’d whispered when she’d thought he was asleep, and the sniffles and the way she’d gone off at herself under her breath for ‘going soft’. The drugs had stopped her hands shaking, stopped the sniffling, but she’d mumbled something about taking more than usual but wouldn’t say why.

“Lo, I’m his best man, and you’re- you’re- what are you again?” 

“No,” Lola shook her head, pressing her forehead to Nikki’s shoulder, one arm wrapped around him, “Roxy’s gone- gone. She stabbed him with a pen- God, fuck, she stabbed him,” Lola’s grumbling grew quieter until it was under her breath, and Nikki can feel her hands trembling.

“Don’t you- not fuckin’ Roxy, to Heather.”

There’s a quiet moment, finally, and Lola’s hand balls up into a fist.

“Heather doesn’t like me.” She sounds so young, like she’s sixteen again and all Nikki can see is the way she looked at him, defiant and hopeful in clothes too big, too unfamiliar to her. Even then she’d had fight, but she sounds defeated now. “She shouldn’t, she’s very smart; she shouldn’t like me.” It sounds like she’s trying to convince herself. “You go.” She gives him a gentle shove, though he doesn’t move. She props herself up and reached past him to the bedside table, into the top drawer where she’d already stashed a bunch of heroin-filled syringes. There’s bruises and angry, red injection sites along her wrists and by her inner elbow, and Nikki knows he’s got the marks to match, but his heart hurts seeing it.

“We should- Tommy wants us there, dude,” Nikki groaned, pulling himself to a sitting position, feet coming to rest on the floor. Lola hummed, sitting herself against the headboard, one leg tucked beneath the other as she frowned at her track-marked thigh for a clear place to inject herself. 

“They want you there, come on, Lola.” 

He watches her inject herself, watches the way her head falls back as the drug courses through her system; she was already fucked up when the conversation had begun, in a few minutes she’d barely be coherent. She was in no state to go; Nikki himself was only marginally better. But he couldn’t understand why she was doing this, on today of all days.

“Get out of this fucking bed and come to Tommy’s wedding, damn it!” Nikki managed to get to his feet, scowling at an uncooperative Lola.

“No! Fuck you! No!” She spits back, sinking back down into the mattress, empty syringe loose in her grip. “He’s happy! He’s allowed to be happy! He doesn’t want me there-”

“He does!”

“No he fucking doesn’t! He won’t want me there; I make Heather unhappy and he loves her! They’re allowed to be happy, you asshole, and that’s easier if I’m not there!” She shouts, propping herself up on her elbows, and Nikki realises too late that she’s crying, angry tears running down her cheeks. “I don’t want to play pretend like I’m over it, like I’m giving my blessing by watching him marry the woman that made me fucking obsolete to him. He made his choice.” The anger dissolves and her whole expression crumbles, shattering in one heartbreaking moment, her lip trembles and she messily wipes the tears from her eyes, “He made his choice and I’m trying so hard to be okay with it, but I can’t watch him marry her. I don’t want to make him upset, Nikki, he doesn’t deserve that. He deserves-” she cuts herself off with a sob, crying quiet and painful, curling up on her side away from him. Nikki is quiet, doesn’t know what to say, what to do, and so he leaves her like that, leaves to the car that’s been waiting outside and tells the driver that Lola won’t be coming. 

Nikki shoots up in the bathroom of the establishment before he gets changed into the suit provided for him. Joining the rest of the band, he sprawls out on one of the sofa as they wait for the ceremony to start.

“Hey, did you and Lols show up in separate cars, or, like, do you know where she is?” Tommy asks, beaming, looking so excited and bright in his white tuxedo. Nikki mumbles something, but his gut twists a little as a foggy memory of the morning’s encounter rose to the forefront of his mind. “She’s just cutting it a little close to get ready,” he frowns at the lone garment bag that was slung over the back of one of the other chairs scattered around. 

Mick is the one who speaks up, surprisingly.

“Drummer, if she’s not here now then she’s not coming.”

“No, Lola wouldn’t-” Tommy’s expression goes from confused to crestfallen as he looks to Nikki, “she’s on her way, dude, I asked you to make sure she was here.” Nikki’s eyes are closed, and he’s fighting to keep his expression neutral. 

“I tried,” he grumbled, but Tommy scowled.

“Well you should have tried fucking harder-”

“Drummer-” Mick tried, voice gentle, but Tommy threw a glare over his shoulder.

“Not now, dude;” and he turned back to Nikki, “she’s one of my best fucking friends, just like the rest of you, and you all turned up. Why couldn’t she come?”

Nikki’s strung out mind for once worked in conjunction with his mouth, and he stayed quiet, refusing to tell Tommy exactly why Lola had stayed home, though even through the fog that clouded his brain, he could feel his heart aching for both of them. 

“You’re both being really fucking selfish, you know that?” Tommy hisses, and Nikki sighs.

“She... she wants you to be happy, dude, that’s all she wants.”

“I’d be happier with her here!” 

Silence fills the room, and Mick clears his throat.

“If you can’t understand why Lola can’t be here,” he sighed deeply, shaking his head, “you’re dumber than a bag of hammers. I don’t know on who’s account she’s stayed back - maybe it is selfish - but she seems to understand the bigger picture of whatever this fuckin’ confusing dynamic is better than you.” He hums for a long moment as Tommy’s brow knits in confusion.

The kid doesn’t understand; Lola’s been in practically all the big moments of his life that have happened since he’d met her, been a constant in his life for years now. It’s not the same without her. It’s wrong. Maybe he’d taken for granted that she’d always be there, by his side, like she’d promised.

But that was back before Heather, before he’d fallen in love again, seriously this time. Not that what he’d had with Lola wasn’t serious, but he’d just assumed she’d still be there, like a... oh.

Guilt twists Tommy’s stomach as the realisation hits him, that he’d assumed that because he’d never stopped loving her, not really, that he could keep her like a backup. Taking for granted that she’d always be there if he needed her without considering how fucking much it must hurt her to hold the torch like he knows she would. 

“You know Heather doesn’t like her,” Mick cut through his thoughts with soft words, and Tommy shook his head for a moment, not disagreeing, but trying to clear his mind, “girlie just wants what’s best for you.”

“Yeah,” Tommy agrees gently, now feeling guilty for feeling guilty about hurting Lola, considering how the woman he was marrying in less than an hour felt about her, “she’s good like that,” Tommy swallows hard, forcing a smile, “selfless.”

[thegraphitesword-blog]

Pride Prompt Month 6/30: Discovery

Fandom: Be More Chill

Relationship: Two Player Ga(y)mers; trans!Micheal

Notes: I have yet to upload one of these on time, but eh, they’re getting up. This one I kinda threw together because I had to go back to the hospital. I was gonna do it in 2nd person (which is my specialty) but I decided not to.

More Notes: College Au for the boyfs and though it was sorta hard Jeremy doesn’t know that Micheal is actually Anais. (also i give full credit to  ask-middleborough. i just fell in over with their name choice). The game bois go to the same college that is just know as UCU though it has no meaning. It is post-squip though he is not relevant or a dick.

Tw: use of dead name, scars and suicidal thoughts

Pov: 3rd person

They were excited, no beyond excited. they had done it. Graduation was behind them, the squip was behind them. What was ahead.....

College

Micheal and Jeremy had freaked when they opened their acceptance letters to their first choice, UCU. Mr. Heere had taken them both out in celebration that they more than survived. The hype didn’t die down till they stood at the entrance of the dorm area.

Though they had filed to be roommates, Micheal was denied a room with Jeremy. Micheal blamed it on the fact they couldn’t do everything together, but that didn’t stop the fact they literally did everything together. Micheal went in aiming to study history centered around the 1800s to present, while Jeremy was one of the many who stuck with undecided.

They had completely different times for class, so for the first few weeks they didn’t see much of each other as they tired to work things out. A month later, Micheal finally came over.

“Hey Mikey, oh hey these are my roommates.”

Jeremy introduced Ethan and “Jeremy 2.0″ as they called him, to his Player 2. Jeremy went on none stop talking, unlike Micheal’s Jeremy, but Ethan just stared at him.

“Um....is there something I can help you with?” Micheal smiled playing with his headphones wires.

“An.....wait no.......you’re...um, Anais right.”

Micheal’s heart dropped, as both Jeremys stared at him.

“What? No. no that’s not-”

He cuts Micheal off, “Yeah you are. You were that girl who kicked everyone’s ass at the gaming convention like  7 years ago. Your gamer tag was like, um.....vinatgejoint420 or something.”

“No, I’m not. I promise you.”

“Hey it’s fine girls can totally be amazing gamers. 2.0 didn’t yo watch the retro gaming session a while back. that was her. Anais Mell, right.”

Jeremy blinked confused, “Wait, Micheal? What?”

Micheal didn’t hear the end of the conversation. He just ran.

There were a few things he never told Jeremy in the 12 years they had known each other. He didn’t say anything about the relationship between him and his parents and his,,,technically her birth personna. He was always lucky, the schools he went to always respected the name Micheal and by the time he got older, it was like the name Anais never existed. But, he guessed it would never go away.

He slammed the door to his dorm and sank to the floor. He knew why he couldn’t dorm with Jeremy, UCU had dorms seperated by gender. he knew that he was born a female, he knew that it would never go away.

But, he also knew that wasn’t him. He knew that he was a him. He knew that HE was Micheal Mell.....but would Jeremy.

His phones buzzed four times but he didn’t dare open the messages. Jeremy was worried, but Micheal wasn’t ready. He just wanted Anais to never exist. he hated lying to his boyfriend, but he couldn’t stop...not yet.

Micheal sat there on the floor for ages debating what he wanted to do. His fear was burning him up. He pulled off his worn but trusty hoodie and stared at his chest, his gray binder was peaking out of the tank top and Micheal considered tearing it to shreds.

“No that’s even stupider than telling him.”

Instead, he curled up in a ball on his bed, running his fingers over the multitude of scars on his arms, the thought of adding more swimming through his frazzled brain.

“Would more fix this? Would anything fix this? Maybe just straight up kneeling over dead would fix this. Then I wouldn’t have to say anything. Then Anais would disappear.....”

Another stupid idea, however tempting it was. He watched the sun shift s they day passed by and it wasn’t until his roommate Heather, walked in did he finally get up.

“Hey Mich-”

“Heather! Someone recognized me and they mention Anais and Jeremy was there and I panicked and I don’t know what to do and I keep thinking well if you just fucking died you would never need to tell him and if you don’t need to tell him then-”

“Whoa, whoa, Micheal chill out. What’s the problem with Jeremy know you’re trans or about your dead name, along as he accepts you?”

“He would know I was lying to him for the past like 14 years and he’s going to hate me.”

She smiles, “Do you know that? Or is that what your brain is telling you?”

“I....I don’t know.”

“If you don’t know then you’re probably just overreacting. Now I haven’t met Jeremy but from what you’ve said, and you’ve said a lot, hge sounds like he respects you and he defiantly loves you. So just tell him. Maybe not today but yah know... later. Just not too later.”

Micheal fell back on his bed and groaned, “God, I don’t want to think about this....”

Heather laughed rummaging through her bag, “How ‘bout you and I get stoned out of minds and deal with it tomorrow.” She says holding our a bag of choice cannabis 

.”God, you are a saint, Heather.”

She laughs rolling a blunt, “I know.”

Jeremy didn’t see Micheal for four days after Ethan mentioned the name Anais Mell. Both of his roommates were super confused, almost more than he was. Ethan wouldn’t stop talking about how amazing Anais was and all these things she was know for online and in the gaming world, but Jeremy still couldn’t figure out who that was and why Micheal never mentioned it. Instead, for the first time, Jeremy asked his dad.

Mr. Heere picked up on the first ring,

“Hello, son. what can I do for you?”

“Dad, do you know who Anais is?”

“Oh, did Micheal finally tell you? That’s great, he-”

“Dad, he didn’t say anything. who is that?”

there was a pregnant pause, before his dad cleared his throat, “Have you asked Micheal?”

“I haven’t seen him since my roommate mentioned the name. Dad, who is that?”

“Jeremy, you should ask him.”

“He won’t talk to me. Just tell me who that is?”

His dad sighs, “Anais is Micheal. From what he told me, it was his birth name.”

“wait he told you?”

“He told me not to tell you.”

Jeremy stopped, “Why?”

“i suggest you ask him. Tell me how it goes, son.”

Jeremy hangs up and tosses his phone on his bunk, while J 2.0 watches.

“What did he say?”

Jeremy shrugs, “He said that Anais is Micheal......but he never told me.”

J 2.0 opens his mouth but the door busts in, Ethan running in, “Dude, if you want to see your friend Anais, she’s downstairs standing in front of our building, hurry up.”

He didn’t need to tell him twice. Jeremy ran down the stairs, just in time to see Micheal turning to walk away.

“Micheal!”

He freezes, about to run, but Jeremy catches his arm.

“Micheal, where have you been? You haven’t answered any of my messages and I couldn’t find you anywhere. Are you okay?”

Micheal’s eyes dart between his escape route and his boyrfriend’s arm holding him.

“Y-yes of course. I mean why wouldn’t I be?”

Jeremy rolled his eyes, “Okay so say that is true, could you please explain what the hell has or i guess is going on?”

“Can we not.....do this right here?”

“well do you want to go to my dorm?”

“How about....um, mine?”

Jeremy was surprised, Micheal hadn’t invited him to his dorm all semester, or even mentioned it. He nodded and followed his panicking Player 2 to a section of buildings

“Where are we?”

Micheal doesn’t say anything, swiping his ID and pulling Jeremy up three flights of stairs. 

“Are you not going to tell me?”

“Just hold on Jer.”

One thing Jeremy noticed was the decorations on the walls of the fourth floor, super girly and cheesy, with bright colors and Instagram pictures. The second thing he noticed was the overwhelming number of women in the halls, doorways and common rooms. Kinda strange in his opinion.

They stop in front of a door with two paper game controllers on it, one reading Micheal and the other Heather. Micheal struggled to get his dorm key in the lock until Jeremy took over and swung it open to a dark room only illuminated by a TV and fairy lights.

“So this is your dorm....why is it that you get a girl roommate but no one else does?”

Micheal stopped and pulled Jeremy back into the hall way, “Are you that fucking oblivious, Jer?”

“What? What do you mean?”

His boyfriend groaned and pointed down the hall, “Does any of this make sense yet?”

Jeremy thinks for a second, but shrugs, “Not really....”

“oh my god, I’m dating an idiot, THIS IS THE GIRLS DORM!”

“Wait...that’s a thing? So,.......oh my god......”

Micheal pulls Jeremy back inside and sighs, “Do you get it now?”

“So....Anais.....is.”

“Yes, idiot. That’s me. Ugh, god, my birth name is Anais Mell. I never told you because I didn’t like that name since I could even understand what it was. When you met me, i had already started calling myself Micheal. No one at school either knew or remembered, but legally I was still Anais. I thought most people forgot, but apparently Ethan recognized me or something and I freaked otu because you didn’t know I didn’t know or want to tell you. I just....well....yeah.”

“So, you didn’t want to tell me why?”

Micheal played with his headphones, “I was...afraid you’d be upset I kept lying to you.”

“Micheal, you really think I would care, especially after what I put you through with the squip senior year? I just want you t be okay and happy and shit. I don’t care what you used to be, if you want to be Micheal or whatever, then that’s fine with me.”

Micheal could feel himself begin to cry, as the weight of his lie was lifted, he tackled Jeremy, “There are so many reasons I love you. This is one of them.”

“Hey I’m your Player 1, babe. Of course I would accept you no matter what.”

They cuddled for a couple minutes, before Micheal reached under his bed and pulled out a blunt and two bottles of Mountain Dew Red.

“How about we “celebrate” you being completely oblivious?”

“Hey!”

“Jeremy, don’t even deny it”

He kissed Jeremy quickly, before lighting up, “oh and if you ever use my dead name, we’re over. Got it?”

“Um.....yes.”

“God, you’re an idiot.”