#Showing my davi millsaps appreciation

[junker-town]

9 questions heading into the NBA Finals, answered by those who know the teams best

Writers from our Lakers and Heat communities talk about what it’s like to be in the NBA Finals.

It’s basically October and the NBA Finals are ... here? It’s been an odd few months but we’ve nearly made it through the entire postseason in the NBA bubble and it’s finally time to crown a winner. We sat down with Sabreena Merchant, writer for our Lakers blog, Silver Screen & Roll and Surya Fernandez, Editor-in-chief of our Heat blog, Hot Hot Hoops to get us prepared for the matchup.

Nobody knows these teams better than these two, so let’s get to the important stuff.

So, how does it feel to be back in the NBA Finals?

Sabreena Merchant, Silver Screen & Roll: It feels great. Really, really great. I thought the last seven years had desensitized my Lakers fandom, that I had developed a healthier way of appreciating the team having gone through some low points. Not even close. I have lost my mind during this Lakers playoff run. It is so thoroughly enjoyable to watch this team win, especially as a group that defies modern trends and resembles some of the Lakers teams I grew up with in terms of their sheer physical dominance. It is incredibly satisfying to see the Lakers back on this stage, where they belong.

Surya Fernandez, Hot Hot Hoops: I’m not even sure I’ve fully processed what this one feels like yet. It definitely feels more like the first time in 2006, where players blossomed and grew under pressure, compared to the Big 3 era, when they were expected to be perennial title contenders.

What was the world like the last time your team was in the Finals?

SM: People thought LeBron James couldn’t win when it mattered. Idiots.

SF: This team has had a lot of ups and downs since the last time in 2014: Chris Bosh’s health issues, Dwyane Wade’s departure and triumphant return, 11-30, 30-11, and missing out on the playoffs late in the season three times — including last season. Back then, we were all thinking Miami had a dynasty in the making and that this would be an annual event after four straight trips. Little did we know how hard it would be to climb back to the Finals.

Should we consider the winner the legitimate NBA champion for the 2019-20 season?

SF: Yes of course. The playoffs have been very memorable, not just for the outside circumstances for this to happen but for the actual game. None of that has been compromised either leading up to the Finals, whether it was major injuries or large-scale quarantines of teams or players that would have affected the outcome. I was a little skeptical at first but I was hooked right in immediately — and those were just warmup games.

SM: There is going to be an asterisk on this title. There has to be, considering the entire format of the season was upended midway through the year. But there were asterisks on the 1999 and 2012 seasons because of the NBA lockouts, and I don’t think the Spurs or the Heat feel any worse about those titles. If anything, the success those teams achieved in subsequent years showed that those runs weren’t fluky at all. The Lakers or the Heat will have deserved this championship, and it’ll count the same as any other one.

Will the lack of a homecourt advantage matter to your team?

SF: The lack of homecourt advantage is a big missing factor, both positively and negatively, but all things are truly equal so all the teams are playing on an even field in the bubble. Miami has been the lower seed every round so they’ve taken advantage of the situation. They were clearly at their best at home in the regular season though, but this is a team that happened to be custom-built to thrive in the bubble.

SM: After so long in the bubble, I don’t think homecourt even enters the calculus of either team, except for Anthony Davis, who repeatedly talks about protect homecourt as the higher seed. The Lakers seemed to miss playing in fans at the beginning of the restart, but they’ve adapted. They haven’t any made any big comebacks that you’d associate with the rush of the home crowd, but they also haven’t been down that much.

The lack of homecourt is going to matter when the trophy is presented. That moment demands an audience, and it’ll be weird not to have one.

Who is the most important X-factor on your team?

SM: Frank Vogel. Erik Spoelstra has seemingly surpassed Nick Nurse on the list of everyone’s favorite NBA coach this offseason, and the general consensus is that while the Lakers have the talent advantage on the court, the Heat have it on the bench. But Vogel has been quietly excellent throughout the postseason, mixing and matching rotations while still keeping the Lakers’ big, physical identity intact. He’ll have to push the right buttons once again versus a Miami team that is more versatile and adaptable than any opponent the Lakers have faced thus far.

SF: I don’t have a clear answer for that, which is probably why they’re in the Finals to begin with. Butler, Adebayo, Herro, Dragic or even Robinson could all be good candidates.

Which player on the other side are you most concerned about?

SM: Bam Adebayo. No team to this point has had anyone with a prayer of guarding Anthony Davis, though Paul Millsap did a much better job than was expected. Adebayo, though, is a defensive menace with the size and speed to keep up with AD.

SF: LeBron clearly has the motivation for several reasons. He will look to be aggressive at all times.

What has to happen for your team to win the Finals?

SF: A complete team effort, like it’s been since the beginning of the season (a year ago), with at least two players stepping up big in crunch time on both ends. No silly fouls either because the refs will call them, let’s say, “tightly” on the Heat if we’re going by the last two rounds. They won’t be able to stop LeBron or AD, but how much they can limit them and how will they defend the rest of the Lakers? If Erik Spoelstra and the coaching staff can solve that, and they’ve been at the top of their game in these playoffs, then the Heat have a real chance of outlasting the Lakers.

SM: LeBron James and Anthony Davis have to be the two best players on the court every night. They are the two best players in this series, but they have to make that felt on both ends of the floor. They’re going to need to combine for 58 points and 20 rebounds per game to make this happen.

Alright, who will be Finals MVP?

SM: Anthony Davis

SF: Jimmy Butler, it would just be too perfect of a way to end this crazy season.

And your finals prediction?

SM: Lakers in 6

SF: Heat swept the Pacers in the first round, dispatched the Bucks in 5, and handled the Celtics in 6 so I’m going with Heat in 7.

[ecotone99]

[HR] Rig Move

Rig Move (Radio adaptation found here)

by C.S. Humble

“First things first, Harvey, I don't want you to be nervous. I just want you to tell me how it happened. All of it, from the beginning,” the Company Man said.

“I'm not in trouble, am I? The only reason we went down there was because some of the other guys had fallen in,” Harvey said, and then sucked down half of his cigarette in one gigantic, effortless inhalation. Acrid and alluring, the smoke went into Harvey's pursed lips and then billowed out of his nose in two swirling jets, before rising upward into a cloud that crowned the roughneck’s wavy, black hair.

The Company Man's slender lips split along his clean shaven face, showing short herbivore teeth, and he said, “No one's in trouble, Harvey.”

“The tape recorder is for the company lawyers, I reckon,” Harvey said.

“That's right.”

Harvey killed the cigarette with a second pull and then stamped the filter out into the ashtray on the table. “My cousin's husband is a lawyer. Talked with him once at a family reunion in Cross Plains. Smart guy but a colossal prick. Never let you get in a sentence without trying to correct what you were saying.”

The Company Man, sitting opposite Harvey at the table, narrowed his face into an understanding squint that he accompanied with an agreeing, “hmph.”

“But I've seen the shows on the T.V., you guys need to protect yourselves in case any of the fellas try to blame you for what happened,” Harvey continued. “I don't blame you. I don't think anyone could have expected what happened, not even with computers and all the technology the survey crews use.”

The Company Man nodded along with Harvey, and then said, “We appreciate that, Harvey. Now, if you could just start at the beginning.”

“Well everything up until the hole opened up, everything was normal. 'Berto and I had just pulled off of rig 647, he was driving a winch truck and I was pulling our big tandem when we got to the site around seven that morning.”

“ By 'Berto, you mean Alberto Guevara.”

“Well, I don't know him that well, we just call him, 'Berto.”

“Go on.”

“Like I said, we got there in the morning and the Tool-Pusher, Eddie, had already gotten the rig houses loaded on the trucks, so it was up to me to get the oil derrick over to the location. When I got there the swampers where throwing everything together and the derrick was ready to go up in no time. And when Eddie threw that derrick on the top with our two cranes...well, let me say that the whole job felt wrong from the beginning.”

The Company Man tilted his head, “What felt wrong?”

Harvey shifted uneasily in his chair, the stare of the Company Man calling him a liar without the words coming out of his mouth. “Hell, I don't know. Something about being out in the middle of fucking nowhere – sorry, I know that isn't good language for the recorder, but I'm serious. Even Eddie, who is the best pusher who's ever shit between a pair of boots, was off. Almost like he felt sick. None of us had ever been on this location and there was something about it that just wasn’t right.”

“I see. Did anyone else seem to notice this?” the Company Man asked.

“I don't know. All I know is that once the derrick slipped off those crane booms, the whole ground started to shake and, I don't know about everyone else, but I knew something was wrong. The rig wasn't even the biggest that we'd ever moved. But once that son-of-a-bitch slid on top of the Sub-platform, everything went to shit. The platform, the foundation, and all those poor swampers on top of it, seemed to just break through everything they were sitting on, and they fell.”

“When you say fell…”

“I mean the whole ground opened up like a goddamned mouth, breaking through the earth like it was made out of Play-doh. I saw the look on Rusty Millsap's face as the Earth went out from under him. I remember the uncertainty, the panic, you know?”

The Company Man didn't respond.

“Guys went running when the sand started to give way. Some of us were far enough away or fast enough to get to safety, other guys weren't,” Harvey said, and then grabbed his pack of cigarettes out of his shirt pocket, slipped a coffin nail out of the pack and then dangled it on the right corner of his mouth – it drooped like a half-flaccid penis and bobbed up and down as he spoke. “Fucking just opened up right in front of us.

“How long until you heard the derrick hit the water,” The Company Man asked.

“We didn't hear it splash down. Have you seen the hole? Thing goes down for what seems like forever,” Harvey said.

“Whose idea was it to go down after them?” The Company Man asked, shifting his body so that the side of his torso was facing Harvey.

“Eddie's of course. It wasn't thirty seconds after shit all went bad that he started trying to put it all back together again. A Tool-Pusher's whole life is about breaking down huge, gigantic things, and then figuring how to put them together again. Anyway, Eddie was screaming at 'Berto to get his climbing gear out of his truck. Apparently he's a big mountain climber, which no one had any clue about before he told 'Berto to get it. He had two sets, and since I had done repelling during my time in the National Guard I was the swinging dick who got volunteered to go down with him,” Harvey said. He'd forgotten to light the cigarette, but did so now with a hand that was noticeably trembling.

“So you and Eddie repelled down into the pit?”

“Yes.”

“Harvey, it is important that everything you tell me from here on out is clear and concise as you can make it. We've already interviewed Eddie and it is important that the information you provide is accurate. The information Eddie provided was incomplete, we need as many details as possible.”

Harvey didn't like the Company Man. Didn't like his fancy gray suit, or his lazily empty baritone voice that dripped out of his mouth. It was like he was trying to catch Harvey in a lie, Harvey who wasn't smart but prided himself on being able to figure out a guileful mother fucker upon a limp-wrist handshake, something the Company Man hadn't even given Harvey when he came in. It was also the way he was sitting in that chair, often checking his expensive, shiny watch or looking at the tape recorder instead of the man in front of him who was trying to explain the most traumatic thing he’d ever experienced.

“I didn't do anything wrong, if that is what you are trying to imply,” Harvey said, grimacing a low frown across his unnaturally wide jaw.

“Mr. Wallace, I'm not suggesting anything of the sort, I just need to know what happened according to you.”

“Well, let me tell you something buddy, I've repelled down the Fort Davis mountains, and the amount of time it took to do that was nothing compared to how long it took for us to make it down the side of that cave. It was just... so deep, so far down that eventually the light from above could fit into a circle made by your thumb and middle finger. I immediately regretted letting Eddie talk me into going down there. And what we saw, Jesus Christ, I don't even want to tell you.”

“Please, Harvey, I need to know everything. It's paramount to the company's records that we know everything.”

“See, that's what I'm talking about, just speak plainly to me. What the hell does 'paramount' mean? I know you went to college, I can tell by the way you look at me like I'm some shit smear on the underwear of society. You think I'm just some dumb fuck who did something stupid to get a bunch of good men killed. But that ain't the way it was. That ain't the way it was at all,” Harvey snapped as he leaned forward in his chair, almost screaming now.

The Company Man didn't even blink, he just stared right at the giant man in front of him, his cold blue eyes refusing to break away from Harvey.

Harvey, shifted his gaze downward and continued, “I've seen a dead man before, so I don't want you to think I'm a pussy or nothing. It was about three years ago when I was working for Miller Transportation, a kid got pinned between two trailers. One of them rocked back a bit when the driver released the clutch and that boy—LaShon I think his name was—who shouldn't have been there in the first place, got caught in-between. And just like that, God flipped off the light switch,” Harvey said, snapping his fingers together. “Getting crushed between three-hundred thousand pounds of metal is no way for a kid to go... no way for anyone to go, but I'm just letting you know that I've seen death before. So it isn't an amateur telling you that when I saw the bodies floating in those waters, it unnerved me. A dozen men, dead from the fall, or from drowning because of broken legs,” Harvey paused, taking a moment to light his cigarette and then said, “When we hit the water with light, the bodies were missing pieces.”

“Like cuts and abrasions from the fall?” the Company Man asked.

“No. Like giant mouth-sized bites,” Harvey replied.

There was a long pause. Harvey just stared down at the table, his cigarette capped with a ring of flame that drifted gray tendrils of smoke all about him. The Company Man just looked at him; years of experience had taught him that giving a victim a room full of silence will eventually lead them to say the thing that's gnawing at their brain. And eventually, Harvey did.

“We dangled above the water for a long time, passing our lights over the wreckage while looking for signs of life. But when we saw the empty spaces in their bodies, we both knew, I think, that we'd climbed down into a place men aren’t supposed to go. I told him that we should get the fuck outta there, and I think he was about to agree with me, but then we heard a voice crying out from the water. One of the men had survived,” Harvey said.

“And did you find him?” the Company Man asked.

“The whole place was liquid night, a single ray of sunshine trying to grope down into a cave that light hadn't touched for I don't know how long. And if it hadn't been for David crying out from somewhere in the depths, I'd have gotten the hell out of there and never spoken a word again about what we'd seen. But we did hear him. At first I wasn't sure if it was a man who was making noises, but then we heard the words more clearly, saying, 'No' over and over again. The echo of the place made it sound more like a baby crying than a grown man begging for help.”

The Company man leaned forward in his seat now, listening, no longer checking his watch or staring at the tape recorder. “Go on.”

“Eddie hit the water first, his flashlight was waterproof, mine wasn't so I had to follow almost blind. It was so strange, the way the water felt so deep, and I couldn't shake the feeling that something was beneath us. It's like when you are treading water in the ocean and you are sure that a huge mouth filled with teeth is about to come up and swallow you whole. I saw that, you know, on the Discovery Channel, about how Great White Sharks don't attack things from the side—they come up from under them. And the reason they have that color on their skin is so you can't see them when they are racing up to you, you can't see them until they decide to open their mouth. I knew, I just fucking knew that while we were swimming, following this single ray of light in that god forsaken place, that something was underneath me, only I wouldn't even see the teeth when that mouth opened.”

“And Eddie didn't seem afraid?”

“If he did, he didn't show it. He called out to me and said that he could see some type of island in the darkness. He called out to David, but we couldn't hear him anymore, the echo of no's had just died away. We got to the island, luckily I'd been able to keep my flashlight above my head and swim with one arm, and when I switched it on it blasted a giant circle of light on a wall that wasn't more than eight inches from my face. I think I might have startled Eddie because he spun his light around and his beam illuminated the structure. He asked me if I was okay, but I don't think I responded. We just stood there looking at this... I mean it isn't the right word, but it looked like some sort of temple. There were carvings of letters or symbols, but not just that, other things that I think were creatures.”

The Company Man asked, “Did you find David?”

“Yes.”

“And?”

“I don't want to talk about that,” Harvey said with a weak, fearful sincerity.

“For the record, I have to press you for some description of what you found,” the Company Man said.

“We found David, but he wasn't alive. Don't ask me about it again, I mean it,” Harvey said, and he balled his giant fists on the table where the rested.

“Eddie told us about the temple, he said that it lit up?”

“That ain't the right way of putting it. Whatever began to bubble up and over the top of those walls wasn't light. It made the whole cavern glow, letting us see the massive scale of the building in front of us. It was more like a jelly, or fog that began to seep out of the cracks between the black stones that kept the temple upright. I turned to run, but I noticed that Eddie couldn't take his eyes off the fucking thing. He was mesmerized by it, and only the fear I felt in my stomach had broken its trance on me. I grabbed at Eddie' shoulder and begged him to come on, but then he started to reach for it. He even almost touched it.”

“That's when you assaulted him.”

“I didn't 'assault him' but fuck yes, I hit him. It was either belt him awake or leave him to suffer the same fate as the others,” Harvey said.

“You knocked him unconscious, Harvey. You put him to sleep, you didn't wake him up.”

“I saved his fucking life. You ask him, and he'll tell you. I slung that son-of-a-bitch over my shoulder, just like they'd taught us in basic training and started swimming in those black waters toward the single pillar of light where our ropes were hanging. I turned around, like a fucking idiot, only once. I saw it, all of it, squirt itself into the water like jello sliding off a plate. It was coming after us. It was huge. Its glow was so bright that it lit up the entire cavern and the waters underneath us. Bobbing up and down with Eddie on my back, my legs started to give out, and for a moment we both were submerged. I swear to God in heaven that I saw a city down in the depths, a fucking Babylon of buildings with towers reaching almost to the surface of the lake. I even saw the rig, which had crashed down into one of the buildings, but now looked tiny in comparison to the buildings sitting at the bottom. And, Jesus, there were these things, half fish things that were swimming in that city, swirling about and looking at us. Luckily, the blast of cold water on Eddie' face woke him up.”

“A city, Harvey?” the Company Man asked with disbelief.

“A goddamned city, like nothing your fucking brain could ever imagine. A place none of your college professors have ever told you about, where all the angles made no sense. The cylinders of the towers all bent in ways that when seen one way looked as though they should have been broken, but seen another way appeared perfect in construction. I can't fucking describe it to you because words aren't able to express what I saw. I wasn't supposed to have seen it.”

“So Eddie woke up, and?”

“We grabbed our ropes, which we'd attached to one of the winch trucks, and I thrashed the rope hard against the edge of the hole three times. I think we were both screaming, but I can't be sure. We watched as the thing that had come up out of the temple floated closer and closer to us. And it was saying things to us, not with a voice, but somewhere up here.” Harvey said, tapping himself on the temple. “Then the winch kicked in and we were lifted out of the hole. I watched the light swell to some terrible brightness and then just as they were pulling us over the edge, the light died out,” Harvey said.

“Thank you for your testimony, Harvey.” he said.

“So, y'all aren't thinking of going back down there are you?” Harvey asked.

The Company Man reached over to the tape recorder, depressing the 'record' button with his right hand before slipping it into his coat pocket. When his hand came out, he was holding a pistol.

The silencer quieted the shot.

Harvey fell over, hitting his face on the table as he slipped to the floor.

The Company Man placed the pistol back in his shoulder holster and now in his hand was a phone.

“It's done. Get Rogers in here for the second clean up,” he said, staring momentarily into Harvey's dead eyes while listening to his boss. He sighed and then said, “I'm afraid he corroborated everything the Tool-Pusher said, we'll need a tactical team to investigate further.”

The Company Man listened again for a moment, before adding: “No. You'll need to get someone else to lead the expedition.”

submitted by /u/csauthor [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/36xA7Oq

[americanahighways]

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There’s nothing quite like closing out a year with a bunch of heathens in our nation’s Capital. If not a bunch, then at least a band.

The five-member Band of Heathens filled the main room at Hill Country Live on 7th Street and rocked a small but enthusiastic crowd into 2019. The Austin-based group performed songs from their five studio albums as well as the singles “Carry Your Love” and “Dc 9,” which in an alternate universe would be Billboard hits.

Led by Ed Jurdi and Gordy Quist, who share lead vocals and write the band’s songs, the five-member group has followed up 2017’s “Duende” with “A Message from the People Revisited,” a song-by-song recording of Ray Charles’ classic 1972 album.

Jurdi and Quist, who formed the band in 2006 with Colin Brooks, have been on a roll since a series of lineup changes left them as the only original Heathens. They are backed ably by Trevor Nealon on keyboards, Scott Davis on bass, and Richard Millsap on drums.

The Band of Heathens’ sound draws comparisons to groups like Little Feat and The Black Crowes, but the best description I’ve heard of their style is “Grateful Dead Americana.” While this is probably true of any Americana fan, I most appreciate bands who have a lack of respect for strict genres. I like that Jurdi’s vocals are more soul and R&B based, while Quist has a more straightforward singer-songwriter style, with some Memphis pop/country/soul added for good measure.

Monday’s show started just before 10:30 and ended with two songs in 2019. Much of the first half of the show was devoted to songs from “Duende,” including “All I’m Asking,” “Sugar Queen,” “Green Grass of California,” and “Last Minute Man.”

“Medicine Man,” “Gris Gris Satchel,” from 2016’s “Top Hat Crown,” were mixed with “Jackson Station” from the group’s 2008 self-titled studio debut. “LA County Blues” and “You’re Gonna Miss Me,” from 2011’s “One Foot in the Ether,” were also highlights.

The latter song included an extended jam featuring Jurdi solos on both lead guitar and harmonica. It proved to be a strong segue into the group’s “Message” set, where the band covered a series of standards that Charles had made his own almost a half century ago in a musical call for peace and harmony.

Because of history’s tendency to repeat itself, many of the issues Charles’ sang about in 1972 remain sadly relevant today. Still, it took some guts for a white Americana band to remake a known soul classic take by take, in just four days of studio time no less. And for the most part, it works.

On Monday, amid the celebrations and just a mile from the White House, it was almost cathartic to hear songs like “Heaven Help Us All,” “Abraham, Martin and John,” and “Look What They’ve Done to My Song, Ma.” Even “Take Me Home, Country Roads,” which felt more like John Denver than Ray Charles, worked.

The mini set done, the band returned to its own catalogue, roaring through “Deep Is Love,” the beautiful ballad “Hurricane,” and the rocking “Trouble Came Early,” which ended just in time for the New Year’s countdown. That was followed by a cover of Wilson Pickett’s “In the Midnight Hour” and, as the closer, “America the Beautiful.”

With that, the show and another year were in the books. And both were memorable.

Show Review: A Bunch of Heathens Rang in the New Year with the Band of Heathens at Hill Country in DC @BandofHeathens @HillCountryDC @ourrealityshow @missingpiecegrp There’s nothing quite like closing out a year with a bunch of heathens in our nation’s Capital.

[racingtoaredlight]

Ranking The 50 Best Non-Kelly Olynyk Players In The NBA, Part 5

There are a maximum of 449 non-Kelly Olynyk players on NBA rosters nowadays, give or take an injury exception or two. Make no mistake, they are all ridiculously good at basketball compared to the population at large. But, in the NBA universe, some players are better than others. I’ve taken the liberty of poring over stat-laden spreadsheets, breaking down game film, snorting piles of coke, throwing darts, flipping coins, arguing with my pets, sobbing uncontrollably, and going with my gut to arrive at a list of fifty truly elite athletes.

A couple of points of order before we start:

I’m disregarding the players’ contracts for this exercise. So, a guy doesn’t move ahead of a better player due to costing less, and conversely a player won’t be dinged for being “overpaid.”

This isn’t a “Who I Would Build A Franchise Around For the Next Five Years” kind of deal. I’m ranking these gents based on who I would want for next season, and next season alone. So the value of older players isn’t totally crippled by expected age-related regression, and young guns don’t automatically rocket to the top of the list based on potential alone.

That’s pretty much it. Let’s get the party started.

PART 1  PART 2  PART 3  PART 4

#10. Chris Paul. Chris Paul seems miserable to play with. Having said that, he’s one of the most efficient point guards in the history of the league, and he unquestionably makes his teammates better. He showed the first real signs of decline this season, but was still among the league’s best. If Chris Paul is running the show for you, you’re in good shape. My grandmother is a resident of Winston-Salem, North Carolina and is a huge Wake Forest fan. She’s also an avid reader of this here blog, and called me the other night and said “Clahde, if yew don’t have Chris Pawl in yer top teein, I’m never makin’ yew any fried chicken an hush puppehs ever agin. Also, I’ll come ta yer house an bleed yew ta death with yer grandaddeh’s letter opener.” My Gram’s a big Chris Paul fan.

#9. James Harden. Harden’s game is so horrible to watch. I know intellectually that the things he does make total sense within the rules of the game, and can kind of sort of appreciate the fact that he’s mastered the techniques he uses. But, being subjected to it is just brutal. Having said all of that, there’s no denying that he’s an extremely effective player. He’s the only legit franchise player in any sport that if I were a team owner, I would sign, and then never watch any of my team’s games. I’d spend the season doing normal super-rich guy stuff, like hunting supermodels on my private island, and having sex with transients. Maybe I mixed those two things up, maybe not. Fuck you, I’m rich.

#8. Nikola Jokic. Sub-ranking of best Jokers: 1) Ledger, 2) Jokic, 3) Nicholson, 491) Jared Leto.  I know this blurb is supposed to be about Nikola Jokic and his extremely high ranking, but I really want to talk about how much Jared Leto sucks. Look at this shit. I still can’t believe these are things that really happened. If he was a REAL method actor he would’ve thrown himself into a vat of toxic waste. Pussy. In what world are Jared Leto’s contributions as an actor worth putting up with a single one of those things? YOU’RE A DOLLAR STORE DANIEL DAY-LEWIS AT BEST, YOU PIECE OF SHIT. Jared Leto wasn’t born, he sprung into existence after a group of homeless heroin addicts jerked off into a trunk filled with costume jewelry. Nikola Jokic has amazing passing skills for a 7-footer. 

#7. Kawhi Leonard. I obviously think Kawhi is a great player, given that I have him at #7. But, I do think he’s just a smidge overrated. The Spurs as a whole benefit from the exaggerated narrative that they’re this unsexy, workmanlike, small-market, does-everything-the-right-way team. So, when they were pitted against the hated, “everything-that’s wrong-with-today’s-athletes” Miami Heat superteam in those two Finals match-ups, the desire to see them prevail clouded popular opinion and caused their greatness to become a tad overstated. Kawhi Leonard benefitted the most from this. Again, he’s an awesome player and any team would love to have him, but this notion that he’s the second best player in the NBA is a bit much. He doesn’t really create for other players, and his defense actually took a small step back this season. Great player, but not in my top five.

#6. Karl-Anthony Towns. There’s nothing not to love about KAT. He’s the best and most complete big man in the NBA, and he’s not even 22 years old yet. He pulled down 12 boards per game this season, and has the length and athleticism to lead the league in blocks. He averaged 25 points per game while hitting 54% from the field, 37% from three and 83% from the foul line. He’s also goofy and hilarious off the court. I’m so riled up over here I can’t even think of any jokes to write. Why did the chicken cross the road? TO TELL EVERYONE HOW FUCKING AWESOME KARL-ANTHONY TOWNS IS!

#5. Giannis Antetokounmpo. Figuring out who to rank higher between Giannis and KAT was the toughest part of this entire exercise. KAT has the higher floor, but The Greek Freak’s abilities have no ceiling. He’s honestly one of the most amazing athletic marvels of our time. I gave Giannis the nod by the slimmest of margins based on his ability to legitimately play all five positions, and on the fact that he’s a literal superhuman. Like, nothing is off the table for next season with him. Could he rampage through next season like a 6′ 11″ Russell Westbrook and average a triple-double? Yes, he could. I’d settle for him continuing to develop as a three-point threat, because once he adds that to his arsenal there won’t be any way to stop him. At only 22 years old, his game has plenty of time to grow, which is terrifying as a fan of an Eastern Conference rival, and exhilarating as a fan of sports in general.

#4. Stephen Curry. Anyone who tries to act like Steph isn’t a devastating offensive player is a moron. The dude can put the ball in the basket as well as anyone on Earth. He’s an incredibly efficient shooter from anywhere on the floor. The fact that defenders have to pick him up as soon as he crosses half-court warps the entire structure of a team’s defense, and makes the Warriors’ offense extremely difficult to handle. His personal stats took a hit this season with Golden State’s addition of Kevin Durant, but that doesn’t mean Steph’s skills have diminished in any way. He’s the best shooter to ever play the game.

#3. Russell Westbrook. Russ is a horrifyingly intense individual on the court. The most common criticism of him is that he shoots too much. This would be a valid criticism, if there were a single other player on his team that could score with anything resembling consistency. Westbrook doing everything for OKC this season was actually their best option on every possession. Would people like him more if he’d deferred some, and the team won ten fewer games? That’s craziness. He’s probably the most explosively athletic point guard to ever play, and he’s operating at the peak of his powers. This season definitively proved that as long as you have Russ, you’ll make the playoffs regardless of whatever collection of shit-smeared mannequins you surround him with. That’s the definition of a franchise player, in my book. The making the playoffs no matter what part, not so much the shitty mannequins. That’s a gross image, I don’t even know why I wrote that.

#2. Kevin Durant. I’m in agreement with everyone who believes that it was lame as hell for KD to join the Warriors. His decision dropped one team from the ranks of title contenders while making a different team a nigh-unbeatable juggernaut. For me, that makes the league as a whole a little less fun. But, I can understand why he did it. His game couldn’t possibly be a better fit anywhere than it is in Golden State. He’s right there with Steph Curry when it comes to shooting efficiency, the only difference is that KD is seven feet tall with crazy long arms. His jumper is completely unguardable. Aside from the winning and the wide-open looks he now routinely gets, another benefit of his move to the Warriors is that he’s able to show that he’s actually pretty damned good defensively. In a lot of the lineups Golden State throws out there KD is the lone rim-protector, and he’s done a better-than-expected job in that role. But, let’s not pretend that KD’s value is coming from his defense. When it’s all said and done, he really could go down as the greatest scorer in the history of basketball. 

#1. The PB & J. There’s never been a team in any era that wouldn’t cast aside their best player in favor of a PB & J. This playmaker combines slightly savory peanut butter with a sweet, fruity explosion of jelly between a couple of slices of starchy, carb-loaded Heaven, and it’s headed straight for the Hall of Fame, no doubt about it. The PB & J is universally beloved in every locker room it’s been in, and that kind of morale-boosting ability is desperately needed in the dog days of an 82-game grind. Team chemistry is no joke. The PB & J gets bonus points because to the best of my knowledge Delonte West never fucked it’s mom.

HONORABLE MENTION: LeBron James.

THE MASTER LIST:

1. PB & J 2. Kevin Durant 3. Russell Westbrook 4. Stephen Curry 5. Giannis Antetokounmpo 6. Karl Anthony Towns 7. Kawhi Leonard 8. Nikola Jokic 9. James Harden 10. Chris Paul 11. Paul George 12. John Wall 13. Anthony Davis 14. Rudy Gobert 15. Jimmy Butler 16. Marc Gasol 17. Kyrie Irving 18. Damian Lillard 19. Draymond Green 20. Isaiah Tomas 21. DeMarcus Cousins 22. Gordon Hayward 23. Kyle Lowry 24. Joel Embiid 25. Kemba Walker 26. Hassan Whiteside 27. Blake Griffin 28. Kristaps Porzingas 29. DeAndre Jordan 30. Klay Thompson 31. Kevin Love 32. Eric Bledsoe 33. Andre Drummond 34. DeMar Derozan 35. Bradley Beal 36. Myles Turner 37. Paul Millsap 38. Carmelo Anthony 39. Brook Lopez 40. CJ McCollum 41. Mike Conley 42. Al Horford 43. LaMarcus Aldridge 44. Goran Dragic 45. Dario Saric 46. Jeff Teague 47. Dwight Howard 48. Andrew Wiggins 49. Nikola Vucevic 50. Otto Porter Jr.  Honorable Mention: LeBaron James

Well, there you have it. These were fun to write, I hope they were fun to read. For the readers who aren’t really NBA fans, why are you so racist? Not cool.