#TJE PHRASE THAT TOOK ME WAS

[nico-sees-dead-people]

okay so your mom invited me round for summer bc im usually a year rounder bc yk uh monsters really like trying to eat me but she wouldnt hear it and neither would you so you basically kidnapped me onto a plane to texas

we got there and i tried to just wear my jeans but you told me i would die of heat stroke to which i replied id rather that then wear shorts and then you once again dragged me out to hot topic to get some shorts

we didnt end up getting shorts

you took one look at tje $29.78 shorts and started screaming about prices and capitalism full blown texas accent and phrases the whole works

they had to get a security guard *giggle* they had to get a security guard to drag you out *gigglegiggle* and you didnt stop pouting till i got you ice cream *wheeze* but then you got all grumpy about the price of ice cream 😭

@dr-flipflops WGAT IS ‘GENDERLIQUIDD” “GENDERWATER” “GENDERFLUID” THAYS THE BIRDH GENDERLDUID WHATS THAY PLS EXPLAIN RIGHT NOW PLEASE AND THANK TOU EVEEYRHUNG IS FINE

[metamookii]

okay time to talk about the Before School thing i did today bc i had some pretty Entertaining experiences !!!!

got to a starbucks at around 3:05 . got an iced green tea with honey . very tastey , very good , very caffeinated .

walked over to the school itself at around 3:20ish.

got into the school, did some fucking Math activity in one room, which was rlly awkward cos when it was my turn to do all the math i had a really hard time and tried to get everyone in my group to skip me

then went for like a . “scavenger hunt” around the school w a group of some ppl i knew from elementary [ one more nice and cool and two a little less fun to talk to ] and got recognized by someone i haven’t seen in years which was rlly awkward

went out to the school garden . they were passing out rice krispies and other snacks so i took a rice krispy and i ate it rlly fast cos i was so hungry but i wasn’t feelin it . too much . i was very lonely because no Friends or ppl i could have Fun with were there . and i was not being Interacted with . so i was Upset

then ! the Fun part started ….. the group in the garden lined up into two groups and played telephone several times . but the seniors + juniors running the telephone game were quite Entertaining . because once i was at the beginning of the line and they were telling me the phrase i was to pass onto the rest of the line, they mentioned that we were all girlbosses . i asked “actually can i be gaslight” . they laughed and thought i was funny .

THEN THEN THEN one of them said “oh …. and are u “ AND DID THE LIMP WRIST MOTION and bc i think half of these ppl were Visibly queer i was like “haha i mean look at my outfit i’ve been trying to Signal to others all day” LDJOAGWBD BUT I WAS SO EXCITED I WAS LIKE HOOOOOOY SHIT THEYRE COOL and they were like “lol yeah we’re” limp wrist “too” it was Great

Then . they asked me what my name was . and i panicked because i just have So many and for these visibly cool ppl i don’t wanna say my deadname ofc . so i floundered around for a bit and looked around me and i saw a stick so i blurted out “STICK” [ yes . cliche . i know ] and they were like “lol nice”

and i was still at the front of the line for a while so when it was my turn Again because we were playing several times they beckoned me over by saying “YOU , THE FRUITY ONE”

and then they asked my pronouns and i mumbled something like “egghfjjhghjjjhhhhhhhhhgghh” and they were like “Nice .” and one of them [ who i also saw at orientation a week ago ] Also has multiple names and uses any prns but like u could NEVER TELL KDKOAGW

then they all called me stick when i left … So fun ….

AND THEN WHEN I GOT ON THE BUS TO LEAVE , THE PERSON W ALL TJE NAMES AND STUFF GOT ON TOO AND WE STARTED TALKING AND THEY R SO COOL and they were also on my TRAIN RIDE so now we have exchanged DISCORDS and they’re also a junior so it’s good to have upperclassman friends . we were talking All bus ride + train ride it was So fun . i even forgot to text my parents i got on the train in the first place cos i was too busy talking . Helof

throughout the day i got compliments on my earrings Twice which were actually handmade by a friend of my moms in czech and that is :] and i think the first half of the day was super miserable and i was wallowing in doubt and pity but the latter half . YAYA and i have another day tomorrow and the day after that ^^

[shadymultiverse]

Its really hard to not fucking reach out for validation. I know i wont get it and i knwo thathg litteraly everyone who spoke to me these past couple of days will not get what im trying to say anyway.

The gardest part is that I tried ti acknowledge them and to validate their feelings. I felt like they all made some valid points. I was obly hitting up my one friend when i needed aomething, but prior to getting to that point i tried to be a real friend to her. I really thought we had something real. She completely disproved all of that though. Leading with "i know we arent good friends" i guess we werent really.

When i was suicidal I didnt feel like I could confide in her. I didnt feel like they would care or understand. I hadd tried to tell them i wasnt ok but they just... disregarded the emotions. Every time i tried to talk they walked away from the conversation. If it got heavy at all they didnt want to have it.

So I jsut stopped trying.

I guess i dok nt really know how to be a friend to someone. She said you were always kind but thats not a friendship. I thought thats exactly what a friendship is. Your kind to each other, you laugh with each other and you seek each other out over other people because you like each other. I dont aprticularly like people. I cant spend much time with anyone or i get overwhelmed with all of their emotional bullshit, but i try to be as good a friend as i can.

But really... i dont want friends. Ive never had them for any amount of time. Ive never had anyone that ever wanted to stick around for more than a year or two.

Up until tuesday I had four exceptions to that reality.

Now i just have one.

I think its funny that she looked over my other friends shoulder saw her name and just fucking ran with it. I wasumping her into a category but she decide di was talking dhit about her behind her back. I think thats such a fucking childish notion.

Soemthing shes super fucking agressive about but i happen to know she does all the time. And whats even funnier... I wasmt tlaking shit. God. I just hate that its considered that to ever even mention anothe rperson i must be a shit talker.

Is it shit talking when jts truth? When its just mentioning someone? When its barely even a thing? She just fucking took off with it and fucking ran away

She shamed me as well. And she doubted me

If you were suicidal....

Not if, nah, i was suicidal.

Verything about this stupidity is in the phrasing. If i was suicidal. The fact thay i didnt like you game didnt mean that i didnt like you. No it qas all in the way that you went about telling me how much you ficning hated it. The entire time we playe dit. You fucking belitted and put it down. You treated thw game like it was the biggest waste of your time.

Im sorry that i tried to do somethi g fun instead of fucking sitting in a tiny ass room getting fucking wasted.

I think its important to be realistic about what and who upset you. Which is why i said you and her when speaming to my first friend about all of this.

What frustraits me the most is that Chanda assaulted me verbally so quicy and entirely that i didnt even get to rpocess what i had said to aubrey or what she had responded with. It became a out Chanda and the chip on her shoulder.

I realky dont want to talk to her again but i also hate the way that it was left. The totality of how little she acknowledged my pain.

Nd yet i know i hit a lot of nerves. I have to remember thag. I hit nerves and thats why she blew up the way she did. It was really clear by how agressive and falsely nice she was being from begining to end. It was clear to me that she was absolitely fucking furious with me. I dont think it qas so much with me but her own inability to acknowledge her fualta.

No one wants to think that them spending 3 hours belittling a game is going to damage someones fucking heart as much as it can. When something is am extension of yourself and someone steps all over it its fucking hard to feel anything except stupid for trying to include anyone in your stuff.

And when every time you end up hanging out with someone its only because you reached out to them, you took the time to talk to them. Or they happened to be soemwhere you ended up. They never try so of course you focus on what you can get from them instead of what you can give them. When your already doing everything you can...

I see it all over the place in my world. Ive got so few people that actually reach out. Just the one, really. She texts me i text her, we call each other. Sometimes we go weeks without talking but it doesnt bother me cuz i onow that shes busy or im busy or whatever.

Ive done three experiments with those other three friends to see how long it would take for them to message me first. Every time i ended up being the one to reach out.

When in a room together i tried to communicait and i tried to be open ut i meber felt heard. And clearly i wasnt because my feels came as a total shock when revealed.

I was the only person activy trying to be a friend. And maybe thats ebcause my biew of friendhaip amd their view of friendship are different from mine but these are new a bounderies that i am trying to fucning establishm bounderies so i dont feel used and ignored and otherwise mistrwated by my friends.

I want to feel ehard by them. I want to be able to have real conversatuons with them about anythjng and everything. I dont want to feel like they are belittling me about tje things i like. I want to get text messages like the ones i send. I want to have open and valuable communication. I want truat. I want people to understand the different between talking shit and establishing a pattern and getting advice.

I dont want to feel so cornered that i get viscious if they are someone i care about. I do not like that i have been pushed into being viscious thia week ebcause i like to be mean and when i release that person she takes ober and she is a truely cruel human being with mor egard for anyones emotiona. I like her because shes firm and shes realistic and shes gets shit done ut ahe also kind of scares me and she ruins my hard work....

Of courae if i would just let her take the reigns i might actually be out of my situation by now knstead of circling the suicidal drain off and on for the last 6 years....