#WAILING. IM FINE THO YEAH. THE EMOTIONS ARE. FINE.

[bottomlwjrights]

MO DAO ZU SHI REREAD:Thoughts™️....and Stuff

Chapter 40

“They should’ve been able to talk, to say who they were, to shout for help. However, the awful thing was that somebody had cut all of their tongues off before this.” In case i havent said it enough, i hate Xue Yang!!!!

I dont have anything funny or witty to say, this whole situation is just sad

“She instinctively hated him and refused to settle. And so, whenever Xue Yang went out night-hunting with Xiao XingChen, she’d secretly follow them. Even when they were in the same house, she didn’t lower her guard.” She lived constantly on guard for, what, years?

Nobody told xxc stories when he was a kid, which I believe to be a crime

The first disciple to leave the mountain, YanLing DaoRen, was an excellent and renowned cultivator, but suddenly became a villian for some unknown reason and died under thousands of swords, according to xxc (parallels wwx a little)

“‘The second disciple was a girl and also very outstanding.’ Wei WuXian’s chest felt warm. She was ZangSe SanRen.” 🥺

“How would an outstanding and beautiful cultivator settle on a servant. This story’s so cliche. It’s probably made up by some poor scholar.” Oh little A-Qing... (wait this mirrors lwj and wwx’s love story, except of course the death part, because in my eyes they just cultivate to immortality and live happily ever after, together forever)

Shut up, wwx, you’re not a villain

Xxc describing sl makes me uuuh wanna cry “A very good friend of mine.” “A sincere man of noble nature.”

Shut the fuck up Xue Yang, no body cares

SHUT UP XXC CARRIED A-QING TO BED THATS ADORABLE 🥺 BIG BRO XINGCHEN EVEN TUCKED HER IN

Shut up!!!! He went and got her candy!!!! And then gave her candy everyday!!!!

Sl said to A-Qing the exact same the xxc said to her, like almost word for word... hold i...

Also note that wwx said they must have been very good friends to be so much alike 

Why did he hesitate???

“Song Lan answered straight away, ‘His height is similar to mine. His appearance is rather fine. His sword is carved with patterns of frost.’” Dont ask why this drove me crazy 

Sl was looking for xxc for years....

“For some reason, Song Lan’s face was extremely pale. He stared at the door of the coffin home, as if he would rush inside if he could, but was too scared to do so.”

“The instant he heard the [xxc’s] voice, Song Lan’s hands trembled so much that A-Qing could clearly see it.”

Sl was so angry his entire body was shaking

Xy is disgusting

After the attack of Baixue temple, while injured, sl said some nasty things to xxc....sounds alot like the aftermath of Nightless City....

“Who was the one who said ‘from now on, we won’t need to meet again’? Wasn’t it you, Daozhang Song? He listened to your request and disappeared after he dug out his eyes for you, but why have you come to him now?” Shut up shut up shut up

Fuck Xue Yang!!!!

“Song Lan looked down at Shuanghua’s blade, which penetrated his heart, then slowly looked up again. He saw Xiao XingChen, who calmly held the sword.” Im gonna cry

“Slowly, Song Lan fell to his knees before Xiao XingChen.” Yup im crying

“At such a time, if Song Lan passed his sword to Xiao XingChen’s hands, Xiao XingChen would’ve immediately known who he was. He’d be able to recognize the sword of his closest friend with just a touch.” He would have known sl’s sword by just a touch....

Sl didnt pass his sword to xxc so that he didnt have to bear the burden of knowing he killed him.....

“...large drops of tears rolled from her eyes. Although she was scared, A-Qing reached out to close Song Lan’s eyes. She then kneeled in front of him and put her palms together, ‘Daozhang, please don’t blame me or the other daozhang.’”

She kowtowed in front of sl’s body....

A-Qing is smart and quick witted, pulling such a fast lie like that

“Cut a few dozens of times on her face so that she’ll never have the guts to go outside again.” 😧

How xy can say something like that and then offer up a plate of bunny shaped apple slices that he cut himself is beyond me

“Looking at the plate of cute, delicate slices, disgust filled both A-Qing’s and Wei WuXian’s hearts.” Yeah me too

(Chapter 41 & Chapter 42 below the cut)

Chapter 41

A-Qing didnt wanna tell xxc about sl...

“The blood grew more and more and eventually leaked through the bandages, trickling down from where his eyes once were.” God he’s crying ....

“Originally, the injury of his eyes would bleed whenever he had excessive thoughts or emotions, but it hadn’t recurred in quite a long while.” I hate this

“...after Xiao XingChen managed to calm down, he told A-Qing, ‘A-Qing, run away.’” I hate this so much

“I can’t go. I need to find out what exactly he’s trying to do...If I left him here alone, I’m afraid that the people of Yi City would sink into his hands.” Y’all gotta stop with this selfless,self sacrificing, being a good caring person shit man, its okay to save yourselves sometimes

“A-Qing’s sobs weren’t faked anymore. She tossed the bamboo pole to the side and clung to Xiao XingChen’s leg...”

“Xiao XingChen asked coldly, ‘Was it fun?’ Xue Yang took another bite into the apple that was still in his hand. He only replied after calmly chewing for a while and swallowing the fruit, ‘Yes. Of course it was fun.’” I hate him

Even the idea that xy did all this because he was bored...

“My finger was my own, while those lives were other peoples’. They wouldn’t be equal no matter how many lives I killed. It was only around fifty. How could it have possibly been equal to one of my fingers?” I cannot even begin to express my disgust...

This is all so sad....

“… Is that you, ZiChen?”

“Even if the two swords had just clashed, Xiao XingChen should be able to tell who the other was from only the strength of the attack...He turned around slowly and reached out a quivering hand, feeling for the blade of Song Lan’s sword.”

“… ZiChen… Daozhang Song… Daozhang Song… Is that you…?” Im crying again

And he’s crying nonstop

“… What happened…? Say something…”

“Xiao XingChen stood blankly in front of Song Lan. Putting his hands on his head, he wailed as though he was ripping his chest apart.” I cant handle this shit im about to stop reading

Fuck you, Xue Yang

“At this moment, Wei WuXian saw himself in Xiao XingChen. Him, who failed miserably as he stood drenched in blood, who couldn’t do anything except silently acknowledge the critiques and accusations, who was wholly beyond hope, who could only cry in despair!” Yeah i didnt need that in the middle of all this

“He could only whimper in pain, ‘Please. Let me go.’” Im really going through it

They all died in such horrific ways

Thank goodness thats over!!!!

Chapter 42

Wwx really implied that xy killed Chang Ping as revenge for xxc huh....wow no

Even in death, A-Qing is brave. Thank you for your contribution in ending that mf

Lwj cuts off xy’s arm when he reaches towards wwx

There was so much blood on the ground that wwx almost slipped in it, gross

Lmao i didnt think lwj would be the one to just toss a pouch to someone but here we are

Wn just squatting on the ground, chillin

Okay yanno what im still confused as hell as to why the juniors were lead to yi city...

God that makes me so angry, Xue Yang keeping the piece of candy for years and holding onto it when he died, like even the idea that he liked xxc and still decided to torture him to death good lord

“Lifting up the hem of his robes, Lan WangJi stepped over the high threshold in an elegant manner, then nodded.”  Wwx just looks at lwj do literally anything and is just like “he’s so elegant 😍 so graceful 🥰 look at my lan zhan, so pretty 🥰😍🥰”

“When he wakes, say I’m sorry, it wasn’t your fault.” Wow....

“He still wore the dark cultivation robes. Standing alone, he carried two swords, Shuanghua and Fuxue, he brought two souls, Xiao XingChen and A-Qing, and walked another path.” Wow.... i wish for you the best, Song Lan

Lsz standing and wondering if xxc and sl would ever meet again....

I agree with jl, death is too light of a punishment for xy

Lmfnck ljy cried the loudest out of everyone sjnckck

The juniors light incense and burning paper money for them 🥺 they’re so sweet

ItS nOt lIkE yOuVE DiEd HoW wOuLd YoU KnOw iF DeaD pEoPle ReCiEve PaPeR MonEY

PLEASE WATCH YOUR MOUTH JINGYI

“How come? Was I really that much of a failure? Was there not a single person who burned paper money for me? Was it really because nobody burned them that I didn’t receive any?” STOOOOOP

“Looking at his calm face, Wei WuXian thought to himself, Really? Had he really not burnt anything?!” Okay i don’t remember if he actually did or not but nonetheless this shit hurted

The hunter was probably the same person who lead them together to yi city with the corpses, BUT WHY THO

Awwww wwx happy to see Lil Apple

Stop teasing jl, wwx, its not nice

Even though the lookout towers are a good idea, and benefit smaller more remote towns, i cant help but wonder if there was some kind of ulterior motive behind them

“Almost all of the dishes were covered in red. Paying attention to Lan WangJi’s chopsticks, he notes that he ate mostly from the milder dishes, rarely the bright-red ones. Even when he did, his expression remained the exact same. Wei WuXian felt something tug at his heart.” uGGgGgGHhHhH 

[jess-oh]

Reflection

why hello there!

it’s been a while. again. i’ve been pretty busy and my trackpad has been acting up lately but i thought it’d be good to journal now. so whats been going on?

i recently skyped with jeanne and lauren and both conversations were satisfying tho i do wish we couldve gone deeper. i bought two organizers on the whim from target yesterday and it has made my life so much easier. adulting is weird but it’s kinda fun. i was able to facetime with my sister today and it was really nice. we both shared and updated each other on our lives and i think we’ve both become a lot more grateful for each other recently, especially with what happened to Robbin. sometimes i wonder how people would react if i died. by killing myself or otherwise. and im also really glad to know that my grandpa is doing a lot better. i dont think hes cancer free but i dont think hes in suffering anymore and thats honestly a huge relief. i wasnt sure if i could handle losing him too. and my sister brought up a good point that even tho it has been financially difficult for our family, God’s timing has always been perfect. when he first lost his job my junior year of high school, it was right before his dad got sick so he was able to take charge and care for him until he ultimately passed. and the time after that, my sister isnt sure what happened or the timing of it. but this time, he was let go the day before the pipes started leaking so he was able to take care of it instead of the weight of everything being on my mom’s shoulders. shes already been so busy with taking care of her parents and balancing work and church and my sister and i being in college so it was really nice that my dad could be there and they could rely on each other instead of my mom being alone in all this. i do feel bad bc i guess my dad’s car recently broke down and im sure just the weight of everything recently has been really heavy for him. like it’s his dad that passed away. it’s his mom with parkinson’s and depression. it’s his nephew that had a heart attack. it’s his sister that was in so much pain. i still remember her cries and wailing screams bc she was just in so much pain over Robbin and it really hurt me to see her like that. it really did. it still hurts me now. it’s him who has been laid off and let go so many times for reasons out of his control. and i do feel really bad for him and want to take the time to chat him more often to make him feel better. he recently became an elder and im really proud of him. and this is definitely a lot to handle and has taken a toll on all of us. but most especially on him. :/ but yeah, talking to my sister is always nice bc she knows what im going through and we can bond over our mutual grief. but i was still upset earlier. not at her. but i was thinking and i think p josh pities me for all of my misfortune. he threw so many compliments at me on thursday and it didnt really sit right. it was almost too much. and i think it’s bc he feels bad for my misfortune but i dont want to be defined by my hardships.  i want to be defined by who i am now and who God calls me to be. not how many things have happened thus far. and maybe that’s partly my fault bc i do think i adopted the victim mentality to some extent in all this but as my sister as shown me, it’s just a part of life. and it’s happening now which is unfortunate but it is and we just have to accept that and move on. i learned so much about Robbin after he passed and he’s inspired me so greatly to become a better person. to be more compassionate and caring and understanding. he really lived life to the fullest. he acted way more Christian than any of us ever did. he did what he loved and was so generous. he really deeply cared about those around him and we never gave him that love back. i wish i pressed deeper with him. who cares if they judge me? who are they to judge me for wanting to create a deeper connection and to be there for them on an emotional level? i think im still upset bc it was one, so sudden, and two, bc i cant help but remember the moments when i couldve spoken up but never did. i just stayed silent and let other people talk instead of inputting my own perspective and i cant help but wonder if things wouldve been different if i did stand up for him. i miss him so much. what if i defended him and actually reached out to him. would he still be alive now? but yeah. i think my grandpa(mom’s side) has really inspired me too. to face death head on. he knows hes getting older and getting closer to death but he has so much trust and faith in the Lord that when he goes, it’ll be the right time. and thats so hard to do in practical terms. if i got hit by a car tomorrow, in my dying moments, would i really be able to just rest in peace, knowing that God chose for me to die at that moment in that circumstance? really? i think ive been getting better at coming to terms with it and in that scenario, i think that i would. but if i was kidnapped and raped and killed, would i feel the same? i would really love to be a martyr for Christ. I really would be. And while I am fine with dying for him, there are times where I still stumble with my faith. There are still some times where I shake in it and I feel ashamed of it. But God is everything that I am and have and I know who He is in my life and should have full confidence in Him but sometimes I do admittedly waver. But I am proud of myself for having gotten so much bolder and more open with my faith. I’ve brought it up to my co-workers and friends and peers and casually mentioned church. Sometimes I’m a little afraid but God always prevails and they always respond well and with interest. And I’m glad to be showing them who God is to me in my life and leading a life by example that will hopefully influence them as well.