#afraid to get back on meds. i want to but antipsychotics are not fun. being a lab rat is not fun

[zarovich]

cant even hide that fact that im doing so poorly. everyone can tell i know it

[ladylovesalot]

Bipolar Journal

For someone with mental illness sometimes it’s therapeutic to keep a journal even if it isn’t a consistent thing, they write in it. During my first manic episode from 2012-2015, I kept a small diary of my thoughts and drew the hallucinations that I would see. When my mother found it I was embarrassed and ashamed of the things that I had written in it. During my manic episode, I was suffering from a condition called hypergraphia which is a compulsive need to write. I would write down any thought that came into my head no matter good, bad, or strange, and further elaborate on why I was feeling the way that I was. After I left the hospital for the first time I immediately threw it away so no one else would find it. The only reason why I kept it even after my mother found it was so that I could better explain to the doctor at the hospital what I was thinking and what I was seeing since I drew everything I hallucinated. 

While there, I was diagnosed with depression and generalized anxiety disorder. Before going to the hospital, I was taking medication for bipolar type 1 since that is what a supervising psychiatrist thought I had. There were many theories as to what I had since symptoms weren’t all lining up under a perfect column; I was hallucinating and couldn’t tell if they were real or not, I was paranoid of everyone around me. So much so I changed my OBGYN doctor because I was convinced she wanted me to kill me. I thought people were following me and when I looked behind me, I would see black shadows quickly disappear into crowds or behind buildings. I was constantly having panic attacks, and would be fueled with energy, and suffered from compulsions that soon affected my day-to-day life, as well as depressive episodes. Before seeing someone that specialized in mental disorders I was telling everything to my therapist who was worried that I had one of three things; bipolar, schizophrenia, or schizoaffective disorder which is a combination of the two. 

Upon leaving the hospital I was put on antipsychotics and anti-anxiety medication. While this helped elevate my mood and somewhat control my panic attacks, it was short-lived. I was soon in the hospital again, this time a private facility where I could get the one-on-one attention I needed rather than one open to the general public. This was four months after being released. It was here I was once again diagnosed with bipolar type 1 and generalized anxiety. Four years later in 2019, I had yet another manic episode which was shorter since I knew what was wrong and tried to take action to get it under control before it got worse as well as loving family and friends that could visibly see something was not right. Bipolar is different for everyone. Some can go months and sometimes years without having a manic episode. I was blessed enough to be one that went years. 

Even though the entries begin on September 17, I was experiencing the symptoms about a week or two prior and then decided to document it to look for contingencies between this one and my first. It helped as well to have a “friend” that I could write everything out with and “talk” to without feeling judged or afraid. 

Some of it is disturbing and can be triggering for those that have a mental illness. Going back and typing this out, I felt myself beginning to fall back into my old way of thinking and had to take a break for a bit. 

Names and places have been changed to respect the privacy of those involved. The entries are the same as in the journal to show what I dealt with. Because of this, some grammar and punctuation will not be correct. “People” other than me talking will be addressed as “B”.

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September 17, 2019

It’s been a while and I was determined to write something every day even if it was something small. I haven’t. I’m a complete failure. I fucking hate myself. I’ll feel fine one minute then want to fucking scream the next. What’s wrong with me??? I can’t fucking take this anymore! I don’t want to be around anyone. Not even Justin. I love him so much but I hate myself and just need to be left alone. I don’t want to be a burden. What the fuck do I do?! I have nothing to be complaining about. Should I call Dr. Harriet again? I can’t afford her. If I call Noel I don’t know what he’d do but I wouldn’t like it. I want to die I want to die. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I’m nothing I’m worthless I’m nothing I’m worthless. Why can’t I just be happy? I have no reason not to. I just need to buy stuff then I’ll be happy. Fuck everyone. I just want to be happy. Fuck them fuck them fuck them. I want my head not to be so fuzzy. I need to rip it all out. I’m so fucking ugly it’ll be good. Fuck fuck fuck fuck I suck aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Fuck them all!

 Why won’t these thoughts leave me alone????? I NEED THEM OUT! I don’t think the voices are coming back but I need to do it. Then I’ll be happy and I just want to be happy. When I’ve cut myself by accident it didn’t even hurt. Will it still not hurt? I can try and see what happens. I’ll take the pills tomorrow and then see if it hurts. I don’t want to go in. I need to be alone. I can’t fucking do this. I’ll call Ned maybe he’ll know. Maybe Cassie. I miss her. Fuck her for leaving. Fuck Ruby for leaving. Fuck Cheryl for leaving. All my friends are fucking leaving me. What do I do? I have no friends. I’m a loser. 

You’re a fucking loser You’re a fucking loser you’re a fucking loser you’re a fucking loser. 

He better not come out. I need to be alone. How can I be alone? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

September 18, 2019 

I feel a bit better today. I just want to be left alone today. I really don’t want to go to work. I just want to be alone all day. I want everyone to go away and just leave me alone. What do I do?

September 19, 2019

Maureen is mad at me. I don’t understand why Aaron can’t have sugar. I can’t change everything around him. I’m nothing but a fuck up. Why would anyone hire me?? Why would anyone want to take me on as an apprentice? I suck. I’m worthless. I bet it’s a mistake even trying to design my own tattoo. People will-

September 20, 2019, AM

I want to pull my head apart. There is something in there. I’m trying to act as normal as possible for Justin’s sake but the will is beginning to go away. I have no one to talk to. Dr. Ned isn’t calling. Even though I do the stuff the cotton is in me but it doesn’t me as much I need to do something. No one understands what I’m going through. Should I call Harriet? I don’t see her anymore so she might not talk to me. I need to rip my hair off! What do I do?? I need someone to tell me what to do. What would the voices say? I need them to help me.

September 20, 2019, PM

How am I supposed to help myself? I cant tell Justin the truth. He’ll want to leave me. I don’t want to go to the wedding tomorrow. I need help. Why won’t Ned call back??? I called him two fuckling days in a row! 

All the little boys and all the little girls won’t get out of my head.

 I’m a worthless piece of shit. I’m nothing I’m nothing you’re nothing and everyone hates you! 

Why does everyone hate me? 

(B) Because you annoy the fuck out of them. You don’t even have friends within the group. They feel sorry for you and only talk to you because ofJustin. You’re useless. You won’t amount to anything you piece of shit. 

Help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me someone help me, please. Everyone sucks. No one loves me. People only feel sorry for me. 

(B) You suck so much. You’re nothing.

 I need help. Someone come help me. I’m nothing I’m nothing. 

(B) You hate yourself. 

Someone help me someone help me please Justin help. Justin help me, please. Why does no one care about me?

September 21, 2019

If I see those lines there it would be so perfect. I would finally be happy. Justin doesn’t understand. I love him so much but he just doesn’t. I want to tell him everything but that’ll scare him. I can’t do it. I can’t trust anyone. Maybe Ned and maybe mom because mom knows what to do. I don’t feel anything. 

(B) You suck Shannon. No one loves you. 

Who else is there? I don’t know what’s going on anymore. Fuck fuck fuck. I don’t even want to kill myself. I think I just want to be gone. I don’t want to go back to Intercare. I can’t right now. I need to be more self-reliant. I can’t depend on everyone else. I can’t depend on the meds. No one can help me. Why?? I��m useless. 

(B) You’re useless. No one likes you. How can someone ever love you? They’re all lying. All of them are fucking liars. 

They don’t love me. Help help help help help help help help help me someone, anyone. I can’t do this. Why was that woman so mean? 

(B) She thinks you’re crazy. That’s why. 

Do I want to be gone? I want to cut. I have to cut. I need to feel it. I’m going to do it. I need to do it. It’s there it’s there. It’s telling me to. Justin wants to leave me. I know he does. 

(B) You’re worthless.

 I don’t know if I’m hearing the voices or not, why is this happening? I know something’s wrong but I don’t know what. I NEED TO DO IT!! Even if it’s with a pen it’ll be okay. 

(B) You can do it. You just need to get Justin distracted then you can do it. I believe in you. You just need to believe in yourself. You don’t need to ask permission. Just do it. You’ll be so happy. Or you can be a miserable coward because that’s what you are. A fake to everyone. Everyone thinks you’re okay now but you’re not.

September 22, 2019

I felt numb today. Last night was so much fun then the weed helped and now I’m going crazy again. I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to cut.

(B) It’s there. You need to find the knives then you’ll be good at at least figuring things out. You need to do it tomorrow after work. You’re a clever girl so think like him. You can do it. I believe in you.

 I want to do it but I shouldn’t but the desire is so strong I need to. I’ll go crazy. 

(B) You stupid piece of shit, then find them. You heard clanging. There are only three places they can be; kitchen, bathroom, office. Check above the fridge first. You’re afraid of heights but overcome it to get what you need.

 I need those knives and scissors. Anything at this point. 

(B) You can do it. He sleeps like the dead. Go out tonight to find them. Maybe use the nail clippers at the very least. You’re doing a great job with how you’re feeling. They can only be in three- a couple- of places; living room, kitchen, office. You need to look above the sink, you fucking idiot. He knows how you are. But you need to cut. You'll feel so much better.

September 23, 2019

(B) Good job Shannon! You did it! You pushed through it and now everything is perfect. Fuck Maureen. You need to make her life miserable. She’s a fucking bitch that needs to die. She should not be texting you angry about this. I know you’re getting sleepy now. But push through it. You deserve the beer. And the vape. If you can handle it take some more-

September 30, 2019 

Today was amazing. The razor doesn’t even hurt at first and then the blood comes then you see the line. The lines are so beautiful. You were right. All I needed to do was try. But now I need to hide it. He’ll see and get mad. I don’t want him mad. I don’t want him to send me away. I love him so much. So fucking much.

October 3, 2019

(B) Finally, you’re back again.

 I tried to do it yesterday but couldn’t muster up anything to write. I want to see the blood again but also know it’s bad. 

(B) But that’s never stopped you before?

 I know but I’m so torn. What should I do? 

(B) You should also do...but not? Don’t do it. DON’T. DO. IT. Do you want to go back to the hospital? You joke that they have good food but we know you hate it. Except for one time your biggest concern was when you could leave. Do you want to disappoint everybody? Be a disappointment to your students. The fact that you’re writing shows you want to.

 I want to but can’t. I need you all to stop. One at a time. It’s okay to write but not talk. What if someone reads this?

(B) They’ll think you’re more insane than you already are.

October 24, 2019

Looking back on the entries I realize how everything was spiraling out of control. So much has happened since then both good and bad. I got fired from Joyous Praise because of a text I sent Terry during my manic episode. When the pastor asked if I’ve ever had thoughts or wants to hurt a child I of course said no and would never even think of doing that. When he said-

October 31, 2019

Today I’ll be going to get my things that I bought for my classroom from the pastoral office. Terry was supposed to return a shirt I let her borrow and for two days she said she’d bring it but I think she’s afraid of me. I’m 99% sure she knows I know she sent in the text. On the night she was going to bring it I told her Edward and I were going out but I was going to leave the porch light on and she could toss it over the patio. She picked me up every day and knew the apartment number I lived in and that it was on the first floor. An hour later I got a text telling me Sherry was going to be giving me the shirt. Then earlier this week I get a call from Sherry telling me they were going to mail my things to me which I didn’t understand why since I live less than 10 minutes away from the church. I told her I’d come by today to get everything. When I called yesterday to tell her I was coming by at 2:00 pm she didn’t answer so I left a message telling her the time and the things I was coming to get. I’m really hoping there’s everything there. She never returned my call. Her and pastor Allen haven’t returned any of my texts or the email I sent. I feel as if they purposelessly avoiding me. I haven’t gotten a paycheck either like they said I would. l am hoping that comes in soon. Hopefully, I’ll have that answered and all my things by this afternoon.

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Mental illness is something that is still stigmatized in our community. Throughout the years, views on it haven’t changed. The only difference between now and the past is that people aren’t thought to be possessed by the devil or witches. Of course in some places of the world, they are still thought to be. When someone comes to you asking for help then listen. If you ask someone how they’re doing and you don’t get socially acceptable “I’m good” then listen to them. You might be very well saving a life or even encourage someone to get the help that they need.

[hunterwildes]

[ danielle campbell ] - have you seen hunter wildes, the twenty-one year old witch? from what i’ve heard they appear to be twenty-one years old and identify as cisfemale. they prefer she/her for pronouns and are known as the halcyon. people say they’re sincere, ardent, yet brittle & analytical, so i guess that explains it. apparently, their two special abilities are fire control and clairvoyance. 

hello hi i’m bay (again) and this is my SWEET child hunter!! i’ll write a real bio later but for now..... a basic rundown!!! - TW!!!! brief mention of death and just in case... got some talk of depression/anxiety in there too-

so the basic background....

hunter renoir-wildes is the name, born in beautiful beaufort, south carolina. she, her mama, her dad, and her brother (madison) lived a fairly wonderful life!! they had a cute lil house on a cute lil street and a couple’a cute lil dogs. most importantly: they were happy. 

when hunter was six she was pulled out of school a little bit early along with madison and was given some bad news. she was too young to understand it all at the time, but her mother had suddenly passed away. the coroner ruled it a homicide and suddenly her life was no longer crayons at school and ballet classes on saturday mornings. unfortunately, the case went cold, and when it did their dad packed them into their car and moved to start over.

new orleans, louisiana was now home, and things started to feel normal again. the three of them lived with her father’s parents and though they weren’t necessarily wealthy, they were comfortable. still, hunter never wanted for anything because she never craved anything material but rather wanted to experience things.

growing up, on the surface level, she seemed cookie cutter perfect. she was a bright student, creative and innovative, and she was painfully kind. for the most part, she kept to herself, but she did have a tight knit group of friends that always brought out her ‘fun’ side. people genuinely liked hunter, and no one knew about her family’s spotty past. she kept herself busy, throwing herself into nearly everything: good grades, cheerleading, dance, student council, volunteer work, a part time job at a book store. you name it. she was even homecoming queen, just like her mother had been. pretty much a college recruiter’s wet dream, if we’re being honest here.

underneath the pretty smile and clever mind loomed something darker. since her mother passed, she’d had horrific night terrors of flames swallowing her entire body and far off, hidden places that weren’t exactly pleasant. sometimes daydreaming got out of hand and she saw things that couldn’t be explained rationally. her anxiety grew increasingly terrible, and every now and again she got intense panic attacks or even had fainting spells. trips to psychiatrists and CAT scans with neurologists didn’t help, and while the fainting and night terrors subsided slightly with age and meds brought the anxiety and panic attacks to bay-- the visions were still there. eventually, hunter gave up on herself and decided to lie to her family about antipsychotics working. as far as they knew, she was back to being ‘normal’.

shortly after she graduated high school, just before leaving for college, tragedy struck the renoir-wildes household in the form of a house fire. hunter woke to flames engulfing her entire room and didn’t react at first, thinking it was just another night terror. then the panic set in. she realized that as her panicking got worse, the flames got higher, but when she was calmer, they seemed to dwindle down and move out of her way. she took a deep breath, closed her eyes for a moment, then walked out of the house unscathed. immediately after exiting she collapsed again, waking up in a hospital bed hours later with no burns, just a concussion.

needless to say she was fucking SHOOK UP about this. she tried and tried and tried to find answers but didn’t find anything until a month later when staying with her other grandparents-- her mother’s parents-- in salem, mas. she found old photos of her mother in their attic along with detailed journals and,... a spell book. the universe seemed to flip upside down and she nearly couldn’t handle it when her grandma wildes sat her down and told her about their magical bloodline.

finding this new power and new connection to her mom was terrifying and thrilling, and she took a chance and moved to halloweentown when she was 19 to immerse herself in the life she missed out on. and so far she feels incredibly at home. while she feels like she found her place, she still feels like she hasn’t quite found herself. so she’s been struggling with a lack of identity and guilt a lot lately, seeing as the source of their house fire was never truly found and she had a new found ability to manipulate flames.

okay that’s... .a lot here’s a few fun facts tho!!!

has two dogs named atlas and apollo, both fluffy lil things that she basically treats like her children.

is very curious... loves learning and prefers print media to new media tbh she’s kind of an old soul,. loves her books!!

used to visit her grandparents in salem every summer but only in the summer as her dad didn’t exactly like her spending time with them.

her brother madison rly doesn’t come home anymore which kinda hurts her feelings but... she gets it

she’s incredibly kind, but she’s also incredibly honest. like she’s not afraid to be like “you’re kinda being rude and i don’t really want to talk to you anymore”

she has a great passion for life like literally just wants to travel the world and see things and experience things worthy of writing a novel about

analytical & brittle - she overthinks just about EVERYTHING and is honestly kinda sensitive. like she’ll keep a tough face in public but behind closed doors she’ll think about that one insult for like three months

needs to work on not letting people walk all over her

uhhh! yeah i think that is it@!!!

okay!! hmu for plotting!!! and friendship!! please~!!! love u all already 

[wclfscng-blog]

guess....who has no impulse control and picked up another character.............its me. anyway here’s some info about my new boi !!

his team doesn’t know exactly how old he is but they estimate he’s 17 now, and was around 13-14 when they first found him.

he’s been rehabilitated for the past few years with varying levels of success....it’s not perfect and he has a lot of lifelong limitations due to underdevelopment but... he’s trying.

he has a therapy dog he’s allowed to see when he gets overwhelmed and/or stressed. it’s a great pyrenees named casey and it’s probably his only friend.

he tried to name this dog "dog" bc he doesn't really seem.......to get the point of names.

doesn't remember his own name half the time because of that.

he’s been taught more with american sign language than anything else because his language skills are stunted and it’s hard for him to talk without getting frustrated and trying to bite something and/or someone.

was diagnosed with ednos...........he has a lot of trouble eating the things they give him because they’re not what he wants/is used to, so he’s a little malnourished. he may or may not end up eating things he’s not supposed to instead.

also TENTATIVELY diagnosed with a delusional disorder because he has periods of complete delusion about being physically nonhuman but they’re not entirely sure about it, just because his situation is so strange.

either way hes on some heavy meds to combat this (antipsychotics, mostly) so he's always exhausted because of the side effects.

he’s 6′4″ have fun with that.

definitely likes dogs more than people? he didn't know they existed before he was saved and it was the first thing  he was happy about in his entire life.

does not ever wear shoes because his tendons didn’t quite develop properly in his legs and it’s extremely uncomfortable for him to walk flat-footed and the extra noise freaks him out so he just wears socks everywhere instead. he has a note allowing this.

dissociates a lot to deal with his problems. did I say deal with his problems? I meant run away. as one does.

probably spends too much time in the woods because he wishes he could go back there, and definitely skips class to do so.

he’s genuinely afraid of doing math. nobody really knows why, he just is.

for now they’re giving him a pass on this, and so he has a psychiatrist note to let him sit out of any math classes he’s enrolled in, if any.