#again i'm sorry fjajfja

[codex-lupusnocte]

So it's almost 4am and I still can't sleep so I guess I'll write out the stuff I'm thinking because why not. Now everyone can see how much of a sad bastard I am lmao (I apologise in advance, I swear I'm usually not this... dense? but night does strange things to my mind I guess).

So I was thinking about how people usually have a bunch of people they frequently talk to. Like, even if it's not one person they talk to everyday. Some do that, others like talk to some people one day and the next to others and so on. But I literally don't talk to anyone. Like, literally. I spend most of the time in my room, on my computer, and barely ever I chat with anyone. When I do it's like... an event lmao.

The group of people I usually hang around with at school, they have like... other friends (though, admittedly, I don't really consider them my friends per se, even if I'm fine being around them), which is normal I know but it's so foreign to me. Like, they talk about what a friend of other school told them or a friend from other faculty or even a damn neighbor. In school, I exclusively hang out with them (I have to talk to other people, specially in the classes I don't share with any of them, but it's like... purely and strictly related to said classes).

I'm in a group chat with them, and evidently it's not only for conversations about school. I sometimes participate in said conversations, granted, but it's rather rare. Apart from that? Nothing. I don't have anyone I talk to in a regular basis, not even from time to time. Heck, I even have a hard time replying to my mother and my sisters (I may reply to them after literal months). There's even this guy... He was on the same highschool as I, and we ended up hanging around together. I was fine with his company and, tbh, we had stuff in common so it was cool. But then it was too much for me. Everyday contact wore me off, he started appearing everywhere and ended up telling me he had a crush on me. Then I just basically disappeared, lmao. I just avoided him without giving an actual explanation (which I still feel guilty about). He still sometimes send me messages (which I don't mind, we actually have conversations sometimes... when I bother to reply, which is once every half a year basically lmao). And I feel bad because I barely ever reply. It's not even personal, I just... don't have the energy. I dunno how to explain.

So yeah. I complain about having no friends but I almost never bother to reply back to the people that make the effort to try and start a conversation. And I pretty much never try and interact with someone else by myself. I mean, be the first to send a message to someone or stuff like that. Lately, I've been trying to get a bit more social and sometimes I participate in the general chat of a certain game, which has led to a couple of DMs. One person I ended up talking about music, but the conversation literally died after like 10 messages, which leads me to...

I'm so incredibly lost when it comes to conversations. What's appropriate, what's expected of me to do/say, what to talk about if a subject dies out, what I'm supposed to do. Like, should I send another message? Was this just a one time thing? If someone tells me to talk through another app or something, am I expected to send the first message? Should I be more... proactive (?)? Or am I just being annoying/pushy? I literally have NO CLUE. I do not understand social stuff at all and it's so hard to me. Add to the mix that I have a hard time identifying sarcasm and jokes and I'm just doomed.