#also i've been thinking of compiling npd-specific coping skills in a pdf file or something

[kindnessoverperfection]

really wild how helpful it is to just... be open with myself about vulnerable feelings

had anxiety paralysis yesterday. i've never been one to experience anxiety- maybe this sounds weird, but i prided myself on not having it. before covid gave me depression, i prided myself on not having that too. (like i wasnt ableist to ppl who did, it was just... internalized stuff from a different alter's trauma)

i wonder how many of my NPD symptoms come up to try and hide thoughts/feelings i see as "weak" or "unlikable". i'm so used to motivating myself out of harsh self-beliefs ("if you can't do this one simple thing you're [insert mean shit here]") or supply ("look at me, i'm so capable and perfect, i never struggle, i'm so good at everything, you'll stop hating me now right")

I've been doing my best for a while now to stop motivating myself that way. And recently I've been putting effort into noticing and acknowledging underlying emotional responses.

So... even though it was a bit harder, and took longer, I put in the effort to treat myself with kindness. Used stress-relief and anxiety-management skills, and gentle self-talk.

And it was worth it. Because yeah self-criticism may be ""effective"" in the short-term, it's utterly destroyed my quality of life. This is better.