#also there's a year-round indoor farmers market coop??? right There???

[publicuniversalenemy]

am i perhaps THEE luckiest guy inthe world? sources point to Yes

[livingcorner]

12+ Ways to Make $1000 a Month from Your Garden (Year Round!)

They say when you do what you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.  Well, I love my garden and given a choice I’d be out there amongst my garden beds day and night.  There’s a big difference between gardening and farming though, and while I love my garden I’m not cut out for the life of a farmer. 

While bringing in a full-time gardening income is a bit tricky, making a side income from your garden is easier than you’d think.

You're reading: 12+ Ways to Make $1000 a Month from Your Garden (Year Round!)

Most people see gardening as a seasonal endeavor, that starts in the spring and ends in the fall, coming and going each year.  Up here in Vermont, our summer growing season is only a sad 100 days or so, and if I confined my efforts to those short months it wouldn’t make for much of a side hustle.  I think it’s important to find a way to earn a consistent side income, so I’m providing options for every month of the year (even in a cold climate like ours).

Beyond that, our land is mostly forested, which means the definition of “garden” is a bit loose.  We grow mushrooms in the shady spots and tap maple trees in season.  We also forage the wild bounty that nature’s garden has provided, meaning that we don’t have to limit our “gardening” to a small tilled section of the yard. 

Even if you’re lacking space in a small suburban lot, expanding outside of the traditional garden into local parks, or taking your garden indoors with salad sprouts, closet mushrooms, and seedling trays will allow you to make use of the space you have year-round.

Here are a few options to earn a substantial side income from your garden every season of the year, with ideas for both city and country folk. 

(Be sure to check local laws and restrictions before you start with anything, as those vary widely from place to place.)

Winter Garden Income

While you’d think winter would be the slow season for backyard garden income, believe it or not, it’s actually the best time for making money from your garden.  You’re generally less busy with planting and weeding, but everyone is stuck inside dreaming of the garden bounty to come.  

Indoor Salad Gardening

January is when everyone’s making new years resolutions to live healthier and eat more salads, but it’s a pretty rough time for gardening in most places.  If right around the end of the year you plan ahead with an indoor salad gardening setup, you’ll be in the perfect position to market microgreens and sprouts when they’re in high demand.

Local farms around here sell winter micro greens CSA’s and unlike summer shares where they net less than a dollar on a head of lettuce, winter greens command high prices.  A small bag of specialty microgreens runs $12 to 15 each.  And I really mean a small bag, maybe 3 cups of at most.

The trick is to grow high-quality, specialty greens that get people excited when the grocery store options are minimal.  The book Year Round Indoor Salad Gardening is a great resource to get started, and covers all you’d need to know to grow your own greens.  At that point, the problem is scaling up and marketing.  

Start a Small Backyard Seed Company

You may think you need to be some kind of multi-national to sell seeds, but in reality, customers are looking toward sustainably grown seed for specialty heirloom varieties these days.  It doesn’t get much more sustainable than a backyard garden, and buying seed locally ensures that you’ll get varieties perfectly suited to a particular growing region.

Choosing the right crops is key to generating a good income selling seeds.  Tomato seed, for example, is very easy to save and a single tomato often has enough seed to supply a dozen seed packets.  The flowers are self-contained, and it actually takes work for plant breeders to hybridize a variety, which means they’ll come true to variety even with many different types grown in the same garden. 

Most importantly, people get really excited about tomatoes.  Ever wonder why 1/3 of any seed catalog seems to be tomato seed?  With all that love for tomatoes, customers are liable to drop $5 for a locally grown packet of seeds for a really great variety.

While tomatoes are really easy, there are many varieties that aren’t much harder.  You need to know a bit about seed saving, not only harvesting and cleaning the seed, but about how pollination and selection works by variety.  Some varieties require a minimum population size to avoid inbreeding in the long term, and all that’s important to know before you get started. 

Seed to Seed is generally recognized as the most encyclopedic book on seed saving, covering just about every variety you can imagine.  It has great breadth to get you started, but not a whole lot of depth.

The Seed Garden is hands down my favorite seed saving book.  It’s well written and covers varieties in great depth.  It’s authored by The Seed Savers Exchange which does great work in the field of preserving heirloom varieties.

The Complete Guide to Seed Saving has a lot of stellar reviews, and it’s the next one I’m going to add to my gardening library.

Even in a small town environment here in Rural Vermont, there are about a dozen local seed companies.  High Mowing Seed started out really small just down the road from us, and now they’re a big national brand.  Milkweed Medicinals sells specialty seed that’s hard to find, and they now sell in all the local coops. 

Find your niche and there’s a great income to be made with homegrown seed.

Selling Cuttings

Even easier than saving seed, selling cuttings is an easy way to make a healthy income from your established plants in the winter months.  There are a number of varieties, like grapes for example, that need to be cut back or pruned in the winter.  Those cuttings are perfect for starting new plants and many gardeners are willing to pay good money for tiny pieces of your established crops.

I just bought 30 elderberry cuttings from Norms Farms at $4 each to propagate at home.  Elderberries grow readily from cuttings, and it’s an economical way for me to get a huge bed of them started.  Elderberry plants from a nursery cost about $30 each, so I’m happy with the transaction and the seller just made $120 off a tiny box of trimmings.

There are a number of plants that grow well from hardwood cuttings, some like black currants, are as simple as snipping off a tip and sticking it into the ground.  Others require a bit more attention and prep work to the cuttings, but they’re still beginner level.

Scion wood, or cuttings from apple trees to be grafted onto rootstock, is similarly lucrative.  All you need is a couple of established apple trees of known varieties and you can harvest cuttings for sale. 

Usually, each cutting is only a few inches long, so shipping them isn’t a big issue.  There’s a marketplace on the seed savers exchange website, and a scion wood cutting sells for about $4 each.

Start by learning a thing or two about plant propagation, first so that you can establish your own cutting beds, and then so you can educate customers on how easy it is to grow plants from cuttings.  Try reading Practical Woody Plant Propagation for Nursery Growers to get you started.

Read more: Why Does My Garden Hose Keep Bursting? | GardenAxis.com

A handful of elderberry cuttings that sell for $4 each.

Growing Mushrooms Indoors

Learning to grow mushrooms is a bit different than most standard garden crops, so this one will take some studying for even seasoned gardeners.  Still, there’s the potential to grow large crops from a small indoor space year-round.

The book Organic Mushroom Farming and Mycoremediation describes in detail how to set up a back closet, extra nook or spare bathroom to grow mushrooms with minimal time investment (2 hours a week). 

He has a great breakdown of costs, inputs, and yields…but in summary, you can make about $100 per week from a small setup that takes up a 4’x4′ footprint.  The system scales easily, with minimal extra time investment, meaning you only need slightly more space to increase that to a grand per month.

The best part, they can grow in recycled 5-gallon buckets picked up from restaurants, and they consume waste products like spent coffee grounds, that you can often pick up for free.

If you have access to outdoor space and hardwood logs, growing shiitake mushrooms is also a great place to start for beginners, but outdoors, harvests would be in the warmer months rather than winter.

I don’t know about you, but when I had an office job my co-workers would have loved to buy fresh mushrooms to take home for a fancy Friday night meal.

  Spring Garden Income

Spring is when everyone’s mind is dead set on their own gardens, and it’s a great time to capitalize on the surge in interest in all things green.

Selling Dandelions (and other wild weeds)

While countless suburbanites are spraying their lawns trying to eradicate the dandelions, more savvy gardeners are realizing that one person’s weed is another’s delicacy.  Dandelions are edible root to shoot, and better yet, they’re also highly medicinal. 

Dandelion root tincture sells for about $12 per ounce, and it only takes a root or two per ounce.  The spring greens are highly sought after by local food coops, where they sell for $4-5 per bundle.  Not bad for a pile of weeds.

Beyond dandelions, there’s all manner of early spring green “weeds” that can command high prices if you know how to identify, harvest and process them.  Chickweed is incredibly invasive, but also delicious, and chickweed tincture has plenty of medicinal uses too.  

There’s nothing like making a bit of side income from weeding your garden early in the spring.  You’ve got to do it anyway, might as well make it pay.

Dandelion roots harvested for homemade tincture.

Growing Spring Ephemerals

An ephemeral is a crop that has a very short season, and it may only be around for a few weeks before the plants go dormant (or unharvestable) for a full year.  Ramps, or wild leeks, are a slow-growing ephemeral that’s only around for a few weeks in the spring, but during that time they’re in high demand by both home cooks and fancy chefs.  Knowing where to find a good wild patch is hard, but they’re actually remarkably easy to naturalize in your own backyard.

Growing ramps from seeds just requires the right conditions.  Moist soil, under the shade of deciduous trees.  The more leaf cover the better. 

You’re not growing anything else in that much shade, so growing your own ramps is a great way to earn top dollar from an otherwise unproductive patch of land.  This is a long-term venture though, as leeks are slow-growing, and they’ll require about 5-7 years before your first harvest, but after that, a well-tended and sustainably harvested patch can last indefinitely.

Fiddleheads are another crop that’s generally wild foraged, but it’s remarkably easy to cultivate.  They can actually be pretty invasive, and I spent a long time weeding them out of my garden so I could grow anything else.  I just dug them up and tossed them into a heap, and they kept on growing and spreading from there as if nothing happened. 

Fiddleheads can be really productive, and they sell for about $20 a pound here in Vermont where they’re common.  You might get even better prices somewhere they’re more scarce.

Since they’re productive, fern heads can be pickled to extend their season, so you can market the bumper crop a bit longer.

My daughter holding a harvest of fiddleheads and ramps.

Selling Spring Seedlings

Selling spring veggie seedlings is an obvious choice.  Tomato seeds cost about a tenth of a cent each, but a healthy started plant can easily sell for $5.  Sure, there’s the cost for potting soil and pots, but the profit margin is still huge on seedling sales. 

The trick is, you’re investing your time and energy into starting plants off right, so others don’t have to.  This is one of the most lucrative ways to make money from your garden if you invest in the right equipment and can master the process. 

A greenhouse, even a small backyard model, is essential for producing seedlings early enough in the season.  As for resources to get you started, The New Seed Starter’s Handbook covers everything in detail, including troubleshooting guides if your plants aren’t performing.

Beyond the income from selling seedlings, you’ll also save a boatload by starting your own seeds instead of purchasing starts.  That’s one of those penny saved is a penny earned propositions, and any seedlings you don’t sell can just go right into your own garden.

Take a look at the local market this spring, and see if there are any gaps.  Do all the tomato seedlings sell out quickly, or is the market flooded?  If there’s plenty of other vendors, consider growing something niche like medicinal herbs.

Start a Backyard Nursery

Similar to growing out your own veggie seedlings, starting your own backyard nursery extends the income beyond the busy spring season.  If you’re growing perennials, you don’t have to worry about any unsold plants at the end of the year.  Just tuck them in for the winter and try to sell them next year.

Propagating plants from cuttings is remarkably easy, and all it takes is a bit of time and patience.  Those elderberry cuttings that sold for $4 each (above) as trimmings will sell for $25 to $30 as full-sized potted bushes in a few years.  Just the patience, time and space required to grow out the plants pays back in dividends later. 

This is actually a big part of our retirement plan, and we’re putting in perennials throughout our land to serve as cutting sources later when we open our nursery.  In the meantime, they’re beautiful, and most are edibles like elderberries, so we’re harvesting the fruit for our table while we patiently bide our time to retirement.

Backyard plant nurseries don’t require that much space, as potted plants can be stored fairly close together.

Summer Garden Income

Summer is peak growing season and it’s a great time to earn income from what you’re growing at home.  The big farms and CSA operations have the lettuce market cornered, but backyard gardeners can break into the market by offering really novel crops.  Start by focusing on high-dollar items and unique crops that get people’s attention.

High Dollar Specialty Crops

You’re never going to compete with the 100 acre organic CSA down the road on most generic crops, but those big operations cant grow everything.  They can grow a lot of the staples most families use every day, but backyard gardeners can grow small amounts of truly specialty crops that demand high prices.  Here are a few good options:

Husk Cherries – Also known as ground cherries, these plants produce huge crops of sweet pineapple/strawberry flavored fruit.  They grow on plants similar to tomatoes, and each bright orange fruit is wrapped in a papery husk.  Just one taste and you’ll want more. 

Before we were growing our own, I’d buy them for $5 a pint…now I know that each plant can produce more than a gallon of fruit even with neglect.  If you hand out samples, these will sell themselves.  It also helps if you give people creative ways to use them.

Cucamelons – Also known as mouse melons, these tiny little grape-sized cucumbers taste like a cross between a cucumber and lime.  They’re really wonderful fresh out of hand, and they make great pickles or mixed drinks.  The cuteness factor means that these sell for about $5 per half-pint.

Berry Pick Your Own

To complement our backyard nursery retirement plans, we’re also planning a pick your own operation.  This requires more space than most of the other ideas on this list, but after the initial setup, labor is pretty minimal. 

A while back I calculated the rate of return on a raspberry pick your own, and you’d need about 250-row feet to produce $1000 worth of raspberries.  For us on 30 acres, that’s a drop in the bucket, but that may be more space than you can devote to any one crop.

Strawberries are similar, in that a plant generally yields about a pound of fruit in a season, and requires 1-row foot.  At $4 per pound, you’d need the same amount of row feet as raspberries.  The benefit there is, strawberry rows are much more closely spaced so this may be more practical for some.

  Read more: 37 Garden Border Ideas To Dress Up Your Landscape Edging

Garden Tours, Tea Times & Classes

Though it’s not my cup of tea, garden tours and country tea times are a good option for flower gardeners.  A local nurseryman around here makes a good side income hosting tea time in his home garden, and runs an annual tour of his extensive plantings, along with specialty days for big blooms (like daffodils).  Our gardens are more down-to-earth and “homestead” than they are attractive, but many people’s are just the opposite.

All it takes is a few tables, a decent scone recipe, and a few good teapots, and you’re ready to run a weekly afternoon tea time in the garden.  Add in tours and maybe a few gardening classes and you’ve got yourself a ready source of income from your own beautiful backyard.

Medicinal Herbs

With the increasing demand for more alternative remedies, there’s never been a better time to grow medicine in your backyard.  Locally grown herbs are still hard to find in most areas, but plenty of people are looking for them.

Many medicinal herbs are perennials, which means you plant them once and you can harvest them for years.  And the same compounds that make the plants medicinal also make them resistant to deer and insects, which means less maintenance than garden veggies.  For the most part, they’re perennial, persistent and more importantly…profitable.

There’s a high demand for medicinal tinctures since they’re ready to use, and our local coop has half an aisle dedicated to them.  Tinctures sell for $8 to $12 an ounce, but they only cost about $1 to $2 an ounce, even if you’re buying in the herbs rather than growing them. 

Add in another $1 for the tincture bottle, and you’re still making a pretty sizable profit per bottle.  Choosing crops that are common and in high demand, like echinacea tincture can help you break into the market.

As you’re just getting started, I’d recommend Backyard Medicine as a way to dip your toe into harvesting and making your own herbal remedies, especially from wild crops.  If you’re considering growing herbs for profit I’d highly recommend The Organic Medicinal Herb Farmer: The Ultimate Guide to Producing High-Quality Herbs on a Market Scale.  It’s written by farmers that grow just a few towns over from us, and they’ve inspired a lot of people to take up growing medicine for the market.

The Herbal Academy of New England also has a course designed specifically for herbal entrepreneurs.  The course walks you through the basics of creating your own brand identity, marketing, sourcing herbal ingredients, manufacturing herbal remedies and creating a business plan around herbs and herbal remedies.

Fall Garden Income

The end of the garden season, fall is generally when the crops come in.  In my mind though, it’s one of the more challenging times to make income as a small producer. 

There are a lot of products on the market,  and it’s hard to stand out.  With the holidays right around the corner though, marketing yourself as a niche producer of really unique homegrown gifts can work to your advantage.

Honey & Bee Products

Gardeners need bees and bees need gardeners!  Raising honey bees is a great way to support pollinator communities, but with all the challenges that face hives these days, it’s best to be educated before you start.  There’s a really great book called Natural Beekeeping: Organic Approaches to Modern Apiculture that covers just about everything you need to know to keep your bees healthy naturally.

In a good year, with our short Vermont growing seasons, bees can produce as much as 100lbs of honey for harvest.  The current bulk price at our coop, meaning bring your own container nothing fancy…is $7 per pound.  Pre-packaged just in mason jars, honey goes for $10-12 per pound, and considerably more in specialty gift packaging.

Add in things like bee pollen or propolis for medicinal use, or comb honey, and you have yet more high-dollar items to market.

Honey, especially locally sustainably raised honey is in high demand just about everywhere.  People are realizing that bees are important to our environment, and many will be happy to pay for local honey just knowing that it means supporting someone who is stewarding such an important resource in their neighborhood.

Apples, Cider and Cider Press Rentals

My doctor has a small apple share side hustle that she runs with her sister, selling harvest shares to neighbors in her spare time.  They have a few full-sized apple trees, and each one produces around 100 to 120 pounds of apples per year.  These days, conventionally grown supermarket apples are about $3 per pound…and locally grown apples fetch a premium above that.

She sells shares ahead of time and then divides the harvest as each tree comes to bear.  Distributing them to shareholders every week or two as each variety ripens over the season.

We have other neighbors who sell fresh cider that they press from their trees, at $12 per gallon.  Last year we pressed nearly 80 gallons from our trees, most of which went into hard cider and homemade cider syrup (like maple syrup), but we easily could have sold it instead.  Instead of selling our cider, we have a different strategy for earning our income during apple season. 

We invested in an efficient double-barrel cider press, with the thought that we can rent it out to other small apple producers.  People with one or two trees in their backyard love the novelty of pressing their own cider, and around these parts a press rents for about $50 for the afternoon.  Over the course of the season that can really add up…

Year-Round Garden Income

Beyond different things you can do seasonally to earn a few thousand a couple of months a year, there are things you can do year-round to earn a steady income related to your garden.  

Garden Blogging

I know, making income from blogging seems too good to be true, but writing about diy, gardening, and self-sufficiency is now my full-time job. Within 6 months of starting this blog, I started making an extra $1000 a month.  After 9 months of writing, I was able to quit my day job, and now at 18 months in I bring in more each month than any job I’ve ever had.

The best part?  All I do is write about what we’re already doing here in our daily lives, and I spend my days playing in the garden and out foraging in the woods with my kids.

I was inspired to take the leap into blogging when I read the book Make Money Blogging at Any Level by my blogger friend, Victoria at A Modern Homestead.  She outlines in detail how to earn a substantial income, even from a very small blog.  

She was able to retire her husband and supports her family exclusively with her blog.  If you’re considering blogging as a source of income it’s worth the investment.  It’s $27 for the book, and I made that back in my first week with my blog following her tips.

She also has a much more comprehensive blogging e-course that takes you through everything you need to know to launch your own profitable blog.  It’s a bit more of an investment, but it’s the perfect way for a beginner to learn everything they need to know to launch their blog fast and start earning money.

Garden Micro-Influencer

Making money on Instagram is all the rage these days, and you’d be surprised how many companies are willing to send you free products just for a promise that you’ll post at least 1 picture of it to Instagram with honest feedback.  Once you have even a small following, companies will pay you for your time reviewing it (and you still get to keep it for free…)

Looking for a little inspiration?  You can always follow along on my Instagram for ideas…

Hopefully, this helps inspire you to turn your gardening passion into a meaningful side hustle.  If you have any other ideas, let me know in the comments below.

More Income Inspiration

How to Make a Full-Time Income Off-Grid

8 Ways to Make an Extra $1000 a Month on a Small Homestead

Making Money with Small Scale Maple Sugaring

Related

Source: https://livingcorner.com.au Category: Garden

source https://livingcorner.com.au/12-ways-to-make-1000-a-month-from-your-garden-year-round/

[mightymikelechn]

A Date With the Republican Wives’ Club (a Short Story)...

A Date with the Republican Wives’ Club (And other Socioeconomic Anomalies)

By Mighty Mike Lechner

(From, “A Crush Story”)

 It was a sunny Saturday Morning. Michael Scheigermann was at his desk checking his email on his laptop while his same-sex mate, William Muzak was in the bedroom getting dressed. Then his cell phone rang. It was his best friend, Bob Cope. Both worked together as warehousemen for PlowShare Pharma.

 “Bob, what’s up? Adele giving you a hard time again?” Schweigermann answered as he was printing out something off his computer.

 “Not much. Mike, how would you like to join me and the guys for some Indoor Taser Tag at the WrexPlex?” Cope Offered.

 “No, Cope! As much fun as that day was, I am gonna pass. I am fresh out of adult diapers and really am not into shitting and pissing my pants and having to be treated for A-Fib this week…” Schweigermann replied, then added jokingly, “And besides, I am still reeling from me being a contestant on that short-lived reality TV show, ‘Psych Ward-Stuck in the Shock Tank at Creedmoor State Hospital’...when they actually gave me Regressive Electroshock Therapy and I was a blithering dolt having to be spoon-fed and in diapers for a month after accosting that hunky orderly...”

 “You were on that show on the XtremeChannel?? Was that the same one they Transorbitally Lobotomized that washed-up former child TV star and he died from encephalitis from a dirty icepick??” Cope inquired, playing along with the joke.

 “Yes, unfortunately! But at least I made enough on that show to pay my rent and utilities at Mudslide Gardens for two years…” Mike answered.

 “You and Bill have anything planned?” Cope inquired.

 “Actually, as you know, Bill just got out of the hospital again a few days ago and has been cooped up at home here all week. To get him out of the house, decided to do some food shopping at ShopRite in Garwood and maybe hitting the Farmers Market by the Train Station in Westfield and grabbing subs at Hershey’s or Duke’s Deli with my neighbors, Gloria and Robert Bumgardner. Probably will be free after that…” Schweigermann answered.

 “Well, I was thinking-Adele and I have tickets at the Meadowlands for ‘Monster Car Soccer’-it’s part soccer, part hockey, part demolition derby, and 100% fun to watch…”

 “is that where two teams of cars knock around a huge soccer ball and the goalies are Bobcat operators in big backhoes? Maybe. I had seen them in action on YouTube videos...”

 “Got two extra tickets-Adele got them from her new Radio Station gig in The City-want to go?

 “Let me see how Bill endures it...I will get back to you in a couple of hours. How’s Adele doing with her new job at WTUP??”

 “She loves it-although she misses working with Jim Blowhard and Big Joe Whalegut for that talk station near Philly….”

 As Schweigermann was talking with Cope, Muzak walks in Mike’s Office wearing grey gym shorts, a white T-shirt, flip flops, and a straw hat with silk sunflowers hot glued to it around the band and reeking of Jean Nate cologne.

 Mike looked up and said, “Bob, let me call you later-Bill is ready to go…”

 “Okay, I will talk to you later, Mike!”

 Schweigermann closed his phone and looked up. He whispered under his breath, Oh, No!

 “Bill, I hope you are not wearing what you are wearing to Westfield…”

 “Why not? You dress like we are going to war here…” Muzak Quipped back. Mike was wearing Digital Woodland Camo (MARPAT) BDU Shorts, Black TAC Boots and a T-Shirt depicting a SWAT team member with a battering ram ready to breach a doorway with the caption saying, KNOCK! KNOCK!!

 “At least, where we are going, they are Right-Wing, Flag-Waving Warmongers...don’t think the members of the Republican Wives’ Club can handle a crossdresser-we aren’t just there yet…” Schweigermann Retorted, then added, “But then again, it just might be fun as all hell to shake things up a bit. Maybe I’ll even” “wear my MICH helmet and pretend I am an old war vet with a TBI. Still reeling from the ECT sessions I have been going for lately…last night, after you went to bed, I went into a staring spell and after, a mild grand mal and pissed my boxers. Just used my last diaper today and wearing it underneath now…”

 “Michael! Why??!!...” Bill inquired.

 “The Meds are not working well anymore. And while you were in the hospital, I had a breakdown like I did in 2000 when you had the Colostomy Reversal and spent the weekend in Carrier Clinic again...” Mike replied.

 Then the doorbell rang. It was Gloria and Robert Bumgardner. Bill walked over to the door and let them in.

 "Hi, Guys! Gloria Bumgardner greeted as her and her husband, Robert walked in. Robert’s face looked like he was weaned on a dill pickle. Gloria had a mild form of Down’s Syndrome and Robert was an extreme Dysthymic and also went into bad, crippling depressive episodes like Mike. Both of them are permanently disabled and collecting Social Security.

 “Good Morning, Guys!” Bill Greeted them as he closed the door.

 Mike stood up from his desk chair and walked into the living room and sat in his whitewashed L. L. Bean porch rocking chair with a green damask cushion set. Mike greeted, “Good Morning, Gloria and Robert! Ready for a nice day out?”

 “Yes, Mike! We are!! Always a fun time with you guys…” Gloria replied as she sat next to her husband on the loveseat. Bill sat in his usual spot on his couch.

 "Guys, before we go to ShopRite, can we stop at the Farmers Market at the Train Station in Westfield and from there, we’ll go across to Hershey’s Subs to eat-sound good?” Mike Suggested.

 “Sure, Mike! Love Hershey’s Subs…” Gloria replied gleefully. Then Robert interrupted her, “Gloria, we don’t have a whole lot to spend until we get our checks on the third of the month…”

 “It’s on Us, Guys! We know you guys been struggling lately and I’ll even fill your tank at the gas station on the way…” Bill interjected. Then added, “we appreciate you guys taking us. Mike’s BMW is in the shop up the street and Mike’s not been up to driving the last few days…”

 “I know, Bill-I have been driving and/or picking up Mike for his ECT sessions at Rahway Hospital either from the Y or at Dr. Higgins’ office…” Gloria Revealed.

 “Gloria, I thank you much for that-at least Mike is in hands I trust. I wish Mike would have told me, but I do understand that he doesn’t want me to worry more than what I have to already with my own bad health-Mike’s like that-sometimes stays too strong for his own good…” Bill said to Gloria appreciatively.

 “Guys, I appreciate what you guys do for us, too!” Gloria replied.

 Mike turned to Bill and said, “Really, I want to apologize for not telling you. I really should. But when I see you struggle with your health problems and how much you depend on me much of the time, it’s extremely difficult to do so. I always had to stay strong-for my Dad, for my Mom, for Steve, for Debbie Schwarzenkatz-and why I stay strong for you…”

 “I know, Mick-because of your older ones being drunks and drug addicts and assholes…” Bill added.

 “Well, are you guys ready?” Robert asked impatiently.

 Everyone nodded in agreement, got up from their seats and left the apartment.

 After stopping for gas and the repair shop where Schweigermann’s 2004 BMW M3 convertible was being tuned up in Gloria’s old Toyota Corolla, they finally arrive at the South Avenue side of the Westfield Train Station. Mike, Bill, and Robert exit the car by where the Flea Market set up shop in the lot. Then Gloria drove further down to find a parking spot in the train station by the station house.

 No sooner Mike went over to the first produce vendor he encountered, he ran into his and Cope’s old co-worker, Dominick Stanhope. Mike and Rob nicknamed him the Donkey Stunatz. Mike was far from pleased to see him.

 Dominick recognized Mike and greeted, “Mike! What Brings you here-Vegetables to eat-or to use as sex toys??”

 Mike was checking out plum tomatoes and replied, “Come to think of it-both! See these plum tomatoes, I like jamming a couple up my ass before I start fucking myself with a greased cucumber and staining my sheets with the juice like I am having the gay equivalent to period sex…”

 Stanhope looked at him weird and scared and walked away. Robert and Gloria were laughing their asses off-along with a few other people that overheard. But one older woman dressed in Lulemon yoga pants and top with a serious camel toe that looked like a mattress folded in half, was clearly repulsed. She blurted, “You are a disgusting cretin! You are that hairy ape at the YMCA that blasts on your iPod that horrible head banger and skinhead music…”

 “And Yes! It’s so nice to be recognized…and I suppose you are here to purchase Produce here too for improvised sex toys, too…I take immense pride in being a subhuman animal that eats with his hands, pees in beer cans and soda bottles, shits in big pickle jars and brushes his teeth with his fingers while bathing in the creeks and rivers and then has sex with his brothers and cousins-I am a gay redneck…” Mike fired back.

 The middle-aged woman walked away. Then Bill walked to Mike and asked, “what was that all about?

 “Just a couple of humorless fucks that can’t handle seeing me…” Mike replied. “It was the Donkey Stunatz and he asked me what I was doing here. I told him I buy my sex toys here and pointed to the plum tomatoes and told him I like shoving a couple up my ass before I insert the cucumber to make like I am having period sex a having the red juice and seeds run onto the sheets like blood…”

 Bill laughed so hard that he was in pain from hernia surgery a week before. Then reluctantly, asked him who the woman was. Mike told him he didn’t know her by name-but had seen her at the Westfield YMCA several times in the cardio area and the Nautilus Room working out on the machines. Mike told him about the conversation he had with her and laughed even harder to the point he almost had to call an ambulance for him.

 After all of them made their rounds and purchased a few bagfuls of fruits, vegetables, and a few home baked pies, they head back to Gloria’s car to put in the trunk. Mike then suggested, “Guys! How about we go to Duke’s instead of Hershey’s?”

 Everyone nodded in agreement. They crossed the street and made their way into Duke’s Deli. A few of Mike’s BMX buddies were there with their bikes flipped on their handlebars and seats by the big window overlooking the train station and South Avenue. Mike knew them from the Bike shop up the street-Pro Tour Cycles. Mike bought and had serviced three BMX bikes from there and would go all over the NY/NJ area riding with them.  

 “What Up, Guys!” Mike Greeted four of the BMX’ers and three Skateboarders Mike went riding the ramps and street areas with. Schweigermann was a Street Skateboarder and a Street/Flatland BMX rider and stayed with it well into his 30’s-40’s.

 One of them asked, “Mike! Where you been?? Gary at Pro Tour finally snapped together a BMX team and a couple of the ‘Boarders made the team for Out of Bounds on Route 22…”

 “Oh, yeah, Jeremy? That’s Great!! Where’s Macaulay, my fellow flatlander??”

 “He’s at the Rutgers Flat Jam Contest in New Brunswick…” Jeremy replied.

 “He will snag at least second place-he’s mad good!” Mike said.

 Mike then turned to Bill, Gloria, and Robert and suggested, “Guys, go order a grab a table-order me my old standby with fries and a cup of mud...By the way, these are the guys from the bike shop and the skateboard shop I go riding with sometimes. Here’s Jeremy, John, Milton, George, Paul, Rich, Steve, and Marcella…” Marcella was a Skater chick in her 20’s.

 Then Mike heard a commotion and argument outside on the corner where Duke’s was.

 Mike stepped outside and saw the woman that insulted him at the Farmers Market earlier giving a couple of young skateboarders a hard time. Mike walked up to them and asked, “What’s Going on here??”

 The blonde-haired boy, no older than maybe 12 or 13, replied, “This mean old lady called the cops on us for skateboarding here...”

 “Is that so, guys? I’ll be back in a second” Mike said, seeing a road crew patching up a couple of potholes by the gas station next to the train station. Mike walked up to a worker with a spade in hand. Mike pulled out a $50.00 Bill for the shovel and walked back with it. The boys were scared shitless Mike was going to beat them with it. The Woman was enthralled at that same thought.

 But Mike walked up to the woman holding it out like he’s going to hand it to her. Mike said to her as he pointed the handle to her,

“Here, You Miserable Bitch! Here’s a Shovel-GO BURY YOURSELF WITH IT! YOU ARE ALREADY DEAD!! YOUR BODY JUST HASN’T LAID DOWN YET!!!THESE KIDS AREN’T DOING ANYTHING TO HURT YOU…” Mike growled at her like a Siberian Tiger as he threw it at her feet.

 She scampered away and got in her big wonking SUV and drove away. The boys ran across the street to the train station and down the tunnel to the North Ave. Side of the Station.

 Everybody in Duke’s were either by the door or their faces pressed to the glass.

 As Mike walked back into Duke’s, one of the guys he worked out and played Roller Hockey on Friday Nights at the Westfield Y walked behind him. His name was George Geronimo but nicknamed, “Hockey George”.

 “Mike, how you are doing, Guy!” George Greeted.

 “Not Bad-Not Bad at All, Hockey George! How You Are doing??”

 “Pretty Good. Miss you at Roller Hockey on Friday Nights, Mike!

 “Miss it too, George!! Hopefully, in a couple of weeks, I’ll make an appearance…You still a Season Ticket Holder for the Rangers? If you got an extra or two, like to start going to games at the Garden again…”

 “I’ll keep you in mind, Mike! Great seeing you…”

 “You, too, George!” Mike concluded as Hockey George was heading out the door with an order he phoned in.

 Without further ado, Mike sat down to eat his cold cheesesteak sub and cold fries. Everyone else finished their meals. Then Mike and his entourage left Duke’s and headed back to the car. A few minutes later, they arrive at the ShopRite supermarket in Garwood. While picking up groceries, Bill had to go to the bathroom bad. Mike stayed outside the door with the cart. The Men’s Room was locked and someone else was in there and another man was waiting outside the door. Bill had to go really bad. So, her tried the Ladies’ Room door and was open and available. He went in and did what he had to do. Then as he was coming out, the Haitian man that took care of the carts outside was getting ready to clean the Ladies’ Room. The Man said to Bill, “That’s the Ladies’ Room…”

 Bill Interrupted and said, “Well, I am a Lady…”

 The Haitian man was shocked and horrified. He ran out the store and by the smoking area, he pulled out of his pocket a set of Rosary Beads and proceeded to say the Rosary.

 Bill walked back to Mike and Mike inquired, “What the fuck happened? The Man that takes care of the carts ran out like he saw the Ghost of Papa Doc Duvalier…”

 “I had to go so bad, I went in the Ladies’ Room and he saw me and told me that was the Ladies’ Room. I told him I was a Lady and he ran out, Mike….”

 Mike laughed so hard, he almost pissed the diaper he was wearing under his shorts and shaking his head in disbelief. Then Mike said, “Let’s get the fuck outta here before we get arrested or hauled away to Carrier in straightjackets…”

 A half-hour later, they all checked out their stuff and hauled it to the car. When they got into the car and Gloria started it, getting ready to pull out of the parking spot, Bill told Gloria And Robert what happened at the restroom area. Gloria laughed so hard, she already had the car in reverse and accidentally stepped on the accelerator pedal instead of the brake. And two guesses whose SUV Gloria’s car T-Boned in the Right Front and Right Rear Passenger doors? The Lulemon Mom with the serious case of Camel Toe!

 She got out of her SUV as Mike exited out of Gloria’s car.

 “What the Fuck-Are you trying to kill me???” She forcefully and angrily asked Mike.

 “No, my friend accidentally stepped on the gas instead of the brake. I am so very sorry, ma’am! Are you okay?” Mike consoled.

 “Thankfully, I am! Are you guys okay??” The Woman asked Mike.

 “Well, apparently, thy must be-they are still laughing at what happened a little while ago…” Mike answered.

 “Oh, you mean when your crossdressing friend used the Ladies’ Room and the Cart Attendant caught him and your friend turned and told him he was a lady? He just called me-I’m his Psychologist…”

 “Again, Doctor! I am so very sorry for today…By the way, my name is Schweigermann-Michael Schweigermann…”

 “My Name is Dr. Jane Hilderbrandt, PhD. My Husband name is Dr. Maurice Hilderbrandt, MD-he’s a Neuropsychiatrist and specializes in Electroconvulsive Therapy…”

 “Nice to meet you, Dr. Hilderbrandt! I know your husband-I am currently one of his patients. And you must know my Psychologist, Dr. Edward Higgson, PhD…The Crossdressing man is my same-sex partner, William Mazek. My friends and neighbors, Gloria and Robert Bumgardner were kind enough to give me and Bill a ride here today-both because my car is being repaired and yesterday morning, your husband gave me my third ECT treatment…”

 “I do know Dr. Higgson-he was one of my professors at Seton Hall when he was a priest! And I have worked with him and his wife Dr. Betty McCreary-still do!”

 “I believe we should get down to the business here with exchanging insurance and license information, and I see the Garwood Police are here to grace our presence, Dr. Hilderbrandt...”

 “Agree, Mr. Schweigermann!”

 The police came and Gloria and Dr. Hilderbrandt exchanged information and called their respective insurance carriers. Mike called his friend and neighbor, Bob Marzo to come and give Gloria a tow and a crowbar to pry the trunk open to retrieve our groceries. Also called Enterprise Car Rental for a rental car for us. Once everything was done, we headed back to home. Once Gloria and Robert dropped Mike and Bill off and put everything away, Mike turned to Bill and asked, “Wanna go down to Point Pleasant Beach and have dinner at Red’s Lobster Pot and hang at Martells and the boardwalk for a while and maybe stop at Barbara Mullins in Freehold?”

 “But the car is in the shop, Mick!” Bill exclaimed.

 “Got a surprise in the garage downstairs…” Mike said.

 “Meet you in front. Be Back, Bill!

 Mike flew out the front door. Mike opened the garage and stood a fully restored, triple black 1971 Pontiac GTO-Bubblegum Pink Eyebrow Stripes, Ram Air, Honeycomb Mag Wheels and all-even a vintage Pioneer AM/FM/Cassette Stereo in the dash. Mike fired it up and drove it to the front of the courtyard of the apartment complex they lived in. Bill was waiting out front and could not believe it. Mike parked it on the street by their apt. Mike walked up to him and said, “Still want to go?”

 “Are you feeling okay enough to drive?”

 “Yes, I am. Let’s get cleaned up and go…”

 An hour later, Mike and Bill climbed into the GTO and rode off to the legendary Jersey Shore.

 (End of Chapter-Next… “BedPan Tostado!”)