#although it does genuinely sound like that irl so i think thats just me

[imaginarianisms]

hey y'all im& typing this out mostly bc i& feel the need to like make it extra clear bc sometimes i& feel like im& not coming off clearly enough & i already talked about it w/ macy where we both agree & this is general & @ /nbh so !! if i'm& sending you a bunch of stuff in discord dms, that's in no way me& tryna rush you for replies or anything like that, that's just me& being excited about our munchkins & their dynamics, you can take as long as you want to reply to me or just not even reply to asks/memes & shit bc it doesn't bother me @ all i& just love writing when i& feel inspo & i get a lot of ideas & when i& do that i& tend to like blast that out bc of a) i& get excited & that's gotta Come Out & b) this is the most important reason but i& have did so i& easily forget so i& make sure to like let it all out before i& forget so i& could send yall 100 asks/memes/starters or w/e & you could answer 100 of them or some of them & i'd& still not expect anything back bc life is obviously difficult for a lotta ppl out here rn, my& own included, you can take as long as you need to reply to my& shit, when i& throw in stuff in our& dms thats literally just me& thinking "oh hmmm this sounds interesting i wonder what [x] would think of this" & just pop off. yall are not obligated to reply to every single thing i& say (although if that happens thats cool) or reply in exactly 000000000.1 seconds i'm& never gonna be out here rushing people. like. I& Get It TM. this blog is permanently on semihiatus & medium to very low sporadic activity, our& writing speed entirely depends on motivation, there's days where i& write a few replies in seconds, several replies in one day or months or even years where i& post nothing at all, there's no in between bc this is a hobby. lmao. like. in my& case i& like having a clean dashboard so i& won't be following back every single blog that follows me & i unfollow ppl who're pretty much cricket silence w/ me for extended long periods of time (this obviously doesn't apply to people on hiatus or people that i Know are inherently low activity or very busy irl or if we're extremely close) but it Does apply to mutuals who like literally Never respond to starters i've written, answer memes i've sent, or people who never send me asks/memes or ppl who Never respond to our threads & otherwise making no genuine attempt to interact beyond clicking the follow button & that's It & never speaking to me ever all while being clearly active on the dash as i've& said previously on my rules, but again on the flip side, i'm& more than happy to refollow sb again if they approach me with genuine interest, but all of that is just to make sure my dash is active & communication is essential which leads me& to my& next point. but At The Same Time i expect to be told that if i'm doing or talking too much bc otherwise I Won't Know. esp bc im& not a mindreader. bc it's happened on occasions in the past in the older days of me being on here like years ago where like sb would like ignore me w/o saying a word (& that's not inherently a bad thing but it Does sting especially bc i have bpd) as to why. like. you can tell me to like slow it down bc you're overwhelmed & i& can literally just write it down in a discord server channel ykwim?? it aint hard. im& autistic & i& also have bpd & did, im& traumatized & there are days where i& just straight up do not feel like doing anything & that's perfectly normal. yall feel me?? tl;dr; if i'm& sending you a bunch of stuff in dms, that's in no way me& tryna rush you for replies or anything like that, take your time, take care of yourself first, but At The Same Time i expect to be told that if i'm doing/talking too much bc otherwise I Won't Know ok ily

[justcallmesolll]

I realise why its so embarrassing to talk about being neurodivergant irl.

yeen rambles #1

being on the internet is like walking on a frozen lake. we have to be so extremely careful with everything we do to not be harassed for it. one of these things, is being autistic or having ADHD. (i will mainly focus on autisim as im more familliar with expeiancing it, although i will say its differant for everyone.) people are so quick to accuse others of faking a disorder like autisim, and it gets to the point where people who either have or havent got a diagnosis with autisim are being acussed of faking it. but this behaviour is so much more common irl, where if you try to talk about it, the first thing thats asked is "Wait so do you have a diagnosis?"

now, things are different in Scotland compared to America, and i acknowledge that. the whole process of getting a diagnosis for something like autism is such a laborious process. first, you need to be put on the waiting list, which usually doesn't happen until you reach about year 8 or 9(more often than not, its females. a male's symptoms of autism are easily spotted and caught early on.), where you realise that "hey! actually I'm not normal at all!" and IF you get a meeting with a GP, you list all symptoms, talk about how extremely hard it is for you to literally just function in the world made for neurotypicals.

then you're asked the hardest question, which, will be asked SO many times; "Why do you want a diagnosis?" this is such a hard, excruciating question to ask someone with autism, because we genuinely don't know how to answer. Because I need it? I know that sounds weird, but I do. I need a diagnosis to feel whole if that makes sense. the reassurance that I'm not a weird, lazy, dysfunctional human being would be nice. to know that there's a reason why its so hard to simply live. to prove anyone who denies me wrong? its hard to explain and it makes you feel like a rabbit caught in a snare. if, AND ONLY IF, you somehow manage to get onto the waiting list, you're looking at about an average of two-three years until you get an appointment. another thing they'll say to you is "There's no cure for it you know." I'm so fucking aware of that. more aware than anybody around me at all fucking times. you think I'm going through this entire process for fun?? Those people are almost ALWAYS fucking neurotypical or speak to you like a five year old.

but that's why I don't have a fucking diagnosis. what the fuck does it matter to you anyway??? I don't see how me having or not having autism affects you? i know neurotypicals find it hard to grasp what it's like to be autistic. because it sounds unreal. it IS fucking unreal. but if you're autistic, you are VERY aware of it. even if you don't know what autism is. you assume that everyone went though what you did as a small child. THEY FUCKING DIDNT. you are just different. that's how it is, and that's how it always will be. I always felt like there was something wrong with me. the way I act or speak, it's not the same as everybody else. i tried talking about it, "Everybody feels that way." yes. they do. but the thing is, it's (Mostly) never true yea? with autism you're aware that you are speaking in a very unnatural manner, you are aware of the stares you receive as you speak, of the brief, unnatural silence after you finish talking. Because it's happening. it's not in your head. its real. and happening right now. but neurotypicals straight up just refuse to believe this. at least from my experience. they insist that I'm overreacting, or overanalysing it. but I'm fucking not. its happening right in front of me, broad as day.

you're constantly justifying your own experiences. trying to make them understand, until you realize, Why am I trying to convince this person? that sounds like something somebody who is trying to fake it would do. you start second guessing yourself, Maybe I am over exaggerating. I read that person wrong, or that didn't actually happen. you become that opposing side in your own head as you grow up. no-one else needed. and so, you get the feeling that everyone, along with yourself, is constantly doubting your claims. Which isn't good at all. if I don't have autism then who am i? i clearly dont know myself well enough, am i sure i'm even who i want to be? even writing that last part there, i thought to myself; Don't be so dramatic! it's not that big a deal. but it is. it so is.

Shit as it is, if there was a cure for autism, I wouldn't want it. it makes me who I am, and as fucking annoying as it is I wouldn't change it. I just kind of wish more people would understand it, or at least accept it, rather than deny it.

TLDR; it feels like most ppl including urself dont belive you which is shit, but its not at the same time idk man its confusing.

[identitycris1s]

im back

hi just thought id pop in with a status update! maybe i’ll break this down into categories. feel like im doing an email update (ew!) but this rly is probs the best way to structure this post...

work / school (?)

work has been....aite. idk what to say. idk if i have unrealistic expectations of what work is supposed to be, but the idealist in me thinks its wrong to not even try and find something that seems meaningful / is deeply fulfilling. i think im mature enough to get that work isnt supposed to be fun / exciting every single day but bro this daily grind / sense of dread / utter disinterest / feeling of futility / frustration / disenchantment surely isnt the correct state of affairs.....at least let me try and find something that is a better fit, thats more stimulating, that feels more NATURAL to me? i just dont think im cut out to be a lawyer. sure i sometimes like arguing and making my point and i like that everyone i work with is smart and interesting and generally kind and reasonable and i like the prestige of the job and feeling like ppl respect me and i like the decent pay and the humane hours but.....i feel unmotivated to be a good lawyer. i think i find it difficult / disingenuous to always 100% get behind my client and advocate for their best interests. i tend to see things from a zoomed out perspective, like WHY are we fighting, WHY cant we just settle, WHY are the claimants pursuing this absolutely crap and unmeritorious claim and WHY do we have to defend it when its stupid and bound to fail (cos access2justice i guess but still, WHY), WHY cant we just hash things out in a meeting instead of sending emails here and there and wasting time, WHY do we have to answer stupid questions, WHY WHY WHY

and i think public policy is sort of an answer to that....i think theres more questioning of why we do things and why a policy will or will not work, in a macro sense - what is good for society at large. whereas in law (at least in litigation) its how can we just move this case forward and help the client, which is often not the most productive thing to do in a macro sense - very much a zero sum game. i get that shitty / unmeritorious claims still need to be defended against and someone has to do it and I GET IT but i just dont think i want to be that person defending these claims...or bringing them for that matter.....ultimately i cant fully / sincerely separate the overarching sense of futility from the duty to do a good job.

sigh. well at least ive kind of figured out this isnt for me. which is scary cos being a lawyer in this firm is pretty much a career for life - truly an iron rice bowl, i could probably make partner in maybe 4 or 5 years and live a comfortable upper middle class life...but i cant bring myself to do that. i cant bring myself to not give myself a shot at doing something i actually find interesting, stimulating and that i care about deeply. call me crazy! we’ll see where this brings me in 5 years’ time....:) 

anyway most ppl at work (at least in my team) know that im most likely gonna leave soon. i rly only told 2 ppl (my boss cos he had to sign off on my testimonial and G cos she was quitting anyway)...but somehow ppl found out one way or another. i dont rly mind and ppl have been taking it pretty well and have been kind and encouraging (i guess why would they not take it well, im hardly indispensable) but i get a bit antsy thinking - what if i dont get in...then what? do i just put my head down and continue here (BUT IM SO SAD) or do i just quit without any prospects and try to find a policy-ish job??

idk. will have faith that God will put me where I need to be. he is in control of it all and I BELIEVE THIS !!! I am just a bit scared that his plan is different from what i  think i want....but this is just my human instinct and i know in my head that there is no reason to be scared cos his plan is always the better one. head knowledge just needs to translate to heart understanding and real trust / faith.

ermmm relationships...???

i started using...cmb...idk why i find this so cringey. i guess about a year ago i couldnt imagine doing this and i kept thinking EW what if ppl i know see me and they think im a desperate saddo who cant find a bf irl and has to resort to an app EW shes so lame and ugly and gross. and i realised that is so stupid no one actually thinks that way and its very backward and dumb and insecure of me to be thinking that. and anyway as i get older i rly dont quite give a shit what ppl think of me (at least i tell myself that....)

i suppose i was also inspired by csm who has been quite actively using apps and meeting ppl and taking real..strides..(LOL) in her dating life. i used to tell myself hey God will provide u with a mans if he wants u to be with a mans. but also God can use an app to do that...and if i dont step out in faith that he will do something and i dont take any action at all, how is God gonna work?? should i sit at home and expect a man to fall into my lap??

for some ppl it has been way easier, e.g. my parents meeting in uni and falling i love. i always wanted that - the organic relationship, the meet-cute, the friends to lovers thing. (i guess i tried that last one before and it didnt work...) but i think theres no point in romanticising relationships anymore. thats a very modern thing to do and its not necessarily a good thing? like who’s to say a relationship that had organic beginnings is intrinsically better than one that started from an app?

anyway i havent had much luck haha i think its hard to find genuine GCBs (or maybe theyre just not attracted to me....) although recently ive been talking to this one guy B for a week or two and its been...ok i guess. hes rly nice and seemed cool at first - we talked about travelling and hamilton and the office, which was a good start. he is thoughtful and kind and doesnt seem to be put off by my very slow replies (he replies so fast......its stressful a bit) and he does the whole good morning text thing (which i frankly find a bit bizarre, we barely know each other..?? and ive never even met him irl.. but its sweet i guess :))

but DUDE his english seems to be not great - at least thats the impression i get from texting him. which is an issue for me. i dont want it to be BUT IT IS...first red flag was when he said some weird thing about not wanting to wear a mask at work (not a literal mask - like he didnt know if he could be his ‘true self’) and the wording was very strange. then he said “the weekends are almost here” ?? the weekend is not a plural though? then he used the wrong tense a few times and his apostrophe usage was wrong (”Gods’ love” - bro there is one God). he also uses way too many commas which irks me.

i mean i get that text is supposed to be an informal medium - come on look at this post, there r hardly any capital letters and plenty of short forms and hardly any apostrophes but u see its CONSISTENT and its obviously cos of laziness / convenience - but i think his problem is a bit different...u can sort of tell if someone doesnt have a 100% strong grasp of english. those r basic grammar mistakes man...i get that i sound petty and stupid and this isnt a huge deal but i feel like im settling by even talking to him cos this is not something i wld normally tolerate but hey maybe im getting desperate with age :(:(:( urgh 

on the other hand maybe i just need to be more generous with ppl and l have an irrationally high standard for english cos i am a lawyer and my friends all speak well / text well?? maybe im just being too nitpicky?? honestly hes very nice  and communicative and straightforward and seems mature and very God-fearing and idk why hes still talking to me cos ive been a bit cold and slow to respond. hes very patient which i dont rly deserve.....i myself have a million flaws that are probably way worse and egregious (ahem PRIDE...ahem ego....ie the source of this dilemma in the first place...) so maybe i should just close one eye abt the bad grammar.

i also realised how fked up i am - confirmed my suspicion that i am naturally attracted to emotionally unavailable ppl / ppl that just seem distant / out of reach (thats my avoidant attachment style right there). i think there was one day he didnt text me at all and omg...i couldnt stop thinking what i did wrong...like did i piss him off by being too cold for too long...did he get scared off cos i said i wanted to do a masters (idk this seemed like an irrational leap but i was being irrational)..then i started being nicer to him and replied more promptly hahaha turns out he was just rly bz at work that day. omg this pattern is real i think i did this with xj also - was eager to speak when he was in japan but after meeting irll i was just over it... (i am drawn to distance like a moth to a flame and i am repelled by availability like....a fire by a fire extinguisher (??)). yucks i rly hate myself sometimes but yknow what at least im self aware and im trying to fix this...kind of.. gonna hash this avoidant thing out with my therapist at the next sesh.

on the topic of xj i got a bit nostalgic and wondered why we stopped speaking (surprise surprise it was my fault, didnt reply then felt it had been left to long to pick it up again...) went back to look at our texts and aw we rly got along so well, i do miss him as a friend and im sorry about how poorly i treated him especially in dec 2018 / jan 2019 sigh.....i was a real bitch....

anyway im just gonna see how things go with B... if he asks me out i prob will go... just to give it a shot. update if / when that happens!

EDIT - he asked me out lol we shall see how it goes. 

[cyjprojectarchive]

GOT7!!!!!!!!!!

alright, folks  *cracks knuckles* it’s gna get real in here jk i don’t rly crack my knuckles bec i get freaked out hearing the sounds dkjdfhd

my time period as a fan / i’ve known of them since around march-april of 2016 but my status of being a ‘stan’ was quite on and off…. my gf was the one who introduced me to the ~world of kpop~ hence showing me bts first, which i still love them a lot lot !!!! BUT when i asked her some other groups she knows of, she told me about got7 and and….. i found myself falling deeper and deeper for these 7 adorkable dorks,,,, and that’s when i knew they’re my first ult group ;; altho the following months i wasn’t able to keep up with them bec of irl issues…. but it resurfaced late 2016 and early 2017, and i’m sososo glad i went back :’))))

my bias among the members & why / i have 3 ultimate biases so buckle up bec i want to talk about all three of them sdajkdks. ok? u ready? here we go. 

starting off with my very first kpop bias/ult of ults: jackson wang!! what can i say?? it may have helped that my focus was more on him when i was just getting to know them that he was also the only member my gf really knew in the group, but all throughout ‘researching’ got7 and watching their dp’s and reality shows,,, he really just captured this fragile heart of mine. i saw genuine passion in his actions, in his eyes, in his voice !! and up until now, although some undesirable events have happened…… , i still believe his heart of gold remains intact - and i can still totally see that. he’s not just here for the money. he’s here for the experience, for the happiness and i’m - i easily fell in love for him because of that. 

then we have park jinyoung - oh jinyoungie. funny story !!! one of my best friends actually ults him (and yugyeom) so i told myself not to give any of these two more attention than necessary bec problems will arise BUT. she also kinda went on a short hiatus with kpop when i returned, and as the good friend that i am i tweeted her pictures of her mans as a way to persuade her to come back…. but as i did all those supportive things…. little did i know i started falling for this dude :// and i couldn’t help it :// his sarcasm and his charms just pulled me in and i :/// haven’t recovered since :///

OK THEN WE HAVE THE ONE AND ONLY LORENZO CHOI YOUNGJAE. my dear,, my heart,,,, my bright and happy sunshine…light of my rainy skies…. where do i begin.. he’s always had a special place in my got7 hort bec his laughs turn my sour mood upside down every time…. and then i focused on his vocals a bit more…then his soundcloud stuff…then never ever era arrived and i,,, my hort just stopped because good god he looks so freaking stunning and his voice is a stunner and his personality is just beaming with cheerfulness i….. knew it was time to ult this dork….. he has 2 v distinct sides and one of them is rarely seen and thats his “sad” persona… sad in a way that makes him create sUCH EMOTIONALLY WRECKING songs,,, like he stays up until 1:31 am ;) thinking about feelings and incorporating them into music,,,,, and then there’s his bubbly otter self which…is self-explanatory he exudes life hhh off his breathless chuckles, reverberating chortles, and his never ending slaps on other members’ chest !!! let’s not forget his love for coco !!! i’m a sucker for a man in love with his dog….and he did that :’’’))))))

favorite song /  i have a lot of favorite songs… i already mentioned ‘angel’ before so i’m gna say smth else for this one heh…. see the light !! oh goodness gracious me does that song still gives me chills ~~~ and YOUNGJAE’S PART. JUST LISTEN TO YOUNGJAE’S PART, the english translation,,, and live recordings of the song…….i been dedfavorite mv / i’m a slut for fly era so fly it is… (although i have a huge thing for got the stage paradise….oops)

favorite choreo / i’ve already answered this too before! if you do is def up there! paradise and angel too gaddam gaddam am i sweating ;;;; fly is also rly cool to me !!favorite era / bih what is my tumblr usernamecutest member / yugyeom… as much as i love sexci yugyeom…… he’s such a dorky dork i want to hug him so bad…. then there’s mork :’))))))) giggly mark gives me fluttery feels

sexiest member / jackson freaking wang shhhh best friend member / yugbam. imagine being best friends with yugbam ;;;; their got jackson show bit itself is proof that they invented best friendships jdkjdjhs

best smile / youngjae i luv him his smile turns grey skies into rainbowsfavorite rapper / bambam has such a unique rapping style, ngl !! but jackson’s hoarse voice gets me all mmmhm ;;;;

favorite vocalist / is this even a question….. it’s youngjae. (but jinyoung is close too) but youngjae gaddam youngjae’s voice….there’s such a power and intense emotional depth to it i swoonfavorite dancer / i love them all ;;; but yugyeom and jaebum are def up there tho,,, they really know what they’re doing and they know what they’re doing to mewhat i see for them in the future / oh lord this is already TOO FREAKING LONG BUT WHATEVER IF YOU’RE STILL READING OMHFGO IM SO SORRY YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH MY MINDLESS RAMBLING BUT HERE I GO

first of all, i want them to rest. lmao they’ve done so much, we’ve been fed so much they deserve at least three weeks of break. as in, no promotions, no schedules, no guestings, no nothing. it’s just them sleeping, eating their hearts out, and hanging out with friends and family. 

secondly, i just see them getting bigger and bigger from here. i know there’s been a few issues lately…..but i believe their true fans would rise above them and believe in what got7 has to offer. these people have proven themselves to be so passionate and so hard working, so i only expect greater things being put out there for their fans as well as themselves. 

heq… i luv got7 so much idk how else to describe my wishes for them in the future…. all i know is that i’m gna be with them for a long ass while, and amidst all the obstacles, i’m gna fight thru it with them, learn with them, and cheer them on until the very end (hopefully) sjddskd