#am i deaf or am i having a religious breakthrough

[conversationwiththesky]

The Suddenly-Unpopular-Christian Award goes to...

Tumblr used to be a place I went to when I was feeling alone and misunderstood. Mostly, in regards to practicing American Sign Language (ASL) and being a hearing person in the Deaf community. And here I am again after many years. Why?

Given the year we’ve had, during the world-freakin-pandemic, I believe it’s safe to say that it has served as a bit of a litmus test for people and communities alike. 

As a recent beginner, and believer of, PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOTHERAPY I have learned the beauty of healing trauma, developing healthier coping mechanisms, and learn a lot about the underlying reasons for my problems with worry, anxiety, and fear. During my first session, I was identified as having signs of depression and PTSD. 

That was quite a surprise for me because I thought struggling was kind of normal and that my issues were probably just in my head and needed help snapping out of it (partly due to false religious teaching). But as soon as my therapist laid it out for me (what PTSD and depression look like), I was relieved to know that there were actual, valid reasons why I was struggling to function normally then and also in the past. But more on that later...

In tonight’s therapy session, I learned WHY I used to have such a difficult time visualizing what it would be like to live shame-free, guilt-free, and actually live out my life purpose without all those unhelpful thoughts and feelings weighing me down. Why did I believe it such a inconceivable idea? Then my therapist reminded me who had first walked into the teletherapy-door just a couple months ago. This strange person who: 

1) believed everything was about ‘my failure’ 2) spoke terribly to their inner child  3) a few more fun things... (again, more on that later)

But how could a self-proclaimed, long-time “Christian”, “spiritual Christian”, even “progressive Christian”, be so dysfunctional? This is the type of thinking I was conditioned to before. If I still struggled or had issues it was because I wasn’t a good enough Christian yet. That people who weren’t having as hard a time must be ‘better Christians’ than me. 

This is what brings me back to my undergrad blog! Hello, again! Because in all my years in the Church (the Western Christian church) I didn’t have access to (and wasn’t encouraged to seek) professional mental health services. Not until now, at age 29, have I finally made breakthrough that “prayer”, “devotionals”, and “service” to God hadn’t tapped into even though I had tried desperately to reach a new level of “enlightenment”. Ironically, I probably considered therapy because of the hard work of non-Christians who have paved the way for mental health services to be made more accessible to the general public. So, thank you! Thank you to all of the non-religious people who have fought for mental health services for ALL people. As a person from the gross majority (Christians in America), thank God for YOU!

In the Church I’ve heard the message of “the real crisis is suicide in our nation. It’s a nation that needs Jesus! We need to share the Gospel to people in depression, anxiety... blah blah blah”. While it’s a well-intentioned message, I disagree wholeheartedly with that approach because:

1) There are suicidal people in the church that you’re talking to now 2) If the Christian Gospel was all we needed to combat suicide (or the primary need), wouldn’t the country with the highest number of Christian churches be lowest in the world for suicide rates?

I am not the kind of person that has looked to leave my faith entirely or change ideologies, but I am the kind of person that has found it increasingly difficult to relate to the Christian “brand” that is out in the world at this time. As a matter of fact, it sort of disgusts me to be associated with my religion at times. There are times where I am okay with the tension and there are other times where it actually makes me loathe, grieve, and mourn. 

I know that I’m not alone (nationally and worldwide) but it sure as heck feels lonely when the majority of people who used to pat my head for being a “good Christian” are now people I do not look up to in the faith and have lost respect for. And it’s not even for the more common reasons like, “I was fired from my ministry job by this group of elders” or “I got too close to the fire and got burned by the church”. I would say that I was/am in excellent standing with the Church and its members, but now it’s ME who has a HUGE bone to pick with Christians in the church whom I believe the Bible calls “lukewarm”. 

I believe it’s lukewarm not to take a strong stand against social injustice. I believe it’s lukewarm not to condemn racism, homophobia, and xenophobia. And where does this land me? In the eyes of the community of Christians I used to appease, I would be viewed as a heretic. More about this in future posts...

If there are any Christians, or ex-Christians, out there who are now reformed, deconstructed, or barely getting started on their journey I am HERE for it! 

Thank you for reading this post. I will not take it personally for any unfollows. I am thankful you even read this because maybe you could point me to some page similar or refer to somebody else dealing with religious trauma. Thank you!

[romancatholicreflections]

21st February >> Daily Reflection/Commentary on Today’s Gospel Reading for Roman Catholics on Thursday, Sixth Week in Ordinary Time (Mark 8:27-33).

We now come to a high point in Mark’s gospel which the texts of previous days have been leading up to. Since the beginning of this gospel the question has been continually asked: “Who is Jesus?” Today we get the answer. The blind and deaf disciples show that they are beginning to see more clearly.

So Jesus himself puts the question that has been underlying all that has gone before: “Who do people say I am?” The disciples give a number of answers reflecting the speculations of the people. These include:

– John the Baptist come to life again

– Elijah, who was expected to return to earth just before the arrival of the Messiah

– One of the other prophets…

Then Jesus asks his disciples what they believe. “Who do you say I am?” Peter speaks up in the name of all: “You are the Christ.”

This is indeed a dramatic moment. Jesus is not just an ordinary rabbi, not just a prophet. He is the long-awaited Christ, the Messiah, the anointed King of Israel. This is a tremendous breakthrough for the disciples. However, they are told to keep this to themselves for the time being. There were many expectations about the Messiah and Jesus did not want to be identified with them.

But it is not the end of the story. There is a sudden and unexpected twist for which they were not at all prepared. Jesus immediately begins to tell them what is going to happen to him in the days ahead: that he will suffer grievously, be rejected by the religious leaders of his own people, be put to death and – perhaps most surprising of all – after three days rise again. And there was no mistaking his meaning for “he said all this quite openly”. ‘Religious leaders’ here refers to the Sanhedrin, the 71-member ruling council of the Jews consisting of elders, the chief priests and the scribes. Under Roman rule, it had authority in religious matters.

For the first time in this gospel Jesus refers to himself as the “Son of Man”. He will do this many more times. The title was first used in the book of Daniel (7:13-14) as a symbol of “the saints of the Most High”, referring to those faithful Israelites who receive the everlasting kingdom from the “Ancient One” (God). In the apocryphal books of 1 Enoch and 4 Ezra the title does not refer to a group but to a unique figure of extraordinary spiritual endowments, who will be revealed as the one through whom the everlasting kingdom decreed by God will be established. Of itself, this expression means simply a human being, or, indefinitely, someone, and there are evidences of this use in pre-Christian times. Its use in the New Testament is probably due to Jesus’ speaking of himself in that way, “a human being”, and the later Church’s taking this in the sense of the Jewish apocrypha and applying it to him with that meaning (cf. New American Bible)

It is not difficult to imagine how the disciples must have been profoundly shocked and could not believe their ears at what Jesus was telling them. Peter, their impetuous leader, immediately begins to protest. They have just pronounced Jesus to be the long-awaited leader of the Jewish people and now he says he is going to be rejected and executed by their very own leaders. It made absolutely no sense whatever. Jesus turns round, looks at his disciples and scolds Peter with the terrible words, “Get behind me, Satan! Because the way you think is not God’s way but man’s.”

This is what the gradual opening of the eyes of the blind man in yesterday’s story indicated. They had reached the stage where they had made the exciting discovery that their Master was none other than the long-awaited Messiah. They had answered the first question of Mark’s gospel: Who is Jesus? But they were still immersed in all the traditional expectations that had grown up around the coming of the Messiah, as the victorious and triumphing king who would put all Israel’s enemies to flight.

But they would have to unlearn all this. The rest of Mark will answer the second question: What kind of Messiah is Jesus? or What does it mean for Jesus to be Messiah?

And a further question follows from that. What will all that mean for the disciples – and for us? We will see some of that tomorrow.

[romancatholicreflections]

16th February >> Daily Reflection on Today's Gospel Reading (Mark 8:27-33) for Roman Catholics on Thursday of the Sixth Week in Ordinary Time

Commentary on Mark 8:27-33 We now come to a high point in Mark’s gospel which the texts of previous days have been leading up to. Since the beginning of this gospel the question has been continually asked: “Who is Jesus?” Today we get the answer. The blind and deaf disciples show that they are beginning to see more clearly. So Jesus himself puts the question that has been underlying all that has gone before: “Who do people say I am?” The disciples give a number of answers reflecting the speculations of the people. These include: – John the Baptist come to life again – Elijah, who was expected to return to earth just before the arrival of the Messiah – One of the other prophets… Then Jesus asks his disciples what they believe. “Who do you say I am?” Peter speaks up in the name of all: “You are the Christ.” This is indeed a dramatic moment. Jesus is not just an ordinary rabbi, not just a prophet. He is the long-awaited Christ, the Messiah, the anointed King of Israel. This is a tremendous breakthrough for the disciples. However, they are told to keep this to themselves for the time being. There were many expectations about the Messiah and Jesus did not want to be identified with them. But it is not the end of the story. There is a sudden and unexpected twist for which they were not at all prepared. Jesus immediately begins to tell them what is going to happen to him in the days ahead: that he will suffer grievously, be rejected by the religious leaders of his own people, be put to death and – perhaps most surprising of all – after three days rise again. And there was no mistaking his meaning for “he said all this quite openly”. ‘Religious leaders’ here refers to the Sanhedrin, the 71-member ruling council of the Jews consisting of elders, the chief priests and the scribes. Under Roman rule, it had authority in religious matters. For the first time in this gospel Jesus refers to himself as the “Son of Man”. He will do this many more times. The title was first used in the book of Daniel (7:13-14) as a symbol of “the saints of the Most High”, referring to those faithful Israelites who receive the everlasting kingdom from the “Ancient One” (God). In the apocryphal books of 1 Enoch and 4 Ezra the title does not refer to a group but to a unique figure of extraordinary spiritual endowments, who will be revealed as the one through whom the everlasting kingdom decreed by God will be established. Of itself, this expression means simply a human being, or, indefinitely, someone, and there are evidences of this use in pre-Christian times. Its use in the New Testament is probably due to Jesus’ speaking of himself in that way, “a human being”, and the later Church’s taking this in the sense of the Jewish apocrypha and applying it to him with that meaning (cf. New American Bible) It is not difficult to imagine how the disciples must have been profoundly shocked and could not believe their ears at what Jesus was telling them. Peter, their impetuous leader, immediately begins to protest. They have just pronounced Jesus to be the long-awaited leader of the Jewish people and now he says he is going to be rejected and executed by their very own leaders. It made absolutely no sense whatever. Jesus turns round, looks at his disciples and scolds Peter with the terrible words, “Get behind me, Satan! Because the way you think is not God’s way but man’s.” This is what the gradual opening of the eyes of the blind man in yesterday’s story indicated. They had reached the stage where they had made the exciting discovery that their Master was none other than the long-awaited Messiah. They had answered the first question of Mark’s gospel: Who is Jesus? But they were still immersed in all the traditional expectations that had grown up around the coming of the Messiah, as the victorious and triumphing king who would put all Israel’s enemies to flight. But they would have to unlearn all this. The rest of Mark will answer the second question: What kind of Messiah is Jesus? or What does it mean for Jesus to be Messiah? And a further question follows from that. What will all that mean for the disciples – and for us? We will see some of that tomorrow.