#and I haven't been enjoying the outdoors very much bc the temperature and weather at this time of year scares me

[piplupod]

something something parallels in life and things might be improving but I honestly can't quite tell yet

three years ago today, i was begging my parents to let me go to the hospital so i could admit myself to the psych ward (for my second stay, the first was involuntary) and then begging the hospital staff to let me into the ward - they had room, they just don't like people self-admitting, they'd rather you end up there through a failed suicide attempt. but thank god for my brain because there's parts of it that want to live even when this part (me) does not, and they'll do what they have to to make sure we all continue on.

two years ago today, I was setting up a mattress on the floor of what I figured would be the quietest room in the basement while my sister and her friends had the loudest party possible outdoors right by my bedroom that went on well into the wee hours of the morning. i couldnt sleep and had to drag all my bedding back to my bedroom and lie awake until they were gone and it was quiet enough to sleep, some time around 4am. (and then my sister got really fucking mad at me when I wasn't an absolute peach about it the next day lmfao)

one year ago today, I went garage saling and acquired webkinz dog plushies and lanterns, two things I enjoy collecting. i had no social outlets in real life; I was deeply isolated and it definitely showed.

now today, i am going to a community mental health centre for the first time, for which i am terrified and tbh still trying to convince myself to go. it will be good for me but it's new and that's scary, but they can help me with getting onto disability and also just being around people and doing activities out in the community.

I can't quite tell if things have gotten better yet but I'm glad I haven't been back in the ward again, and I'm glad there is no loud upsetting party happening tonight, and I'm glad I have those lanterns and plushies that I enjoy looking at. and I suppose I'm glad that I'm going to the centre today, even if I am terrified.