#and I wouldn't have to worry much about their retirement income if I start sending steady amounts of money

[ramayantika]

Today my mother knocked on the door and asked how many questions I am able to attempt in neet and the range of marks I am able to score. She was trying her best, but I could see the desperation, the slight annoyance and that little fear of everything fucking up. She says that she will be there beside me if and whenever things go wrong and out of all the people in the world, only your parents will have your back. It's true, even I believe the same.

Sometimes I don't feel as if she is my mother. Sometimes she appears to me as a women who is still confused and figuring out how to handle me. She is sad whenever she has her angry outbursts on me. She will say sorry and then say I love you and I am always with you

But are we all really that selfless? Everyday when I look at her and my father, I remember my home expenses over coaching, house rent, clothing and our future education. Now every time whatever I do, it's all that in the back of my head.

My mother is excited to buy me new clothes for college, but here I am downplaying it all because I feel guilty for using their money. Is this how she feels when she has to ask dad for money? My parents will never complain if I spend money on myself unless until I go overboard, yet that guilt remains. My father knows that mummy too handles expenses well and tbh he was the one who paid for all her courses because he wanted to help and fulfill her wishes. Yet, she rarely buys sarees or rarely uses money to buy things that she really wants to have. She closes her eyes and smiles, saying, "aankh band karlo saans lo aur piche mud jao toh aur lagega nahi"

I got my new phone yesterday and so did my brother. All of it cost around 40. We would need laptops, stationary, clothing and as for me my skincare stuff and makeup for dance. This combined with college fees is going to cost a little much now.

I wonder if I choose bsc and go on to do phd and stuff will I still be looking around to see if I meet my mother's approval? She says live for your self we are anyway going to die in our old age. I understand that but I can't do that.

My father doesn't believe in my dancing. Sometimes even I don't too. Maybe one day they will be proud when I get my phd and set up my dance studio. I can't cut out much of the costs but until I get a good job I can definitely cut on my expenses so I can save of that money and give it back to my father. That won't be enough to buy a car by the next 5 years but maybe it would form a small piece of installment? Idk how all that works though. Hopefully if I also get a part time jobs as content writer maybe I can have some income too to send back home which my father won't appreciate but maybe mummy can buy some nice kurtis for herself and that way I can have money to spend on dance items too.

But if I get into iiser or niser I will get internships and some stipend too so that would bring some more money for me maybe?