#and also you're not that bad off anyway so wouldn't it kinda be overkill. kinda embarrassing to go. you're functioning and all
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#Ash's ramblings#you ever just take a look at yourself and it's like#it kinda looks like 85% of my problems lead back to my complete lack of a sense of self worth#and you go well maybe you really could use some therapy. but also it's 4.30pm on a thursday#and it's the end of term and you really have to finish that presentation and study for that exam and complete these 3 essays#and start on the other essays and hope the writing test tomorrow will go well and what about the speaking exam on Monday#that is online but the presentation is on site and there's only half an hour between and that's not enough time to get to uni actually#and. all the other things that take priority#and also therapy is kinda expensive and you already don't have hobbies bc you can't afford any classes and without classes you won't stick#to anything so can you afford therapy. and if you can wouldn't it be more fun to do sth else instead#but you kinda can't anyway but. maybe. Idk. but therapy also costs time and you don't have that either#and also you're not that bad off anyway so wouldn't it kinda be overkill. kinda embarrassing to go. you're functioning and all#havent considered drastic measures in quite a while. and what if you really ARE just stupid so your sense of self worth is in fact accurate#and therapy can't actually make you like. smart or talented or whatever so. wouldn't it just be a waste of time.#and then you look back at your laptop and realise you should be studying instead of mildly spiralling on tumblr so you get back to that#and try to focus#ily all feel free to ignore me I'm just stressed#Tag ramblings#suicide mention#Like. Very mild and not directly and all but idk just in case?? Idk what counts as triggering for whom so#it's like. idly thinking about why I practically never invite ppl to my flat. oh it's bc I'm embarrassed of the way I live and#scared it won't be good enough for others#why am I so immediately forgiving and willing to acceot things that hurt me. oh it's bc if I don't ppl won't have a reason to stick around#why do I get so quietly intensely jealous when ppl do cool things and have good things happen to them. oh it's bc it makes me think#that they'll realise how very much I don't fit into that cool life they're living and I can't keep up and I'm boring and the opposite of#anything they want in their life#I do realise this is. like. a problem.#it does not make me a better friend or partner or whatever if I'm constantly occupied with negative feelings about myself that#are no one else's problems and I shouldn't make it so. so I do not but it's still there and I can't make it go away#and I'm sure it's obvious sometimes that there's SOMETHING and that's. you know. Idk where I'm going with this.
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