Tumgik
#and bc I can’t help myself I have an entire idea of how Cal winds up adopting Karr ok
wastelandcth · 4 years
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idk if you write angst but could you write an angsty piece of the reader and cal fighting? cal is the dude to not fight and talk it out but maybe they have a fight they never really had before and it kinda goes to shit? the reader leaves for a few hours, leaves her phone at home so she can’t call anyone when she realizes it’s too late and cal calls the boys/girl’s to help find her and it results in seeing the reader a mess bc she thinks her and cal are over but they’re not and it ends in fluff?
okay this was one of my favorite things i’ve written lately so i hope you like this! also...maybe smut?? idk it’s probably not smut but also alluding to smut so 🤷🏻‍♀️
Movie Moments
"Hey man...have you or your missus heard anything from her? I...she hasn't come back home yet and it's getting pretty late." Calum mumbled into the phone as he rubbed his face, leaning back against the couch, "I was thinking maybe she'd gone over to talk to one of the girls but Ash and Mike said they haven't seen her today and neither have their girls. I just, I don't know what to do at this point." he sighed, looking over as he heard Duke whimpering at his feet, the old dog sensing his worries.
Thinking about it now, it had been a stupid fight. A fight that had been bubbling up for days now and Calum had the chance to nip it in the beginning but he was too stubborn of a person to be the first one to break again. He felt like it was always him fucking up and having to apologize for a disagreement. This time it wasn't even that much of his fault, to begin with. So their week began with a rocky start, both of them tiptoeing around each other as they tried to keep the impending fight at bay.
It started when she had left her laptop on the couch again. It wasn't anything intense, just her laptop on the couch. But Calum had gotten home exhausted from the studio and landing back onto the laptop didn't improve his mood, his backache the next morning just adding to his bad mood. Then when he'd left his running shoes near the doorway and she'd tripped and almost fallen on the ground, she couldn't help but utter out a few curse words, kicking the shoes back into the bedroom. But it didn't matter, because when she'd walked out the door at the end of their dumb fight, Calum knew he'd fucked up just as much as her.
"I just don't understand why you're so stubborn and won't accept the fact that I'm trying to help you out here! It's all I ever want to do, help you!" Calum winced at the own harshness of his voice, the thunder in the background making them both jump, "I want to make sure you're okay and that you don't do something stupid!"
Her life felt like a movie sometimes. Sometimes it felt like a teen coming of age movie when she and Calum were driving in the car with the windows down and some upbeat song came on to remind them that they were alive and together in this crazy world. Sometimes it felt like a romance movie, whenever she and Calum kissed and her world stopped because when Calum kissed her she felt like it was just her and Calum in the entire universe. Sometimes her life felt like a shitty romance movie, where the couple gets into a big fight and one of them gets stuck in the rain trying to deal with their feelings.
"I just don't understand why you're like this sometimes! Like, am I not enough for you?! I've tried, I've tried to become the best person I can become and you still treat me like I'm this...like I'm some dumb child who doesn't know how to take care of themself. I'm not a child, Calum! I'm a fucking adult, yeah I may be younger than you and you've seen more of this world than I can ever possibly imagine but you're no better than me. Deep down your just like me, you're just a fuck up who's scared to admit it and I'm just...I'm sick of having to tiptoe around this." her hands were shaking at this point, her hair sticking to her forehead as the rain kept falling around them.
Calum watched as she walked back inside of the house, the storm outside dulling into a sprinkle, not that it mattered much since they had both been soaked already. He watched as she grabbed her bag and her keys off of the counter and made her way towards the front door. He could've stopped her, he knew that if he went in there and apologized that she wouldn't leave, that they'd be able to talk things out. But Calum was being stubborn and he wasn't going to defend himself for wanting to take care of her, it wasn't like he was telling her she wasn't capable of doing so.
She was lost. The winding streets of the city leaving her confused and helpless. She really wished she had remembered to bring her phone when she had stormed out of the house but in her haste to leave, she'd left it. She could imagine it too, the clear case showing off the yellow phone and the polaroid picture of Calum and Duke that she had put there a few months ago, sitting on the coffee table where she had set it down before they'd walked outside to talk. It was probably dead by this time too, since she hadn't charged her phone since the night before. But now she had no way of knowing where she was or how to get back, the moonlight being blocked by the rain clouds that seemed to be mocking her. She could've walked to Ashton's house, maybe even Luke's since they were nearby their own house, but she couldn't face them, she couldn't face anyone at the moment. She'd decided on walking, to clear her mind, and try not to ruin what she had with Calum by saying something she didn't mean while angry. But the rain disoriented her and now she was sat on the curb, her jeans wet, her shoes soaked, and her tears being hidden by the raindrops falling around her.
She could've knocked on the door of whoever’s curb she was currently sitting on, ask them to use their phone to call Calum or one of her friends, but the idea of being kidnapped by them or worse would just prove Calum right and even in her panic she didn't want to deal with him saying 'I told you so' at her funeral. So instead she sat in silence, her body shaking from the cold as she tried to come up with a plan. She could've gone to the main road, tried to find a payphone, but it was late and she didn't really want to bump into the crowds of partying tourists and college students who flooded the night clubs during the weekends. She had been walking for what seemed like hours, she could've been in an entirely new city for all she knew, her sore feet protesting as she stood up to keep walking.
Bright headlights made her eyes squint as she made her way down yet another hilly neighborhood. Her body stiffening as she noticed the car flashing their lights at her and pull up next to her. Her breathing quickened as she prepared herself to bolt, her blood going cold as she imagined the worse. Calum really would've been upset at her funeral if she died like this. Relief flooded her as she heard a familiar Australian accent, watching as Luke parked the car and stepped out, his arms wrapping around her tightly and murmuring how he was glad to find her.
"You want to talk about it?" Luke asked softly as he glanced over at her while he drove them back home. It had been a few minutes since Luke had seen her walking down the steep hill, a few minutes after he'd called Calum and told him that he'd found her and she was safe. She found herself sitting in Luke's passenger seat, the seat warmer doing wonders for her shivering body. She shrugged, looking down at her hands as she thought about what she could say to the blonde.
"I'm not the best with directions, LA is stupid big and I got lost. I personally blame whoever made this city with so many hills and houses that look alike," she mumbled as she looked out the window, smiling weakly as she heard Luke scoff, which she hoped was more of a laugh. "Big cities are the worst. How is he?" she asked as they pulled into the driveway, her eyes landing on Calum who was stood outside of the front door waiting for them, his shoulders relaxing as he saw the car pull in.
"I'm sorry," she mumbled as she stepped out of the car, not expecting to be engulfed into Calum's arms the second she was out. Her arms wrapped around his body, her eyebrows furrowing as she felt his body shake and his uneven breathing on her neck. "C-Calum? I'm okay, I promise. I just got lost and...you were right. I can't take care of myself I'm sorry..." she rambled nervously and held him closer to her, her hand rubbing his back as she tried to calm him down. She'd only ever seen him cry a handful of times and it had never been because of her, the guilt rising up her body as Calum led her inside, thanking Luke as he got back into the car and drove off, giving you both the space you needed.
She followed Calum inside, the quiet house they'd both become accustomed to felt suffocated. The tension heard in their footsteps and in between Calum's sniffles. Her eyes looked towards the coffee table, a sigh leaving her as she saw her phone. She watched him as he walked around the kitchen, getting them both a glass of water and turning off the lights, something he'd do every night before bed. She followed him down the hallway to their bedroom, watched as he set the glasses down on the bedside table before he walked into the bathroom. She slid off her shoes as she heard the shower turn on, walking in to find Calum sliding off his damp shirt. His skin felt like fire against her cold fingertips, helping him slide the shirt up his torso before it fell to the floor with a thud. His eyes met hers, both of them tired and full of sadness as his fingertips played with the hem of her shirt, slowly pulling it off to join his on the floor.
The bathroom had steamed up by the time they'd both stepped into the shower, soft apologies whispered in between kisses. Her back was against the wall, her hands gripping his hair as she gave herself to him. His hands squeezed at her soft skin, the warm water enveloping both of them as they drank each other in. They moved as if they were made for one another, one of his hands holding one of hers above their heads as he left a trail of kisses down her jaw, his mouth whispering against her skin the words he only mumbled to himself when she was asleep. Her free hand tugged on his dark curls, soft moans leaving her as she listened to him, her body on fire as she wondered how she could have ever doubted that this was what she wanted for the rest of her life.
Laying in bed, the rain outside was different. It no longer felt like a movie moment to her. She was no longer stuck in a shitty romance movie. She was lying in the arms of her lover. Listening to his soft breathing as his chest rose and fell with sleep. No, her life no longer felt like that movie anymore, it felt like a dream she didn't want to wake up from. It felt like a poem she never wanted to stop reading. It felt like home, it felt like Calum.
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generallynerdy · 3 years
Text
Maybe it does all add up to a single hush (Kanan Jarrus/Cal Kestis)
Summary: 15 years after the Fall, 10 years after the death of Caleb Dume, Kanan Jarrus and Cal Kestis find each other again.
Warnings: Jedi: Fallen Order Spoilers, Implied/Referenced Character Death, cursing, brief suicidal ideation/thoughts Word Count: 5,143
Author’s Note: the effort I had to put in not to make this another series...I had to stage an intervention for myself. Anyway, I love Cal and Kanan’s dynamic, whether as partners or as friends, and an Idea struck me that wouldn’t leave. Also, idk how old most people think Cal was when the war ended based on JFO clips, but I always just kind of went with him being the same age as Kanan at the end of the war bc I love them and I need them to know each other. The title is from the poem “So They Say— They Finally Nailed— The Proton’s Size— & Hope— Dies—” by Rosebud Ben-Oni.
Read On AO3
*
When the hard part is over, Cal returns to Bracca, his new lightsaber tucked under Cere’s old robe that still smells like the Temple, with the intention of burning Prauf’s body.
Caleb still had his own robe. He kept it in the deepest part of their shared closet, bringing it out only on the worst days. If Prauf saw it, he never mentioned it, and both boys were grateful for it. There was a lot he didn’t mention.
Cal thinks, sometimes, that Prauf knew who they were before. After all, it’s hard to look at two abandoned kids in the wake of the Clone Wars that can survive being riggers and not think of the thousands of Jedi younglings that died on Empire Day. It’s even harder to ignore two lightsabers and one ratty, brown robe.
Maybe Prauf wasn’t sure.
But he had to be, on that last day, when they found that fighter. When Cal caught him with the Force. He knew then, maybe before. But he still took care of them.
Maybe he knew when the Empire showed up, when Caleb heard the roar of a TIE Fighter and looked instantly to the redheaded boy beside him like he was about to die before his eyes. Maybe that was the moment he put it all together. Or was it his last moment? When the world began to go dark and both Cal and Caleb lashed out in fury at his killers with matching, bright blue blades—did he know? Did he know that he died for the children of an already dying Order?
Standing over the bonfire, Cal holds the Holocron in shaky hands.
Did Prauf know his sacrifice would save the life of every child just like them?
Cal moves away from the flames to the gap in the ground that they’d held Caleb over, his calloused hands clawing at the Ninth Sister, who clutched his throat.
Deep in Cal’s heart, he knows half the reason he beat her was for his best friend. He’d almost given in to rage but stopped himself at the memory of him. Revenge is not the way of the Jedi. But justice is. And so is survival, these days.
Caleb’s lightsaber fell long before he did. When he did fall, he went screaming bloody murder, the noise echoing in the silence that rang in Cal’s ears.
Standing at the edge now, Cal almost considers simply...stepping off.
He can survive it. He has before. And what’s to say that Caleb isn’t waiting at the bottom?
Caleb...used to like animals, he remembers. He preferred them to plants, which are unreadable if you don’t have practise with them. Animals, like people, are complex but tell you in simple terms what they want and what they don’t want. Cal has always been better with plants. They’re simple, grounding, natural. Caleb used to tease him for it.
The only plant he ever managed to grow on this place was a seedling in a boot filled with dirt he kept in their room. It had been making good progress in their last weeks, enough that he’d actually felt some semblance of hope.
And then...and then he’d lost everything. Again.
The Holocron burns in his hand, reminding him that there is more in store for him than an endless chasm. Hundreds of thousands of Force-sensitive children are depending on him now, him and the Mantis crew.
Cal lets out a shaky breath. “I couldn’t save you,” he whispers to the wind. “But maybe I can save them.”
On the way back to the Mantis, he turns around to go find the robe and the plant in its boot. The robe smells like blaster fire and the plant is wilting but both are comforting: one because it’s familiar and the other because it’s not quite gone yet.
*
Kanan changes his name.
It doesn’t feel right, hearing his given name from anyone that isn’t Cal or Prauf. The first and only time it happens, nausea sinks in and he quickly makes the change.
Some days, he wants to go back to Bracca. Some part of him still hopes Cal survived the Inquisitors, that he’s waiting for him back at what used to be home, but the logical part of him knows that he’s not. Kanan surviving was a miracle, a fluke, and those don’t happen twice. Sometimes he wishes it had never happened at all.
He managed to save his lightsaber, as broken to bits as it was. It and the necklace Cal gave him are all he has now.
Kanan doesn’t let himself grieve, as much as he knows he needs to. He hardly did it before, on Bracca, but now he won’t allow even a tear. Surviving is the only thing on his mind, though for what he doesn’t know.
When he almost loses that little piece of metal on a string, though, he breaks down sobbing.
It’s the stupidest thing, really. All those lessons on attachment are lost on him now, as he cries over the rusted symbol of the Jedi Order on a piece of scrap metal that Cal had put on a cord for him. He keeps it close to his heart, hanging off his neck every hour of every day if he can help it, and getting that close to losing it is the last straw.
He knows now, why he’s surviving. Because Cal would want him to.
Meeting Hera is a relief. She’s kind but curious, which is more of a bane than it should be.
(Painfully, he’s reminded of himself as a youngling. His Master always said his frequent questions were what drew her to him.)
She’s the first to know about his past, both as a Jedi and a rigger on Bracca. He doesn’t think to mention Caleb, doesn’t think it would matter to anyone, not until after a mission gone bad.
Hera is putting bacta on his wounds and graciously ignoring his constant wincing when she sees it.
She points to the cord after examining what hangs on it for a minute. “For someone who’s trying to be discreet, you wear a lot of Jedi stuff.”
Kanan snorts. “Yeah, well, I won’t get rid of this one.”
“It’s important to you,” she points out. “Can I ask why?”
He hesitates, swallowing roughly. “My best friend gave it to me...on Bracca, befo-before the Inquisitors caught up to us,” he admits. “He didn’t make it.”
Her eyes are full of empathy, something she never lacks. “What was his name?”
“Cal,” he says, voice quiet. “Cal Kestis.”
“If you remember his name,” she promises, “he’ll always be with you.”
It’s not so much a Twi’lek belief as it is her own but it reminds Kanan of Grey more than anyone else. His buir. The clones subscribed to many Mandalorian beliefs, including the echoing of remembrances for the dead. Before the abrupt end of the war, little Caleb used to say his every morning with his Master and buir.
So, he decides to start again. It’s difficult, at first, to even get through the first names, his oldest names.
“Depa Billaba,” he says through tears in the quiet of pre-dawn, “Grey, Styles, Prauf...”
He stops.
It’s hard to think, even harder to say, but he knows he needs to. He needs to tell himself the truth, needs to accept the truth.
“Cal—”
He sobs, shaky and painful. His throat burns just like it did when he fell down the chasm on Bracca, screaming his head off, part out of fear for himself but mostly for fear of what was happening to Cal above him. It hurts to speak it into the world, into the Force and those marching on. Cal is among them now, he knows. He just...has to admit it.
“Cal Kestis,” he finally says, the admission wobbly and half-hearted.
He never loses the necklace again.
*
They’ve finally settled on Bogano, after wiping every trace of it from Imperial data servers. The Holocron is safely locked away in the Vault, guarded by their crew and the Binog, fondly called ‘the big guy,’ mostly by fault of Greez.
Though mostly self-sufficient, occasionally some of them will leave the planet for supplies they can’t make themselves. While off on supply runs, well, they can’t help it if some Imperials just look like easy pickings. Apparently, slavers get the same treatment because Merrin ends up a figure in some sort of oral tradition of a Tatooine family, which Cal finds hilarious. Cere is not so amused and grounds them—literally, in that they can’t leave Bogano—for over a month.
Cal spends most of it repairing old platforms and ziplines, not to mention entertaining the Boglings.
They’re fond of him, for some reason, and BD-1, who loves to run around with them while Cal works. One in particular, named Rabid by Merrin after she stole her entire plate of food, is especially loveable.
Cal snickers as he pulls Rabid off his shoulder. “I have to finish this, then I can play.”
Rabid is not pleased with his answer, nibbling at his trousers.
“Rabid,” he chides, ignoring her in favour of his work. He laughs again. “I used to know somebody who would’ve loved you, annoying as you are.”
BD, who has taken Rabid’s place, beeps curiously.
Cal’s face falls a little. He pauses in his work. “Oh. I guess I’ve never told you about Caleb, huh?”
The little droid shakes his head.
Cal never intended to talk about Caleb to anyone, really, but it all comes pouring out. He tells BD and Rabid all about his old best friend, his confidant. The story is a long one, reaching from the creche all the way to Bracca and its bitter end. By the time he’s finished, his voice is quiet and hesitant, his grief echoing through.
Rabid curls up in his lap, nudging his hand, while BD sits in front of them, tilting his head.
A little light on the side of his scope says that he’s recording. He does that a lot, Cal knows, for prosperity, just like he was programmed to. Cal doesn’t mind, really.
When he finishes, BD gets his attention by chirping.
“Huh? You have something to show me?”
BD’s projector whirrs to life and a blue image appears. It’s Cordova, again, but not a video this time. It’s only a holo, of him and another Jedi—Master Jocasta Nu, Cal realises. Master Cordova is dead asleep on her shoulder and she’s leaned over to kiss his brow.
“Oh,” Cal breathes out, something jarring in his chest.
BD-1 thinks that he and Caleb were—well, were like that.
“I—” he pauses. “I dunno, buddy. I never asked him if...but I think…”
Well. It’d be a stretch to say Cal loved him, but he certainly cared for him more than he ever did anyone else. When they were thirteen and stupid, he might’ve said he had a crush on him. After the Fall, on Bracca, he just...didn't think of it. Caleb was all he had and he clung but he never...thought about what it was, thought about what they were.
It hurts to think of now, all that he missed.
“I don’t know if I did,” Cal tells BD quietly. “But I think I- I think I could have.”
BD asks about Caleb a lot, after that. Maybe he can tell that talking about him makes Cal happy. The others know about the one he lost but they don’t ask. They all have their demons and Cal’s are just...just too great to pile on another person. BD, though, is a little easier. All he wants is to see Cal smile again.
*
“What’s this?”
Kanan doesn’t think to look up at whatever Ezra—the newest addition to the Ghost crew—has swiped from him, until he notices a weight missing from his neck. His head snaps up to where a cord hangs from Ezra’s hand.
“Give that back,” Kanan growls, not meaning to be so aggressive.
Ezra’s eyes widen. He holds it out immediately, dropping it into Kanan’s open hand. “Sorry,” he mutters, watching curiously as Kanan puts it back on.
Almost by instinct, Kanan tucks the piece of scrap metal back under his shirt and breathes out a sigh of relief. He goes back to his datapad. Then, a moment later, when he notices the entire room is still silent, he looks up. Sabine and Zeb have joined Ezra in staring incredulously.
“What?” Kanan asks, his voice back to normal.
“I’ve never seen you that mad before,” Sabine admits with a half-shrug, though her eyes betray her concern.
Zeb nods, arms crossed. “And I’ve never seen you without that thing on your neck.”
“Yeah, you even sleep with it!” Ezra adds. “What’s up with that?”
“I—” He goes to make an excuse but stops, his hand fidgeting with the necklace.
“You don’t have to…” Sabine starts to say, but he shakes his head.
He sighs. To be honest, he’s surprised Zeb and Sabine haven’t asked before. “My best friend gave it to me.”
Ezra immediately sits down across from him, eyes wide. “Another Jedi?”
Admittedly, the kid is a lot like he used to be: always asking questions, always pushing. It’s going to get him in trouble someday but for now, it just gets him more stories out of Kanan, stories about the Jedi.
“Yeah. Yeah, another Padawan. We grew up in the Temple together.” He smiles, a fickle and fleeting thing. “He was picked by a Master before me, so we were separated...at the end. But I found him again, on the planet he was last assigned. He gave me this.”
Ezra’s face is bright, curious. Sabine, on the other hand, looks prepared for a gut-punch.
“What happened to him?” she asks quietly.
Kanan exhales sharply, ruefully. “Inquisitors. After 5 years of nothing, they came out of nowhere. I never saw what happened to him. For all I know, they still have him.”
“Oh,” Ezra says, his face falling.
“You know, Zeb,” Kanan begins, not wanting to make things any sadder, “his Master was a Lasat.”
He scoffs. “No way.”
“He was, swear it on my life!” he claims, raising a hand. “First time I saw you, I thought Master Tapal came back to haunt me for being a bad influence.”
Zeb snickers. “Bad influence? You?”
“Eh, a nudge here and there. We were not good kids.”
He tells them a few stories before Sabine and Zeb are called away by Hera and Chopper, leaving Ezra and Kanan alone. Ezra makes to follow them but stops, his expression cautiously blank.
“What is it, Ezra?” Kanan asks, already knowing that he’s brimming with curiosity.
“You said he was...your best friend?”
He frowns. “Yeah, ever since we were kids. Why?”
“I dunno. The way you talked about him just reminded me of my parents,” Ezra admits hesitantly. “Sappy. Did you—?”
Kanan sighs, touching his necklace again.
He had always been more reckless than Cal, back then. He threw himself into everything, into every situation. No matter the problem or the person, he was all-in. No matter what. And that included Cal. Once he took that step, he was karked. Before he knew it, he was hanging onto the redhead’s every word.
Cal was...different. Kanan had known that for a long time but the war only brought it out.
Kanan had a stupid crush, that was all. But on Bracca, it was everything and more.
He’d known then, known for a long time. Cal had never seen it but he didn’t have to. Kanan was fine the way things were. It didn’t feel right, bringing things up after...well, after. So Cal never knew.
(Sure, he could see the past of things with a single touch of his hands but he’d always been pretty oblivious.)
“Love him?” Kanan asks, raising an eyebrow.
Ezra nods.
It’s without hesitation that he answers. “I did.”
When they go in search of Master Luminara, Kanan’s kids buy him a precious few minutes to search for a Cal Kestis in the prisoner logs. He’s not there, of course, but Kanan thinks he prefers that to a death certificate.
*
“Ho-oly shit,” Greez says over comms one day. “You guys better get up here.”
Cal shares a look with Cere, following her out of the workshop with BD on his shoulder. Merrin has already teleported to Greez’s side when they arrive, lightsabers in hand. Greez passes the young man—not so young anymore, Cere has commented teasingly as he desperately shaves away any trace of his age—a pair of electrobinoculars.
Squinting through the scope, he spies a trail of smoke on the horizon attached to a ship.
“Kriffing hells,” Cere says after she gets a look.
In all their 10 years here, no one has ever landed—or crashed, for that matter—on the planet. The few ships that have come into orbit were Imperial and always quickly dealt with before word could get out. This one, however, isn’t exactly your standard Imperial cruiser. And it’s wrecked.
“Looks like a modified VCX-100 light freighter to me,” Greez says. “It’s a nice ship.”
Merrin rolls her eyes. “Are we waiting for them to come to us?”
“Looks like we don’t have to,” Cere declares, still looking through the binocs. “They’re headed this way, six hostiles. Three humans, a Lasat, a Twi’lek, and a droid.”
Greez laughs. “A Lasat? We’re kriffed.”
“Says you,” Merrin snorts.
“I’m with her,” Cal agrees, a cocky smile on his face. “Merrin and I will take the Vault. Cere, Greez, take home. BD will lure the big ones our way.”
“You got it, kid.”
Cere puts a hand on his shoulder before he can follow Merrin—more or less, seeing as she just teleports everywhere. “Be careful.”
The worst part of intruders is that even the hypothetical good ones can’t know Bogano is here. They’ll have to knock them out hard enough for their memories to be spotty and dump them in a nearby system if they’re smart—and they are.
Cal slips on his robe, a gift from Cere, and flips the hood up, making for the Vault.
If these visitors think they can take the Holocron, they have another thing coming.
*
“Are you sure we can find help here?” Ezra asks for the third time as they approach the massive building in the distance. “It looks...deserted.”
Hera sighs for the third time. “Scanners said there were signs of life here in a higher concentration than the rest of the planet. It’s worth checking out.”
Sabine gestures through the mild fog. “There’s buildings up ahead.”
“Good, let’s head there,” Kanan says, a cautious hand on his lightsaber.
Hopping across platforms is a pain, but they all manage to make their way to what looks like a residential area. A small path digs into the ground, leading deeper inside the planet’s crust. With a look at her second in command, Hera starts toward it. However, she stops when Kanan freezes.
“Do you feel that?” he asks suddenly, squinting as he looks into the distance.
Something is...tugging at him. Something in the Force is insistent that he go...that way. The feeling of incompleteness settles inside his chest.
“No…” Ezra replies uneasily. “What is it?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know.” After a moment, he decides. “I think I should go this way. You guys go on ahead.”
Zeb scoffs. “I’ll go with you. We don’t know who lived here. Could be Inquisitors for all we know.”
“They generally prefer places with lava,” Ezra counters.
The group splits, with Hera leading Sabine, Chopper, and Ezra into the abode. She and Sabine have their blasters raised, while Ezra keeps a hand on his lightsaber. Chopper is always ready to give someone a nasty shock.
“Anyone home?” Sabine calls.
There’s no answer.
They come across a small kitchen and dining room, where two chairs are pulled out. Over one hangs a small, ratty brown robe with multiple blaster burns.
Ezra plucks it off the back of the seat. “Woah, cool,” he breathes. “Very Jedi-like, huh?”
“Leave it, Ezra,” Hera chides fondly.
“You’d best,” says another voice.
All three of them jump as a lightsaber hums to life. Double-bladed, the weapon burns bright white throughout the room, illuminating its bearer, a woman with dark skin and hair, and her companion.
“Inquisitor!” Ezra cries, lighting his own.
The lightsaber wielder’s friend fires off a blaster right at Hera, who’s shoved out of the way by Sabine. Chopper shrieks, his head spinning.
“Look out!”
On the surface, Zeb follows Kanan to the edge of the platform. There, they find a zip line, which they intend to brave before a series of chirps stops them.
Zeb yelps and lifts his rifle when a droid appears, only stopped by Kanan’s raised hand.
It’s...a buddy droid.
“Hey, little guy,” Kanan greets cautiously. “What are you doing all the way out here?”
He beeps excitedly and backs away, indicating that they should follow. With a single leap, he attaches himself to the zipline and whirrs as he zooms all the way down.
“Don’t tell me we’re following the droid,” Zeb groans.
Kanan just smiles. “We’re following the droid.”
Using the Force to balance himself, he leaps atop the zipline and begins to tiptoe his way down. Behind him, Zeb sighs but reaches up to grab the line, following right after him. They land on a platform a good distance away, where a small slope is guarded by two statues; the beings depicted are of an unknown species, one lost to time.
“I don’t like this,” Zeb says as soon as he hops onto the grass. “It’s like the start of a bad horror holo.”
Kanan snorts. “If that were true, it would be raining tookas and massiffs.”
The buddy droid whirrs loudly to get their attention and bounces his way up the sloping path, on top of which sits a fluffy native creature. Kanan doesn’t know what they’re called, but this one is adorable. She chirps at them, much like the droid did.
“Oh, you’re a sweet little thing, aren’t you?” Kanan coos, moving to meet the creature and let her sniff his hand.
She makes a happy noise and nudges him.
“Ugh,” Zeb mutters, “more things.”
The droid and the creature lead them to the entrance of the massive, ancient building that had caught Kanan’s eye from the crash site. He steps in front of Zeb, placing his hand on the runes in the rock as the Force sings. This isn’t what’s calling him, but…
“Something is here,” Kanan whispers.
“I hope it’s not something that wants to eat us,” Zeb says long-sufferingly.
The slab of rock retreats into the space above, leaving an open tunnel of sorts.
“Karabast,” the Lasat curses, “I hate Jedi stuff.”
Kanan rolls his eyes. “C’mon.”
It’s a tight fit, but the two squeeze their way through, Kanan leading the way. They exit into a large cavern filled with a few inches of water, just enough to be annoying. Standing in the midst of the cave is a figure in a brown robe. The moment Kanan spots him, he draws his lightsaber and stands in front of Zeb until he can ready his rifle, too.
“You are not meant to be here.”
Kanan frowns. “The Force says otherwise. Who are you?”
“The guardian of this vault. You need to leave,” the figure says.
From underneath their robe, they draw a very familiar weapon. With a snap and a hiss, two blades of yellow light appear. Kanan lights his own lightsaber in response but it’s too little too late.
A green smoke encompasses Zeb, who yelps as he’s flung across the room by a pissed off Nightsister—which makes zero sense because they’re all supposed to be dead.
Kanan makes for his friend, interrupted only by the mysterious guardian rushing at him.
“Where did you get that lightsaber?” the faceless figure hisses.
And, well, Kanan doesn’t know how to answer that question except with another question. “Where did you get yours? ”
Back in the residential platform, Hera leaps in between Ezra and the lightsaber-wielder. “Wait!” she cries.
Both stop, staring at her like she’s crazy.
“That’s a healed kyber crystal, isn’t it?” Hera asks, pointing to her white blade. “You’re not an Inquisitor. You’re a Jedi.”
The woman lowers her lightsaber just slightly. “I was.”
“I’m one, too!” Ezra chirps, popping out from behind Hera. “Er. I’m training to be one!”
Her eyes widen. “A Padawan? Who’s your Master?”
Before he can answer, Hera speaks for him. “Kanan Jarrus. But his name used to be Caleb Dume.”
“Caleb?” she asks, her voice hushed in awe. “Depa Billaba’s Padawan?”
She nods.
Abruptly, the woman turns sharply on her heel, raising her comm unit to her lips and rushing out the door. “Cal, they’re non-hostiles, non-hostiles! Don’t hurt your boyfriend!”
“What!?” Ezra and Sabine cry at the same time, the former’s voice cracking.
Without another word, they follow her and her friend outside.
*
Merrin has the Lasat out of the Vault long before Cal gets his opponent to the entrance, admittedly. Lightsaber to lightsaber combat is significantly more balanced than Nightsister magick against a bo-rifle, poor guy.
Still, Cal pushes the intruder to the top of the Vault’s slope, the man just on the edge of slipping.
That’s when Cere’s voice crackles through the comms.
“Cal, they’re non-hostiles, non-hostiles! Don’t hurt your boyfriend!”
Hand grasping the intruder’s shirt, holding him above the edge, Cal freezes. He meets brown eyes and suddenly can’t breathe, gaze drifting to the cord around the taller man’s neck. His gloveless fingers just barely skim the material, Force signatures exploding in front of his eyes.
And suddenly, he can see it. He can see himself, painstakingly painting that symbol onto the metal and bartering for a cord. He sees an older Caleb sobbing in the quiet of an unfamiliar room, clutching that necklaces like a lifeline.
“Did you—?”
“Love him? I did.”
A shaky breath passes his lips.
“Caleb?” he asks, voice breaking on the name that’s so unfamiliar on his tongue.
The grip on his wrist loosens.
Kanan hears the woman’s voice, clear as day, but he almost doesn’t believe it at first. He almost doesn’t believe when he hears that whispered question. Caleb. It’s the name of a stranger and yet—yet when that robe’s hood slips off to reveal red hair and bright green eyes, he feels like he’s never known any other name.
“Cal?”
The Force wasn’t calling him to the Vault. It was calling him to its guardian.
Silence falls, the rest of the world fading away. All they’ve been through, all they’ve seen, and it all stops in this moment. It all adds up to this.
Cal lets go of his shirt, letting him balance precariously at the top of the muddy slope down from the Vault. Neither of them speaks—neither of them knows what to feel, except bright, unparalleled joy.
Cal doesn’t let himself flinch when Caleb reaches, his fingers just barely skimming his cheek.
He doesn’t get much further. Green smoke encompasses his body and before Cal knows it, his best friend is being flung from the Vault entrance to the platform beyond, screaming as he goes. The platform beyond, where the Oggdo used to reside, is covered in flowers. It was there that Cal planted his little sapling in a boot and there that the plant spread, covering almost every inch of land with budding blue and yellow flowers.
Cal whirls around to see Merrin, her eyes glowing green.
“Merrin, no!” he protests, eyes wide with desperation. “That’s Caleb!”
Merrin’s glowing fades as she glances at the nearby Lasat and her friend’s horrified face. “My mistake,” she says in that tone that says she knows exactly who he is.
(They were taking too long to speak, in her opinion.)
Cal huffs at her before getting a running start toward the entrance, using the Force to balance himself as he slides down that muddied slope, sailing right toward Caleb. Near the end, he leaps into the air, propelling himself a mere few feet from his collapsed companion.
“Caleb!” he cries, stumbling the last few steps and falling to his knees, where Caleb is face-down in the damp grass, his hair-tie mysteriously missing.
Caleb is—well, he’s okay. He’s just...wheezing with laughter.
He pushes himself up on his elbows and flips over just as Cal makes it to him, his chest heaving with the effort. And still, he laughs, a half-mad sound.
“Are you o—?” Cal is cut off by his own yelp when Caleb flings himself up from the ground and pulls Cal with him.
He embraces the redhead, dragging them both to their feet so he can swing Cal around. Cal shrieks and hitches his legs up on his hips, as difficult as that is with the man’s height—the bastard, he grew. He reaches desperately for Caleb’s shoulders to hold onto when they spin, completely unaware of Cere and the rest of Caleb’s group appearing on the platform.
Finally, Caleb stops, looking up at Cal with shining eyes and a smile that could kill a man. Cal leans forward, letting his forehead fall against his and breathing out a sigh of relief.
“I thought the Inquisitors had you,” Caleb whispers, a thousand more words in the back of his mind, too many to count.
Cal’s eyes well with tears. “I thought you were dead.”
Caleb has always been more reckless than Cal but the latter was the one to hear his words echo through that necklace, an admission years too late. It’s because of that little echo that Cal buries a hand in the hair that falls to his shoulders and pushes his head upward, meeting him in a searing kiss.
Out of shock, Caleb both squeaks—adorable, Cal thinks—and clutches the back of Cal’s shirt for a moment before dropping him. Luckily, his instinct has him landing on his feet.
The drop pulls him away and, looking up, he sees Caleb looking shell-shocked.
He just grins, grabs the taller man’s shirt, and pulls him in for another kiss, this one saying much more than the first. Caleb plants his feet and buries a hand in Cal’s hair for good measure.
They both ignore Greez cackling in the distance and Sabine’s whispered: “What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck —”
Because in that moment, all is right with the galaxy. Cal’s flowers are fully grown and blossoming beneath their feet, Caleb’s robe is waiting for him in the other room, and they have each other again.
And that’s all they’ve ever really wanted, isn’t it?
*
River’s Tags: @hahaboop & @mystoragehatesme
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noctomania · 5 years
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What Is Valuable?
I mean that question in 2 different ways:
-how do i define that word
-how do i become it.
I’m thinking in terms of art and art skills. Questions that have stuck with me most of my life is whether or not it is more/less valuable to have a style that runs through much of your work (for example you can pretty easily pick out a Van Gogh or an Ed Gorey because of their distinct style), and whether I have a style. I feel like I don’t.
I think it’s the nature of it though because I work in so many different mediums I have no real default. You wouldn’t necessarily be able to look at a sculpture I made and a painting I did and be able to even determine they were by the same person - save for maybe one or two pieces that were informed by one another.
I don’t think it’s a bad thing to not have a distinctive more consistent style, but it sure doesn’t contribute to any kind of direction. I also have such an issue with viewing myself as a creative because I’ve had a lot of help (not that i asked for it). It’s a bit of a story.
When I was in high school, i wound up in pre-cal. i think it was even ap, or pre-ap...idk why or how this happened bc math was by far my worst subject and this class wasn’t required. They just tried to throw as many pre-ap/ap classes at me as possible which is...not healthy. Anyway. I flunked. Before time ran out I was able to see my guidance counselor. If I recall correctly, she was kinda dumbfounded by the fact I had been placed in that class to begin with, so she helped me find other classes. I can’t recall the time correctly, i believe that was the last semester of my jr yr (11th grade). The counselor suggested I switch to an AP art class. I think I probably panicked at first with the mention of AP, but I went with it anyway - probably because nothing else available sounded good to me.
So it was like a few weeks before the end of the year and I needed to have a full portfolio designed and sent out for rating for the AP test. I leaned in pretty well i felt, having never done something like this before and having next to no idea what the hell I was doing. I hardly had any experience with photography, was brand spanking new to photoshop (this was back in like 2006 btw and our classroom had 1 old computer). I had a digital camera so I took tours around the deserted downtown of my home town and shot a bunch. I shot more whenever I’d notice something that caught my eye but much of my portfolio came from the downtown shoot.
Well, time was crunchin away and  i guess my teacher was afraid that i wouldn’t have a full portfolio done in enough time - because we also needed to format everything digitally and get actual slides made of all the images. Like these dealies:
Tumblr media
Why they couldn’t just view these digitally...idk. Seemed like a waste of time. But go figure.
So he took it upon himself to just do work for me. At the time i was just like “whatev, thanks i guess” but looking back it just was so wrong. There were like maybe 5 other students in this class who had been working at all this for the whole semester. Then I swoop in last minute and get a heaping handful of help. And I ended up being the only one to make a 5/5 score.
Not fair. At all.
And I know it and it has made me feel like I’m incapable too. Because was it me who got the 5 or him? Why did he do it? Did he think I was worth it? Did he do it because he knew my sister? Was it because if I didn’t turn in a portfolio it would make him look bad? Was it because I was so bad I needed that help? And how did everyone else see it? Did they hate me for what he did?
While that score wasn’t the only accolades I’ve gotten for my work, they were the most impactful because they got me into the art program for my undergrad. So the whole damn thing feels like fraud. Did I learn anything? Does it matter since I have so much more to learn anyway due to change and time? Am I an individual or am I entirely dependent?
This is why I’m trying to learn to better value myself. Part of me hopes that by virtue of that I will hone in on a style or signature of my own. But mostly I just want to feel more comfortable being creative again. To trust that I just need to invest the time. That I have enough knowledge to at least get started in some direction. I do know what I like to see in art but I don’t know if it’s developed any style or if I just do whatever the wind tells me to.
I just feel like it would be a nice feeling to know that I have a style someone could look at a few works of mine and be like I can tell who made these. But at the same time I don’t know that that is who I am, yanno? I think I might be too eclectic to be that orderly and consistent. It’s like trying to make a load of trash look homologous. While you can organize trash, it won’t always look the same.
Anyway, just a brain dump. I get this way every time I try to invest time into learning more. I’m not always sure what I’m looking to know and invest time into and it makes me panic because I’m ready to go and get started but I feel like I’m having to start over every time, and I’m not convinced this is what I want to do but I know it would possibly be better than what I’m left to do otherwise. blahblahblah i’m just in eternal confusion. It’s quite difficult to access opportunities after the fact, the fact being college. They just expect you to start all over if you want to do something else.
idk, im tired and this cappuccino mix didn’t make me a good mood like coffee stuff usually does. probably should just make coffee. or idk maybe should eat since i had a huge mug of what contains caffeine on an empty stomach. probably. should eat.
Don’t drink caffeine on an empty stomach kids, it is not worth it.
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