#and everything I learned outside the church means nothing because I dont have a bible degree or some bs so Im always the one who's wrong

[shatar-aethelwynn]

acquaintance from a church: please give this church one more chance! it's the same pastor we all love!

me: ...the pastor is one of the reasons I left, so that'll be a no from me :)

[takemetohelena]

</2018>

Grabe ang bilis talaga! But i don’t really feel the transition. Is this a sign of aging? Hahaha. Do you know what i’m doing at exactly 12AM ng New Year? Nasa CR ako, i’m pooping HAHAHA. I hear all the putukans and torotot outside but the only thing that’s in my mind that time was ‘We really can’t stop time no?’ Like drama aside, gusto ko magresearch ng scientific explanation why we can’t stop time, I know the earth finished one rotation around the sun pero bastaa, i’m curious about something and i dont know how to say it hahaha.

Soo 2018, gusto ko tignan yung bucketlist ko to see what i checked pero i think i lost it hahaha. I can say 2018 is a year of growth for me, mental and emotional idk if spiritual because last year, i became agnostic hahaha. Looking back, marami rin nangyari ngayong year, nagkaprogress na ako sa Design finally hahaha si David lang talaga e tsk bat di pa sya mawala haha jknotjk,

I felt closer to my college friends like yung hindi na napipilitan makisama, comfortable na talaga ako sakanila haha tho i miss my constants sometimes but they’re busy growing on their own din, before nagtatampo ako if di nila pinapansin mga kwento ko to the point na nag install ako ng Tinder para lang may mapagkwentuhan ng panaginip ko HAHAHA tbh i felt naiwan because ang dami nilang ganap outside our little bubble tapos ako i was still stuck with our old routine na nagsasabihan ng kung ano ano even the most walang kwenta at random things ever hahaha tho i understood naman na they have so much things to do and they need it para din sakanila, I support their growth af and i’m so proud of ‘em. Shoutout CRASH!

I taught myself how to play the Ukulele hehe. Took me 1-2weeks trying to play you are my sunshine na nabbwisit na sakin si ethel kasi pinapakanta ko sya while i play tapos mali mali kaya lagi nya inuulit hahahha. Nagsave na nga sya ng recording para di na sya kumanta. I was inpired sa isang video na kinakantahan nya ung special child nya na kapatid while playing and also I wanted to compose a song hehe pero di ko rin nagawa kasi di na ako inspired hahaha.

Sefl love and self care! I think i treated myself a little better last year compared to the other years. I avoid what doesn’t bring me any good (except for jollibee) and i focused more on my inner peace. Yoga helps hahaha, sana lang pumayat na ako HAHAHA. Pero totoo pala na if you love yourself, good things will come you way so be good to yourself and do what makes you happy. It’s v important saka always encourage yourself. Believe kahit na unbelievable hahaha.

This year, nag attend ako ng born again church for more than a month, consecutive 5 sundays with fridays and wednesdays meetings rin. I noticed how inconsistent it is, I mean the bible so i became skeptic and now idk if i still believe it but i’m open with the possibility na it might be true rin pero there is a big chance na we people just made it up just to have something to hold on to. Napansin ko rin na we are so dependent like kailangan at gusto natin na may mas nakakataas satin tho it’s true na meron because we cant control everything here, maybe it’s the universe or nature or god or whatever and whoever it is. I’m open for any theories but i dont feel like i can trust the church heheh. I used to think that i should choose a guy who is religious because religious people are afraid to do wrong pero di rin pala sometimes they’re the most judgemental pa like if it’s not in the bible i wont accept i ganon hahaha im not saying Anthony is like that ha, i still believe that he’s really nice and he told me once about that na nagegeneralize daw silang mga religious people hahaha speaking of Anthony..

We watched a movie last May haha Infinity War, keleg ang lola mu yun na ang icoconsider kong first real date ko from now on charot hahaha idk of may entry ako nun here i’ll check.. wala pala sad hahaha. Basta i was really kilig that time, pinaasa nya ako sa Transformers one time eh hehe he posted our pics sa myday nya haha and feeling ko ang dull ng replies ko kaya nawala na, or it’s just me hahaha. I still like him, yung mga nagugustuhan ko may special place na sila sa heart ko hahaha pero not the kind of like before. Parang he gives me nostalgia nalang and i’m happy we met, just that hahaha.

I applied for part time jobS last year--  cafes, fastfoods, convenient stores, got interviewed a few times, natanggap ako sa jabi but i only lasted for 1 day hahaha di ko keri teh. Tapos may nag abot sakin ng flyer Linkos. I applied and got accepted ngayon more than a month na ako dun. It’s nice, they’re all nice i think it’s good for me they’re making me grow din and i’m happy. I think those are the most important things in life-- growth and happiness. And they’re giving me that so far so i think i’ll stay. They almost feel feel like family tbh tapos the work is not that hard, yun lang it’s graveyard and i have 19units this sem so pamatay hahaha but i like it there. One of the right decisions i made, gujab hel!

Ano pa ba, my plantsss. Naeenjoy ko nayon mag alaga ng plants they make me happy feeling ko babies ko talaga and i get satisfied when i see them healthy and growing. They’re good for me and they make me feel like ang ganda ganda ng mundo. I love my plants and i want more hahaha 

I dont have much travel this year but it’s okay, bago yun actually because last few years lagi kaming may pinupuntahan courtesy of alison hahaha. I miss those days pero okay lang because i feel like (lagi ko nauumpisahan itype ‘this year’ pero last year na yung 2018 my ghad haha) last year was a year of me me me all about me me me for myself. I was more with myself and mas naintindihan ko rin sarili ko. Sana magtuloy tuloy hahaha

2018 was a year of myself (i think i’ve said that na HAHA), i learned to choose what’s good for me and what’s not, i learned how to be calm when my patience is being tested, i learned how to understand when they’re not making it easy for me, i learned how to accept changes and just go on, i learned how to weigh what to do in diff situations. Also, naisip ko we always have a choice, the effect of our actions is always because we chose to do it. Even the hardest choices or the wrong choices, we are still the one who decided to do it. That thought helps me to be responsible with my actions, it’s a good thing hahaha.

Hi 2019,

MY GHAAAD! Feels like yesterday lang nung gumagawa ako ng </2017> entry ko tapos bukas </2019> (if i dont accidentally get hit by a truck or something hahaha) ghad so bilis talaga haha. The future is so complex, there is a possibility of everything so idrk what to expect pero we’ll get there because time doesn’t stop. I’d like to think now that Time is the most powerful thing here on earth because nothing and no one can stop it. So whatever happens, happens nalang haha. I’m just gunna chill this year and focus on my growth and happiness aaand pala!!! I am single and now rEaDy To MiNgLe so this year, it would be great if i meet someone hmm universe, lord, buddha hello po hahaha.

2019, be a good year for me! Lets work well okay? Make this soft and brave hooman experience all the goods life has to offer, make her happy. She deserves it. ☺️

Signing out @  11:52PM, January 1 2019,

Helena

[almasidaliano]

Here’s the thing about Religion:

so i'm not religious. i am spiritual. to each's own, whatever you believe in, im simply happy you believe in something.

i grew up christian, i guess. uh baptist, ame, and non denominational. resonated most with non demoninational, even gave sermon when i was 15. and i loved it, truly. church is what threw me for a loop the most in religion, and members of the congregation. it's like hard to want to follow something when followers aren't people you would imagine when you think "Christ-like" you know?

i have always been skeptical about christianity. about religion in general really. so you talk to god and he hears you and he gets back to you with a signal or sign, a blessing or a lesson etc. very seldom people go through these experiences where they have truly heard the voice of God or seen some silohuette or something. its all about faith. and that wasn't the issue. "walk by faith not by sight" right? okay. it was the discrimination. the way people take it upon themselves to condemn others. the amount of sins people commit by simply having a judgemental conversation in a holy building is beyond me. the way the pastors feed off of the congregation. churches should be tax exempt meaning they are getting plenty to sustain their building from the government. why is the congregation dropping money in collection plates?

tides and offerings. paying dues. what about buying food for someone who was hungry? or simply giving some money to someone in need? why is it you go through your week being christ like giving tides and offerings selfishly whole heartedly, just to come to church and twice maybe three times a collection plate goes around while the pastor giving some motivational speech about how he know you got it; knowing you probably don't so to speak.

the most repetitive thing in the bible is not to judge and christians have got to be some of the most judgemental people i have ever known. when it comes to religion so many believers want to passively play god. they want to decide who is worth saving and who is condemned, who is living right, and what they need to be doing with their life. and that is not their job nor their place. you love thy neighbor. it never said unless xyz. no. simply love thy neighbor. it means be kind. love can be passive. it's treating humans like humans and not animals. common decency; which like common sense is less than common.

each religion has like its commandments you know those clear set of rules. i personally never thought these were things that needed to be clarified on the do not do list, however society. when you really break it down though, it is simple. be a good person. don't steal, don't kill. don't commit adultry (being loyal and faithful). etc. there are hundreds of stories in the bible. each open for each individual's interpretation.

if the title of the Creator is God then God is a woman. male and female exist yes i just think there is a little bit left off to the story. if there's a battle of the sexes women are the superior. first, there's father time and mother nature. time is a construct, it does not actually exist. ashes to ashes dust to dust. we all come from the earth.

see how the white man created a male god and sent his male son to save us all. "this is a man's world" (the Devil is a white man. and God is a black woman.) that is true, why? because Earth is the Devil's playground. what is so crazy is that the devil is this symbol of desire and guilty pleasures, rebellion and such and here we have the power to choose. life is about experiences. thinking for yourself doesn't make you a menace, how else do you learn? self knowledge is the best knowledge.

the Nation of Islam, is the prominent black religion. Catholicism and Scientology are the most prominent white religions. Catholicism enables sodomy and pedophilia. Scientology is a tax exempt cult, pretty much controlling the media and lowkey the United States. the Nation partnered with them and have been getting some heat from it, however i think they are trying to take it down. as time has progressed, everyone has gotten smarter. talk about a trojan horse.

Scientology and Catholicism kind of rule the country. all the many branch religions from catholicism just get ranked under that, however those two mainly. Scientology is a full blown brainwashing cult. they are the abusive partner in a domestic violence situation. most religion is. it's like religion or life. religion or family. religion or you know? more division. Scientology is more extreme in the sense that they really have policies and such enforced behind the rules and expectations. However, the same dynamic is kind of true for other religions. people get shunned and become estranged from their families frequently due to religious disagreements. it is truly disheartening because if someone is supposedly lost and you are their loved one, or simply a member of the following, why wouldnt you keep supporting them in the sense of like love companionship an ear to listen. instead, they force people to choose between trusting themselves and trusting their religion.

if your religion makes you question yourself take a look at it. you may be fucking up, you may not. however, blind trust will lead you off a cliff. almost all if not all religions talk about Jesus in one way or the other. there is truth in everything see? the Bible says its blasphemy to read another holy text. i want to find a Bible in the original script before people came with their intentions and made it what they wanted.

let's talk homosexuality for a moment. now i dont know how other religions work, however in christianity, christians love to condemn a homosexual. first thing, WHAT DOES WHO SOMEONE ELSE LOVES HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANY OUTSIDER? nothing. nothing at all. it has never been anyone's place to tell someone who they can and cannot love. there are scriptures, however they talk about pedetry and sodomy, rape, and male prostitution. crazy thing, it speaks a lot about males not committing homosexual acts but im pretty sure only comes up once about women and the topic was still men.

here's what i think: like i said god is a woman. so if the stories still hold true, humans were created right? so male and man have prefixes. these are word parts that come before. adding these prefixes creates woman and female. in that, i feel as though women were here first. (probably considering all babies start as females and then whilst developing testes drop or don't.) men cannot carry children, they don't have the nutrients in their bodies, they too have nipples however they don't produce milk. men were created as a tool. like a whole ass donor or carrier. men do not like to be "second in command". they feel like in order to be a man and wear the pants, they must do all the providing while a woman does the nurturing. whereas women are multifaceted and great at multitasking. men are constantly thinking like squirrels trying to get nuts. that's all they are here for lol. women could rule the world.

toats just a random theory: what if eve eating the apple and gaining knowledge was the knowledge of true love. like what if shorty realized she aint love dude they were just made for each other lmao. like men are here for reproduction. and to help when a woman's hand are full. i mean like they are in the garden and shit all happy and shit then shorty eat the apple give it to dude and they like oh no we naked. so they go find bushes and leaves and make some lil clothes or coverings. its the knowledge of good and evil so what if their union was evil lol in the sense of bad. like they get caste out stay together have two sons and one kill the other on some hateful envious shit. men provoke violence and evil. they are so prideful. so its like men love women, because they were made to help repopulate and to some extent protect. that's why men think with their dick heads. maybe that's why homosexuality is a "sin" or they try and press the issue; because of rape and sodomy. also, in effort to keep women unhappy since men were too. like it says man and man shouldn't be together, blatantly. not woman. man. because it was unconsensual, and they are here for reproduction so they kinda wasting product getting off elsewhere if you know get what i am saying. lol its a loose theory just popped in my head. however, it kind of makes sense. this lifetime we learning and experiencing things. at the beginning of the lifetime there was woman and then male was created with the tools needed to procreate. as life progressed, there are now ways for same sex female couples to have children. currently only girls can be born due to the lack of "Y" chromosome, however in due time. it is still presently possible for a child have two birth mothers in the present. that is what life is for, the condension of One Sound Consciousness (basically the big bang except not how they described it.). the condension of the Consciousness means when the Creator decided on this lifetime and created every single thing in it us included in order to experience each and every part of their creation. the Creator knows all, can create all, however has not experienced all; that is what lifetimes are for. the experience. the knowledge gained.

always trust the vibes. energy never lies. your body is a radar. you must protect your peace. meditation is like prayer, except broader. in my opinion you let go of so much weight and you gain so much clarity. do not stop believing. always believe in something. mainly yourself. if nothing else. the things that you eat matter too.  there are religions against eating pork, all slaves had was pig parts and pig's food. personally, i think it strengthened our bodies against more diseases and such like made us immune.

religion is simply something to believe in. spirituality is actuality. energy is undeniable. you can feel vibrations. and if you can't open your third eye because you are sleep and we need to be woke. we are superhuman. we have superpowers. for centuries, we have been under a curse of mental slavery. (sound familiar? this is why our ancestors laid down and took it. this is why my melanated friends still laying down and taking it.

having faith supposed to make you stop being afraid to die. so do yall not actually believe in something? because i get (ish) in general not wanting to die if you can help it. however, what part of the life you living is worth living truly? if you sat down and looked at the cards you were dealt, could you honestly say "nah im good, it could be worse ima ride it out." or some shit? would you truly rather live this life than fight for the life you want, the life you deserve and maybe die in the process? so what if they gone kill you anyway?

you know they out to kill us anyway. this is the land of the free and the home of the brave. you gotta be brave to be free. we caged or running the streets. "Ye though I walk throw the valley of the shadow of death i shall fear no evil-" trust yourself and give it to the universe.

We will prevail. We will prevail. We will prevail.

your God already knows your heart, learn yourself and fight like hell for peace, equality, and harmony.

-Almasi

[themicahjea]

My 2 0 1 9

I started my year as a freshman student in college, figuring things out and is really confused as to what i was doing and what direction am i heading. I wasn’t doing well in my studies since i had a “transfer shock” and literally only had 2 weeks of “summer break”. By the second semester, i was physically and mentally tired—this also means that my emotional status is not as strong as it was the previous years. The first day of the first month of year, i remember writing a note somewhere and wrote my feelings out. I was really sad. My mental health was affected by the things happening around me — obviously, i wasn’t doing well at the beginning of this year.

February came. I just had my midterms exam when my sister broke the news that my dog died. My sweetest little boy, Gift, just turned 1 and he died. I felt worse. I felt like i failed as a fur momma. I felt like i failed him. I cried so many nights, and it didn’t help that my roommates keep on reminding me about his death as if it was nothing to me. March. The last hurrah of the semester. My friends and I were planning about our Siquijor trip, took the finals — which i THOUGHT i did good. I finished my NSTP and said goodbye to my tut-tees. They are so precious, i could hug them — then went on to the trip. I went cliff jumping, lots of swimming, attended a sponge cola concert which surprised me because the lead vocalist of the band recognized me. That night, my friends went drinking. I drank a little but i poured more softdrinks than the actual gin. THAT was when my “friends” babbled and said “the gin doesn’t taste good anymore because we’re out of softdrinks”. It was a heckin small problem but they made it seem really big. — that’s when i knew that that “friendship” is not gonna last. I was right. I didn’t hang on to them anyways so it didn’t really hurt. Lol. April and May, it was summer break! Finally! I spent most of my time at home, soaking everything up before school starts again. Last April, i attended our church’s annual youth camp. It was a three-day-camp where you just learn about certain people in the Bible and their way of living and how God sustained them. It was also a team building camp and let me tell you, THIS CAMP HELPED ME. A LOT.  — aside from the camp, we went on different short trips, here and there. Also, the whole summer break was filled with me getting some rest and watching the whole Avengers movies, from ‘The First Avenger’ down to ‘Infinity War’. I basically became a fan. It was the 12th of May when my friend, Shayne asked me if i could watch Avengers Endgame with her since she wants to watch it again. I said yes. I knew how it would end since I’ve seen some scenes on twitter and my sister’s friend spoiled the heck out of me — BUT THAT DID NOT STOP ME FROM CRYING! It was so embarrassing to get out of the theater with VERY swollen eyes. It was probably the most heartbreaking film i watched this year.  June, school started, again. SOPHOMORE YEAAAAAR! I kinda know what my classmates are , where they’re from and what they’re attitudes are. I was MORE cautious this time. I only spend time with Ross, Angela and Charlene. In fact, i went to Bohol with Ross and Angela!  July. Right before my birthday, my family and churchmates went on a trip in Palawan. Enjoyed every bit of it. My birthday came and it was all fun, until it took a turn on the 17th. I got robbed. Lol, i knew that man was up to no good. My body told me that. My intuition told me not to trust him but oop, i dont know why i still gave him my money... idk. Two days later, i went to the police station to file a report and it turns out, there’s another man who’s looking for the SAME man. He was robbed by the same man as well. This was when i realized what God meant when He said that the love for money is not good and is a sin. I realized what a man can do to be able to get your money. August, i went to Bohol for a weekend! It was one of the most spontaneous trips I’ve ever taken. I went to Bohol to watch a movie. Yes. I went there to watch ‘The Art of Racing in the Rain’. I pranked a few of my close friends that i was pregnant which was surprisingly a success. They really thought i was. Lol. It was also “Hibalag”! Took the midterm exams and then celebrated the festival. All i did was stay in the booth for certain period of times. Bought some stickers. I went home for a little bit to meet the newest member of the fam, little Miss Potts. We bonded and watched a little bit of Avengers endgame. September went by so fast, i cant even remember what happened. Basically, i went back to Dumaguete. Then i received another news from my family that Miss Potts escaped the gate and is missing. I did my very best to look for her so does my family but nobody turned her in. I couldn’t  believe i lost 2 dogs this year and it’s heart breaking. — but right after Potts was gone, we have been blessed with another pup. My mom’s friend made us adopt him since she has tons of dogs already and she doesn’t have enough space. We, well i, was supposed to name him ‘Stark’ to keep the “one-syllable-name-for-the-pets” rule. But when i saw him, i knew Stark wasn’t his name. When my aunt called him ‘Happy’ since he made the whole house happy again, since Pott’s gone, it clicked. It wasn’t a one syllable name but Happy suits him. Happy’s also the name of Tony Stark’s head of security, anyways so...  Also, I guess i was so drowned with all the school works i had to do that time. I. Was. LOADED! I even attended a climate strike!. But thank you Lord, i was STILL able to nap in between lunch breaks and classes. My sister and my cousin also visited me in the campus and stayed for 3 days! We went on a lot of food trips, we can’t even take it anymore! October means semestral break— but there’s always rain before the rainbow comes, right? Thankfully for my minor subjects, all we had to do were requirements like making a video, recording songs as well as plays. I was the lucky one who was picked as the Basilio of the group. Being the Basilio means i have TONS OF LINES, but the Lord sustained me. I was able to master my lines and delivered them without any mistakes on stage.i also made new friends. Looools. After the finals, i went home to my family. I went home to a news which would be my fall for the next few months. I received a news that involves my parents. Im not gonna elaborate but because of these information, i had several mental breakdowns and at one point, the one thing i don’t want to happen, happened. I melted down in front of my sister. Personally, i don’t want her to see me cry. I don’t want her to see me at my weakest point. This month started t all. Started all my emotional breakdowns and my anxiety is back from its grave. I really thought I’d  already heal because i also went to my father’s home town to just have an emotional closure with the place. I visited some of the places i used to play in and visited my elementary school and the friends i used to play with. I really thought I’d be fine, but no. I was so so so stressed that the whole 2 weeks of my break, i was just lying down, wasn’t able to do a thing. I cant even eat. I got the flu. I was SO weak and couldn’t move. November. I went home for a little bit because of intramural break and went home again for The Jesus Reigns celebration because my sister performed on stage for the second year!!! Im so proud!  December. I was home early. I went home on the 13th so i could attend my sister’s birthday party. Outside the house, it’s full of fun. Went out a bunch of times with my churchmates, bonded with them, we attended our church’s annual thanksgiving which i enjoyed, my sister and i was able to hang out in achi joanne’s house a lot more late. I went swimming with my friends, everything is actually fine outside. But then when im inside the house, it feels like im suffocating. I cant move well. I cant feel well. I honestly dont know how and what to feel right now. On Christmas day, i ate processed/packed chocolate chip cookies for Noche Buena instead of tita mom’s lumpia and then i cried. I didn’t even get a family photo for this year’s holiday season. I really really dont know. I feel numb and unable. I long for the connection with God which i know i have to work on. I’m so down and depression is eating me ones more. Little by little. Right now, i feel like I’m  fat Thor Odinson. Depressed and feels like he failed with his mission in killing Thanos... I’m in a battle of my inner Thanos right now. I’m not losing but he isn’t either. But i know, I’m going to win this Battle because it is not I that’s handling it. It is God. I know He’s got my back and I’ll win because a child of Gos is NEVER a loser. I’m gonna win this fight, and just like what Cap said,  Whatever it takes. I’ll do whatever it takes to win this fight. To win this Battle. This situation that I’m in right now should not really affect me in any way because i know that God’s with me and He’s going to fight for me. My life is “Father-filtered” which means whatever I’m going through right now, God has allowed it to happen. WHY? Because He is preparing me for my future battles. He wants me to gain more strength to carry on.  I know that all these BREAKDOWNS of mine will become BREAKTHROUGHS. I know it and i believe in it. I trust in the Lord. 2020, Get ready for a stronger Micah. She’s not gonna give up on whatever you throw on her because her God is bigger than those problems. 

 Happy New Year Everyone!

God Bless You All! 

[chicken2potato]

7/26/19

I remember the night it happened. I felt bad for you. I did. But I also had such hope.

'This is it.'

'He's going to finally leave her.'

'We can finally be together again.'

I remember I was trying to help you. I could tell you didn't really want help from me though. I don't blame you.

You messaged me that Thanksgiving morning. You asked if we could talk. I was pissed off at you. I think you ignored me for a day or so, assuming because you were trying to fix things. But I was mad. I thought this gave us the opportunity we were always talking about and you weren't going for it. I was pissed. I told you I was with family and I'd talk later. I hadnt even left the house yet to go see them, I just wasn't ready to talk to you.

I messaged later that day. I don't remember what. But I remember asking if we were still friends, you never answered me.

Come the next school day I remember trying to get some clues from you, trying to read your facial expressions, trying to understand what happened, trying not to accept that I already knew.

You picked her.

I was devastated for months. I stayed up crying in my bed. Asking someone, anyone, why? Laying in bed asking the air why? Why would he say all those things and do the opposite? He told me he loved me. He told me he was scared of her. He told me he was going to leave her one day. But he never did. Instead he left me. He pretended like I didn't exist for 4 months.

I remember when I got the message request. Even before I clicked on it I knew it was from you. I actually didn't click on it for a day or so. Just because I wanted to ignore you like you ignored me. I couldn't do it. So I opened it. Did what you said. Next thing I knew we were talking again. I don't really remember too much of how it happened. I think I intentionally forgot things. Maybe because I didnt want to deal with the emotions? I'm not sure.

I understand why you chose her. To be honest, if I was in the same position, I can't say I wouldnt have done the same thing. Truth be told, I dont know what I would have done.

It still messes with me. I have a lot of trust issues. I still trust people though, I'm always trying to find the good in people, hoping that they aren't like the last person.

My dad was probably the one to start it off. I mean, its my dad, I'm supposed to be his little girl. Instead I was nothing to him.

My brother dealt with a lot. Out stepfather was really abusive towards him and he took it out on me. Choked me, held knives to my throat, hit me, and things I'll never tell anyone. It hurt dealing with him at home and bullying at school.

In 8th grade was when it started. Someone had mentioned that they did it. They had told me their back story and why they did it. I thought maybe it would help me, too. Go figure the first ones that I ever did to myself left the most prominent scarring. I think its kind of ironic, to be honest. A constant reminder of everything. I don't even think they've faded at all over the years. They're just there.

I started to really get into church. I think I may have been looking for an escape. Something to help me. I didnt have anyone at home. My mom tried, but she was a single mom. She had to work a lot to support us so she wasn't around that often. Its not her fault. But I didn't have anyone. The church people became my family. I just always felt that I could be myself around them.

Hana and I became best friends. She probably knows the most right behind you. She was there for a lot of it. She was the first person to know what I was doing. She helped me get out of it. And through it all she still loves me. Sometimes I think that's why even though I hate trusting people, I still do it. Because of her. Because I think to myself, 'If she is in my life, seen everything thats happened, and still chose to love me, maybe there are others out there just like her.'

Then you came into my life. I remember sitting in the biology class. For some reason I kept feeling like I was drawn to you. Like I knew you were going to be my friend. I dont know how I knew it, I just did.

I don't remember if our first conversation was talking about scircles and snausages (I think thats what it was), or the one day we were outside eating and you told the story of your dead hamster. I fell in love with your personality. I knew I had to be friends with you. I just had to talk to you. I was more shy back then and I'm pretty sure you're the one who kept it going.

We became best friends. You made Gardiner a million times better. You made Gardiner finally feel like home.

I have a lot of regrets. I have a lot of wishes as well. I still day dream about our farm down in Georgia. I still think about what it would be like. A huge part of me wishes things had gone differently. I miss you. So much. Its so hard working with you. There's so many times where reaching for your hand still feels like an instinct and I have to stop myself. Its been years. I don't think thats ever going to leave. I dont think my love for you will ever go away.

I don't want you or her to worry though. I'm not going to act on anything. You guys are married. You have the rest of your lives together and I think you guys are gonna make it. Sure, I wish it was me, but I'm happy that you're happy.

I will always love you. Being with Cub was weird for me. I think because I thought about you a lot. He would say something and it would remind me of you and for a moment I would wish I could go back and give you one more hug. I didn't think I was ever going to see you again.

But it wasn't a good relationship. I think he was using me. He pushed a lot to do stuff with me. I don't know if you know the story of David from the Bible, but basically he was somewhere where he wasn't supposed to be, committed adultery, and then plotted murder to cover it up. But in the Bible he was also called a man after God's own heart. He tried to use David as an excuse to do stuff. He said if David could do all that and still be called a man after Gods own heart than it can't be that bad. But the difference between him and David is that David knew it was wrong and tried to fix it. Cub knew it was wrong and didn't care.

He told me he loved me and that if he didn't love me he wouldn't be treating me like he was, essentially saying that by doing what we were he was showing me his love. But doing things like that isn't the only way to show you love somebody.

I broke up with him. Within a week he had moved onto another girl. He went from saying he knew it was Gods will to saying if God was telling him to move on he would in a matter of three days.

He told me he loved me. We did things. And then he just treated me like I never existed. It reminded me a lot of you. From that time. I was always thinking to myself that I should get used to being single. Guys only come around for what they want and then leave. They tell you they love you until they get what they want. Or get caught.

To be honest, I dont know if I will ever get with someone. I think I want to. But I'm so scared. So many people have done so much. They've used me and I dont know how much more I can take of it. I try to see the best in people but its getting harder to. I don't want that to happen.

I dont know where life will take me. I don't know who I will meet. I don't know what will happen even a year from now. I dont know how others will treat me, but I know how I will treat others. I've learned a lot over the past few years. My mistakes have taught me a lot. I just pray that I can treat the next person better than the last. I just hope I can be a better person and stop hurting others.

Life is crazy. You never know whats going to happen.