#and he wouldn't straight up loathe and resent my very needy unproductive ass...hm

[nyandereneko]

Something that's stood out to me and ended up meaning a lot to me because my self esteem is nonexistent...I think part of what draws me to Hei so intensely is that he’ll keep anyone around him that he cares about regardless of whether they drag him down or not. Like, he did everything, and I mean everything for Yin when they were on the run, because she literally can’t/couldn’t do anything for herself. He fed them both, found places for them to stay, arranged all of their lodging and transportation, made sure they had suitable clothes and just the basic necessities in general to survive, and singlehandedly fought the waves and waves of enemies the Syndicate sent after them to exterminate them. I mean, her autonomy was developing, but aside from that she wouldn’t be able to help him do anything utility wise anyway, all she can do is keep watch. She can’t fight or take care of any maintenance things or even really interact with people...

And I’d have to go back and find the actual context/quote but in the manga that’s set between seasons people ask Hei multiple times why he’s carrying dead weight, why he brings “useless” people with him into battle, why he keeps them close despite the fact that they can’t do anything to help him or make things easier, they only make things more difficult because it’s just more for him to worry about/keep track of than just himself...but aside from not giving an answer, he also just doesn’t care. Like. He keeps them around because he wants to, period. Doesn’t matter how much harder it makes things for him, doesn’t matter if they’re helpful or completely useless. He cares for Yin so guess what, Yin sticks by his side no matter what. Of course, there’s also the fact that she’s the only one that can snap him out of things, so like usually if his mind is being manipulated by a power or something, hearing her say his name helps because it gets him back in working order quicker than if he tried to break through or fight the influence himself...but still. The fact that other people in universe point out that he keeps “dead weight” around because he wants to, and it doesn’t bother him, or at least not enough to do anything to change his habits, means a lot to me. Because any time I start feeling bad about myself (which is just. Perpetually lmao) and I worry I wouldn’t be helpful or useful enough, at least I can fall back on the idea that I’d be slightly above that baseline because I can take care of basic tasks and would actually insist on doing so...so that’s already some benefit in my favor lmao.

And that doesn’t even factor in that Nova is genuinely helpful in a lot of different ways, she can fight to a certain extent and she has healing powers which are, quite literally, a lifesaver...but sometimes I just gotta try to feel better about plain old lame unimpressive me in general, even though I’d never pair him with me in that way, I prefer to use Nova as my catalyst for shipping because she’s actually fun and more worthwhile than plain old me...but it’s nice to think that he might still be inclined to keep plain old me around under different circumstances, just because that’s the kind of person he is.