#and hes also one of those 'weed is gonna make u worse and ur gonna be Mega Sad'

[pedroassmanpascal]

i miss my primary psychiatrist :(

[kyliexc]

BUENAAAASSSSSSSSSS ! soy yo , mini from da 6ix , again . coming at you with my original kid . she’s changed just a bit , but still pretty much a god damn  M E S S .  and bad bunny’s vete came on shuffle soOoOooOoooOOOOOOOOOOOOO LEGGO !

chicago’s very own Kylie Castillo has been spotted on madison avenue driving a BMW X5 , welcome ! your resemblance to Becky G is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your twenty second birthday bash  . your chance of surviving new york is uncertain because you’re impulsive , but being loyal might help you . i think being a Aries explains that .  3 things that would paint  a  better picture of you would be a bottle of patron, late night partying and 20grams of weed . 

hit the mfng like button for plots bc I WILL mssge u or else

BASICS ! 

Full Name: kylie valentina castillo

Nickname(s): ky, kyky, k, kybby

Age: 22

Height: 5 ft

Date of Birth: April 15th 1997

Zodiac sign: aries

Hogwarts house: slythindor (slytherin + gryffindor)

Ethnicity: mexican

Nationality: american

Gender: cis female

Pronouns: she/her

Orientation: bisexual

Religion: agnostic-catholic

Tattoos: a peach on her ass, #2 tramp stamp and canon becky g tattoos

Language(s) Spoken: english + spanish

Accent: american with a hint of spanish

BACK STORY ! 

kylie castillo is the third born child from alejandro and lupe castillo ! alejandro was a renowned soccer player from jalisco, mexico . he played for the mexican national team AND for Barcelona FC . lupe castillo is also from jalisco , mexico , but she attended school in spain where she began as a seamstress for a small vintage boutique before going off on her own to start her own exclusive brand that made it big - as in , only those who could really afford the clothing could wear it . lupe is owner to ROSARIO . lupe and alejandro met in spain , but ultimately moved to chicago to settle down with their kids since kylie’s paternal grandparents lived there.

Kylie was born in Chicago , Illinois , but throughout her childhood , she bounced between Chicago, Los Angeles , and Barcelona ! 

kylie took after her dad , immediately falling in love with soccer since she was little . it wasn’t like the castillos pushed her into it , she found the sport herself . kylie , along with her siblings were a sports family in general . most of her siblings got into some sport growing up , whether they took it seriously or not was up to them , but kylie definitely did. 

kylie and her dad are really close for the fact that he basically coached her throughout her entire athletic career . kylie is very competitive because of this , and super into keeping herself fit . she sees a goal , she wants it , and she’ll do anything to get it . her jersey is #3 !

besides soccer , she really loves to sing and it came out of nowhere but it was due to all the family parties she has . often an acoustic guitar would be brought out and everyone , including kylie would be singing along to vincente fernandez - heck , you know the castillos hired a mariachi band to be part of these gatherings . 

ky spent a lot of time with her grandparents who would ALWAYS be blasting old mariachi / love songs , singing at the top of their lungs to each other , and from this kylie enjoyed what music did for her . performing was just another thing that came easy to her . the stage , whether it be an actual stage or just a small little space where she was surrounded by family , it was home to her , and she was never afraid . the one place where she could vocally express herself is through her lyrics . ky and her cousins often would write down song lyrics , pretend to perform for thousands of people - but it wasn’t something she ever thought she’d do . it was just for fun , and she took up extra curriculars besides soccer that related to it . i . e dance , acting , etc. 

yet , that was something else , her eyes were on the prize , and that was soccer . sort of . 

kylie had everything set for her to continue playing soccer after high school , to eventually make it onto the US Women’s Soccer team - yet she deadass started to slowly give it all up at the beginning of her 4th year of high school , hanging with the stoner kids , practicing less , putting less effort. she eventually found the underground rap scene -  she loved soccer , but it was time for something else , especially when her dad was mad at her , the field didn’t feel like home like the stage did .

on soundcloud , and youtube , kylie lent her vocals to some guys she met , being on their tracks . her sound was unique because she sang and rapped in both spanish and english . she was earning a name online , her followers going up and tbh , she wasn’t trying but it came to her and when she saw the numbers rise , and her name get out there a bit . she rlly started working on that part of her life . 

A MESS ?! * TW : abortion , drugs , etc .

in high school , she met giovanni ho ho hoe narciso . they were friends for a long time until finally , they started dating . definitely one of the reasons, but not the main reason why she also didn’t care about the sport as much - but kylie’s dad blamed gio a lot fo kylie not playing soccer . so her dad didn’t like gio , and to make matters worse , he didn’t like gio’s dad . so it was a HOT MESS . kylie ultimately had to choose between her family and gio , and when she said yes to marrying gio , she chose gio .  

18 years old and she ran off to marry gio - except that didn’t happen . 

she woke up one morning , he was gone and she couldn’t get a hold of him anymore . ky really didn’t have a choice besides going back to her family , and BET her dad was all ‘i told you so’ 

she couldn’t contact gio but YOU BET she ended up finding him eventually to get in the lasdt mfng word but that conversation ended up with her just being hurt , and it was the last time she really saw gio . he moved on , whether she believed it or not , he did .

so fast forward not long after that meeting . kylie found out she’s pregnant . obviously , it was gio’s . and she had two choices , keep it or get rid of it . 

without telling anyone , except her best friend , kylie got an abortion . which , no one knows , not even her family , not even gio .

SECRET ! 

        ***again , not many people know this ? but the                  one above is a secret too ?? she’s just full of          secrets. JKFDHDFKG

from 20 - 21 , kylie moved out , hopping from place to place within chicago . but she definitely went off grid . not caring for social media , not contacting her parents . 

kylie went into a strip club and at first it was for jokes , but when she got on the pole - she was actually good ?? JDKHGDKFJHDFKJH so the manager offered her a job and well , bitch took it . so she did that for a year , hanging with the wrong crowd, drinking every day , smoking weed which is a staple for her , but she started to do blow - which is .. not a staple for her . it was a dangerous year for kylie .

but doing blow , and selling it for awhile while working the pole gave her the connections she needed to meet rich guys with status in the music industry. 

so eventually , her EP made it in the hands of a producer for sony music latin . 

so she left the pole and started being featured with big time Latin names 

think cardi b’s start up and yeah , she definitely drugged men and stole from them while doing this too DKJGFHDKFJ

PERSONALITY + CURRENT SITUATION !

kylie’s back bitches ! as in people already knew her but she’s been M.I.A for a year , so she’s back and ppl are like wtf KDJGHDKFJGHSFKDJ and she lives in New York now

currently she’s working on her first album release.

besides the mess , she’s a GOD DAMN GOOD TIME. if you ever need to get drunk and party. kylie is your girl . if you need to get fucked up, you better have her on speed dial.

kylie’s the bitch with the bottle of patron , serving tequila shots , and then dancing on top of tables.

highkey always ready for a fight . she doesn’t care where she is , she will always SWING. don’t play games thinking she’s gonna back down from a fight bc she won’t. if u want a fight , ky will give u one KJDHGKSFJDHGKSDJGH talk shit get hit is her motto and i hate her for it

she has a black cat named mijo

her friends and family are the loves of her life . literally , if you mean something to her , there’s nothing she won’t do for you . she will ADORE YOU

if ur her enemy .... that’s fun too. :)

confident AF

she’s an all around bitch i hate her , but she’s a mess , and she’s funny , and she’s too much sometimes .

too stubborn for her own good all the time bc she thinks she’s always right. 

she’s also really goofy when she wants to be

has a hell of a good work ethic , will get shit done when it needs to be done . is definitely the pushy friend to encourage others to do the same.

BEST HYPE WOMAN EVER

she loves assholes.

her lito, lita, ita, tito {grandparents} are her favourite people ever

will cuss you out in spanish and english

hella hot tempered and uhm...

YEAH THERE’S A LOT BUT YEAH I THINK I GOT IT COVERED KGJHDSKFHG

[cravingcrazewriting]

youwillbefound.org

Trigger Warning- Mentions of suicide attempt and suicidal thoughts.

youwillbefound.com is a safe haven for any troubled teens/young adults who are looking for someone to find them. This site intends on being a place to reach out to others and to find them as you wold want yourself. Harassment is strictly prohibited. If we find you are abusing this site to target and harass people who are suicidal then you will be banned firstly for a week, secondly for a month, and thirdly will be a permanent ban and removal of your account. We hope you find whatever you're looking for on youwillbefound.com and we wish you the best of luck! Have a fantastic day!

What was Evan doing?

It wasn't like him to get a social media. It wasn't like him to rely so much on people, but yet he did, for no reason whatsoever. He did meet someone who he could trust, and needed help as much as he did. It was nice. He only had a few other friends who friended him out of pity.

He was currently on his laptop, writing his therapy letter, when he heard his phone go off.

HighandAllMighty: hey dude, wuts up?

Evan made a smile. High, that's what Evan nicknamed him due to privacy issues, was one of his closest friends, he'd even call him a best friend. High suffered from Anxiety and Bipolar, and had a very hard time making friends due to all of his outbursts. On the internet, he was able to calm himself down and not act rashly, but sometimes would assume the worst and snap at Evan a few times, but when that did happen, he'd awake to multiple apologizes from High.

High admitted to smoking openly, from cigarettes to weed, mainly because the way it calmed him down and less likely to snap at people. Evan didn't really mind this, since High's parents didn't get him any medication to him. If it helped, then that was that.

AnAnxiousTeen: Nothing much, just sitting in bed. I might write my therapy letter soon. What about you?

HighandAllMighty: sweet. Honestly I'm just dazing in and out atm. Me and my family just ate and my dad is trying to start shit again. HighandAllMighty: so the usual bs

AnAnxiousTeen: I'm so sorry.. I wish I could help you.

HighandAllMighty: Nah, don't be. U should probably start your letter.

AnAnxiousTeen: Well you know I hate writing them so I'd rather not heh

HighandAllMighty: hey, can I ask u something kinda important?

AnAnxiousTeen: Sure! Ask away!

HighandAllMighty: can we FaceTime? HighandAllMighty: I know u might not want to bc of ur anxiety HighandAllMighty: it was just something I wanted to try, if you wanted to at least

AnAnxiousTeen: I'm.. not sure.. I need time to think this over. AnAnxiousTeen: My mom is still home, so I can't right now.

HighandAllMighty: I understand. It's ok

Evan was trying not to freak out.

He was scared. He was scared he'd disappoint High. Incredibly scared of the mental image he imaged him looking like and being a huge let down and not being able to say anything and make things ten times worse than what they are and-

"Honey! I'm heading out! There's a twenty on the counter! Please get something to eat while I'm gone! Love you, bye!" Heidi called from downstairs, pulling Evan out of his thoughts. A moment later a door closing could be heard.

Evan sighed and ran his fingers through his messy blonde hair. There was another complication; he had completely fallen for High, one hundred percent in love.

HighandAllMighty: ah man, I'm rlly srry. My dad is gonna take my phone. HighandAllMighty: we'll talk later, k?

AnAnxiousTeen: I understand. I'll see you when you get back!

HighandAllMighty: in one week. Bye bud

Evan laid down on his bed. A whole week?! This obviously wasn't the first time it happened, but would that stop him from missing him? No. Definitely not. It'd be a lonely week without him.

This would be a long week

~~~ It was only Tuesday.

High had his phone taken on Saturday, so they were completely out of touch for tree days straight so far, and Evan was miserable and lonely.

Evan was sitting in his room, unenthusiastically working on homework. He was sinking into a depressive state. He'd never admit to it, but there was something wrong, that he just wasn't happy. He let out a sigh, setting his pencil down and grabbing his phone. The only notifications he had was some posts from people he liked, and a text from Jared.

Jared K: U have math done?

Evan H: -Evan H has sent a picture-

Jared K: thanks

Well, that made Evan feel even more like shit. It made him feel like Jared would only miss him for his car insurance if he suddenly disappeared. Hell, his mom would have it easier if he was gone. And High.. he was just a burden to him. Fuck it, he needed to vent.

AnAnxiousTeen has posted a status update: I'm always being told that things will get better, that I'll find someway to deal with my social anxiety, but nothing is seeming to be working. No one would notice if I suddenly left, if this account was suddenly shut down, maybe except for @HighandAllMighty but if I'm being honest, I'd be doing him a favor. I wish that things were different. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. Because let's face it. Would anyone here notice if I disappeared tomorrow?

After posting his update, he got a handful of responses, that mainly said stuff among the lines of "I'd notice! Please don't do anything rash!". It didn't feel real to Evan. He knew how this stuff worked. After a week of his death, people would forget him. All he could think of was how thankful his anxiety held him back from another attempt.

AnAnxiousTeen has posted a status update: If a tree falls in a forest, and no one is around to hear it, does it ever make a sound?

There was a lot of debate about this one. No one saw the hidden subtext, that he fell-no, let go of the branch that was holding him and was now restrained to a cast. It made his stomach do a cartwheel at the thought.

AnAnxiousTeen has posted a status update: Sorry for all the depressing stuff tonight. I'm going offline to hit the hay early.

Well, that wasn't a total lie. He had homework to do first, then he'd probably lay in bed till sleep took him away.

And that's exactly what he did.

~~~ HighandAllMighty: why didn't you tell me how you were feeling?

High was back, early, and Evan was downright terrified.

Unlike before, he used almost perfect spelling and grammar, something he'd only do in serious situations. Evan hated confrontation, so so much.

AnAnxiousTeen: I'm sorry.. I didn't want to be a burden...

HighandAllMighty: you could never burden me with your problems. HighandAllMighty: we have to look out for each other, otherwise we'll loose us both. HighandAllMighty: I want to video chat with you. I want to see /you/. Let me help you. Please

Evan didn't really think when he answered. He didn't consider what his anxiety was telling him. He just had to make it up to High, especially with what he just put him through.

AnAnxiousTeen: Of course, just give me a few minutes to set up.

HighandAllMighty: thank you. I mean it

Evan let out a puff of air and set his phone down. His mom was home but sleeping, so he'd have to be quiet and not talk to loud, which wasn't a problem because he's.. him. He grabbed a set of dark blue headphones (he preferred them because they felt more comfortable on his ear) and plugged them into his phone. He made sure they worked okay and sent High a message.

AnAnxiousTeen: I'm ready. Can you send the request?

-HighandAllMighty has sent you a Face Time Request!-

-x Accept x or x Decline x-

Evan hesitantly hit the accept key and sat down on his bed, tidying up his shirt and hair while it loaded. Things'll be fine. They'll be perfectly okay. Just stay completely calm, don't fuck anything up, and your guys' friendship will be saved.

A minute later, the Face Time had finished loading, and on Evan's screen he was greeted to a pale skinned boy with long brown hair that went down to his shoulders, his eyes were blue but they had this brown glint to them that really made them stand out and made them so much more mesmerizing. He was wearing a simple black hoodie and the rest of his outfit Evan couldn't see.

The room Evan assumed was High's was messy, to say the least. Evan never understood how people could find what they needed in a mess. That's why he kept everything organized and clean, so if he needed to find anything, he could right away. It was an anxiety thing he couldn't get over. Evan also noticed the contrast of dark colors in High's room, that was mainly dark purple and black for the most part. Evan knew High enjoyed dark colors rather than light ones it made sense to why his room was painted that way.

Holy fuck was he hot or what?

"Um, hi! C-can you hear me o-okay?" Evan asked nervously, adjusting his headphones ever so slightly. He could hear some shuffling around so he took that as a good sign.

"Yeah, you're good. What about me on your end?" High asked, leaning back.

"Yo-you're good too," Evan nodded, confirming that he could hear him quite well. "Why did you w-want to call?"

"Well one, I wanted to see what you looked like, and two, I need to ask you a few other things, and this is the best way to see if you're lying or not," he simply said, shrugging his shoulders.

"O-okay, ask a-away," Evan smiled, shuffling slightly on his bed to get comfortable, waiting for whatever High was about to ask.

High inhaled, staying silent for a moment, before asking, "..Are you suicidal?"

Evan immediately tensed up. He hadn't put much thought into being depressed or suicidal, although he had those thoughts a lot he couldn't possibly be.. right? "I.. I don't know, a-actually... It could be a p-possibility, I do get suicidal thoughts and... a lot of self h-hate..."

High nodded slowly, picking at what appeared to be black nail polish. "Well, have you ever... attempted?"

Evan bit his lip, and he turned his gaze to his cast, although it wasn't planned, it still counted as one. He simply nodded his head. "It's.. s-scary..."

High let out a sigh. "I know the feeling all too well.. Just, wanting it all to end, but yet your anxiety is telling you not to, and you get so afraid.. I dunno, it's a reminder that you're still human I guess, attempting or not.."

"Honestly, it's m-my anxiety holding me b-back from trying a-again.. I'm scared I-I'll fail again.." Evan chuckled meekly, picking at his cast's plaster.

"Well, I'm glad," High smiled at him. "You don't know how much better you've made my life. I.. probably would've attempted again if I didn't know you.."

"Same with m-me. I'm.. so, so a-alone at school, I don't have any f-friends, and I was-well, still kinda- miserable. But, when we started t-talking, I didn't feel as alone a-anymore.." Evan admitted, blushing lightly.

"I wish I could meet you," High admitted. "I can tell no one's signed your cast still, and I really wanna fucking sign it. I.. I want to be by your side... Helping you order food, keeping you company, hell, I even know a few places down here you'd fucking adore and I know it.."

Evan smiled like a complete dork at these things. "That's s-so sweet.. You probably w-wouldn't like to meet me though.. I-I'd be so awkward.."

"Hey, don't put yourself down like that. I prefer awkward over cocky assholes any day," High said. "And like, not to mention you're a fucking amazing guy. Any girl would- fuck how do I phrase this?- well, she'd be pretty lucky to be with a guy like you," High told him, a noticeable blush appearing on his cheeks.

Evan blushed probably more than what he should've, but he couldn't help it. No one except his mom had said this type of stuff to him. "Honestly, t-thank you.."

"Okay, secondly, I need to tell you something really important. I hope it won't weird you out or anything but here it goes.. I really, really like you- and I don't mean that in the friendly way, I mean like- fuck this is harder to explain than I thought. Look.. I'm, head over heels in love with you, man.." High finished.

Evan was in pure shock. He had his hand on his mouth and felt like he could've cried. All that his mind could register was he liked him back. Holy fuck, he never thought he'd see the day his feelings would be returned. He could process words, he moved his hand away from his mouth, revealing a huge smile he was wearing and said hand anxiously ran through his hair.

"Holy f-fuck.. I.. I didn't think you'd l-like me back, so I never said anything.. Oh my god, t-this is incredible!" Evan admitted, watching the brunette's shocked expression turn into a smile.

"Holy shit, you actually like me?" High asked, and Evan nodded to him, he'd proudly admit to it, because now he had nothing else to loose.

"Does this mean we're like.. a thing or..?" High trailed off, and Evan laughed, saying, "Maybe! I t-think We should try."

High smiled at him, "I'd love to date you.. even if it's long distance.."

"Can I a-ask you something?" Evan smiled sheepishly, tugging lightly at his shirt while High responded with a "You can ask me anything you want to."

"What-what's your a-actual name?" Evan asked slowly, as stated earlier, they both kept their names a secret for privacy, but Evan was too curious to contain himself from keeping the question residing in his mind.

"It's Connor. What about you?" High- no, Connor returned his question, gazing at him with a loving gaze.

"I l-like to go by Evan.." Evan hoped that would satisfy him, because who'd want to date a guy with a name like Mark? No one, that's for sure.

"It suits you," Connor stated. "A wonderful name for a wonderful boy."

Evan flushed at his comment. "Well er- it's n-not as beautiful as 'Connor'. It, it fits you, so so well.."

"Are you calling me beautiful?" Connor teased him, and Evan just laughed.

The two ended up chatting for an entire two hours, enjoying whatever they could get out of each other's presence. They were both hopelessly in love, despite distance keeping them apart, they hoped they would one day meet in person.

That would be more than enough for them both.

A/N-I fucking love this AU so much?? I loved writing every second of it,and going over 2000 words better prove it.

Anyways I'm opening up requests! I don't have a lot of ideas so please request so I can keep updating this book! Thanks a ton!

[littlelovelymemes]

✰ * º ❛ even more popular text posts ask meme. ❜

‘  my kink is getting some fuckin sleep.  ’ ‘  omg here goes your lil crybaby ass.  ’ ‘  the beatles wouldn’t even fucking exist if big time rush hadn’t paved the path for them so shut the fuck up.  ’ ‘  don’t start buddy. don’t you dare.  ’ ‘  gay rights? true, as a gay, i am always right.  ’ ‘  not to vent, but: fuck.  ’ ‘  the worst pain is to make small talk with someone you once told everything to.  ’ ‘  i think i accidentally break my own heart a lot.  ’ ‘  sometimes ‘brb’ stands for ‘be ready bitch’ so you have to be careful.  ’ ‘  i want to kiss you in a way that makes you not want to kiss anyone else ever again.  ’ ‘  shout out to the people who are still friends with me even though i’m a fucking idiot.  ’ ‘  it’s safe to assume that at any given moment i want to go back to bed.  ’ ‘  i’m a big fan of anything that will help me chill the fuck out.  ’ ‘  i don’t go through people’s pictures on their phone cause i wasn’t raised in the jungle.  ’ ‘  i think we, as a people, just need to have a glass of water.  ’ ‘  i don’t have enough black clothes.  ’ ‘  sweetie, i could sleep for ten years and i’d still be tired.  ’ ‘  i would sleep so much better with your arms wrapped around me.  ’ ‘  me??? tired??? sleepy??? yes, constantly.  ’ ‘  i’m pb&j -- petty, bitter, and jealous.  ’ ‘  the fact that sloths aren’t extinct somehow proves that if you go at your own pace and mind your own fucking business you too can succeed.  ’ ‘  i wish i could be the person i want to be, but i’m too tired.  ’ ‘  i always look sleep deprived. is that hot?  ’ ‘  just because there’s always room for improvement doesn’t mean you’ll never be good enough.  ’ ‘  my heart is a soft and sensitive mess.  ’ ‘  all i want is a big garden and no responsibilities.  ’ ‘  honestly someone not liking beyonce is a deal breaker and not for any political reasons, but just like you’re probably, definitely really boring.  ’ ‘  hey guys, i’m a huge fan of genuine love and affection.  ’ ‘  now i’m falling asleep and she’s calling a crab and he’s having a smoke and she’s kissing the crab.  ’ ‘  i’ve been ever since i heard ‘lonely’ by akon at 9 years-old.  ’ ‘  my new years resolution is to stop.  ’ ‘  i’m irritated cause i’m not lovable in a romantic soulmate way.  ’ ‘  i hate knowing that people that ruined parts of me still live and function like nothing ever happened.  ’ ‘  i know i’m cute, but you can remind me.  ’ ‘  hey, just wondering, but are you fucking kidding me????  ’ ‘  i can’t wait to be in love with someone who is also deepfuck in love with me and we love each other forever n’ ever.  ’ ‘  me? clingy? yes. please don’t leave me.  ’ ‘  girlfriend application compatibility question: do you keep your depression pile on the bed or on the floor?  ’ ‘  anything heart shaped is automatically 200% better. this is a fact.  ’ ‘  today’s agenda: screaming into the abyss.  ’ ‘  going from ‘today is a good day’ to ‘i hate my life’ takes me approximately 2.6 seconds.  ’ ‘  everyone needs to wash their face and go to bed.  ’ ‘  i’m worth so much more than the ways i’ve been treated.  ’ ‘  hey, can i claim you guys as dependents on my taxes?  ’ ‘  i really just ignore phone calls. like leave a message. i don’t check those either but like  ’ ‘  i honestly just want to pack my bags and go travel the world and see and explore everything possible.  ’ ‘  remember being little and thinking dandelions were fun or a pretty color or something and every adult in an 80 mile radius wouldn’t let you say that without screaming IT’S A WEED.  ’ ‘  why did we just accept catdog?  ’ ‘  my ‘stay in bed all day’ game’s too strong.  ’ ‘  you deserve to be loved without having to hide the parts of yourself that you think are unlovable.  ’ ‘  i always forget that i literally don’t owe anyone anything!  ’ ‘  i wonder what it feels like to know what the fuck is going on.  ’ ‘  honestly... us girls? us women? we always out here, knowin.  ’ ‘  would an alien think i’m pretty?  ’ ‘  i love boys, but only as a concept.  ’ ‘  why do parents get mad when you sleep in all day? like i’m staying out of trouble and i’m not spending your money like what’s the issue here????  ’ ‘  i identify as an inconvenience to the world.  ’ ‘  i seriously regret telling anyone, anything, ever lmao  ’ ‘  dating me is like dating a five year-old. i need all of your attention and i’m cranky if i haven’t had a nap.  ’ ‘  i’m literally tired of myself.  ’ ‘  don’t introduce me to ur parents unless you plan on marrying me because they’re going to love me and ask about me for the rest of your life lol  ’ ‘  what the hell is a straight person? only straight thing i know about is the edge of my beloved sword.  ’ ‘  i highly recommend never having feelings.  ’ ‘  self care is going into a cornfield at night to get abducted by aliens.  ’ ‘  staying up late with another human is such a weird thing like you get this special bond and a what-is-this feeling  ’ ‘  do u ever feel like ur not even friends with ur friends?  ’ ‘  um no offense but whom’st’ve going to loveth me?  ’ ‘  date a girl who fucks everything up.  ’ ‘  not all who mcfreakin wander are mcfreakin lost.  ’ ‘  i may legally be an adult but don’t be fooled. i have no idea what i’m doing.  ’ ‘  a fun and interesting fact about me is that i’m a fucking idiot.  ’ ‘  you can start again anytime!  ’ ‘  all you can do is learn your lesson. there’s no point in wishing you had did differently. the past is the past.  ’ ‘  i can’t believe an angel like me has to suffer so much.  ’ ‘  you’re all so obsessed with love and being loved. what about just going to sleep?  ’ ‘  i’m smart, but i do dumb shit anyway.  ’ ‘  tbh i never deal with my emotions. i just let them ravage my body and then go to bed and then i wake up and do it all over again.  ’ ‘  first of all: i don’t know shit, so jot that down.  ’ ‘  i’ll just ¯\ _(ツ)_/¯ my way through life.  ’ ‘  i’m tired of things costing money.  ’ ‘  don’t you hate it when you’re dead inside and run out of apps to refresh?  ’ ‘  who cares? do better, move on.  ’ ‘  i don’t need a significant other. just a significant income.  ’ ‘  appreciation for everyone who’s ever talked to me bc i’m annoying and dumb.  ’ ‘  thnks fr th mntl llnss.  ’ ‘  what  hasn’t killed me has just made me overly sensitive and defensive.  ’ ‘  i don’t know shit ya’ll!!!!! i’m just out here.  ’ ‘  binge-watching is great until you run out of the show and have to start watching it weekly like some sort of medieval peasant.  ’ ‘  i’m in the wrong realm and i think everyone can tell.  ’ ‘  this might come as a shock but I’m Not Feelin too good my dudes.  ’ ‘  i’m alive, but only ironically.  ’ ‘  there she goes again being over dramatic and by she, i mean me.  ’ ‘  do you ever feel like have tried Too Hard to a friend and now you have become That Obnoxious Weirdo?  ’ ‘  lgbt: lasagna! garfield’s beloved treat.  ’ ‘  my favorite phrase in the english language is ‘i shit you not.’  ’ ‘  i’m a real boring bitch! a snoozer!  ’ ‘  i honestly look so good lounging in an oversized t-shirt and no pants. when will someone experience the blessing of domestic living w/ me?  ’ ‘  you don’t understand how hard it is to take a selfie when you’re ugly.  ’ ‘  you son of a mumford!  ’ ‘  hi, i’m here to ruin everything.  ’ ‘  you can tell a lot about a person by looking at their hands. for example, if it’s a skeleton hand then they’re dead.  ’ ‘  the year is 2020 and i am found guilty of treason against the united states for vague blogging that i hate someone and donald trump thought it was about him.  ’ ‘  everybody calm down, we’re going to be fine! :))) we’ve weathered worse than this! :) :) :) :) really all this panic just seems like a huge overreaction imho   ’ ‘  no beta readers. we publish our crap writing like men.  ’ ‘  i need $$$$$ not feelings.  ’ ‘  ‘idk imma see’ = i ain’t coming, never was coming, never considered it, never gave it a single thought, only remembered cause you asked again.  ’ ‘  oops, i don’t care lol  ’ ‘  why girls always crop the halo out of their selfies? stop being so modest. we know the truth.  ’ ‘  maurice, you’re not gonna fucking believe this,  ’ ‘  i always get told i look like a bitch bc i’m always glaring while i walk, but i’m not glaring, i’m squinting. i have sensitive eyes. they’re watering.  ’ ‘  concept: it’s 3 am. candle lit room. a record is spinning. you’re kissing me. we have no worries in the world. we’re warm and content.  ’ ‘  i need to go into the forest and scream for an hour and a half.  ’ ‘  pls kill all men who yell at girls from cars.  ’ ‘  life really isn’t what i expected it to be. less quicksand. almost no quicksand to be honest. lots of metaphorical quicksand tho.  ’ ‘  i have a question for u: like are u done... like is it over?  ’ ‘  we all have that one person who ruins your day by being alive.  ’ ‘  we all have that one person who ruins your day by being alive. for me, it’s myself.  ’ ‘  whenever i see police i always try not to act suspicious and fail internally even though i never did anything wrong.  ’ ‘  new years resolution: less bitter, more glitter.  ’

[mujer--solitaria]

What have u just learned?

That ur body knows u better than u can rationalize it.

There are these very distinct episodes or events in my life where I took a thing too much. A little weed, a lil cigarette, a lil alcohol, and when I would explain these things, I was so aware of how full of shit I sounded, “Oh, I didn’t mean to!” But I hadn’t meant to. The thing is some of these events ran concurrent with emotionally high states and exasperated them. Not the getting lit part, but the hangovers, the paranoia, my body’s response to crossing the line. The same way certain emotional breakdowns ran concurrent with severe flu episodes. I think, it just occurred to me this morning, that they might’ve happened because I needed permission, permission to feel the underlying thing. I insist that I did not experience it like that at first at all. It was always just a shot or puff or drink too many, a mundane bit over the line. But in the way we are art and the way things have gone lately, I can see how I foretold my own future and grabbed at things that would later reveal themselves to be truly apropos, when I had thought I was simply making a mistake, and a short-sighted one.

The thing is it just happened again this morning, I just did it again. I smoked two cigarettes and got a stomachache. I had sworn to myself not to, and having been a swimmer and a runner before the pandemic, I still identify as such. I was trying to fend off negative feelings and judgement of myself over it, and it turns out, my period had just come in the interim.

So I asked myself, why did I rationalize impending cramps as shame? Previously, I had rationalized the physical and emotional pain as coincidental, and that therefore, they were at least equal in strength. But now, I think I just learned to not be so hard on myself. To be careful with my sentiments. To take it easy. I think the Catholic in me is always just ready with the shame and everything latches on to it. In a moment like that, like this, being kind to myself means that pain should be listened to first before it is explained because at my hands is a language that’s trying to explain a phenomenon, myself, which is much greater than it. My relationship to how I treat my body is much more important than judging myself for a moment of weakness or wanting to feel a little bit of recklessness during this global pandemic. And yeah, its collective trauma but I’m not gonna call it that. I want to call it, from my point of view, collective permission. A collective code switch.

Most of us are in contact with that which we don’t like, and I believe in rants. Rant is my middle name. But I also understand that the people who we are ranting about because they are or aren’t taking advantage of the new circumstances, those people who don’t take up a new skill or the new influx of sex workers, I also want to add that those people we are judging might already know this on some level, and that’s where the code switching comes in. It’s about privilege. For example, a local music producer and what I call a sort of archivist was going on about how there’s no excuse now not to learn a new instrument or skill, as he is a champion of this school of thought. Personally, I have been practicing a more anti-hustle mindset in favor of rest, but as a person of skin color privilege, what can I learn from him as a black man? Let him be! He’s a very particular person, and besides, while I understand the value of rest, and my mom in particular should fucken rest, I really, really, really don’t want to act like our millennially-learned way of being is the most high for all marginalized people. Yes, rest benefits all generations, but migration’s way of living gave us everything we have. Leave them alone, leave us alone. There’s a pro and con to them both. None of this is helping me deal with a parent who can’t stop and will actually rebel against me trying to care for her.

Another person who went on an important rant was a Black sex worker who was talking about the new influx of people joining to make easy money. As a person of skin color privilege, how do I move with them? I look at my experience and make it so I agree, because she’s not wrong. I totally 100% get the rant because I, myself, went on a rant where I sort of wished harm on the newbies. That for better or worse, yall will learn today. But I will also add that I’ve never not heard a sex worker say they wanted to try another line of sex work business because they thought it would be easier. We could play bingo with that. Many of us enter the business thinking that to some degree. I say this for myself and for the people I’ve worked with. I say this as someone who first learned of the sex worker communities on tumblr before venturing into the clubs myself and found that there was a huge gap between the two. I have yet to find an in-person place that was as hardcore as them, social justice-wise.

This is why its difficult for me to agree that a revolution is coming because there’s always a gap, and not everyone understands that. They think, we think that distance means we can get away with something and pretend its not there, which it does, unfortunately. But it also means dissonance, and that u are looking away from the thing that is actually right next to u and that sometimes u share with someone very different than u. That’s not the kind of body we should be building. The revolution without this will not be inclusive for me and I know it will not be for others.

Its been right next door, the revolution and what precedes it, and we just pretended not to know what was going on. We heard the screams, we heard the death. I know that we learn new shit all the time, and I’m also ranting here, but it just helps me, personally, to resituate things, deconstruct, recontextualize. I’ve been waiting for a revolution to happen a long time using many different frames and lenses. When I was younger, I used to go to a lot of protests and it always felt like the revolution was going to happen any moment now. I’m just not for the kind of language that makes me feel good about it anymore, not only, as if its going to happen widely. I have a steady full time job now for the first time in, like, ever, and it’s a job I hate and I’m happy. If that’s not the cherry on top of cynicism, I don’t know what is. Right now, in this moment in history, in this dynamic, frightening moment in history, I am finally free-ish. I’m often not on the same page as others so that’s where my lesson is from. The revolution is illusive because it goes by another name.

I think the revolution is a collective permission to perhaps to not be on the same page. At least it is mine. Collectively, I think permission is in some ways subtle, and it will take a long time to get it together, but the revolution also involves something as big as knowing that the president was going to, that this was going to happen a second term. How did we not see this coming? That the good people don’t strike back like that, we so far haven’t, and the longer u insist that u will, its already gone, that method no longer exists for u, for me. And I think I just learned something else.

It takes so little to ruin everything, and it takes so much to fix it. I think that while people are good and deserve love, that dissonance points to the truth of our nature. We are infinitely destructive beings, and it would help me to move forward on my education and building with that in mind. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I love people who have different roles in our community, but we’re all on different parts of our journey. It has served me better to accept that than be mad at one another during a nationally mismanaged crisis, at people who I share something with.

[countrygangrel]

hey i want every single one for sancho david and austin please and thank u :)

maria im hatefollowing u and i wouldnt help u with ur spanish homework /s

Does your character have siblings or family members in their age group? Which one are they closest with?

sancho: he doesnt rlly consider himself to have family but of the ppl who seem to sorta consider him family he likes marco the best

david: he likes diego the best smh

austin: he doesnt consider any of the ppl who consider him family To be family but mags is the closest

What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?

sancho: Bad shes the reason he ended up homeless

david: he doesnt remember his birth mom but he loves marge : )

austin: he idealizes her and remembers her as being perfect but she was subpar

What is/was your character’s relationship with their father like?

sancho: he considers him a weak and pathetic little man

david: he doesnt remember his birth father but he doesnt like gabriel at all : (

austin: Bad

Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?

sancho: he almost got murdered and he tries to avoid telling people abt it :/

david: Uh Yea and like everyone knows it got big in vampire scenes

austin: yea and he tells everyone smh hes an oversharer

On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?

sancho: a knife, one of those stupid pocket bibles, his phone, snacks he Probably stole

david: Garbage he doesnt rlly go anywhere and he also forgets to empty them out

austin: his phone, some cash, a couple ious to replace mags’s stuff when he takes it, his wallet

Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?

sancho: he doesnt dream

david: i feel like he has dreams that involve weightlessness a lot. also cleanliness

austin: Hedonism. also idealized versions of his childhood

Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?

sancho: eternal damnation

david: being dirty and also drowning. his abusers there

austin: honestly? Also hedonism. probably food

Has your character ever fired a gun? If so, what was their first target?

sancho: he misfired on a guy that he was trying to keep from coming any closer to him

david: he shot a book that he set up on a fence

austin: he shot a guy on Purpose

Is your character’s current socioeconomic status different than it was when they were growing up?

sancho: hes Worse off hes semi-homeless

david: hes? Worse off but a lot happier the weed money has him stable enough

austin: not rlly

Does your character feel more comfortable with more clothing, or with less clothing?

sancho: more he likes layers

david: more

austin: less

In what situation was your character the most afraid they’ve ever been?

sancho: probably when he was being almost murdered. he didnt think he was afraid of death before

david: hes been in a Lot of situations that border on this but probably when his parents were murdered

austin: when he had to kill a werewolf for the first time

In what situation was your character the most calm they’ve ever been?

sancho: he Acts calm all the time but hes normally pretty stressed out. hes gonna grey early

david: Hes Never Calm

austin: hes pretty calm now in the face of danger like even having a gun in his face hes calm

Is your character bothered by the sight of blood? If so, in what way?

dsjkdshds none of them r bothered by it now but david used to be. he got over it

Does your character remember names or faces easier?

sancho: neither he doesnt want to know anyone

david: names

austin: faces

Is your character preoccupied with money or material possession? Why or why not?

sancho: he Is hes very poor and concerned abt where hes living and if hes a freeloader or not

david: not rlly he thinks its pointless and hes gonna die Anyway

austin: yea hes a poor and greedy man

Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?

sancho: success

david: success

austin: happiness

What was your character’s favorite toy as a child?

sancho: he didnt have any but he woulda liked stuffed animals

david: he had a stuffed bear that he carried around and didnt let ppl touch. gabriel took it from him and he stopped having comfort objects

austin: he liked his sisters dolls

Is your character more likely to admire wisdom, or ambition in others?

sancho: wisdom

david: ambition hes Jealous

austin: ambition

What is your character’s biggest relationship flaw? Has this flaw destroyed relationships for them before?

sancho: he doesnt voice his issues but hes rlly insecure so he ends up sorta touchy :/ nd theyre working on it

david: he doesnt have relationships hes Way too shy

austin: hes got commitment issues and he ends up ruining relationships very quickly

In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?

sancho: all he does his compare himself to others negatively smh he has no self esteem and hes lookin for reasons people wouldnt want him around

david: its for self criticism he has depression and low self esteem. A lot of time its in ? physical aspects or how well they deal with interpersonal communication

austin: its for self validation most of the time. at least if hes Voicing it

If something tragic or negative happens to your character, do they believe they may have caused or deserved it, or are they quick to blame others?

They all ? think they caused or deserved it but austin blames others Verbally

What does your character like in other people?

sancho: he has a soft spot for cute people :( he likes cute things in general. he? sorta likes mean people too smh he doesnt like feeling like people are lying to him abt liking him. overall he doesnt like people tho

david: he Also avoids ppl so he doesnt like ? like a Lot but he does like when ppl care abt him :’/ if u show him genuine care he’ll warm up pretty fast

austin: he just likes Attention. but in General he also likes people who arent that serious sdsdkhdsj he also likes people who’ll pamper him

What does your character dislike in other people?

sancho: he doesnt like ppl who r ? Overly nice or rlly try to pay attention to him. he also doesnt like having people ‘pity’ him (read: care abt)

david: he doesnt like mean people :( or at least people who r mean to Him hes rlly sensitive. he also doesnt like ppl who try to Force eye contact. also being tall white men makes u a no in his book

austin: people who insult him to his face >:/ or ppl who r mean to their families without Reason hes a hypocrite

How quick is your character to trust someone else?

sancho: he doesnt

david: it takes him a While and it depends on the person. atm he only rlly trusts 2 ppl tho

austin: he doesnt rlly Ever trust people but he lets his guard down anyway

How quick is your character to suspect someone else? Does this change if they are close with that person?

sancho: o Immediately. he does it Less if he knows u but :/ not much

david: he tries not to now but hes a very nervous boy

austin: he does it pretty fast but ? ignores what his guts tellin him

How does your character behave around children?

sancho: he has a daughter who he loves but he doesnt rlly know how to take care of kids

david: he tries to avoid them he doesnt know how to deal with them he gets overstimmed really fast

austin: he avoids them but he Loves kids. hes rlly worried abt being a creep and Hurting ppl

How does your character normally deal with confrontation?

sancho: he Stews and looks annoyed but doesnt rlly fight

david: he avoids it at all costs

austin: hes Fighty hell argue over little things

How quick or slow is your character to resort to physical violence in a confrontation?

sancho: sorta quick smh but he has to be pushed

david: he avoids it at all costs hes weak

austin: Very fast

What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?

sancho: i feel like he wanted to be a doctor :/ it Didnt happen

david: he didnt actually have much by way of dreams? he thought abt being an author or a priest tho. It didnt happen

austin: he didnt rlly have any he was just gonna farm

What does your character find repulsive or disgusting?

sancho: anything thats too clean. most like ? normal things to be disgusted by other than like gore. also himself

david: he finds most kinds of mess repulsive. hes still repulsed by gore even tho hes used to blood

austin: he doesnt find much other than like ? Excrement repulsive

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most comfortable.

sancho: having his own room with a window and several locks on the door. his cats r there

david: being able to be alone in his room while still being confident that his friends love and care abt him

austin: he wants to be Loved so hed be most comfortable surrounded by family who loves him :’)

Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.

sancho: rlly being ? around people in general

david: being in public in general but Especially anywhere near a stage. he woulda been valedictorian if he went to hs modernly but the speech shit would kill him

austin: being ignored and on his own

In the face of criticism, is your character defensive, self-deprecating, or willing to improve?

sancho: hes a cocktail of all of them :/ but overall hes willing to improve

david: hes willing to improve most of the time but he can be sorta :/ resistant

austin: hes Very defensive

Is your character more likely to keep trying a solution/method that didn’t work the first time, or immediately move on to a different solution/method?

sancho: keep the method

david: keep the method

austin: move on

How does your character behave around people they like?

sancho: hes ? nicer but overall he tries not to show it smh

david: hes more willing to come out of his shell and interact with ppl he likes

austin: hes a bit of a bully and Very clingy. he likes teasin ppl

How does your character behave around people they dislike?

sancho: he bottles it up and Glares

david: he avoids interacting with them more than he normally does

austin: hes a bitch tbh he gets Mean and Petty

Is your character more concerned with defending their honor, or protecting their status?

sancho: honor

david: status

austin: honor

Is your character more likely to remove a problem/threat, or remove themselves from a problem/threat?

sancho: remove self

david: remove self

austin: remove problem

Has your character ever been bitten by an animal? How were they affected (or unaffected)?

sancho: he has been and hes nervous around dogs now, especially bigger dogs

david: he hasnt been bit

austin: hes been bit but he doesnt care he still loves animals smh he also probably deserved to get bit hes the type to stick his face in animals’ faces

How does your character treat people in service jobs?

sancho: he does his best and over all tries to be nonintrusive

david: he avoids interacting with people at all dsksdjj so hes okay

austin: he works a service job So

Does your character feel that they deserve to have what they want, whether it be material or abstract, or do they feel they must earn it first?

sancho: he feels like he has to earn it but he can never do enough To earn it

david: he has to earn it

austin: he feels like he Deserves it

Has your character ever had a parental figure who was not related to them?

sancho: he avoids parental figures

david: yes! He has an adoptive mom who he loves

austin: sorta? kinda. he isnt sure how to feel abt her tho :/ 

Has your character ever had a dependent figure who was not related to them?

sancho: yea he has a bf and a child

david: no

austin: sorta? rlly depends. not rlly tho

How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?

sancho: its pretty difficult and he avoids it

david: its difficult but he can say it without meaning it

austin: its easy to lie but hard to say it proper

What does your character believe will happen to them after they die? Does this belief scare them?

sancho: he believes hes going to go to hell :/ but hes sorta accepted it. he is scared to die

david: he isnt sure what he believes but he believes it isnt good

austin: he doesnt believe in anything

[ildivine]

between watching a lot of youtubers, losing a lot of sleep, and playing a lot of the off-peak games, i feel my creativity blossoming in the abstract way that i strive for.

i at least have come to understand how my creativity is dulled, and what i need to get it going again. its difficult, getting older, and becoming more jaded, and depression in the back of my mind is a noisy buzzing that can only be quelled with alcohol or weed. ive been learning how to deal without the prior, but, mm.

i dreamt about gavin and i think about a lot of people in ways that i don’t get to often talk about. its not like i talk to my therapist about this kind of thing. i havent mentioned the system to any since the last one i trusted treated it like DID, and thats fine for systems that need it, but we don’t work that way, and we never have.

alternatively i do think about myself ... and my past lives, often. i feel my limbs more often and it blends with the dysphoria; its strange to think i get so envious of just being spiritually Aware. ingesting mushrooms is the most helpful thing to me, and i know i mute my own sixth sense with doubt.

ive isolated myself from others quite a bit, as ive been mean again. im learning to appreciate the time i spend with dean and connor, even if it is every day. i miss connor every time i wake up without zem next to me, especially after weekends when i really get used to it.

our one year is coming up in july and ze thought aloud to me about marriage and we gently brushed over it. ze said something along the lines of “well, i wanted to wait for a better opportunity...” which, understandable.

one day ill be able to afford nice things like real rings and wedding ceremonies, but the last week of cleaning up my room, and throwing a lot of things out, made me realize what focusing on survival really means. i told myself that in 2021 i would focus on letting go, and its still hard. letting go of friends, and loved ones, and things, old stuff, its all the same, i have such an emotional attachment that it gets tangled in my head and my emotions. connors told me constantly to buy necessities and i brushed em off ... so im glad a friend helped us make up for it.

its embarrassing and its frustrating to rely on my money for things that others dont see as necessary. alcohol quells my twitching but i do have an addiction to it cuz i simply like to drink til i cant anymore, n im still learning that boundary. weed, i cant really explain what it does for me, cuz it is unusual. simple things like helping my appetite and sleep, two major things i struggle with a lot, as well as giving me inspiration to get up in the mornings, or do anything at all. right now it is medical in new mexico and i have a PTSD diagnosis, and when i smoke, it quiets the voices in my head screaming at me about wanting to die. i dont know how common this is, but its one of the things i struggle with financially. to survive. even with all of my antidepressants and anxiety medications, mental illness still lingers, and i think the more i delve into new media as well as reflect on past lives and old memories, my brain is in a very strange place. but ive come to appreciate that it is strange, i am strange, and i have mental illness, and i probably wont ever be able to silence it. i can take out my desire to cut my own skin open by watching dissection videos, and then im also learning and absorbing new information along the way.

when im not absolutely drunk on a tank of heavy alcohol, i can focus. i appreciate that i lost the years of 2018-2020 mostly due to how much i was drinking, on top of a medication that was already terrible for my memory. but the other day i went through my mood charts over those years, where i wrote down how i was, and although i drank daily and felt guilty about it, my mood was generally stable.

unfortunately its very expensive and unhealthy, and the inevitable withdrawals make me worse off than i started with. my therapist considers me drinking as playing with fire, but ive learned how to consume responsibly; dean and i can stop after a six pack and itll put us to sleep, but ill always want another beer, even in the back of my mind. That slight buzz from the mimosa that Connor drank and melted into was likely most of the reason ze could actually start dozing off, and we were half craving another for fun and relaxation, but i thought “i probably wont be able to sleep tonight without another drink”.

and i was right, and i acknowledge that its a problem. so ive tried to find that sensation from other things like hops tea and carbonated water (ew, its still not good, honestly dsjfsdj) or kombuchas, because it triggers the same response in my brain without.. melting my organs. did u kno ur liver is FUCKING HUGE n its also the only organ that can heal itself?? the cells reconstruct differently than scar tissue usually binds together n i just think thats Neat.meme

jokes aside, i think its also why my liver is Fine despite the fact ive drank since i was 13 years old, minus the year of rehab sobriety. That was also my Only year of sobriety. Digging into my alcoholism ive done a lot of questioning as to why i rely on it, and i think it is a lot to do with being addicted to being drunk, and i think its also a lot to do with ‘wow, i can finally turn my brain off! the thing thats yelling at me all the time, feeling scared and sad,” but drinking is also essentially a boost of stress hormones, so when the endorphins wear off, u get sad or anxious all over again. ive come to learn that i only withdrawal or get hangovers if i drink more than, i guess the recommended amount by doctors. 3 glasses of wine will now do me in, dean can power thru anything regardless of what hes drinking, but it does affect the health in ways i cant ignore.

i enjoy drugs, i think is the bottom line. i look up how to get a hold of psychedelic mushrooms cuz u can just get em in the mail if ur in a country where its decriminalized (hint: we’re not) n immediately the results are between getting help for addiction or how magic mushrooms help depression in low doses.

i really have a theme here. im still mad that my parents induced my reliance on all these substances and i know i would be a lot better off if i didnt drink til i was 21 or never smoked cigarettes, and i accept im always gonna crave these things regardless, but i only feel creative when i drink or smoke, and thats another problem with addicts because u fry ur neurons hard enough it all dies down. ive appreciated watching videos and playing games when i am in the comatose, apathetic stage of depression like i have been in recently, where i cant force myself to do anything and even fronting someone else to do it takes energy that quickly dies down.

my energy has died quickly since i went vegan, as my nails have chipped since, so im experimenting with my diet. my taste pallet cant handle dairy anymore, and connor was only here to try it, and i think we all discovered we just... dont wanna do that. but eating fish again helped my energy and brought a glow back to my skin. too much, however, still gives me the greasy meat sweats, so... a lil bit of everything seems to be whats right.

i still crash a lot, but i think thats just a side effect of being 28 in this generation and feeling 68 instead.

anyway, now that my room is FINALLY clean and looking nice, i want to try to do art again. i miss art. i miss thinking in images, i miss my imagination, i miss roleplaying and writing and drawing and arting. conny wanted to paint too but was absolutely too tired on sunday lol n i respect that so maybe tonight we can get something together.

but its been nice to feel something in my brain stirring again that isnt just the gross black buzz of mental illness constantly telling me to die. i get used to it, i guess. i forget its not supposed to happen because i have survived it for so long. im on the max dose of antidepressants and medicine i can take and i still feel really bad sometimes, but i didnt realize it until other people brought it up. stress definitely kicks me into my big bipolar mood swings, but i havent shaken off the depression in months. im not sure what to do so im trying to expand my horizons.

[ecotone99]

[UR] Tobacco, But Cold-Turkey

Patrick tried to stop smoking five times in his life. None worked, of course, because all sad people love some ciggies and, obviously, they are addictive, and also delicious and comforting as fuck, so Patrick couldn’t help but smoke two packs a day. Today, he said to himself, he would stop it once and for all. His antidepressant was working and his constant sadness was under control, even though he could not cum anymore and was being described as looking like an “emotional zombie”, a situation which made him coin an iconic phrase: “I had more fun in hell”. Noneless, he was sure this time he would not put a single cigarette in his mouth.

The first method he tried was going out with his folks to smoke some weed instead. George and Mark, his best friends, were huge stoners and knew a guy in the neighbourhood who sold the best weed in the American continent, as a whole. On a side note, Patrick had never tried weed – and never wanted to, since he had an anxiety disorder which made him feel scared of everything and everyone. George and Mark were his best and only friends, the ones who he felt he could trust and who also understood what he was going through, you know, with mental illness and stuff. So George and Mark took Patrick to a penthouse in a random guy’s house, and there they were, rolling fat joints of marijuana.

Turns out Patrick knew nothing about weed culture and how those gatherings worked, so he just waited while George, Mark and the random guy passed the joint. When the joint finally lied in Patrick’s hands, he kinda had an anxiety attack. His stomach was cold, full of butterflies, and his chest was achy as fuck. But then he thought to himself: What’s the worst thing that could happen? And nothing came to his mind. So he just put the thing in his mouth and inhaled it the way weed newbies do, and it didn’t take long until he had the worst panic attack of his life.

It was a rough night. Patrick hallucinated, because even though few people are aware of this, weed is a hallocinogen. He had visions of demons and remembered things about his childhood he never knew happened. He shit his pants. He dehydrated and had cotton mouth. He thought he would die.

But, therefore, he didn’t, but the next thing he knew was that he had Depersonalization Disorder from that traumatic bad, bad trip. So one day, at home, he grabbed a cigarette and thought about smoking it, but, afraid that it would worse that dream-like state he was living in, he did not.

So he went to the doctor and was prescribed more antidepressants to try to snap out of the derealization and also asked if he could take some magic pill to stop the withdrawn symptoms. And, for Patrick’s delight, he was prescribed Bupropion, an antidepressant with the power of being able to quit smoking without suffering. “I already suffered enough”, he thought to himself.

The first night Patrick layed in his bed after taking Bupropion, he took a long time to fall asleep, and when he finally did, he had the worst nightmare he could have had: He dreamed he was being chased by gigantic cigarette-shaped humanoids who were trying to eat his brain. When he woke up, he couldn’t move and couldn’t scream – Which would be useless, since Patrick lived alone. This condition, as he would learn, was known as Sleep Paralysis and was a side effect of Bupropion.

So Patrick stopped the Bupropion and decided the only way he could quit smoking without it being too risky for his fragile mental health was an online chat. He grabbed his laptop and browsed to the website where he would find his cure. A lady called Beth was designated to support him, and she was very, very kind. He started typing words about his withdrawal symptoms, but before he could predict, there he was, playing the role of the lonely guy with almost no friends and still a virgin at twenty-one. Beth tried to warn him that his personal problems were not to be discussed on online “quit-smoking” chats, but that did not stop Patrick from trying to form a bond with her, whom he already considered a “friendaphist” – An adjective he liked to use to describe friends who are very comprehensive and sweet.

The days went by, and Patrick couldn’t help but imagine what Beth looked like. Maybe he was in love with her, who knows. He kept browsing the online chat in the hope that Beth would be the one to assist him, but the shuffle mode that designated the person who would chat with him was definitely not on his side. One day, he stopped trying to communicate with Beth. It was an impossible romance, just like the movies – But that didn’t mean that he stopped thinking about her. He even found a therapist, an old man who was the opposite of Beth, to try to deal with his obsession with the online chat lady.

Three months of therapy went by and Patrick was dissociated, having Bupropion withdrawal and biting his nails over a platonic love – And still wanted to smoke ciggies. Of course by now the nicotine withdrawal symptoms were gone, but that also meant an immense, painful hole on his heart that could only be solved by a piece of burning tobacco.

So there he was. His depression worse than ever, his loneliness hurting his feelings. There must be a way to replace the nicotine missing in my psyche, he kept thinking. So he called George and asked for help. “Why didn’t you try the chewing gum?”, asked George. Of course. How dumb he was. There is always nicotine replacement therapy to save the day.

Patrick went to the drug store on a Sunday morning, and ordered two boxes of nicotine gum. He went home and chewed two of those at the same time, both containing four miligrams of nicotine – He was chewing eight miligrams. Soon enough, Patrick discovered he had regressed: He was addicted to nicotine once again, and the gum only made him miss the taste of a cigarette even more. Also, the more gum he chewed, the more nauseous he got, plus a terrible headache due to nicotine superdosing.

Turns out Patrick was one of those people who simply were not made to stop smoking. When he realized that, he bought three packs of king size ciggies and smoked all of them in one afternoon.

Yeah. Sometimes we need to stick to what makes us feel good, because what else is gonna save our lives, even if it also kills you.

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