#and i'm like how am i supposed to stay alive (financial) in the meanwhile
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#at least i remembered enough that i know this Episode#has been caused by recovering some memory#that i promptly buried again#might want to keep it buried though#because it sparked my obsession with kalluto and illumi up again#and that's never good <3#i'm like ah yes the thing where i had to kill myself#standing in a room it felt impossible to leave#on a hot summer night#knowing i was going to /have/ to kill most of my humanity#to get through the next few years alive#i don't know what that breaking point was#i just wish drs would get that i'm not okay#some do and they're like wow how are you alive#others are like hmm time lie on my medical reports to get you away from being my responsibility#but they're all like it's going to take years of therapy to recover#and i'm like how am i supposed to stay alive (financial) in the meanwhile#and they just shrug#gdlplu#might have to go to inpatient again :(
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