#and ill be honest twitter fucking sucks. it sucked years ago and now? idk why anybody still uses it it's a fucking wreck

[creaturefeaster]

yo maybe im just having a bad morning but im a hair's width away from leaving this site man it's getting so fucking annoying & bloated with features i could not give less of a fuck about

[chanelmoon4]

june 27 2017

mms update on ppl stuff I guess. I rather not have my journals be about ppl but hey you can't avoid them. Like I said before hopefully ill have time to refer back to my past and talk about what has happen then because having children, being married, having a divorce and just changing my views about life is a lot and view important to me. Never really though I was a person tell all that happen to me. So grateful for it even though I wish it could have all been different

I had such a huge journal entry just stilling on my laptop then it had to freeze on me so ill try to cap up some things that have happen. It’s just not quite the same real calling memories after they have happened. When its fresh its the best. Then can tamper you emotions currently and make you type it different. Regardless it paints some kind of picture. 

Lets start with Jake because I just know I need him gone.. Still wish I could be fiends with him but ya you just gotta learn to stay away from people that ultimately bring you down. You can't change ppl and you should try to. He likes where he's at too much and I'm not going to try and open his mind to know things. I've already done what I can with him. But I guess that why you meet half the ppl you do you. You somehow help each other in big or small ways and be on you way when it’s all said and done. Sad, but the more it happens to you the more you just let it happen and appreciate what is.  I kept thinking we would naturally break off because he just always wanted to hang at his house sharing a room with his brother. But then his brother moved out and then it just became easier that way. It was cool but just still didn't help are stagnant communication. Half the time I just listen to the only things he knows and likes to talk about his fabricating work, car stuff and his x girlfriends being still about stuff not letting him see his sons. I like that he talks a lot actually but it was just so limited and so much opened up anger in him its just overwhelming. I can't blame him though both of the girls he has babies with complete crazies just not letting him see then just because there relationship went south. He works, he well doesn't drink anymore. Anyways those girls don't have room to talk because they have partied as well. Anyways lets get to the recent stiff. I hung out with him one night ya and this night we smoked. (Haven’t been doing anything like that but the opportunity arrived. my view about greens is wish washy I can live without it but its nice to have every blue moon. for now I'm going to keep it that way and I don't fee bad about it because its not controlling my life.) Then we got into this weird conversation about his x girlfriend with his kid Camille( uhhhhhhh and this is how me and Jake know each other from the past. actually embarrassing to say if I had to explain this to some one :( but she was one of my one and my best friend for a long time. there can be a whole book about her in my life but ill say one thing about her the try and make this shorter she is crazy. she. is. crazy! had a lot of boyfriends and kind what got me on a bad path. also went crazy on the end and had sex with my husband......... I didn't know tell about six months ago.... man I should do a journal entry about this but crap... k so ya anywise we broke off are friend ship around when link was one and haven't or will never talk to her sense) k! So ya Jake stated talking bout her and just problems and its awe all normal but then started saying g maybe she's only being crazy mean cause she still likes him and wants him to suffer rescue it dint work out and she has to live seeing him because they have a kid together now. Soooooo ya it got way weird and eventually I told him to stop and then rest of the night was weird. We have like a little text fight about it. Having him claim that it was about his son and that he was angry about that and all that. He somewhere inside would take that crazy girl back. Just the other day I was talking to ppl at work about relationships where this girl was talking about how her x would start talking bout other girls inform of her and how there were great or complicated. If your speaking about other ppl when your in a relationship then you mind isn't in the right spot and your setting yourself up to cheat. It’s been about 5 days we haven't even texted. Today he hit me up saying he was sorry and it was all about his some and trying to find a reason for her craziness. And I understand I would do the same in his position he is in just trying to figure out what’s going on in that crazy girls mind. I told him I need more space basically and left it as that. There’s more to all this but I'm summing up the best I can and without fixing all this grammar just to comfort myself about the five year old language I'm spitting out. (Quickly spitting out) I want space so we will see how long this last. He’s got anger problems so I know what he said wasn't meaningful. He wants to get back to kissing and such. Way over that. I could see me hanging out with him a time or to in the future before school starts but I really just need him to be gone. I hope I can be strong enough. 

Ok mmm next is Jordan. Noting with him ha. Just hung out another time exchanged book had some good talk and that was it. He’s moving to st George and saw him at the pool once with a chick.. So that was kind of weird. He said he had a lesbian friend so that could have been her. Regardless I still didn't have enough feelings to wanna keep up with him and he the same. Let just hope I get my books back some time this fall

k. Damn it I'm going to try and be super honest with this section even though I don’t want to be now cause I gave some stupid hint on twitter that I was going got put shit on twitter so now I'm constantly scared that he did find this tumbler and could just crush my sole. He could expose this to ppl. He could think I'm a freak. I just don't know and now its really kinda sucks. But oh well. Regardless you can get away from ppl really easily and never see then again. I hardly ever see him anyway ( yay ready to make mistakes) I'm not really sure where to start sense my normal entry gets deleted. But he went to Scotland. I think he had a snap post or two that were suggestive. (Could have been to anyone) one I think was hi going on in his jeep alone with a song from Taylor swift saying “all you had to do was stay and a snap f sunset. Idk whey I think something with a sunset. I think that one I'm overanalyzing. (you gotta remember to take things into account but not also over do it. synchronicity really is everywhere but sometimes ppl accidently say things not trying to be offensive but then people end up taking it that way, that’s a really bad destructive habit!... so usually I just try and look for synchronicity but only the good ones. if it can come off as bad I just try to disregard it for the most part. idk... sometimes I do take things that he's trying to tell me he doesn't like me and signs that he doesn't but with him its different clue I think he knows the game or whatever bull crap and is just trying to tell me in some way. who know idk idk  but anyways I love looking of the good signs in life and try not to get offensive less I feel its clear enough.. idk ) then shortly after sends a snap saying he's like on a lonely road by himself or something. I decided to respond and to invite him to this movie night thing with ppl from the pool and just said “don't make it too lonely.” then asked him to come to wonder women the next night. Surprisingly he said he could and that was good but a shocker. Just because I'm too chicken to ask him on that date date thing. I'm calling that night are date thing so it can be over with? :S soooooo weeewh there’s a lot I could say about the wonder women movies that was like super crazy synchronized with I guess a thingy we have? Like so much! It was awesome but god there’s something fucked up with me it was like hitting me in the face but yet I was not satisfied...!!! And if its still not making my bell completely ring I'm sure its not at all for him :///(I think I'm just angry I can just get alone time with I'm and don't know what’s going on) it was still way cool to see him. He tried bringing up this stuff about energy everywhere. 1 her want to talk more about it with me. 2 he's teasing me.idk. I wish I would have been more social with him but I have such a hard time singling jarred out for a long time with other people around us. It would just make it obvious and we were around work people. He coming back to work this fall and ya I just don't need people thinking I really like him. ( ah I hats saying that I like him. I like what I see and what might not completely mesh with him I still find so adorable..... I really really hope he thinks the same for me and not just a weird girl he can't avoid and doesn't want to be rude too. Sometimes I wish he would be just so I can really know. should be clear enough tho.. he's not talking to me lol oh well)  so it was kinda stupid to finally invite him to hang out and have it with people from work. At one point before we walked into the theater are eyes met form a distant and we both and the super anxious look on are face. It was great! He openly said “sorry texting my family in a group text” that was kinda random and kinda a sign that he's not seeing anyone but who knows. Right as we walked into the theater I have know idea fucking why but I said under my breath not even thinking about anything in particular and he was near me “man I'm no good at this” and he did say something back it was strange and I feet like Emily heard. He said something like “don't worry about or neither am I” gaaaaaaahhh! Fucking shisdkfjsldkfj ha idk so trying to fast forward. We sat next to eachother and I forgot how ackward it is to sit next to people or a ton of people for that matter. Made me so anxious especially because I love snuggling in a theater and more used to that if I ever go. He moved his hand a lot but not in one of those stupid obvious positions waiting to be held. I wanted to um feel his energy more sting next to him more but there were too many distractions to decipher. I had my hands crossed really like the whole time. Again we were next to everyone from work I just couldn’t let them find out! It was so great seeing so many things unfold in that movies that correlated to him and I though! There seemed to be a lot but I really am not going to go through the whole move about it. I'm just going to watch it again when it comes out on DVD. The movies ended we all ackwardly walked out I was tired as shit at the time cause it was past 12. Talked bout some stuff about it and all went home. 

 (I need more paragraphs. so here’s one lol.) I've never had so much synchronicity show up in a crush like this ever I just like gotta like just like idk know and just give what I can idk idk.mad but I've been so so salty lately like really I was hitting a low then. Work had made me way more aggressive then I've ever been I really hate it. I don't want to be an angry aggressive person or overly dominate. But I'm afraid my surroundings have made me so ://////// I'm trying not to think about that to much and just think that its good for me to practice this and that I've been excelling at it well. The things are all of it will change soon enough with school this fall. I know ill be focus on other things and it will just keep changed. Especially if I quit my job this fall or winter. So back to captain it up with Jared. I've been so less centered again and so I think I had this small/ big peak of scarification with that movie that quickly faded right after it. Usually if anything happens between us I'm like back to liking him call over again. This time I just got just more frustrated. Probably because it was all another wonderful fantasy and not something that happened in real life that I could say we both experienced. I. Just. Want. To make things happen between us so I can have clarity that we are going to be friends or try for something more or just clear cut no so I can get the hell was form the pool and focus a little better. I waaaant that. Fucking shit! This person just fucked my brain up from stuff from the past or something and it’s just so easy to get sucked back into it. So I just need to get closer to this man or remove myself completely. Trying not to get angry about it. But ya so far he's just being a floater boy when I need answers. But the more I push the more I know going to make the answer no. It probably is a no anyways. I'm sure I'm annoying. I used to be cooler trust me. I swear ppl around u influence you so much and when I was reading more not around crazies at the pool. idk.... oh and really think I shouldn't have done this because I'm sure it passed him off.... if he even checks. I deleted all my tweets and hoping to plan to not tweet any more. or for a really really long time. I'm level headed I am. This just weird thing going on its just hard to communicate things and just make it look like crazy move. Hope I didn't fuck it up. Also were being stupid and sent music snaps that made it look like I didn't give a crap. I'm so mean!!!!! Seriously been so salty. ugh :(

Still get on tinder occasionally. I get likes of really cute looking guys on there to match up with frankly. Lots of them are just too far away or I just get scared and do not want to take the work to get to know new ppl. Plus I just HATE texting people long distance or just having got to know you bull crap on it. I rather have people come into my life. I just end up taking to people a few times then ignore them tell it stops. Oh well. I sorta like it that way anyway but I'm still looking and that’s good I guess. I just focus on one person at a time. that just kinda my thing its hard to get attached to several men and i do not like doing that. thats not what my life is all about attracting as many as i can like that! 

gosh this was a lot and still not a lot i didn't ever get to say about what I've been learning lately in my books. not to mention i had a logged mediation finally. and holly shit i got soon much crap bit up in me its crazy. really you get keep up with that crap because you pick up negative crap from everywhere and hold in in you forever! i deeply feel if i can just get back to the real me things will work out better know matter what it is. I really need to find myself and be even more stable if anything in my life is going to go my way or if I'm going to be able to give myself to Jared/or any man. I really am quite a stable person, always have been. So it’s really frustrating for me to be stuck into something like this. Wish he could see that or that I could show him things that have helped me... but that’s only if you believe in that stuff. Or let you mind wander there enough to see truths in it.  Knowledge truly is power... and takes a lot of responsibility to keep it...

 Another things ill quickly say cause I've been spending way too much time on this one and I going over to my sisters tonight, 5 http has help me with my speech problem and is also a mood enhancer. I think I want stop taking it though because it’s like fix that seems like permanently but I'm more aggressive from it and almost more anxious... mother f. I probably should stop experimenting with things cause sometimes it really does backfire and isn't helpful but you know what if you don't try you will never know and there are so many things that I was scared to try or ppl would think is pointless/weird that ended up being awesome! The 5 http hasn't screwed with me that much but I learned form it and know it’s not a thing to take when your brain is already back to normal. Its thing to take if you actually are having depression had a car accident, addiction problems things like that. I took it and it seems to fix my problem but now its not helpful cause I back to normal and it’s overloading my brain.  Also I found that one way to clean your entry is to take a bath with sea salt and baking soda and ya i can't pretty much say it seem like its cleans out you aura layers. But you must go in the sun afterwards. Cause it will also deplete you. I did it this morning and really everything was just so clear.... but it was bad to go to work right after. I freake’n sucked everything up :((that like my biggest problem somehow I absorbs everything weather its good or bad. for me seems like I just need to say clear of things. man I'm just hurting myself so much. holding onto a guy that doesn't even have strong feelings for me touring myself staying in all these toxic environments waiting on a silly dream that I don't know if I want anymore or will want when it all comes down to it. ..... and for some reason I just keep doing it. sheesh it must be for some reason. just a little longer and this thing lingering behind me will be all gone or unraveled.

Holly crap this one is huge. Ill spell check it for now and re read it later. lol it will be interesting to see all the stagnant sentences I've created. 

[milkovichultear]

tagged by @selphie-chan lets go

LAST…

[1] drink: cream soda

[2] phone call: mum

[3] text message: kelsey

[4] song you listened to: goodbye to a world - porter robinson

[5] time you cried: about 15 minutes ago reading the k project side mangas

HAVE YOU EVER…

[6] dated someone twice: technically yes lol

[7] been cheated on: ya

[8] kissed someone and regretted it: ive kissed my dog and he was wet so i got hair all over my face and that kinda sucked

[9] lost someone special: yeah

[10] been depressed: i have depression, sharon

[11] gotten drunk and thrown up: lol i hate alcohol

LIST 3 FAVOURITE COLOURS:

[12] baby pink

[13] bright pastel green

[14] lavender

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

[15] made new friends: yes

[16] fallen out of love: yes

[17] laughed until you cried: lololololololol yes

[18] found out someone was talking about you: uhhh probably? i dont remember

[19] met someone who changed you: uhhhhhhh maybe not but i did get a lot closer to a lot of people

[20] found out who your true friends are: sure

[21] kissed someone on your facebook list: not besides my mum

GENERAL…

[22] how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: probably 95% of them

[23] do you have any pets: i have two dogs nyahahaha

[24] do you want to change your name: not really

[25] what did you do for your last birthday: i went to visit my family for the first time in a year and saw may and wendy

[26] what time did you wake up: uhhh... 11am maybe

[27] what were you doing at midnight last night: sleeping

[29] when was the last time you saw your mother: almost a month ago

[30] what is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i didn’t have depression because it’s kept me from doing a lot of things

[31] what are you listening to right now: cherry blossom trees - apex rise

[32] have you ever talked to a person named tom: kelsey’s cat is named tom and i talked to him all day today

[33] something that is getting on your nerves: my back lol

[34] most visited website: twitter

[35] elementary: i went to 5 different ones so it was fine i guess 

[36] high school: life changing if only because i went to a 4 year boarding school and was away from family almost entirely the whole time & learned creative writing from professionals

[37] college: i haven’t properly attended yet because of mental illness lol i’ve been too scared of failure / not confident enough in what i want to do to risk it

[38] hair colour: black/brown

[39] long or short hair: it’s past my ass and i’m 5′9′’

[40] do you have a crush on someone: a silly crush, sure

[41] what do you like about yourself? i’m easy to talk to i guess 

[42] piercings: i want to get my ears redone

[43]blood type: type O

[44] nickname: holo, eri

[45] relationship status: single

[46] zodiac sign: pisces-aquarius 

[47] pronouns: she/they

[48] fav tv show: i don’t really watch TV but i like samantha bee and rachel maddow and some cooking youtubers 

[49] tattoos: i want several but im scared of needles lol

[50] right or left handed: right handed

FIRST…

[51] surgery: when i was born i had a giant cyst on my chest, so i had to get it surgically removed and i still have the scar

[52] piercing: i used to have my ears pierced but i jerked away from the gun so one of my holes was fucked up + i didn’t know i was allergic to everything besides gold so i had a calcium buildup in my ears and had to remove them

[53] best friend: i had a best friend in preschool apparently that i just Can Not remember but there’s a photo of us together? 

[54] sport: swimming

[55] vacation: i have no earthly idea. probably the ranch down in zacatecas ?

[56] pair of trainers: to be fucking honest im not even 100% certain what this means

RIGHT NOW…

[57] eating: im kind of munching on rice 

[58] drinking: i have orange cream soda 

[59] i’m about to: uhhh... play fire emblem i guess... or sleep...

[60] listening to: gallop - pez’moku 

[61] waiting for: sunday, when i head to california

[62] want: to see my dogs

[63] get married: i have an ideal wedding but idk if i could ever see someone wanting to marry me lolololol

[64] career: my ideal career would be a voice actress, but im just too shy. beyond that, either a video game creator, or a therapist. i’m aiming for the last one atm

WHICH IS BETTER…

[65] hugs or kisses: hugs or kisses from dogs

[66] lips or eyes: eyes

[67] shorter or taller: taller lolol

[68] older or younger: older for sure 

[70] nice arms or nice stomach: arms.......................................... *bieber voice*  i love arm 

[71] sensitive or loud: i’d like a mix of both lol i can’t handle people who are too sensitive 

[72] hook up or relationship: relationship

[73] troublemaker or hesitant: a mix of both would be nice because im pretty hesitant myself lol

HAVE YOU EVER…

[74] kissed a stranger? uhhh i’ve been forced to kiss family members i don’t know, does that count 

[75] drank hard liquor? i accidentally downed half a glass of vodka mixed with fresca when i was in 3rd grade, so. that, i guess. besides that i’ve only ever had white wine, bailey’s, and champagne wait. i lied. i’ve had rum and coke before, i was just too young to remember it. i got smashed on that when i was like 5 years old on accident. and i’ve tried dark and light beers. both disgusting

[76] lost glasses/contact lenses? y........es. ive lost both before but not permanently 

[77] turned someone down: lol yeah like once

[78] sex on first date? lmfao ive never been on a proper date so no

[79] broken someone’s heart? yyyyyyyyea h

[80] had your own heart broken? yup, multiple times 

[81] been arrested? i’ve gotten tickets and such but no ive never gone to jail

[82] cried when someone died? lol yeah i cry when people i don’t KNOW die i’m a disaster 

[83] fallen for a friend: i only ever develop crushes on people i’m friends with nowadays so yes , multiple times 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

[84] yourself? depends 

[85] miracles? sure 

[86] love at first sight? the romantic in me says yes but the realist says no so: maybe 

[87] santa claus? i believe in the historical figure of st nick

[89] angels? why not 

OTHER…

[90] current best friend’s name: jess, wendy, may, robin 

[91] eye colour: brown 

[92] favourite movie: i dunno. growing up i loved hunchback of notre dame, matilda, peter pan... and a few others i can’t remember now. so i guess those are good enough 

im not tagging anyone bye