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#and now i'm panicking because i have only 18 days before the exam i'm supposed to take and it doesn't feel enough for everything i have to
martsonmars
ยท
1 year
Text
desperately trying not to have a panic attack about university hehehe
#literally the only thing i'm supposed to do is study
#am i doing it? nope of course. i have less than a month left to take exams and i should take at least 2 but i haven't opened a book in more
#than a month and the thought fills me with dread and i literally physically cannot do it
#it's possible that going back to my uni flat would help (it would be a change in scenery for sure) but on wednesday it will be a year since
#my father died and there's this fucking church thing and my mother won't force me to stay but i really should. shouldn't i?
#after all it's already saturday and i've already wasted 40 days. what's half a week more?
#i keep staring at the list of exams and i know that if i spent every waking second studying i could get back on track and graduate when i'm
#supposed to graduate but 1. it's not healthy and 2. my brain refuses to study for ONE exam let alone 14 so it's unrealistic
#and at this point i should just accept that i'm going to graduate one year late and one year after all my friends because last year i did
#absolutely nothing. and last autumn started out great. i moved. i was organised. and then the first week of october my mother was at the
#hospital and i had to go home for a week and somehow i let that week screw up my entire semester
#and now i'm panicking because i have only 18 days before the exam i'm supposed to take and it doesn't feel enough for everything i have to
#study but it's not going to get better if i just let all the days pass without doing anything but i can't i can't i can't
#so yeah i should be kind to myself and accept i'll need one additional year for all the exams and take it slowly which is the only way to
#actually get things done. but i don't want to. i don't want to tell my mother that i failed at the one thing i'm supposed to be doing
#but i really really can't it's hard and i'm failing and my head is screaming that i don't deserve hobbies and yet i keep wasting my days
#it's one am and i should either sleep or relax because it's not like i can do anything now and yet i feel like i need to fix my entire life
#right this second or i'll explode. i'm so tired of my thoughts.
#please ignore all this ^ because i know most of it is irrational or whatever and i DON'T WANT to hear rational things
#if you've read until here and really want to say something just tell me that right now i'm allowed to relax
#any other comment would make me feel worse
#๐๐๐
#**one month left to take exams this semester not forever hahaha but then i'd be supposed to take all the remaining exams in the summer
#and i can't possibly take 14 exams between now and july which is why i'm panicking (there are other logistically confusing things in what i
#said but i wanted to clear this one up at least lmao) (i'm already feeling vaguely better can't you see?)
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