#and that 160k could've been a solid price to get me through college and set for life

[beaversatemygrandma]

Okay. The weirdly lucid dreams are back again. Thanks to not having a real social life for the past two years. I had one about my mom and somehow i woke up with that godawful feeling that i am just an awful person who can’t redeem themself. It genuinely felt like i had gone and visited her again and i left feeling like this overweight slob who cant do shit and I DIDN’T EVEN SEE HER. Like she stopped, mostly, doing that shit that just talks me down from literally everything once i moved out. I have been able to have rational adult conversations with her without walking away feeling like shit. But then this dream is like ‘hey remember this bullshit?’ and i wake up annoyed at the whole world. And ironically, i woke up to my dad yelling at my sister bc she hadn’t done the chore she was supposed to do like three days ago when it was manageable. So i just laid in bed for another hour and only came out bc i was hungry. Then once I’m out there, very much wanting to not be spoken to and just invisible, i’m the center of attention.

If i had my license like i should by now, today would’ve been a drive up to starbucks and get food and a drink to have while sitting in the parking lot so i could just be alone listening to music in the car. But no. Legal shit and not having time from others to help me get there is still in the way. Then again. I’m in the middle of a huge city now and finding a place to be alone outside of the house likely would’ve been hopeless. The streets would’ve been just as stressful. Like back home, the traffic during rush hour is just the norm here and then rush hour here is just stopped traffic. I can’t walk anywhere bc we’re in the center of the tanker truck and train stops and nothing is within walking distance. Either way, in the south here, it’s easier to get a legal gun than a legal car and I am proof of that. And that just frustrates me beyond reasoning bc you need one of those to live a normal life and the other is just useless without some very rare situations. I’m set for an apocalypse or a hunting trip. But I’m not set for getting a daily job. Like Fuck. 

And then comes the continued worry of omicron. Like my dad is to the point of just not wearing a mask at all unless required and my sister is at school. There’s such an uptick in cases around here and there’s no tests available in the area. And I’m just here, still without a booster bc I’m scared to bring that up to my dad who’s now also antivax (WHEN DID THAT FUCKING HAPPEN???), and i just want the peace of mind of not getting dead. Really doesn’t help that I’ve been feeling fatigued and my ‘allergies’, if i can really call them that, are kicking my ass this past week.

I swear, all the things i want are so simple and i should be able to have them, but they’re just out of reach lately and it frustrates me so damn much. Like back to feeling like an overweight slob bc of a simple dream (she still sends me plus size shirts for xmas and my bday and whatever which is enough of a damn hint. but i’m only 140lbs. it’s not that bad.) I’d want to go for daily walks to get myself back to being active and maybe back to my normal weight. But I Can’t In This Area. It’s just barely outside of the most dangerous part of the city (There was a shooting just down the road within the past month.), there’s tanker trucks EVERYWHERE, and I don’t feel safe enough to just walk to the end of the street and back. I started doing yoga at night hoping that would help some. But all it’s done is relieve some back pain from sitting all day. Which is a plus, but why the hell do people think this is a cure-all for mental stress?? “I need to get to a psychiatrist and get medicated for my adhd and depression and maybe get tested for autism.” “Have you tried yoga?” Like FUCK THAT’s NOT A Cure. There’s so much wrong with me and i can’t figure it out. Now that I have insurance, i feel stuck and can’t go do that. I need to place an appointment for a driver’s test and see where that goes... I have a car. It’s insured and legal. It’s Mine. But i can’t fucking drive it. And now comes the thought if it’s really something wrong with me or just the fact that my needs haven’t been met... like ever.

I just want to get driving. I want to get a job and get enough money to leave the area and rent some small house in a tiny town in Appalachia. I want to feel okay enough to go back to doing things i like to do. But it’s Just Not Working. Like there was the idea of getting a job that was distanced. Where i could just work from home. Some customer service calls and a decent pay. But now the gov is like ‘no time for that we must watch you constantly. you are using your paid hours to sit at home and play with your pets.’ and they just ignore the fact that it made it so much easier to deal with all that stuff. I don’t want to go back to work at a place where i get paid shit to run around like a chicken with its head cut off and get verbally abused by the typical WASP woman for ten hours a day. But all my experience is currently is being a barista and server. And now there’s a two year gap in employment and i haven’t even started school again since i got fucked over money-wise by my aunt. At least i can make a mean coffee with the right supplies? What a bonus. /s

After all this shit has been going on and I’m realizing that nobody in this world understands simple statistics, I’ve been debating on that for a potential major when i finally get around to finding a grant. Then there’s my dad who literal doesn’t trust a stat major. And then i say something like ‘correlation doesn’t equal causation’ and then show him a whole damn math problem proving that there are things to worry about in this world, it gets blown off. I understand math. I understand statistics. I understand how to tell if sources are good ones or not. But no. I’m young. I’m stupid. I can’t understand anything. I’m 22 and unemployed so therefore im weird and dumb. I’m a gifted kid with extreme burnout and an unlucky dice roll in life. I’ve got god knows what going on in my brain other than the known adhd. If i HAD to self-diagnose, I’d add at least a couple other things to that. But then again, it could just be the depressing effects of living in a post-capitalist state with the Marxist warnings right in front of our faces. (fake capital. overworked. Everybody needs therapy. Shit’s not good for people. It’s good for the money.) I’m getting ads constantly for therapy services bc it’s KNOWN that this has been an issue lately. I want to try one out but then there’s evidence that most are just there to steal and sell your info. It’s just parasitic.

There is no ethical consumption under capitalism and it’s hurting. Now to figure out if it’s that guilt fucking me up or something chemically wrong with my brain or previous trauma unrelated to the capital bullshit. Idk what it is at this point and i can tell I’m not the only one going through it and my god that makes it so much worse.

I’m just going to keep the idea in my head that one day, maybe I’d be able to move to that cabin in the middle of nowhere with a friend and ignore the world’s problems for a while. We’ve been talking about doing that after i went on zillow to show them the old cabin my family owned (and now sold thanks to that one aunt), and other places in the area, and they’re just like ‘yes, get one of those houses and i’m in.’ And then we’ve been messing around with ideas for making a game and such and that’s so far the only escape from the world that we’ve got.