#and while granted. the shit im learning is beneficial for my art

[nofxs2gv]

09.09.21 5:11 pm

Today was my second day back to work after being gone for 2 straight weeks and before that at least a half day out every week in the beginning of August.

Not many people in my row this week but 3 of my coworkers made me cry today, one from my old unit.

The guy who sits one cube down from me brought me a big ass Frappuccino this morning, surprised the hell out of me…I had no idea that was coming. He was telling me yesterday how he was worried because it’s kinda rare that I’m not there and he felt like he wanted to reach out but doesn’t have my number. I mean, I don’t go handing it out to just anybody soo…yeah…but that’s so thoughtful.

My neighbor right in front of me, she was so sweet, she said she was so happy and relieved to see me. She gave me a box of chocolates and a card with a handwritten message inside🥺.

I heard the guy turn, he sits in front of her, and jokingly tell her “HEY. Don’t talk to my friend 😆” and then he IM’s me saying “see, we care”

Then out of nowhere, my friend from my old team walks by and leaves the sweetest note on my desk, she didn’t really stop to talk because she was in a hurry to get back to her desk which is in the next building. I check on her often but I haven’t had the chance to go see her in a few months because work is busy and I don’t like to be late or rush around. I stopped smoking April of last year so i don’t meet her for smoke breaks anymore and she’s trying to quit now so that’s good.

There was also a very nice surprise on the way home. Never expected that either. Funny how the Universe makes shit happen, it’s definitely up to us to go with the opportunity presented or fall back and decide not to get involved. I’m so grateful🥺 Had to hold my tears back right there.

I don’t talk much to my coworkers, or anyone really for that matter, but if they feel like they want to talk to me I do engage for the most part, pretty much just listening, and I have brought in food and things for them just because: Friday or whatever and on Mother’s/Father’s day and Christmas and Birthdays so it’s not like I’m a rude bitch, I’m just reserved and shy…I stay out of the way as much as possible.

I just don’t expect anyone to notice me or care. I’m not looking for it and when I do for / give to anyone it’s because I’m moved to do it, not for anything in return.

I’ve not had nice people surrounding me for a lot of my life so it’s emotional for me when someone is nice to me, even tho I know that’s kind of a basic gesture and maybe not always as genuine as someone who is kind, I don’t take it for granted either way. It’s a big deal to me if someone goes out of their way to accommodate, include or consider me. And sometimes it’s hard to accept. Well, all the time it’s hard to accept. But I’m learning to swallow it and instead of just feeling the gratitude on the inside but not feeling that it’s ok to show it on the outside, I have been trying to do both for the last 5 years. But no one needs to see me cry so that’s kept to myself.

I’ve been telling myself and trying to practice for the past few months “Expect everything and nothing…” anyone is entitled to; change their minds, forget me, move on, move away, come close, be nice, be mean, give or receive or whatever the case may be and it’s best to not be caught off guard either way and react emotionally, it’s more conducive to respond with grace. Especially with my terrible anxiety I have to learn to anticipate the unexpected but not want for anything in that way…expect it all and not at all because anything can and will happen at any given moment…or not. This life is full of twists and turns and life itself is extremely hard sometimes.

I’m just trying to be authentic, the me I’ve always been inside 100% of the time, I’ve had her tucked away safe from the environment I was in, but instead this transition just kind of ebbs and flows because I sometimes get my feelings hurt (because I stay in my head and over think everything, no one is going out of their way hurting my feelings for the most part…there have been a few assholes tho). I go thru ups and downs just like anyone else and I am just used to being shut down because of where I’ve been. Especially with knowing I’m not getting any younger and I’ve literally been alone and kept myself away from any kind of possible situation for 5 years now, I get anxious about it often but maybe I’m supposed to be alone? Or maybe I’m supposed to wait a little longer?..I don’t know but I do know what is meant for me will flow freely to me or send for me to come, it will take time and happen when and if it’s supposed to and it will always be for me…I won’t need to beg or ask repeatedly or chase or any of the other bullshit I went thru for so many years before. My person will want my authenticity no matter how different I am. Even tho I’ve kept myself away from even the idea of getting involved, one person was able unlock and crack open the door ever so slightly…shining their light into the basement I been hiding in after about 4 years. They had to leave tho but they still have the keys.

I’ve not spoken / text much to anyone for about two months and I’ve not posted much anywhere in about a month or so. I’ve just felt I need to be alone and quiet and I felt it coming, the blinds were lowering little by little for a few months before I went dark. I have become so accustomed to isolation throughout my life in various capacities, tho in this phase of my life it is definitely a positive. This wouldn’t be the first I’ve taken a time out but I think this might be the longest one initiated by me and not under circumstances where someone else is controlling me and my life.

Quarantine last year was literally the best for me (I know it was extremely terrible for others…like deadly) I was already about that life but some of what’s come of it since is very beneficial to socially selective and anxiety ridden people like myself. Grocery pick up / deliveries, less people outside, social distancing, I’m still meh about masks but I’d rather wear it than not and I do even tho it’s hot and not super easy for me to breathe all the time mostly because I don’t wear the disposable kind…I also don’t go anywhere sooo and I don’t have to wear it while walking and talking all day like I know some of us do, there’s more art and value for it, and just so many other things. Of course lots of people showed their asses (Karen’s) too and all kind of other bullshit so there’s good and bad in it as is in everything. Yin Yang.

Without the bad we cannot appreciate the good. My life has never been smooth sailing…ever, like since the birth of baby me. I’ve had so much bad in my life, but not as bad as some and I know my life could have ended up worse…or just…ended. The good sometimes overwhelms me but in a good way…it also doesn’t help that I’m just a naturally passionate and sensitive person and I seem to feel everything a bit deeper than most people. That’s hard for a lot of people to understand. But also…

I am under no obligation to make sense to anyone, and neither are you💜

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Damn. A lot happened today.