#bc i was thinkin bout carlo's father and he's a complicated guy to work with
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me when character finally starts to feel like a CharacterTM and not some abstract statistician
#its bout eddie's cousin#i can never quite grasp the moment when it's no longer fictional microguy but a real person (to me)#“baby you can drive my car yes im gonna be a star baby you can drive my car and maybe i'll love you” <- her vibe btw#& yesterday realized once again how important it is for me to know what a character looks like#bc i was thinkin bout carlo's father and he's a complicated guy to work with#bc he's deeply self indulgent and it often holds me back likkkkke idk how to explain#some things mean a lot to me and so i try to shove them down deep and smooth them out#and it all comes out not sincere in the end bc being honest is a little scary in this context anyway#(because basically i wanna adjust to what's convenient for others? to put away my personal stuff that actually interests me the most)#i mean i had a vague image of him in my head but it was hm. what it should be? not what i really wanna see yk??#and yesterday i realized exactly what _i_ thought he should look like. i mean like. convincing to me#and just that visual image in my head made it so much easier for me to understand the organics of his character yk yk???#like that made him way more real in seconds?? like i keep forgetting that im makin all this stuff just for myself#random ramblings bc makin fictional stuff will always feel to me as something unbelievable and inexplicably cool. like how tf this works
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