#because im technically closer to feeling good in my own skin than I've ever been (without the risk of dying i mean)
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#tw eating disorder#like a massive tw#like an i personally wouldn't read this because it would trigger me massive tw#after some events in my life happened i started working out to feel like i have agency over my own body and to not fall back into my ed#but#when does working out stops sucking mentally? like i feel both great and bad at the same time and#i know it's because exercise was a big part of my ed and now i ser my body changing and i know i can make it change a lot more#in a way i kinda want it to. is like having a charged gun at all times but the metaphor falls short when i realize some thoughts are..there#like not there *there* but there. tangible. every time my body changes#and it makes me sick because i want to be normal i want to recover i want to have healthy goals and want to experience#having specific body goals as a normal person and i just... can't. because i always take it a little bit too far.#i want to be able to focus on the healthy goals i have like having more stamina. being faster. being stronger. feeling like my body is mine.#and to not focus on that part of ne that tells me i should look like a walking corpse and it's so frustrating.#because im technically closer to feeling good in my own skin than I've ever been (without the risk of dying i mean)#technically the healthiest I've been since the lowest point of anorexia. and there's still a part of me that tells me#i should send all that progress down the rain and get the results i subconsciously never stopped wanting#and it's sick. fucked up. i hate that mental illness and how it just won't fucking go and at the same time i feel like#if fully recovered i would lose a big part of me. and that's fucked up. because i shouldn't want that. I'm doing better now.#why do i still crave bones and dizziness and lightheadedness and crying in winter because it's too cold#why do i still crave being in pain because sitting hurts and no energy to leave the car and my losing more years in that hellhole#it's sick. fucked up. twisted. i don't want to be ill anymore but i relapsed and saw triggering content today and realized#it was never impossibly thin bodies what did it for me. never the look of a magazine model. it was bones. always have to take it too far#fucking sick and twisted. i know i have to continue to choose recovery and being happier. but damn how much i hate anorexia#what it did to me and what it still does to my mind
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