#brokeback mountain science party so true

[sapphic-kid-blog]

the truth is.

Angela Salmeron

Imagine you’re me. You’re twelve and you’re at a family reunion. Family members sitting around you with Wisconsin-made beer turn from the Brewers game on the television and resort to the one question that you’ve been practicing how to answer in your head: “How’s school?” And truthfully, you’re not sure. So perhaps you respond: “It’s fine.” They nod their heads and you think you’re in the clear. But then they ask you: “What are you learning?” And before you know it they’re tacking on the end: “Any cute boys?”

Now I’m sure it varies from family to family, and I’m sure the questions vary in more or less intrusive. Maybe it was never asked, and maybe it was a family friend and not an uncle or cousin. Maybe it was asked but not directly, or enforced another way. But one question for me, stood tall and it stood out among the rest. 

My brain was no longer thinking about what we talked about in Social Studies or the book we read in English. It was no longer thinking about the new formula we learned in Math, or the cycle of the ecosystem in Science. It was thinking about one thing, and the one thing that I had no idea how to talk about: romantic intimacy. 

From the time I got my period at the end of 6th grade, to the time I finished high school, and even sometimes now, I thought I was the odd one out or the only one who wasn’t experiencing romantic intimacy the way others would. Not kissing or hand holding but even things as simple as a crush. 

What I felt was embarrassment. 

Firstly, I never really had crushes or really knew what they were. Friendships in a way felt like crushes to me, and when I had no idea what romantic or sexual intimacy was, I felt confused. So then, I stopped introspecting and I started observing. 

The romantic relationships I saw were comprised of these aspects: wanting to be around a person, telling that person that you didn’t just like them but you like-liked them, and then saying that you now were exclusively partners or “dating”. 

Most importantly: not only were those girls, who were mostly my friends, doing this but they were, as I noticed, only doing this with boys. 

I followed suit. 

Come the first day of band camp — set in a gym at one of the two middle schools in my small, conservative city. With my clarinet in hand, I watched as other girls talked about boys from different schools. I watched as they giggled and flocked in groups to discuss which ones they’d be excited to see in the starting 6th grade class coming up in a few months. 

I saw the first tall boy, who was decently good looking, and told the girls around me: “He’s cute.”  One of the girls turned to me and said, “That’s (let’s call him) Snazzlepants and there’s his twin, (and he’ll be) Fizzywizzy.” Quickly, I acted as though I was still not only interested, but now blown away by the look of this gangly preteen walking amongst the group of kids. 

This was when everything I knew about myself would be different. 

Luckily when the beginning of September rolled around, this boy was in my 6th grade house, also known as the set of students I’d be sharing a side of the middle school with. So as I eventually made friends, the more I had to absolutely drop the fact that I had a crush on a boy. I had to tell them that maybe it would happen between us because one time, I saw him looking at me (wasn’t true) and one time we brushed hands (definitely wasn’t true). They’d be dazzled, awe in their eyes, and I didn’t feel embarrassed, I felt included and important. 

The more twisted I became in this lie, the more I had to not only convince others around me, but I had to convince myself. Not even the bullying from his friends after they all found out would stop me from speaking my lie aloud to anyone who wanted to hear it. 

I spent the days either convincing myself and others that I absolutely loved him or crying because his friends would call me ugly or stupid and annoying over a lie that I was choosing to spread. But it was better than the alternative, of being singled out and feeling as though I was the only one who felt differently than the rest; it was better than admitting a lie. 

This is the first time in my life I felt like I would rather die.

Growing up in my small city of West Bend, Wisconsin, was strange. The town as I knew it was mostly white and definitely a majority, conservative white. There weren’t many people who looked like my dad, dark-skinned, and Spanish speaking, and there weren’t many people growing up around me that I knew who were part of the queer community. But my family, especially my mom, were active in the Democrat party and sticking up for civil rights. I was lucky, I suppose in a lot of aspects to know that if I ever were to come out as anything other than cis and heterosexual, I would not be living on the streets. 

However, being surrounded by a lot of religious friends, spewing the words of their parents, I quickly found out that not everyone was lucky the way I was. I found out that even though my parents taught me, gay was okay, not everyone felt the same. And not only did they not feel the same, they would hate someone specifically because they were queer identifying. 

I traumatized myself with movies like Brokeback Mountain and Boys Don’t Cry, thinking if I too were to express myself that way, I would meet a violent end. The media told me, I would be hated if I were like them, made me believe that I would find the same fate. It was an ending worse than being alone. 

Loving who I wanted to love, because of where I lived, was not an option. It was not even questioned as an option. And even though I hated myself, for telling a lie, for having to deal with the many shitty aspects of that lie, I would continue to tell that lie.

Moving on, I continued to have so-called “crushes” on boys. I continued to force myself into situations that I was uncomfortable in because I wanted to seem normal, and I wanted to seem like there was nothing gay about me. And so, the lie festered. 

I ignored signs of my queerness, and forgot them or didn’t realize what they were. Stealing my dad’s PlayBoys, hiding them under my bed, searching “girls kissing” on YouTube, watching exclusively Lesbian porn only meant I was exploring other options, and though the only option that appealed to me was women, still, it didn’t have to mean I wasn’t straight. Maybe it wasn’t as complex or scary as my thoughts were telling me. So I told myself, it didn’t matter because I could choose. I chose heteronormativity. 

When it came to high school and crushes in a more traditional sense, dating and going to dances, losing one’s virginity, I became angry. Not because I wasn’t doing it but because if I wanted to do it, I’d have to do it with a guy so to perpetuate the lie. 

Getting rid of the last guy, I had moved on to another: one of my best friend’s boyfriends (who’re still dating). This had become a new trend since the stages after my first “crush”; only liking boys that your close friends liked. And I remember so clearly, stepping on so many toes, making so many of my friend’s angry, and pissed off at me. I remember desperately wanting attention, not just from boys but from anybody because I was so sad, and I didn’t know why. 

This was the second time in my life that I wanted to die. 

Now my journal is filled with pictures of prescription bottles, bleeding wrists, and rants about how I just wanted to go away. How I was so angry to be able to breathe rhythmically and have a working heart with a steady beat, mocking me and reminding me that I was alive and I had this pain inside of me that seemed to have no real source. 

When I read back on my words, I am quite literally stunned by the anger, the hatred, and the wish for a violent death. 

I was 18 when I realized what was different. 

One of the first notable girls I had feelings for, changed literally everything. My life, my experiences in childhood, my views about myself, and so many more aspects of my personal life were all ultimately flipped upside down. I knew that this had to be what I was missing in all those years, even if I was still afraid to say it, or even think it. Up until now, romance had been dramatic, painful, gestures had been grand and demanding, and thoughts had been intrusive and obsessive. But now, romance was soft. It was gentle and uplifting, it was simple and it felt so much more palatable. Until I broke up with her on New Year’s Eve because I still just wasn’t gay— nope, not for me. 

And then, I fell in love for the first time. I loved her voice, her eyes; I loved the way that she said my name. I loved her jokes and the way she made me laugh. I loved that no matter what, everything was comfortable with her. For the first time, I pictured myself in the future, being with someone and being happy. 

Finally, I was able to admit to myself: yes, I love women, and the floodgates opened. 

After my girlfriend and I broke up, I dated handfuls of girls (most of which, never lasted longer than a month) because still, intimacy was such an issue. Maybe, it wasn’t that I liked girls but maybe it was certain girls. Or maybe, I wasn’t pansexual, bisexual, queer, lesbian, or whatever I was identifying at the time, perhaps, I was straight and I just experimenting. It could be possible, I’d never know and maybe, just maybe, this confusion would always be there, no matter what I did. 

I was tired; so tired of not knowing, and I just wanted answers. 

There’s something funny about being a gay woman, that isn’t funny at all. It’s the fear of what your life would be like without men— it’s the shame of imagining what you’d feel without the demanding presence of men. It’s the lie that you can only be serious in relationships with men, have children with men, and your life and everything you know to be true, revolves around men. I couldn't picture myself loving women, without also loving men. 

But someone else could. 

My sister has always been a huge presence in my life. And one day we’d just happen to be feeling the single life, so the conversation between us starts with: “We’ll be alone forever, haha.”

What was so different about this conversation was her so sure statement to me that I’d definitely have a wife. 

I turned to her and paused before asking, “Can you even picture me with a man? Or marrying a man?”

Her response, so simple and so true, was: “Nope.” 

Identifying as a Lesbian, now more than ever, feels so right to me. It feels like an identity in which I belong to. It’s a part of me that I’m proud of and it’s a part of me that I can’t change, no matter how much I lie to myself. It’s a part of me I never realized was there until years and years of thinking there was something wrong with me. I am proud to love women. I am proud to have a woman in my life to love. I am proud of the relationship that gives me hope for the future. And I’m proud of other gay relationships that make me feel a sense of belonging and solidarity. 

Of course, there are still struggles: the question if I’m gay enough to have my sexuality be validated, if other people can sense I’m gay, if I’ll be safe, secure, and happy. And there definitely still are some shameful doubts, some questions which make me wonder if some people in my life who know I’m gay, resent me for it. I wonder if there are people in my family, who know, and are too afraid of me to express not only tolerance but support. I wonder if there are some who wouldn’t come to my wedding. 

In the end, I sometimes wonder if it’s all worth it. 

And then I hear powerful and inspiring stories from other members of the queer community, I see their faces shining for me and people like me to be represented. 

And then I remember seeing my uncles love each other so endlessly.

And then I hear her voice, and know without a fraction of a doubt that it’s worth it. 

[salmankhanholics]

★ Salman Khan invited to be a member of the Academy Awards !

Film Academy Invites Record 774 New Members, From Gal Gadot To Betty Whiteby

Pete Hammond | June 28, 2017

UPDATED with Cheryl Boone Isaacs interview:  The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences have unveiled 774 new members (although 30 0f those names are duplicates over several branches) invited to join the Oscars organization, bringing the total membership closer to 8,500 -ish.  This is a record number, up from last year’s  683. The invitees come from 57 countries, the organization says in unveiling its list, with the list comprising 39% female and 30% people of color (poc), both numbers increasing overall totals in those categories which has been a focus of AMPAS over the past couple of years. AMPAS now boasts overall female membership to 28%  and poc  to 13%, both marking incremental increases year to year on the Academy’s stated journey to doubling those areas by 2020.

Elle Fanning is the youngest invitee at 19, while Betty White at 95 is the oldest. The list of actors also includes Wonder Woman‘s Gal Gadot along with other superhero types like Chris Evans , Chris Hemsworth, Dwayne Johnson,Chris Pratt and more. SNL is heavily represented with current and former cast members invited including Amy Poehler, Kate McKinnon, Leslie Jones, Maya Rudolph , and Molly Shannon . There are quite a few veteran TV names not known for movie work in the class including Sharon Gless, Lou Ferrigno, Debbie Allen (who choreographed the Oscar show for several years though) and White. It seems some of the branches dug deep to come up with names for this year’s list  which also includes 24 Oscar winners and 91 nominees already. Among directors, Get Out contender Jordan Peele, Moonlight’s Barry Jenkins, the Russo brothers, and  Tom Ford are on the list which is heavily dominated by international names. The latter development is for me the most impressive in terms of this continuing membership drive. It appears the Academy is really trying to become the United Nations of cinema and if they keep  going at this rate they just may succeed.  How this extremely diverse new membership list affects the Oscars is anyone’s guess, but I would say the old ways of trying to predict how Oscar voters would behave are quickly fading  as a heavily globalized organization just could continue to shake things up.  When I spoke to outgoing AMPAS President Cheryl Boone Isaacs about this shortly after the list was revealed she wasn’t thinking so much about its ultimate effect on Oscar outcomes. “All of our members are professionals at the top of their forms, every last one of them. And I believe that they vote based on their knowledge of particular skill sets , and that’s what they look for .  What’s most important is that each year more  people are actually  looking at more films and really taking a dive into the film , both from their branches and areas of expertise as well as the film itself , and that is certainly what the voting for Oscars is , but it also involves  more people getting involved in our Nicholl Fellowship screenwriting awards, or the Student Academy Awards , or the Sci Tech area,  all of what we do. It’s not just the Oscars,” she said.

As for the record number of invitees this year , and the ongoing membership drive, she said she is not necessarily counting on it being this big each year. “We are not looking at numbers in that way. What we are looking for is inclusion. Whether the numbers will continue to be at these levels we will know each year, but probably not. We are not looking to grow the organization. We are looking to have our organization more representative of men and women, here and around the world who are participating in the art form,”  she said adding there are a lot of factors involved and that includes a larger global footprint. “We are not looking to increase membership. The goal is instead to increase a diverse membership that represents us around the world.”

Actors

Riz Ahmed – “Rogue One: A Star Wars Story,” “Nightcrawler” Debbie Allen – “Fame,” “Ragtime” Elena Anaya – “Wonder Woman,” “The Skin I Live In” Aishwarya Rai Bachchan – “Jodhaa Akbar,” “Devdas” Amitabh Bachchan – “The Great Gatsby,” “Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham…” Monica Bellucci – “Spectre,” “Bram Stoker’s Dracula” Gil Birmingham – “Hell or High Water,” “Twilight” series Nazanin Boniadi – “Ben-Hur,” “Iron Man” Daniel Brühl – “The Zookeeper’s Wife,” “Inglourious Basterds” Maggie Cheung – “Hero,” “In the Mood for Love” John Cho – “Star Trek” series, “Harold & Kumar” series Priyanka Chopra – “Baywatch,” “Barfi!” Matt Craven – “X-Men: First Class,” “A Few Good Men” Terry Crews – “The Expendables” series, “Draft Day” Warwick Davis – “Rogue One: A Star Wars Story,” “Harry Potter” series Colman Domingo – “The Birth of a Nation,” “Selma” Adam Driver – “Silence,” “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” Joel Edgerton – “It Comes at Night,” “Loving” Chris Evans – “Captain America” series, “Snowpiercer” Luke Evans – “Beauty and the Beast,” “The Girl on the Train” Fan Bingbing – “I Am Not Madame Bovary,” “Cell Phone” Elle Fanning – “The Beguiled,” “20th Century Women” Golshifteh Farahani – “Paterson,” “AboutElly” Anna Faris – “Scary Movie” series, “Brokeback Mountain” Tom Felton – “A United Kingdom,” “Harry Potter” series Rebecca Ferguson – “The Girl on the Train,” “Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation” Lou Ferrigno – “The Incredible Hulk,” “Hercules” Gal Gadot – “Wonder Woman,” “Fast & Furious” series Charlotte Gainsbourg – “Norman: The Moderate Rise and Tragic Fall of a New York Fixer,” “Melancholia” Jeff Garlin – “Safety Not Guaranteed,” “WALL-E” Spencer Garrett – “Public Enemies,” “Thank You for Smoking” Domhnall Gleeson – “Star Wars: The Force Awakens,” “Ex Machina” Sharon Gless – “The Star Chamber,” “Airport 1975” Donald Glover – “The Martian,” “Magic Mike XXL” Judy Greer – “Jurassic World,” “13 Going on 30” Rupert Grint – “Moonwalkers,” “Harry Potter” series Noel Gugliemi – “Lowriders,” “The Fast and the Furious” Jon Hamm – “Baby Driver,” “The Town” Armie Hammer – “The Birth of a Nation,” “The Social Network” Naomie Harris – “Moonlight,” “Skyfall” Leila Hatami – “A Separation,” “Leila” Anne Heche – “Rampart,” “DonnieBrasco” Lucas Hedges – “Manchester by the Sea,” “Moonrise Kingdom” Chris Hemsworth – “Thor” series, “Rush” Ciarán Hinds – “Silence,” “Munich” Aldis Hodge – “Hidden Figures,” “Straight Outta Compton” Bryce Dallas Howard – “Jurassic World,” “The Help” Bonnie Hunt – “The Green Mile,” “Jerry Maguire” Jiang Wen – “Rogue One: A Star Wars Story,” “Let the Bullets Fly” Dwayne Johnson – “Moana,” “Central Intelligence” Leslie Jones – “Ghostbusters,” “Masterminds” Keegan-Michael Key – “Don’t Think Twice,” “Keanu” Aamir Khan – “3 Idiots,” “Lagaan” Irrfan Khan – “Life of Pi,” “Slumdog Millionaire” Salman Khan – “Sultan,” “Bajrangi Bhaijaan” Rinko Kikuchi – “Pacific Rim,” “Babel” Zoë Kravitz – “Divergent” series, “Mad Max: Fury Road” Sanaa Lathan – “Out of Time,” “Love and Basketball” Carina Lau – “Infernal Affairs 2,” “Days of Being Wild” Tony Leung – “The Grandmaster,” “Lust, Caution” Rami Malek – “Short Term 12,” “The Master” Leslie Mann – “Funny People,” “Knocked Up” Kate McKinnon – “Ghostbusters,” “Office Christmas Party” Sienna Miller – “The Lost City of Z,” “American Sniper” Janelle Monáe – “Hidden Figures,” “Moonlight” Michelle Monaghan – “Patriots Day,” “Gone Baby Gone” Viggo Mortensen – “Captain Fantastic,” “The Lord of the Rings” series Ruth Negga – “Loving,” “Warcraft” Franco Nero – “The Lost City of Z,” “Django” Elizabeth Olsen – “Avengers: Age of Ultron,” “Martha Marcy May Marlene” Deepika Padukone – “xXx: Return of Xander Cage,” “Piku” Sarah Paulson – “Blue Jay,” “12 Years a Slave” Robert Picardo – “Hail, Caesar!,” “TheMeddler” Amy Poehler – “Inside Out,”“Sisters” Chris Pratt – “Guardians of the Galaxy” series, “Jurassic World” Zachary Quinto – “Star Trek” series, “Snowden” Édgar Ramírez – “The Girl on the Train,” “Joy” Phylicia Rashad – “Creed,” “For Colored Girls” Margot Robbie – “Suicide Squad,” “The Wolf of Wall Street” Maya Rudolph – “Maggie’s Plan,” “Bridesmaids” Hiroyuki Sanada – “Life,” “The Twilight Samurai” Henry G. Sanders – “Selma,” “Whiplash” Rodrigo Santoro – “300,” “Love Actually” Rade Šerbedžija – “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1,” “The Quiet American” Nestor Serrano – “The Insider,” “Lethal Weapon 2” Amanda Seyfried – “Les Misérables,” “Mean Girls” Molly Shannon – “Other People,” “Me and Earl and the Dying Girl” Anna Deavere Smith – “Rachel Getting Married,” “Philadelphia” Hailee Steinfeld – “The Edge of Seventeen,” “True Grit” Kristen Stewart – “Café Society,” “Twilight” series Omar Sy – “Inferno,” “The Intouchables” Wanda Sykes – “Snatched,” “Evan Almighty” Channing Tatum – “Hail, Caesar!,” “Foxcatcher” Aaron Taylor-Johnson – “Nocturnal Animals,” “Kick-Ass” Lauren Tom – “The Joy Luck Club,” “Cadillac Man” Jeanne Tripplehorn – “The Firm,” “Basic Instinct” Paz Vega – “Kill the Messenger,” “Sex and Lucía” Dee Wallace – “Grand Piano,” “E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial” Ming-Na Wen – “Mulan,” “The Joy Luck Club” Betty White – “You Again,” “The Proposal” Rebel Wilson – “Pitch Perfect” series, “Bridesmaids” Mary Elizabeth Winstead – “10 Cloverfield Lane,” “Swiss Army Man” B.D. Wong – “Mulan,” “Jurassic Park” Shailene Woodley – “The Spectacular Now,” “The Descendants” Donnie Yen – “Rogue One: A Star Wars Story,” “Ip Man”

Quote from Deadline

P.S. He still has to expect the invitation.