#but Shinae and Nol's entire development is so well done? how they've affected each other

[trashlie]

ILY FP 206

Oh my god oh my GOD what an episode, right?! It’s going to take everything in me to not spoil this outside of my read more text cut lol but MAN what an episode. I think this might go up in my top 10 favorite episodes, if I were to create one of those, if only for the good material we got and the art. WOW! I feel like quimchee is personally catering to me and everything that I covet lmao we’ve got CALLBACKS we’ve got further parallels we’ve got explanations of the past, we’ve got TENSION! I, for one, feel like a cat who discovered the bag of catnip, and I’m going to yell SO MUCH in this post!

Man, the lighting and expressions in this particular episode are so good - the flashback was largely simplistic in its work, simple backgrounds, simple expressions, things mostly expressed through use of color. But we’ve returned to the present where Nol is holding back nothing - he is comfortably Nolan in his skin, no loner putting on a front or hiding his darker, potentially scarier side. When he found the Math Club photo in the previous episode, we didn’t see his eyes, which alone gave some indication to his feelings about his discovery, but that expression we finally get to see as he looks at the photo and talks to Shinae - WOW. In the past, as Yeonggi, he would never have allowed himself to show that side of him and was always so careful about the image he presented.

Nol is holding nothing back, now. With Shinae, he’s showing an authentic version of who he really is. 

The way the shadows fall on his face makes him look almost haunted. 

There’s so many good details in the art of this episode, ngl. The sequence of Shinae’s memory being jogged and snippets of that meeting flooding back to her, culminating in that close up of her eye, that red pupil with the scratchy jagged lines around it. A+ art, the shock of both the return of those memories and the realization that Nol has pieced together what she tried so hard to keep from him, something she did not want to b the one to tell him about, aaahhhh! 

Something interesting about this is that despite how things ended between Shinae and Alyssa, in a way, Shinae is trying to protect her (just as much as she’s trying to protect Nol). It wouldn’t be difficult for her to just admit the truth upfront - that yes, it turns out the ex-friend who kind of ruined my life is, indeed, your girlfriend. There’s something almost sweet about it - Shinae has been very careful to not influence Nol’s relationship, to not be that kind of person. Even before she ever knew who he was dating, she drew clearly-defined boundaries in effort to ensure that her involvement couldn’t lead to a falling out with his girlfriend. And here she continues to do that. She doesn’t want to influence how he sees Alyssa, she doesn’t want to be the reason they might fall apart. But at the same time, she is protecting not only Nol, but also herself and Alyssa. Shinae never says “Alyssa isn’t like that anymore” or anything like that. Her entire point of reason is that she knows her memory isn’t reliable, and that she doesn’t know the full story. It’s awfully mature, tbh, to be able to acknowledge that her experience is not the sum of that whole affair, that Alyssa’s side of the story is something she lacks and never had a chance to know. In contrast to her current situation with Nol, where he has inadvertently come clean and she now understands why he left, Shinae still has no idea why things with Alyssa played out the way they did, only the vague assumption of what Alyssa wanted vs how she acted. 

To be honest, I think as much as Shinae wants to protect Nol and Alyssa’s relationship, she also wants to protect her memories and the handful of good she experienced with Alyssa. Though things ended badly and she internalized that hurt and repressed it for so long, that was Shinae’s first friend, someone she was so eager and excited about. When we’ve been hurt or betrayed, it’s easy for those good memories to become soiled, to become infected by our bitter resentment. You forget that there was ever any good, because all you can remember is the bad, and how it makes you feel. 

I think we see that with Nol. The way he reminisces on Alyssa almost suggests that they were never very close, that his relationship with Alyssa never compared to his relationship with, say, Dieter or Soushi. Again, this episode plays with expression and framing SO MUCH and it’s SO well done. “She’s not important to me. So don’t feel bad.” We don’t see Nol’s expression when he says this. In fact, we only see a close up of his face, eyes hidden, as he asks Shinae to be honest. Quimchee uses the hidden eyes a lot, especially with Nol lately. I think it’s less that Alyssa was never important to Nol as much as she no longer is. Once upon a time, she was a friend he tried to steer straight, to save from Yui’s villainous grip. Again, we see that down-up view of Nol, his face cast in shadows, eyes cold as he states that he hates Alyssa’s nature. In a way, Alyssa is a failure of Nol’s - at least, this is probably how he views it. There was nothing he could do to keep her out of Yui’s grip, to save her from that woman. In fact, Alyssa continued to willingly walk into the lion’s den. 

We have that contrast again of Alyssa and Shinae - how Alyssa was unable to see beyond Yui’s facade, or even worse, how she was willing to endure Yui to get what she wanted. It makes her look selfish and spineless, wishywashy. Nol resents that, in the end, Alyssa made her choices, and in the end, all that remains of their former friendship, of the relationship they had, is one that is transactional. Don’t get me wrong, I think Nol does care about her still, in a way. I think there’s a high likelihood that Alyssa also still cares about Nol and Shinae both, but in a way she can’t act on, that she has to repress and shove away. I don’t think she feels particularly good about what she does, which is why she deflects. It’s easier to place blame on others than acknowledge that you are the one actively hurting people you care about, right? 

In a way, Shinae and Nol both care about Alyssa to some capacity, and largely in a way that is rooted in the past - who she was, what their relationships were. That’s the thing, right? You don’t have that kind of bitter, festering resentment towards someone if you never cared about them, if some kind of affection (whether romantic or platonic) never existed. There was a time when Alyssa was a person Nol wanted to help, maybe even when she was a person he enjoyed talking to and hangout with along with Soushi and Dieter, but those days are long gone. 

On the balcony at the hospital, he asked Alyssa what if they start to resent each other, because he already did. Because the weight of their transactional relationship had become that much of a burden, because there was nothing he could do to help her anymore and she felt more like a leech than a balance, because she had become the very kind of person who he resented. Swept up in the world of the Hiraharas and networking, Nol had become as invisible to Alyssa as he was to anyone else. Whatever remained of their friendship had run its course. 

Where Nol has allowed his memories to fester - the way his memory shows the gap between him and Alyssa increasing as he turns away from her and eventually has his hood up, back to her, the use of that intense red, Alyssa’s hollow puppet eyes, Yui a marionette puppeteering Alyssa, so menacing - Shinae has tried in vain to protect it, to reassure herself that there must be more to the story or maybe she’s made it all up, that maybe Alyssa was not as horrible as she looks. Both of them seem to acknowledge though, what praise does for Alyssa and the extents she’s willing to go to to earn it. 

And again, that juxtaposition - Alyssa is so malleable, is (or at least was) so willing to do whatever if it earned her praise, where Shinae’s integrity refuses to accept undue praise or handouts. It’s not explicitly stated, but it’s easy to glean that this is likely a big reason Nol was so drawn to Shinae, who always expressed concern for him, who never saw him as invisible, who has made a point to demonstrate how much she cares about him. When tempted by Yui, Shinae fought back and sees through her shiny veneer. Of course it must be intriguing, that someone can push back against Yui and not be poisoned against him by her. 

In fact, everything about this episode is SO heavily laden with how much their relationship matters. Shinae cares enough about Nol that she refuses to be the reason that his relationship with Alyssa is ruined. Nol cares about Shinae enough to start to feel comfortable as himself, doesn’t wear his mask, and offers her honesty, going as far as to call her out on her refusal to be honest. They’re taking turns baring parts of themselves to each other, sharing things they likely have never shared with anyone else. It can’t be that Nol is still drunk and his inhibitions are lower - he’s calculating looking over Shinae clutching the book to her chest, takes a step back and looks at her like that, admonishing her for lying when he’s being honest. They are actively acting on that importance to each other, the understanding that they have to be honest in order to understand each other. 

Nol is so comfortable, in fact, that he even shares a tender little memory - just a little snippet of it - about his mom. He’s always been careful not to mention her to his friends, to not bring up anything about her. The day he crashes the study session at Dieter’s, Shinae asks him about his mom, meaning Yui, and without knowing what Shinae means he switches mood completely. But here, he shares just a little piece of the distant past, and Shinae, realizing that he must be talking about his mom, offers her hand.

And GOD I love this moment SO MUCH. The dance that never was at the formal, a deal made at the masquerade. Everything comes full circle in that moment. It’s Shinae to Nol’s rescue, it’s Shinae making an offer, it’s Shinae offering friendship needed. Throughout the series, Nol has reached out to Shinae so many times, never letting himself close the gap except the one time that he hurt her. Once upon a time, Shinae drew boundaries between them and here she’s the one crossing them. Knowing what she knows now of Nol’s life, of his family, of his mother, it’s a gesture I don’t think is made lightly. Could Nol be happy, if only for a moment, if she sings and dances around to Christmas music with him like they once did? 

And god, listen, there’s a LOT of reading into this that we could do. The dance at the formal that never was - Nol denying a dance with Shinae to keep his distance, as Kousuke requested, as Nol surely had already decided upon. Maybe had Kousuke not demanded that Nol keep his distance, Nol still would have refused the dance (especially given that Shinae had previously drawn those boundaries around them), but what is to stop them now? There’s no Kousuke in the room to express disapproval. Shinae knows the relationship isn’t real, that it’s nothing that needs to be respected as she was before. Now it’s just them and the bits of their souls they’ve bared here alone in the dark. 

And again, back to the way Nol has spent so much of this series reaching out to her and refusing to close the gap - that he even did it just last episode! For it to be Shinae, this time, who reaches out to him, who offers the hand he continues to deny himself, is just SO SO SOOOOOOOO good and satisfying! Shinae is taking the initiative that Nol won’t allow himself. 

And listen man, I try, I try really hard not to be overly shippy about things but GOD the seeds have been sown, haven’t they? I have so many FEELINGS about how INTIMATE these last few episodes have been, the way their angry exteriors have thawed away and left these pockets of honesty. Shinae has been spending this time doing her best not to spook Nol - won’t ask about his mom lest he bolts again, careful about what she asks and says - and it just feels so intimate, to sit here in the dark together and bare their souls a little bit. Nol telling Shinae things he’s probably never told anyone else, just as Shinae told Nol a story she probably hasn’t told anyone else. I love the way they are just drawn to each other and let their defenses down. Nol has spent so much time trying to put distance between himself and Shinae, to escape her gravitational pull, but so many times he always wound up drawn back in. AND I LOVE IT, OKAY. 

Do they realize the ways they play off each other? Shinae has started to see their parallels (and the way they foil each other there, too - Shinae has become aware of her internalized self-loathing in a way Nol has yet to) and has a tendency to always respond to him even without realizing it. Last episode we see her response to his proximity and honesty, confused about why her heart is reacting lol. There’s also her raw anger at Nol still putting that distance between them, pointedly calling her Yoo. What she hates is that he’s trying to create that buffer, because using her first name is too close. If he keeps calling her Yoo, he can pretend that they’re not as close as they really are, that she isn’t as important as he’s already proclaimed. Shinae doesn’t want the distance, she doesn’t want the buffer. 

I also really love that she continues to call him out, and how her experiences with Alyssa have given the ability to see things how she does. In the way that her truth and Alyssa’s truth are not the same, Shinae notes that Nol’s truth and her truth are not the same - her image of him is not the way he sees himself, and neither one of them are more true than the others. In that regard, I think we will see that Nol isn’t as “innocent” in whatever it is he thinks he’s being punished for, but that he’s also not the one wholly responsible for it. Suppose this is about the incident with Kousuke, maybe Nol has internalized that he possibly hurt someone, without giving acknowledgement to what could lead to it. Was it self-defense, was it him reaching a snapping point, was it instigated, did something push him and his buttons? Nothing in I Love Yoo is black or white, only shades of grey. 

Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, but I can’t help but feel that all the foundation that’s been laid is slowly building now. The sown seeds are slowly, SLOWLY, maybe starting to sprout. The way Shinae has always played off of Nol and has subconsciously responded to him so many times - as he pulls away, she pulls closer; as he stops chasing, she begins to - makes me think that maybe we are seeing a little spark. I don’t think anything romantically would come of them for a long time, until we have a time jump, maybe, since Shinae is not really aware of what she’s feeling, or why she’s reacting the way she is. And frankly, Nol is so full of self loathing that I don’t think he could entertain the idea of it. I do think it could be there between the lines - he made an effort at one point with Alyssa and gave up when he realized it was fruitless, when she became someone he couldn’t stand. Does he ever think about the ways Shinae foils Alyssa? Is that why he tried so hard to keep that distance between them? He must be aware of how he succumbs to her - that whole incident in the rain proved it when he finally reached out and held her in that tight hug, before he finally steeled his resolve against her. I’m always so curious of what goes on in Nol’s head, what he tells himself about their relationship. The admission that Shinae, like Soushi and Dieter, is important to him is probably something he denied to himself for so long. 

And look, maybe just this once, he could let himself have this. Just this once, a stolen pocket of time with no one else around, no one to approve or disapprove, nothing but their own choices and intentions. The dark is for lowering inhibitions, for authenticity, and maybe for allowing yourself what you ordinarily wouldn’t.

I mean, yeah I do think they’ll probably be interrupted lol - wasn’t Minhyuk supposed to be bringing them medicine? and we heard Kousuke grousing about needing to get away from the singing lol, though I don’t think he’s the type to just go barging into random rooms - but I hope if they DO get interrupted, it’s only after they’ve allowed themselves to indulge. 

Sure, Nol could refuse her, and maybe Shinae might even feel disappointed if he did. But, idk, maybe it’s just the hopefulness speaking, but the whole thing about being vulnerable in the dark, under shadows shielding you from what might ordinarily prohibit you, I can’t help but to feel (or maybe just hope) that Nol will indulge himself. Shinae’s extended hand isn’t just an invitation to dance, but an offer of her friendship, of their mended relationship. Take her hand and become partners in crime once more. Once upon a time he extended an offer to her he didn’t really mean, and this time she does the same, but full of sincerity, on the hope that maybe she could rekindle a long lost memory of his that he can no longer enjoy. Nol will never again dance around and sing with his mom, but maybe he could build new versions of that memory with Shinae. 

ALSO someone pointed out that next week’s episode comes close to Nol’s birthday, which it finally is in the storyline, and LISTEN you can’t tell me that we’ll see nothing of it, right?! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I’m so excited for this next episode I’M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIIIIIT. 

I could write so much more about just... the nearly tangible tension, the redevelopment of their relationship, the ways they affect each other, but for now I’ll refrain. Maybe I’ll babble in another post lol. I just. I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS about where they currently stand. Nol is so certain he’s a monster, someone dangerous, and he isn’t holding back anymore. He shows dark, shadowed expressions he’d ordinarily refrain from letting anyone see, and though there’s plenty of reasons for Shinae to have reservations or to doubt herself, she continues to believe in him, unflinchingly unafraid of him. Though Nol can only see himself as a monster, she’s still able to see the humanity in him, the heart of gold he doesn’t acknowledge, and will continue to hold onto that for him. And I’m a SUCKER for that, I’m A SUCKER for how they’ve developed, how they’ve grown so important to each other through these shared experiences but more importantly, by what they’ve seen in each other, what they believe in, and trying to preserve that for one and other. 

Once again, the thing I love so much about them, especially as of late, is that aspect: that they can see in each other things the other cannot, or couldn’t. Nol saw in Shinae a person who had built walls around herself, who kept people out, and wanted to help her do what he couldn’t, wanted to help her open up. Shinae is returning the favor - she sees in him what Nol can’t yet, and continues to fight for him until one day he’ll be able to see it himself. They hold mirrors up to one and other! They respond so intimately to each other! Nol knows how to read Shinae like a book, what her body language is saying, what she means even when her words say something else, and Shinae is learning the same. Don’t ask about his mom, he seems angry, he’ll bolt, how does she placate him instead, how does she get him to continue to open up? Their development is SO well done and GOD I cannot get enough of it I AM SO! LKAJFJKFKJFJKFJ living for this episode, living for this ENTIRE ARC. 

God I’m so satisfied lmao