#but dedicated to everyone who's in the shit and halfassed trying to fight their way back out

[averseunhinged]

it is the end of the summer and project: secret plan to treat my own anxiety disorder until i can find a semi-local psychiatrist who is both taking patients and not a complete wackadoo has been. you know. hits and misses.

(+) have figured out my newly diversified social media usage to some extent, i.e. where i'm comfortable posting what content

(-) really, really hate juggling bluesky, instagram, tumblr, and the artist formerly known as twitter*. it makes me feel even more scattered than i normally do.

(+) removed most of the social media apps on my phone. it feels more manageable when it's not a constant barrage of notifications. i still have tafkat and bluesky on my phone, at least for now, but the rest are strictly laptop only.

(+) wrote things, both fic and original, with the actual intent to share them

(-) still having phases of massive panic attacks while writing, because i dared contemplate potentially allowing other ppl to read it in some capacity or another

(+) not having them every single time i open up a word document, tho. sometimes it even feels as fun as when i'm handwriting in notebooks.

(+) participated in fandom stuff

(+) sort of

(+) like the bare minimum of participation

(-) and then: panic/horror/despair

(+) but i'm kind of figuring out how it all works in the year of our lord etc. and there is LESS of the aforementioned, which...jesus, i can't even begin to describe how nice it is to be able to do things i really do want to do without the meatsack totally shutting down, because it can't read the room, and thinks i'm for realsies going to die.

(-) i was for sure using the wrong strain of sativa for a while

(-) white durbin was a bad scene for me

(+) do recommend jack herer and og sour diesel for adhd, tho. they sort of streamline the braining, but don't totally jack me up.

other more personal ups and downs, too. so. progress. ish. not as much as i (unrealistically) wanted, but there was some at least? i don't have a ton of secret plan stuff going into autumn, other than REALLY do it up for the autumn/winter holidays this year, if i'm well enough, because my sister broke off a long term relationship with a guy who was not holiday fun.

more of what i've already been trying to do, i guess. if i have to. which i do. being a very high risk person during the plague times broke my brain (which was already a cesspool of medical trauma, self-conscious anxiety, the sads, and no-longer-medicated adhd), and it's deeply annoying that doing things that make me feel short-term awful makes me feel long-term better.

i'd like to keep doing wip wednesday, but multifandom. i would like to actually finish fic and post it. i would like to do exchanges. i would like to review things. i would like to participate in and contribute to fandom at least to the level i used to. which was pretty minimal in the grand scheme, but it was something.

*if we are friendly here and you would like to be friendly on other hellsites, i think i'm at a point where that's okay. dm me or whatever. i do private life stuff on tafkat (very open about my severe medical problems, so content warning) music/tv/movies/food babbling on bluesky, and mostly use ig to keep up with friends and family, but haven't posted anything myself in years. unfollow amnesty for everything always. we can still be friends, even if you don't want to know my every opinion on trap-infused pop country or whenever i end up almost dead in the hospital for the millionth time.