#but she kept her girlfriend. probably now her fiancee. she kept her college. she's achieving internships. she's living her dreams

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

I got a number blocking app so that I could call you. You probably still have my actual number blocked, and if you don't then I couldn't risk you knowing I'd tried to call you. I need to be clear, I wasn't trying to trick you into answering me. I just needed to hear your voice. Even if it was only saying "I can't come to the phone right now, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can."

The first time I called, I hung up immediately. Even though it's 3am where you are, and if you're anything like you were four years ago then you've been asleep for four hours already. I was just deeply terrified that you'd answer and I'd have to fight the need to talk to you again. Because if you had answered the phone, I wouldn't be able to hang up without trying to say something.

So this is dangerous. Because one of these days, I'm afraid I won't be able to resist the urge to call you during waking hours, and you're going to respond. And I won't be able to hang up. I'll have to say something.

Because god, I don't know how I've lasted these last four years without our nightly texts. I don't know how I've gone four years without video calling to practice sign language. I don't know how I haven't gone insane from not hearing your voice. And now I don't know how I won't go insane, knowing that if I called you might answer, and that I cannot call you.