#but suddenly for nb trans people that's not relevant? we're basically binary if not more so?

[boyjadzia]

I’m gonna put this under a readmore bc it deals with like, unwanted advances/intimate contact, not sexual assault but just like men being gross, generally, also it’s really long

so this weekend I went to this party, I was invited by a dude I met on tinder. I didn’t know anyone there, I didn’t even really know him, we’d never met before. maybe I was a dumbass for just going with it, even though it was obvious he was interested in me and I wasn’t sure I was interested in him? but I thought, I’m an extrovert, I like meeting people, and I feel like I can’t really decide how I feel about tinder people just from a few texts back and forth, so I was sort of hoping I would be interested in him once I met him. idk.

Anyway, he was clearly flirting with me when we were texting and once I got there he was basically on me the entire time. like, hovering over me, had blatantly no interest in introducing me to other people at the party (also he was at least a foot taller than me). I guess I tried to push away my discomfort bc I’m used to feeling like I’m “colder” than i “should” be bc of my antidepressants and complicated relationship history that makes me not want to jump into things. and I don’t get many opportunities to feel like people are into me, being trans, and my friends thought he was good looking so. I just went with it. Even though he really didn’t present me with much evidence that he was actually an interesting person, and I probably should’ve picked up more on the fact that he couldn’t sense my discomfort.

well long story short I tried to keep him at bay, I left the party to go walk a dog and came back, (and I kind of didn’t want to go back but I did anyway bc he asked me to and I was like well alright I should try to put myself out there, be cool, have fun. why was I trying to convince myself this thing that obviously wasn’t fun was fun? why didn’t I trust myself. idk.) but I went back, and drank a bunch more, and eventually he started putting his hands all over me, I mean not sexually just like rubbing my arms and my back and sides. i felt conflicted about it bc on the one hand, like I said, I’m normally pretty isolated from romance and physical intimacy by being trans, and he wasn’t exactly coming on to me explicitly, but on the other hand I wasn’t actually comfortable with it. and I was really drunk. so I basically just sat there and did nothing and he kept it up (he was also super drunk, but that’s not relevant). and we were having a conversation (with some other people) about like, gender and sexuality and whatever and I think he sensed that this was like, kind of a heavy subject for me, so he was trying to be comforting? idk. but he definitely also just wanted to touch me.

Anyway, eventually it was late and I had to leave, and he offered to let me stay, and I declined, and he offered again as I was going out the door, and I declined, and he kissed me a couple times which I don’t remember very well bc I was very drunk but also just extremely tired. I never really rebuffed him. I was just ambivalent, and he just pushed ahead.

I was kind of vaguely uncomfortable with all this from the outset but it took me a day or two to really process it. but what’s getting to me is like, now I’m reading all these articles about sexual assault that people have been sharing and I’m struck by the fact that this very easily falls into that pattern. Like I said he didn’t actually do anything explicitly sexual, but it was on that path. he wasn’t paying attention to me or what I wanted. he didn’t really care, he only thought about me in relation to himself. it’s messed up.

But the thing that’s really really getting to me is like, these articles are always about women, and I’m not a woman. it says I’m trans very explicitly on tinder, I only have it set to men looking for men, this guy never would’ve met me under the guise of my presenting as female. but I know I look like one, and even beyond that, I’m just a generally small and effeminate person. and one of the things he said in the course of our convo about gender and sexuality was that he’s pan but he doesn’t actually like men that much. or, the way he framed it was that he “doesn’t prefer dicks” which, yikes. and all his previous relationships had been with cis women. idk, I don’t think he was a chaser, but even being super drunk and tired I was taken aback and it def made me uncomfortable.

so part of me wonders, was he acting that way bc he saw me as “basically a woman”? or is this just how he acts, with everybody? this is messing me up a lot because, I’m a nonbinary person, not a man, my masculinity really only feels relevant to me in the context of intimate relationships/sexual orientation, and yet I’ve been feeling so much pressure lately to “pick a political category” because I have to either fall on the side of oppressive/male or oppressed/female. and I know that not being a woman means benefiting from misogyny, etc etc, I don’t care about trying to avoid that, it’s just that in situations like this— where this guy’s behavior was still probably related to my not-maleness, even though he knew I wasn’t a woman so like it obviously wasn’t misogyny, idk. I already feel really alienated from maleness for a lot of reasons. but this wasn’t transphobia in the sense of him not seeing me as a “real man” because i’m not. this was its own weird mix of like, nonbinary/gnc-related transphobia and toxic masculinity, or something.

I’m just confused. because I know nb women (pretty much always AFAB tho) who get annoyed at the implication that you can be a nonbinary person and not a woman and still be oppressed by men. like, the idea that you would be part of a “political category” that maleness oppresses and yet not a woman is an oxymoron. but I just feel like idk how else to conceptualize this. how else do you describe this kind of predatory male behavior? the fact that he definitely didn’t see me as a man, and I’m not? this is why the separation of transphobia and misogyny as being like, totally unrelated axes of oppression feels lacking to me. Bc they’re very intertwined, even if they’re obviously two different things.

I’m just tired of feeling confused and like a bad person. like being nonbinary and trans is an empty statement and not something that I live every day that impacts my life. I’m tired of cis-adjacent nonbinary people, who aren’t trans and are aligned with the binary gender they were assigned, dictating the terms of how nonbinary ID relates to gender as a political construct. of feeling like i’m a bad person for thinking of incidents like this as relating to a larger pattern of oppression by cis men because what else is it? transphobia, yes, but a particular type of transphobia that’s bound up in maleness vs. my lack of conformity to maleness. that reinforces a distrust and fear of men, not just cis people. I’m tired of feeling like this means I’m not really trans and should just go back to IDing as a woman or woman-aligned.

basically, I’m tired of having to deal with binary trans people’s lack of empathy for nonbinary trans people, and non-trans nb people’s presumptuousness. I’m tired of my experience not making any sense and feeling like I don’t fit into anything.

I legit don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like I have any of the right answers. the idea of talking about the oppressive behavior of men in terms of “women and nonbinary people” feels dangerously close to the preposterous “women and femmes” thing. and there are obviously issues women have that I don’t. but like, how am I supposed to deal with the emotional fallout of being preyed upon by men if I’m alienated from every gender-based social grouping in the course of these discussions?