#but there's hope... Shuuji can be saved...

[pumakaji64]

Every now and then I remember Shuuji Kayama and how his arc is one big metaphor for what it's like to grow up instilled with venomous self-hatred and how it turns you cruel towards others and yourself- how it's about falling victim to the cycle and growing up to become yet another chain in the harm but also how it can consume you and destroy you completely-

BUT there's still hope in his story- hope that he can break free with the right support and guidance- with a wake-up call and a better role-model- and not only learn how to love himself but start the journey on getting better and doing better to those he's hurt along the way- because Lopmon is both his victim and himself and I-

[kodapi]

" When are you going to start letting people look after you, huh? "

Estinien is stern, stiff, as he carries the ailing Warrior of Light back to their accommodations at the inn. He's ever observant of his comrades, pretending as if he is disconnected as he sits off to the side with arms folded and gaze austere, but he is always watching. It's how he'd seen the sway, the unsteadiness... the beginning of knees buckling and, worryingly, the eventual COLLAPSE. Thank goodness he'd even been around to catch Shuuji, else the obviously sick man would have hit the ground and potentially WORSENED his condition.

" Stop pushing yourself. I am serious. I can hear the struggle in the way you breathe, the cloudiness of your gaze, the unnatural warmth of your body... you are not well, Shuuji, and if this gets back to Aymeric, I fear there is no saving you from his panic. "

// BREAKS DOWN YOUR DOOR, from Estinien~

     [ Ravished by Illness || Voiced Concerns » Accepting ]

     ‹ It was so easy to forget one's own ailments in the rush of things. So caught up in the moment, Shuuji barely gave himself time to process that warmth that bloomed in his lungs and branched out through his chest; it was just from all the activity, he thought, until later in the day the pain had begun. ›

     ‹ By the time his legs had weakened, his head spun too much to even notice his gait had changed — full glad was he who was scooped up by Estinien before his face married the floor, then. The following walk back felt like trying to navigate an ocean of gelatin, disoriented with staggered steps and a struggle to keep up, down, left, and right all accounted for, arms wrapped as tight as he could manage as though the Elezen were his only anchor to the world remaining. ›

    ❝ Honestly, I... didn't even realize... that I was ill. ❞ ‹ exhaled Shuuji as he let his head loll over onto the side of the dragoon's shoulder. › ❝ By the time I noticed... I thought I would be able to sit down... soon enough. Overestimated myself... ❞

     ‹ Once the door to their room opened, he dared to let his head rise only to swiftly return it to where it had been in fear that the world would roll upside-down on him and take both of them with it. Each time he spoke, multiple shallow gasps for air punctuated his words and made him reel a bit to catch his balance before he was finally set down upon the couch. It was when he was devoid of Estinien's warmth that he realized how truly chilled his body felt despite being told it burned to the touch, with every inch of himself wrapped up on the arm of the couch to re-anchor himself to something more stable than just trusting his lower half to not slip away off the cushion. ›

    ❝ I hope you can... forgive me for putting this on you more than once... but also... I'm deeply thankful you're watching out... when I've got blinders on from my duties... ❞

[fearowkenya]

Winds of Change

In a perfect world, all it takes to make things right with Lopmon is a punch to the face and a sincere apology. In a perfect world, if the timing's just right, the worst can be avoided. In a perfect world, it's easy to make amends. But this is not a perfect world, and Shuuji has to take the good with the bad if he and Lopmon are going to come out of this mess stronger.

Chapter One: Clouds on the Horizon Shuuji's trying his best to recuperate from what happened in the waterway, but it's difficult to recover when Ryo's determined to commit a misdemeanor

ao3 link in source, extended end-of-chapter author's notes below cut!

chapter 1 of this behemoth of a fic ive been working on is finally out!!! it's taken me just over a month to get the whole thing done, and im really excited to be posting it. i hope my formatting is okay - i dont have a beta reader, so im stuck relying on my own perspective. it's not a big deal now, but as the rest of the fic is published, i can see myself getting a little worried about structure and pacing.

the driving force of this fic was my dissatisfaction with the tonal dissonance that part 6 has during truthful route. in every other route, it works GREAT. but because nothing bad really happened in truthful save for some ooh ahh scary fog, the kids' fearful reactions seem totally exaggerated, and it's such a shame! so one of the main ideas behind this fic is figuring out what would have to happen in part 5 truthful that could make all the mistrust and paranoia in part 6 actually feel warranted.

if you've read the chapter, you know what my answer is! i won't elaborate on it now, but when i post chapter 2 next week, you know i am absolutely not going to shut the fuck up about it.

the other driving force behind this fic is actually two small things rolled into one.

first: there's an easily missable conversation between ryo and shuuji during part 6 if you click around in the shopping district. it's so silly. i love it. i didn't see it during my first play of truthful, so when i found it during my current one, i damn near fell out of my chair when i clicked on the ice cream cooler. fuckin got jumpscared by ryo and shuuji's portrats popping up like a pair of bowling pins out of nowhere.

second: ryo and shuuji just don't show up at ALL during the fight against garurumon. like i know the reason they don't is because the game dev situation was probably quite dire and they had to cut stuff in order to make deadlines. it kinda sucks, but i imagine it was totally out of their control. im sure if they had the time and resources they wanted, there wouldve been an alternate version of this fight where shuuji and ryo are included, but im actually not super bothered by it because it means i get to ask the question "so what were they doing instead???" well, if you take the stupid ice cream cooler conversation into account, it implies that the reason that shuuji and ryo miss SUCH A MAJOR FIGHT is because they're too busy having their stupid competition. Unbelievable. but that's actually quite convenient for me, because that's the exact window of time where half the segments of this fic take place.

anyway, that's gonna do it for chapter 1 notes! thank you for reading this far, and i'll be back with chapter 2 next week!

[tofueggnoodles]

They’re Back! Araiso Private High School Student Council Executive Committee Vol. 1 Scene 5

Click here to listen to the track on youtube.

Summary: All's well that ends well. The three new members of the Executive Committee get a taste of the exciting school life they’ve been longing for, even as they impress the old-timers with their efficiency.

--------

Matsubara (sighs): The Student Council election went off without a hitch.

Ainoura: And we’ve completed the enrollment of the new members for the Executive Committee.

Murota: Thanks to Fujiwara’s quick thinking, we averted a crisis which would have spelled an end to the existence of the Executive Committee.

Fujiwara: Enough with the empty praise already. Even after what I did, you guys are still treating me like a spare.

Tokito: What are you sulking about? How disgusting.

Katsuragi: He’s just depressed because guys with better looks than him have joined the Executive Committee.

Tokito: What’s that supposed to mean? Hey, there’s no need to feel down, Fujiwara.

Fujiwara: Tokito-senpai...! 🤩

Tokito: In the first place, I, the universe’s Number One handsome idol, have always been in the Executive Committee anyway. You’d be Number Three at best.

(Fujiwara gasps in exasperation. A chime, similar to one heard when praying to a picture of the dead displayed on a Buddhist altar, resounds.)

Ainoura: Ah, Fujiwara just dropped dead on the spot.

Matsubara: That reminds me – where are Osamu and his friends?

--------

Ryuunosuke: Ah, look out, Shuuji! Stop tottering like that!

Shuuji: Why am I being made to carry the heaviest stuff?

Osamu: That’s obvious. It’s because you’re the strongest one among us.

(Someone slides the door open.)

Ryuunosuke: Hey, you old-timers! This is not how you should be treating us!

Kubota: Welcome back.

Shuuji: Damn it! My hands hurt!

(He and the other two drop whatever they are carrying.)

Ainoura: Oh, that’s a lot of stuff. So you’ve been out shopping?

Murota: You’ve brought this many plywood planks too.

Katsuragi: Of course they’ve. From now, we need to prepare the stage props for the Snow Queen play. Everyone, get to work!

(The others comply with sighs of resignation.)

Katsuragi: What about the expenses claim for the material?

Osamu: We found a hardware store, a woodworker and a dressmaker in the neighborhood which offer the required material at low prices. Moreover, since we were buying in bulk, we successfully negotiated for a fifty-percent discount. In the end, we reduced the total cost to approximately sixty-two percent of the budget.

Ainoura (whistles): Well done! Can you put together a detailed statement of the expenses?

Osamu: I’ll have it done in five minutes.

Ryuunosuke: And so, with a small portion of the money we saved, we bought everyone ice-cream!

Tokito: Oh, how thoughtful of you. I’ll have thecrispy chocolate cone!

Shuuji: Ah, that’s unfair of you to go first.

Tokito: Old-timers ought to get the first pick. Isn’t that obvious?

Kubota: Ah.... this one looks delicious – it’s miso ramen flavored. Wanna give it a try?

Osamu: I’d be fine with the rum-and-raisin ice-cream.

Matsubara: The green tea ice-cream’s mine, okay?

Murota: Is the banana-flavored one sweet?

Ainoura: Yay! The chocolate chip ice-cream’s still left.

Fujiwara: W–what about me?

Katsuragi: Hey you guys! Eating is fine, but get on with the work while you’re at it.

Ryuunosuke: Here you go – a strawberry-flavored ice-cream for you, Katsuragi-chan.

Katsuragi: Er, thanks. You’re definitely cut out to be a host, Ryuunosuke. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Host_and_hostess_clubs#Host_clubs]

--------

(Sounds of hammering and woodworking.)

Tokito: Still, this place feels cramped now that there’s more of us.

Kubota: It’s become more lively too, so that’s not really a bad thing, is it?

Tokito (laughs): That’s true.

Kubota: I hope that someday, even when we’re no longer here, this place will still be filled with boisterous members working together like this.

Tokito: I’m feeling a bit envious of them.

Kubota: Are you now? If it’s you, no matter when and where, you’ll always be able to enjoy life to the fullest, won’t you?

Tokito (laughs): Naturally. If you doubt that, why don’t you try confirming it yourself?

Kubota: How shall I do that?

Tokito: Just stay by my side and watch me.

Kubota: The whole time?

Tokito: The whole time.

Fujiwara: You two! Don’t get lovey-dovey there!

Shuuji: Eh? What are you talking about?

Katsuragi: It’s nothing. You’ll get used to that sight before very long.

Ryuunosuke: Won’t you help us nail these planks in place, Tokito?

Tokito: Yeah. Leave it to me.

(Someone slides the door open.)

Student: Hey, Executive Committee! The first-years from the soccer club just got into a large-scale brawl at the school entrance!

Ainoura: Ah, and at such a busy time for us too!

Tokito: Right on! Let’s go, Kubo-chan!

Kubota: Okie-dokie.

Ryuunosuke: Wait a minute–

Tokito: Chamu, Tatsu, Shuuji – you guys come along too. [Tatsu: Ryuunosuke’s nickname, likely written with the same kanji as the one for Ryuu.]

Shuuji: Eh?

Matsubara: Nothing beats a hands-on training, does it?

Fujiwara: What about me?

Murota: Odd jobs are worthy undertakings too.

Katsuragi: I don’t mind you guys going off to stop the fight, but come back promptly as soon as you’re done.

Osamu: Give us twenty minutes.

Katsuragi: That’s too much. Fifteen minutes would be more than enough.

Kubota: Well then, let’s start the countdown. (runs off with the other guys)

Ryuunosuke: They’re fast–

Tokito: You guys are slow!

Katsuragi: Good grief. It’s just impossible to find the time to get tired of life while hanging out with you guys.

--------

(Round brackets): actions and sound effects. [Square brackets]: translator’s notes or clarifications. Double asterisks **: Stuff I am not sure of. Suggestions for improvements and corrections are more than welcome.

[not-too-many-eyes]

Digimon Survive, Mistakes and Moving On Part 5: Truthful

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Takuma Addition]

Day 7 of Survive Week: Farewell

This part will focus on the Truthful Route, and what it means for the story, exploring how this route connects to the larger themes of the game.

Were almost at the end! When I started this I didn't expect to make a series of meta posts but I'm honestly glad I did, there really fun to write and I like talking about this game so much.

Spoilers for: parts of Moral, parts of Wrathful, parts of Harmony and all of Truthful CWs: Death, abandonment

Children's Sacrifices

As I briefly touched on in Moral, the Kemonogami world is being sustained by children's sacrifices and Ryo and Shuuji's deaths are connected thematically. You are lead to believe that without Ryo and Shuuji, your journey would flow smoother, that without them your goal can be more easily achieved.

But that's not true, Shuuji and Ryo's deaths are what causes Truthful to be locked, you can't get the best ending without them.

But aside from Shuuji and Ryo, the cast of Survive is filled with children who are seen as disposable, and some of them have been taken advantage of for one reason or another. Kaito and Miu are the best example of this, both of them felt abandoned by there parents because of how they treated them after the stalking incident and were ostracized when they moved.

And the ones who aren't seen as disposable are usually trying to keep a "persona", one that's often likable and "not bothersome". Saki acts carefree and open because she's scared of people hating her, Aoi is responsible and patient even if it harms her and in Wrathful specifically she is very concerned about proving that she's "right" and Minoru forces himself to maintain a happy-go-lucky demeanor and jokes around to ignore his problems.

There's seemingly a divide here between "bad kids" and "good kids" but both camps suffer anyway. Because it doesn't matter if your the goodest kid to ever exist or someone that was kicked out of hell for being too bad. Because there's always the chance you'll be "sacrificed" for the greater good, used by others for there own gain, abandoned for no good reason.

Even before the events of this game, people that believed in the Kemonogami would sacrifice children to the for good harvest or prevent disasters, sacrificing them for "the greater good"

And one of these kids is the main villain of this story, Haruchika. Haruchika Truthful is called Truthful because the cast is finding out the "Truth" of this world, and the history behind the villain they've been facing this entire time.

You see, some time in the past, (Wikimon says the Kamakura period but I can't find the text in game that says that so-) there was a lot of war and strife so five children were sacrificed for "the greater good," those five children harnessed the power of the "God Beasts" also knows as the Four Sovereign Masters, and the one who orders them all, Fanglongmon.

Haruchika was one of these children, offered up by his sister, Yukiha Minase. The feelings of hatred and betrayal that he felt from this is what created The Master in the first place.

The four other children sealed him away, turning them into ghosts in the process. But that really didn't do anything to stop him, and he's been able to drag people into the Kenomogami world and use them to sustain it. Until now.

The main villain of Survive only exists because of a "sacrifice for the greater good" and his hatred of his is only able to continue because all the ghosts did was to seal him away.

Even the ghosts acknowledge their failure, and hope that the cast can do the thing they couldn't do. Save Haruchika.

Takuma and the rest, when asked, hesitates a bit, because Haruchika is trying to End The World, has been trying to kill them all, and has abducted Miyuki. Why should they help him? Because it's the right thing to do.

Seiryu Ghost: The boy is simply drowning in anger Seiryu Ghost: If you can bring him to his sense, this entire world will be saved! Seiryu Ghost: So please, help him-help Haruchika. Takuma: (The Master-Haruchika. The mastermind behind all of this. Is he also a casualty of power?) Takuma: (I can't forgive him for throwing the world into chaos, and abduting Miyuki...) Takuma: (I can't say I'll save him for sure. Who knows if our power will work on the Master.) Takuma: (Still...If someone's in trouble, and only we can handle it, there's only one answer.)

Sealing him away does nothing, killing him means that the worlds will take forever to connect again, leaving him alive and unchanged means he's able to hurt others again, but helping him, however means that the worlds can unite slowly and peaceful.

So they do, they help him, they bring him back to his senses, and Haruchika cries, the guilt of his actions weighing him down, but his sister is there to bring him to a place where this sad, angry, hurt, boy can finally rest.

Conclusion

Digimon Survive, like most Digimon properties, is a deeply empathetic work. It's about doing the right thing even if it's hard, it's about sacrifices and bad kids and kids who are trying there best to not mess up horribly. It's about how we fail the people around us and how we have to do better.

And it's one of my favorite works of fiction ever.

Ending Notes: The Takuma addition has also been posted so if you want you can go read that! I've wanted to get into the "bad kid/good kid" Survive subtext since Part 1, very happy I finally get to explore it. Writing this series of essays made me realize how many games I've been playing with similar themes, I seem to have a type when it comes to what themes I enjoy in a story-

While I think Truthful isn't as great as the rest of the game I do like how it connects with the games themes and what not. I really wish Haruchika was fleshed out a bit more, the villain of Survive being another sacrificed child, thus making the entire conflict of the game be caused by a sacrifice for "the greater good" just works so well thematically.

Honestly just generally while I don't think Truthful is as great as the rest of the game I really like what it does for it thematically. It kinda unites

I know Haruchika and his sister mainly parallels The Professor and Miyuki but I feel like Kaito, Miu and Dracmon and Aoi, Saki and Labramon are the stronger parallels. Feel like there's a stronger connection with the Harmony and Wrathful routes than the Minase siblings we know...

Survive week is created by: @surviveweek

[wrong-melody]

Chatachter: Hanma Shuuji (Age: 18).

Pairing : Hanma X female Reader

Type : Angst, fluff? Probably towards the end

Warning: none

Words count: 1.9K

Song: Call a name - Luck Life

Chapters: Part 2 || Part 3 (soon)

〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰

"If I kill, would you leave me ?!"

It was one of Hanma's rare days when he is not acting as his usual energetic self looking for fun but lost into his thoughts.

He just finished his warm shower after being completely soaked by the rain before coming to your shared small apartment. Nothing is on but a boxer, and didn't even bother to put a towel on his head, leaving the water dripping from his hair as he sat on the edge of the bed.

His question caught you off guard and made you look into his reflection in the mirror as you stopped brushing your hair. You thought he wasn't in the mood after some fights when he arrived, but knowing him since your elementary school days, nothing good is in his head when he is quite like that. An energetic kid turning into a quiet kid means something is wrong with them, and Hanma was just as simple as that.

"I mean, I know even if I don't kill, you still can leave me anytime for any reason but .."

He stopped as his thoughts weren't even clear for him to voice them out yet. His orange eyes stared at the nothing, but you can see darkness slowly replacing the light that was fading from his eyes.

"We've known each other for 10 years right? you already know what I am capable of doing but you .. and you .. you are just ... "

Again, he was lost .. so lost. He was barely voicing one idea at a time before going back into a deep silence in his own world. The strong thunder sound wasn't helping either as Hanma didn't need any loudness beside the unclear sound of his thoughts.

You turned around to see the real Hanma as you slowly started walking toward him after you grabbed a towel from the closet.

If there's a version of me

that exists within your heart,

Then even amid the darkness

on this long, hilly road,

I feel I can become a new me,

Able to make my way through!

"You are just too clean. Too pure even for this world and I .. a person like me is never enough ..  I don't even dare to think i am enough for you or anyone in the first place. I can change gangs whenever I want, they can kick me out whenever they want. I am replaceable . You can replace me too. It's expected. It is the logic I live based on, so I have never been angry when these things happne and I ...no, but you ... "

This time he stopped not because he was lost again in his thoughts, and nor because of the strong wind that was screaming to break your window, but because he could see your legs within his vision as you stood before him.

You put the towel on his head and moved your right palm to his left cheek and that took him one second before he melted into your gentle touch and gently holding your hand back by his own. The fact that he can't keep his hands off you also means he is also touch starved. And at this moment, he looked like he would hold your hand forever, with no intention of letting it go, as if it's going to refill his empty soul that was with him for his entire life with something, something that he didn't even know but something that he believed it would be enough to keep him to be himself.

"How long are you going to be with me ? Would you even give me a chance to say my goodbye to you ?"

"Shu"

You tried to intrrupt him, to call him, to save him from the darkness he was sinking into.

"If we sleep now, would I wake up tomorrow with you beside me ?"

"Shuji"

You called his name again hoping that your voice would be louder than any thought in his head.

"As if I am the actual definition of impurity, I am only staining your soul .. acting like all i care about is fun , and saying honest words like 'I love you' , but without telling you how much I hate you at the same time."

It hurt. That tingling sensation in your chest, it hurt so bad upon hearing these words but even though you tried again.

"Shuuji!!!"

"This impurity inside of me has always been there. It is also me. Part of me. I don't hate myself so I've never hated it before. But now, the more I love you, the more I hate that part, the more I hate me too"

Pain was growing stronger with every beat your heart did and with every breath you took. You wanted him to stop saying these words with a broken smile and a hopeless voice.

Taking in a deep breath,

I drink it down, then release it to the sky.

Am I allowed to believe

That everyone can find happiness?

Even me?

"Now, every time I hate it, I remember this hate is because of your purity, so I hate you too. I want my impurity to be stronger than your pureness. At least by so, your purity wouldn't have an affect, and my impurity wouldn't feel loneliness, wouldn't want to disappear, wouldn't want to be something or anything but impurity"

You aren't sure if what he was saying was making sense even to himself but this time you put your other palm on his other cheek. Holding his face with both hands, making it easier for you to move his head up, at least to guide his eyes from looking down into your feet, to look into your eyes.

"It's like I am the 'Sin' itself and you are my 'Punishment'. At this po..."

"Hanma shuuji !!!!"

It is his name. Not Zombie or Shinigami, but Hanma Shuji. And you loudly shouted that name while searching for his soul that was hiding in the darkness behind his eyes.

He blinked a few times as he finally recognised your voice among the million voices of his million thoughts. That voice has changed the broken smile into a soft one, getting him back into your reality as he is also looking back into your soul, silently asking it to forever keep looking for his soul, no matter where it hides but to always find it.

"I guess no one would notice if I were gone,"

I whispered, as I looked up to the sky, alone.

Then amid the wind, I heard,

From somewhere far off:

My name,

A gift that allowed me to remain who I am.

"Wow. Long time since I heard that name. Yes sensei ?!"

He said in his usual playful tone, and that put your aching heart at ease, at least by knowing that he was completely with you in the same world, even though the pain from his previous words was still there.

"I'm nothing like you've said. I am not pure at all.  I become my own devil a lot of times and you have seen it all"

You were trying to reason with him and with everything he said.

"I don't believe in such a thing too. I am not pure and you aren't the opposite. You can hate me for that if you believe it but I will always love you regardless"

Did his smile get smaller? Is it almost fading now? Yes it is and you were scared. He didn't give you any reaction to what you said and that made your heart ache once again

"I wouldn't give you a chance to say me a goodbye. I wouldn't leave so your goodbyes have to be if you wanted to leave. And I .... "

He intrrupted you after he firmly grabbed you by your left arm and pulled you down to lay on the bed after he did so.

"I know all of that. You don't need to say anything anymore"

He said after he pulled you closer to his chest, so you were able to listen to his fast beating heart.

"No. I will say it a million times until the heart of your beats normally. If we sleep now, I will be by your side. I wouldn't go anywhere and if I...."

"Not even to the toilet ? So you will hold it until you do it on the bed ?!"

"Yes I will hold it until I do it on the bed. And I don't like your logic. No one can replace you. I don't know about the gangs but for me, if it's not Hanma Shuji then I want nobody. You aren't replaceable."

Damn Hanma for ruining the mood like that with your playfulness. But you went along.

He didn't reply .. but you didn't need it to know that he became calmer than a few minutes ago just by listening to his steady heartbeats. A comfort silnce had taken a place between you two until it was broken by him

"Well, I guess there is only one clown on earth that can stick to me forever"

"I am serious"

You said half angry after you looked at him, not really in the mood.

"I am serious too. When I told you those thoughts, they weren't questions about your honesty, I was just kind of questioning myself in a way but I guess I ended up hurting you in another way too"

He kissed between your eyebrows and tightly hugged you again.

"Hearing my name from you hits differently. If I'm allowed to act like Hanma Shuuji .. then these thoughts don't matter anymore. I am sorry doll for saying that I hate you"

Another kiss was placed on the same place, but upon hearing his appoligy you bit your lower lip trying to prison the tears that were threatening you to escape.

"I can handle these words. You don't have to apologise for hating me but saying it while you are hurt makes me hurt even more. so at least if you, even if one day you truly hate me at least don't say them while you are hurt. So I can believe them that way. So, ..."

"So I am sorry. I didn't mean them. So no more sad clowns. No more of a clown hurting another clown, hmm?"

He was quick to wipe your tears away with his fingers after you failed in prisioning them.

"I'm not clown tho"

He chuckled at your pouting replay.

"That's not for the discussion my doll. My dictionary says you are the perfect definition of a clown"

"I AM NOT"

His smile didn't fade this time but his eyelids were heavy and you could see him fighting them as he played a little bit with your small fingers before he intertwined them with his. You know he will drift to sleep soon and sleeping this way for him meant that a weight from his chest finally disappeered.

"And for your first question, you won't kill and I will always be with you"

These were your last words to him that day, and were the last thing he heard before he slept with a faint smile on his calmed face. They weren't false assurance, you meant them, you meant every letter of these words, you promised him.

Whenever you're darkened by sadness

and your tears overflow,

Whenever your heart floods with loneliness

and begins to waste away,

I'll call out a name, your name,

So that you can remain who you are.

〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰

Part 2 : Soon

Feedbacks are appreciated 🖤🧡💛.

Mero.

[newtgati]

Digimon Survive Spoilers please do not read any of this if you have not beaten the game these are my personal thoughts! This is my opinion incoming ⚠️⚠️⚠️

——————————————————————————————————————————————————

I’m gonna be perfectly honest and say that I really didn’t enjoy this game as much as I would have liked. And I do want to clarify that yes I did know it was a visual novel and only 30 percent combat, I bought this knowing exactly what it was marketed as. What I have gripes about is not the format, it is the story and characters. If you enjoyed this game all the power to you! These are just my silly little ramblings and feelings and I don’t expect anyone to agree with me!

There is a lot of recycled dialogue, and it didn’t feel like a lot of the characters had development. Rather most of it fell down to them having doubts about the situation, their Digimon partners telling them to cheer up and believe in themselves, and then realising that they can get through this and feel better. This isn’t bad...

...Until you realise that you have heard this conversation about 50 times over through the course of the story.

It gives the illusion of depth, of course I’d understand if this sort of thing is done after a character death. In fact one of the better parts of the story in my opinion was chapter 6 after the death of Shuuji, where Minoru and some others started to feel scared of their Digimon since they had the potential to turn bad and dark digivolve. After Minoru’s fight with Falcomon they do feel like a unit and their development does feel earned. This cannot be said for most of the other characters however. I understand that they are all children in a dreadful situation but I felt we barely got to know most of them, even when going out of my way to try and raise affinity with everyone that I could. I wasn’t expecting the deepest or complex characters but with the amount of dialogue written I felt there was enough space for some sort of character development. But instead many felt flat to me. There were many instances of repeating the same thing with everyone as well, like in the sewers or in exploration segments where you’d have to fight or do the same action in each area, just because it worked once for one character, doesn’t mean I need to see the same thing happen with another with slightly altered dialogue to accommodate.

Also this was my first playthrough and I got the moral ending, which was probably the most neutral. I know the game is intended to be played multiple times and you need new game plus to get the truthful ending which has everyone alive and is the best one. But after the first I don’t feel too motivated to do this. Having to play a forced flawed run in order to play the everything again for the best outcome I really don’t like.

My main gripe however and was the actual deal breaker is how the game handles choice. Having there be 2 scripted deaths really bugs me, especially since the game hammers it in that you could have prevented them when you cannot. I feel that instead it would have been better to have a more fluid story where any characters could have died, had their affinity not have been enough, to be locked out of saving people by default I feel is a bad design decision in my opinion. Maybe there should have been a hard limit the first time through that made you really think hard about who to spend time with, so you would still have some deaths on your hands, but at least they would have made sense and up to you. You made the choice. I know this would have been much more tedious to implement and write but I was kinda hoping for more choice. As for the deaths themselves, they were interesting but the fact that Ryo and Shuuji can’t be saved anyway the first time makes them much cheaper all around. You just kinda watch it happen while the game makes you feel like a jerk for letting them get this bad. The post credits “If Ryo’s affinity was higher maybe everyone could have survived” was more of a punch in the gut rather than a way to spur me on to start the truthful route and save everyone. I don’t know if I was the only one who felt this way about that in particular.

I enjoyed the gameplay, it was mainly easy throughout but a swift difficulty curve toward the last through fights. It’s also great that we have an origin story about how the Digimon world came to be as well as prequel to Adventure.

I’m not gonna leave a bad review don’t worry, this game just didn’t do it for me personally, and I don’t want to add to the unjust review bombing that some people are doing. It didn’t make its mark on me and that’s ok. But for anyone who may have disliked it I’d thought I’d voice what I didn’t like in case anyone agreed. I still want this game to do well so Bandai know we care about getting Digimon games in the west! Poor Yokai watch 4 never even got an English release :(

[breadbrioche]

➵ Linhardt von Hevring x GN!Reader

➵ Word Count: 959

➵A/N: Lin doesn’t really appear thaat much buuutt HAPPY BIRTHDAY @sakiyama-shuujis​!!! Not me using unposted work as a birthday gift akslfjdjdkskdhf you haven’t read this one anyways so its cool lol this was inspired from a prompt list I found a while back but I can’t really remember which oops

Sometimes you wonder how you got into this mess. You wondered how you ended up here; a mediocre restaurant in the middle of the town centre, sitting opposite of a guy more interested in himself rather than his date. 

You recalled just hours earlier when you were hanging with Hilda and the topic of relationships were brought up. And of course she wanted to set you up with someone. Looking back on it, agreeing to this whole thing was stupid.

“Go on a blind date!” She said.

“It’ll be fun!” She said.

If this was Hilda’s definition of fun, you really wondered if she was just wishing you a death wish. Because listening to a self righteous ass with a stick up him prattling on about his noble duty -or whatever he called it- is fun. 

Your eye twitched uncontrollably as you found it hard to keep up your amused façade, furiously texting your aforementioned friend (though who knew what your relationship was anymore; making you go on this ‘date’ was really pushing her luck) underneath the table. Fully in Caps Lock, you complained furiously to her, demanding if this was some sort of joke and if she wanted a death wish. After this was all over, Hilda really had it in for her. You’d make sure she would regret setting up this whole blind date situation.

“...and that’s how I single handedly saved the whole company from- are you even listening?” The guy (what was his name? Lorenz or something something like that) asked, looking quite offended. You perked up, suddenly aware he was actually speaking to you for what seemed like the first time in the hour you were there for. You wanted to scoff; the answer was quite obvious to you. Who would want to listen to some guy ramble on about how great he was? 

“Huh? O-Of course!” You lied with your fingers crossed underneath the table. You really hoped he believed it because you really couldn’t bother with dealing with him anymore.

“Then what was I just talking about?” He further questioned. Hahaha…well fuck.

You giggled awkwardly as you looked everywhere but in his direction. Your silence was all that was needed to answer his question. He slammed his hands on the table loudly, catching the attention of other people in the restaurant. You groaned and covered your face.

“How dare you! Do you know who I am? I am Lorenz Hellman Gloucester, the son of-“ you didn’t bother listening to anymore of what he had to say. While it would be amusing to listen to him go on and on about himself and defending his honour was super hilarious, his loud mouth was attracting too much attention and you really didn’t want to be associated with him. Plus, retaliating would probably just make him louder. You rolled your eyes, knowing that this date had gone to shit so you didn’t bother keeping up your cheerful act. Seeing as it was pretty much over, you got up from your seat and made your way to leave. Though you were only able to take a few steps away from him before he practically demanded you to stay and listen to his entire rant.

“Where do you think you’re going you-!” Was the final thing you heard Lorenz shout at you before he suddenly became awfully quiet; the sudden silence accompanied by a distinct splashing sound. Whipping around, you couldn’t believe your eyes.

You cackled out loud at the scene in front of you; your previous ‘date’’s front half was completely soaked, ruining the illusion of the rich pretty boy aesthetic he was going for (which didn’t really work out for him, in your opinion). Next to him was a young green haired man who obviously had enough of Lorenz as well, seeming as he held an empty glass of water aimed at the pompous ass in his hand.

Lorenz spluttered about, not able to find words to describe how embarrassed he must have felt. He hastily grabbed his stuff and stormed out of the establishment, bumping into you as he fled the scene. Your eyes followed his figure as he almost broke the door’s hinges from opening then slamming it shut in a matter of what was probably a fraction of a second.

You giggled. A part of you thought to pity him but after the hell he’d just put you through, he deserved it. Curiously, you peered over to the direction of the table you were previously situated at to see the green haired guy approach you so casually as if he didn’t just pour water on someone. 

“‘Evening.” He greeted you halfheartedly, sticking out a hand. “Linhardt von Hevring.” Politely, you shook his hand and introduced yourself as well.

“Thank you for… uh, saving me?” You said, not really being able to describe what he did. Linhardt huffed out a chuckle.

 “He was too loud. I just did what everyone else wanted to do.”

For a second there was an awkward pause between the two of you. Though the silence was appriciated after having to have dealt with a guy like Lorenz Hellman Gloucester (honestly, you should have known better than to go out with someone who had such a ridiculous name), it was quite weird just to be standing in the middle of a restaurant. 

“Would you like to have dinner with me instead?” Linhardt suddenly requested. “You went out with him so you seem like someone who wouldn’t have any other plans tonight.”

Damn. This Linhardt guy is fucking brutal. You snorted, unable to deny it.

“Sure. Just promise you won’t spend the entire time talking about yourself?”

“You can count on it.” Linhardt nodded. “I’d rather learn about you anyways.”

[aquilaaqua]

The Path You Take

A oneshot of a possible conversation between Kidou and Aphrodi after the Raimon v Kidokawa Seishuu match in Go that we were never given. Takes place after the match in ep 31.

 The match between Raimon and Kidokawa Seishuu was not a perfect one for Kidokawa with their hiccups. But thanks to Aphrodi’s guidance and Taki Sousuke’s eventual corporation with the team, the team had come together stronger than they were before.

 It was amazing how the coach’s supervision managed to unite a team that was close to falling apart completely, Kidou thought. He was alone at the stadium at Raimon’s bench, thinking back to the match. The players had retreated to the changing rooms and the audience was trickling out. Someoka was kind enough to distract the team with his stories of his team in Italy for them to question him staying out here.

 Beating the opponent team pre-Aphrodi would give the Resistance a huge boost in votes, showing the flaws of the Fifth Sector’s soccer. But clearly Ishido Shuuji was not going to sit back on his fancy throne and let that happen. It was puzzling why he chose Aphrodi of all people and why Aphrodi accepted. Kidou was certain that the blond would join the Resistance, and he hated being wrong.

 Initially, he sent a message to the former Zeus captain when he learned he was back in Japan. However, it was never replied and it fell to the backburner of Kidou’s mind when he had to focus on Teikoku’s team and keep the Resistance secret from them.

 “Kidou.”

 Kidou tilted his head at the speaker, lips twitching into a smirk, “Aphrodi, long time no see.”

 Said blond haired man smiled back and sat down beside Raimon’s coach. “I have to complement you and your team. You put up a good fight for us.”

 “I could say the same for your team. Despite being your first match as their coach, you already had a grasp of your player’s capabilities and came up with a strategy for the pitch downs in a short time. Though, I am surprise that you did not know about this field’s traps.”

 Aphrodi listened to what his former teammate said and quietly sighed. “I want a fair fight against Raimon.” His eyes met Kidou’s googles with an intense stare. “You of all people should realize that.”

 “Then why join the Fifth Sector?”

 There was another sighed and Aphrodi tilted his head back to stare at the sky. “Nothing about me becoming Kidokawa’s coach is related to siding with the Fifth Sector. And nothing about this match is about determining whether the Fifth Sector or the Resistance is right. I only did it to save the team.”

 “And the Seitei let you?” Kidou snarked.

 “He and I do not want to see the team be destroyed by soccer, that is more than enough for him. Kidokawa Seishuu needed someone who didn’t make them side with anyone. I was a neutral party in this fight and understood the destructiveness of soccer better than anyone.”

 They sat in silence for a few minutes. It was not very uncomfortable between them. Neither interacted much when Aphrodi briefly joined Raimon but there was always a mutual respect between them for their skills and ability to break free from their past.

 “Why didn’t you join the Resistance?” Kidou finally asked the question that was on his mind for a long time. “I heard that you left the Korean national team and came back to Japan last year. But you kept on a low profile and never replied my messages.”

 “Hm, it’s a long story actually.” Aphrodi shrugged.

 “I got time.”

 “Very well.” Settling himself to get comfortable, Aphrodi began his explanation, “When I was in Korea, I did a few modelling gigs during my spare time. I met my wife during then.”

 Kidou perked up when he mentioned his wife. “I did not know you are married.”

 “We kept it a secret, but Nagumo and Suzuno knows. They were with us when we got married. She is a Japanese lady who was training in Korea to be a makeup artist. About five months ago, we found out that we are expecting twins.”

 “Then this might be late, but congratulations.”

 “Thanks.” Aphrodi nodded in thanks. “Anyway, I realized do not want to put my kids in the spotlight of being the children of a pro soccer player. I never told anyone about it, but it was because of my father’s fame that it drove me to use the Kami no Aqua to get stronger.”

 “I never realized.” Kidou said quietly. “So you decided to quit and return to Japan. It does explain why you kept a low profile.”

 “Yes. I later learned about the Fifth Sector when I got back. But because of my wife and my kids, I could not risk getting under the Fifth Sector’s radar and let anything happen to them.”

 “I understand. But that does not explain why you became Kidokawa’s Seishuu’s coach.”

 Aphrodi’s eyes darkened at that. “I was getting to that. Somehow, Ishido Shuuji found out that I’m back in Japan and where I live.”

 “…He didn’t.”

 “He decided to drop by to see me. I did not want to listen to him at first, but he showed me Kidokawa Seishuu’s matches.” There was a heavy exhale. “It was bad. Despite playing according to the Fifth’s score order, there was a clear divide in them and signs of infighting. He asked me to replace their last coach and save the team. I could not in good conscience let the team fall apart like that. That’s why I agreed.”

 “I see.” Kidou huffed. “Then, what will you do now? With the team united again, the Fifth might remove you since you have fulfilled your role.”

 “I’ll cross that bridge when it comes. But for now, I’m going to support my team in whatever they decide to do, whether it is to continue to side with the Fifth Sector or play free soccer.” With that finality, Aphrodi stood up and gave Kidou a parting smile. “I will take my leave. We should not keep our students waiting.”

  When Aphrodi rounded the bench, he found Kishibe standing awkwardly. The awkwardness grew when he realized his coach knows that he overheard their conversation.

 “Kantoku…”

 “Let’s go.” Aphrodi simply said. They walked back into the stadium’s corridors in silence. When they were approaching the locker room, Aphrodi came to a halt, causing Kishibe to pause as well.

“Kantoku, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop…”

 “How much did you hear?”

 “Just the last part.” There was a pause before Kishibe hesitantly ventured, “Are you going to be removed from your position?”

 “Who knows?” Aphrodi shrugged. But there was a secret knowing smile on his lips. “But for now, the Seitei and I have an understanding. He will not remove me as Kidokawa Seishuu’s coach as long as the Holy Road is happening, I am confident in that. I’m afraid the team is going to have to put up with me indefinitely.”

 Kishibe blinked but realized that his coach was joking and laughed softly. “We’ll follow you, no matter where you bring us to.”

 “No.” Aphrodi gave him an intense stare that made the captain squirm. “I can only guide and support you and the team. But what you want to do after this, it has to be a path of your choosing as a team as a whole.”

The words sank into Kishibe and he slowly nodded. Glad that his student understood, Aphrodi clapped his hands and smiled. “Now, is everyone waiting outside?”

 “Yes, they are already at the bus. I told them I’d come and get you.”

 “Good.” They started moving again, this time to the exits. “I’m craving for some ramen now that the match is over. Think we have time to grab something to eat before we head back to the school?”

 “We should.” Kishibe replied drily, “Sousuke was bragging about a place in Tokyo that he wanted to try out.”

  Their quiet voices slowly faded out of the corridor and Ishido Shuuji and his right-hand man, Toramaru stepped out of the shadows where they were watching them.

 “Bringing him in was a huge risk to our goals and the Fifth Sectors, but I’m glad that it all worked out.” Toramaru commented to his friend.

 “I knew that he was the best person to save Kidokawa Seishuu. No one knows how to overcome themselves better than he does. But yes,” Ishido tilted his head at his friend, “It was a risk involving him. However, he is already busy with Dragonlink and his next plans for Raimon. I will make sure that nothing happens to Aphrodi or his family.”

 Toramaru nodded in approval. “Good. But what are we going to do about those plans for Raimon?”

  Ishido only exhaled softly. “Nothing. But I have high hopes that Raimon can overcome it. And Endou and his team is there. If anything, they will intervene if Kibayama goes too far.”

 “Are you sure that you don’t want to tell Endou-san about your plan? You already told Aphrodi-san.”

 “Telling Aphrodi was a gamble. I’m glad that it paid off, but already at the risk of endangering his family should anyone find out the truth. I cannot do that to Natsumi and Endou.”

 Toramaru sighed at his friend’s stubbornness in not telling their close friends the truth. Already Gouenji told Saginuma and Aphrodi and it worked out for his plans for Seidouzan and Kidokawa Seishuu. Although, the latter was more spontaneous no thanks to the incompetence of the Mukata brothers who were the coaches before Aphrodi. He is not sorry to learn that all three were arrested for starting a bar fight after their removal.

[dothewrite]

oh god i loved that platonic relationship scenario you did so much itwas so cuteee. do you think you could do a similar one but with terushima and akaashi? it doesn't have to be about a boy but just similar to the original scenario in the sense that the girl is emotionally down and feeling quite insecure about herself whether it's like her body or whatever ?

This might be a bit (read: lots) different from the original style- can you tell I’m losing my marbles. I just needed to let loose a little in this one. Still, I’m sorry this is super late, but thanks for enjoying my original scenario. :) This is the ‘or whatever’ part of your request, but I hope you find it helpful in some way.

The original post here.

It’s animpossible habit to break when you’ve been paraded in front of various forms ofyourself since you can remember. Your mother and relatives had always actedlike the mirror was something you should be happy about- look at how adorable she is!- and would make you twirl in half-step circles,like a concubine in front of her jailers. They’d talk cheerily at each other,making cooing sounds that should have been for girls at least half your age,and you’d pull at the pigtails that pinched at your scalp in an awkward act ofself-consciousness.

The feeling doesn’t last.

The tricky thing about mirrors is that theyonly reflect, and each mirror is different, and so are your days. The one thingthat never, ever changes, no matter how much you plead, pray, or attemptthrough your paltry meals is you. The person in them.

It’s a solitary stand against yourself eachmorning, when you’re past your childhood and nobody parades you around anymore.Nobody takes you by the shoulders and pinches your cheeks to tell you you’recute. Men tell you you’re beautiful and hot all the time, usually in poorgrammar and after that comes wolf whistles, or unsolicited dick pics, and youhave to think: really? In Japantoo? This day and age?

You don’t take advice from the transferstudents anymore, and the rush of relief when you press the cross icon todelete the dating app on your phone is the best you’ve felt about yourself inseveral days. You take extra care not to accidentally face the mirror, just incase your mood gets ruined.

But they’re everywhere, and youcan’t run. You’ve gotten used to it by now, and some days when you think you’vematched an outfit particularly skillfully, you even sneak a peek at a passingwindow, or the strange, twisted reflection in the elevator doors. Most days,you can convince yourself to think: hey,maybe I don’t look so bad, andkeep walking.

People, however, enjoy spending their timetelling you otherwise. Whether they mean it, or they don’t, you can always seethe pleasure on their faces as they run their hands down their shirts as theymention that you’re not looking as shabby as usual that day, or that shirtdoesn’t make you look as odd as usual. The doctor asks you for your BMI whenyou get your scheduled check in, and you don’t need the numbers on a sheet ofpaper. When Terushima asks you how it went, you tell him that you werelucky that you didn’t get a doctor who’d leer at you.

Truth be told, there’s nothing worth lookingat, yet Terushima nods, looking satisfied.

“I know you wanted a new jacket,” he says outof the blue, “wanna go get one?”

“Right now?” You ask, confused. He’s right,you’d said that, but today is- today is not such a good day. Terushima’swatching every emotion flash across your face with a practiced focus, but hesimply takes your hand and pulls you closer.

“Yeah. Let’s go. Leather, right?”

“I- yeah, a leather one would be nice.”

He grins, and a corner of a sharp canine pokesout from under his upper lip. “Good. I know exactly where to go.”

His motorcycle fits his character like a glove,and although you’re wearing decidedly not cool looking clothes, the confidentglance he shoots you before he revs up lets you believe for a second thatyou’re right where you should be. Your arms squeeze his waist, as usual, anyless would be dangerous for this breakneck speed, and you don’t mention a wordabout how his jacket is tailored. It’ll probably cost you an arm- and it does, whenthe very proper looking man takes your measurements for a slightly impropergarment- but there’s yet to be a moment where Terushima’s stopped touching you.The soft imprints of his fingers chase away whatever fastidiousness youmight’ve had at the little numbers of the worn measuring tape, and the ticklesof touch keep you on your toes- glancing here and there, and Terushima dancesaround you like a ghost, ready to haunt your fears better than they haunt you.

If you’d been asked what the attendant lookedlike, you would be hard pressed for an answer that isn’t a guess. Blonde hair-that’s Terushima’s, long fingers? That’s also Terushima’s. A warm smile, andwithout a doubt you know that’s Terushima’s. You’re left alone by the sofas fora rare moment, and you dare to flutter your eyes shut for a second and imaginea world without shape; you’re nothing, you’ve no boundaries except for whereTerushima’s mapping them with his fingers. A hand on your shoulder, around yourarm, over your shoulders, against the small of your back- he’s there right now,a chin resting on your head and he reaches out to stop you from pulling yourwallet out when you’re welcomed back to reality with a smart, handwrittenreceipt.

It almost throws him off you when you tiltbackwards to stare at him in surprise.

He cuts in before you can- “I’m doing this,” heinsists, pushing your knuckles back into your pocket. “I’m taller and strongerthan you, I’d like to see you try and stop me.”

“I’m not going to fightyou,” you say exasperatedly, “but Shuuji, you can’t be ridiculous about this.”

Out of the corner of your eye, you see theattendant quietly slide out of view. Then Terushima’s back, filling up yourvision and seeking out your eyes with a worrying fervour. “This isn’t beingridiculous, okay? I got this, and it’s for you.”

“It… it’s a lot.” You start to feel a littledizzy just from thinking about the numbers. “You should save up your money, foryou stuff.”

“Like what, retirement at thirty? C’mon.” Hepushes himself into your space and smiles his crooked smile at you with thosewicked teeth. “I just want to get you something. It’s time I reminded you thatI’m here for you, even if you don’t wanna talk about it or you forget sometimeswhen you spend too much time in your head. Yeah?”

A lot of answers try their lot in your mind.You know perfectly well what he’s trying to do, and even if you didn’t, youcan’t deny warmth that’s streaming so solidly through your body as if theelixir of life. There’s a small possibility that it’s a spur of the momentdecision, a result of a poor day, but never in your life have you seen yourfriend, or any man for that matter, seem so sure about anything before.Although Terushima’s never been one for regret, this is something different.

This is inevitability. As if a mere mortal likeyourself could push aside the goodwill of something with the brightness of eightand a half suns. You pull out both your hands in surrender and frown at himwith a frown you don’t mean at all.

“Fine, you win. But don’t think this is thelast you’ll hear about this.”

“Alright, alright.” Like sorcery, theshopkeeper’s back at his station and Terushima’s holding out a card you mostcertainly didn’t catch him take out. The sound of the receipt getting printedmasks his reach for your hand with his, and you watch enthusiastically asTerushima attempts to replicate his signature with his left hand.

He looks like an idiot, that much you can tellfrom the owner’s expression, and you daresay that your linked hands look kindadumb too. Terushima walks out the shop looking like he’s just won a war, andyou’re probably smiling like a lunatic, and the two of you most likely looklike idiots to everyone else.

That’s okay. Terushima doesn’t lead you back tohis bike, but keeps on walking. He doesn’t even turn to look or ask if you’reokay with what he’s just done, simply: “feel like frozen yogurt?”

“Always,” you tell him, in the middle ofNovember. Terushima grins, the tilt in his head betraying the fact that heknows exactly what you’re thinking, but says nothing.

There isn’t a single step where he isn’t stuckto you, apologizing wordlessly for getting a frozen dessert on a chilly day.Yet, pressed up against you, you can’t possibly catch a glimpse at your ownreflection with him blocking the way of endless window panes, and all you endup seeing is how silly the two of you appear- his huge frame and most of youobstructed by it. He swings around so you’re facing the open street instead,and cars are too fast to catch yourself in.

You’re okay with that, and so is he.

Now that you’re, well, older, you’d think thatyou’d be able to, if not everything, control some things in yourlife. Like your daily routine, for example, or how long you use your phone forat night, or whether or not you’re finally going to send that email that you’vebeen avoiding for weeks now. Okay, those are slightly more important things.But matters like whether or not you have a good enough facebook profile pic, orwhether you should cave in and get a snapchat account- surely,peer pressure’s kinda hard when it’s literally just you in a studio apartment,right?

That’s what makes the taste in your mouth thatextra side of bitter, like you vomited in your mouth three days ago and hadn’tdeigned to brush your teeth. You don’t even have an instagram, sowhy the fuck are you on it?

Plus, honestly right now, you can’t give lessof a shit how you got onto this hell-site, because that’s not important. Yourprofile picture isn’t important. Validating yourself in the eyes of your peergroup has never been very important- as least, you try to keep it that way.

It’s hard, sometimes. When it’s three in themorning and you’re alone with blankets just slightly too thick and you’reeither sweating or freezing, and when the only light that’s emitting is fromthe stupid photo app on your phone and the huge, pale green shadow you makeagainst your modern, unpainted walls. Paradise from someone else’s camera andsomeone else’s ocean villa is less enchanting than it’s instagram filter.Scroll down two or three, and you see your friends looking ravishing in theirgraduate gowns, their postgraduate diplomas fluttering in the gentleCalifornian breeze, or perhaps, if that’s not pleasing enough, there’s alwaysthe lovely ‘first day of work’ photos in swanky high rises. One look at their pencilskirts and heels and you can almost hear the sound of stilettos cracklingagainst polished marble in the late evenings.

Oho. Success has a sound, alright. It soundslike that stupid voice in your head telling you to look while you can, becauseyou aren’t going to see the Bahamas in a bikini (so small it makes you looklike a whale, by the way) any fucking time soon.

Blip. Wearily,like you’ve looked away in the first place, you sort of, fold into your phonelike someone does a meringue and click on the notification.

You’re still up. [Akaashi Keiji03:32]

Yeah, well, so is he. What a night owl. ‘Owl’,heh.

You’ve recently cut your nails, so no matterhow hard you tap your unrealistic, online keyboard, it makes next to no sound.Stripped even of your figurative, finger stiletto heels, and you watch as thepads of your fingers make soft, squishy noises against the oiled glass.

I’m going to call you. You have read receiptsturned on, by the way. [Akaashi Keiji 03:35]

Exiting your text messages altogether, you giveup on your half-assed reply and wonder why you even bothered in the firstplace. Plus, even with the pretty well stated warning that you’re about to geta phone call, you still flinch into your pillow pile when your phone screamsbloody murder, too loud for the empty room and your thoughts.

“Hey,” you say into the receiver. Veryoriginal, much eloquent.

Akaashi, of course, doesn’t beat around thebush.

“Three AM is not so good a time to be lookingat pictures of the beach.”

“It’s not just anybeach.”

“Sorry,” Keiji says, sounding possibly theleast sorry he’s ever been in his twenty plus years of existence, “is it theBahamas or Koh Samui?”

“Maldives. I think it’s one of those ‘I workedhard!’ getaways. Doesn’t seem like a honeymoon, to be honest.”

“Too many pink drinks, too few rose petals. Youcan always tell.”

You pull a pillow out from under your mountainand shove it underneath your knees. Time to sit back, relax, and enjoy the shitshow that is your life on the phone, and one can’t do that without proper backsupport. Maybe you’d start saving for a memory foam mattress instead of thischeap IKEA shit. Oh right, the catch being that if you probably don’t haveenough money for a vacation, you probably don’t have the money for a SealyPosturpedic. Who the fuck needs income, anyway.

“You’re taking too long to think.” Keiji knows.Keiji always knows. He should start a business, only that youcan’t pay the bills. “Where did you go off to?”

The odd thing is, it’s never occurred to youthat not talking to Akaashi at odd bits of the night is a way to live. It’snever occurred to you that the two of you would be anything else, either.

“How inept I am. At pretty much everything.”

“Oh,” he half sighs, half says, “you’re more thandiplomas, more than jobs. You know that.”

“Yeah, I’ve promised you that I’ll do my best,and I have, but there’s gotta be a cutoff point, you know?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, maybe I’m not a special snowflake. I’mnot some untapped talent that I’ve never bothered to exploit- I’m just what Iam.”

“You believe that where you’re at right now isthe best you can do.”

“I-” your sentence starts to unravel right whenyou’re about to say it, and you unleash a torrid wail into your cushions whereit’ll never see the light of day. Akaashi stays silent on the other end andwaits patiently for you. “Yeah. Like, even if I worked my fucking ass off, I’dnever finish two degrees at Oxford in five years. I can’t beat genius!”

“And sometimes it’s not just academia, right?Sometimes it’s anything you choose to do.”

Keiji alwaysknows.

“So what’s the point?”

“I don’t know,” you say miserably. “I can’teven look away from the stupid instagram photos because I’m a masochist,apparently.”

“I can’t say that I’m the expert at any ofthis,” Keiji answers you quietly, “but we talked about this before, and do youremember what we came up with? That there’s more to life than being the best?There’s more to life than being better, you can be okay with just being happy. And thatisn’t failing to live.”

“So, being okay with mediocrity.”

Akaashi huffs a laugh out, turning into staticwhen it reaches you. “Don’t twist my words, moron. You know exactly what Imean.”

Akaashi’s always been different. The one andonly different in your life, where all you can see are rivalries, and he’s justtranscended that. He’s parallel, on his own path, at his own speed, andalthough this guy is somehow first in his goddamn medical internship, there’snot a speck in you that can possibly revolt. Akaashi isn’t the type to postpictures of his certificates on instagram. He’s the type to go home at 1am,after an eighteen hour workday and call you at three in the morning because youneed to be called, and manage to say exactly the things you need to hear.

These people shouldn’t exist, seriously. Andeven if they did- and they do- you don’t deserve them. Not your miserable, dulllittle ass moping around in bedsheets you can’t really afford, thinking youhave it so bad.

“We agreed it wouldn’t be easy,” Keiji’s voicegently shakes you out from your quicksand, “so I’m reminding you. Everyone’sgot their limits, but after knowing you for so long, I think this isn’t yourlimit. This isn’t all you can do. You have to remember that.”

“Is this a professional diagnosis?”

“Yeah,” he’s giggling (chuckling? You likegiggling more) and it makes you giggle too, “as a bullshit specialist. I’mmaking you laugh now, so I’m doing alright.”

“Well,” you say as you finally start to leanback and stare at the ceiling, “I was sitting here being super mopey andmiserable earlier. So miserable that I couldn’t even cry. An actual pile ofshit.”

“It’s part of the medication. You get to bemiserable, and each time you’re a pile of shit, you get closer to being better.”

“Be my family doctor, Keiji.”

He’s laughing too hard to sound tired now, butyou’ve been counting the minutes in your head this whole time, and he’s givingyou all these happy, tingly feelings so you’re gonna pay him back. A bit of it,at least.

“It’s almost four,” you tell him, “you shouldgo to sleep.”

“Will you?”

“Yeah,” you grin wanly even though he can’t seeyou, “I’ll sleep and you sleep. Deal?”

“Deal,” and the exhaustion leaks back into him.You made a good call. “Goodnight, and get off that damn site.”

Akaashi doesn’t wait for your goodnight (henever does, because it’s always a chain that lasts another half hour), andhangs up. You let the phone fall loosely from your hands that misses your facenarrowly, and close your eyes.

Too tired for misery,and too tired for instagram, you say fuck it to charging your phone and beginto count your sheep.