#but today we're fighting the feeling of inadequacy by putting ourselves out there and trying harder

[miabrown007]

happy write badly monday everyone! 🥰🧃🎉🍩✨

[justjessame]

A Little Ass and A Lotta Sass Chapter 20:  We're Going to Either Break Down the Walls... Or, Are Those Candles?!

OK. So learning that Negan’s deal with Dad did NOT include anyone outside Alexandria was my come to Jesus moment. I had a difficult choice to make. Was I going to be able to let it go, knowing that out there Maggie lived knowing that the man I loved killed her husband in cold blood, and that she would no doubt seek vengeance? Or would I try, even knowing that Negan had repeatedly told me he’d given all he would, to convince him to give more? And how would I do it, when he didn’t know that Maggie survived? When he had no idea that my family had spread out among the other communities, that Dad for his own reasons hadn’t negotiated for them?

I stewed, and for once the two of us kept our hands to ourselves. Negan, as I was learning, was a great judge of when to push his luck and press his advantages, and when to wait. Biding his time and letting me come to terms with this new knowledge in my own time. Even his ego could take a break. And so, while I rolled the newly confirmed logistics about the deal, we talked about other things.

He continued to explain the Sanctuary’s rules. For others, clearly, since I was a cut above. The point system. How his people tried to keep the others in line, without utilizing him until absolutely necessary. The fact that he felt pretty fucking happy that he no longer had to enforce the wife laws, shooting me a glance to be sure that I took note of his trust in me. I nearly laughed, the very thought that I’d give the time of day to one of his minions. Downgrading to something less powerful and alluring sounded like fucking stupidity to me, but then again, I hadn’t been taken by the overlord from my mate. And I hadn’t thought I’d sold my soul to Satan to be with him either, that tiny voice whispered in the back of my mind, but here we are.

 Of course, I thought, now my fucking overactive brain decided to pipe up with some fucking complaints. Sure, thanks a lot, you twit.

“Callie,” I felt Negan take my hand and forced myself out of my own thoughts. “While you and Laura talk about who to add, I want you to keep in mind that the guard outside isn’t permanent. I just-” He took a breath and I stared at his face. “I want to make sure you’re safe. Here with me. Even when I’m not right here.” He was explaining himself again. “You’re not stuck in this room, go wherever you want, I just need to know-”

I found myself smiling at him. He was so fucking worried, about everything. “I get it.” I nodded, thinking that I’d need to have the former wives pointed out to me, and wondering if Laura would help with that. “I do, and thank you for letting me know that I’m not locked in a cage.” I turned my hand over so our fingers could link. “Maybe Laura and I can stroll around and talk about the technical aspects today.”

His smile, those dimples, returned. I could almost feel the tension rolling away from him. “That sounds like a fucking plan.” He stood up from the table and our clutter of dirty breakfast dishes. “I have to get ready,” he looked uncertain. Would I want to join him for our morning shower? Should he ask? I could read his face like a book. And the uncertainty nearly broke me in two. I stood up to join him and took back the hand he’d held mine with, with a tug, I pulled him to our bathroom and showed him that it didn’t matter. At least not for now.

Dressed in his uniform, that damn leather jacket, t-shirt, and jeans combo was always going to do something to me, I stood naked in the center of our bedroom. “Darlin’, you’ve gotta put something on,” his voice was strained, and I looked over my shoulder at him staring at me. “You’re fucking killing me here.”

I grinned, “I just-” I gestured at my open closet. “Fuck I have no fucking clue what to wear.”

He came up behind me, his fully clothed self pressed against my completely bare back. “Why the sudden problem with grabbing an outfit, Callie? It’s just fucking clothes.”

 Sure, I thought, to him it was ‘just fucking clothes’, but I’d been informed how his people viewed me and I had to prove that I was worthy. Of him, for them. And God, I don’t know, in case I met up with one of the cast offs. Shit. “Dwight told me that your people see me in a certain way, and-”

He groaned. “What the fuck did that moron tell you?” I felt his hands sliding down my arms, distracting me slightly from my nerves. “Tell me, Callie.”

I sighed, and shrugged. “That I’m half goddess and half Queen?” I gave my own groan. “The fuck does that combination wear to go out there?”

I felt him chuckle. “I’d suggest you pick something, because if you think you’re going out in what you’re not wearing now, I won’t have fucking people. They’ll all be fucking dead. Cause no one sees you like that but me.” This came out as a growl and I grinned. Fucking territorial, shocked he hasn’t pissed on my damn leg to show just who I belong to.

“Even the women?” I asked, liking this new game, even if it wasn’t technically helping.

“Especially them.” He said, his mouth starting a tortuous path down my neck. “Don’t fucking care if they want you or envy you, dead. All of them.” I felt a slight nip and my eyes went closed. “Mine.” He growled, tongue flicking against my pulse. “All fucking mine.”

I turned to face him and our lips slammed together. Fuck. The shower hadn’t been enough. Would we ever really find out what ‘enough’ was? My naked chest flush against the leather of his jacket, and even through those damn jeans, I could feel how hard he was for me. In a flurry of hands, his clothes were ripped away, and then, as though denying one another for mere moments amounted to years, we came together. All teeth and moans, pounding need and absolute rawness we joined. And I had to wonder if he’d released the guard already, because if not, then whomever had been picked, must have bleeding ears.

We hadn’t made it to the bed. This was absolute raw sex. And it happened against the wall beside our closet. A part of me was thankful that it was the outer wall, because I was certain that he’d have pushed me through the drywall as hard as he was going. Our noises, my name ripped from his lips, his fighting out of mine, were so loud that the echoes seemed to go on even after we finally rushed over the cliff.

As he held me to him, my legs still wrapped around his hips, our breaths coming out in heavy pants I felt his fingers massaging my hips where he’d gripped so tightly. “Damn it, I think I fucking bruised you, baby girl.” I heard how upset he sounded and looked up at him.

“Hey,” I whispered, my voice almost gone from the screaming. “Worth it, Negan, those bruises were fucking worth every fucking moment.” I kissed him gently, letting him know I knew he’d never intentionally hurt me. “Now we have to start fucking over,” I chuckled, thinking about the shower again.

He shook his head, the pain in his eyes lessened by my reassuring words. “Nope.” He said, carefully setting me on my feet. “You, Callie Grimes, are going to walk around all fucking day smelling like ME. Like us. Like the sex that we just fucking had.” I felt a twist of lust build in my stomach. “And I’m going to do the same. Smell like you, all fucking day, until we come back here. Because I want every fucking person in this fucking place to know exactly who belongs to who.” He kissed me on my nose. “But you still gotta pick a fucking outfit out, because you can smell like fucking, but no one gets to enjoy that fucking body like this except me.” And with a swat on my ass, he whistled while he redressed.

While I stood there, tingling from the mere thought of what he was saying. His. Smelling like him and sex and every fucking person here knowing. Shit. Fuck.

 I’d managed to pick something out. If you asked me once I was dressed what I chose, I’d be lost. No fucking clue. I had to stop myself from checking to see if I really did smell like him. Like sex. Because then I might have fucking stayed in the damn rooms, and I’d be stuck there for the entire day again. Shit.

Negan had remembered to procure me a walkie of my very own. After walking me through which channels were important, and the most important, his, he kissed me and waited while I told Laura I was ready for her to come up. I swear, he looked like a proud papa. I rolled my eyes, about to inform him that Dad and our group actually utilized the fucking things too. I stopped when I watched him staring at me.

“What?” I asked, feeling strangely self-conscious. I fidgeted, pulling at the blouse I’d apparently picked. Tugging it down over, wait did I pick jeans today? Hazarding a glance down, I confirmed. Well fuck. And I’d put on boots. When did I fucking do that? His smile was almost blinding. “You.” He said, simple and easily. Like I was the answer to it all. “You’re a fucking-” he stopped, licking his lips. “One day, you’re going to tell me what I did, Callie.” I raised an eyebrow, what the fuck was he talking about. “To deserve you.”

Ah, well shit. I wondered the same thing, half the time, I couldn’t fucking understand how we came to be. But whether we deserved one another, I was fairly certain that we did. “I think we’re just-” I fought to put it into words. Non-sappy or weird romantic words. “We complement one another.” I squinted at the fucking inadequacy of that explanation. “Shit, I can’t even articulate what I want to.”

Negan’s hand came down to Mom’s rings. He fiddled with them, and I could see that he had a question burning through him, but then he let go and sighed. “Me either, princess, me fucking either.”

Another kiss, and the knock on the door came. Laura, reporting for duty, I thought. He pulled away from me reluctantly, and I moved to open the door. My new head of security stood there looking totally at ease. “Hey, boss,” she grinned at me, and nodded at Negan as he came up behind me.

“Hello, Laura.” I hoped I sounded more confident than I felt. This was fucking absurd. “I thought you could take me on a tour and we could chat about who you’d like to add?”

She nodded, and after Negan gave me another kiss, we started off. “Remember, Callie, call me if you need me.” He called after me, and I felt that same tingle from earlier. I always needed him, and it scared the fucking shit out of me.

 Laura gave me a better tour than Negan had, simply because I wasn’t completely freaked out by everyone dropping into the dirt or floors when we walked together. Thank fucking God that I didn’t merit the same fucking attention. She took me through the marketplace, showing me how the points system worked in reality. Through the kitchens and cafeteria, pointing out how everything came together. We skipped the infirmary when I mentioned I’d been, happy that she didn’t pry. We finally ended up outside, and I breathed in the fresh air, happy we were upwind from Negan’s grotesque security measures. Taking a seat at a table off to the side, we started to discuss her ideas.

Laura was thorough, and careful with her ideas. She’d noticed how I gauged them the night before, and mentioned that I’d get to meet each of her choices to make the final decisions. As we sat, I finally asked what was burning me up with curiosity. “Laura? Could you point out the former-” I stopped and swallowed the bile I felt built up at the thought of multiple women who knew Negan intimately being in the same place as me. “Wives?”

She studied me. Watching to see if I’d elaborate. When I didn’t she offered a comforting smile. “Guess I’d want to know too,” she shrugged. “Sure. I’ll point them out. I’ll even tell you who chose to offer themselves and who went back to their men.”

I was thankful. For her understanding, and for her lack of questioning. As my guard, she had to know that some of these women might be a threat to me. And soon enough, they’d have more reason to hate me. Like when I started to show the proof that Satan’s grand-baby was growing inside of me.

We walked back, taking a similar route so Laura could inconspicuously show them to me. Sherri, who was married to Dwight, and looked pretty happy with her new lot in life. Working in the marketplace, she had a smile on her face and her brown hair tied back. She offered a wave to Laura and a look of interest in me. Amber, a small blonde, working in the laundry. She reminded me of a mouse, but Laura told me that she was happier now that she was returned to Mark. Mark, like Dwight, wore his punishment for cheating with her on his face, but I watched as he walked in and kissed her. Her entire bearing changed. Lighting up and giggling.

Frankie, the red-head who’d been relegated to kitchen duty, was scowling at the orders being thrown at her. Laura didn’t have to tell me that she’d chosen to be with Negan. She was pissed at having to be back among the commoners, I could see that even from a distance, and when she caught sight of me with Laura, the look she shot me could have singed my fucking hair. Tanya, Laura told me, I may have seen in the infirmary. And it clicked. The assistant, the look she’d shot Negan. And I knew she too had chosen Negan.

There were two more, both having been returned to their men. Janet and Ali, and they, like Sherri and Amber, were content. So clearly the danger lay in Frankie and Tanya. And I knew, from the look that Laura shot me that she agreed.

I let Negan know that I’d finished with Laura as we walked back to our rooms. His answer seemed brief, but I hadn’t expected us to use the walkies for phone sex. I let myself into the rooms, and my eyes had to adjust. The lights were off and the living area was lit entirely by candles. What the hell? I felt my heart pound, and walked toward our bedroom, where the scene was set. More candles, everywhere, and lounging on our bed looking more like a male pin up than a man like him had the right to, was Negan. Stripped down to a pair of red silk boxers that I hadn’t seen before, and looking good enough to eat I felt my mouth go fucking dry. Dear God-fuck that dear Satan, we thank you for the bounty we are about to fucking enjoy. I smiled, and pulled off my clothes as he watched, wanting nothing more than to join him and forget about any reality that existed outside our rooms. For as long as we could.