#can't tell if it's freaky hunger or regular hunger

[demikkail]

more doodles for the ragebait, shrimpbowl, saltwater, hotwater, whatever shipname nation. these two, right!!

don't mind the design evolution. also my friend ethan owns the green Finn

[skekthesilly]

do you ever get the urge. to just. fuckin. kiss women. hot women. awesome women. amazing women.

and then become a local cryptid that people tell scary campfire stories about. make noises in the middle of the night. cool scary freaky appearance. live in the woods. magic. gothic horror. feed on animals and leave their skeletons lovingly assembled perfectly clean and shiny. make little packages of cloth and vines and twigs and leave them for hikers and campers who camp out in the woods. put flowers in it one day, bugs the next. an intricate flower crown for that one hiker who has so much fun looking for you, flashlight in one hand and art journal in the other. a little bundle of stinging nettle and worms for the other hiker you just can't stand, tied and dangling in the hiker's tent right above their head, waiting for them to wake up and receive a faceful of creepy crawly stinging insects.

you whisper stories of fairies and elves and wendigoes and other creatures roaming the woods, you sing at night as loud as you want to, find a clearing of trees and make your own little hideout - bones, animal hide, trinkets, books, mosses, and mushrooms. so many mushrooms. big ones and small ones, round ones and tall ones, blue ones and black ones and red ones and rainbow ones.

always be in the corner of someone's vision, but when they try to get a better look, you're gone. always follow behind them, fuse with their shadow, have your hands stretched out, your mouth wide open and full of teeth, and then slink away, become a regular shadow when they try to find you. have your eyes glow in the dark like stars and your teeth shine like shrapnel. possess animals and talk in a twisted voice. whisper about the old gods from the mouth of a deer, wail about the hungering trees from the mouth of a squirrel, hiss about the all-too-knowing glare of the moon from a bird's mouth. draw things in rich, sticky ink onto old parchment paper and stick them to trees, write nonsense, any sense, maddening passages and cryptic messages. draw walking mountains and singing caves and shrieking stars. be an amalgamate of things you love, things in the forest, things that scare people. become a cryptid.

and then do you ever get the urge to make secret base in minecraft epic style

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary513

2/23-24/25

sunday - monday

i think i worked out the first of the 2 new songs for this soundtrack for this guy,

though i don't know if he'll like it. he asked for something like synthy discordant strings and it's definitely like that. it's synthy strings and atonal and freaky but it probably won't sound as 80s as he wants. the 2nd one is more relaxed and drone-y so i think i can probably get that done tomorrow and then have stuff to email him... before the end of the month... yayyyy...

hopefully yesterday's diary won't ever make people hate me or something. i don't think it will, i am just paranoid basically, and i also feel like i need to be unsympathetic at times or if i am unsympathetic show it so people can know i'm awful. but i don't know if i am. i can't ever tell or be sure. i like to run my mouth in a way that makes other people laugh because what i say is like too much or something. i am also in need of attention, i guess. is that a cute feature for some people to have? i guess it seems to make some people happy (gf), because i'm so shy and embarrassed and also i need attention but it makes me crazy so i guess i'm easier to play with.

there is a new sleigh bells video song, the video made me think of this whole situation, somehow:

it's very cute and fun and the song is cute and fun. no complaints. i do miss their first record's sound but this is good enough pop.

i also played gingiva a bit today, though looking up the creator now, apparently he is some kind of groomer, who was chased off being on the internet publicly, oh well. i guess i will not finish it. that is rather depressing because i remember seeing those games when i was younger and on tumblr and playing them and really liking them visually, i loved the particular surrealism of them. i suppose we have stuff like hylics which kind of surpasses the guy who made gingiva's work in terms of fun and looks as good, but there's some particulars to gingiva and by extension middens that i always found really pretty. although i also recall being on tumblr and seeing mason's work and finding it really exciting, but i never got to playing the game when it came out, and now there's a sequel and stuff... i wonder if there's any other weird stuff that's been made in rpgmaker, outside of the yume nikki fangames i like and fear and hunger, i haven't kept up so much with it over the years, people trying to actually make 'rpgs' of any kind. i would really also like to find more explore-y games. stupidly, thinking to myself:

what if i did that...

it would be too too too too too too too too much.

i keep having this issue, again, with peeing, where i feel constantly like i need to go pee. it's really unpleasant and makes sleeping hard. so that is messing with my sleep and keeping me awake. this is a strange issue to have, i remember when i thought it was a uti. i think maybe something is either wrong with my brain or there is something very wrong with me in ways i can't begin to understand.

i am i think feeling better than yesterday, though that was basically self inflicted. i guess thinking about it that way also makes it feel better, if i think about it like i think about cutting myself, which i haven't done in a few months (before then it was years... ha ha ha), then me wigging out and torturing myself over being a bad person over something that at least most people i know would think of as negligible (i guess a reason for putting it here, is to see if it really is), is better than having some new terror open up, like, will i get sick and die, when will i die, do i deserve to die for not being some kind of thing enough (it can be all kinds of things), blah blah blah, if it's something i can control i guess, then it's a mental kind of bloodletting, it's probably about as effective, but maybe it's okay sometimes. i don't know.

i was really tired earlier, now i'm not. we have a friend coming tuesday though, so i need to be regular. i'm so dumb, i should have slept earlier, but i at least got that song written.

craving suddenly frosted miniwheats. sometimes i want to do mukbang videos. maybe i should eat in front of my camera weekly and put it here. i also thinking about trying to record more on my camera, and every two weeks or so creating something from footage i get just going around, like a personal film or something. it would be short, hopefully. i wonder why i want to eat in front of a camera. i think it's because i want to be awkward the way asmr is awkward, because it's kind of cute to me, or i want to be that kind of cute. i don't even want it to be on youtube so much as having it be part of my diary. that seems insane. i think the thought also comes from wanting to joing discord vcs while eating and silently look into the camera while eating. and then leaving after. but i never do. i'm very worried about annoying people. i guess i really do like the idea of having attention. i was thinking about this, people's capacities for like, discarding themselves, maybe, or submitting to many eyes, being super visible, in particular ways, and what you have to learn early on to be that way. i guess what i'm saying is, if i think about the fact i want people to think i'm cute for eating... which people have told me, actually, that it's cute that i chew how i chew, and stuff, my first gf and my current gf said that to me, my gf now really likes watching me eat. she finds it endearing, the first gf said it is nice i chew with my mouth closed and watched me do it. did i ever talk about how she made me in artificial academy here? this was when i was more or less a boy so she made me have gay sex, by downloading a mod, i hear you could only have gay sex with mods. she would also talk about bailey jay a lot, so i guess i have always attracted people with particular tastes. anyway, what was the point of any of this. i wanted frosted miniwheats and i want to eat them awkwardly in front of a camera and see if by doing that i can hate how i look less maybe or have evidence i'm not ugly or something. and then it would be like, a weird fragment released by my stupid head out into the world. 3 people might see it ever, they'll be like, what is wrong with them... or maybe they'll think, what is wrong with her, or maybe, what's wrong with them, is that a they. i can't really tell what's going through my head right now, but i guess it feels good to be loosely thinking like this right now. it's too late though. i'm really hungry. i think i questioned myself over this before, are my prickly bitchy moments because i'm hungry. i don't know, i guess not always. i'm just always trying to play but i play too hard.

i'm like this manic snake... hisssssss, i'm stupid and laughing, or in a metaphoric way. right now my body is still and i am only staring at my screen in relative darkness.

i like when he says i wish us alligators could get along, in this song.

i guess when i'm up alone and it's late/early i tend to get like this. oh well, i need to sleep,

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!