#come at the grimy hobo i DARE you

[merianmoriarty]

Server Movie Synopsis: Barbarian

*AN: Keep in mind that these synopses will contain spoilers and may not be complete, as I rarely see the entire movie while serving for it.  These synopses are just going to be fast impressions of an Alamo Drafthouse server.  Also, I meant to post this one a week ago and kept forgetting to...*

Homegirl (her name is Tess) came to Detroit at night with no raincoat or umbrella.  You couldn’t have clicked your weather app and found out how dumb an idea that was?  Dude already in the AirBnB looks pretty sketch.  Oh, at least he understands that he seems sketch.  Creeper’s name is Keith.

Woman: “Life as a woman is hard and scary and dangerous.” Man: “That hasn’t been my experience.”  But srsly, it’s Important To The Story that she tells him she has experience freaking out quietly.  Look at us bonding over wine!  Beddy-bye.  Mama kiss you goodnight (wat i did not sign up for turn down service).  Spoooooooky.

Job interview that brought her here in the first place goes great, good job, awesome.  Interviewer is like “so where u stayin girl?” and Tess is like “oh this shady brokedown neighborhood on the edge of town.” You staying in the nasty part of town, child.  Neighborhood by daylight!  Oh damn, interview lady wasn’t kidding, this place straight-up abandoned.  Everything about the house looks nice except the front door and front porch (both are grimy with worn paint while everything else looks fresh), dun-dun-duuuuuuun.

Scary hobo tells her to stay outside, no, no, come back outside right now lady, heyyyyyyy.  No cops coming, Tess--Detroit got hella crime and you in a shitty neighborhood.  No TP?  Maybe check the spooky basement.  Ta-daaaaa.  Door closed on its own and now it’s locked whaaaaaaat.  Is that a rope coming through a hole in the wall?  Yes, pull it, good job, idiot.  Secret creepy doorway revealed! +10 Gamer Points

Nope.

Smartest thing you’ve done all day--aaaaaand you’re just reflecting some light down the creepy-ass tunnel before you go in.  Creepy Keith to the rescue!  (How tho? I missed how he got into the house, but whatev...maybe the back door was open?)

Ope, his dumbass vanish.  Oh shit he crying for help, that’s a trap for sure, but let’s keep walking.  Why are you still going, U DON’T EVEN KNOW THIS GUY, YOU CAN GO AND BRING COPS OR FIREMEN OR SOMETHING.  Oh, there he is.  SCARY NAKED SCREAMY LADY!

New dude!  AJ Gilbride.  Everything we learn makes him more and more of a douche.  “Did you rape her?” “We fucked.  But she needed convincing.” Please die. Drunk dialing his victim, real charming.  “I’m not even mad at you about it.”  Wowwwwwwww, hurry up and go down into the basement, you skeevy prick.  Squatters in my basement how dare!  Hmmmm, how can I use this basement to fuck over prospective home buyers and get more money?

Oh flashback.  Ah, yes, this guy always plays creeps (geometry says his face is suited for it because his cheeks are gaunt and his brows are low on a forehead with a pronounced widow’s peak--The More You Know!).  Talks his way into a house, leaves bathroom window unlatched--actual B&E strategy.  What’s in the truuuuunk???  Into the basement.  Screaming girl but nobody gonna hear that.

AJ, meet Tess.  If you must freak out, pls do so quietly.  AJ does not freak out quietly.  AJ, meet Mama.  Baby bottle drinky drinky.  Ope, he too loud, time for one-on-one parenting.  Run, Tess, ruuuuuuuun.

Scary hobo knows what’s what.  Mama comes out at night, but the water tower has been his Safe Space for fifteen years.  No, Tess has to call the cops and go rescue this guy she just met!  LOL Tess looks like a druggie, ain’t nobody gonna believe her.  Cops won’t help?  Tess has Little Red Hen syndrome...  Yeah, totally got Mama!  Save AJ!  Mama is no longer there and now we have no getaway vehicle!  Run to the water tower!  Ah, we’re safe here, been safe here for fifteen--ope, nevermind.  (We Have Had 0 Days Since Our Last Wookiee-Style Beat-Down!)  WELL TESS IT’S YOU OR ME AND OBVIOUSLY IT CAN’T BE ME BECAUSE I’M THE BEST EVEN THOUGH I SHOT YOU IN A FIT OF PARANOIA SO I’M GONNA JUST THROW YOU OFF THE WATER TOWER AND HOPE MAMA DIVES AFTER HER BABY.

Oh look, Mama broke your fall.  You’re not dead, great.   I didn’t try to kill you, it was a premeditated accident.  MAMA WILL SAVE YOU FROM THE BAD MAN.

Bang.  *cue Be My Baby by The Ronettes* (yes really)

Featuring white boys doing the dumb, a black woman who should know better, the Night King himself, and a huge mess that will not need to be explained because someone will just write it off to drug violence because Detroit.  The Moral of Today’s Story Is:  men think they’re not being threatening but at the most primal level of perception they absolutely are and a woman who hasn’t been socialized to shut up and take it will react with lethal violence.  A very slow starter, feels much longer than it is, not a particularly satisfying ending (not in the “what the hell kind of ending was that?” sense but more of a “...*blink blink*...huh...” sense).