#did i just ? name the landlord ? the first thing that came to mind ? u bet

[dcuglybooks]

A short story collection featuring stories that are either mean and ugly like that turd that thudded you in school, or sweet and cuddly as a little gloomy kitten; or puppy if you’re more of a dog person.

Stories Christians don't have to read backwards. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08LGB4HGN/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_fabc_UIpaGb2VC4BBX

Here’s a free short.

WAP: WEIRD ASS PHANTOM

“There’s a ghost in this house. There’s a ghost in this house.”

Linda was getting tired of the shit. Every day at exactly noon her alarm would play this shitty overdubbed version of a Cardi B song. The original song wasn’t her cup of tea to begin with, this new version that sounded like drunk karaoke was even worse. Most times she would be sitting there and the sound of a drunk sorority girl would make her jump out of her skin. She couldn’t even find the song or alarm in her phone to do anything about it.

Linda and her girlfriend, Melissa, moved into this old house last month, the rent was so damn cheap; landlord said it was because it used to be a party house so he never charged much. The logic didn’t make any sense but at $300 a month and a mile outside of town, how were they not going to sign that lease?

“I think,” spoke Melissa one night while watching her phone float around taking pictures in the air, “the reason rent is so cheap is because it’s haunted.”

“You think?” Replies Linda while snatching the phone out of the air. “I just wish this damn ghost would stop posting pictures of our bedroom to our Instagram accounts. Did you see the caption last night?”

“Oh you mean ‘Pumpkin spice is almost here. Basic bitches, rejoice!’ The comma is what set me off. Why did she put a comma in that? Why bother? It wasn’t even used correctly I don’t believe.”

“We’re being haunted by a basic bitch.”

“I think that may be offensive.”

“I hear it all the time, it just...... yeah ok maybe. I guess I shouldn’t assume this ghost is a bad stereotype, I won’t say it again.”

“True, this girl may have more going for her than just these annoying social media posts from our accounts”

“Remember the mirror though?”

Last week as the couple were eating dinner they heard a clatter and crash from the upstairs bathroom. Running full speed ahead up the stairs and around the corner Linda saw all their makeup in a pile in the empty sink. She could see a pair of red lipsticked lips floating in the air while eyeliner was seemingly drawn onto the air in a cat eye shape. She sighed and said “What now?” These types of things had been going on since the first night so at this point it was old hat.

The lipstick went to the mirror and wrote “I am finally going to kill you.” Linda took a step back prepared to flee until the lipstick wrote below it “JK LOL YOUR FACE” and then the face floated off into the wall leaving behind the makeup like some sort of painting.

The first time anything strange had happened, a pizza showed up at the front door; delivery for an Amanda Perkins. The girl who moved out recently, they took the pizza because it was already paid for and assumed the girl had made a mistake. They were sure of this as they sat and watched old re-runs of home improvement and munched away; then they noticed the slice floating over in the air above the recliner and the chewed up pile on the seat. They screamed and ran outside, Melissa forgot her phone inside and Linda’s made a ding from inside her pocket.

“Hey I know this is really weird, it’s weird AF for me too. We can make it work though, ladies. I swear I won’t bother you, I already cleaned up my mess.”

They inched inside looking around like scared toddlers and sure enough the mess was cleaned up. After that they just rolled with the weirdness.

“Are you sure Amanda left, Mr. Morris?” Linda was on the phone with the landlord.

“Yes. Positive. Why would you think she still lived there?”

“There’s been..... some things.”

“Drunk college girl, she probably stumbled home one night and forgot she went home for the summer. Its no deal. Not big or small.”

“Are you absolutely positive there is no deal? Big, small, medium, or slightly larger than medium but not quite large?”

“What do you think? I know her ex and he killed her and then buried her body in the basement so now her ghost is haunting you. This is why I charge so cheap rent! No. I don’t believe what you think. I will be going.”

He hung up without ever realizing Linda never once mentioned any of that other stuff. Linda thought, Why does he talk like that?

Turned out that’s exactly what had happened. After doing a quick google of the ghosts name they found out she never came home. After a quick Facebook search they found her ex boyfriends page. After some scrolling they found a post that said “Amanda and I broke up again and I am going to kill her.” The post had six likes and four comments.

“Get her bro!”

“Bitch ain’t appreciate you anyhow bet!”

“U need any ting lemme no”

“Fuk gr8 ass tho. Mind if I hit her up?”

These people were insane. Did not a single one of these people see the part about wanting to kill her? Actually PLANNING to kill her.

The police found it interesting enough to look into it, they found reason to arrest the guy. After a long court trial Amanda’s ex-boyfriend, Brent, was sentenced to life in prison for murder. The body was exhumed and buried at a family plot. The rent got more expensive because Mr. Morris was in prison for helping cover a murder so his aunt took over.

You win some you lose some.

Amanda did not leave though. The ghost hung out still to this day four months later. The social media posts kept going. The pizzas kept getting ordered, only now from their pockets because Amanda’s parents closed her bank account. Amanda was irritated about that, she was cut off from her parents money and stuck living with two other people.

Linda and Melissa tried to make her feel as comfy as possible, they left a pen and notebook in each room so she could communicate with them. Usually the notes were always about how bored she was being a ghost and how if she tried to leave the house it got all bright and she started floating. Amanda was “for real afraid of flying” as she wrote on a notebook.

Amanda’s behavior got strange at some point. She began doing things like drawing stick figures on the bathroom floor in shampoo, she would wrap herself in toilet paper and roll down the stairs creating the illusion of her body disappearing, the worst of it was when she would lay in bed with Linda and Melissa startling them when she pulled the blanket. It was like living with an invisible insane person. Either her mind was slipping or she was just a strange character. She would turn the TV on and watch the same episode of “King of Queens” for ten hours straight while they were at work. They wondered what would happen if they deleted it from the DVR but didn’t want to face that at all.

The alarm kept going off too; Linda had to hand out awkward smiles and apologies when it happened at work or in public. One time she had to apologize to a middle aged woman when it went off in the cereal aisle while shopping and her son started singing the lyrics to the original version as loud as his voice would allow. The mother gasped at all the words her kid knew and knocked a shelf of maple syrup over. The bottles burst all over the floor, Linda tried to help clean it up but she was shooed away by a guy with a mop bucket and a face that said he wanted her dead as shit.

They asked her multiple times what they could do to get her to move along, to which she would always write “sno-cone” on her notebook with no explanation.

Linda woke up sick on a Tuesday and didn’t go to work, she came into the bathroom and seen a note written in lipstick on the mirror that read “Baby, all my life I will be driving home to you.” She blushed, Melissa had left her a really sweet note on the mirror. When Melissa got home she surprised her with a bout of some of the best sex they had ever had, despite Linda being sick she felt overcome with love for her partner.

“Wow. What did I do to deserve that?” Asked Melissa after.

“The note.”

“Oh yes. The note, got you good with that one. So, if it was so good mind telling me what it said?”

“You know what it said!”

“Of course I do.”

She didn’t know what it said. She had no clue, but she wasn’t going to raise a stink about what just happened. No way, no how. She got up and went to use the restroom, as she sat on the toilet she looked up and saw the words on the mirror.

“LINDA!” She yelled. “I DIDNT LEAVE THAT! THATS THE GODDAMN LYRICS FROM THE THEME SONG FOR ‘THE KING OF QUEENS!’”

Linda didn’t know what to say; she shook her head and internally accepted defeat on this one. The couple didn’t talk about it again, the ends justified the means on this one they silently agreed; thanks Amanda.

The trio had carried on life like this for months, seven to be exact, when they heard a bang and a crash from the front door. Assuming this was yet again Amanda doing some goofy nonsense they ran downstairs to clean up the mess only to find a man standing their pointing a shotgun at them.

“You’re the dykes who got me locked up, aintcha?” Said a freshly broke out of prison Brent. “You know, usually I’m cool with like loving whoever and like rights and like equality and shit but tonight is not your night. Go sit.”

They were tied together on the couch while Brent sat channel flipping on the TV.

“Amanda is still here,” spoke Linda “she’s a ghost, at some point she’s going to help us and you’ll probably get hurt. She’s probably posting pictures on Instagram right now so she’s a little busy, but I promise when she finds out she’ll come running.”

“No she won’t.”

“Ok? So you think her post is going to get a ton of likes then?”

“She’s afraid of me.”

“Ugh are you generic ‘I beat my girlfriend’ guy number seventy or not?”

“Not.”

“Then why is she afraid of you?”

“I’m bigger than her…… I guess?”

“She’s a ghost.”

“I’m still bigger.”

​“How can you be bigger than an incorporeal being with no mass or weight?”

​“See, she doesn’t way anything.”

“You didn’t think any of this through did you?”

“Not one bit.”

“It shows. Why did you kill her?”

“Hey I’ve never been what you’d call a planner. I killed her because she broke up with me for the fiftieth time that year and all my friends were giving me a hard time about how I would just crawl back to her. I said ‘can’t crawl back to her if I kill her!’ They all thought it was funny so I did it.”

“Ah………Makes perfect sense to me.”

“A guy has to watch his reputation, right?”

They sat there watching late night infomercials in silence for another half hour. Linda nudged Melissa as she seen a phone floating around taking pictures of a floating can of soup.

Of all the ghosts in the world, why was theirs like this?

“Brent, there’s some stuff on the DVR” Linda told him.

“Good I hate infomercials. Oh yuck, ‘The King of Queens.’ I hate that show, Amanda loved it. That fat fucking heifer guy gets to make it with that babe every night. Fucking loser ass UPS guy”

They could see the phone slowly lower and start hovering towards Brent. They let him rant.

“And that Deacon guy, what a fucking idiot, he leaves his wife at one point which is silly because she’s so fucking hot.”

The can of soup hovered behind him.

“That guy that dates the ugly chick from the bowling alley, now I can’t tolerate him at all.”

The soup can shook with rage.

“He ends up living with the other guy right? Like what the fuck? Are they like a thing or not a thing? I didn’t pay enough attention. I did pretend to though to get some action every now and again, show fucking sucks though. Here I’ll do you guys a favor.”

As he deleted the episode from the DVR the can came slamming down into his head.

Again.

Again.

Again.

Again.

Again.

They heard a voice yell “MY BONES ARE GETTING WEARY! MY BACK IS GETTING TIGHT!” As the can of cream of chicken turned Brent’s head into cream of Brent’s brains.

After the violence stopped the notebook hovered in front of them and said “Sorry, I was on TikTok, I’ll clean this up tho.”

Much like the first night that’s exactly what happened. They were untied and they watched as the mess was cleaned up. Brent’s body floated over to the ground and the can of soup was laid on the table. The phone floated over to Melissa who dialed 911.

After the legal mess was cleaned up they decided that having Amanda around maybe was not such a bad idea. No one could really kill them, it was like having a built in security system. They did eventually add a third line to their cell plan and let her set up social media for herself as a reclusive twenty something who couldn’t leave the house due to a skin condition.

Her pages were ok, they didn’t get much interaction or followers but Amanda was happy. Sometimes people would say they wanted to hang out with her because they lived close, Amanda just said her skin condition was contagious AF. No one ever thought to say “Hey, what exactly IS your medical condition?” People could be so polite sometimes.

Christmas morning as they all opened gifts Linda and Melissa cried as Amanda opened the complete series collection of “The King of Queens.” The three sat on the couch together that evening and watched all of season one.

Baby all my life I will be driving home to you.

The next day they heard a familiar song. Together they both smiled and thought that yes, there was a ghost in this house.

[ecotone99]

[MF] I married a ghost

The house had always felt alive, It's an old Victorian terrace house with many cracks and crevices with many secrets within the walls.

I could feel the ghostly bodies moving around all the time. I mean I am not insane but something in the back of my mind always had told me the dead were living in my house. I was right.

Back in October 2008, I was home alone, my cat decided it was his day off and went for a walk and my housemates where all at work. I sat down in front of the TV with a bowl of popcorn ready to watch the greatest movie to ever exist, Casper the friendly ghost.

There is something about ghosts that have always fascinated me. I always wondered what it would be like to be a ghost. That doesn't make me crazy, does it?

I was halfway through the film when the light began to flicker. I almost shat myself.

The light kept flickering until a big spark and puff the light bulb shattered into a million pieces. I screamed. I'm surprised the neighbours didn't call the police it sounded like I was getting murdered.

I jumped five feet into the air scattering popcorn all over the place. I took a leap of faith onto the sofa. My knees bent so far I could feel the creaking in my bones. My mouth went dry as I began to pant. Fear struck my body like a Concorde.

The movie continued to play as I stood there in total panic. My panic began to subside until the room fell silent as the tv turned black.

The sudden onset panic attack erupted once more. My knees felt weak yet they still stayed glued in place.

I Closed my eyes and waited to be killed, I stood there for a few minutes before I opened my eyes. I jumped backwards and fell to the floor. I had literally seen a ghost.

His skin had a pale complexion, but not see through like the movies. His eyes glowed an electric blue and he had scars all over his body. Some looked deep.

He looked like he was thirty. He wore a scuffed up black shirt, Stained with god knows what. His trousers were also stained and he wore no shoes. His hair was scruffy black with flecks of all sorts in it.

When I jumped back I caught my head of the table and past out. The next thing I knew I had woken up with an ice pack on my head laying on the sofa.

The man was still standing there as pale as he was the first time I had seen him.

"Hi i didn't mean to scare you, my names Lee" He put his hand out in an indication for me to shake. Out of shock, I shock it. A shiver went through me, his hand was icy.

"Don't be afraid I won't hurt you" He spoke in a soothing tone like that of a children's TV presenter.

" I thought you might want to meet me I see you watching ghost videos all the time. It's very lonely being dead you see." I took a deep gulp and huddled myself back into an upright position almost squirming.

"What happened to you," I asked my body relaxed a little bit

"I don't want to Spook you," He said calmly as if he hadn't even scared me already..

"Please go on" I said

"Well I got killed in this house," he said. I took another big gulp of fresh air.

"Who by" It was as if I had known this guy all my life. I was talking to him as if I had known him since the day I was born.

"I got in a fight with John,,I couldn't afford my part of the rent, we have lived here together for ten years you see. I said I lost my Job and needed to move back home. He got angry. He said that I never loved him that in fact what we had was a lie and that I used him. I had never seen him this angry before." A teardrop formed at the top of his left eye

" It was like he was possessed. I said that I did love him, its just I thought we could move back to my parents for a while and find a new house. There was a lot of shouting he started to push me. I didn't like that so I pushed him back. He wasn't having any of it he picked up a kitchen knife and repeatedly stabbed me." He paused for a moment. I said nothing out of shock.

"Im now buried under the floor in his bedroom," he said

"Whos John?" I took a moment to think. It then dawned on me it could be the landlord. There was always something strange about that man

"Are you talking about John Smith?" I said

"Yes that John the bastard got away with murder. I think he killed more than just me that's why I came back to ask for your help in locking up the bastard before he kills anyone else." My heart fluttered I felt my throat closing up.

We talked for a while longer. I plucked up the courage and I checked out John's room. Johns door was locked, luckily Lee knew where a spare key was. I opened the door and a horrible stenched woofed out. It smelled of rotten skunk.

The room was filthy. There were clothes everywhere, dirt caked in layers on the oak floor. There was a horrible smell. A smell that I have never smelt before. It was a mix between vomit and fish.

Looking around, I could see more dirt. The bedding hadn't been washed in years, that smell kept hitting me. I looked at his desk yet another is covered in dirty plates and other debris.

Just underneath one of the plates stuck out a folder. I moved the plates out the way and picked it up. It was black without a label. I unclipped it and pulled out a stack of photos. The photos were of naked bodies covered in blood. The bodies were bruised and scarred. They were pale and pasty.

I felt like I wanted to leave but Lee made me look further. He wanted me to know he wasn't lying about this whole thing.

Locating a bin I puked out breakfast. This whole room gave me the creeps. I wanted to hide call the police straight away, but I needed to be sure that there was a body.

Lee told me that there was a loose floorboard underneath the bed. Shoving the bed with a bit of force I managed to move it out the way. Sure enough, one of the floorboards where lose. I managed to pry it up. Then the next one. That's all i needed to remove. Underneath lay a man in a black suit.

I took one look at him and realised that it was the same man standing next to me. The face had the same scars. The clothes were the same. Every inch of the man was the same. The only difference between the two was the one under the floorboards had begun to decay.

I called the police, and they arrested John.. I could have been the next victim if I hadn't found the body. He had pictures of me in a folder marked with blood. My hair clippings were inside a Ziploc bag under his desk.

Two months later John was put on trial. I didn't have to testify. The pictures and bloody clothes that were found in the wardrobe, plus a victim who escaped the same night that I found the body was enough to put him behind bars for the rest of his life.

The bank who reclaimed the house evicted me and the other flatmates. That's when I lost contact with Lee for a while.

A few weeks after moving home with my parents. The house went up on the market for a very low price. I don't know what made me but I got a loan from my parents and moved back in.

On the big day of moving in, I hoped and prayed that I would bump into Lee again. Something about him made my heart flutter.

I was unpacking boxes labelled Kitchen when Lee appeared he frightened the shit out of me and made my heart race in two different ways. He smiled I smiled and once again we connected. It was love at first sight as some say.

For the next few years, we celebrated every day together. We cooked together, played Xbox. We read books done paintings. We argued a lot, we fought but that made our love stronger. Every time I see him he makes my heart fluttered and if he was alive I bet I made his flutter to.

Lee could never leave the house because his spirit left him within the confines of the house, but that didn't matter. We did everything we could together. And the things he couldn't do with me I recorded myself doing them for him.

After four years of knowing each other Lee proposed. Are engagement rings were made of tinfoil but that never mattered. Of course, we couldn't have an official wedding we still had the greatest wedding ever.

We decorated the house in white, flowers everywhere. I got a dress of eBay and I walked down a makeshift aisle. We said our vowels kissed. We have now been married six years and I have never been in love with someone so deeply before. He is the one for me.

As the vowels say we are together till death do us apart. Well, in this case, we are together for eternity. That's the biggest perk of marrying a ghost.

​

https://www.thebookaddict.co.uk/2019/07/one-aspect-yes-i-believe-in-ghosts-but.html

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