#didn't want to steal from her typing quirk lol + i would totally forget to make em -E so i settled for just making em capitalized

[shepards-folly]

shout out to the fellas who can’t help but assume everyone is mad at them if they even sound slightly upset (it’s me i’m the fellas)

[quarantinebreakup412081121]

Day 6: I slept through the night and didn't wake up crying this morning

So that's progress, right??? I think that the Theraflu helped me to kick whatever fever, etc. I had, because now I only feel sadness, not debilitating sickness. Head hurts a little- the way it hurts the day after I've cried intensely about something. I know this feeling because I had it probably weekly when I was with J, and I'd experienced a couple instances of it with R over the past month.

I'm trying to frame R as the bad guy, but it's still hard because I can't forget about all of the good--- because there was SO MUCH GOOD. I'm coming to realize though, that a large amount of the "good" was the face you put on for a person when you first meet and you're trying to get on their good side- even if you're not being 100% you. He did do some bad things, yes, but I keep finding my mind gravitating to the positive memories. That's natural and that happened with J right after we broke up, even though I knew he was 85% shit bag and 10% nice guy and probably 5% lizard person.

So here are some of the things that didn't, as he said "sit right with me" about him; let me know what you think.

1. He drank- like every day- like a couple or a few beers. I rarely drink, but I thought, if he can hold his shit together, we’re still having a good time- it's all good! Then one day, I was bringing up something we'd had a 20 minute conversation about the day before and he had NO IDEA what I was talking about. No recollection. He laughed and said "I was drunk!" I had NO idea because he seemed totally sober and I didn't realize that he'd had however many beers and like an entire large bottle of wine while we were playing video games with his friends. Come to think of it- I think the only times we were together and he wasn't drinking were when he drove here (I mean, I hope he didn't drink before he drove- WITH HIS DOG- over here.) And when we were out for a date day in Raleigh. He did have a couple drinks at lunch, but that's reasonable.  Any time he had a long day or something difficult happened- his first comment was about how he needed a drink.  I wish he’d sometimes just talked about some of those things instead of handling it with alcohol all the time.  That’s not healthy for anyone and eventually it will take its toll.

2. He drove tired. It was to see me (a 1 hour drive,) which I appreciated, but I'd have rather come to him or seen him a little less frequently if it meant he'd only drive when fully rested. Once again-- he had his dog with him every time, so he was putting them both-- and others-- at risk! This bothered me and I think it bothered him that I was bothered by it. He said he'd fallen asleep- like dozed off for a couple seconds- driving all the time and it was fine... 🤔🤔🤔 That's very much not okay.

3. He texted while driving. He said it's fine and he's okay and it's not a big deal. It stressed me out. Once again, I think he was bothered that I was bothered by him putting everyone in the car (plus others) at risk by driving distracted. But he's a cop and former military (and a white American man) so I guess there is that piece of him that believes he's above the law and he can just do what he wants.

4. He would not talk about his previous sexual partners- not a number, not anything, and he was adamant about it. I didn't like that; I didn't need details, I just wanted to have an idea of how many people he'd been with before me.  I just wanted to know that he was taking us seriously enough to talk about real life stuff like that.

5. He would not make our relationship official. We "dated exclusively" for 5 months and then he ghosted me.  And I was the one who asked him if we were exclusive during our first month because I assumed we were, but then I thought I should say it and get verbal confirmation before I ended up in a situation where I was dating someone who was dating other people because we’d never officially established those boundaries.

6. He wouldn't add me on social media because he "hardly used it." That was a gigantic red flag and I intentionally ignored it because he seemed genuine and it seemed like something silly to make a big deal of-- but I should have made it a big deal.  It didn’t sit 100% right with me, but I figured, not everybody is into social media and I don’t want to make it out to be a bigger thing than it was.  But what I realize now is that since it wasn’t a big deal, the fact that he was fighting against it was a sign that he was trying to hide something from me.

7. The only time he did a "weekend getaway" type of thing was when we were going to go to the beach a month after we first met. He was going to pick me up, we'd go to the beach for a few days and stay at a hotel there together. Then he said the person who was going to dog sit while we were gone had just lost their parent so they couldn't do it anymore, but he'd ask some other people. He said everyone he asked was unavailable, so he cancelled the hotel and said we could go to the beach for just the day and then do a Raleigh date- Disney Store, Build A Bear, cheesecake, sushi, etc. instead on the following day. But he's still be stealing me for the weekend. These were the first nights we spent together. After our Raleigh date, which included Disney Store (yay!) but no build a bear because the line was too long, and picking up cheesecake to go, we went to a different place to eat than originally planned because the restaurant wait was 2 hours. When we got back to his place, we watched TV and he gave me wine- I had a couple glasses- and those hit me pretty hard because I am a lightweight lol. I knew we were going to have our first time that night. It wasn't discussed, I just kind of knew, and he did, too... We had been building up to it so it wasn’t out of nowhere.  And I was ready- and I wanted to- so there was no issue with that. But looking back, I can't help but feel like he was trying to get some alcohol in me so I’d be more likely to go with it. He did not force anything on me at all, I could have stopped it at any time if that’s what I wanted, but I was totally aware and did what I wanted to do-- this still doesn't change his motivation for doing what he did and that on its own just doesn't "sit right with me." Also, it's convenient how he never sent me the hotel info before the trip got cancelled, and how everybody was unavailable, and how he was able to cancel the hotel so close to the time as well as the aquarium reservation (that I think you had to pay for.) Not saying any of this isn't what happened; it just seems really odd.

8. He would tell me the same stories again and again. I noticed him do it with his friends, too. And they'd just kind of laugh along- as if that's something they're used to. Had he already done some damage to his brain? I was concerned about that, for him and for me, but I figured, it's a quirk. I can deal with it.

9. He would always shit talk kids. Like he really disliked kids. He didn't want to go to the pool if there were "screaming kids" there. He said he did an escape room and there were kids there who ruined the experience. He talked about living with his ex (for many years) and how he got along okay with her kids but was closer with the toddler than the one in school. How do you LIVE with a person for years and then move out, but continue to date on and off, and just kind of get along okay with their kids?  And when he met my best friend and her husband and daughter, he was so great with her!  Didn’t even skip a beat talking to her and playing card games with her.  But I guess that’s all part of his ability to act like the “good guy” when he has to.  That makes more sense now.

10. The story of how he got his dog. The day we met he said as part of his sheriff dept rotation he had to work at the animal shelter and he ended up meeting Luna falling in love with her so brought her home with him. Couple months later, he's telling a story about it and said that it was his ex who wanted to get Luna and he only brought her with him after he moved out because Luna couldn't stay in the house alone with the cat and it was better for her to be with him where she didn't have to be crated all the time. So that was a good way to handle it, but that's definitely not the story I was told about him and his bond with Luna. He absolutely loves her more than anything now, but that's just something that there's no need to lie about?

11. He didn't like taking pictures. He said he didn't like his smile. I liked his smile; I still like his smile. It's cute and sweet and him and I always loved seeing it. But I get it, everyone has their issues with themselves. I told him I loved taking pics and that I was just taking them for me- they wouldn't be posted anywhere. He obliged a couple times for selfies and Snapchat filtered pics, but I could tell he didn't want to, so I wouldn't ask- and when we were at his friends' wedding party, there was a lovely floral setup and I wanted a pic together, and he saw the pic I took there by myself and asked if I wanted one of us there together, but I thought I should say no, so that if be compromising with the photo taking and his dislike of photos. I said, do you want a pic? And he said he never wanted to take pics, did I want a pic? And I said it's alright, he'd already been in another pic with me earlier. I was clearly disappointed and he should have just said-- it's fine, give ********* your phone and let's get one. But he said okay and we never got it. And if I had to do that kind of thing forever, I would have absolutely hated it.

12. When we met, he said he wanted to go to Disney with me, and that even though he gets motion sickness, he'd take Dramamine and go on rides with me and he'd be fine. Then another time he said if I could convince his other couple friends to go, me and the girl could go on rides and he and the guy could wait for us and drink 🤦🏽‍♀️. Then another time he said that he probably wouldn't much fun at the parks because he couldn't do anything. I never even asked him again-- these were just things he was bringing up to back out. Disney is my life and if my partner can't- or won't- do park trips with me, what's the point???

13. He said he loved the beach and used to love there and that he goes all the time. Then I told him I love the beach, too! He said that as a school resource officer, it was easy to get time off during the summer when school wasn't in session. I waited. We never went to the beach. He took one day off all summer and that was because his friend came over to spend Friday night with him before a card game competition on Saturday. I only benefited from part of that because I drove up Thursday night (through the worst storm of the year) and we went to the pool for a couple hours on Friday. I thought he did it for me, for us to spend time together... But it turns out, he didn't. He just fit me into something that was already in the works.

14. He didn't have any pet names for me, he didn't really ever compliment me outside of a few times when we first met, or the occasional, "I like those shoes/that dress/your hair like that." He didn't greet me through text with cutesy things, just a couple times when he said "what's cookin good lookin?" And that was it.

15. Presents- this isn't about physical presents, but rather about thoughtfulness and effort being reciprocated. The only presents he ever gotten me were two Build-A-Bears when we were at the mall another time, after the first date BAB plans fell through. We were walking around and the line wasn't super long, so I kind of pushed to go and he tried to avoid it, sort of, but gave in. I got a brown bear with a Captain America suit and R's voice saying "I'm Captain Falcon, huhu." He'd gotten confused once and called Falcon & Winter Soldier Captain Falcon, so that was a little joke we shared. And the laugh was just a cute and silly laugh he'd do. It was adorable. Also got a mermaid bear with a shiny beachy dress because she was as sassy and extra as me! It was so sweet and so fun and I just thought, this is real- I've found someone who gets and accepts me without judgement.

I had given him a matching St. Patrick's day shirt- we wore those together. I special ordered custom "pea in a pod #1" (him) and "pea in a pod #2" (me) shirts because he always said we're two peas in a pod. I tried to get him to wear it, but he said he was saving it for another time and that we'd get pics in them and then it was forgotten and we never wore them together. I took mine every time I visited; it was a staple in my overnight duffel.

I gave him a Grape Soda Ellie Badge Pin (from Pixar's Up) to show him how much I really liked him. I sent him cards in the mail. I got him a huge candle- like a nice $30 candle- because he always had candles lit around his apartment. I got him a beach/pool towel because he would just use a regular bath towel when he went out to the pool. He said he liked mint tea, so I got him a large Epcot Starbucks mug and a container of Starbucks Mint Tea. I gave Luna multiple bags of dog treats and a couple bandanas. I gave him a nice blanket to lay on the couch so Luna could sit on the couch without messing it up- because before that he wasn't letting her on the couch because he said it would ruin the couch. My mom made meals and sent them at least 4 or 5 times. I made cheesecake- his favorite dessert- more times than I can count and took it for him. I also made rice pudding for him when he mentioned that he liked rice pudding. Anything he mentioned or anything I noticed- I was on top of it because I wanted to do things to show him I was listening and I cared. I already had a Christmas present for him and a couple presents for his friends.  They’re still up in my closet. I know he wanted the next Mario Party game for Switch so I was going to get it for him for his birthday, along with a new pair of Crocs because he showed me how his were wearing out at the bottom, but he still kept wearing them. I'm also not working right now and he is working- so if $ is a factor- it's harder on my end for this stuff. I never got flowers- even just a couple. He made dinners for me, but I made dinners for him too. He'd buy us Taco Bell sometimes, but it wasn't like a thoughtful gesture type of thing. I guess he isn't a card writer, so that would have been too much to expect... I always talked about my interests and passions and things that I enjoyed- so I would have been super easy to surprise with something- anything! Maybe like a cupcake from the cupcake shop down the road from him that would be closed by the time I'd arrive in town when I was visiting him. I didn't need anything huge, but he just isn't that type of person- not with me. He'd tell me how he went to this place or that place, because his ex wanted to go to a certain place for New Year's, so they went, or she wanted to check out somewhere else, so they went. And it hurt that I was getting a different side of him than she got- especially considering this was so early on and this was probably the best I'd get from him. One day I noticed that Luna's tags were never updated, so they still had R's number and his ex's number as contacts. I popped her # into Facebook and found her. She seems nice. I wouldn't know. The kids seem like regular kids. She's white. I think I already knew that though. I guess I'm 2 for 2 on being given less than I deserve by a man because I'm brown. It's f*cking hurtful.

16. He didn't brush his teeth after waking up; he'd eat first and that's just something I'm not a fan of. It's like a pet peeve of mine, and I refuse to kiss someone in the morning before we have both brushed our teeth. I did it one time-- I'd already brushed my teeth because I HATE morning breath. He hadn't. We were messing around I guess, and for some reason I just did it. Never again.

17. I never slept through the night with him in his bed. Maybe that was my subconscious telling me something was wrong and I shouldn't be there, but try as I might, I never could. We switched sides once, that helped some, but I was still up throughout the night. I took Benadryl to make me drowsy, it just made me sick. I took Melatonin; it didn't help. I had wine before bed once, it didn't help.  I guess my body was never going to acclimate to it because it was fighting its way out of something it knew it shouldn't be in.

18. He insisted I sign the wedding frame with him at his friends' wedding party (that's what his friends had instead of a guest book.) I told him he should just do it by himself, but he insisted. This seemed like he was telling me that he wanted us to be long term and that I'd be a part of his life and his friends' life for a while. He gave me hope and intentionally/unintentionally misled me into believing that everything was great and that he thought we were a good fit. He did this until he hit me with "I don't think we're a good match" and disappeared. Who pulls a 180 like that?? Rather, what kind of functional adult does something like that? Answer: they don't.

19. He didn't like stand up comedy. None of it, not at all. He said it's too forced. What the hell does that even mean. Everyone likes standup????

20. He wouldn't plan things, because he said his mom would plan vacations and other things down to the hour and that ruined trips for them-- okay I get that. And he has really intense and negative feelings toward his mother- they don't even speak. A lot happened in his family and he has his reasons. He told me about that stuff and it all made sense and he needs to handle those things in a way that's best for him. But he never stuck to plans with us. Everything was always changing. It was stressful to expect to go to the beach and aquarium and then hear, oh were going to the mall instead and tomorrow we'll do that. Then tomorrow it would be, oh we missed the aquarium window so we're just going to go to the beach. Then on the way to the beach, he pulls into a zoo parking lot and now we're at the zoo. This is too much crazy for me and if this is how he does everything... I can't handle it long term.  Or he would say we were going to do things- long term and short term, small things and big things- and I’d get excited about them, but then they’d just never happen and he;d make no effort to make them happen.

21. He's really wasteful. It's kind of a side effect of living along as a single guy and trying to be efficient. He tosses like a few things into the wash or the dryer, doesn't wait for a full load. One time I'm pretty sure he put in two towels and that was it. He only uses his dishwasher, but used almost as much water to rinse off the dishes before he loaded them in the dishwasher as he would to just wash them. He throws out recyclables (not his fault, the apartment is only collecting trash since the pandemic started.) But instead of using like a Brita filter, he just buys shit tons of bottled water.

22. All of his meals consist of the same basic group of foods. Cut up turkey sausage, turkey bacon (half of the time burnt- not crispy, BURNT,) eggs, hot sauce, wonton strips, salad, wontons, beyond meat/shrimp tacos. I didn't love the tacos, but they were the first thing he made me (our first date at his place) and he was so excited about them that I couldn't not love them. He made them again when I met his dad.

23. He wore one of two pairs of shoes all the time. He wore solid polos and khaki shorts or pants anytime we went out. At home, it was athletic shorts and an old Hanes t-shirt (usually a white one, sometimes a black one.) I understand comfort but like... He never tried to look nice for me and I always had multiple outfits with me just in case. He did wear the St. Patrick's day shirt I got for him a couple times.

24. I think he was genuinely bothered by my celebrity crush on Chris Evans. And this isn’t like how I used to be kind of jealous of Taylor Swift when my ex was obsessed with her-- because I knew he was never going to pursue her or walk up to her on the street and leave me for her.  Obviously the same goes for Chris Evans.  I'm not even going to say anything else about this because it's ridiculous.

25. When we met he said he was respectful of people's passions and the things they like because why wouldn't you be? We even talked about how my ex looked down on me for the things I enjoyed.  But I really do feel like he wasn't about my love of Disney or Concerts or beach time... You can never trust men in the beginning. They all just lie until they get what they want and then you see true colors.  Why not support the passions of someone you care about?  What does that take away from you?

To be continued... I need to make myself eat something. Fever didn't come back today so hopefully it's done for real now.