#distract myself from some aspects of reality in just this moment temporarily.

[hongnanglen-arina]

Forget me not | Hong Joshua

Genre: Angst

Pairing: Joshua x fem reader

Warnings: sick!reader, dementia

Words: 3k

A/N: Hey there! So here it is, my first angsty fic on here. I’m currently going through this myself but writing it down helped me cope with it a bit. Of course having to deal with this syndrome/disease is anything but romantic or nice but i tried to make it less bad if you know what i mean... anyways, i really hope you don’t have to deal with this in rl. Please be healthy!! Love you ♡

Tagged: @love-dreams​ @seokcalibur​ 

⋅𖥔⋅ ━━ ⋅𖥔⋅ ━━ ⋅𖥔⋅ ━━ ⋅𖥔⋅ ━━ ⋅𖥔⋅

The first time Joshua knew that something was off was at your birthday party 5 years ago. When you talked too fast, often times you mixed up the names especially the similar ones. You nearly forgot the cake in the oven. Luckily your cousin noticed it. During the party, he thought you were just too excited or too stressed because you wanted it to be perfect. You’ve always been like this.

But when you were alone in the kitchen after everyone had left, you asked him about the special occasion of the party. You couldn’t remember it was your birthday.

He had laughed and thought it was a joke. But it wasn’t. 

The questions increased, more and more random reactions happened until he couldn’t leave you alone anymore. 

Once he was at a market with you. It was a lovely saturday afternoon. You two enjoyed those short getaways a lot. You would randomly choose a place up to 3 hours away from your home and would drive there, spent the day or even the whole weekend there and would go back happily as if you had a little vacation. That day you had decided to split up so he could secretly get the little bouquet of roses for you before joining you at the grocery store to help with the bags. The bouquet was placed securely on the backseat of your car when he stepped into the grocery store, looking for you. The store wasn’t too big so he was sure that it wouldn’t take long to find you. No sign of you at the fruit corner, the pastries, alcohol nor the snacks corner. He just couldn’t find you. He even asked the workers to call your name through the speakers because he started to get worried. 5 minutes passed. 10. 15. Still no sign. He didn’t want to bother the busy workers a second time so he made his way back to your rented apartment for the weekend. Maybe you wanted to start preparing dinner because you’ve been always like this. You never wanted to get help if it wasn’t really necessary. This was one of the reasons you two would get into an argument but those never lasted for long. 

When Joshua got into the car and drove down the street in the direction of your apartment, he saw you sitting at the bus stop, crying. He immediately stopped the car and ran to you, he thought his heart had stopped beating the second he saw in what kind of state you were.

“Y/n, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” He tried his best to speak in a calming tone but it was very difficult. Joshua didn’t know what was wrong. What happened. What he missed out on. He was mad at himself that he left you alone, no matter what the reason for your tears was.

Your eyes lightened up a bit when you recognized him beside you on the bench, looking down at his hands which were holding yours, thumbs rubbing soothingly over your cold skin.

“I’m such a bad mother! I forgot to prepare dinner for our kids! I have to go back and cook. They must be hungry and waiting!”

It wasn’t what Joshua was expecting to hear. 

Especially because your two children were already living in other cities for work and university. He didn’t understand right away. Again, he thought you made a joke but when his eyes met your glossy ones and he tried to find the right words.

“Love, they aren’t with us anymore. You don’t have to prepare dinner for them.”

This was the wrong choice of words. You started to cry uncontrollably, worse than before. Because you thought they had passed away.

Later on he learned that he had to “play along”. That this would resolve almost every situation with people who were suffering with this syndrome.

The other time you just wanted to throw away the trash. It was just right outside the apartment complex so he thought it would be okay. The big bins were just beside the entrance, in a separate place only residents could enter since the gatekeeper was always around. You didn’t have to go that far, it was still the same building. But what was a task for 10 minutes maximum under normal circumstances became a horrible memory for Joshua and probably you too. 

Because you got lost somewhere between leaving and closing the apartment door and the moment Joshua found you. In the hospital.

Until now, he didn’t know what exactly happened on that day. But you got hit by a car when you crossed the street at a red light he was told. Even after asking the gatekeeper, he couldn’t help you because after seeing you, he got a call and didn’t pay attention where you were going after exchanging greetings.

Joshua’s fingers slightly touched your knee, the scars from the accident still evident. He was mad at himself. He thought moving to this place would help you recover and made you happier. In some aspects it did. Living on the 23rd floor with a breathtaking view over the Hangang river and all the nice lights once it got dark outside was something you two had always dreamt of. Being able to take a walk at the park next to the building and having some slice of nature around was exactly what you two wanted in this huge city. Always joked about growing old and admiring the view together. 

He never thought it would become like this.

He didn’t know why God had chosen you.

He used to believe that everything happened for a reason. That you would only get good things if you do good.

He was raised to believe in God. 

But after everything, it was difficult.

He even caught himself hating God for making you suffer like this.

He just couldn’t help it.

“It’s cold.” Your words pulled Joshua back to reality and he quickly got up to get your favorite blanket. The fuzzy fabric that you fell in love with when you were at an amusement park together a month before you got married. You always took great care to everything and everyone around you so it was no surprise to him that the blanket still looked exactly like it did when he won it for you. Although it hasn’t gotten the same care anymore after you weren’t able to do chores by yourself again. Joshua asked you what your secret was in maintaining it but as much as he tried, he just wasn’t as talented as you. 

He wrapped you in your blanket and made sure that you felt warm and cozy before walking over to the open kitchen area to prepare tea. Your favorite organic herbal infusion. 

While he was waiting for the water to boil, is eyes traveled to the side and to the wall which was decorated by different photos. Every single one holding a deep meaning.

A selfie taken on a ferries wheel. The moment he confessed his feelings for you. He planned everything to the smallest detail and wanted it to be romantic. Throughout the evening you asked him several times why he was carrying a bigger backpack. The reason was a bouquet of red roses. That day he wasn’t fully himself because he was too nervous but it still worked out. He succeeded. Joshua smiled at the memory.

Beside that was a photo from your wedding. The beautiful dress that you wore was something he had never seen. He was speechless and had to swallow down the tears. He couldn’t believe that he was the lucky guy marrying this ethereal woman in front of him. In this photo your eyes were a little puffy and nose slightly red because you couldn’t help but to cry through half of the ceremony. He could still hear your whines when his best friend asked for a photo. The smile remained on Joshua’s lips while remembering the moment.

Then photos of your children. The first born, then your second 3 years later. Time really passed by too fast because now they weren’t living with you anymore. In fact, your first born would become a father himself in a couple of months. 

Joshua looked over to you, the smile changing to a painful expression. He wasn’t sure if you would understand who it is when your son would come over with his baby. 

Once the tea was ready, he put everything on a small tray with some fruits and walked back to you.

You were still at your favorite spot. At the table in the dining room which was right in front of a huge window, allowing you to have a beautiful view on the Hangang river and the Paldang bridge. Joshua would catch you smile from time to time, sometimes even getting an answer from you why you were smiling. When there wasn't a smile on your lips, your eyes would be watery as if you had remembered something sad. Every time he would ask you and often times he would be surprised what the cause was. The fact he would randomly learn new things about your past even after knowing you for over 40 years now was surprising to him. But the doctor once told him that those things could also be dreams or wishes that you would mix up with reality. Sadly it was common.

He helped you with the tea, blew over it and held the cup while you took a sip. Every time you would thank him but without saying his name. It was painful but he tried to hold his smile.

“They look like the flowers we have in our garden. They are so beautiful. My mother loves them. Me too.”

Joshua turned around to a painting on the wall. A painting of small flowers, little blue petals with white and yellow centers. Forget-me-nots. 

You painted it after getting the diagnosis. At that time, it wasn’t this severe. You were still able to do everything by yourself although you stopped from time to time because you weren’t able to remember what you wanted or why you were doing something. But the both of you were scared of the future.

It wouldn’t just go away after some time like a flu. There was nothing you could do, no antidote. Just medication which would temporarily improve the symptoms, distracting you from the real process. You knew that one day it would become so bad that you may hurt him.

The reason you painted the flowers was because you wanted to break up with him. You wanted a divorce. Not because you stopped loving him, it was because you loved him. You hated to ask for help. You hated to bother people, especially him. People who meant the world to you. You wanted him to live his life without you as a burden because dementia meant you would need help until the very end.

You wanted to give him the painting as a gift, like a symbol of your time together. That you were thankful for everything and hoped he would keep all the good memories in his heart. You didn’t want him to hate you and you really hoped he would understand. If not now, then later. The divorce would give him the freedom he deserved. He shouldn’t see you miserably and take care of you when you can’t recognize him anymore.

That was the biggest fight you two had. 

Joshua was more than hurt of the decision you had made alone. But he wasn’t the only one in pain and he saw it in the way you were shaking as you tried to explain everything. He knew that something was wrong with you some weeks prior to your fight where the bomb dropped. You didn’t eat normally, you denied his ideas for a night out, you didn’t smile as much as you used to. You just avoided his love and wanted to be alone more and more.

In the end he convinced you to stay. Joshua told you that he swore to care for you until his last breath. To be there for you in good but also in bad times. He would be understanding if the syndrome would mess with your brain or body again. It was his purpose to be there for you. He loved you. Just as much as you needed him, he needed you as well. Even if that meant to be in the situation he was in right now.

"You really sing so beautifully. You should become a singer!"

That's what you would say every day after he played the guitar or sang his favorite song for you. And his reply would be the same as well, every day.

"Believe me or not but I was a famous singer once.”

And you would always giggle and think that he made a joke. But it wasn’t.

Joshua was 2 years older than you but then again, healthy. Unlike you who was suffering from dementia. 

He knew you didn't do it on purpose but it always hurt him so much, he had no word to describe the pain. Knowing you weren't able to remember all the happy moments you two went through made his heart ache. No matter how often he told you about your adventures, your experiences and life lessons, you would forget about it right after. But he still did it again and again. At least he had a lot to tell you about and somehow it was a way of not forgetting it himself. Some kind of therapy for himself. But often times he struggled because he couldn't remember it clearly and it was always a lonely feeling as you couldn't help or correct him.

Joshua checked the secure on the wheels of your wheelchair, making sure it wouldn’t move. He slowly got up to his feet to turn on the heater on the other side of the room. It was getting cold inside and the tea was gone already.

When he first heard about dementia, he thought it was losing memory only. But as he educated himself more and more, he learned that it could also mean the loss of mobility and the loss of speech. 

Luckily the latter hasn’t happened yet and he prayed it would stay that way. 

That was one of the reasons he believed in God again.

He felt selfish but he had nowhere to go. No place to let everything out.

When he prayed to God again, he felt bad and pathetic at first but it gave him the strength he needed.

He prayed that you wouldn’t be in too much pain.

He mentioned his gratitude for still being with you.

He was thankful for the chance to be a good husband to you.

Absentmindedly, his fingers found his cross necklace. You weren’t in a good state and of course everything could be better without dementia but being there for each other must be the life lesson here. Even without a marriage, being with the person you love and supporting each other was one of the most important things in life. He didn’t know how it would be, if the tables were switched between the two of you. Maybe that was why Joshua understood your idea of the divorce although he decided against it. If he would have to choose again, his decision would be the same. 

He didn’t want a life without you.

After turning on the heater, he joined you again.

He was watching you smile with tears in your eyes.

He asked you what was wrong but you didn't react, instead your gaze was fixated on something outside the window. He wanted to help. He wanted to turn back time but he couldn't. His wish was impossible to become true. 

Joshua reached forward, grabbing two clementines from the tray he had brought earlier and started peeling them for you. You two used to do it for the other when everything was still okay. Before the drastic change had started. Now you've never done it for him again but it would never stop him from doing it for you.

Carefully taking your hand and placing the peeled fruits in it, you made a surprised noise, giving him a soft smile.

"How do you know I like them? Say, what's your name?"

He tried to smile back. The same question he would hear every day.

Leaning forward, he gently rubbed your arm through the blanket. "My name is Joshua." ...and I'm your husband, he added in his thoughts.

You pulled out your arm from under the blanket and carefully touched his hair, letting the fingertips graze his cheeks until he grabbed your hand and kept your hand like this, leaning in your palm and closing his eyes for a second before placing your hand back down in your lap. You still wore his bracelet. The one he made for you with pastel colored beads. 

Every day you would ask where you got it from but Joshua made sure to tell you about it every time he heard this question. At least you two would always have topics to talk about, he always told himself.

“You are so kind to me.” 

Your soft voice made him look up to you and then he saw it in your eyes. He saw that deep down you haven't completely forgotten about him and that was all he needed. That was what kept him going, day after day. You were and will always be the love of his life after all.

And that would never change. Never.

[helloalycia]

the exchange // alycia debnam-carey

summary: based off "the exchange" by camila bc why not. AKA you're in an unhappy relationship and fall for your boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend phew

warning/s: i guess cheating??

author’s note: look, i ain't about all that cheating shit. It's horrible and there's no valid reason tbh. This imagine wasn't intended to be a happily ever after in certain aspects, and tbh, everyone thinks they're the good guy hence the interpretation of this imagine is all down to perspective. It's based off the song, specifically the lyrics below, and it's up to you how you take it. I didn't intend for this to be taken seriously (just putting this here in case some of y'all get understandably pressed). People fall out of love and 'your' character should've done the right thing and broken things off but sometimes this (as in what happens) is just the reality of things.

okay, you can enjoy now lmao (i'm probs thinking WAY too far into this oops)

also, Y/M/N = your mother's name

"I think we should trade, 

Cupid told me he was drunk that day, 

and so he shot two arrows the wrong way. 

I heard him say, 

I think we should trade,

we'll tell 'em 'let's go on a double date,

meet us up at six in the café', 

we'll run away and call it the exchange."

         It was raining, hard.

         The patter of water against the window felt like miniature claps and I was sure the glass was trembling under the pressure. Nonetheless, the swirling grey clouds and intense rain fascinated me. It hadn't been like this when we'd left home – in fact, it had been relatively sunny. But as we sat and waited, the weather had progressively worsened. A shame, really. Well, to some.

         "Y/N, are you listening?"

         I tore my gaze from the window and met Ethan's brown eyes. He was sat beside me, watching with confusion as I blinked myself back into reality.

         "Yeah, sorry, what was that?"

         He rolled his eyes playfully and laughed before repeating whatever story he was telling. I felt bad, but once again, his lips were moving and no sound was coming out. Instead, I focused on our surroundings. The chatter of customers around us, the scent of coffee that had settled in the store, the bustle of baristas as they perfected their lattes. It was weird, as Ethan was like the background noise to everything else.

         "...and it's been a while, but I'm sure you'll love them both."

         Ethan had finished speaking and I looked back to him, forcing a small smile. He was talking about his best friend, Levi, who lived in Australia. Ethan hadn't met up with Levi in person for about a year now and Levi was moving back to L.A. – his hometown – with his new girlfriend. Well, new to Ethan and I anyway. Ethan had invited them both to meet at this coffee shop, the first meeting in a year.

         "Everything will be fine," I reassured Ethan. "You're right, I'm sure I'll love them."

         I didn't actually know Levi in person, only through the occasional video call. I wasn't really nervous to meet him, but Ethan figured I was. Should I have been? I didn't know.

         "Exactly," Ethan agreed, smiling a bright smile. Maybe for someone else his smile would have lightened up the room, especially in this dreary weather. Maybe his hand resting on their hand would have sent shivers down their spine. Maybe their stomach would be knotted with butterflies.

         I wasn't so sure.

         We had been together for a year now. He loved me. I had told him I loved him, too. But people can fall out of love, right? It was selfish of me to stay in this relationship, leading him on, when I felt nothing anymore. But I was still figuring out how to tell him. How could I let him down without hurting him?

         My mind was a mess, but I couldn't let that ruin now. He was excited to meet his best friend and I had to be a supportive girlfriend. That wouldn't be hard. I was happy for him.

         "Ethan?!"

         I looked up to see a tall blonde man walking towards our booth, a giant grin on his lips. He was holding hands with a girl, but as soon as he recognised Ethan, he let go of her and raced forward

         "Levi!"

         Ethan let go of my hand – I didn't miss the warmth – and slid out of the booth. His expression mirrored Levi's as he raced towards the blonde, meeting him halfway. The two embraced in a dramatic-like fashion, but nobody really took notice because of how busy the store was, despite the crappy weather.

         I sucked up a deep breath and slipped out of the booth as Ethan, Levi and the mystery girl approached me. Ethan was by my side instantly and I refrained from flinching at his unwanted touch.

         "You must be Y/N! It's so great to finally see you in person," Levi spoke first, a smile on his lips. He put out his hand and chuckled. "I'd give you a hug, but..."

         I shook his hand forced a small smile. I understood as he was soaking wet from the heavy rain outside, his hair plastered to his head.

         "You too," I said, hoping I sounded better than I felt.

         Levi seemed pleased with my response and shared a look with Ethan, but I was too uninterested to care.

         "This is my girlfriend, Alycia Debnam-Carey," he spoke again, this time reconnecting a hand with the mystery girl's. He looked to her and said, "Alycia, this is Ethan, as you kind of know. And this is Y/N Y/L/N, his girlfriend."

         The mystery girl – Alycia – stepped forward and pushed her dark, wet hair from her eyes. As her crystal green eyes flickered from the floor to mine, I felt stuck in my spot. She was beautiful and suddenly green was my favourite colour.

         "Lovely to meet you both," she said, smiling the most beautiful smile I'd ever seen. And god, she had the most adorable accent I'd ever heard.

         She too put out her hand, and Ethan shook it first, saying something or the other, but I wasn't really listening. I just knew that it made Alycia laugh and throw her head back with laughter. Her teeth were showing and her happiness spread like a warmth around the whole room. Her soggy appearance and wet clothes didn't seem to bother her – I couldn't imagine anything bothering her, to be honest.

         Suddenly, she was looking my way, her hand outstretched. I cleared my throat and placed my hand in hers, trying to ignore how soft and warm they were. Shivers travelled up my arm and she pulled away, her eyes lingering on mine a little longer. Had she felt it too?

         "Come on, let's sit," Ethan said, ushering us into the booth.

         I slid in first, taking my previous seat. I felt Ethan slide in beside me, but I was more aware of the brunette sliding in before me, her bare knees tickling mine underneath the table. Why was I suddenly so nervous?

         "...right, Y/N?"

         I realised Ethan was speaking to me again and tuned back into reality. When I met his gaze, he was watching me with concern.

         "Hm?"

         He licked his lips and asked, "You okay? You keep zoning out."

         I waved dismissively. "Yeah, just thinking, sorry."

         He nodded, though I could tell he wasn't convinced. It didn't bother me though because I was suddenly hyperaware of Alycia's and Levi's eyes on me.

         "I'll get you a hot chocolate, yeah?" he asked, probably having repeated himself.

         I nodded and turned to reach for my purse, but he simply shook his head and laughed.

         "I'm paying for my girlfriend, Y/N," he said, not leaving me chance to argue, as he stood up. He looked to Levi, who was also stood up, and said, "Come on."

         I watched as Levi leaned down to plant a soft kiss on Alycia's cheek, flinching when his lips made contact. He seemed to be going for her lips, but she turned at the last second. Levi thought nothing of it and both him and Ethan joined the queue to buy our drinks.

         I looked back to Alycia, who seemed nervous, but still smiling. I returned an awkward smile and wondered where to start.

         "So you're Australian, hm? That's cool."

         I wanted to facepalm at how ridiculous I sounded. Of course she was Australian! Ethan already told me that and she literally had an accent! What was I thinking?

         Alycia suppressed the urge to laugh as she nodded. "Yes, I am. From Sydney actually."

         "That's really cool."

         Her eyes flickered to the table as she smiled. "Yeah, you already said that."

         I felt my cheeks grow warm as I also looked down at the table. "Right..."

         It was quiet between us for a moment and I was unprepared for the somersaults in my stomach and the bundle of nerves eating away at me. What was happening to me?

         "So how long have you and Ethan been together?"

         I looked up and saw her sitting up straighter, a newfound confidence having taken over.

         "Erm, well, about a year," I answered, suddenly feeling weird about talking about Ethan. "What about you and Levi?"

         Alycia pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "Same. We met when he moved to Australia temporarily for work. I found a job opportunity here and so did he, so we decided to move together."

         I nodded, leaning forward with interest. "What is it that you do?"

         A toothless smile appeared on her lips. "I'm a drama teacher... how about you?"

         "Wow, that sounds pretty fun," I said, before chuckling. "My job sounds kinda sucky now." She laughed and my stomach flipped at the sound. "I work for a marketing company."

         "Ah, that's not that sucky!" she tried to reassure, and I could only find it in myself to laugh at how cute she sounded. "I'm sure it's fun."

         I shrugged. "Sometimes. Maybe. Kind of... Not really."

         She laughed again and I smiled at the sound. I wanted to make her laugh all the time – that sound was intoxicating.

         "Honestly speaking," she said once she'd finished laughing, "I wasn't too keen on coming today."

         I raised an eyebrow, suddenly intrigued. "Oh?"

         She shrugged and smiled. "I don't know... Levi had been talking about meeting Ethan for weeks now. He even mentioned you a few times, but I just wasn't feeling it. Of course I didn't tell him that... I wasn't sure what I'd find."

         "What do you mean?" I asked, furrowing my brows, not looking away from her.

         She leaned back into her seat. "I don't know. I guess, well, I don't know anybody here in L.A. so I was mostly distracted by the idea of fitting in somewhere new. What I would find here."

         I nodded to show I was listening. Her voice was soft and it carried beautifully against the pitter-patter of the rain on the window.

         "I'm glad I did come though," she said, giving me a pointed look with her bright emeralds. "You seem interesting. I'm looking forward to getting to know you."

         A smile formed on my lips. "And I you, Alycia."

         The meet up wasn't something I had particularly been looking forward to, but later that afternoon, when Ethan was dropping me off to my flat, I was glad to have gone. Something about meeting the green-eyed girl sent butterflies in my stomach.

         "I appreciate you coming to meet Levi and his girlfriend, Y/N," Ethan thanked me as I grabbed some water from the fridge. "It means a lot."

         I cracked a smile as I settled on the stool before him. "Of course."

         He suddenly smiled enthusiastically. "What did you think of Alycia? I figured you guys would get on and it seemed so."

         A warm feeling spread throughout me and I couldn't help but smile for real at the thought of Alycia.

         "She's really nice," I said, looking down to my bottle. "A great person."

         "Yeah," he agreed. "She doesn't have many friends since she's just moved here and all. Levi and I thought it'd be nice of you both to meet. Did you get her number?"

         I nodded, remembering the exchange of numbers we had during our chat. It had happened so smoothly, not like a crinkle in conversation. I couldn't wait to text to her.

         "Cool, cool... well, thanks again..." He cleared his throat and stood up, rounding the island to stand close to me. "You sure you don't wanna spend the night at mine? We could have some fun..." He smirked playfully as he wrapped his arms around my waist.

         I smiled, though the thought of being intimate with Ethan made my head hurt. It had been a month – probably a little less, since we'd been intimate. I couldn't keep this up anymore though, I knew I'd have to break it off soon. But how? Maybe it was just a temporary thing. Maybe I'd fall back in love.

         "I'm kinda tired actually," I half-lied, pulling away from his arms and offering an apologetic smile. "Maybe next time, yeah?"

         He nodded and I could see him rolling his shoulders back, trying not to let my comment offend him.

         "Of course. You should get some rest. If you need anything, just call. Yeah?"

         I nodded and smiled as I kissed his cheek softly. "I'll talk later, Ethan."

         He nodded and offered a small smile before leaving. Only when I heard the door shut did I release a deep breath. One hand grasping the island, the other massaging my temple, I closed my eyes. I couldn't keep lying like this. It was wrong.

         I opened my eyes when I heard the text tone on my phone go off. I reached for it from the counter and saw my screen lit up with a text message. From Alycia.

         Alycia: Hey, how does lunch sound tomorrow? :)

         I didn't have time to register how I felt because my phone vibrated as another text came through.

         Alycia: Unless you're busy, which is totally cool. It's pretty soon of me to text isn't? We literally just met

         I stifled a smile as I opened up the conversation. Going to lunch with her didn't sound terrible at all. My phone vibrated again.

         Alycia: I just thought we could talk more, without the guys, but it's cool if you don't wanna

         To save her from overthinking, I typed back a response, unable to stop the grin on my lips.

         Me: I would love to, Alycia. I know this great café nearby! I'll text you tomorrow with the details?

         She replied instantly.

         Alycia: Oh, awesome! I guess I'll see you tomorrow :)

         Hanging out with Alycia started to become a frequent thing as time passed. I helped her settle in to her new flat (which she shared with Levi...) and showed her around all the local hotspots – so pretty much the nearest Target and McDonald's. We did become pretty good friends, but that overwhelming boat of feelings would just hit me whenever she did something cute or touched me platonically.

         I was pretty sure I was falling in love with her, and I wasn't sure how to feel about that. How could I be falling for someone so quickly when I was in a relationship? A relationship with a guy who I couldn't fall in love with? I tried to convince myself that these feelings would pass and possibly extend to Ethan rather than Alycia, but I was kidding myself.

         And I was sure she felt the same. She just had to be. Unless I was imagining those longing stared she'd send my way, or the extra mile she went just to be close to me. It was terrible for us to be like this when we were both in relationships. But I couldn't help but think that it was supposed to be like this.

         It never really came to light until one afternoon. Alycia and I had gone out to watch a film and she had dropped me off home, following me inside because she needed to use the bathroom.

         "I did ask if you needed to go when the film ended," I teased, pulling my keys from my bag.

         She rolled her eyes playfully. "I didn't need it then!"

         I laughed and she joined in, sending a whirl of my butterflies in my stomach. We neared my flat when I saw a woman knocking on my door.

         "Mum?"

         The woman turned and it proved to be my mother when she smiled my way. "Y/N!"

         I smiled in surprise as I pulled her in for a quick hug. "How long have you been waiting here for?"

         She waved her hand dismissively. "Not long, don't worry."

         I nodded and realised that Alycia was just standing behind me, an awkward smile on her lips.

         "Uh, Alycia, this is my mum, Y/M/N," I introduced, before looking to my mum. "Mum, this is Alycia, my friend."

         "Hello, darling," my mum greeted, pulling her in for a surprise hug.

         I stifled a laugh as I saw how taken aback Alycia was. She glared at me playfully before the two separated.

         "Let's get inside," I mumbled, going to open my door.

         "It's lovely to meet you, Mrs. Y/L/N," I heard Alycia say from behind me. I opened the door and the three of us walked in.

         "You're not from here," my mum commented vaguely, making me laugh because she was always so dozy with obvious things.

         "What gave that away, mum, the accent?" I asked sarcastically. I approached the two at the kitchen island, watching as my mum went pink with slight embarrassment.

         "Oh, be quiet you," she said, feigning annoyance, before looking to Alycia with a smile.

         I kept my eyes on Alycia as she watched my mum with concentration, a polite smile on her lips. God, she was so beautiful. She was wearing her glasses today and she looked so good in them.

         "What I meant to say is where are you from?" my mum amended her comment.

         Alycia chuckled. "Australia, and I don't mean to be rude, but I really need to use the bathroom." She glanced at me and I laughed when I realised that was the point in her coming in.

         "Oh, sorry, darling, go on!" my mum exclaimed, making Alycia smile appreciatively before leaving for the bathroom. She sent me an embarrassed smile, to which I laughed at, before leaving the kitchen.

         "She's a lovely girl," my mum said as I took a seat at the island. "When did you guys meet?"

         I chewed on my lip as I tried to remember how long it had been. "Give or take a few months."

         My mum nodded, helping herself to some water from the fridge. "So are you still with Ethan?"

         I nodded, though an emptiness came over me as he was mentioned. "Yeah, why d'you ask?"

         She shrugged as she settled by the counter, her bottle in hand. "I just haven't seen him in a while, I thought you guys may have broken up. There's also the fact that you've been giving heart eyes to Alycia."

         My eyes widened and I looked around, hoping Alycia wasn't out just yet.

         "Mum! Firstly, Alycia might hear you so be quieter!" I whisper-shouted urgently. "Also, did you just say heart eyes?"

         My mum laughed as if I'd said the funniest thing ever. "Look, all I'm saying is it seems to me that you like this girl. And if you choose to go forward with that, that's fine, but do right by Ethan."

         "Mum, that's not how it is," I tried to argue, but even I didn't believe me. "We're just friends and–"

         I instantly went quiet when I heard the sound of the bathroom door closing. Alycia walked back into the kitchen and a confused smile fell on her lips as she realised it was quiet.

         "Sorry, did I interrupt something?" she asked and giggled adorably.

         "Er, no," I lied, plastering a smile on my face. "Just catching up."

         She nodded and approached my mum. "Well, unfortunately I should get going, but it was a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Y/L/N."

         "Call me Y/M/N, please," my mum said, and nodded before pulling Alycia in for another hug. "It was lovely to meet you, too. Hopefully I'll see you soon!"

         Alycia smiled with confusion and cocked her head to the side. I internally facepalmed and my mum merely chuckled.

         "Today was really fun," Alycia said, her voice quieter as she came towards me. A beautiful smile graced her lips as she pulled me in for a hug. I couldn't help but smile as my arms wrapped around her slender waist. I tried to ignore the suggestive eyebrows my mum was raising from behind.

         "Yeah, it was," I agreed, pulling away, our hands trailing down each other's forearms and fingertips touching. Her eyes met mine and I found it difficult to breathe because of how bright and enticing they were.

         "I'll talk to you later," she muttered, smiling toothlessly before letting go and leaving out the front door.

         I breathed out slowly, still unable to shake that rush she gave me whenever she was close to me. I'd almost forgotten my mum was there until she laughed from her side.

         "Gosh, you're in trouble," she commented, and I couldn't help but think, maybe she was right.

         The visit from my mum really brought attention to how intense my feelings for Alycia were. And her comment, do right by Ethan... she was absolutely right. I couldn't be with him when I felt something for someone else.

         What really pushed me to plan the perfect time to break up with him was when I was going to visit Ethan at work to drop off some lunch. He was in his office and his assistant let me right up since she knew who I was. I was about to knock on, but I could hear his conversation through the door and my nosy side came out.

         "I just don't think Alycia likes me like that anymore." It was Levi. Why was he here?

         "C'mon, man, I doubt that," Ethan replied, trying to reassure his friend.

         "No, I'm serious," Levi said, sounding upset. "She's just– she doesn't like me like that anymore. I can feel it. We haven't even had sex in what, two months? Two months, Ethan! Is that even normal?"

         I chewed on my lower lip as I listened in. God, it was so wrong of me to be happy about that, but it also made me feel relieved. She didn't like Levi? Maybe there was a chance?

         No. That wasn't right of me to think. But I knew that thought was hanging around...

         "Dude, listen," Ethan settled, and I could hear him sighing. "Y/N and I haven't exactly been doing so well in that department either..."

         I frowned at how sad he sounded. I was leading him on and I knew it, and just hearing how fed up he sounded made me feel immensely guilty. I promised myself that I would break up with him this week. Anytime, soon, this week. I had to.

         I knocked on the door before opening it slightly, a small smile on my lips. "Anyone hungry?"

***

         I knew exactly what I was going to say to Ethan, but I also knew that in that moment, I'd forget everything I'd rehearsed. Knowing I could make it sound horrible was worrying me, so I decided to get my mind off things. Alycia had asked me to go shopping with her the following day, so that's where I found myself.

         "Trying on the clothes is by far the best part of shopping," Alycia said, a grin on her lips.

         I laughed at how cute she was, feeling those familiar butterflies. We were going to the changing rooms and she was more excited than one would usually be to try on clothes.

         "Yeah, yeah, loser, just go on," I said, giving her a teasing smile.

         She chuckled and got in the changing room, waiting by the curtain. I got in the one opposite her, turning to shut my curtain. She grinned again before pulling her curtain closed. I rolled my eyes playfully and shut my own. This was proving to be a wonderful distraction from my own problems.

         "Ooh, you were right about that top, Y/N!" I heard Alycia say excitedly from her side. "Look!"

         I opened my curtain as she did and smiled impressively. "I have pretty good taste if I do say so myself," I joked, which made her roll her eyes playfully. "Honestly though, you look really good."

         She bit her lip to contain her smile. "Thank you. Now try on those shorts I chose for you!"

         I laughed and closed my curtain, doing as she said. I looked in the mirror, nodding with agreement, before calling for Alycia. We were lucky the changing rooms were empty otherwise I could only imagine the complaints we would get from other customers.

         "Yes! I love those and you look so good in them," she complimented, her eyes looking me up and down. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't blushing at her stare.

         "Thanks," I said awkwardly, before closing my curtain. God, why did she always have this effect on me?

         "I'm not too sure about this one, Y/N, what do you think?" she called after a few more outfit changes.

         I opened my curtain as she did and had to refrain from physically dropping my jaw. She was wearing a black dress that managed to hug her curves in all the right place. She was absolutely stunning and I swear my heart was beating out of my chest.

         "Y-you look really good," I got out, unable to meet her eyes. "Um, you should get it..."

         She pursed her lips and looked in the mirror beside her. "I don't know... do you think?"

         I breathed out slowly before nodding. I finally looked up to her. "Totally, Alycia, would I lie?"

         She looked back to me and raised an eyebrow playfully. "I don't know, would you?"

         I smiled at her expression. "No, I wouldn't. You should buy it, seriously."

         She nodded, a toothy smile on her face. "Okay, I'll get it. But only because you said so."

         I stifled a laugh as she stared longingly my way. I licked my lips and quickly shut the curtain, trying to get her haunting green eyes out of my head.

         I got out of the clothes I was going to buy and back into my own when I called for Alycia. "You ready?"

         "Uhhh..."

         I quirked an eyebrow and pulled open my curtain, seeing hers was still closed.

         "You okay in there, Leashy?" I asked, suppressing a smile.

         I heard her chuckle nervously. "Kinda... I may or may not need your help to get out of this dress."

         I shook my head with amusement and slipped in through her curtain. She had the dress pulled up to her waist and I couldn't help but laugh at her troubled expression.

         "As you can see, my hair is caught in the zipper," she pointed out, giving me a knowing look.

         I moved forward and motioned for her to turn around. "It would've helped if you fastened it first, wouldn't it?"

         "Indeed, it would have," she agreed, making me smile.

         I gently pulled her hair from her zipper and she held it up and out of the way as I moved to pull the dress over her head. It came off with ease and she turned around, smiling cheekily and avoiding my eyes.

         "Wasn't so hard, was it?" I asked, a teasing smile on my lips.

         She sighed over-dramatically, making me laugh, and hung up the dress. The short silence of her response made me realise that she was stood there in her bra and jeans and I could feel my cheeks grow warm at the sight. I averted my gaze, but I wasn't sure where else to look.

         "Thanks," she finally spoke, grabbing her shirt from the peg and holding it in her hands.

         I finally met her eyes, about to dismiss myself and give her some privacy, but I felt stuck in place as her gaze peered right through me. Her eyes flickered from my eyes to my lips, half-lidded as she moved closer. I should have moved, knowing what was about to come. I knew it was wrong. But she was like a magnet, attracting me closer and closer and closer, until...

         Her lips pressed against mine hastily, yet softly. She dropped her shirt and rested a hand on my waist, pushing me back against the mirror, the other hand resting on my cheek. I closed my eyes and moved my lips in sync with hers, appreciating how gentle yet desperate her lips were. She was warm, careful, comfortable. Her body fit perfectly against mine and it sent the butterflies raging in my stomach. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't imagined what it would be like to kiss her. This was perfect, everything I thought it to be.

         And that's when I realised how wrong this was.

         I pushed her back reluctantly, opening my eyes, only to be submerged in her pools of green. We were both breathing heavily, trying to catch back our breath from that insane kiss. Woah.

         "I'm sorry," she said, letting go of me and stepping back. Realisation dawned on her. "God..."

         "Alycia–"

         She shook her head, holding her hand up as she tried to catch her thoughts. She bent down to pick up her shirt and pursed her lips.

         "We should get ready," she said, and turned around, making her perspective clear.

         I frowned guiltily and left her changing room, going to my own. I couldn't get the image of her being that close to me, the smell of her perfume in my nose, the touch of her delicate lips against mine, out of my head as we got ready and paid for our items. Today was supposed to get my mind off things, but it only made me realise how much I cared for Alycia.

         When we left the store, she suddenly spoke, the first since we'd left the changing rooms.

         "I just remembered, I have some things to do back home..."

         I could see that she was lying, only trying to back away and leave.

         "I can give you a ride," I tried, stepping forward, but she only stepped back.

         She visibly swallowed and avoided looking my way. "I'll be fine. I don't wanna stop you from shopping. See you, Y/N."

         I sighed as I watched her speed-walk away from me. God, why did things have to be so confusing?

         I ended up heading straight home after that, my brain having been fried from all the confusion. Ethan called me on my way back, which was the last thing I needed, but I answered anyway.

         "Hey, babe," his voice echoed into my car.

         I released a deep breath before saying, "Hey, Ethan. What's up?"

         "Just wanted to see how shopping with Alycia was!" he said, only reminding me of the pile of things I had to sort through mentally. "Levi told me you guys had a girl's day out! Is she with you?"

         "No, she's back at home now. But yeah, it was good," I lied, feeling even more guilty. How many lies had I told him now? Too many to count, no doubt.

         "That's good," he said. "Well, anyway, I'm at yours, waiting for you. Thought we could hang out this evening?"

         I just wanted to be alone, but I couldn't exactly say that, so I sighed. "Okay, Ethan, I'll see you in ten minutes."

         He seemed excited, which only pressed the guilt I felt because I knew I needed to break up with him. "Awesome! See you, babe."

         I said my goodbyes and groaned as I drove home in silence, thinking about how I was going to deal with everything.

         When I headed through my front door, Ethan was there instantly, taking bags from my hands and setting them down. He pulled me in for a hug and I noticed how hard and uncomfortable it seemed compared to Alycia's smaller frame.

         "I missed you," he said, leaning down to kiss my cheek. He stayed there, sniffing the air. "Is that a new perfume?"

         I widened my eyes when he pulled back. Crap, was that Alycia's?

         "Levi picked something similar for Alycia not long ago," he said dismissively, oblivious to my panic. "If you like it, I can get you it."

         I scratched my head awkwardly. "Erm, yeah, Alycia was showing it me today when we were shopping. I wasn't really fond of it though."

         Ethan shrugged. "Eh, fair point."

         I was grateful for how oblivious he was, but it also made me realise how much of a cheater I was. God, I was the worst. I needed to end this. But first, I needed to fix things with Alycia. She was plaguing my thoughts and I had to see how she felt about me. That was eating away at me as much as this whole breakup thing was.

***

         I found myself knocking on Alycia's flat door a week later. I knew Levi was hanging out with Ethan so this was my opportunity to fix things between us. She'd been avoiding my calls and texts all week and I couldn't stop thinking about her and the moment we shared. I needed to talk to her.

         She didn't answer straight away, but I could hear her on the other side of the door. She was probably looking through the peep hole, debating whether or not to let me in. I only hoped she would.

         After what felt like forever, the door finally opened and I was met with Alycia's glowing eyes.

         "Hey," she got out, her eyes suddenly darting to the floor nervously.

         I felt butterflies in my stomach at her presence. Still, I was unable to contain my feelings.

         "Hey," I greeted in return, my voice cracking nervously. I cleared my throat and continued, "Um, I haven't been able to reach you lately."

         Alycia visibly gulped and nodded her head, still not meeting my eyes. "Yeah, sorry about that, I was busy..."

         I could see she was lying, but nonetheless, I nodded. "Erm, it's okay, but I was hoping we could talk some things out. About, well, y'know..."

         She breathed in deeply and nodded before stepping to the side to let me in. I walked in and noticed how she still wouldn't look at me. I felt shivers on my arm as I walked past her, catching a whiff of her perfume – the one she wore the day we kissed.

         "Would you like anything to drink? Eat?" she asked politely as I sat on the couch.

         "No, Alycia," I said, staring at her. I knew she was stalling.

         She merely nodded and took a seat on the couch, but left a large gap between us. I understood why she was acting like this, but I wasn't sure what it meant. Did she think our kiss was a mistake?

         "Look, I'm going to get right to it," I began, growing uncomfortable at her lack of attention. "I think you like me as more than a friend."

         This caught her attention and she suddenly looked up, her green emeralds widening ever so slightly.

         "And I like you too," I added, softly.

         Alycia's eyes darted around the room hurriedly, as if she was trying to collect her thoughts. "Y/N, this can't... we can't... this is wrong."

         I frowned slightly. "I know. We shouldn't have done that to Ethan and Levi. But that's a separate problem for the moment. I need to know how you feel."

         Alycia's eyes met mine and she shook her head. "Y/N, I shouldn't have kissed you, okay? I shouldn't have done that to Will. I– I cheated."

         She looked down to her hands, and I saw how terrible she looked. She felt guilty for what happened and I didn't blame her, because I felt it, too.

         "You like me and I like you," I stated. "I feel like something was always supposed to happen between us. Don't you?"

         She pursed her lips, her eyes flickering to mine momentarily. They were agreeing with me, even if she verbally wasn't.

         "I've been thinking about breaking up with Ethan for a long time now," I told her honestly. "Since before I met you, Alycia. It just wasn't working out. And I know things haven't been the best between you and Levi. And I guess I'm just thinking, what if we ended up with the wrong people?"

         She ran her hands though her hair and sighed quietly. "I can't just break up with him, Y/N. It's not that easy. I share this flat with him to start with. Things will be messy and I can't just leave him because I might love someone else. It's not fair to him."

         Despite her obvious hurting, I couldn't stop myself from smiling slightly. She said she might have loved me and it made my stomach flip upside down.

         "You might love me?"

         She tensed up when she realised her slip up, but said nothing.

         "You can't stay with someone to keep them happy when you aren't happy yourself," I said, not looking away for even a second. "It's not fair to either of you. And the flat shouldn't be an issue. You can stay with me until you find a new place. I can help you out, Alycia. And maybe we can sort things out between us on the way. What do you say?"

         She genuinely looked like she was debating my offer. Her eyes looked to mine and I finally felt like I could see how she felt for me. I wanted to be with her, and obviously I had to do the right thing and break things off with Ethan, but it would be worth it if I could finally be happy and have Alycia.

         "I can't do that to him, Y/N, I'm sorry," she finally spoke, and any hope I had died away. "We should just stay friends."

         I tilted my head to the side and looked away. Nodding, I bit my lip and thought things through. She had feelings for me but couldn't be with me. Alright, okay, I could deal with this. Right?  

         "Okay," I agreed, knowing I wanted her in my life as a friend rather than nothing at all. "As friends, can I stay here to hang out?"

         I glanced at her and she was chewing on her lower lip.

         "Yeah, sure," she agreed. "Only platonic feelings between us. Agreed?"

         I nodded and sat back in my seat, mumbling, "Okay, but it was you who kissed me."

         Her face grew warm as an embarrassed smile fell upon her lips. Sinking in the couch beside me, she grabbed the TV remote and turned on the TV.

         I stayed and the two of us watched a film together. I wasn't even sure what we were watching because Alycia's presence was too distracting. I caught myself staring at her, too enthralled with how beautiful she looked. She was dressed so simply, her hair in a loose bun and no makeup on, yet she managed to take my breath away.

         Not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable however, I tried to concentrate on the film, whatever it was. But suddenly, Alycia sighed loudly.

         "Y/N, when did this happen?" she asked, and I looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

         "What are you talking about?"

         She gave me a knowing look and glanced down at our apparent intertwined hands. Hm, when did that happen? I didn't recall grabbing her hand in the first place. The feeling of it in mine felt so perfect it made no difference.

         "Really? Because I can remember agreeing that this would be platonic yet–"

         I couldn't stop myself and before I knew it, I had leaned forward and pressed my lips against hers. She went quiet and instantly moved forward, her lips moving against mine. The kiss was sensational and I felt shivers down my spine as she rested a hand on my cheek and her other hand on my thigh. We pulled away for a quick breath but I moved forward and caught her lips in mine again, unable to be away from her for a second longer. She was addicting and warm and everything like the other day, except this was kiss was less rushed and more meaningful.

         This time, it was me who pulled away, but I kept ahold of her jaw, not moving away from her fully.

         "I'm sorry..," I breathed out. "I know we agreed to be friends, literally half an hour ago, but I couldn't help it."

         I watched as Alycia clenched her jaw slightly, it tensing under my hand. She pursed her lips and glanced down, before moving back and making me drop my hand to my side.

         "I... I want to be with you."

         My heart raced faster as she looked up and met my eyes with confident ones. She said the words I so desperately needed to hear.

         "Then let's do this," I spoke, smiling a little. I took a leap of faith and reached out for her hand. She let me. "We can do what's right. Break up with Ethan and Levi. Then let's do this for real, Alycia."

         She seemed uncertain as she looked down at our intertwined hands.

         "Okay," she agreed, and I didn't expect it, so it almost went right over me.

         "Yeah?"

         She nodded, looking up again. "Yeah."

         I breathed out with relief, a lovesick smile on my lips. "Yeah."

         "We'll do the right thing as soon as possible," she said, a serious tone suddenly taking over her voice. "It's what's fair on the boys."

         "Agreed." I nodded, knowing she was right.

         "But for now..."

         I furrowed my brows, wondering what else needed to be done, but that confusion was short-lived as she moved forward and captured my lips in hers, stirring the butterflies in my stomach for the third time in a kiss now.

         Her lips were addictive, I knew that much, and as she kissed me there and then, I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming amount of happiness.

         Maybe, just maybe, Cupid shot his arrows the wrong way.

[senior-sem-thesis-draft]

On April 14, 2020, I wrote:

i hate reality which is why i do drugs lol

Back then, and for most of my life, the reality I inhabited was not pleasant. It was no wonder I wanted to escape from it so frequently with such drastic methods.

My reality was generated by the framework of my mental state- I was fully immersed in the toxic narrative of my traumatized ego and I held everything it told me as the absolute truth. If I thought I was ugly, my face and body appeared grotesque. If I thought my teacher was singling me out for punishment, I was being unjustly targeted. If I thought my friends were mad at me, nobody liked or cared about me. And so on- my experiences were constructed from my unerringly critical and pessimistic worldview.

Since I was younger, I’d always been fascinated with states of altered consciousness. But I didn’t really get into doing drugs until my forced leave of absence in 2017 after I tried to kill myself and ended up in the ICU. During my leave, I didn’t have the structure of school to keep me busy, so I turned to other things.

Substance use became a coping mechanism- a method of indulging escapism- but also eventually, a tool for healing.

I would insufflate a stimulant to get something done. It made whatever activity I was doing more rewarding and engaging. Or I would ingest a dissociative and withdraw into the depths of my own dazed mind, leaving my physical body behind for up to a couple hours. I would smoke cigarettes and vape. I would use entheogens and psychedelics when attending EDM shows. I would pop pharmaceutical  benzodiazepines and opiates to cope with my perpetual state of anxiety and despair.

I grew to adore getting fucked up. I loved the precarious feeling of free-fall, the way my heart vibrated in my chest when I was on the cusp of being not okay. I wasn’t ever scared because I wanted to be dead, anyway. In those fleeting moments, I was able to let go of both my corporal form and thinking mind. I eagerly leaned into the overpowering sensations, which came naturally since I was always looking for a distraction from existing. I was truly free, if only temporarily. Once I came back down, I desperately wanted to lose control again.

I think I hit my rock bottom, or one of them, when a breakdown triggered me to take two bars of Xanax and finish the bottle of soju I had in the fridge. I don’t remember what set me off, but I was so incredibly upset. I felt completely hollow yet brimming with guilt, rage, and shame. Even with the high dose of sedatives, I couldn’t stop myself from smashing the bottle on a table. My former partner came over to clean up the broken glass everywhere. Then, I would’ve called it pathetic, but I now feel overwhelming compassion for my past self- she was going through so much. I understand intimately how distressed she was and how she was incapable of coping with her illness in a healthy way.

But it wasn’t just the intense highs I chased. I smoked daily, multiple times a day, during more than a few periods of my life. It was such a quick, effortless, and reliable fix- it would unfailingly make me feel better when I was sad, which was very often. Because I was always able to distract myself with weed, I never felt the need to address the root cause of my negative emotions.

I was somewhat aware that it was an issue, but I would rationalize my use because I was still functional and getting good grades. In fact, I would smoke before doing schoolwork when I was upset, because the subsequent mood boost was enough to get me out of bed and to my desk. But frequent use resulted in unavoidable consequences.

I lost my ambition and drive, since all I wanted to do was go back home and smoke. I put in the bare minimum to ace my classes. I grew comfortable in my painful reality and accepted my profoundly depressing life as it was. I constantly overate, overslept, and woke up feeling groggy and numb. I cherished the social aspect of weed, but in hindsight I was always awkward and never fully present. I became more forgetful, and my ability to focus waned. Eventually it grew to amplify my fear of abandonment, causing more conflict in my interpersonal relationships. Even my physical injuries started hurting more when I was high.

Despite all this, I didn’t stop. It was just too comforting and easy.

There were other aspects of substances that became meaningful to me. At some point, it developed into more than a way to distract myself. As a naturally curious person, I became enthralled with pharmacological pathways, harm reduction, and purity-testing reagents. I became friends with other drug lovers. I grew to appreciate the ritual of it all.

Most importantly, I started respecting psychedelics and intentionally using them to change my mindset and heal from my traumas. Thanks to the lessons I learned from them, I was able to rely less and less on substances to numb my feelings and escape reality. Psychedelics initiated my shift from trauma conditioning, survival mode, and self-sabotage to becoming consciously aware of patterns and developing the ability to non-judgmentally respond to thoughts, emotions, and situations.

I was forced to stop smoking when I came to Korea last year because it’s illegal there. The cloudiness of my mind gradually dissipated, and my attention span returned- I didn’t have to rely on stims during time crunches in the semester anymore.

I quit my very frequent nicotine use because it is shown to inhibit wound healing. (My knees, wrist, back, etc. were all injured from lifting.) Surprisingly, quitting was not that hard once I began to actively value my body and prioritize healing my injuries instead of chasing the buzz I barely even felt anymore. One day, I just put my vape down and never picked it up again. I decided to cut alcohol from my life- I was never a fan.

Now, I have a much healthier relationship with substances. I don't compulsively smoke weed or do any other drugs to numb my feelings anymore. After addressing the root cause of my addictions, I am able to enjoy drugs rather than depending on them to escape a painful reality.

[emperornune]

Acceptance is the Key past all pain.

~ Gateway of Acceptance ~

"Accepting each moment as it is, is perhaps the most direct gateway to inner peace."  ~Eckhart Tolle

When something I wanted dearly and invested great effort into appears to be leaving my field of experience I first experienced deep pain at the thought.  But then after enduring my self suffering for what I deemed long enough I made a decision to accept the letting go.  See, I'm not letting this endeavor go, it's just naturally appropriate for it to be abandoned at this time.  So I can now accept it's letting go, whereas before I was not accepting it and I experienced nothing but fear, pain and loss. 

I could have taken a clear look at the situation as soon as it's place in my life came into question.  I could have sat with the facts of my life situation and honestly appraised my feelings on the matter and what assessment for going forward came out of that listening to what is.  Instead I dug in my heals and resisted even the idea of contemplating any concepts which might result in the abandoning of my cherished endeavor.  Thankfully this only lasted a few weeks until I realized that I needed to act on the crossroads that was appearing before me.

Now I accept that it's okay that I will not be continuing with this particular goal.  It is a worldly goal and thus is subject to change and dissolution.  I can not "have" anything that is of this world because it is all temporal and is thus not for anyone to have.  Borrow, lend, take care of for a time, but never have.  To have something is to say one is in ownership and ownership is meaningless if what is yours can be taken away.

It's time to change my mind about what there is in existence that I can have as opposed to what is merely passing through in form as it goes on to change into another form after that.  Being, Presence, awareness, contentment, stillness, receptivity, acceptance, flexibility, and patience.  These are things that I can have because these are things that are integral parts of my essential nature apart from an egoic centered paradigm of persisting in mental noise.

Living involves joy, peace, inner quiet, calm and consistency in how I bring myself fully into the Now.  Most of the rest of what we call life is just persisting, surviving and existing by way of the mind created self.  Being fully present in the Now is the core of what it is for me to know Who I Am and to be sure of my purpose in the Now as it is revealed to my consciousness from the depths of my Spirit Within.  Jesus said: "Seek you first the Kingdom of Heaven and all else will be added to you."

When I am centered in the Now and fully in touch with the Presence of Being then I have found the Kingdom of Heaven and the material side issues of the world will gradually develop in my life according to the Flow of Being and the material level of availability that these issues have in which to operate.  No guarantees one way or another.  Life simply is and though I know I make more constructive and intuitive decisions when anchored in the Now, it is not what I can accomplish materially that will provide me with the depth of meaning and purpose that I have been seeking my whole life.

It's a simple adjustment in perspective.  That is all it requires to open myself to the greater Beauty of my eternal Oneness Within that unites me with all life in existence.  A Course in Miracles says: "Choose once again."  And so each and every moment I have an opportunity to choose once again to awaken to my inner Being, It's Presence in everything I encounter and to accept the Now just as it is right now before I consider any other thing.

Once I have fully accepted the Now then I can allow right decisions to arise out of the Spirit of Life within me.  Christians would call this living by the guidance of the Holy Spirit.  A Course in Miracles similarly presents the Holy Spirit as that part of our own selves that represents our Truth in all it's totality and completeness.  So when this part of our selves speaks it will speak Truth always, but we almost can never hear it except when our minds are quiet and at peace.  Joining with the Now and experiencing the living pulse of Being on a continuous basis will bring our minds to a place where we can once again hear that "still small voice".

When I am most present with the Now, I do not hear any words coming in from some mystical voice, but I do sense what is the right action to take just for the moment.  Eckhart Tolle speaks of the balance we need between form and the formless while living in this world.  I pay close heed to his teachings on this subject because I am prone to extremes in either direction.  (Though Eckhart does admit that to be "lost" in the Now, swimming in Being, is not to be lost at all but rather is the relative nature of our true natural Selves.) 

Now having looked clearly and directly at my life situation I have determined that I do not at this present time have much available to me for material and worldly development.  Now that I am easing off of my melodramatic pain-body reaction to this I feel like I have options before me again.  Of course my egoic self has me running right back to those options and opportunities that it is familiar with.  Those things that will keep me temporarily distracted from the fact that I am not in touch with my essential Self and will ultimately leave me dissatisfied, unfulfilled and burdened with an even larger pain-body.

The pain-body is Eckhart Tolle's term for that aspect of ourselves that is all of the accumulated emotional and mental pain of the past, it's reaching out for resolution or avoiding further pain in the future and it's seemingly unpredictable spasms of suffering in reaction to things in the Now which we are refusing to accept and are thus relating to some past pain.  This gives the pain body a twisted sort of continuity in the timeline of our lives.  Our past hurts live on in memories and dictate how we approach the future as well as predicating the kinds of emotional pain-outbreaks we will have in the present as we dig into a solid state of resistance to what is.

So now I return to "Choose once again."  And being very conscious of my breathing patterns, bringing them into a natural rhythm of slow, calm, steady and constantly relaxed.  Through awareness of my breathing I can enter the Now through the Gateway of the Inner Body.  Also if I allow awareness of my breathing to supplant all thoughts and mental ruminations I can enter the Now through the Gateway of Silence.  And finally, if I simply embrace everything that enters my field of awareness as is, as my first internal motion, then I can begin the process of entering the Now through the Gateway of Acceptance.

I can see how acceptance leads to a very direct experience of peace by joining one's consciousness with the Now and the Presence of Being eternally expressing Itself in this one and only moment of time.  Time is a mental concept and consist of past, present and future; however, most of the time the mind spends it's time in the past and future completely avoiding the reality of the Now.  Time was designed by the mind to keep us out of the Now and thus apart from the one thing that will bring the ultimate fulfillment and spiritual salvation almost all of us hunger for deep down inside.

By practicing accepting what is in the Now right before us, the happenings and "Isness" of  the present moment, we can pull our attention away from lingering in the past and projecting into the future.  The more of the present moment that is mentally and emotionally allowed to be as it is regardless of the form it takes, the less fear there will be clouding the Now and driving us into the past and future.  The past and future are illusions and we cannot find ourselves there.  We can use past knowledge to address a situation in the present or to plan for an event in the future, but when you seek self-realization in your memories alone or in some future accomplishment then you are lost in the smoke and mirrors that make up time.

All of life occurs in the Now.  Does it not make sense then to embrace the space where all of life Is?  That space in which life exists is in that moment we call Now.  The best place to heal the pains of the past and dissolve any fear or anxiety for the future is in the present.  Accept what is here, Now.  Accept what you take for granted, the little things...tables, chairs, water, food, clothes.   Then open yourself to embracing those things that seem harder to the thought dominated mind to accept...ex lovers, poverty, physical or mental sickness, work, a broken down car, etc, etc.  Try looking at these difficult to accept things without mental comments, withhold judgment by simply NOT passing judgment.  Judgment is an active mental paradigm that requires you to purposely reject something for some self-defined reason that the egoic mind finds fully justifiable.  So if we are having a challenge with forgiving to remove a judgment then we can at least abstain from judging in the first place.  And if we have already applied a judgment to something that arises in the Now then we can simply refuse to accept our preexisting judgment as the correct and final interpretation of what we are experiencing right now.

I learned from someone who had been a student of A Course in Miracles for many years that abstaining from judging is a form of forgiveness.  This is so because when you do not label something or someone with a judgment whether we had one already or not then we free up a space in the Now to accept this something or someone just as they are RIGHT NOW.  Not as we knew it or them in the past or how we think we may be dealing with it or them in the future but just as they are right now.  And what a thing or a person is right now can be nothing other than Life, it's Truth and the Presence of Being.  That is what life is transcendentally comprised of with the integral essences of joy, peace, stillness and awareness or wakefulness.   The forms you see, the object's shape and condition, a persons demeanor, clothing or self-remembered past, all mean nothing.  They hold significance only to the ego.  It is the ego alone which cares how things or people physically appear, what they are acting like on the outside or what the ego remembers about the object or person from the past.  And as we covered before the past is an illusion that can only be experienced in the Now.

Let them be.  Let that old worn out chair be an object in the Now without a past to chain it to our pain and without a future that connects it to our fear and anxiety.  Let us see it as though we have laid eyes upon it for the very first time.  Do this for every thing and every one we encounter each and every moment in this eternal present moment and we WILL see things differently.  I know what this state is like.  Everyone and everything is free of my past pain and my future fears.  I have no anxiety or apprehension in facing what arises in my field of awareness.  I am accepting what is just as it is.  Then and only then, will right action arise from the Intelligence of Life within to lead us to do what each circumstance may be calling us to do.  No forced actions, no self-will run riot, no ego based life paradigm ruling our every move.

Acceptance can be very hard at times, especially when the pain-body has taken us over like a possessing spirit of pain.  This pain manifests as anger, fear, panic, jealousy, envy, feelings of loss, loneliness, abandonment, vindictiveness, and offense.  The key to acceptance when the pain-body is in charge of our psyche is to bring acceptance into whatever pain-body experience we are having at that moment.  Even if the experience is one of rabid resistance to the Now, we can tell ourselves that "okay, I'm resisting everything about the Now right now, but that's okay, it happens."   The pain-body feeds off of..., you guessed it, pain.  So telling ourselves that we are experiencing something negative and we are resisting what is AND that that is okay is the beginning of draining power out of the pain-body and indirectly leading us into a state of mind where acceptance is more readily possible then it was when the pain-body first took over.  Let the bad mood be what it is without trying to control, minimize or exaggerate it.  Neither add to nor take away from what is being experienced in the Now, let all things be as they are, even the unpleasant things.  In this way acceptance will eventually come to replace the reactivity of the pain-body with each situation that comes up of it's own accord.  There is no need to go seeking for past hurts to resolve them in all circumstances.  The best way to heal the past and purify the future is to meet every situation and circumstance in the present with a mind determined to accept things as they are. 

Being the only place you can heal, the Now will always present us with opportunities to become aware of the inner body and to notice the silence that frames the space in which all noise takes place.

These of course are the other two Gateways I spoke of in the beginning and I would enjoy writing about them when the time is right.

Till I write again I wish you all the best in awakening to the Truth of Who You Are in the fullness of Being forever Now.