#do i tell them i have pigs?? my current job doesnt know i have pigs

[errorid-mt7lt7k7unfr9ttfua5]

Sing is Capitalist Propaganda

//spoilers for Sing and Sing 2

//cw: suicide

im currently in the process of watching sing 2, and...

I have Some Thoughts

buster moon is a pathological liar, and despite how much he lies, he always get wants. He did it in the first movie, and hes doing it again.

in the first movie, he lies to his performers about the massive cash prize, and now, hes lying to a rich entertainment business CEO to produce a show that he doesnt have the rights to (i mean, copyright law is horseshit, but i digress)

i think it makes for an interesting character, but imo, the first movie portrayed it as a good thing? Rather than it being blind luck, it is played like a reward for him “Risking everything” to get what he wants (mostly fame) and i expect it to be no different in the sequel

Especially given the target audience of children, i feel that this plotline is instilling the capitalist myth that "iF yOu jUst wORk hArD enOugH yoUll bE RiCH! :)" (famous, in this case) if youve been on anticapitalist tumblr for long enough (or if youve worked basically any service job), you know that most people working lower paying jobs (field work, service, etc.) work Way More than anyone in an office job, or even a CEO, yet, they are paid not even enough to live independently* and literally no amount of hard work in that situation is going to get you rich** Plotlines like these are just being spit out by the propaganda machine, whether intentional or not on the part of the creators. This is why Everyone needs to do the work to unlearn their biases, cause

* (i could barely afford to live in an apartment with 5 other people when I was working at a fast food place. I was constantly standing for 8 hour shifts, and i had to work multiple stations at once most of the time. They tried to make me a manager after four months of working there they had such bad staffing problems. The owner BEGGED the GM to stay, after she had put in her two weeks OVER A MONTH BEFORE. We werent even allowed to accept tips. Honestly, i should have started a union, but hindsight is 2020 i guess. I could have earned more if I worked more hours of got a second job, but im neurodivergent and disabled, so I physically cant work much more than 25hrs a week or i would want to kill myself (really embarrasing, since, yknow, ACAB, but i actually had to call the cops to drive me home one time because i was certain that if i drove home that night i would drive into oncoming traffic (speaking of pigs, they are literally useless and a threat even to me, a white person: they take like half an hour to show up even when you literally tell them that youre about to commit, and then when you ASK to be admitted to a psych ward, theyre like "umm, sorry, it would be kinda inconvenient for me to take you to the psych ward actually, so, can you just like, call youre friend and have them take you? :)))

**and dont you crypto bros/investors/landlords come into my comments or replies saying "oH! bUt iF yOu juSt InveSt iN (insert investment medium here) yOUll maKe PAssIve IncOmE!" that shit is exploitative and enviromently unfriendly af and isnt feasible for poor people, they cant afford to drop 100$+ into bitcoin or even more into a mining rig, they need that shit to pay for rent/groceries/gas/sitters/etc. even it it did work every time, theres no excuse, because it causes so much harm

*capitalists, pigs (cops), landlords, stock bois, crypto bros, and bootlickers dni*

[low-budget-mulan]

1-155

This is going to be long. So it’s going under.

1: Full name

Sara [REDACTED]2: Age

22 1/23: 3 Fears

Caterpillars, rolly pollies, idk?4: 3 things I love

my niece, my job, my friends5: 4 turns on

nice, caring, strong, able to cook6: 4 turns off

any of the guys I have been in relationships with lol7: My best friend

I have many. Brandon, kelsey, renee8: Sexual orientation

straight 9: My best first date

I mean. All my first dates were ok? Like the last 2 guys I dated I had a lot of fun. We ate and laughed and talked about memes. 10: How tall am I

5 ft 6 in11: What do I miss

My niece12: What time were I born

*was         idk like 2 pm?

13: Favourite color

purple14: Do I have a crush

nah fam. Aint nobody got time for dat 15: Favourite quote

”be not afraid” 16: Favourite place

Mammoth/june mountain, disneyland, yosemite17: Favourite food

My grandma’s cooking. Always. 18: Do I use sarcasm

Nooooo. Why would I do that (i was being sarcastic. And yes) 19: What am I listening to right now

Slime rancher home screen music 20: First thing I notice in new person

face21: Shoe size

1222: Eye color

brown23: Hair color

^24: Favourite style of clothing

hobo with a job 25: Ever done a prank call?

yes27: Meaning behind my URL

brandon insulted me. I agreed 

28: Favourite movie

Totoro, book of life, home, Christopher Robin29: Favourite song

idk??30: Favourite band

WAL31: How I feel right now

Sleepy after getting off a 38 hour shift32: Someone I love

My niece33: My current relationship status

Married to my job I guess. 34: My relationship with my parents

There is one at least35: Favourite holiday

CHRISTMAS36: Tattoos and piercing i have

Be not afraid on my arm. No piercings 37: Tattoos and piercing i want

Verso L’Alto, and some others38: The reason I joined Tumblr

neighbor made me one 

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

I don’t hate him. I am hurt. But he decided to not want to be friends at all. I would have still loved to be friends with him, even though we didn’t work out. 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

no41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

My cousin? no 

42: When did I last hold hands?

idk? many moons ago 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

depends if I shower. If I shower then 30 mins. If not then 10 

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?

No I don’t have to shave my legs. 45: Where am I right now?

in bed46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

My friend renee. But I have never been drunk before because I am not a lightweight and I also know how to say no. Why would I intentionally want to make myself sick. 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

depends where I am and how I am feeling 

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

yes, because I make minimum wage as a first responder and can’t afford to live on my own. 49: Am I excited for anything?

Not being on night shift anymore XD currently dying from it and need a break.

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

Brandito51: How often do I wear a fake smile?

Whenever a patient or random person starts creeping on me. 52: When was the last time I hugged someone?

I hugged My niece so many times today 53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

I would tell him to go away. But like that’s just because I am mad at him. He can kiss whoever he wants. I don’t care. I don’t own him. He is his own person. 54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

My friend Sam 55: What is something I disliked about today?

not sleeping all day 56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

idk?57: What do I think about most?

My niece and how much I miss her. and wanting to move out 58: What’s my strangest talent?

I don’t have any 59: Do I have any strange phobias?

caterpillars and rolly pollies 60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

behind 61: What was the last lie I told?

idk? Probably something I said to a patient? 62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

online63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

no64: Do I believe in magic?

no65: Do I believe in luck?

no66: What’s the weather like right now?

sunny 7767: What was the last book I’ve read?

Emerald Dodge’s battlecry Series. 68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

makes my physically sick69: Do I have any nicknames?

Low Budget Mulan, Sa’a, Scara, Hoe70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

uhhhhhh My back? and also my wrists and neck. But this is all from work and having to lift heavy patients. 71: Do I spend money or save it?

both. But I need to start saving more 

72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?

yea73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?

bubble gum tape 

74: Favourite animal?

idk75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

working.76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

doesnt have one 77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

idk78: How can you win my heart?

memes, food, money79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

”guess I’ll Die”80: What is my favorite word?

idk81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr

i don’t have any 82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

Ambulances are not a taxi service and your stubbed toes are not emergencies. Pay first responders more. 83: Do I have any relatives in jail?

not that I know of. 84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

super sarcasm probably? idk? flight? invisibility? super strength?85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

this one 86: What is my current desktop picture?

default picture87: Had sex?

no, just waffles88: Bought condoms?

no89: Gotten pregnant?

no90: Failed a class?

many91: Kissed a boy?

yes92: Kissed a girl?

no93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

cant remember94: Had job?

many95: Left the house without my wallet?

yep96: Bullied someone on the internet?

just my sister97: Had sex in public?

no, just waffles98: Played on a sports team?

yes99: Smoked weed?

no100: Did drugs?

crack is wack101: Smoked cigarettes?

ew no102: Drank alcohol?

heck yea103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

no I dont hate myself104: Been overweight?

yes105: Been underweight?

no106: Been to a wedding?

yes107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

yes108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

yes109: Been outside my home country?

yes110: Gotten my heart broken?

ye111: Been to a professional sports game?

I’ve worked them 112: Broken a bone?

yes113: Cut myself?

yes114: Been to prom?

no115: Been in airplane?

yes116: Fly by helicopter?

no117: What concerts have I been to?

Many118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

no119: Learned another language?

pig latin120: Wore make up?

ye121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

no122: Had oral sex?

ew no 123: Dyed my hair?

yes124: Voted in a presidential election?

yes125: Rode in an ambulance?

Bruh. I work in one. I drive that bitch126: Had a surgery?

yes127: Met someone famous?

Many famous sports people and some others 128: Stalked someone on a social network?

every day 129: Peed outside?

yes130: Been fishing?

yes131: Helped with charity?

yes132: Been rejected by a crush?

no because I never make the first move. And I never tell someone I like them unless they have said they liked me first 133: Broken a mirror?

lol ye134: What do I want for birthday?

money135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?

many. Idk?136: Was I named after anyone?

no137: Do I like my handwriting?

sometimes138: What was my favourite toy as a child?

furby and my doll139: Favourite Tv Show?

idk140: Where do I want to live when older?

yosemite, june mountain, mammoth, japan 141: Play any musical instrument?

no142: One of my scars, how did I get it?

on my hand, My mom poured hot caramel on me. 143: Favourite pizza toping?

pepperoni144: Am I afraid of the dark?

no145: Am I afraid of heights?

no146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

no 147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

My whole life148: What I’m really bad at

everything149: What my greatest achievments are

nothing150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

some stuff my mom has said 151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery

move out and buy a house and save the rest 152: What do I like about myself

nothing 153: My closest Tumblr friend

brandito and kelsey 154: Something I fantasise about

having a family 155: Any question you’d like?

rood 

[rhodesmystery]

natasha Facts™:

has subscriptions magazines, like trashy celebrity and fashion ones (witch weekly, spella weekly, the american charmer, the witch’s friend, spellbound, etc). has since she was in her early teens, keeps old editions.

endorses wonderwitch products hard. literally drops money backing it when she’s introduced to fred & george’s line. has three pygmy puffs, two pink, one purple, named kronos, atlas, and periwinkle.

her great-aunt vela urquhart played keeper for the holyhead harpies, and her uncle aquila plays chaser for the ballycastle bats. lots of her great-aunts/uncles and cousins are aurors, magical law enforcement or mediwizards, especially due to the war, having left previous careers that were also either to do with quidditch or breeding of magical creatures (notably for the urquhart family). there’s only one curse breaker in her family (great-uncle antares urquhart), one magizoologist (oriane selwyn (nee amell)) and one actress (phillipa graves (nee black)).

takes divination because she made a promise to her great-great grandmother, but she also gets a kick out of scaring trelawney with really great fake prophecies (especially when it means that class has to end early)

madam puddifoots tea shop is honestly one of the places she spends free weekends in hogsmeade at. you know when she’s in there because not many other dare to enter to find her.

may or may not have been involved in an incident where the previous slytherin captain fell off his broom at an early training, and natasha scooted on in as captain in her sixth year.

lyra, natasha’s mum and a number of her aunts and uncles and cousins were a part of the slug club, as was jacob. aquila, her mother’s brother thereby natasha’s uncle, didn’t quite get the ‘honour’

she’s a lot like her father, deep down. looks like him too, in the eyes.

her great uncle or cousin something removed or whatever, haytham black, married the infamous madame zabini. he died in ‘94 due to ‘natural causes’, which is considerably young for a wizard of his potential. no one could prove foul play. they had no children together, but the black family name in their line died with him. 

she’s a stupid dumbass, who climbed the astronomy tower from the outside on a dare. you could dare her to swim the length of the black lake probably, if weighed in enough, despite her fear of water and drowning.

this also means she plays guinea pig for penny a lot, because the girl would be like ‘hey look i made a perfect draught of living death but i need to test it’ and natasha would be like ‘oh that’s my job right’ and rowan would be like ‘NO’. also she plays guinea pig because she’s quite frankly a little terrified of penny

one time her and barnaby tried to find out if they cast aguamenti ‘hard’ enough, if they could propel themselves into the air with water. yep.

very good at carrying a haughty air of indifference and smarts, but the reality is that she’s a thrill seeker, and really doesn’t have a look before you leap sense. like preparation sessions for anything is more her being held by the collar of her shirt and being forced to listen. why people follow her leadership is beyond her.

was supposed to be a ravenclaw. like knows it. and sometimes (a lot of the time) catches herself staring at the towers, knowing she should be up there. choosing slytherin to follow jacob’s footsteps was not her brightest decision, and it kind of haunts her a bit.

in saying that, jacob was the pretty boy jock who was great friends with everyone and popular and smart and everything people aspired to be. until he wasn’t. natasha isn't sure if her memories are just trying to remind her of good times, or just messing up what she hears as gossip with the reality, but the whiplash of jacob before and after hurts her. especially since she was barely ten or eleven (math bad) when it all happened. gets to a point where she isn't sure if she wants him back.

lyra seals jacob’s room in the manor. magically very very locked. when natasha finishes at hogwarts, she finally manages to tear the door down.

gets very very good at sneaking around the castle. she can’t help it, gets like manic energy late, yknow? and what better to shake it off than a walk around a creepy old castle. means that she’s found a lot of places to hide, however.

like she’s honestly not That Bad at spell creation, but she’s pretty blasé about it. the only spells she's created, or helped create, were really just to make sure charlie didnt die in the forest lmfao (like ad meridiem is a lighting/waypoint spell, generally utilised on carvings, so he doesnt lose his way). has made up a few hexes here and there though. flitwick is disappointed in her for the attitude though, and she doesnt like disappointing flitwick. that said, she COULD tell him about her charms, but that would mean admitting she knows charlie goes into the forest still and no one wants that conversation

she botched up dying her hair one time but keeps it that really bad not quite a dip dye just to annoy her mother

can’t tell if she actually went into the room of requirement or just a very quiet classroom. and will probably never know.

lets out a low whistle when entering a room she hasn’t been in before

sleeps with the curtain pulled on the right side of her room, which is her right if she was laying on her back, and mimics it with the beds at hogwarts, because that’s how she used to sleep back home in america

picks up random objects with not always the intention of keeping them, but the few she has she keeps on her person (currently: two smooth rocks, worn down by her running her thumb over them in times of stress, a locket missing its chain, a tarnished ring, several pressed flowers and a collection of shells)

while she’s half blooded, through marriage, a number of her extended families are related to other muggle families, pureblood families, or half blooded families.

religiously tells her father’s muggle family she’s a wizard, and proves it by balancing spoons on her forehead, pulling birds out of thin air, or ‘reading their palms/minds’. they think it’s great party tricks with the polite laughter of high society, but really it freaks them out a bit when she stops playing dumb and says something legit. (but then lyra says ‘natasha helene rhodes!’ in that voice and the game is up)

she’s fucking awful at potions. like hands down terrible. penny is literally carrying her through the most part of her education.

her owl is called fox because she thinks she’s funny, and she has a snake called marquis de sade, the third. it ate the second. she rescues it from a shelter, simply on the basis that it was taken from the apartment of some old lady. no one had seen the woman in weeks, the apartment was empty, and only the snake remained. freaky™

legend has it that her great great grandfather, before being burnt of the family tree, raided the family vault at gringotts. while his family claimed he stole, he was still technically a legal part of the family at the time, so nothing could be done. that said, no one quite knows where he put the money. the manor natasha grew up on, named urquhart manor, is actually very far away from where the urquhart family put down roots, and is where a majority of her family lives, or had lived, in their lives. it apparently just appeared one day on the cliff, and that’s the end of that story.

before the legilimency thing was a thing in game, i actually wrote something regarding it. lyra had a knee-jerk reaction to the letters sent home about natasha’s adventures, and spent the summer before her fifth year training her in legilimency and occlumency, alongside other family members. natasha’s ‘natural legilimens’ status is a stretch, as with eye contract, she can get a general read on emotion, plus bits and pieces on a general population of wizard kind. a stronger read on those younger and unawares of the art of occlumency, of course. and then an even stronger cast, provided she uses her wand, that actually gives her the ability to read memories.

[wishingfornever]

10/9/17 – No Contact:  Dealership of Absence

Nothing is ever perfect.  If it were, then what would be the point?  There is a lot of charm in innocent mistakes.  If no one gets hurt, then why be bothered?

That said, I’m feeling… ambitious.  I’ve got so much I want to do.  I want to build, expand, exceed.  I… have not spent my time wisely.  It’s currently 3 in the morning. I’ve spent a lot of time I could have used writing on researching. I know what I want to right, inspired by what I’ve been learning from my witch friend.  With magic and what not. I didn’t want it to be a generic fantasy.  No.  This will be inspired on Song Dynasty China.  Basically China before the Mongols invaded.  There is a lot I can work with too.  I have so many ambitions that I maybe I over pace myself.  It’s alright.  I’ll find the time soon.  ;)

Still, there is a lot I can do and even more I can work with.  Like… near endless possibilities.  It’s like an all you can eat buffet but not shit.  You’re not pressured to eat as much as possible because of the fuck off prices and the food isn’t going bad in front of you. Rather, it’s more a matter of “If you want to try something new, go for it.  Maybe it’ll taste good too.”

Right now, I really should finish my first book before I get wrapped up in something else.  Otherwise, I won’t ever get the chance to write anything new.  It’s a simple concept.  I write so I can write some more.  How can I not get that? I have a lot of distractions.  Mostly industrious distractions but still distractions.

I need to apply for a job this week.  I need to go shopping today. What should I get?  Probably not much.  I’m excited, though.  I should go to bed.  Try to start my day early.  End it with a shower. Maybe get some sets in.  Have to let Adela know we need to go shopping.  Or at least I do.

I’m hopeful.  Anyways, I’m going to bed.  I’m in a good mood.  The worst part about being in a good mood?  

I always want to message you.  Ain’t that a bitch?

I dreamed about us again…  Christ.  This time we got an apartment and I applied for a job at a car dealership.  I got it too but I kept thinking it was going to end up just like the cemetery.  Maybe all my dreams had  you in it.  Maybe I’m just remembering them because I’m documenting them?

Whatever. -,-

I’m doing my sets and then Max and I are going for a jog.  I didn’t go out and job hunt like I intended, but there is plenty of time.  Adela was pretty busy today.  So… we’ll go grocery shopping later.  I wonder how healthy ketchup is…  Probably not that much.  But I need it for my eggs.  :c

Saw a thing that said “What happens when you go vegan or vegetarian!” and I was thinking, “Oh, some negative effects, surely!”  It began by saying how a lot of people have been going vegetarian and how it’s the most recent trend. Furthering the trend motive by saying how many people are jumping on board just because. Not so good.  I don’t like going with the crowd.  Thus, I expected some negative side effects. Nope! Each one was super positive.  Like, it just cemented why I shouldn’t switch back and I’m like, “D’oh...”  I had a dream about meat when I stopped eating it.  I miss my meat.  All over my mouth. Hashtag no homo. Regardless, this might be a lasting thing.  I’m not sure how long it’ll last.  Maybe not too long. Anyways, been watching gifs with sound.  Going to watch more of it during my sets and I’m going to get ready for my jog.  Currently 5pm.  Later.

Just finished the jog.  And, by proxy, my sets.  I come back, watch some gifs with sound as I catch my breath.  Just played a GIF that reminded me of you.  Oof.  x.x

Today has not been an easy day.  A lot is reminding me of you.  I want to message you.  Just to see how you’re doing but you won’t answer.  Even if you did, would it be honest?  Not calling you a liar… I just know you’d rather me not worry.  Even if you’ve stopped caring about me. I might message you sooner rather than later.  The wait is unbearable.

I miss you.  Maybe you miss me too.  Or maybe you’ve moved on.  I don’t know.  I guess I should try to plan out what our next conversation will go like.  Can’t account for what you say, but I can account for what I say.  I’m accountable only for my words. Stating the obvious like it’s nothing.

I’ll probably shop alone.  Not that Adela doesnt want to go but she’s had a long day.  Doctor’s appointment plus… barre.  Never written it out before.  Weird.  Regardless, I don’t like shopping alone.  I wonder what you’d suggest I get.  I don’t know.  I wish I did.  It’d be easier if you were just here. Oof, the level of missing you is hitting an all time high.  >< Whatever.  If I’m lucky, you’ll go shopping with me again.  Adela has a blender.  We could do those smoothies.  I need to pick up more avocados.  Definitely.  Maybe a few salads.  I don’t know.  I feel pressured.  Something so trivial.  I feel like I’ll always make the wrong decision.  That I’m pitted between getting what’s healthy and what has a shelf life.  I want both but it feels like I can only choose one. Yesterday, I threw out a Mango and four kiwi. I don’t know if they went bad.  I just feel like they did.  Rotten food… it’s never sat well with me.  Not sure why.  Could be my upbringing.  Always afraid of rotting food.  Of course, my dad didn’t cook so much back then.  He wasn’t always getting high.  What you saw wasn’t really a reflection of my life.  Just my recent life. Since I left for Texas the first time, it’s been like that.  This is the out I’ve needed.  Away from my family. Hard to say.  My dad’s overly elaborate and dramatic behavior? That’s been something that I grew up with.  Might have gotten worse, though. In Texas…  The first time was so bad, I stopped eating.  My food went rotten.  I was just so depressed.  That was when I was living alone.  Cemetery, too.  It wasn’t so good for me.  I was afraid of rotten food before then but I just ate less.  I reached a point where I knew I had to eat.  So, I started going out. Went to go get fast food. With enough of it… well, I gained so much weight.  I was ashamed, but I didn’t stop.

When I came back, I weighed 240.  That’s… a lot.  I never weighed that much.  I’ve never weighed this much.  Christ, I just want to stop eating now.  ><

Thing is, I’m getting healthy food.  I shouldn’t skimp out on healthy food.  I have to overcome my anxiety with rotting food.  My fear of food going rotten.  I feel so petty but… what can I do?  I can eat the food I have.  There is no other way.

I hate throwing out food.

I’m going to steal Adela’s scale.  When I left, I was 275.  I think I MIGHT have gained weight from those days where I pigged out.  I’m intentionally eating less because… rotting food.  If you see me again and I weigh 200, I’ll look good but keep in mind that I weigh that much because I basically stopped eating.  Crash.  Diet.

In the event of a crash diet… what do I do?  Should I start eating again?  Like big amounts?  I don’t know.  I can imagine what you’d say. “Google it.  Stop bothering me.” Ugh… I’m panicking.  Brb

Can’t get the scale to work.  Ah, well.  I think it needs batteries.  I’m sitting here, naked.  About to take a shower.  Adela will be back soon, so instead of taking a shower I decided to just update the journal.  Lol, I’m so good with time management.

I’ve been on a great upswing lately.  Like… you might have noticed but assumed it’s just me trying to get you back.  It’s not.  I know this because I’m feeling a bit moody now.  I miss you a lot so… yeah.  I think things can work.  I’ll get over this.  I’m hungry. I’m probably smelly and thus dirty.  Sweaty at least from the jog and sets.

I’m taking my laptop into the bathroom.  It’s nice to have music play when you shower.  Been listening to a lot of music lately.  Last night, I was listening to IRA music.  The IRA, of course, stands for “Irish Republican Army” and they’re a terrorist group who wants Northern Ireland to be a part of Ireland again.  They’re totally right, too.  Ireland should be Ireland.  Catholics get oppressed in Northern Ireland and that’s half their population.  The other half is protestant.

I can tell you more about that later.  For now?  Time to bathe.  But what to listen to…

Hey, just checked nationstates.  You checked it 17 hours ago.  Dennis did not.  That divide, though.

You didn’t do anything though… did… you get on just to check on me?  Quite a theory, I know.  But… why did you get on?  Your last activity was 10 days ago and that was just because your influence in your dumb fucking region went up.

Maybe you’re trying to keep your nation from dying… hrm…

Dennis did his issues four days ago.  Unlike you.  I’m worried.  In other news, everything for my nation is going quite well.  I want to message you and keep telling you to make decisions because it does make the mind healthy, but again.  You don’t want to talk to me. That and you’ll think I’m stalking you, which I’m not.

Now that I think about it, maybe I should.  Just see what you’re doing on Facebook. Nah, I need a shower.  Talk to you later.  ;)

So… they didn’t have enough avocados.  Drat.  I made myself an awesome sandwich.  Onions… tomatoes… cheese… honey mustard… spinach… no meat.  It’s great.  I love it.

[cryinghole-blog]

Xav: I'll talk to you on Steam but won't join tipchat again

Chinye: whats wrong

Xav: I dunno

Xav: I'm yelling a lot

Xav: Keep on changing what I want to do

Xav: Keep on fidgeting

Xav: So I'll talk after this shower

Chinye: ok

Chinye: i hope u feel better

Chinye: is something about tipchat bothering u?

Chinye: something i said?

Xav: No, it's me

Xav: I got upset in the shower. When I'm calmed down I'll tell you

Chinye: can i help?

Xav: I just need to unload on you

Xav: Sorry in advanced

Chinye: ok

Xav: Just here's the jist

Xav: I'm lazy

Chinye: lazy?

Chinye: i dont really get that impression with you

Chinye: did you forget to do something?

Xav: okay im back on

Xav: this might take a while

Xav: because i just have a horrible feeling in my gut

Xav: but the main reason why i am in my current life circumstance is that I'm lazy

Xav: 2010, first year of high school

Xav: everything was okay besides friend

Xav: 2011

Xav: i couldn't develop a study strategy

Xav: because I didn't feel like it

Xav: and pushed away the worries by either talking to people, playing games, watching things, etc.

Xav: this manifested

Xav: i started to not ask for help

Xav: because I didn't want to

Xav: and it was so much effort

Xav: this started spilling into everything

Xav: in life

Xav: today

Xav: i didn't eat breakfast

Xav: because i didn't want to

Xav: i didn't walk peggy

Xav: because i didn't want to

Xav: didn't do washing, the dishes, clean up

Xav: didn't go outside

Xav: it goes into video games

Xav: i can have more fun in Granblue if I looked up what I should do next and grind

Xav: but I'm lazy

Xav: and don't want to put in effort

Xav: so I just whine about my current situation

Xav: i would put more effort into trying to rebuild friendships

Xav: but I'm lazy

Xav: t would require too much effort

Xav: and make me anxious

Xav: and runin mty day

Xav: so I resort to staying inside

Xav: I was in the shwower

Xav: I was too lazy to get out

Xav: i just let the water envelop me

Xav: Like a wet and slippery cocoon

Xav: I don't try to develop new hobbies

Xav: Because that requires me to fail first to improve

Chinye: you sound like me

Xav: and I don't want to do that

Xav: I am too lazy to get up

Chinye: thats exactly how i am

Xav: too lazy to get dressed

Xav: too lazy to look for a job

Xav: too lazy to seek help from free government services

Xav: too lazy to tell mum and dad my real inner problems

Xav: too lazy to even start a conversation with my surviving friends

Xav: too lazy to become alive

Xav: too lazy to defend myself

Xav: i just take each blow

Xav: too lazy to do these stretches which will stop me feeling pain

Xav: too lazy to stop any of this happening

Xav: too lazy to believe in myself

Chinye: do you have anything that motivates you

Xav: i dunno

Xav: i just wanna go to sleep

Xav: because im too lazy to figure out what to do for the rest of the day

Xav: Too lazy to even try to find someone to fuck the pain away

Xav: I'm too lazy to find out if I even like dick

Xav: I've just masturbated to some dumb doujins online

Xav: had one boyfriend

Xav: who hadn't even transitioned yt

Xav: and i label myself as bi/pan

Xav: too lazy to get to the root of the problem

Xav: too lazy to get better at video games

Xav: doesn't that just make your skin crawl?

Xav: i want to do all these things

Xav: but this little thing in my head just makes me this walking zombie

Chinye: it doesnt really make it crawl but it makes me lock up a bit

Chinye: because i have exactly the same problem

Chinye: no motivation to do anything

Chinye: too lazy to fix my problems

Xav: i can feel my energy leak out

Chinye: I dont know what to say about it

Xav: all the positivity

Chinye: cause like im exactly the same

Xav: i want to cut off my limbs

Chinye: I wish there was a magic fix

Chinye: :(

Xav: and im too lazy to stop talking and think about your feelings

Chinye: you dont need to stop

Xav: i just keep on going

Xav: and impede negativity onto you

Chinye: negativity doesn't bother me

Chinye: I can handle it

Xav: even though i know how you feel because i've been in your spot so many times

Chinye: I just am thinking about it

Chinye: I dont know how to solve problems i have myself

Chinye: its good to know im not alone though

Xav: i'm too lazy to tell people what they say makes me feel horrible but i bottle it up and struggle to help them but all i can do is hit these plastic objects

Chinye: I thought other people just had motivation to do things

Chinye: and that things were just harder for me

Xav: which then sends an impulse to wiring then goes through all of these devices

Xav: to someone else

Chinye: Do i make you feel bad?

Chinye: with anything i say?

Chinye: I can stop dumping emotional stuff on you

Xav: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mWotngJBcc

Xav: i can't stop talking to you though

Xav: because then you will have to talk to someone else

Xav: and gothrough the same process

Chinye: I can keep it in

Chinye: and deal with it myself

Chinye: like should've done in the first place

Xav: you;'ll hurt yourself in the

Xav: process

Chinye: i'm sorry i've been dumping stuff on you

Chinye: I wont anymore

Xav: no

Chinye: thanks for all the help so far though

Xav: i want to be strong

Xav: i want to be strong for you

Xav: but i'm just so squishy

Xav: and take everything to heart

Chinye: i told you before

Chinye: i can handle it myself

Xav: i dont want you to be in pain

Chinye: i just got weak

Chinye: and let it fall on someone else

Chinye: dont worry about it anymore

Xav: i failed

Chinye: how?

Chinye: we're still gonna hang out

Chinye: and talk

Chinye: just not about sad stuff

Chinye: unless you need help

Chinye: maybe it'd be good to get some sleep though

Chinye: you said you were tired

Chinye: and i dont want you ot be upset

Xav: i donm't know

Xav: do we even have anything else to talk about?

Chinye: ofc we do

Chinye: are u joking

Chinye: i think were really good friend

Chinye: s

Chinye: we can talk about games

Chinye: and shows

Chinye: and things going on in discord

Xav: every day i just feel weaker and weaker

Xav: yesterday was fine

Xav: i don';t know why

Xav: everything felt different

Xav: but just

Xav: thinking of anything

Chinye: its my fault

Xav: makes me collapse

Chinye: you have been dealing with other peoples problems

Xav: no

Chinye: in addition to your own

Chinye: ofc its gonna be hard

Xav: please no

Chinye: ???

Xav: i don't wnat it ot be like this

Chinye: what to be like what

Chinye: im confused sorry

Xav: i dunno

Chinye: oh ok well

Chinye: if you wanna play games

Chinye: or anything

Chinye: let me know

Chinye: get some rest tho

Chinye: noob

Xav: i want to be stronger for you

Xav: for everyone

Chinye: then get there

Chinye: prepare yourself

Chinye: but that doesnt mean you gotta deal with everything at once

Xav: i want this feeling in my chest to go away

Chinye: sleep

Xav: it's 4:30 pm

Chinye: its the best way to get rid of feeling like that

Xav: it will ruin my day

Chinye: listen to music?

Chinye: im not sure

Xav: none of my music is particularly good at making me feel better

Chinye: you could finish koboyashi

Xav: i watch it with friends

Chinye: watch an anime from my list

Chinye: anything 8 and above is good

Xav: im too lazy to do anything new

Chinye: have you seen no.6?

Chinye: its shonnen ai

Chinye: but its really lite

Chinye: and good

Chinye: im thinking about going to sleep

Chinye: im really tired

Chinye: despite sleeping a bunch

Xav: okay

Chinye: not sure yet

Xav: dont ruin your sleep schedule this weekend

Xav: i want you to go to work on monday

Chinye: thanks dad

Chinye: :P

Xav: sorry, just can't think of anything funny atm

Chinye: lol you dont have to

Chinye: go eat a sanger

Chinye: or whatever u called them

Xav: i just feel frail and stale

Chinye: stale?

Chinye: you are a really nice person

Chinye: and i really think you brighten people around you

Chinye: a mood booster

Xav: it;s not enough

Chinye: its some though

Chinye: better than being someone who brings others down

Chinye: if everyone was like that

Chinye: things would be great

Xav: i;m going to be a pig and order food now

Chinye: wish i did that

Chinye: the sub i had when i woke up was gross

Chinye: lol

Xav: hoping mum won't look at the credit card bill

Xav: she was suggesting i make something for myself

Xav: but im just so weak

Xav: i didn't even make that sandwich i said i was going to make

Chinye: want me to paypal u money

Xav: no

Chinye: so u can order food

Chinye: and u just pay me back somehow

Xav: somehow will be in 2 years

Xav: maybe more

Chinye: it doesnt have to be with money n

Chinye: nerd

Xav: i've given you all i have

Chinye: what would food even cost

Chinye: like $20?

Xav: this place's minimum order is $20

Xav: the HSP was 13.50

Chinye: just let me know if u want me to

Chinye: and i'll paypal u it

Xav: i got a milkshake but it was shit

Chinye: you dont even have to give back

Xav: i can't let you do that

Chinye: i dont want you to get yelled at

Xav: Mum doesn't yell

Chinye: sorry

Chinye: shamed at

Xav: i can deal with it

Chinye: you dont have to if u let me help

Chinye: but ok

Chinye: its up to you

Xav: i just can't sorry

Chinye: ok...