#due to Circumstances we couldnt. and i spent the entire day crying to myself as i did homework

[tellmeyourstory-art-blog]

People are nasty because they are in pain

Why do we target minorities?

there is a reason they call it dady issue- we keep the love we think we deserve. is not entirely true.. maybe you saw it on a facebook quote and related but we actually choose the love we are famillar with. 

I once saw a picture of a duck, he was drifting sideways in a stream about to meet an avoidable fate of falling down a waterfall but seemingly didn’t mind. It was perfectly representing that point of depression- hoplessness that made me laugh so hard at the picture. The currents were taking us to inevitable doom, it was in our power to change but there was that relatable hoplessness in why bother. 

I was the duck at ths point in my life. I had once been teased by one of the slow learning kids at school who pointed at me mockingly after my embarrassingly failed attempt to catch a ball said ‘ well you’re just a duck anyway’  agressively enough for me to judge it as an attempt to demean me. The bizarrity of it didn’t huurt my feelings, none the less it was a great way to include the usual minority group in the class who felt confident ienough to make fun of me . 

 I was the duck. 

I was a teenager, and even though I learnt how to deal with exlusion I still wanted acceptance and love. So I reveled in the company music gave me. Bands that empathized with my pain changed my life, first few albums I picked up were from Radiohead,  Nirvana and Pink Floyd. Then the love flowed from the feeling my guitar gave me when i developed the muscle memory to play a song,  how the strings hurt so good underneath my fingertips. I didn’t need outer love anymore though i still believed in it. That someone, would see through me being a duck or a loser, and still find me attractive as I am.

In love, we tend to look for familiarity not to be confused with admiration. What want something taht feels normal. We usual look for someone who treats us much like our parents did and find those qualities most attractive.

well shit

I’ve only had the opportunity of feeling the urge to kiss someone once in my life, but I didn’t act on the thought, felt ashamed, turned away blushed, and repressed it completely. 

I did find myself attracted to people but quickly repressed that too. 

It’s hard to admit this even in writting, as most people perceive me as a logical level headed person,  I did have one celebrity crush when I was 14.  A  rock musician from New York, singer, guitarist and piano player, I’m still too embarrassed to admit who it was but again  I repressed exploring admiration and appreciation of physical attraction, shamed of myself, believing I was unable to ever recieve the same admiration back.

it but it seems this still comes out in my adulthood as his longer dark hair, and light colored eyes are some of the only things I find physically attractive these days. Isn’t that ridiculous?

For the most part of school I had been called ugly, at home I had been called a ‘bitch’, I was a gangly looking, weird, tall, large hips and at that  stage of  growth puppies go through where their paws are for to big for their little fluffy bodies. 

Eventually I would grow past this, and I wished someone said that to me at the time ‘but at the time I felt truly ugly and unlovable. I wish only to have known what I did now, and maybe I would have avoided the kind of love that came to me next. 

Nastiness is a difficult thing. Being a Victim is a difficult thing.

We treat nastiness, when we are emotionally weak in 2 ways. either side is interesting ad equally miserableand both sides have nothing ver much to envy from eachother

The temptation is to get stern and cruel back, or to succumb to the over compussing voice and convincing vicous slurs of the person attempting to over power us.

I did the latter.

Let me introduce you to, the man I would fall pregnant to. Who thankfully disappeared, but every year when it comes to the anniversary of my mom’s death i remember this moment and i will eb tormented with remembering it for th erest of my life. 

After I ran crying to the Ice cream store, face bruised and swollen from crying, I told my sister,  the manager of the ice cream shop let us move in with her. She’d later reveal her on and off boyfriend lived down the road and how he’d been abusive to her. 

not only was he abusive to her, but he had his sights set on me. 

The apartment was awful. I slept in the lounge  and was often woken up beer bottles, sex, drugs or most horrifyingly enough too me my guitar & record collection being thrown around. I managed to stay in school despite this.

My sister was there but she enjoyed the constant party. she is an extrovert, I am an introvert. She often abused the fact we lived out of home young to throw parties.

I was a virgin, and very much a victim & easy target. I reigned it true in my head that no one would ever love me/like me/be attracted to me & that I was ugly part due to my mother, part due to the constant bullying of school friends.

he drugged his gf one night. she was passed out. he pushed me over his lap and felt me up. told me it was my fault because I was beautiful.and i wasn’t a virgin anymore

i didn’t tell anyone because i was ashamed

i’d loose my house if his gf found out

i didn’t believe anyone would ever love me anyway

and I thought this was the best I was ever going to get & deserved it.

i was so ashamed of my body, my life & he used it

he told me everyday when no one was around

I was lucky I even got that from him, that I was ugly and pitiful

he’d make sure he’d keep my mouth shut, well they found out because i got pregnant.

he started hitting me

stealing my phone

my money (which wasn’t much)

until i was at a clinic basically crying for someone to help me

eventually i lost my house b/c his gf found out

he & i moved into an apartment

my sister blames me

All my friends  thought i was disgusting though deep down I was so afraid I didn’t want to stay with him I truly felt I had nowhere else to go and no one to turn to

he told me my body was his, and that now id be ugly & disgusting for life

& no one would ever love me

 in my life, I don’t think I would’ve been a mom otherwise.

I toughened up one night after he spent 8thousand dollars of my money on hookers for all his friends. I called the cops, booted him from my house.

though the night my mom died he had been there

i was getting ready to go to the hospital and say good bye he decided he wouldnt look after the baby it wasn’t his jobe

when he told me i couldnt go and slammed my head against the wall

and said  i was a bad mom

I do not fel any anger for this time in my life. but the only way to diminish the vicious cycle of hate is to address its origins, which lie in suffering. 

look on enemies with sorrow, pitty and when we cn manage it a forgiving kind of love.

the same forgiveness I have for my mom

ANd the same forgiveness I have for myself in this situation

I was a victim, and stuck in the unhealthy victim mentality. I tuly let my saddness define me at this point in my life and felt hopeless to see otherwise.

My pain was quietso my friends misinterpreted me in these situations there is only one way isnt ot succumb is to succumb and accept your circumstance for what they are and start believing you do deserve better

That you know deep down you are no the person people around you are telling you you are. but  at the same time understand they misunderstand you because youre letting your environment control the way you act out of losing hope. 

i ran awya and said good bye