#dyn: i'll stay with you (shauna x taissa)

[lingeringscars]

i lied one more post but not about layla.

shauna does not speak enough. in the adult timeline, all she really does is speak, but it's meaningless. shauna is known for bottling things up and repressing them and acting like everything is fine. shauna then gets mad at people, namely jeff and jackie, for not being able to read her mind. she resents them.

shauna is full of resentment. resentment towards jackie for not truly seeing her or ever asking what she wanted out of life, just assuming that it would be her and what she wanted. resentment towards jackie for dying (yes, it is true). resentment towards jeff for trapping her in a life (a life that she did, in fact, choose btw). resentment towards jeff for making her have not one but two children. resentment towards callie for daring to be alive.

and none of this comes out. (it also seems like callie is the only one that truly feels that? also shauna's most vocal resentment is directed towards callie in general. i don't even like my daughter. [not as sentimental as your hubby?] . back when she was cute. etc etc etc).

shauna does not talk and expects people to just understand what she is feeling, holding it against them when they keep doing what they are doing, but they have no reason to suspect that they've done anything wrong! (and it's really not from a people pleasing standpoint, either. i don't think shauna cares very much if jackie or jeff like her, she's not swallowing herself to make herself more palatable. it's not really Like that. she does have shame. i don't really know what is driving this, it's just Her).

now to my point <3 she DOES talk to tai. one reason why feeling like tai is betraying her hits so hard is because tai might be the one person on the planet that shauna actually talks to. she has fake niceties with nat (that burning resentment going into season 3 for her being crowned antler queen is going to be...interesting), misty, and others, but she won't fake anything with tai. she's miserable, she's cranky, she's everything that she actually feels. she tells tai the truth, she tells tai the ugly truth, and when she keeps things from tai, it bothers them both. when she lies to tai, it bothers her.

she says that tai is supposed to be on her side, and that is something that has stuck with them. shauna didn't choose to go to the lake to stick it to jackie or prove a point, that is true. but it's also true that shauna was on tai's side re: allie, re: the lake, even re; the expedition. shauna has been on tai's side, and she expected that in return (and she never lost that, but tai didn't exactly act the way shauna wanted her to, even if she was clearly still on shauna's side. see: jackie).

shauna actually divulges information to tai, and she is upset what that is not reciprocated or does not feel reciprocated. tai may be the only person on the planet that shauna does not deeply resent because of this.

[lingeringscars]

Shauna feeling personally betrayed by Tai supporting / backing / defending lottie

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Me realizing that I was partially right. When the blood dropped on the baby blanket there was a shot of it clearly in between shauna and tai and I was like I am sooo reading too far into this but something about the symbol being between shauna and tai (+ knowing that they fought later + shauna just being difficult to read )

At the time cj and i were both like tai is v against it and shauna walked away too. But shauna is complicated and hard to read bc she's constantly shoving her own feelings down and craves uncertainty and control so there was a chance she'd end up on lotties side and also a chance she absolutely would not (not to mention That Scene where she confided in lottie specifically).

But instead it was the opposite where shauna is begging tai to be on her side RE LOTTIE (insert my agenda here about how tai is "on vans side" and shauna is like you're supposed to be with me!). Tai went to the blessings. Tai is finding peace in the blessings. Tai is healthier because she is sleeping through the night. But shauna is still scared and lost and without a drive or grip and she feels fucking out of control bc she's having a baby and lottie thinks it's this blessing that's going to change everything and that is an insane amount of pressure when they're all just teenagers lost in the woods.

So she's rightfully freaking out and tai is the person she feels closest to and trusts the most and also the person she has always been able to count on to be on HER side and vice versa. Shauna has stood with tai when others did not. Shauna feels most comfortable around tai. They understand each other so it's unfathomable that tai might not be on her side here is not the person supporting HER.

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The fact that mari was the one going to help shauna before tai pushed her out of the way. I love to win.

[lingeringscars]

No actually back on (never left) my shaunatai agenda. Lottie does all the right things. She's soothing. She's understanding. She's empathetic. She thinks shauna needs her time and space to process and grieve, but tai knows shauna. Tai fundamentally does not grieve this way, but tai also knows that shauna isn't grieving so much as avoiding and living in her trauma and guilt.

Shauna needs to hear from tai specifically that this isn't right or okay or healthy because the right thing to do is to say it's fine and you have your process and everyone is different etc. These things are true. It's also true that sometimes we fall into unhealthy behaviors, and tai is the one who can drive this home in shauna.

Shauna values tais opinions and thoughts and really admires the way tai isn't afraid to speak her mind. Shauna is always keeping things close to her chest, but it is tai who has always given her permission to free them.

Shauna lies. She lies as a teen, she lies as an adult, she's terrible at it most of the time and some people either don't notice (jeff) or let it go (jackie) but tai notices and calls it and that allows Shauna to actually tell the truth. Shauna gets to share her truth and life with tai, even if tai will make fun of her for it because I think deep down Shauna truly believes that tai will never judge her. And this happens before the abortion scene! Shauna feels comfortable with tai, so comfortable she shares her nightmares and fears with her that even jackie, especially jackie, doesn't know!

Shauna will never have another friend like jackie. Jackie was her best friend. But tai is her true friend. Tai sees everything that Shauna is and Shauna sees tai for who she is and what they have is unconditional. Shauna starts to lose her grip when it feels like tai is no longer on her side. Tai is no longer supporting her. It no longer feels unconditional in the way that got Shauna through some horrible times as is. She needs tai in so many ways, but one of those ways is that she needs tai to feel complete.

[lingeringscars]

"thanks for having my back during the vote"

"i didn't have your back. it was just what i thought"

[lingeringscars]

I don't think van would have done what travis did. If tai was chosen, then that is what the wilderness chose. That was the answer. The more compelling question to me is what would shauna have done?

[lingeringscars]

All jackie wanted and thought about was shauna telling her jackie was the best friend she ever had. But it has never been jackie and has always been tai. Tai sees shauna for who she is, and shauna can tell tai anything. Jackie was her best friend, but tai is the best friend she has ever and will ever have.