#excuse me if i interpreted smth wrong i didn't finish the series yet

[metalheadscully]

Example of Mulder's self-deprication in Small Potatoes

Everyone knows and remembers the infamous almost kiss between fake!Mulder and Scully in Small Potatoes, just another bane of every MSR fan's existence. What's even more intriguing to me is the scene on which the episode ends. That short conversation while walking down the prison corridor in which Mulder in seemingly petty jealousy tells Scully that he is no Eddie van Blundht either when she tells him he isn’t a loser. On first thought it does seem like a simple joke, something superificial. But it actually tells us a lot about Mulder himself and how his reaction rather stems from self-hatred than anything else. Which makes it just another perfect example of his fucked up perception of his own character.

While the almost kiss, which most likely had turned into an actual one if Mulder hadn't barged in, counts as irrefutable proof that if he ever were to pursue Scully she would reciprocate, he doesn't see it as such. Though the scene and it's conclusion seemed clear to us, his view on it is warped through the lense of his perceived worthlessness, which leads him to believe it couldn't possibly become true. He blames it on her dying, leaving her vulnerable and more likely to give in to the advances of fake!Mulder. Though Mulder wasn't present for any part of the conversation and therefore will never actually know what took place (let's be real, Scully would never talk about this ever again), he likely seems to believe that she was seduced by fake!Mulder's sweet-talking. As Scully mentions both have never talked much outside of work and through previous episodes we know that they are notoriously bad at talking things out, if at all. So even if he were to pursue her, he thinks he would never find the right words to even begin to explain what she means to him. Ultimately he would fail since he is himself, which is not enough in his eyes.

Another example of this form of cognitive distortion: Others have been reacting and complementing positively on Mulder’s appearance mutliple times in the past (i.e. in Humbug he is made out to be conventionally attractive and now being called good-looking more than once by Eddie himself), yet he is the one beginning to be insecure about his nose in Sanguinarium. Showcasing that no matter the amount of compliments or person to deliver them, he will deflect it. The focus on appearance is superficial here, but we have a lot of direct examples of it in the show and it will no doubt extend to compliments regarding his personality as well.

We find many details of Mulder's self-deprication through the episode, but this one peaked my interest. Not only because it is the first time that it is directly linked to a situation that leaves no ambiguity about it's romantic intent (which is very rare as MSR fans know), but also because I nearly dismissed it as something completely different. It probably is intended to sound casual, making it easier for Scully to brush it off as a joke. But it actually reveals so much about the hurt that Mulder carries and tries to hide. The biggest one being that he thinks he will never be good enough for his Scully.