#for her it's always felt intimate despite being a necessity particularly in earlier years

[tvrningout]

staring at kaiya and realizing that in this version of her story, she still has a strong will, but she doesn't have the same control over herself as she did in her k.ny verse. in k.ny, it's a thing of finding one's humanity again and winning against m.uzan's influence. if you break free from his hold successfully, you can resist the desire to eat humans, even if it's still a struggle to fight the hunger at times.

but as a vampire in dorverold, kaiya isn't fighting another being's will. she can't exactly have the same " mind over matter " approach bc in order to live, she has to consume blood. if she doesn't, not only does her physical condition deteriorate, the hunger becomes harder to control. the beast becomes harder to control -- the same one that lives within each vampire, the same one that cyrillo tamed long ago. kaiya doesn't understand how he does not fear it. how is he so sure that he won't hurt someone some day?

even when they are well-fed, a vampire can be sent into a frenzy if exposed to too much blood at once, which is especially true for younger vampires. even when they are well-fed, a vampire can lose themselves when drinking from the source, particularly if they do not often drink from a living creature. even when they are well-fed, a vampire can still lose control, and kaiya fears nothing more.

the memory of her resurrection still haunts her. she lost control for mere minutes, and someone lost their life; she fears what could happen now that she is surrounded by so many who she cares for.