#freya 🐈🐗 🐝

[charredstarling]

Just some shadow work

Why do you hold grudges: Because if i let go, i have to reckon with what happened. if they arnt really as terrible as i thought then theres a chance that it wasnt their fault that i was hurt. it also calls into question the abusers that i do not forgive, what if they arnt that bad either? and that train of thought had led me right back into the arms of those who hurt me on multiple occasions. Its safer to hate a select few than to doubt the validity of my trauma.

Why do you feel undeserving of love: because for most of my life i wasnt shown love unconditionally, i was only shown praise when i did my very best. otherwise i was yelled at or hurt because i wasnt doing good enough. even when i wasnt doing anything wrong i was punished, and i carry that with me today. i do not let myself feel loved unless i believe that i am doing the very best that i could be doing, and i rarely ever feel like i am doing good enough. i motivate myself by yelling and screaming and hurting myself because its what pushed me when i was younger, but now it doesnt do anything good for me. when i am shown love i feel confused and doubtful, because unconditional love feels fake to me.

How often do you lie to yourself: Every day from the second i wake up to the second i fall asleep. I say i am ok and that i feel fine and that i can handle all of this on my own and its a blatant lie and everyone around me knows it. i cant admit consistently that i am not capable of handling all of this on my own, and i also cannot ask for help because i feel unworthy of it. it is my job to handle all of this so that others dont have to. but that isnt fair to me, and i lie and say that its ok and that life isnt fair. i lie when i say i love myself and i lie when i say that im doing good because thats all surface level, i havent even started breaking down my old thought patterns yet. and i shouldnt have to alone because rebuilding oneself is a monumental feat. but in my mind i am a burden and i must do this alone, so that maybe someday someone will be able to tolerate me in full.

What emotions do you avoid feeling: anger. i never learned to process it properly and so no matter how justified it is i end up scaring myself out of feeling it. i worry that feeling angry means i will hurt people, because i was hurt when others were angry. thats when i was abused, when they were angry. and i fear that just the action of feeling that anger will unleash some hidden abusive monster inside of me and ill go around attacking everyone i see.

How can you face that feeling: sitting with it when i feel it. just letting it run through my system without trying to distract myself. letting my mind construct whatever arguments or insults it wants and ranting to friends until ive felt all i can feel for that moment.

How can you motivate yourself: by being gentle. i need to stop trying to use fear as a motivator and start using my passion as a motivator. and to do that i need to step away from fear, i need to be gentle with myself and forgiving of my misteps.

What has love taught you: that i am beautiful and kind and smart and amazing. and that i am compassionate and enjoyable and funny. love has taught me that i am not some horrible broken thing, that i am a person just like anyone else. love has taught me that i am deserving, and that people are kind and that they do care.

What has loss taught you: That life is something to cherish, and that no amount of time will feel like enough. and that sometimes its better to let go or to leave. and that some people arnt meant to stay, some people werent all that great in retrospect. loss has taught me to be scared of it, because to be abandoned is to lose. but loss has also taught me to greive, and to cry, and to scream. loss has taught me how to process things, how to feel. in some loss there is a relief, a comfort. in some there is an anger. loss has guided me

What are you hiding from others: that im actually just a scared animal thats wandering around hoping that i figure something out. that i am not actually all that wise, i am just hurt. that i am not all that in touch with myself and that its all a front to try and avoid the truth. the truth is that i am a wounded scared animal wandering around in a hostile world with no clue what i should be doing. i cannot tend to my wounds lest someone else notices they are there, and i cannot ask for help lest someone sees me as a pet or a project.

What can you learn from time: That i cannot stop it, i cannot make it slow, but i can rest. i can rest as long as i need. i cannot expect the world to stop spinning but i can expect others who live in this sea of time to be understanding. we are all here together in the same storm.

[charredstarling]

Thank you Lady Freya for the strength to carry on

For the will to fight for what is right

And for the reminder that I am strong

I admire you, Lady Freya

You are beautiful and fierce

You are gentle and yet firm

You are patient but insistant

Thank you for all you do, and for all you stand for.