#friend was venting to me earlier today and I was both honored Bc they trusted me and wanted to vent to me while also being like

[jess-oh]

Reflection

I think it’s been easy for me to avoid posting just bc of a constant stream of YouTube videos but I really don’t want to make a habit out of it and get better at just pausing or even deleting the YouTube browser, and typing typing typing. And actually concentrating on what I’m writing and not see this as homework because it’s not. It’s my choice to post or not and this just helps me better process everything that’s going on in my life.

Today, or last night rather, we actually had a pretty good turnout at Judy’s praise and prayer! Because of the many complications in transportation, I was definitely tempted to just give up and go home but I kept myself accountable. I knew that former me would never let something like this stop me and wouldn’t even see it as an issue so why was I going to let it stop me now?

I am really happy that I went though. I really poured my heart into our prayer about the freshman class just because it had been something on my heart for a while and I really do wish only the best for them. When we shared about our experiences at retreat, I ended up going last which kind of sucked but as it got closer and closer to my turn and debated how to share or rather, even what to share....I realized that I’m not done processing. In fact, far from it.

Yes, God emphasized many gifts within me. But I think more than that, He wanted to tell me, “You are not weak.” And whilst sharing, I couldn’t help but just really focus on what God was saying to me and relive the moments that I felt at retreat. Starting from day 1, he used Christy to show me that I am filled with joy, compassion, kindness, and truth and that these things aren’t bad and they do not make me weak and despite the things that I learned growing up, these are not bad qualities or traits. Sidenote: I was kind of overwhelmed when everyone’s attention was on me because I was expecting everyone to just kind of listen but look in aimless directions. I didn’t expect people to actually look at me while I talked. But back to retreat, I was really sensitive in elementary school and my sister always got annoyed with me whenever I cried just because I did so all the time. I remember coming to school crying in the morning before going to class. I remember never feeling like I was enough for my parents. I remember wanting attention because neither of them were ever home. I remember feeling left out because my sister had kids to hangout with in her age range but I had no one. I remember my self esteem issues and fear of judgment first originating from my sister because of her constant judgment towards me. I remember not feeling safe in my own home. I remember feeling the least comfortable in my own home than anywhere else. I remember in high school when I was depressed and self harmed myself to feel anything and to just reassure myself that I’m still human and can still feel pain and joy and emotions or anything. That I wasn’t just going crazy. That I wasn’t just a robot. That I was still human. And I needed to self inflict that pain to do so. And it wasn’t even ever for attention because I kept it a secret for a long time. I didn’t want anyone to know that it was something that I had done because it was just another thing that made me “weak” and I didn’t want anyone to see that. I remember crying alone in my room countless times and just needing a way to escape the pain. I remember when my family fell apart and we all yelled and screamed at each other and I just wanted to escape and I was so afraid of the verdict and I felt like it was all my fault. And that pain. That overwhelming pain. I remember how much pain I suffered through and yet, I still refused to let anyone in. Because I was afraid. Because I didn’t want to seem like I was weak. To anyone. I had to keep up this act. I just had to. I couldn’t bear with the idea that anyone saw me as weak and I was so afraid that I would just get left behind as a result. I didn’t want people to think that I couldn’t keep up.

So when Jennifer, Hannah Shin, and Judy praised me...I was shocked. On the second night after I shared to Hannah about how hard my grandparents’ health was affecting me and how I was trying to make an effort to pay the bills and take up another job to pay for my own apartment and she told me that I was the most selfless person that she knew and I was so shocked because just a couple hours earlier, I was thinking about how incredibly selfish I was for receiving this whole summer instead of giving back but I do think that it’s been important for me to just rest in the Lord and learn and listen instead of trying to go out of my way to give all the time. And plus, I think I’m getting back into the habit of giving. Especially after being so filled with compassion and just a longing to be there with my brothers and sisters. On night 3, Judy and Jennifer shared with me how they look up to me. Right? ME? I’ve always seen them as people that God has blessed me with and it’s honestly just an honor for me to call them “my friend.” But somehow, they found gifts that they long for and strive for that I have? What! Judy praised my heart of compassion and Jennifer to my heart of servantship. I think Jen’s comments really hit me just because she called out how a lot of the times, I didn’t get attention for my efforts but how God still sees exactly what I’m doing. And I know I’ve heard that so many times but she genuinely meant it. She honestly believed that God could see and really appreciated every little thing that I was doing, even when other people couldn’t. And that really stuck a chord within me. Judy, too. Judy has such a huge and caring heart that really longs to invest into others so the fact that she felt the need to seek after my heart of compassion was crazy. I really love them both, even if I can’t always put it into words. They mean so much to me and those words alone were so reassuring. 

On night 2, I didn’t even think I’d really have any encounters but once they opened the floor to anyone with a family member struggling with an illness, my heart broke. Because it really does put me in so much pain to see my grandparents struggling so much. Especially my grandfather. I was watching a Try Guy video and Ned mentioned how his grandmother’s cancer left and returned and just thinking about my grandpa and what would happen if his cancer returned.... it really broke my heart. Of course, it really hurt me because he means the world to me but more than that, it hurt me to see him in so much pain and agony and anguish and I just prayed that if it is indeed in God’s will to take him away, then at least allow him to leave this Earth in peace. No longer in pain. Because hearing about how much he’s suffering and how much he just wishes God would take him out of his misery, really broke my heart. 

God,

I am so weak. I couldn’t earn it and I don’t deserve it still you gave yourself away. Oh, the overwhelming, neverending, reckless love of God. 

I don’t know what I ever did to deserve your unending and reckless love Christ but I am beyond grateful for it. Thank you for still accepting me and loving me even when I ignore you and spit in your face and yell at you and all these other things when in reality, you deserve only the highest and utmost praise. We are nothing compared to you. And I am so sorry that I am constantly trying to bear the weight of my own burden instead of relying on you for strength and support and guidance. But I do think that that’s something I need to work on. Just being more open in general and much more willing to listen. 

God,

I want to return to Chicago so incredibly on fire for you and who you are. I want to shout your name and jump and feel free to just fully worship you and who you are.

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I have a confession to make. My sister is currently going through a breakup and of course I want to be there for her, but it does take an emotional toll on me, especially because I’m pretty much the only person she comes to about her emotional problems. And I am honored that she trusts me enough to share these things with me but I kind of wish that she would talk to other people and not just me so that it’s not just my burden to bear. Especially because I’m trying to just have my personal time with God right now but she keeps interrupting to vent more when I just really want to listen to the music and type out everything on my heart. But I keep having to pause it to hear what she’s saying and I’m honestly kind of annoyed. I don’t get a lot of time to just have my alone time anymore because my sister is constantly asking for my attention and to just be in my presence when I just want to be alone and recharge so it’s definitely taking a toll on me because I’m not getting enough time to recharge and reflect and really spend time alone with my thoughts. I hope she can find other people to vent to and look instead to the Lord instead of constantly seeking my support and attention because that’s really unhealthy for me.

When I hung out with Andrew shortly after retreat, I realized how much I just wanted to rejoice in God’s glory and all that He did and share the good news but because of Andrew’s religious beliefs. I felt like I couldn’t share it with Him, as much as I wanted to. And that discouraged me. I do want to be really good friends with Him to whom I can feel free to share everything with but, God is such an integral part of my life and I don’t think I can have a best friend with whom I can’t share the good news with. 

That’s another thing about Lakeview. I really hope they can become a community where we can share life together and just be so head over heels in love with God and never ever feel ashamed of Him but instead, just feel this overwhelming desire to praise His name at all times and in all things. I want to be with people that are just as crazy about Him as I am. And I definitely learned that there is so much power in prayer and when Jennifer told me about how she believed that I’m going to a prayer warrior, I was so encouraged. Because I do really love to pray. That’s honestly probably one of my favorite things to do. Praying. Confessing. Rejoicing. Hurting. Guidance. Help. Hurt. Prayer. Prayer is so powerful and I have this overwhelming heart to help and care for those around me and I really do love to help and care and invest into them. And even though no one else will do that, at least at first, I hope that I can help cultivate Lakeview into this community that is just so incredibly unashamed of prayer and of who He is.

I mentioned this to Judy and during her praise and prayer today but I really want to get better at touch. I’m going to mention it again in a future post from retreat but I just really wanted to get this out there because I never once considered to want to get better with touch. But man, just thinking about how I would put a hand on someone’s shoulder and immediately be overwhelmed by all their pain and sorrow and worry, it filled me with so much heart. The heart to carry that burden with them and suffer alongside them and a deep investment in that pain. And this has happened before too. I remember being on the bus with Karina from church to Irvine once and I saw her cry from stress and I just really wanted to pray for her. So I decided to sit beside her and immediately, my heart was overwhelmed by her pain and I cried alongside her. Something that a lot of people forget is that Jesus WEPT. He knew that Lazarus would return but he still cried. There is so much weight to the simple phrase, “Jesus wept.” It’s so much more than just one man crying. It’s Jesus. God. He wanted to live life and share that with us and CRY and suffer with us down this path. 

Parting thoughts, it is currently 6:13am. I’ve been awake since 4am. Honestly, I woke up a couple times before that too but I just got up after that to go and comfort my sister. Also, I don’t know if I was just half awake or what but I think I saw the door of Heaven. I saw my door but it looked much bigger than usual and there was this kind of holy light coming from the other side and that’s when I knew to comfort my sister through Christ and not just through advice based on my own personal experience. So I made sure to do just that. And I don’t know how well she took it but she does want to make an effort and go to church tomorrow so I think that says something.