#getting vegas married to the queen for a weekend because you were both drunk probably also doesnt count

[romancevsreality-blog]

vanderpump rules, season five, episode sixteen: these boys need help with their drag names

It feels greeeeeeat to be back, y’all.

Sorry about last week - Valenslimes Day got a little wild.

We’re in New Orleans too, where everyone’s hungover from their night in the very secret underground place called Bourbon Street. Not even kidding, I laughed at that being Stassi’s idea of “Her New Orleans” being... Bourbon Street. Literally, that’s like a New Yorker taking you to The High Line1 or going to The Bean2 in Chicago. Anyway, Brittany and Jax are going over the previous night’s events wherein Jax cried because he’d been a dick to Stassi for… their entire relationship? Jax doesn’t understand why Brittany is upset that Jax cried and apologized to Stassi when Jax literally refuses to apologize or own up to anything with Brittany, and probably doesn’t talk to her with half the emotion he showed Stassi. Brittany, he’s 67 years old, his body can only produce so much moisture.

Oh, goodness Schwartz pretty much proves how shitty he can when he wakes Katie up at the beginning of the episode. In his most passive little voice he’s like, "Bubba... Bubba, wake up. Bubba, don’t you want to apologize for how you were last night? You were so mean to me last night. Wake up Bubba. How could you?" I know Katie’s literally one of the worst people on earth, but Tom’s mask is slipping and it's clear he’s toxic and incredibly passive aggressive right back to her. Straight up: if anyone wakes me up by poking me, let alone with some gross request for an apology when I’m hungover,that’s a great way to get the pair of scissors I keep under my pillow into your neck. I have a sensitive startle reflex. Don’t cross me.

Anyway, Katie and Tom basically fought the night before because Tom wanted to walk home and Katie didn’t feel safe and thus wanted to take a car. And of course, because it’s Katie, she delivered this information in an screaming, violent, vitriol-filled manner. They’re both still drunk from the night before, it’s 8 am, and nothing gets resolved, as is the typical case with these people.

The girls head to brunch in their Southern Belle Best3, where they sit and chat about the previous evening. Meanwhile, the groomsmen (and Ariana, who is a groomsman, less I other her) are going gatoring. My question: why can’t they do both? I want to go to both brunch and see a bunch of fucking gators in a swamp. Tom Schwartz reminds us he’s afraid of all nature things, so this will be fun. He’s also wasted because of what happened with Katie in addition to probably still being drunk from the night before. There’s a ton of putting butts on Schwartz’s face because he’s getting married or because these dudes just like putting their butts on each other’s faces.

Back at brunch, Kristen and Scheana are freaking out because they both don’t eat seafood. I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t eat seafood. Kristen and Scheana leave the table and we learn that the reason for Katie’s constant vitriol and abuse of Tom is rooted in the fact that they’re all certain Tom cheated on Katie in Vegas a few years prior and never completely owned up to it, and Katie never fully got over it. Tom originally told Katie that he made out with a girl in Vegas and that was it - but honestly, who just makes out with someone? That’s cheating when you’re in high school - when you’re in your 30s, cheating definitely involves sex, and I’m pretty certain Tom did it but again, it was also two years ago - if Katie’s not over it and Tom’s not forthcoming, they shouldn’t get married. Full stop. It’s not fair to bring up something from two years ago as an excuse for horrific behavior - it may excuse why Katie’s terrible to Tom, but why is she terrible to literally everyone else as well? Scheana gleefully claps at the idea that they’re going to ruin someone’s weekend to make sure their friend doesn’t look like the shitty asshole they are. Because they take pride in it. They relish in it. They enjoy it. I’m a vengeful person, but god damn.

Ugh, these fools have a crab boil and I am straight up jealous. Tom Schwartz is so drunk he feels bad for the crabs and won’t talk to Katie. He left his phone at home, which is probably the smartest move. Tom Sandoval, the MVP of this episode, suggests Tom and Katie got to counseling. Carter, who apparently was with Katie and Kristen when they came to the root of Katie’s issues with Tom, decides to play devil’s avocado for Katie and say that Tom doesn’t have her back and brings up the fact that Katie doesn’t trust Tom because of the Vegas thing. Sandoval smells Kristen all over that concept and says what I basically just did - they’re looking for a reason to vindicate and excuse Katie’s behavior and of course it’s something from two years ago. Jax asks the million dollar question, and phrases it as a sentence: “ Why are you getting married. Why are you getting married.” And tells Tom that yeah, he shouldn’t have to live like this, and Tom Schwartz is crying, so is Tom Sandoval. Tom Schwartz tries to blame himself and its hurts Tom Sandoval to see Schwartz crying. Sandoval tells Schwartz he deserves better, which is true. Everyone’s crying and all the dudes are like WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE MASCULINITY ETC ETC

We get our obligatory Lisa scene involving the cooks at Pump, and it’s mostly a scene of the cooks speaking in Spanish about how they wish they were married to Lisa.

Back in New Orleans, the girls are getting ready for their night out when they’re interrupted by a woman carrying a cake. They’re all confused as hell until she starts twerking and they all realize it’s a stripper. I am confused by so many things in this episode. But I guess if they want strippers, I can’t stop them, right?

Over with the groomsmen, Ariana and Tom wake Schwartz up by hitting him with blow-up penises because it’s time for them to get into drag. I wish that was a fake sentence, but no. Tom even got drag queens Aubrey St. Claire, Star, and Anastasia to come in and be their drag mothers. These dudes are even going as far as to tuck, which is shocking. I appreciate their full commitment, I watched the video of Willam tucking a guy. I have the link if someone wants it, it’s far too NSFW for me to post here - but jeeeeeeez, it does not look like the most comfortable thing in the world so I commend these boys for this. Ariana bounces between the groomsmen and the bridesmaids and is salivating with envy over their stripper.

My Descriptions Of How These Boys Looked In Drag:

Peter: Like my seventh and eighth grade teacher Mrs. Huff, only without the education

Jax: Like someone put Natalie Portman in the stripper scene in Closer in a blender.

Tom Sandoval: Like a power bitch, tbh. Clea Duvall in a power bitch role.

Tom Schwartz: Like a man in drag.

Ariana: Like a Kate McKinnon parody character parody.

They head over to The Rusty Nail in their finest drag, because where else better to challenge traditional masculinity roles than by showing up at a sports bar in drag. They get girls to buy them shots, Schwartz gets wasted, and Jax is basically like “Well, that’s a good sign for their marriage… they probably shouldn’t get married.” I really hate when Jax is the voice of reason on this show even though he should be because he’s 80. Ariana is full on committed to her role as Jordan Taylor, Vine Star, and I love it. I also love the shot of Jax learning what it’s like to pee as a woman. He literally pees all over himself in an attempt to pee standing up. Oh, Jax. You should have learned this 87 years ago.

Back over at Sexy Unique Restaurant, Lisa is tasting new dishes in what is clearly an advertisement for the food at Sexy Unique Restaurant. She mostly wants gluten-free, healthy dishes, and relishes in the fact that her staff isn’t there. She apparently upgraded Tom and Katie’s hotel room in New Orleans, a move that was probably unnecessary.I’m more offended by the server’s pronunciation of “loup de mer than anything else.

The guys head back to the hotel and run into the girls in the lobby, where the girls get a fresh taste of what the guys have been up to. Tom is rocking a new wig, more Sia-inspired than the last one, which was much more Cher.4 Katie and Schwartz seem to have put another band-aid on their situation, because Tom is drunk enough to be lovey-dovey with Katie just the way she wants it. Kristen, though, is not having it - she wants Schwartz to come clean about what happened in Vegas because otherwise, it’s all fake.

Kristen, who cheated on Tom Sandoval with Jax, Tom Sandoval’s best friend and Stassi’s ex-boyfriend is demanding someone come clean about their cheating. The Kristen of seasons past has returned in full force and Krazy Kristen Has Returned and requests Tom’s presence to berate Kristen about the Vegas thing. Choosing the worst times to discuss things, like when your best friend's boyfriend is drunk, in drag and at his bachelor party, you don't bring up that shit. Tom rightfully gets pissed off and walks away, but not before calling Kristen basic.

Tom Schwartz, I’m still pissed at you about the poking thing, but this is accurate af.

Kristen follows Tom into the elevator vestibule where she and Carter try to get into Tom and Tom’s face about it - Kristen tries to push Sandoval away so that she and Carter can talk to Schwartz even though Schwartz clearly wants nothing to do with any of this. He tells Kristen she needs therapy, and when Sandoval tries to tell Kristen to go away, she has the gall to remind him that none of this is her business. None of this was your business either, Kristen, you just know how poorly Katie is coming across and are desperate to make her look good for some reason no one seems to understand.

The fight leads to the hallway outside all of their rooms, where Carter is trying to defend Kristen’s shitty behavior and The Toms are trying to warn him of what he’s gotten into. Carter keeps trying to say it’s not about Kristen when Schwartz keeps talking about what a slut Kristen was and what a hypocrite she is because she’s a cheater too. And why is Carter doing any of this, anyway? He’s been there for about two weeks. Kristen is just projecting due to the massive amounts of guilt she feels - every time she thinks someone’s a cheater, she goes after them with a borderline violent obsession about avenging cheating. Jax, Brittany, and Stassi all do their own form of eavesdropping - Jax and Brittany press their faces to the wall, Stassi flat out peeks her head out and watches - and Carter doesn’t even try to atempt an argument when he finally gets a chance to speak. He’s so drunk he’s like “Tom, you’re Sia. And you two should date.” Like that is a) an insult and b) what?5

Tom runs into Katie in the hallway and curses out Kristen, and Katie doesn’t even know what’s going on. He calls her a moron and shuts himself in the room. Meanwhile, Kristen is describing the events to Ariana and Scheana, and Ariana’s like “Man. These two gotta work out their shit.” Understatement of the century, Ariana.

The Toms sit in her hotel room and basically yell “I DID NOT FUCK THAT GIRL” “YEAH YOU DIDN’T FUCK HER” at each other over and over again. Sandoval even goes as far to insinuate Schwartz had whiskey dick, a problem I wouldn’t be shocked to hear he had. Meanwhile, Kristen delivers her side of the story to Katie and Stassi (who had never heard the story at all becuase she and Katie weren’t friends at the time) and Katie agrees that Kristen had good intentions, just didn’t pick the right moment. Nah, she picked the most Kristen-suited moment. Katie’s like, “I didn’t want to talk to everyone about it because I was trying to protect him.” And yet here she is, happily playing the victim.

Ariana and Scheana try to talk to The Toms about the entire endeavor, and Tom Sandoval says the most telling thing when he mentions that it hadn’t been good for four years prior to that. They can’t blame all of their problems on one event, it just doesn’t work that way. Tom Schwartz says he’s done with Katie and refuses to marry her.

Next Week: Lisa’s clued into what’s going on, Tom Schwartz is a battered wife, Jax knows that Tom slept with Vegas Girl, Kristen and Tom go at it again, and by the end of the episode, everyone’s fine again.

See you tomorrow for Bachelor realness!

Random Thoughts From The Desk of Amanda:

Jax getting out of drag is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a while.

Carter looked like a homophobic coked up hipster hardy boy for most of this episode. I can’t stand him. He’s so thirsty for camera time.

As much as I make fun of Tom Sandoval, I really do love him and he really does seem to be the only logical and  loyal person on this entire show.

Kristen pretty much fucked over her redemption run in one episode, god damn.

Someone is going to say there’s a much more cliched touristy thing to do, and to them I say… What is it? ↩︎

Y’all i straight up love public art. I learned about Christo and Jean-Claude in my freshman year of college and have been obsessed with all forms of public displays. I’ve always said I live my life like a Jenny Holzer display. ↩︎

Getting ready montage note - of course Katie, who defines Basic, has those oval flat makeup brushes. She probably got them for free on Instagram. ↩︎

Who is this random black friend the girls collected? ↩︎

I cackled at Jax being like I AM NOT GETTING INVOLVED IN TOM AND KRISTEN’S SHIT AGAIN. ↩︎