#got the bad autism feelings :(( it’s 6am and I’m sick so that’s not helping

[spookybluebirdcupcake]

So I’m having a really shitty weekend for my mental health and I need to have a rant about it:

First of all I’ve hit that point where I’m about 90% ready to self harm and that 10% is still fighting but I’m running out of alternative ideas to helping calm me down 😴

My parents have been on holiday since last Saturday and only just got back last night so I’ve been up at 6am every morning to feed the cat who will literally not stop screaming even once she’s been fed! I’ve had to live alone with said cat whilst still having to look after my horse, do housework, cook dinner etc. And work a 25 hour week. My autism has been playing up and on at least one of my shifts I was working with someone being rude to me (as she always is) and I had to stand taking tickets for about 6 hours out of a 7.5 hour shift (45 mins of that shift was also my breaks) which did my back in again + not great for my mental health as it’s a very boring, very draining job.

I also had a 4DX shift last night in which I had to sit through a horror film (which I hate and I had such bad anxiety) I did get earplugs but they only dulled the noise and although I didn’t jump at any of the jump scares (which was a miracle in itself) I was still anxious the whole way through it. And whilst having a headache on that shift I kept getting sent to a department dealing with customers that I struggled with so bad.

Also the last 2 days one of the supervisors has been a bit of a prat and been very difficult to deal with which definitely doesn’t help the bad mood!

Then today I got a bit better sleep but still had to be up early and see to the horse and work another 7.5 hour shift, and I’d already had my yard manager post a passive aggressive post on our yard’s Facebook that was clearly aimed at me, bringing up something else from a couple weeks ago that she’d already asked me to do which I did right away as soon as I’d realised I’d forgotten... so already feeling a bit picked on, lacking sleep, and being made to do things I wasn’t entirely happy with but did them anyway...

I was on a floor shift today when half way through rude girl tells me I’m swapping onto snacks, which I checked with the supervisor because I wasn’t happy with the way she spoke to me. Then I ended up on snacks with a headache so avoided serving customers as much as I could, told everyone I had a headache so that’s why I was avoiding it, and got through most of the shift okay (rude girl came and went a lot and never once thanked me for holding doors open or anything else I did for her which was a bit annoying) then as I was 7 minutes away from finishing I locked my till and said I wasn’t serving any more customers was there any other jobs to do. 4 minutes left of my shift and I was left alone at the front of snacks so had to serve customers then as I was grabbing some nachos for them I happened to say to another girl on the other side of the counter “can you come back here and hop on a till ‘cause I finish in 3 minutes” to which she snapped at me “no I’m busy” then I was gonna leave it and go behind snacks to get someone else when she piped up (it was her tone that really got me) “if you’d said “(her name) can you please come back here so I can finish” I would have done it” and I said to her there was no need to be bitchy, then she went on by which point I wasn’t listening because I was so annoyed by her being rude (like I said it was the tone of voice that was the part that I was mad at) and all I heard was her say something about not letting her kids talk to her like that (still in a horrible tone) and I said something along the lines of “will you stop being so fucking rude to me” at which point another guy came through and got the shock of his life by my swearing, took over serving for me so I could go, then I went to the back of snacks to have a breather. Went to clock out and ended up telling the manager what happened and apologised for swearing in front of customers and said to him I knew I probably shouldn’t have snapped but was annoyed by how she spoke to me (which he understood/kinda agreed with). Then on the way out the guy on snacks shouted me over told me “you can’t swear in front of customers” and I had to say “I know” about 10 times because he wasn’t listening and then he eventually said “well clearly you don’t because you just did it” and then told me to control my emotions as if I hadn’t had a week of dealing with rude girl on most of my shifts as well as other rude people and had been holding everything in all fucking week. Then I told him I’d spoken to the manager and he still went on and on and rude girl was also there and said (in a really nasty tone) “I think you should just go home” like I wasn’t only there because they’d shouted me over and would have quite happily gone home. So I said that’s what I was doing and left, then struggled the whole way home not to cry, had a rant at my mum about it...

And the main reason my depression has been playing up recently already was that I feel a lot like an outsider, like I have no real friends and everyone at work just tolerates me, and I know they’re gonna have been bitching about me after I left and I feel like those people are gonna be extra awkward/rude to me at least for the next wee while... I have a supervisor’s leaving night on Sunday next week that I wasn’t sure about going to but now especially feel like I’m gonna be unwanted there by a lot of people, + I don’t know if those guys are gonna bitch to anyone else about me tonight and I just feel so ficking shitty like, if the girl had even just said “sorry I’m busy ask someone else” then come to me later and asked me to say please next time or something, and there wasn’t any need for the other 2 to shout me over and have a go at me afterwards especially after I told them I spoke to the manager... it’s all just unnecessary and I’m so sick of working with people who are rude to me constantly without any reason, and I’m sick of that girl having a chip on her bloody shoulder that everything is personal against her.

People just need to fuck off and I’m so angry and upset I don’t know how to deal with it 😴😡