#grievous bodily harm is a love language actually

[jckelly]

updated intro / jack 101

Is that JACK KELLY? Wow, they do look a lot like VAN MCCANN. I hear HE is an NINETEEN year old FRESHMEN who are studying AEROSPACE ENGINEERING  at Luxor University. Word is they are an ARISTOCRAT student. You should watch out because they can be PHILOPHOBIC and INSINCERE, but on the bright side they can also be WITTY and IMAGINATIVE. Ultimately, you’ll get to see it all for yourself. [YUNI, 21, GMT, SHE/HER]

 the other two got updated intros n rat man felt left out

basics

full name: jackson noel kelly 

nicknames: jack (does not answer to jackson)

date of birth: december 25, 2001

zodiac: capricorn sun, leo ascendant, sagittarius moon

nationality: dual uk and us citizenship

sexual orientation: straight but will try anything once

course: aerospace engineering

appearance

faceclaim: van mccann 

voiceclaim: van mccann

ethnicity: white (english, irish)

height: 5′8 / 173cm

weight: 58kg / 127lbs

eye colour: blue

hair colour: brown

distinctive features: freckles (many), left ear pierced, scars on his wrists usually covered by long sleeves, northern english accent

clothing preferences: jack prefers to only wear black, or at a push grey, although he’s slowly improving and will Occasionally mix it up with ... navy. his style is pretty basic, usually just a sweater, jeans, and beat up black converse or doc martens depending on how emo he’s feeling. the sheffield united hoodie makes an appearance every time someone forgets precisely which uk city jack is from. 

personality

overview

positive traits: witty, imaginative, perseverant, passionate

negative traits: philophobic, disloyal, insincere, callous

mbti: entp

religious beliefs: atheist

description

the first side most people see of jack is the side he wants you to see. a total asshole. it’s not an exaggeration - he’s pretty much infamous for flirting with everyone, dating anyone and as a serial cheater. he’ll actively try to worm his way into your life, and then just when you start to care, he does something to hurt you. he’s strangely persistent, probably helping him to push people even further, until they snap. there is nothing which satisfies him more than managing to wind people up to the extreme, get them to the point where they give up. adopted parents, friends, nobody is immune to this side - he even tries it on the people he genuinely cares about, as if just to see if he’ll still be able to push them away.

the second side, which most people don’t see, is that at heart jack is a kid. he’s the type of person to ask if owls have ears at 3am, or get some childlike joy out of dumb jokes. of course, this is the side nobody but a very small number of people see. and even if you do see it, it never lasts long. he keeps his true personality under wraps even amongst those he does like, and it only slips out if he’s extremely comfortable with you. otherwise, he’ll go straight back to being a sarcastic, flirty piece of shit.

biography

jackson noel kelly was born in hell on ironically christmas day to his father satan......

jk

jack and his older half brother finn were born in sheffield, united kingdom, to a single mother. a drug addict, she was notorious among social workers for neglecting her children and as a result jack shuffled between foster homes and his mother’s home during his first ten years of life, with finn, less than four years older than him, being his primary carer even when he was back with his birth family. this cycle finally ended when jack was ten and he was permanently removed from his mother’s care, and placed in the first of a series of foster homes which didn’t last particularly long.

the thing was, jack’s remarkably good at pushing people away when he wants to, and as he got older his talents only increased. running away, wreaking havoc, insulting anyone who tried to get close and anything else he could possibly think of meant that for three years he lasted no longer than eight months in any one place. in fact, he frequently took himself back to live with his birth family until social services came to drag him out again. this lifestyle continued until he was fostered by his now adopted parents, claire and george, at thirteen.

much to jack’s dismay, no matter of hell raising would push these newest set of parents away. in fact, they seemed absolutely set on raising him as Their Son, even as his attempts to get them off his back got more and more extravagant. they removed him from his previous school, transferred him to a fancy private school, put him in therapy and tried their best to help him get through all of the issues developed through his slightly fucked up childhood.

the thing was, jack loves his mother. he still refuses to see her as being in the wrong, no matter what people tell him or what he himself recalls, in his mind he has one mother and that’s his birth mother. so he did not take kindly to attempts by his foster parents to become his “new” family, because in jack’s mind? he already had a family. and even though they were actively encouraging him to continue contact with his brother, he couldn’t help but see them as trying to replace his birth family.

jack’s fifteenth year pretty much became the year when all of these issues finally came to a head. he was adopted legally by his foster parents, who had now been fostering him for two years - which should have been a happy occasion, but for jack represented the final loss, the final betrayal to his birth mother and brother. then shortly after his fifteenth birthday his brother went to prison at eighteen for grievous bodily harm, having glassed another boy after an argument.

of course, it would later be revealed that in actuality the assault had been committed by jack. and that finn was simply covering for him. (they looked alike enough that questions were not raised, it had happened so fast.) but in the eyes of jack’s adopted parents, finn was now a dangerous offender and jack had to be protected from him. so he was then isolated from his brother, his mother had relapsed and his continuous guilt over being adopted played on his mind, culminating in a suicide attempt in march 2017. 

of course, he wasn’t successful, but this was the final straw in the minds of his adopted parents. they felt jack needed a fresh start, away from the people who had defined his life prior to that point. so by his sixteenth birthday, jack had been moved to the united states to be near the family of his adopted mother, and subsequently enrolled in luxor academy. 

where he continued to be a menace :))

although it did appear, for some time, that jack was showing signs of improvement. sure, he was still wreaking havoc at luxor. but at home, he had calmed, even showing signs of affection to his adopted family. until his mother overdosed suddenly and died when jack was eighteen and things started to immediately go straight downhill again.

he can’t help but blame himself, for allowing himself to be moved. for the move being his fault, if he’s being honest. and if the honesty continues, jack’s got a whole lot of other stuff to blame on himself. (see: ruining his brother’s life.) so now he’s just taking shit out on everyone to try and make them a fraction as miserable as him. 

npc connections

birth fam

finn kelly / fc: jake bugg / b. may 10 1998 / taurus sun, gemini ascendant, pisces moon

finley, who also refuses to use his full name, is jack’s older brother - same mother, different father.  jack thinks he’s boring because he doesn’t raise hell with every opportunity. finn calls this “being a sane person.” went to prison for jack and regrets it. pastimes include crying over murakami books and trying to look shocked when jack tells him about the newest crisis he’s having. 

lauren kelly / fc: elena tonra / b. february 20 1983 - d. april 1 2020 / pisces sun, aries ascendant, leo moon

jack’s birth mother, who was still a teenager when he and finn were born. she was an on again, off again drug addict and had jack removed from her care when he was ten due to continued neglect. instilled in him a love for oasis and a hefty number of mental health issues. looked pretty much exactly like jack. 

jordan taylor / fc: alex turner / b. october 12 1984 / libra sun, leo ascendant, virgo moon

jack’s birth father, who he knows little about. not for lack of trying on his father’s part, who was prevented from seeing jack as a child by his birth mother and blocked from trying to make contact by jack’s refusal to interact. he keeps trying to message jack and jack is running out of daddy issues memes to respond with. finn thinks jack should give him a chance to redeem himself. jack thinks finn should fuck off. 

adopted fam

claire fielding / fc: julia roberts / b. may 12 1964 / taurus sun, cancer ascendant, leo moon

jack’s adopted mother. loves him very much and is convinced he is a sweet boy who just needs love and help. has written a memoir about adopting jack. jack is mad at her constantly. when he is not mad at her, he is embarrassed by her existence. honestly deserves better.

george fielding / fc: timothy olyphant / b. november 6, 1963 / scorpio sun, capricorn ascendant, virgo moon

is proud of jack, but very deep down underneath a strong layer of calling jack out on his bullshit. has some loud ass shouting matches with jack. also really wishes jack would sort his hair out and maybe not look like a cheap liam gallagher. jack honestly just winds him up constantly and he knows jack is doing it but goddamnit it’s so hard to not be mad at the little rat. 

other

maisie adeyemi / fc: yewande biala / b. january 6, 1997 / capricorn sun, sagittarius ascendant, aries moon

finn’s fiancee. her goal in life is to try to get jack to ruin finn’s life at least 70% less often. she has yet to achieve this goal. her love language is setting finn’s phone to silent when he goes to bed to stop jack from phoning in with some sort of random crisis at four in the morning because the little shit forgot timezones exist. finn will never find out. maisie is grateful that men have no brains. 

[cromulentbookreview]

NeverDarkGodsNightGraveDawn

Never flinch.

Never fear.

And never, ever forget.

Oh shit, I flinched. Sorry. Can we start over?

I’m a huge fan of Jay Kristoff’s collaborations with Amie Kaufman - The Illuminae Files and Aurora Rising are some of my most favorite books ever - so it seemed weird that I hadn’t read any of Kristoff’s other stuff. I’d heard of Nevernight (it’s kind of hard not to if you hand around on book twitter) and I had the first two books on my Kindle, I just hadn’t read them yet. When I snapped up the eARC of Darkdawn and thought to myself: maybe I should actually read these and see what all the fuss is about. People on the internet seem very, very passionate about their love for the Nevernight Chronicle, after all. 

Also, if there’s a nerdy bandwagon, I’m bound to join. I like to be included.

So - The Nevernight Chronicle! I just spent the past couple of weeks binge reading through all three books (yes, weeks, I’m slow, OK?), and...holy shit. Like. Really, holy shit. 

There is a pretty basic litmus test I’ve devised to determine whether or not someone will like The Nevernight Chronicle. If you want to know if you’ll like The Nevernight Chronicle, ask yourself this: do you like Game of Thrones? Does all the gory violence, graphic sex, and foul language of Game of Thrones not faze you? In fact, does it - gasp! - lend an aspect of realism to the fantastical setting? In fact, do you have a Game of Thrones shaped hole in your life right now now that the TV series has ended and the wait for The Winds of Winter seems endless? Well, then, I’ve the book series for you, Gentlefriends! There is less rape, incest and violence against women in these books, too! 

And if you want blood n’ guts n’ gore galore, you shall not be disappointed. Our protagonist, Mia Corvere, hardly goes five pages in any of the three books without stabbing or slashing or punching or otherwise causing someone some form of grievous bodily harm and/or death. While swearing. And smoking. And displaying a general bad attitude.

These books are definitely not for everyone. If you don’t like blood n’ guts n’ gore and foul language and snarky characters, then you won’t like The Nevernight Chronicle. That’s fine, you don’t have to read anything you don’t like and I’m not going to make you. 

You’re missing out, though. Seriously.

So! The Nevernight Chronicle! The three books are essentially the tale of the roaring rampage of revenge of a girl named Mia Corvere. When she was ten years old, her beloved father, Dairus Corvere, was hanged as a traitor to the Itreyan Republic. Counsel Julius Scaeva, leader of the republic, then had Mia’s mother and baby brother thrown in prison, where they later died. As for Mia, Scaeva had her put in a barrel to be thrown into a canal, but not before his lackey, Justicus Remus, brutally murders Mia’s beloved cat, Captain Puddles. RIP Captain Puddles, you deserved better even though you weren’t a real cat.

(What I imagine Captain Puddles would’ve been like, had he not been tragically murdered by a mad Australian).

Mia, of course, escapes the barrel, with the help of a living shadow taking the form of a cat, whom she names Mr. Kindly. She takes refuge with a foul-mouthed, foul-tempered shopkeep named Mercurio, who happens to be a member of a church of assassins. Once she’s old enough, Mia heads off to join the Red Church and become a blade (assassin) so that she can acquire the skills to get her revenge on Julius Scaeva. 

That’s the main plot of Nevernight, poorly explained and in a nutshell. I’ve mentioned before that I’m not big on assassin stories, but I enjoyed Nevernight mainly because both the writing and the characters were so full of snark. I’m willing to overlook a great deal if there’s a high level of snark involved.

Anyway! In the second book in the series, Godsgrave, Mia discovers that the Red Church and its cohort of assassins isn’t all that she thought it was, so she hatches the world’s most insane plan: she’ll sell herself into slavery, become a gladiatii, and fight her way to the ultimate championship where, if she wins, she’ll get a chance to murder both Scaeva and his partner-in-crime/frenemy, Cardinal Duomo, at the same time.

Of course nothing goes according to plan. Which leads us, finally, to book three: Darkdawn!

It’s tough reviewing the last book of a series if you’re not certain if anyone reading said review has read the first or second books*. I’m just going to proceed as if you’ve already read the books, because, otherwise, there’s a ton of shit I didn’t cover in those “in a nutshell” descriptions of Nevernight and Godsgrave. Like the whole Crown of the Moon thing, the conflict between the goddess Niah and god Aa, or the fact that Itreya has three suns and night only falls once every two and a half years. Or, really, anything about Mia and her Darkin powers or the nature of Mr. Kindly... 

But if you’re already a fan and are desperate for some Darkdawn details, you’re probably already eager for me to just get on with it already.

Right-o, then.

So, with all the worldbuilding and anticipation Kristoff built up with Nevernight and Godsgrave, does Darkdawn give us a satisfying conclusion to the story of Mia Corvere? 

O, yes, gentlefriend. 

Yes it does. 

It delivers all that and more. I wonder just how much preparation Kristoff put into these books because every lingering question you have from the first two books is answered. You’re not left hanging.

Yes, basically.

And, let us not forget, that this one of those series where the author promised on page 1 that Mia would die. And thanks to Jay “Meet Your New Favorite Oh Wait They’re Dead” Kristoff, there are plenty of moments in Darkdawn that feel as a little something like this:

Darkdawn absolutely lives up to all the promises made in the first two books - there’s plenty of action, plenty of blood and violence and tastefully written smut. And footnotes!** The book starts right where we left off in Godsgrave - no weird time-jumps, no flash-forwards followed by flashbacks like the first two books, we begin with Mia immediately after the Magni. 

After the maps and Dramatis Personae, of course.

In all honesty, though, there’s not much I can say without spoiling everything. But if you’re a fan of the books, rest assured, you will not be disappointed. Everything you’ve been wanting out of a finale for this series you get. Answers, action, pirates, stabbings, sexytimes, pools full of a God’s blood, angry camels, undead ex-lovers, eye gouging, treks across the Ashkahi Whisperwastes, cigarillo smoke, Mr. Kindly and Eclipse bitching at each other, and, you guessed it, more stabbings! Because this is the grand finale of Nevernight we’re talking about. Truedark is here, people. Prepare yourselves!

You are in for one hell of a book.

Oh, hey, by the way: are you aware that the Nevernight Chronicle is not YA? Because, even though it’s very popular with the YA crowd and Kristoff does write other books that are YA, Nevernight is not YA. As Jay Kristoff will tell you, over and over and over and over and over again, it’s not. These are adult books for intended for adults. It’s why, when I go to Powell’s, I find them in the Gold Room, not the Rose Room. If you are an adult with teenage children and you don’t want them reading Nevernight, well, then, you need to do a better job of policing their reading material. You’re the adult in this situation, after all.

To review: if you don’t want your children reading certain books, whose responsibility is it? Mine? No. Yours? Absolutely. And if your kids start checking out forbidden books behind your back to read on the sly, well...that’s your problem. It’s not the librarian’s problem, or the bookseller’s problem and it is most certainly not Jay Kristoff’s problem either. Ask yourself: why does my kid want to read these books so bad that they’re willing to go behind my back? Perhaps its the allure of the forbidden combined with teenage rebellion? 

Seriously, my parents never policed what I read, and I turned out just fine. In fact, the only thing my unhindered book consumption led to was a master’s degree in Library Science and a dumb tumblr blog. Don’t worry, neither of these conditions are fatal. I knew kids in Junior High who were reading Stephen King books and, gasp shock, they turned out fine. None of those kids who read It at that age started killing children in rural Maine while dressed as a clown. I’m sure most teens who read Nevernight won’t immediately start smoking cigarillos and run off to join an assassin school, either. Calm the fuck down.

Also, you should watch Black Books. 

Back to the review - if this can even be considered a “review” anymore - if I have any complaints about the Nevernight Chronicle it has mostly to do with the world itself. How are there still colors? How can you have color in a world with three - three! - suns? How does everything not immediately become sun-bleached? I mean, with three suns there must be a massive amount of high energy photons pouring down from the sky all the damn time, and eventually violet and ultraviolet light will disrupt chromophore bonds and, well, bleaching anything of color. I mean, American flags on the moon turned into white rectangles pretty quick (before being destroyed by time and being on the moon, of course) and I’ve had to learn the hard way not to shelve books in front of my window, even though there’s shelf space right below said window and it looks real nice and oh shit what happened to all these books’ covers??

Luke Skywalker should be careful staring at those two suns.

Also, how would anyone still have milk pale skin in a world with three suns? Wouldn’t everyone’s skin be much darker? I mean, for all the time Mia spends out under the suns without a hat, she should have freckles. Or melanoma. In fact, everyone in Itreya should have melanoma. And white hair. My hair turns several shades lighter every summer. How can Mia have black hair? Also, having black hair in a world with three suns sounds super uncomfortable. Three suns? Jesus, I’m super pale and have a hard enough time under the one. I’ve got seasonal freckles. Seriously, they appear during the Summer then fade away in the Fall. I got sunburned just reading about Itreya’s three suns. Granted, I was reading the books while outside, sitting under a tree and then the tree’s shadow moved with the sun and I didn’t...

And! AND! How would anyone be able to see? How would you even survive being exposed to that much sunlight? How can albinos like Adonai and Marielle even exist in a world with three suns???

See, this is what happens when I start thinking of things in terms of science when I should just be like “you know what, it’s a story, I’m just going to sit back and enjoy it.”

Also, who am I kidding, Library Science isn’t a real science.

RECOMMENDED FOR: fans of violent, foul-mouthed teenage assassins who solve their problems by stabbing them; people who don’t mind a bit of gore followed by some smut followed by snark followed by more gore.

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR: If you don’t fall into any categories mentioned in the “recommended for” you should probably read something else.

OVERALL SERIES RATING: 4.5/5 (minus .5 for all those times you get your heart ripped out)

DARKDAWN U.S. RELEASE DATE: September 3, 2019

VERY ACCURATE MIA CORVERE GIF: 

CAT RATING:

* Ahahahaha no one reads this blog, I’m kidding myself.

**All those bitching about the use of footnotes in the Nevernight Chronicle should check out Susanna Clarke’s amazing Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell. She has footnotes that go on for entire pages. She has entire plotlines living in those footnotes! The footnotes in Strange and Norrell make Nevernight’s footnotes look like citations in a high school book report. 

Also, if you don’t like the footnotes, go with the audiobook. The narrator (Holter Graham) manages to blend the footnotes into the narration in a way that kind of freaked me out at first because I just started listening to the audio, and didn’t realize the books even had footnotes. This is what I get for not even bothering to flip through a physical copy of the books before starting the audiobook at work***

***Inappropriate places to listen to the Nevernight audiobook: work. Especially during the scenes featuring sexytimes. I was wearing headphones, but still!