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i-may-have-a-point · 7 years

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Review of 14x10 “Personal Jesus”

So many people were fantastic in this episode, but my review mainly focuses on April’s story as she is the one I connect with the most.

“In a course of one day, Job received four messages with separate news that his livestock, servants, and ten children had all died. He continued to be a faithful servant. He praised God. He persevered. Job’s faith was tested, and he passed the test. And for his faith God rewarded Job with twice what he had before.”

There is an idea in many circles of Christianity that has been perpetuated for years. To really be a Christian, you must prove yourself. You follow all the rules, you stay as far from all forms of sin as possible, and you never question the teachings of the Bible. If you can do those things, and do them well, then maybe you will be a good enough Christian.

April Kepner was taught those same ideas. She grew up believing, knowing, that God is the answer for all of life’s difficulties. All she needed to do was to believe in him and follow his teachings, and life would go according to plan.

Except it didn’t.

It didn’t go according to plan in that hotel room in San Francisco when her feelings for her best friend contradicted everything she had learned about sex and virtue. For the first time in her life, she stopped following the straight path that was laid before her. She took a detour and found, that if she let it, life could be fuller and hold more joy than she ever imagined.

And it was. For a moment.

But the guilt and shame that come from being taught your whole life that good Christians don’t sin quickly caught up with her, and her unshakeable pillar of faith swayed just enough to crack the surface.

Christians fail, though. She knew that. She only needed to ask forgiveness and to reaffirm her faith, and eventually she did. The on-call room escapades stopped, and she grounded herself again, back on the right path. She would work harder at being a better doctor, a better person, a better Christian and eventually, God would reward her.

And the she met Matthew, who was seemingly everything she ever wanted. A kind, handsome man who was strong in his faith and loved her completely. Her world had been set right. Except for that quiet spark, deep in her soul that yearned for more. She heard it in still moments. It would whisper to her that there is more to life than settling for what you are “supposed” to do. She continued to silence that nudging voice, until the day she was supposed to marry Matthew, and the voice became a roar. It was so loud that it was all she could hear as she turned from the altar and ran from the church with Jackson, terrified and overjoyed all at once.

Her faith shook once more, unsure that she had made the right choice, but then peace came.

God had brought her happiness. She married Jackson, they were expecting a baby, and all was right with the world. Until it wasn’t. Until she was given an unimaginable test. Her child was sick, and no medicine in the world could cure him. She held her son and watched him take his last breath. She had no explanation. She prayed for a miracle. Her whole life she had been taught to be faithful and obedient and God would answer her prayers. Yet he didn’t. And this ripped a hole in her faith so large that it could never fully close.

The hole grew as she traveled to Jordan searching for healing, but she lost her marriage instead. Jackson was her rock. He was one of the few people in her life who had ever truly believed in her. Losing him made the hole grow bigger.

Oh, but Harriet. Harriet is her strength. Her reason to keep going. Her light in the darkness.

But she is still hurting. She has to ask herself, how can someone like her, a good Christian, face so much pain? And why would a loving, caring God allow one of his followers to suffer when he could prevent it all?

This season has been building to April being forced to look at her life and the decisions she has made, and this episode is a turning point in that journey.

April walked in to season 14 with a broken spirit when she told Jackson that what they were doing was causing her pain. Her heart was broken over Jackson, and things only got harder from there. All season, she was repeatedly reminded of Samuel, Jordan, leaving Matthew at the altar, losing Jackson, and her insecurities as a doctor.

Like Job, she has been tested. Job lost everything that was dear to him, and yet he still kept his faith. He was patient because he knew that, no matter what, God was with him. April did the same. Through her trials, she kept believing in God and his grace. Until today, when all of her struggles and all of her failures were placed in her path at once.

Paul is brought in as a hit and run victim and April treats him, while Meredith, Jo, and Alex discuss how best to handle the situation. Mer goes into the room to check on Paul’s status, and tells April not to kill him. “You really can’t lose him.” April is constantly being told she is not as good as Meredith, but this is not actually a moment of Meredith distrusting April’s abilities as a doctor. Mer tells her she can’t lose him because she is afraid Jo and Alex will be charged with murder. Unfortunately, April doesn’t know that, and it comes across as Mer doubting her. We see that when April calls after her, “Thanks for the vote of confidence!” Once again, April feels that she is not good enough.

Because she is so trusting, she thought that Webber had asked her to run the contest because she is a good leader. She soon finds out it was simply so he could compete, and now, she is missing out on a great surgical opportunity. This is another small reminder that she is still not valued as a surgeon in her peers’ eyes.

She doesn’t have time to dwell on that, though, because Karen Tayler is very pregnant and will not make it to Labor and Delivery before her baby is born. So, April steps in for Robbins, delivering the baby who turns out to be Matthew’s daughter. It seems that Matthew, the man she left at the altar, has the happy life she dreamed of, and she is forced into a front row seat to witness it. She is happy for him, though. He deserves happiness, and this is reassurance that she made the right decision leaving him. He is happy. Even if she isn’t.

(Side note: Arizona claims she didn’t tell April that she was treated Matthew’s wife because of HIPPA. Arizona sure didn’t care about HIPPA when she told Jackson that April was pregnant.)

Deluca drives the pain in a little deeper by telling April that Matthew’s wife is just like her. At this point she is visibly frustrated, but she spots Jackson and heads over to him, knowing he will understand. They have an adorable exchange about the embarrassment of treating Matthew’s wife as well as the contest. April tries to get Jackson to take back the contest, which he unbeknownst to her, created. He, of course, says no, and we get our first hint that this contest is going to be big for both of them.

Their conversation is cut short as April has another incoming trauma. A twenty-year-old man tried to cut off his own hand because he couldn’t stop masturbating, and according to his interpretation of the Bible, this was the only logical thing to do. This patient is a message directly for April, but also for the audience. The Bible is a book of stories that has wonderful teaching and morality lessons. However, in no way should we interpret what it says literally at all times. It has been translated countless times and was written by human hands. Fallible human hands. It is a guide book and not a how-to manual.

The next trauma is another sign for April that God doesn’t always intervene, even when he can. Eric, a twelve-year-old boy, was shot by a police officer climbing in the window of his own house. Jackson and Bailey are visibly angered by this, as things like this happen too often in our country. He is an innocent child who was shot for no reason other than the officer’s assumption he was a criminal based on the color of his skin. April does not have personal experience with this, but she can see the cruelty and unfairness of the situation. She jumps in to help and the weight of the day’s injustices begin to weigh heavily on her.

Like Jo tells Jenny, “The good outweighed the bad. Until it didn’t.”

Everywhere April looks she sees bad. Paul, Karen and Matthew, Eric, Jackson, her career. But she still has faith, and she tries to explain that to the guy who attempted to cut off his hand. “God doesn’t tempt us beyond our ability. He doesn’t give us more than we can handle.” And one of my favorite lines, “When God created the world, he also created metaphors.”

The only problem with this is that God does give people more than they can handle, and April is feeling that right about now.

Eric’s family arrives and April watches as his parents and Jackson have to fight for him to be treated as a child, a human. How could these cops, who swear to uphold justice, clearly be so wrong?

She exchanges a silent look with Jackson, a look that holds so much tension and unspoken thoughts, but Karen Taylor is in pain, and she is pulled away again before she can decide to speak.

Karen has a blood clot on her vagina, and April finds herself in the embarrassing situation of having to drain the blood clot off of her ex-fiance’s wife’s vagina. Talk about humbling. But that’s okay, because as Karen reminds her, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.”

This message is repeated for April because she is feeling overwhelmed with sorrow, but her Christian upbringing has taught her she is suffering this much for a reason. God is teaching her something, and she just has to be patient, like Job.

During Eric’s MRI, April hears about the discrimination Jackson faced from police and she realizes there are things she doesn’t know about Jackson, but again, she doesn’t have a moment to get deeper into what he tells her because she is paged back to Karen Taylor.

Karen is still waiting for a room, and she ends up catching up with Matthew while they wait. She gets to hear all about how Karen is the love of his life. Even after April hurt him so much, he found something better. “She the love of my life, you know? Of course you know. You have that with Jackson.” In that moment, we all heard April’s heart break. Jackson is the love of her life, but she feels that she failed in that, too. Instead of telling this to Matthew, she pretends to be happy. At least something good came from her leaving him. God gave Matthew a great life and she doesn’t want to take away from that. But that happiness is hard to fake when Matthew says, “I heard from the pastor that you were pregnant. So, you have, what a three-year-old now?” Samuel. He would have been three had he lived. “I had – I have – We have Harriett. We have a beautiful daughter named Harriett. She’s one. She is the light of my life.” And the love that April has for her daughter is heard in the emotion that comes through in that line. Harriet is her life at this point.

Matthew is happy for her. “So, it worked out perfectly for both of us, didn’t it? God used that pain and turned it into something beautiful. Guess he knew what he was doing all along.”

He returns to his wife, and April’s face falls as she walks away.

Karma reaches Paul’s room as he injures himself in his angry fit, causing a head injury that leads to him being brain dead. Can’t say I’m sad. Jo is told that she gets to make the call on what to do with Paul. Her reaction from laughter to tears was perfect. And the way she reached out for Alex’s face for support and relief was everything.

Robbins finally shows up to help April with Karen who is in extreme pain just as Eric crashes.

April, Jackson, and Bailey get him to the O.R., and Bailey tells April they can take it from there. April backs away feeling helpless, only to turn back to run into Karen’s O.R. She is shamed as usual by her co-workers, and she is overcome with guilt. Maybe she isn’t a good enough doctor. Maybe she did something wrong. Did she cause this like she caused all the other bad things in her life?

In this time of despair, she turns to the only source of strength she can think of – God. She heads to the chapel to pray for her patients, only to find an angry Matthew. He leaves her, and she sits, beginning to pray for healing and good, but the words of the prayer fail her. She hears no answer. And all she can do is cry.

Cry for Karen, whose body is failing her when her child and husband need her the most.

Cry for Eric’s family, who have to bury their child way too early.

Cry for Jackson, who has to live with bias in his life every day because of his skin color.

Cry for a system that has failed. A system that is supposed to be good. “How am I supposed to have any faith in a system like that?”

Cry for Ben and Bailey who have to explain their son how not to get killed by the police.

And she cries because she has no answer for the patient who questions his own faith.

“Then tell me what to do! If I can’t trust this, if the word of God is just a bunch of stories, what does anything mean? What is any of this even for?”

And that’s the question April cannot answer. That is the questions that brings her faith tumbling to the ground. What is the meaning of a new mother dying and leaving her daughter motherless? What is the meaning of a twelve-year-old boy being murdered outside his house? What is the meaning of her son, Samuel, dying? What is the meaning of her marriage to Jackson ending? What is any of this for?

She has spent her life being good because that is what she is supposed to do as Christian, or so she believed. But why? So she can die with no explanation one day? So she can experience suffering and loss over and over again? So she can watch good people suffer daily? Why is she trying so hard to be good when God allows these terrible things to happen? Why isn’t he doing anything? Because if he is not going to intervene, then there is no reason to try to live this perfect life. There is no point to any of this.

“My God, My God, why have you forsaken me? Job asked the question, too. But he kept the faith. And what did he get for it? Replacement children. PTSD. Was it worth it, to be a faithful servant? Or would it have been better to just curse God’s name from the beginning? Where was God throughout all of Job’s suffering? He was winning a bet with Satan. Makes you wonder where he is through all of the unfairness and inequity and cruelty in the world. Where is he now?”

To April, God has forsaken her. She was a good and faithful servant. She was patient. And it got her nothing. So, she is done being faithful. We saw the pain on her face as she drank herself numb at the bar and as she stood in the shower, desperate to wash off the pain of the day, the light in her eyes burnt out. This is where April’s journey begins.

Her decision to let Vik in the shower had nothing to do with love or lust. It was just one more thing to numb the pain. She sees no reason to continue to always do the right thing because it has gotten her nothing. She is alone and broken, and those feelings will guide her decisions from now on. So stop saying that the show made April a slut or that this decision was out of character. The character we know as April is not the one who made this decision. This decision was made by a woman who feels abandoned and lost. This decision reflects her hope leaving. I agree that April only having been with Jackson was beautiful, but calling her a slut perpetuates the idea that women, particularly Christian women, should be shamed for having multiple partners. April has felt that shame her whole life. That statement would never be made about Jackson, or any other character on the show for that matter, and April should be given the same grace.

But as Sarah said, this story is not over. Job’s story did not end in the middle of his pain. It ended with him being rewarded with twice as much as he had before. I believe that is where April’s story will end, too. She will come full circle and find her faith and happiness again, so don’t be angry at the turn of events in this episode. Just wait for the moment that forces April to feel again. The moment that forces her to stop being numb. That is the moment when everything will change for the better. Because even though April was reminded over and over again that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle, that’s just not true. He does. He gives us so much to handle that we need to turn to him for help and answers. April knows this, but in this moment, she doesn’t believe it. But she will find her faith again. Good things are coming for April, and I still believe for Japril as well.

#grey's anatomy #14x10 #japril #give sarah drew all the awards

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youovercomeit · 8 years

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Hold On, I Still Need You

AO3

Longing doesn't even begin to describe the feeling. It's going to be a torturous five years, but Clarke is nothing if not stubborn and she's definitely not one to back down from a challenge. She opens to the next page of the notebook and writes it down - 1825.

1825 days until they get to start living for themselves. Together.

Bring it on, Praimfaya.

Clarke

It's really happening. They know Praimfaya is coming - everyone has been frantically preparing for weeks now. Solution after solution has been discovered and then rendered useless before their eyes. It's a miracle they've found the resolve to keep going for this long, knowing it could all still be for nothing. After everything they've been through - everything they've sacrificed - the world that they fought so hard to find continues to test them at every turn.

Finally, the day has arrived and they are getting ready to leave. Clarke, Bellamy, Raven, Monty, Harper, Murphy, Emori, and Echo (at Roan's request - can't let Skaikru do anything on their own, of course) are heading back to Becca's island to do something that still seems absurd to Clarke.

They're going back to space.

The Nightblood solution seems to be working - the increased levels of radiation have been claiming fewer lives since most of the population has been treated, but they can't be sure how long the effects will last. Raven and Abby had gone up in the rocket to make the first few batches of Nightblood, but they need to make a lot more to be able to re-treat everyone in case the effects are temporary.

They decided that Abby and Jackson need to stay behind with those in the bunker - five years with a single doctor seems like a bit of a stretch - so Raven will take point on the Nightblood production. Abby has gone over it with Clarke at length, and she feels confident that between the two of them, they can do this.

Clarke spent so much of her free time on the Ark - and especially in the Skybox - poring over medical journals and old textbooks, and she was a constant presence in medical with her mother. If Abby can't make the trip, Clarke is undoubtedly the next best option. Bellamy had started picking up some of the process as well, since he never seems to stray too far from her side these days. It's nice to have someone to share this burden, too.

Clarke had never breathed such a sigh of relief as she did on the day they discovered that bunker. Leave it to Jaha - the man who has been the cause of so much anguish for these people - to be the one to discover it. He had been out roaming the countryside day after day, convinced that there was something they were missing, until he had finally found it.

It's large enough to house the remaining Arkadians, as well as the grounders who could be convinced that the world was ending. However, many remain too suspicious of Skaikru and their claims and refuse to confine themselves to a bunker with them for half a decade.

Clarke told herself that she would save everyone she can, but if these people don't want to be saved, there isn't much she can do about it. There's no time left for speeches, for trying to unite the people and save everyone. They have to keep looking ahead if they want any real shot at seeing this thing through.

She's packing the last of their gear into the rover with Harper, Murphy, and Emori while Raven and Monty go over the tech one last time, making sure they have everything they need before they leave. Glancing over her shoulder, Clarke sees Roan and Echo conversing privately, stoic and focused as always.

Clarke wasn't thrilled about Echo accompanying them, but when she and Roan sealed their alliance with blood, she had agreed that his people mattered as much as hers, and she knew he could be asking for a lot more than he was. Stubborn as he is, she's going to miss his constant goading and eye rolling. Clarke doesn't know what it feels like to have an older brother, but she imagines it's something like this.

On the other side of the camp, Bellamy, Kane, and Abby have been talking for a few minutes. Going over the plan one last time, Clarke assumes. It's strange to see them together and talking so comfortably - Abby took a long time to warm up to Bellamy, but Mount Weather, ALIE and the work they've done leading up to the end of the world had changed her opinion of him. Clarke can tell that her mother had grown to respect Bellamy the way Kane always seemed to. He always had faith in the person Bellamy was, despite his mistakes.

A small smile creeps onto her face when she thinks about their first few weeks on the ground, about how different they all were back at the dropship. Even then, she knew that Bellamy was the kind of person they needed to be able to survive this world.

They may have had differing opinions about how things should be handled back then (okay, fine - they clashed like crazy), but it worked for them. He pushed her to look past her logical ideas, and she helped him become more than a charismatic speaker and impulsive decision maker.

They even each other out, keep each other focused. Clarke knows she wouldn't be here and in one piece without him.

He must have noticed her looking their way, because he's smiling over towards her as Kane continues talking. It makes her heart jump a little to see him smile - these moments are rare and precious when it comes to Bellamy, and she feels like she's lucky that she gets to experience them more than most people.

She notices Kane shaking Bellamy's hand, much the same way he did that day in Polis as they set off for Arkadia to find a solution before their six months were up. So many things have changed since then, but Kane's unshakable faith in Bellamy's ability to be a leader of his people hasn't.

As Kane walks back to the bunker, and Bellamy is left alone to talk with Abby, Clarke refocuses on her task. Harper hands Murphy the last of the supplies, and Clarke looks to Raven to make sure they have everything.

"Good to go by our count," Raven says, nodding towards Monty. "We're ready to get on the road whenever you are."

"Sounds good - I'll let Bellamy know and say goodbye to my mom," Clarke replies, making her way towards Abby and Bellamy. She notices Abby's hands squeezing Bellamy's arms as she gets closer. Bellamy nods and Abby smiles before both turn to Clarke.

"We're just about ready to go if you are. Should be able to get there before dark with the way you drive," she jokes with a smirk, trying to lighten the mood that threatens to smother them all.

"Hey, I'm not the one who almost drove a truck carrying all the rest of the world's hydrazine into a ditch. But if you'd rather me copilot, driver's seat is all yours," he laughed, and she rolls her eyes. "I'll make sure everyone is ready to head out as soon as you get back - take your time."

"Thanks, be there soon," she nods, turning a little too slowly to her mother as he walked away.

Abby glances at Bellamy before looking to Clarke, eyes full of love, full of pride, full of worry, and maybe something else she can't quite put her finger on. Her mother's expression is so sad and so hopeful at the same time, she knows Abby is trying not to make this any harder on her than it already is, but five years apart is going to take a toll on both of them. Clarke wraps her arms around her, burying her nose in her mother's hair and lets out a shaky breath.

"You can do this, Clarke. We're all going to get through this," Abby declares, confident, squeezing Clarke tightly before pulling back. "The bunker will keep us safe until you're all able to get back here with more Nightblood. We've made it this far - we can do this too."

Clarke nods, feigning strength and surety when she wants nothing more than to give up. How is Abby always so good at holding onto hope in the face of such insurmountable odds? Through everything, Abby has persevered. Kept herself and everyone else moving forward. Clarke knows she needs to do that now, to draw strength from her mother and use it to get them through this separation.

She furrows her brow as her father's face pops into her head, feeling worried about losing another parent, and wishing he was here to tell her everything would be okay. He was always great at inspiring confidence - a beacon of hope in dark times.

Like she can hear her thinking out loud, Abby reaches for her, gently stroking her thumb over the back of Clarke's hand.

"He'd be so proud of you, you know. Of everything you've done down here. Everything you're going to do. Neither of us ever wanted any of this for you, but everything happens for a reason. You're so strong, Clarke, and wise beyond your years. We all have a fighting chance because of what you've accomplished on the ground. None of us would be here without you."

Abby's eyes are full of tears, sad smile threatening to break her as she reaches into her pocket, pulling out the necklace holding her wedding ring, and Jake's. She extends her hand out to Clarke.

"Take these with you - we might not be able to see each other for the next five years, but at least this way we'll still be together. All of us." Abby smiles, placing the necklace in Clarke's palm. "I had planned to give these to you under different circumstances, but I think you should have them now."

Clarke is stunned - she had noticed her mother wasn't wearing her wedding ring or her father's around her neck when she returned from Polis, but she didn't think it was her place to pry. Abby and Marcus were clearly very devoted to each other, if she hadn't noticed before, it was made obvious after Clarke defeated ALIE. Clarke had just assumed the rings were lost or forgotten. She stares down at them, the metal cool against her skin, and closes her eyes for a moment before looking back up at her mother.

"I just hope that someday you'll get to live the life you deserve. One where you don't always have to worry about saving everyone else. I want you to be as happy as your father and I were - to be able to live and love and worry only about yourself. I want these rings to symbolize for you what they always have for me. Your father would want that for you too."

Tears falling down her cheeks, Clarke squeezes the rings, nodding slowly. "Hopefully someday we'll all get that. I'm really happy for you though, mom. I don't want you to have to face this alone - I'm glad Marcus is here for you. That he makes you happy, that you'll have someone to take care of you too. Our people will make it through this because they have you two."

"And you'll all get through this too - you and Bellamy will make sure of that. The two of you can make it through anything." Abby says it as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

Clarke freezes for a second, feeling like the air has been sucked from her lungs, before she realizes her mother is right. She and Bellamy have overcome the impossible more times than she cares to remember. They may have made mistakes along the way, but so has everyone else. No matter what they go through, they always end up finding their way back to each other, and finding their way out of the dark, side by side.

She must be blushing, because Abby leans in to whisper "He cares about you too, you know. More than you realize." Clarke's eyes shoot up. "I'm glad you won't have to face this alone either. No matter what happens, Bellamy will always be there for you, in every way you allow him to be. He's good for you, Clarke," Abby smiles, genuine.

"Mom, I..." Clarke struggles to find the words. "I don't know how to do this again. Not now. Not with every day so uncertain."

Abby reaches up and holds Clarke's cheek in her hand, "You'll figure it out - you always do. I trust your judgment, and I know Bellamy does too. And you're right, there's no telling what tomorrow will bring, Maybe that's reason enough to live for today."

Clarke smiles, still unsure, but the realization that every day could be their last has never been clearer in her mind. "Thanks, mom. For everything." She leans in for one more tearful hug, embracing Abby like it's the last time she'll ever get to do this. For all she knows, it may be. "May we meet again," she whimpers, clutching tighter.

They pull apart and Abby reaches up to wipe a tear away from Clarke's cheek. "We will. Please be safe. I love you so much, Clarke."

"I love you too mom." Clarke manages, barely, putting on a brave face, as she turns and heads back for the rover.

She tries her best to compose herself before joining her friends for the journey to the island, eyes only a little puffy as she opens the door to the passenger seat and settles herself next to Bellamy, ready to get this over with once and for all.

"You ok, Clarke?" Bellamy wonders, quietly, as she lets out a pained sigh. She looks over at him, the look of genuine concern clear as day on his face. He reaches over and puts his hand over hers where it's fidgeting on her thigh, squeezing gently, a steadying force in her life, as always.

Of course he would be worried about her at a time like this, when the world is ending and they're running off into the unknown once again. There are a million and one other things to be worried about right now, but he's looking at her like nothing else matters more in this moment. Her mother's words play on repeat in her head, and she nods.

"I think I will be."

And she hasn't been this sure of anything in all her time on the ground.

-----

They ride in companionable silence most of the way to the harbor - Harper and Monty curled up shoulder to shoulder, Murphy and Emori joking back and forth, Raven studying Becca's journal and all the notes she, Jackson, and Abby had written on the Nightblood process.

Echo, of course, just sits at the back of the rover glaring at all of them, and Clarke wonders why she even agreed to come on this trip if she couldn't trust a single one of them. Well, she claims to trust Bellamy, but they've learned that there's only so much truth to that. The only thing she is ever truly loyal to is Azgeda. She's here to make sure that no matter what, nobody forgets that her people are part of this equation too. Would it kill her to be a little friendlier about it?

Clarke rolls her eyes and focuses back on the road, glancing over to Bellamy to make sure he's still alert. She knows he hasn't been sleeping much, but none of them really has - she just can't help but worry a little extra about him.

He notices, of course. "I'm fine, Clarke. We're almost to the harbor and then I'm off driving duty anyway."

"Just making sure you're still awake. Don't want you driving us into a ditch on the way to the end of the world or anything," she quips, always finding it easier to have light moments where Bellamy's concerned.

"Woah, I'm not the one with a track record of off-roading. Guess we should have spent more time practicing before letting you drive the truck with the rocket fuel, huh?" He grins as he pokes an elbow in her direction, nudging her arm.

Clarke shakes her head, her laugh a low rumble as she thinks to herself how much she wishes they had spent more time alone in the rover, teaching her to drive or otherwise. How she wishes they'd spent more time doing a lot of things.

"Okay, eyes on the road there, buddy. Let's get to that boat in one piece."

They arrive at the harbor and transfer all their gear from the rover into Emori's boat, thankful to be nearly at their destination. Once the boat is loaded, Murphy and Emori head to the bridge and start the engine while everyone else takes a seat on the deck. The journey isn't too long, but any rest they can get is welcome at this point. Clarke finds herself shoulder to shoulder with Bellamy, eyes fluttering shut occasionally as she tries to stay awake.

He wraps an arm around her, pulling her a little closer to him so her head can rest against his shoulder, leaning his head into hers. She could get used to this, she thinks. If only the world wasn't coming to an end. Again.

"Close your eyes for a little, Clarke," he whispers, running a hand up and down her arm. "Better get the sleep while we can. I'll wake you up when we get there."

She sighs, leaning into him as his arm tightens around her. "You should sleep too," she murmurs, eyes already closed, breathing evening out. "Just for a little."

He does.

Clarke awakens to Raven's boot shaking her back to consciousness. She looks up and Raven gives her a knowing smirk, glancing back and forth between Clarke and Bellamy.

"Rise and shine - time to go save the world, kids," Raven announces, turning to gather a backpack and some other gear, shooting a wink over her shoulder at Clarke, who sends back a glare.

Bellamy grumbles and stretches, and Clarke thinks this may have been the most sleep he's had at once in weeks. She extricates herself from his arms and pushes herself to her feet, reaching her hand out to help him up. She stumbles a little as he pulls himself up, landing against his chest. He quickly rights them, quirking an eyebrow before releasing her.

"Thanks for the help," he chuckles, smiling and reaching for some gear to load into his pack, slinging his rifle over his shoulder. "Ready for a hike?"

She sends a nod his way as she stuffs her pack with supplies. Their last hike through the woods for five years. Seems a little bittersweet - they've been running for so long, she should be excited for a change of pace, but she just feels...uneasy.

Raven, impatient as ever and ready to "just save the world, already" yells from across the dock, "If you two want to take your time that's fine, but the rest of us would like to get out of here before a wave of radiation burns us up. We'll meet you at the lab." She waves and they all head out, leaving Clarke and Bellamy alone on the boat to gather the rest of their gear.

Clarke glances over to Bellamy, who just shakes his head with a grin and continues giving the boat a final once-over to make sure they didn't miss anything.

She hops off the boat and waits for him at the middle of the dock. The sun has started its descent, sky just beginning to turn orange, and not a cloud in sight. It's beautiful, and she wishes she had more opportunity to appreciate it over the course of these months on the ground. The reflection of the tall pine trees on the calm, rippling water adds to the serenity of the moment, and she can't help but smile, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, committing everything to memory. Something good to hold onto for the next five years.

Footsteps approach from her left. She exhales slowly, turning her head to meet his eyes and he smiles back at her, stopping at her side to look out over the water with her.

"Beautiful isn't it?" She says, smiling, and he nods. "It sucks that we have to give up things like this as soon as we get them. I wish there was more time. I'd love to know what it's like to live in this world when it isn't coming to an end. I dreamed about moments like this my entire life on the Ark. I'd draw them every chance I got, but I never imagined the real thing could be this...breathtaking."

He's quiet, so she glances over to find him studying her, pensive. She cocks her head to the side, brow furrowed with concern. "You okay?"

Bellamy nods, "Yeah, I just wish there was more time too. There's so much I wanted to do, and going back to space was definitely not on my bucket list when I snuck on the dropship." He turns to face her fully. "But it's not forever, Clarke. Five years and the Earth should be survivable again. Five years and we get to come home to our people, our families. To finally do the things we always dreamed we would." It does funny things to her stomach every time he says "we."

She doesn't hate it.

Clarke tips her chin down, chucking lightly, "Bellamy Blake still has hope, even after everything we've been through since we learned the world was ending - again. Look how far we've come since we landed." She looks back up to find the fondest expression on his face, and she knows she's seen it before, knows what's coming next.

"We're still breathing - that much hasn't changed," he says with a smile that sends her heart into orbit. She reaches into her pocket, pulling out the necklace with her parents' wedding rings and enclosing them tightly in her hand.

"What's that?" He wonders, and she brings her hand up, opening it to expose the two rings and silver chain.

"My mom gave these to me before we left - her wedding ring and my dad's," a tinge of sadness in her voice, but she continues, "She said she wanted me to have them so that even while we're apart, part of us will still be together. Said she wanted me to have them under different circumstances, but I guess the end of the world called for yet another change of plans."

Bellamy laughs softly, his gaze dropping to the ground for a moment. "Yeah, she told me that too."

Clarke's eyes shoot up, a puzzled look on her face. "What? She told you she was giving these to me? Is that what you two were talking about when I walked over?" Bellamy nods, "What else did she tell you?"

He hesitates and Clarke implores him to continue, gently, "Bellamy?"

Letting out a shaky breath, "She worries about you, you know. Always has - but even more since all this end of the world stuff started," he huffs out a small laugh, "she and I have that much in common."

Clarke looks at him quizzically as he continues. "She wants the world for you, Clarke, and hates that she can't give it to you. After she and Kane went over the plan with me one more time, she asked me if we could alone talk before I headed back to the rover."

"Yeah, I noticed. About what?" Clarke interjects, inquisitive and impatient as ever.

He shakes his head at her, smiling and rolling his eyes, "I'm getting there. Always so pushy." Clarke nods for him to continue.

"She thanked me for always sticking by your side - for being there when she couldn't be, and for keeping you safe, keeping you together all these months on the ground," he pauses, "I told her it's always been a group effort - we all take care of each other, I haven't done anything special."

Clarke cuts him off, "Bellamy," she hesitantly reaches out and takes his hand in hers, squeezing lightly, "You've gone to greater lengths than anyone on Earth to keep me safe - you crossed a damn Ice Nation army to try to rescue me from Roan, for god's sake! How could you think you haven't done anything special?"

He squeezes back, continuing, "She said that too. Insisted that it was me that helped you through all of this. Got through to you when no one else could. But what she doesn't realize is that you've done all the same things for me, Clarke. I'm a better leader when I have you to call me out for being an impulsive ass," he smirks before gently rubbing his thumb over the back of her hand, "and a better person when you're around to keep me focused, to talk me through the days where I just don't want to go on anymore."

She's a little taken back by the sincerity of his words, considering them for a few moments before she replies, "You know you're all of those things for me too, right? And more. No matter what stupid decision I've made on the ground, you've had faith in me, and you've helped make sure it all turned out okay in the end. Even after I left...you're still here," he squeezes her hand, a small, sad smile on his face as she takes a deep breath and bares her soul, "I'm sorry for not realizing sooner that everything that makes me whole, keeps me centered, makes me feel safe and happy and home was right here in front of me the whole time. It took the world ending for me to truly come to terms with how I feel."

Pausing, he implores, "...Clarke?"

She faces him fully, taking his other hand in hers as well, eyes cast down as she takes a steadying breath before looking up and speaking. "I can't do this without you, Bellamy. I know that now. I can't - no, I don't want to do anything without you ever again. I know you probably don't..."

"Clarke, hey, " he cuts her off. She stops, looking up at him, unsure. "You're it for me, you know that, right?"

Frozen in disbelief, she stutters, "W...what?"

Rubbing circles on the backs of her hands with his thumbs, he nods and continues, "Have been for a long time, there's just always been something more important. We've been fighting for our lives for so long that my romantic feelings for you seemed unimportant in comparison. But ever since I got you back...ever since ALIE, it's been different. I feel like myself again, like we're the old Bellamy and Clarke at the dropship bossing around the kids and flirting on Unity Day."

Her eyes brighten, "So you were flirting back, huh? I knew it," she shoots back with a wink.

"Yeah, Clarke, I was. Can't blame a guy for being a little smitten with a cute girl who got as excited as you did during target practice in that bunker," he drops his head and chuckles, and she can see the slight blush on his cheeks.

Straightening with a smile, he continues, "So yeah, your mom picked up on this pretty quickly once you came back. She noticed how protective I was of you, and we sort of bonded over that since she feels it pretty strongly too."

Clarke smiles, remembering the rings in her hand. She turns her palm in his, wondering, "And these? You knew she was going to give them to me. Why would she tell you that?"

Now he's definitely blushing, but he nods and continues, a little unsure. "Yeah, she said she had planned to give them to me - so that someday I could...I guess she assumed we'd end up together in the end. She thought you'd like to have real wedding rings, something special, something that belonged to both of your parents. Then the end of the world came sooner than expected, and here we are," he ends with a nervous shrug.

She didn't realize she was holding her breath, and she shudders when she lets it out with a small sob. Bellamy's hand comes to her cheek and she leans into it, closing her eyes for a moment before taking a deep breath. He's looking back at her when she opens them, a little worry and a lot of love on his face.

"You okay? All of this is probably too much, I'm..."

"Hey, no," she cuts him off, "it's not too much, just...like you said. Bad timing." He nods, the gravity of their situation hitting them both once again.

She continues, "But I do want this, Bellamy. All of it. And I don't want it with anyone but you. I just need the world to not be ending, I can't do this while we still don't know if tomorrow is a sure thing."

He nods in understanding, eyes never leaving hers. "We can get through this together, I know we can. Once we do," she laces the fingers of both her hands with his, necklace and rings looped around her wrist, "then I'm in. If you still are, that is."

He's beaming and she feels so blessed to see one of his real, genuine smiles. The ones usually reserved for Octavia. It makes her heart flutter. "Yeah, Clarke, I'm in. Save the world and then we go from there. Nobody I'd rather do it with."

Clarke is grinning like a fool now too, swinging their hands gently as they stand under the most beautiful sunset either of them has ever seen.

She hears faint jingling of the rings hanging from her wrist, releasing his hand to grab the chain and bring them back to her palm. She deftly undoes the clasp and removes the rings, considering them for a moment before placing her mother's ring in one hand and extending it to Bellamy. He looks down at it and then back up at her, unsure.

"Hang onto this for me?" She places the ring in his hand, holding up her father's, "And I'll keep this one. Then when this is all over - when the world isn't ending and we don't have to worry about whether we'll live to see tomorrow, we can do this right." She puts her father's ring back on the chain and fastens it around her neck.

Bellamy nods, placing Abby's ring in the pocket of his guard jacket - the one right over his heart, and vowing to have Raven make him something more secure once they get to the lab.

Rings safely tucked away, Clarke steps towards him, intertwining their fingers again, and looking up at him, all smiles, "And until then, we take each day as it comes. Together."

"Together," he replies, "Wouldn't have it any other way." He smiles down at her reverently, pulling her closer to place a kiss on her forehead. She closes her eyes and all the stress and tension drains from her body, even if only for a moment.

When he pulls back, she's grinning from ear to ear and reaches up to wrap her arms around his neck and pull him in for a hug, her fingers weaving through his unruly curls as his arms wrap around her back, holding her close. He buries his nose in her hair and she feels him relax, knowing in that moment that he feels just as much at home in her embrace as she does in his.

They eventually break apart, ready to face the challenges ahead. Clarke turns towards the beach as they set off for the lab, reaching a hand out behind her. Bellamy takes it, his fingers slotting in between hers. He pulls their joined hands to his lips and plants a kiss on the back of hers, eliciting a smile from her.

"Now this is a side of Bellamy Blake I thought I'd never see," she offers, full of playful attitude, more lighthearted than she's felt in a long time.

He shrugs, falling into stride beside her. "Better get used to it, Princess."

Yeah, she's pretty sure she can do that.

-----

The euphoric, hopeful feeling stays with her for a few days while they prepare for launch. Clarke felt like she and Bellamy were on the same wavelength before, but now...now she feels like their hearts are beating to the same frequency. It's uncanny how often she'll turn to reach for something to pack away for the journey and he's already there to hand it to her, that adorable smile on his face. It makes her feel like the next five years won't be so terrible after all.

Once Raven assures them the larger ship they discovered has been triple checked and everything is in perfect working order, they decide on a launch date and start counting down.

Rations are packed, supplies inventoried, extras of everything stored away in the lab just in case. Raven has been running the launch simulator over and over, confident, as usual, that takeoff and docking with the remnants of the Ark still in orbit will be a non-issue. She's even running the landing simulator for when they make the return journey to Earth. Always an overachiever - Clarke loves her for it.

Everything is going according plan, for once in their lives - until suddenly it isn't.

Three days before launch the air begins to get yellow and hazy, and Harper, Murphy, and Echo are showing signs of radiation sickness. Unwilling to risk them getting any sicker, they're benched from launch preparations.

They were already planning to leave well ahead of the worst of Praimfaya, but with the timetable moved up this far, they need to get out of here - and fast. Now they have less time and fewer capable hands to get their last important pre-launch tasks completed.

They'll need to split up to get it all done. Emori, Monty, and Raven are taking care of the last minute rocket and launch-related preparations, so they're stuck in the lab. That leaves Clarke and Bellamy to take care of the rest. Two people doing the work of five, and no way for them to do it together, since the lighthouse bunker and communications tower at the mansion are in completely opposite directions.

"An hour - that's all we can budget to get this done if we want to be sure we're all on that ship and out of here in time," Raven warns them before they depart, setting timers on a pair of watches as they don their hazmat suits - too much radiation in the air already for them to travel outside the lab without.

She hands over the watches after they pull on their gloves, the look of concern she's unable to disguise makes Clarke's stomach turn. "We leave when these timers hit zero - no exceptions. Got it? Make sure you give yourself enough time to make it back. Radio if you run into any issues."

"We got this, don't worry," Bellamy replies, speaking for both of them, before reaching over to give Raven a quick hug.

Raven grabs fiercely onto Clarke after that, wrapping her in a bear hug that threatens to squeeze the life right out of her. "Be safe and hurry back. Don't make me blast off without you," Raven says, only half joking.

"Wouldn't dream of it." Clarke retorts, then turning to Bellamy, "Let's do this." He nods and they head for the front door of the lab.

Outside, the visibility is getting poorer by the minute. Air quality is clearly reaching critical levels, so they don't have time to waste - timers already counting down. They pause at the door before putting on the helmets of their hazmat suits.

"Run fast, okay?" Clarke says to Bellamy, voice small and worried. He nods before she wraps her arms around him, breathing him in for what she prays is not the last time as they hug desperately. They break apart, and Clarke attempts to steady her voice, "May we meet again."

"We will. I have someone really important to make it back to," he says with a smile, which she returns before they strap on their helmets and head out the door, sprinting in opposite directions.

Clarke paces herself on the way to the mansion, having made this trip many times before, and knowing that it should take her about fifteen minutes to get there at this pace. She checks her watch when she arrives - 43 minutes remaining - and immediately gets to work.

The satellite on the communications tower needs to be broadcasting a signal up to the remaining section of the Ark in order for their ship to be able to initiate docking maneuvers once they arrive. Without this, they won't be able to ride out the next five years.

This was supposed to be a two person job, so now Clarke has to pick up the slack. First, she needs to open the control panel at the base of the tower and input the codes Raven had transcribed for her. She digs through her backpack and finds the tablet and a screwdriver, getting to work on the small metal cover concealing the panel.

Once the screws are removed, she follows Raven's instructions to enter the codes, trying to keep her breathing as calm and even as possible so she enters everything correctly the first time and doesn't have to go back.

Satisfied with her work, she leaves the tablet and her backpack on the ground, checking her watch once more before scaling the tower to set the satellite dish - 29 minutes remaining. She can do this. She climbs to the top and maneuvers the dish to the correct angle, ensuring all wires are tightly connected before climbing back down.

When she reaches the bottom, she enters the final code and hits connect - only to find that nothing is happening.

Clarke panics, hitting the button again, and still, nothing. She looks up at the satellite dish and sees that a gust of wind has pushed it out of position. Grabbing some extra wiring from her backpack to secure it in place, she takes another glance at her watch before starting her climb again - 24 minutes remaining.

With renewed haste she climbs the tower again, adjusts the satellite dish, and ties it down the best she can, praying to anyone who will listen that it holds. Once she gets back to the bottom, she takes a deep breath before attempting the connection again - and this time the light turns green, the panel reading "CONNECTION ESTABLISHED."

She grabs her radio to let Raven know, "Raven - satellite is linked and connection is good. Heading back now." No answer, but she doesn't have time to waste. She grabs her things, checks her watch - 17 minutes remaining - and takes off as fast as her legs will carry her.

Becca's lab appears on the horizon and Clarke breathes a sigh of relief - she's going to make it in time. Just as she has the traitorous thought, the radio buzzes to life.

"Clarke? Bellamy? One of you, pick up, now!" Raven sounds absolutely frantic.

"What is it, Raven? What's wrong?" Clarke replies, panicked and breathing heavily as she runs. Her stomach drops when Bellamy doesn't answer the call at all.

"We have a problem - the launch door. I can't get it to open from this side. I've tried everything, and we don't have time..."

"Tell me what I need to do, Raven, I'm almost there." Clarke takes a shortcut through a small section of forest, looking down at her watch as she gets close to the lab - 6 minutes remaining. She catches her foot on a small bush, saving herself just before she loses her balance and continuing to run.

Her radio buzzes to life with Raven's voice, "There should be a manual override switch somewhere on the far side of the lab - you just need to open the panel, pull the lever, and get the hell in here - fast."

Clarke locates the panel quickly - thanking her lucky stars that someone had the forethought to mark it clearly with bright red stripes on the door. She makes quick work of removing the cover to the panel. The lever is off to one side, Clarke pulls it down and hears the launch door begin to open, lets it go, and makes for the door.

Then she hears the door slam shut and her body feels like it's made of lead. She looks back at the lever and sees that it's back in the upright position - not at all where she left it.

"Raven," she calls into the radio, closing her eyes and swallowing thickly before willing herself to say the next words, "I think I have to hold the lever down - it won't stay on its own. I....I don't think I can let it go."

"Clarke?" Exclaims a voice which definitely does not belong to Raven. "What are you talking about? Get back in here, we're almost out of time!"

"Bellamy? Are you back in the lab - I didn't hear you respond when Raven called. I was worr...ahhh!" She cries out suddenly as her leg is overcome with a terrible burning pain.

Looking down she notices a tear in her hazmat suit. She must have ripped it when she tripped, and it looks to be splitting farther open as she crouches down to pull the lever. She uses one hand to hold the ripped section closed, cringing as the material of the suit brushes against her singed skin.

"I'm fine, my radio died. I'm in the lab with everyone else - what's wrong? Get the doors opened and get back inside," Bellamy replies, clearly panicked, before Raven interrupts. "Clarke, are you sure there's no way you can tie it down or something? You have two minutes to get back in here."

Eyes filled with tears, Clarke raises the radio once more, "I used all my extra supplies to make sure the satellite dish stayed in the right position. I have nothing left," she pauses, wincing in pain as the burning travels farther up her leg, radiation in the air clearly reaching the point of no return, "Raven - do what you have to do. You can't sacrifice everything to wait for me."

"Clarke, I-..." Raven practically cries into the radio.

"Do it. Give the radio to Bellamy and go launch the ship. Everyone is counting on us. Please!" Clarke yells, weakening.

The next voice that responds could be the last one she ever gets to hear, and Clarke would be perfectly fine with it, if it weren't for the fact that he sounds just as broken as she imagines he was when he thought his baby sister had died. It shatters her heart into a million pieces.

"Clarke...I can't do this without you." He sounds utterly hopeless.

She gathers all her strength for what she says next.

"Bellamy, you're the strongest person I've ever met. If anyone can get through this, you can. Please, I need you to live. I need you to make it through this...and come back for me."

A pause before he responds, and she hears the distant machine hum of the rocket growing louder.

"I don't want to leave you. I need to be with you...I need to be sure you make it through this too. I...I love you. I can't imagine doing any of this without you."

Tears are freely flowing down her cheeks. Life is so cruel to give her so much and take it all away so quickly. She can hear him holding back a sob on the other end of the radio.

"Five years, Bellamy. You can do this - we can do this. Then once you get back, we can start living our dreams - together. Promise me you'll hold on for me? That you'll come back down and find me?"

She can hear Raven initiating the final countdown in the background as he cries softly into the radio. Her grip on the lever tightens as the searing pain travels up her hip.

"I promise, Clarke. I'll wait as long as you need me to. Just stay alive for me, yeah? I need you to be here when I get back." He chokes out the last words as Raven nears the end of the countdown, warning him to get inside and close the door. Clarke can hear the rocket getting louder and knows this is her last chance.

"I promise. I love you too, Bellamy. Please be safe."

Moments later, Clarke hears a loud rumbling as the rocket emerges from the hangar bay and launches into the sky. She stares up until it's no longer recognizable through the hazy air around her. Releasing the lever, she collapses to the ground.

She takes a deep, shuddering breath, letting the reality of her situation sink in.

Alone. She's alone on an irradiated planet, and they won't be back for five years. He won't be back for five years. How is she going to survive this?

The pain that is now crawling up her torso urges her into action. She pulls herself up, screaming out in pain, and drags herself along the side of the lab to the door. Curse whoever decided to mark the manual override so clearly, yet put it as far from the entrance to the lab as possible.

After what feels like an eternity, she makes it inside the lab and collapses to the floor, entering the code to lock down the building on the keypad on her way down.

It's excruciating to remove her hazmat suit, but she needs to assess the damage. Once she's peeled it off, she rolls onto her left side in order to evaluate her right - thankful that her dominant side is mostly unaffected. Her right side, however, looks pretty bad all the way up her leg and torso.

Feeling weak, her body gives out on her and she ends up flat on the floor, closing her hand tightly over the ring still suspended around her neck, quietly sobbing until exhaustion overtakes her.

She awakens some time later, the sounds of the end of the world absolutely howling outside the lab too loud for her to sleep through for long. The unbearable pain catches her off guard as she moves to sit up, so she uses what strength she has left to crawl from the entrance to the lab all the way to the heart of the massive building. She knows she needs to find the stash of anti-radiation pills they left behind, and quick.

Thankfully, in their haste to launch before the worst of Praimfaya rendered it impossible, they had brought most of the important medical supplies to one central location. She finds the vial of pills on the lower level of the lab, and manages to get a dose down, hoping that the damage isn't too severe.

There's a leather-bound notebook on the desk next to the vial of pills. Panicked that it might be Becca's journal accidentally left behind in the frenzy, Clarke drags herself up to sit in the chair, thankful for something to hold her upright so her weakened legs don't have to.

The notebook is similar, but not Becca's - she breathes a sigh of relief at the realization. Curious as to why it might be here, she opens it and her hand instantly flies to cover her mouth, a strangled sob escaping her.

There's a note written on the first page.

It's Bellamy's handwriting - she'd know it anywhere. Ever since the day where she chose him to live and he chose her, writing down each other's names in a silent declaration of "I don't want to live in a world without you in it."

She takes in as much of a breath as she can manage, her side protesting violently as the effects of the radiation fight against her, and begins to read.

Clarke,

1825. The number of days until I get to see your beautiful smile again. Time has never been on our side, but this time we know exactly what we're up against. I know we can beat this, we've faced far worse.

Hold on for me, yeah? Keep that ring close to your heart, because that's where I'm keeping yours for the next 1825 days.

Stay brave, Princess. I love you.

Bellamy

It's too much. As if it wasn't hard enough to lose everyone - to lose him. Now she has to spend the next 1825 days not only feeling alone and hopeless, but thinking about how stupid and blind she's been to the fact that he's so gone for her...and she feels exactly the same way about him.

1825 days until they get to start living for themselves. Together.

Bring it on, Praimfaya.

-----

Bellamy

Three weeks.

It's been three weeks since they catapulted themselves back into space. Three terrible, painful, lonely weeks in space without his light to show him the way out of the dark.

Three weeks down. 257 more to go.

Bellamy feels hopeless. Like this is going to drag on forever. It's too long. Too long to be alone - to have to worry about whether she's even alive.

He recoils at the thought, shakes his head. His Princess is too stubborn to let a little radiation take her out. He's sure about that much.

Then he thinks about Octavia - he does miss her too, but he finds solace in the fact that she's with the rest of their people. Safely locked away with access to food, water, and medical care. She's not alone. And she's a fighter too. She's always been tough as nails.

He thinks about how she spent most of her sixteen years locked under the floor, and it makes these 1825 - no, 1804 days - 257 weeks, feel like just a little less.

Five years. If Clarke can survive that long on the ground despite Praimfaya ravaging the Earth, he can survive up here.

It was days after their ship docked at the Ark before anyone saw or heard from Bellamy. He had made sure everyone arrived safely, of course, got Harper, Murphy, and Echo situated and saw that their medical treatment was taken care of, and then asked for some time to himself.

He locked himself in a cabin and cried until his eyes had nothing more to give, which was definitely not his usual reaction to pain.

Bellamy only remembers doing this two other times in his life - the day his sister was arrested and his mother floated, and the day he thought Octavia was dead. Both of these memories still haunt him, but now he has a third to add to the collection - leaving Clarke behind on Earth to die.

It was Raven who finally got through to him. She had been trying to get him to eat something for days to no avail. He was unresponsive, just so overtaken by his grief and helplessness that he couldn't even muster up the energy to respond to her. Raven was not one to be held back by anyone, but she was unquestionably one of the most loyal friends you could ask for - and she loved Clarke too.

So she just sat with him, talked him through it until he was ready to keep himself upright on his own. Clarke was alive when they blasted off, and she was within a few hundred feet of the door. She had the Nightblood treatment, so she should at least have some protection against the radiation. And nobody on Earth was as stubborn as Clarke Griffin. If anyone would look death in the face and tell it to hit the road, it would definitely be her.

Bellamy was thankful to have Raven - to have so many of his friends with him on this ship for the next five years. And he was especially thankful to have someone down on Earth who he knew was thinking about him just as much as he thought about her.

Raven had fashioned a scrap of leather into a cuff for him - attached Abby's ring to it so Bellamy could always have it with him. She didn't ask why he had the ring or what he planned to do with it. Truth be told, she didn't need to. None of them did.

He wore it around his right wrist - never took it off. Whenever he worried about Clarke, whenever he missed her, all he had to do was put his hand on his heart and the ring would be there too, right where he promised her it would be. He knew she would be doing the same.

Three weeks. Three weeks down, 257 to go. They might be apart, but they were still fighting this thing as a team, like they always did.

That much he knew for sure.

-----

Clarke

It's a slow, grueling process, but Clarke slowly beats the radiation poisoning she sustained on her way back to the lab. Most days she isn't sure whether she even wants to survive. Surely she doesn't deserve it.

Whenever she's feeling at her lowest, her emptiest and most alone, her hand instinctively moves to the ring around her neck. She holds it over her heart and closes her eyes, remembering that she has a reason to keep fighting.

A head full of dark, wild curls she can't wait to run her fingers through, an adorably freckled face smiling down at her, a pair of strong arms holding her close, a voice she'll never get used to hearing. These are the things, she tells herself, that she has to look forward to.

Every day she has to put on a brave face and put one foot in front of the other, and if she does, like she knows he will, they'll make it through this.

The first thing she does each day is mark it down in her notebook - 1824 days, 1802 days, 1765 days, 1540 days, 1197 days. It feels like this will go on forever, but with each page she fills, her heart feels just a little less empty. A finite end to the toughest test she's faced since landing on Earth. Who knew war and politics would seem less daunting than this?

Days are spent trying to pass the time any way she can. She's feels like she's gone over Becca's notes on Nightblood production hundreds of times. Medical research studies from decades past, molecular biology journals, mechanical engineering articles and instruction manuals for the rocket's launch and landing simulators, even notes left scattered around the lab in her mother's handwriting and in Jackson's - she reads them all. It helps her feel connected to the people she hopes to someday see again.

They had left a checklist of emergency supplies behind, so Clarke makes it a point to go over that every few months. Anti-radiation pills are inventoried and expiration dates checked. Medical supplies are organized and made easily accessible in case of emergency. Hazmat suits stored in all the important places, checked for damage. She counts out her rations - making sure she isn't burning through them too quickly.

Raven taught each of them how to verify the integrity on the small hydro generator in the lab, since they would have one up in space too, so she makes sure everything is in working order to keep her limited water supply flowing.

Clarke gives herself additional Nightblood treatments as her body allows. They had planned for everyone who remained on Earth once Praimfaya arrived to be safely locked in the bunker Jaha discovered. Those of them going to space were also treated with Nightblood as a precaution, but received less since they should have been long gone by the time the death wave hit, their bodies already used to the solar radiation they would face in space.

She injects the serum on days when she feels particularly strong, hoping it will give her additional immunity from the debilitating effects of the radiation storm raging outside, should she ever need it.

She monitors the Geiger counter on the control panel, recording the levels of radiation at different times of the day, trying to see if there's any pattern or noticeable improvement over time. Despite the vastness of the lab, Clarke has never felt more confined. She'd give anything to be able to spend time anywhere that isn't here.

One of the only things that helps her maintain her sanity through all of this is art. Much like her time in the Skybox, imagining that she's somewhere else seems to lighten the dread and uncertainty of her situation, even if it's only temporary. Committing it to paper gives her something to focus on - something beautiful on an Earth that is full of new terrors at every turn.

She finds herself sketching people a lot more than she used to. Of course she would prefer to have a reference or live subject, but Clarke has plenty of memories of her friends and family to work with, and she'd rather keep them for as long as she can.

Jasper and Monty's bright smiles as they do their signature high-five.

Raven's fierce, determined stare, hard at work on something that would undoubtedly save them all once again.

The glint of fire in Octavia's eyes as she spars with a Trikru warrior.

One face seems to find its way onto her pages more frequently than the rest, though. All broad shoulders, powerful stance, and a commanding gaze. But sometimes another side of him - one that is all soft curls, captivating eyes, and the perfect shower of freckles. In these moments, she sighs and hopes that someday she can get lost in the stars on his face. Mapping constellations with her fingers, with her lips.

For now, this will have to do.

-----

A few months before the halfway point of her time in the lab, Clarke notices something that piques her interest - the levels of radiation have been declining slightly for weeks. Thinking back, she has been noticing that the ominous red-orange sky and dark clouds that have been swirling since she locked herself in this prison are looking...slightly less terrifying.

She remembers that day on the dock, how the sky was the most stunning shades of orange and purple. This sky looks nothing like that one. It's hard to believe that it will ever look normal again.

She makes a mental note to keep a careful eye out for any additional drop in radiation levels over the coming months. Maybe something is changing. She lets herself hope it is.

The numbers continue their torturously slow, yet steady, decline. What has Clarke even more excited, though, is the gradual improvement in visibility. There are days when she thinks she can actually see all the way across the clearing and into the forest leading towards the beach. She logs the haziness of the air each day now too, hoping that this is a sign that the Earth isn't as ruined as they may have thought.

Months and months go by - 674 days left by Clarke's count - before she dares venture outside the safety of the lab. At first the air began to look look clearer on random days and it was impossible to predict when the haze would come back with a vengeance (and acid rain, which she couldn't risk). Then the yellow haze started to disappear for days at a time before returning.

At this point, it's been twenty consecutive days that Clarke has been able to see the forest across the clearing, and she's tired of feeling like a caged animal.

She's been feeling good lately, so she gives one of the hazmat suits a thorough once-over and stuffs a backpack with a patch kit, fresh water, rations, and other emergency supplies. Better safe than sorry, she's learned that one for sure. She even packs a tent, thinking back to their days at the dropship and how they had escaped the acid fog on numerous occasions thanks to one of these.

Her heart always feels a little fuller when she thinks of those days.

Taking a deep breath as she stands at the door to the lab, she enters the code to cancel the lockdown. The emergency doors slide open with a groan, and Clarke braces herself for whatever terrible fate awaits her before opening the door and stepping outside.

Looking around in all directions to take in her surroundings, Clarke thinks the lab looks to be in pretty good shape, all things considered. It's made it through the apocalypse twice now - and she's suddenly feeling a lot of gratitude for whoever built it.

She starts off across the clearing towards the forest. Still no sign of animals, no insects, but she didn't expect everything to be back to normal quite yet. She's just happy to be out of that lab.

She hikes down through the forest, hyper-aware of fallen branches and anything that might snag her suit. Radiation poisoning wasn't an enjoyable experience the first time, and she definitely doesn't want to risk repeating it.

When she reaches the beach, Clarke is stunned to see that the vast expanse of water looks...almost normal. Granted, she's not sure what she expected, but it certainly wasn't white sand and clear water.

Emori's boat is, miraculously, still tethered to the dock and doesn't look all that much more battered than it did when she last saw it. Clarke steps onto the dock and takes cautious steps towards the boat, making sure the integrity of the wood hasn't been compromised. She steps onto the starboard side of the boat, making her way to the bridge to assess the damage. The key is still in the ignition and when she turns it, the engine starts.

It's been a few hours of exploration, so Clarke decides it's probably smart if she heads back. This has been the longest streak of good luck she's had in years - definitely not the time to tempt fate. She leaves the key to the boat in the bridge, and heads back across the dock to the forest.

Walking down to the beach becomes a habit after that. As long as the sky doesn't look like it's going to open up with black rain, and the air is clear, Clarke suits up and goes for a walk around the island a few times a week.

The change of scenery is refreshing, but it doesn't do much for the loneliness. Makes it worse, if she's honest - being completely alone on an island is a lot to conceptualize. She misses her friends, her family, and Bellamy most of all. This island has been her home for the past few years, but it's never really felt that way.

Home. She just needs to go home.

The idea strikes her like a bolt of lightning and she stops dead in her tracks on her way back to the lab. It's crazy, right? There's no way it could possibly....

Clarke has to know for sure. She vows to find out.

-----

500 days left, and today is the day Clarke learns whether another piece of her heart has been lost. Hopeful, she sets out at the crack of dawn for the beach, extra bag of supplies and rations in tow. She makes it to the boat by the time the sun is making its way into the sky, and she still isn't completely used to how it looks against the sea of dark oranges and reds in the daytime.

Turning the key in the ignition, she places her bags down under the console in the bridge. Clarke has taken the boat for a spin a few times these past few weeks in preparation for today - just to make sure everything was working properly, and to ensure she felt comfortable piloting it back to the mainland. She sets off towards the last place she remembers before landing on the island.

The rover is the most welcome sight Clarke has laid eyes on in a long time. She turns off the engine of the boat as she approaches the dock, taking time to secure it carefully. This is only a day trip - can't have her ride floating away and leaving her with no way to get back to the island.

Opening the driver's side door to the rover and smiling, Clarke remembers the last time she was here. Sitting in the passenger seat while Bellamy drove, joking about how awful her driving was. She's thankful he had taught her how to drive the rover now, otherwise she'd be in for a long hike.

The familiar hum of the rover's engine is comforting. Tossing her gear into the back and closing the door, she sets off towards the first home she ever had on Earth.

The dropship.

As she pulls into the small clearing, relief washes over her. It's still here, not looking too much worse for wear. Clarke parks the rover and grabs her bags, walking with a little extra pep in her step for the first time in a long time. She smiles, feeling more at home than she has in years. It survived, deep down she knew it would.

Cautiously, she pushes past the flag still draped at the entrance, taking in the familiar sight of the first level. It looks just like she remembered it - remnants of their time here bringing back memories, both good and bad. She puts down her things and scales the ladder to the second level, pushing open the hatch and closing it behind her once she's through. This is why she was really here.

They had patched the hole Murphy blew out of the back side of the dropship in the months before the world ended. It made sense to have as many places as possible to seek shelter on short notice while they were scrambling for solutions to save their people. They didn't know when the black rain would start, so any reasonable precaution they could take to ensure nobody ended up caught in it was worth the time and resources.

In the weeks between repairing the dropship and leaving for the island, she found herself here on more than one occasion with Bellamy. The stress of planning for the future of the human race was constantly baring down on both of them with all its might, and finding a quiet place to work, to think, to just...be, was hard at Arkadia. Especially while everyone was always looking to the two of them for answers.

The dropship had become their home away from home. It served as a place to work in peace and quiet, to sleep, to maintain some essence of themselves. Clarke smiles as she notices the desk off to one side - sketchbook and stack of old paperbacks just where she remembered they'd be.

Walking to the desk, she reaches out for the pile of books - The Iliad, The Odyssey, The Theogony, The Fall of Troy. Bellamy loved the classics - anything to do with history, really. Clarke isn't sure she ever saw his face light up quite the way it did when they discovered these in one of the abandoned shelters they evaluated as a potential refuge. Like a kid on Christmas morning.

She thinks she may have only seen a smile like that two other times from him. At the beginning of their time on the ground, when they found barrels full of guns and bullets in the abandoned aid depot, and years ago, under a breathtaking sunset.

Clarke sets down the pile before reaching back down and deciding on The Theogony, settling down on the makeshift cot next to the desk. Bellamy always talked about his love of mythology - especially anything that had to do with the gods, so it seemed fitting.

He would protest whenever she suggested they take a short break from their end of the world preparations, but she always won in the end. Shoulder to shoulder, they would allow themselves to decompress for a few short minutes in a comfortable silence. She would sketch while he read, sometimes he would read to her instead. Never able to be more themselves than with each other

If only he was here with her now. She sighs. Soon enough. For now, this made her feel a little less empty.

After a few hours, Clarke forces herself up. She has to get back. It's important that she continue to monitor everything from the lab. Marking her page so she can come back to it later, she places the book back on the desk and opens the hatch to climb back down.

It's probably late afternoon, plenty of time to get back to the island before the sun goes down. Clarke turns around slowly inside the dropship, arms outstretched, and lets out a deep breath. She feels lighter, more hopeful. Coming home has that effect, she thinks. Nodding, she turns and heads for the rover.

The sun is going down by the time she's hiking the five miles through the forest from the beach to the lab, and Clarke is feeling exhausted. It's been a long day of traveling, and she can't wait to get out of this hazmat suit. Once inside, she locks the building down, strips out of the suit, and declares her day trip a success, vowing to make the journey again soon.

She sits down at the desk in the lab, tearing into a ration packet, ravenous. While she eats, she flips through her notebook, admiring all the little sketches and doodles in the margins of pages filled with numbers - counting down ever closer to zero. To a new beginning, a life that would make all these months worth it.

Flipping back to the first page, a smile tugs at the corner of her mouth as she reads Bellamy's note. Her fingers trace gently over his words as she imagines his voice reading them.

Today is was the closest she had felt to him in a long time. He's still holding her together, even with an unimaginable distance between them. That's Bellamy Blake for you - taking care of the people he loves even when he doesn't realize he's doing it.

She closes the book and drags herself to bed. Laying there in the dark, her hand makes its way to the ring around her neck, clutching it close to her heart. She sleeps better that night than she has in a long time.

Over the next few months, Clarke makes the trek back to the dropship several times. Sometimes as often as once a week. Time seems to pass faster when she has something tangible to look forward to.

She also decides that the radiation levels seem to be declining enough that it may be safe to venture out without the hazmat suit, and she's right. Not taking her luck for granted, she decides it's safest to travel with it on, but she removes it once she's safely in the dropship, happy to breathe freely again.

Sometimes she reads, others she sketches, and occasionally, when she feels at her weakest, truly inconsolable, she cries. Head buried in the makeshift cot, she talks to Bellamy even though she knows he can't hear her. Searching for a sign that he's still out there waiting for her, fingers deftly twirling the ring she keeps safe for him.

It often makes her think of her dad. She misses him, wonders what he would think of all this, of Bellamy. This may not be the life he had planned for her, not the one he would have wished for anyone, but she genuinely believes - no, knows that Bellamy is the kind of person he'd want for her.

So she allows herself these moments of weakness, but promises to always pick herself up and hold her head high.

She is her father's daughter, after all, and Jake Griffin never gave up.

-----

Bellamy

He wakes up each day and makes a new mark on the wall, keeping track of every day he spends on this godforsaken tin can. Counting up to that' magic number - 1825 days. Today closes out another week of marks - 240 of them in total. It's been 240 weeks - 1680 days - since he left Clarke on the ground.

The end of this hell is so close, he can almost taste it. 145 more days until he gets to see her again. He can make it five more months, he knows it. These years have been hard on all of them. Being confined to a mostly destroyed space station with six other people and the task of creating enough Nightblood to re-treat the remaining human race is no walk in the park. But they're doing it.

Bellamy spends most of his time assisting Raven and Monty with the Nightblood production. They estimate that plenty has been produced, but as far as sudden world ending scenarios go, they have a bad track record. They make as much as they can so they'll be ahead of the curve if things go bad again.

Keeping his hands occupied helps prevent his mind from wandering. Downtime is the hardest for him, especially when most of the people on this ship have someone to spend it with - really spend it with. He envies Monty and Harper and Murphy and Emori. Raven is good company, but it's not the same.

And Echo...well, let's just say he spends most of his time with Raven because she's made it overwhelmingly clear that Bellamy is not up for grabs, and anyone who tries something will have to deal with her.

He doesn't really blame her, being in space and having nobody is hard, he knows that. But he's not looking for someone to take away the pain. And even if he was, yeah, it wouldn't be her. Too much history there and Bellamy isn't the "forgive and forget" type.

Besides, pain is Bellamy's specialty. It's all he's known for most of his life - he's good at it. But this time is different, he thinks. This pain is only temporary, because somewhere down there is a beautiful, spirited girl with a sharp tongue and blue eyes he could lose himself in forever, and she's waiting for him.

He's still blown away that she wants this - wants him like this, and it makes him the happiest person in the universe.

The only thing that makes him happier is Raven showing up in his cabin that night.

He sits up and puts his book on the bed next to him, "Hey, what's up? Everything okay?"

She enters and sits down at his desk, propping her feet up and nodding, "More than okay actually. Feels weird to say that."

He grins, raising an eyebrow, "Care to elaborate?"

"What would you say if I told you we might not have to wait the full five years to go back to Earth?" She says, quirking up an eyebrow right back at him, already knowing what his reaction would be.

Bellamy literally jumps off the bed, "What? How? What changed?"

Raven chuckles, "And this is why I sat over here, drama queen. Sit down," he does. "I've had Harper and Echo monitoring the radiation levels on Earth and we've noticed a slow, steady decline for a long time now. To the point where I think we might be able to go back." His eyes are wide as Raven continues. "I don't want to risk taking the whole ship down, though, until we know for sure."

He nods, desperate for more information, "Okay, so what do we do?"

"We have a small pod - only enough room for one of us to go down and see if we're correct. Don't kill me, I didn't tell you about it earlier because we only have one, and we couldn't risk launching it too soon, otherwise we could end up screwed if the Earth wasn't survivable again. But I think now is the time." She says, confident.

"I'm going." It's not a question, that much is written all over his face.

"Why do you think I'm here and not launching Murphy back down to Earth? Knew you'd insist on going," she smiles knowingly, "We'll go over everything first thing tomorrow, and I'll show you how the control panel in the pod works so you can communicate with us - we need to know what the situation is down there before I bring this whole ship back down."

"Done. Whatever you need me to do." His heart is beating right out of his chest. He's going to Earth, he's going back to Clarke.

Raven nods and walks towards the door, "It's settled then - find me in the morning and we'll go over everything, get some gear and rations together for you, and give the pod a thorough once-over, then it's your show."

"Thank you, Raven. Seriously," he says, genuine. The look of appreciation on his face speaks volumes.

"You got it. See you tomorrow," she says with a wave as she exits.

Bellamy falls flat against the bed, heart still thrumming harder than it has any time in recent memory. He brings the ring on his wrist up to his lips, then to his heart, pressing it close, feeling the rhythm.

"I'm coming, Clarke. I'll find you."

-----

If Bellamy never has to fall from space back to Earth again, that's fine with him. Re-entry is a lot more terrifying and stressful in a small pod than it was in the dropship, but he's here, he's alive and in one piece, and that's the only thing that matters.

He unbuckles himself and checks the control panel to make sure everything is in tact - sending a preliminary signal up to Raven to let her know he's alive.

Changing into his hazmat suit and gathering the necessary gear, Bellamy tries to prepare himself for what he might find outside. No matter what it is, he has to get to that lab, to Clarke. He can't wait.

The door opens and he surveys his surroundings. Looks like he landed near the mansion, which puts him about a thirty minute walk from the lab. He takes off at a jog, unwilling to wait a second longer than necessary to have Clarke in his arms again.

He notices the haze in the air is gone. The sky looks considerably less angry - only a few shades off from the pre-apocalypse Earth he was used to. He reaches the lab, entering the code and whipping open the door, taking off the helmet of his hazmat suit and calling out, "Clarke! Clarke, where are you?"

No response. His heart drops and he feels himself start to panic. He runs to the main chamber of the lab, calling her name in every direction. She's not in any of the bedrooms, not on the upper level or the lower. Not in the office either.

What if she didn't make it after all? Was all of this for nothing? He drops into the chair at the metal desk and his head falls to his hands, a shattered sob escaping his lips. His eyes squeeze shut and he takes a steadying breath. It can't be true. She made it inside, he knows she did.

When he opens his eyes, he notices a small leather-bound notebook on the corner of the desk. He slides it over and opens to the front page, faced with familiar handwriting - his note to her, desperately penned in the moments before they all crowded onto the ship and left her alone on Earth to fend for herself for half a decade.

He flips to the next page and sees numbers, so many numbers. 1825, 1824, 1823...she had been counting the days, just like him. Heart soaring, he flips to the end, knowing he'll see 145 days - yesterday. He knows she's still alive and still waiting for him, that she'll be back any minute.

150 is the last number he sees. Today is 144 days until the date they had planned to make the trip back to Earth. Where has she been since day 150? Why hasn't she come back? Filled with worry, he starts digging through the papers scattered on the desks around the lab until he comes to a pile of sketches. His traitorous body betrays him and he exhales a small sob.

One by one he inspects her beautiful sketches. He sees his friends, Octavia, and so many of himself. She's been thinking of him just as much as he's been thinking of her. He has to pause when he finds a sketch of two people - one with long, light hair, the other curly, dark hair - standing at the edge of a body of water, hands linked, staring off into the sunset.

"Clarke, where are you. I need you," he chokes out tearfully, putting that one aside and continuing through the pile. He notices a sketch of the dropship, of their camp when they first landed on the ground. Then another, and another. There seems to be a theme here, and a wild thought enters his mind. Could she really be...

He has his hazmat suit back on and is out the door in minutes, running like a bat out of hell towards the beach.

Bellamy is exhausted by the time he gets across the water. Emori's boat was nowhere to be found, so he was stuck rowing one of the old wooden boats left on shore. It had taken him the better part of two hours to get there, but his tired arms found their strength again when the Rover came into view. If Clarke was at the dropship, surely she would have taken the rover?

He disembarks, jogging over to the vehicle before he notices a flat tire on the right side. The rover has a spare, so he quickly changes it and finds the keys on the passenger seat, starting it up and taking off in the direction of the dropship.

When he arrives, the ship looks sturdy as ever, just like he remembered it. What worries him is how abandoned the whole place looks. No signs of anyone having been here He parks the rover and begins to secure the perimeter, searching the edge of the woods near the clearing, frantically calling out her name, ready to run to her at the first sign she's alive.

His suit is getting in the way, and in a moment of true recklessness, he removes his helmet. She's not going to hear him when his voice is being muffled by that thing anyway, he thinks.

Desperately, he searches, making sure no threats are hiding in the tree line before he enters the ship and leaves his back exposed.

Nothing. No footprints, no signs that anyone has been here foraging. It looks like Praimfaya really did take out everyone. He sighs and makes for the dropship, scarred for what he might find, or worse - what he might not find. He takes a deep breath before stepping through the curtain, bracing himself for the inevitable.

-----

Clarke

She doesn't know how long she's been here. Her streak of good luck seemed to all run out at once when she last decided to make a trip out to the dropship.

She had arrived at the rover to find that it had a flat tire - she had hit something on her last trip back to the boat, and when she gave it a once-over before heading back to the lab, nothing looked to be wrong. Clearly that wasn't the case at all, as the fully deflated right front tire proves.

Feeling defeated, she headed back to the boat and turned it on, only to have it turn right back off. She cranked the key in the ignition again, and nothing. She checked the fuel tank and her stomach turned - empty.

Unsure what other choice she had, Clarke started hiking towards the dropship. She had made it a habit to bring extra rations with her whenever she ventured away from the lab, and figured she had enough for...ten days or so. Ten days before she either had to starve or swim back to the lab. Wonderful.

It took her hours to get to the dropship from the boat, and when she did, she climbed up to the second level, dropped her pack and collapsed onto the floor, tears flowing freely.

150 days.

150 days left and this is what happens. It all feels like a cruel joke.

Eventually, she dragged herself onto the makeshift bed and cried herself to sleep, clutching her ring tightly and feeling like a failure.

She's starving when she wakes up, tearing into a packet of food. If she's going to have to attempt to swim back to the island, she needs to keep her strength up. One of Bellamy's books is on the floor next to her, so she picks it up and starts to read while she picks at her meager rations, desperate for any strength she can draw from him to help her get through this.

She tells herself that she'll start the trek back when she's down to three packets of food - seven days, that's how long she gives herself to wallow in her own misery before she's forced to keep going.

On the sixth day, she awakens to what sounds like rumbling outside. It's probably a storm, she decides, laying back down and letting out a deep breath. Time to hunker down here until it passes, like always.

The next thing she hears startles her even more - she thinks it's a voice. Is she going so crazy that she's imagining people now? She's been the only one roaming the Earth for nearly 1700 days now. Must finally be losing it.

Until the voice yells her name.

The first time she hears it, she tells herself it can't be real. Was one of her people outside the safety of the bunker? It was too dangerous for them to break the radiation seal before they were sure more Nightblood was available in case they needed it.

Maybe a member of Trikru had seen her hiking through the woods - a real Nightblood who had suffered through these years alone and hopeless like she had. She hopes it's a friend - someone to help get her through the next five months of hell.

She hears it again, closer this time, and forces herself upright, lacing her boots and making for the hatch to the first level.

That's when she hears her name a third time. It rings in her ears over and over, a deep baritone that reminds her of one she used to know.

She freezes. It couldn't possibly be...

Her heart flutters and she actually allows herself to believe it, just for a split second.

A full body shudder tears through her, she releases a difficult breath.

Shaky hands pull open the hatch, and she begins to climb down, a head of dark curls coming into view, searching around near the entrance for any signs of life.

"...Bellamy?" A sob, barely audible, as she clings halfway up the ladder.

His head turns towards her, eyes clearly not believing what they're seeing.

They've been here before, what feels like a lifetime ago.

"Stop! The air could be toxic!"

"If the air is toxic, we're all dead, anyway."

Her heart surges at the first sound of his voice.

"C...Clarke? Is that really you?" He manages, frozen in absolute shock.

She's down the ladder and sprinting across the ship in seconds, throwing herself into him and wrapping her arms around his shoulders, never planning to let go.

He instantly returns her embrace, lifting her off the ground and twirling her as his lips meet the soft skin of her neck. When he stops moving, her feet back on the ground, they're both crying, faces buried in each other, refusing to remove themselves from their cocoon of arms.

When they finally break apart, they stare into each other's eyes with such intensity and devotion, it threatens to break them both. His hand reaches up to her cheek in an attempt to wipe away her tears, but she takes it in hers as soon as it meets her face, kissing his palm as she whimpers.

"What are you doing here, Bellamy?" She manages, eyes never leaving his. "You're not supposed to be back for five months."

"Raven said there was a chance that Earth was stable enough for us to come back down - the second she told me we had a pod to send one person down to find out, I knew I had to come back. To find you-" Both of his hands find her face, thumbs gently caressing her cheeks, "...to do this."

And suddenly his lips are on hers, soft and sweet at first, until her hand reaches the back of his neck, winding into his dark curls, and then more desperately. He pulls her flush against his chest as she leans up to meet him, deepening the kiss as fresh tears run down her cheeks.

They break for air, panting, all smiles, eyes locked on each other.

"I was so scared when I got to the lab and you weren't there. I saw your drawings of the dropship and I thought...I had to know for sure," he says, "Clarke, how did you get here without the rover?"

She tips her chin down, shaking her head slightly, knowing what he's going to say once she tells him.

"Did a little off-roading with the rover last trip out here. Guess that tire didn't appreciate it. When I tried to go back to the island, the boat was out of gas. So I hiked here."

His smirk is instantaneous and infuriating in the best way "Off-roading, huh? And to think we let you drive the hydrazine to Raven..." he pokes, and she scrunches her nose at him.

"Yeah, I guess I can't be good at everything," she replies, sarcastic.

He chuckles before looking back to her, eyes conveying so much, and she can't take it. It's so easy for her to get lost in them, in him, and she's caught off guard when he's pulling away and kneeling before her.

"Clarke Griffin," he says, fidgeting with something on his right wrist while she looks down at him confused, "these past four and a half years have been the toughest test I've ever faced. And the only reason I got through it is because of this." he holds up her mother's ring and her small sob dies in her throat.

"You gave this to me before the world ended and told me to hold onto it for you, promised me that once this was all over we'd do it right - live for ourselves. Make our dreams come true. I don't ever want to see another day where you aren't by my side. Knowing you were down here fighting to make it through this is what got me through, and I owe you everything for that."

He's crying now too, reaching out to take one of her hands in his, giving a reassuring squeeze.

"I love you so much, Clarke. I want to spend every moment of the rest of my life with you," he smiles, absolutely beaming, "if you think you'll be able to stand me for that long, of course."

She laughs softly, squeezing his hand back before removing it to unfasten the chain from her neck.

"I love you, Bellamy Blake, and I'm never leaving your side again. You're stuck with me, like it or not. Whatever happens, we face it together," she declares, so sure of her words.

"Together." He echoes, reaching for her left hand to place the ring on her finger. He rises to his feet and she places her father's ring on his finger, wasting no time pulling him back down for a scorching kiss.

They need to get back to the pod to let Raven know that Earth is indeed survivable again. They'll have Nightblood at the ready for their people as they emerge from the bunker that's kept them safe for nearly half a decade. The fate of everything rests on their shoulders, as usual.

But right now, they can't be bothered to care about anything other than the feeling of each other's lips, their hands, the sound of their voices. For the first time since they've been on the ground, they think the rest of the world can wait.

No matter what the future holds, as long as they have each other, they know they'll be able to overcome it.

Together.

#bellarke #bellarke fanfiction #bellarke fic #the 100 #first fic i've ever written #hope it's not too awful a read #my fic

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